Between that mike at Connaught Place and the mikes at the large auditoriums or boardrooms across the world today—life has been kind to me. I had to change a lot about myself to get where I am today, including my long, flowing hair! My denim-and-leather–jacket look was too casual and got replaced with ‘how formal people wanted to see me’. I had to adopt a suited up image so that I could project a ‘successful professional’ image to the world. Being a motivational speaker has been a transformational, sometimes exasperating and completely inspiring experience. Here are some of the lessons that my chosen profession has taught me.

People don’t like to change

The last ten years of being a motivational speaker have not been easy. I have realised that people are not inspired to change simply because you offer them a better alternative. They change only when something that they truly value gets threatened. I’d say that’s the most profound observation about people I’ve made in my entire career as a coach. People may listen to motivational speakers or read inspiring books, but they only change when change is the only option left. I realised that my role as a success coach is to help them figure out the right direction of their life and to give them incentive to stay on their true paths.

This is my yardstick for measuring an effective motivational speaker: If in an audience of a 100 people, two or three people report a lasting change after a few months, you are an awesome motivational speaker.

Sadly, the success rate in my industry is that low! I can only help someone change an aspect of their life if they really desire the change.

Silence is good

Let me make a big confession. I am Punjabi and a speaker which means I am supposed to be an extrovert. But that’s just not true! If anything, in this last decade, I have learned that to be a good speaker—the kind that not only talks well but also gives out rich content—you need to be an introvert. 95% of the content in my events is obtained from observation. And that requires some serious off-the-stage-keeping-quiet skills. The depth of understanding about people and their ways comes from solitude. Behind that entire glamour is quietude and solitude. And to be honest, it feels good to be quiet after you have spoken for 4 hours straight!

Coaching is funny business

Humour and sarcasm has always been my style. And here I think I got lucky. My friends and classmates always regarded me as a funny person. I confess that this quality gives me an advantage in the world of motivational speaking. Anyone can do a session with a bunch of linguistically perfect sentences and parroted clichéd lines from self-help books. However, the impact of such a session is lost the moment the audience leaves the auditorium. The key to having an impressive lecture is to marry content with your own unique style of presentation. And every speaker needs that style, that unique selling point. In coaching as in elsewhere, being funny is serious business.

Get used to criticism

The other thing that being a speaker has taught me is—you cannot make everyone happy! For every five “Thank you” messages that I receive, there is one person who writes to me saying that I am cheap and indecent [not everyone can take humour]. I have learned to look beyond those 500 criticisers towards the 6, 50,000+ believers who have benefited out of my words in some small way. That’s the only gratification I am looking for.

Patience is a virtue

From the outside, the world of motivational speaking may look glamorous. However, the reality, as my fellow speakers would know, is different. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes. It takes a lot of hard work and perseverance to build credibility. You reap your rewards gradually, not immediately. I took more than 10 years to become slightly known! Recognition comes after years of working on your website, your elite client list, your videos, your images, and your media presence. If the total units of effort in a motivational speaker’s life are 100 then the first 50 units are onerous and uphill, whereas the remaining 50 are zippy and fun. In the last half of this profession’s lifespan people make heroes out of you and celebrate you and this validates the first half of donkey work.

Cons of success

In my experience, these are the two main occupational hazards of being a motivational speaker:

• You will be literally living out of your suitcase, and after some 15–20 days of travel your family might allow you entry into your own home after showing some proof of identification.
• You will get so much attention from the opposite gender that, if you fail to practise what you preach or do not handle a situation with grace, you will ruin your reputation and career.

It’s all worth it

Sometimes I forget which city I am waking up in because there is so much stress of travel and daily events during peak work times. However, I don’t have any regrets. In the end, the overall positives of being a motivational speaker outweigh the relatively few negatives. And nothing compares to the joy of realising that I have changed someone’s life with my humour and words. When someone comes up to me and says, “You have changed my life today,” it’s the best feeling ever. Every bone in my body then wants to do more and more of what I have been doing all these years.

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Susie and Charlie have brains that are wired differently. The introvert prefers his internal theatre, and judicious doses of external stimulus, carefully chosen. Hence, he has fewer friends, prefers smaller crowds, and tends to gravitate to the periphery of a party.

The extrovert finds little stimulation internally, and craves much external variety and excitement. They are hence gregarious, prefer larger crowds, and tend to be in the centre of the action.

Both states are personal preferences, and have to do with levels of brain stimulation.

• The cortex of an introvert is naturally highly stimulated. So, excessive external stimulation may lead to overload.
• The extrovert, on the other hand, is naturally less cortically stimulated, and so seeks external stimulation to add to what is missing.

There is a certain balance in the behaviour and desires of both extroverts and introverts. They are both seeking the same thing—an acceptable, balanced level of cortical stimulation. Nothing is broken, nothing to fix. How Zen!

The problem comes when we judge a person’s preference to be ‘wrong’ or in need of fixing just because they act differently from us. That’s one of the reasons why people sometimes end up dating their opposites and end up clashing.

Charlie, the introvert, is sitting around one day, deeply immersed in a project. He has a thought, “Hmm. My friend Susie, the extrovert, says I spend too much time by myself, and there are moments when I wish I was more social.” If Charlie was wise, he’d find a therapist and have a look at how to open himself to more experiences. But Charlie isn’t wise. So, he calls up Susie and asks her out on a date. She agrees, because:

1. She thinks it might be good to slow down a bit, while…
2. She fixes Charlie.

The model both are using: something’s wrong with the other person and must be fixed. As a result, both will collide repeatedly, over their different preferences. Don’t get me wrong, Susie and Charlie can be friends. But it’s tricky. The only way it can work is if they monitor their cortical stimulation [which will be somewhere between not enough and overload] and find their own point of comfort. When the introvert is getting too much or the extrovert too little, it’s time to call it a night.

Introversion is misunderstood [except by other introverts]

• Introversion is often mistaken for shyness. But it’s not the same. Shyness is a label for the anxiety felt when thinking about interacting with others. Introverts are not anxious. They simply prefer their own company. Many introverts are excellent public speakers, and willingly engage with the public as teachers or artists. Give them something that interests them, and they’ll gladly explain it, elegantly.
• Introversion is not standoffishness. People who tend towards introversion are not bored with others, nor do they think they are ‘better’ than others. Biologically, the introvert’s cortex is easily stimulated. To avoid overload, introverts limit their connection to the external environment to remain in balance.
• Introverts are interested primarily in their inner experience. While many introverts choose the helping professions such as that of a counsellor, it’s not because they love listening to others go on and on. I’m rather high on the introversion scale. I tell my clients that I do what I do in order to learn about myself. I’m interested in what I’ll come up with in response to my client’s issues. Here’s the thing: the introvert is not reacting to a dread—introverts do not feel a sense of social discomfort. The introvert is acting according to personal [and cortical] preference.

Introversion is not a flaw [neither is extroversion]. It’s a preference. All you need to remember is that introverts are already well stimulated—so you relate the best with them by providing a minimum of drama. And the extrovert? They need more, more, more! Take ‘em dancing! When it comes to preferences, there’s no right, no wrong. Just different. And as the French say… vive la difference [long live the difference]

This was first published in the May 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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