“How are we raising our children? Are we raising them for now instead of yet? Are we raising kids who are obsessed with getting As? Are we raising kids who don’t know how to dream big dreams? Their biggest goal is getting the next A, or the next test score? And are they carrying this need for constant validation with them into their future lives?” — These hard hitting questions are posed by Dweck to make us think about how we may be unknowingly hurting our children’s prospects.

“Just the words ‘yet’ or ‘not yet,’ we’re finding, give kids greater confidence, give them a path into the future that creates greater persistence. And we can actually change students’ mindsets,” she says.

About the speaker

Carol Dweck is a pioneering researcher in the field of motivation, why people succeed (or don’t) and how to foster success.

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Spirituality means changing your perception

The first step of any spiritual path is the acknowledgement that we don’t need to change our circumstances as much as we need to transform ourselves. We realise that working on the inside is a better investment than working on the outside. This is a radical shift in perception.

Most people look for the cause of problems in the external world. They believe that if things, events and people were different, they would be fine. When we awake spiritually, we know better. Spirituality teaches us to take a step back; we develop the reflex to look inside first.

Practising spirituality is completely different from any other type of practice. It is not about acting enlightened, or about doing something “saintly”. The aim of any spiritual practice is to transform human beings, to bring them to a new way of being. An enlightened life can flow from that, but it isn’t forced. It emerges naturally from the wisdom within. Spirituality is not about doing, it’s about being.

Spirituality involves non-reaction

Take a minute and look inside yourself; you’ll notice a lot of reactions taking place. As soon as some thought or sensation arises, a reaction takes place. You might feel desire, aversion or even neutrality. Everything is judged, and this pushes us to act. Spirituality teaches us to introduce a dimension of space in this reactive process. We do this by being aware, by looking at what’s going on inside. If we’re aware of the reactions, we’re not caught in them. This is the key to inner freedom.

Spirituality is completely inclusive. It doesn’t see things as “good” or “bad”. It goes beyond that, and sees the true nature of phenomena. Practising spirituality allows us to think and act from a clear point of view. Instead of being predictable and reactive, we act in accordance with our deeper wisdom. We stop being determined by circumstances.

Practical effects of spirituality in different spheres of life

Family

In family life, spirituality helps us to let go of our expectations and see our family as it is, not as we would like it to be. By introducing openness into our family, we help everyone, including ourselves, to grow as unique and authentic human beings. By giving our full acceptance and compassion to our family members, we provide them with a baseline of self-confidence and trust that most people are sadly deprived of.

Business and work

In our business and work, spirituality tells us to trust our inner intuition, and this opens our mind to new and exciting opportunities. We stop looking for excuses when we fail. We quickly learn and accept the lessons bad results have to teach us. We develop a genuine relationship with our partners and associates. Our whole work environment is enriched by our presence, which translates into better performance.

Money

In personal finance, spirituality teaches us to operate from an abundance mentality, not a scarcity one. Instead of being anxious about our financial situation, we feel grateful for what we already have. We enjoy a healthy relationship with money and, instead of seeing it as risky, we see the immense opportunities it provides us. If money is lacking, instead of being paralysed by fear, we take lucid actions from a place of clarity. This positive mindset empowers us, and helps us enjoy a wealthier and freer life.

Education

In education, spirituality teaches us to be autonomous and to work on ourselves. Knowing ourselves well, we’re aware of our weaknesses and strengths, and can use this knowledge to our advantage. We don’t hesitate to benefit from every learning opportunity, and develop strong confidence in our ability to succeed. We know we can grow. Our minds are less concerned with trivial stuff; we let go of anxiety and let our profound creativity shine through.

Relationships

In relationships, spirituality helps us to open, to go beyond our insecurities and to consider others as valuable and unique human beings. By leaving our expectations behind, true, open and authentic relationships can develop. We operate from the heart rather than from the mind. The heart doesn’t try to control anything; it understands and accepts beings as they are. It doesn’t see the weaknesses and strengths of others as a problem. It sees them as fundamental richness.

Spirituality offers us the most empowering mindset there can be: change is possible and accessible to everyone. When we practise spirituality, we take responsibility for our actions and work towards a better version of ourselves. Circumstances can’t be used as an excuse; our destiny is determined by who we are and what we do. We are here to grow, and everything can be used as an opportunity for growth.

Spirituality is your most precious friend. It aligns perfectly with daily life and empowers you from the inside. When you practise spirituality, problems are often solved before they even start; where others see blocks, you see opportunities. You see right through situations.

This article first appeared in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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So many parents push and goad their children to study hard and score as high as possible in their exams. This behaviour stems from the all-pervasive belief that academic performance guarantees a successful career—a belief that leads many parents to want their children to be the next ‘Albert Einstein’. What they probably don’t know is that Einstein himself was a rebel and didn’t follow any of his parents’ plans for him.

Einstein had a deep distaste for enforced learning, and was known to skip many of his college lectures. He often felt that formal education interfered with his natural desire to learn and explore. Indeed, the genius was severely critical of the exam-based education system and once even remarked, “It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry, for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom; without this it goes to wrack and ruin without fail. It is a grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed

Einstein wasn’t alone in his views about learning. The great physicist Galileo said, “You cannot teach anybody anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves.” And Bertrand Russell, the Nobel Prize winning British philosopher, said, “Children who are forced to eat acquire a loathing for food and children who are forced to learn acquire a loathing for knowledge”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed. By doing so, they may succeed in making their child score high, but at the cost of true learning. It’s worthwhile to remember that Einstein’s monolithic contributions to science were not the result of his gruelling academic pursuit but his intrinsic love for science. The key word here is ‘love’.

As parents, your best efforts are in helping your children discover what they love doing—with patience and encouragement. If you take a leaf from nature, you’ll provide your children with what they need—and then sit back to watch them grow into the best version of themselves.

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Every experience helps a child to grow emotionally. As a Child Health Nurse, my knowledge of child development told me that early experiences in life lay the foundation for further learning. Different experiences are critical at different ages for optimal brain development.

Every experience matters

How do you know which experience will be life altering for your child? Ultimately all children benefit from getting out into the big wide world and experiencing places, people and life challenges beyond their own backyard. The benefits of their experiences may not be seen immediately if you are travelling with young children, but remember, all experiences build to form children’s brains and the people they grow to become. Maybe a trip to the Great Wall of China might trigger a desire to study Mandarin and Chinese History or a trip to the Great Barrier Reef might spark a lifelong career in marine biology and environmental tourism.

My favourite quote is written on the wall of a backpacker’s hostel in Barcelona, Spain: “Travel is the best university.” Travel should have an element of challenge that can be embraced and teach children flexibility and patience. Travelling with children overseas to a five star resort where they spend their time in kids’ club, eating hot dogs and fries at every meal is unlikely to add value to a child’s development compared to a trip to a distant city where you can explore the sights, sounds, tastes on foot and by using public transport.

No such thing as ideal age

Travelling with children is not an easy feat. It doesn’t matter whether you are planning a short local beach holiday or an epic multi-country adventure. Kids are kids wherever you take them. If they are fussy eaters at home then they will be fussy eaters on the other side of the world. That doesn’t mean you should sit at home waiting for their manners to kick in. I asked Patrick, my nine-year old son, when the best time to travel with children is. His reply, “When they can follow instructions and not have hissy fits.” My response, “That means we can’t take your teenage brother anywhere for a while!”

From my experience I believe that there is no best age to travel with children. All ages and stages of children’s development have pros and cons when it comes to travelling. Plan your travel so that you build on your child’s current level of skills and abilities. Babies are portable and generally easy travel companions; toddlers are tricky and certainly dictate heavily on how and where you travel for their own safety; preschoolers are more aware of the world and have some self-help skills and budding independence; primary school kids can carry their own backpack and be quite adaptable; teenagers go back to being tricky. A fine balance between their needs and wants must be considered to keep family travel harmonious.

Why my kids thought travel is good for them

I asked my two sons, experienced world travellers that they are, why they thought travel was good for kids. They put a great deal of thought into their answers and were amazingly similar in their views. I truly couldn’t have put it any better myself. Harris, aged 13, believes that travel helps you realise you are just one of seven billion people in the world. He quoted a Cambodian saying, “Same same but different”; meaning everyone in the world is different but ultimately we are all the same. He said you realise that “…there is more in the world than just the little town that you live in; that money isn’t everything. Your head becomes filled with stories.”

Patrick, wiser than his nine years, said, “Travelling teaches you not to judge a book by its cover; people might sound different, speak a different language, dress and look different but we are all people.” He also said kids get better grades in school if they travel!

Involve them

Whether you explore you own “backyard” or go further afield, travelling with kids should be enjoyable and ultimately educational. Let your kids be as much a part of the planning as their age permits. Kids go at a slower pace than adults, so remember this when scheduling your days. Allow time for kids to take in their new environment. A wonder of travelling with children is that you get to view the world through two sets of eyes, adult eyes and the eyes of your children. Your child will not remember everything they see and do over the years but have confidence that their experiences will make them well rounded, caring, empathetic citizens of the world.

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The first time I heard that question was when my son was 16 months old. We had just relocated to India and were trying to find our feet. With my decision to change careers and the chaos that goes hand-in-hand with inter-country transfers, finding a playschool for our toddler was the last thing on our minds.

But the question kept presenting itself. At one point, we began suspecting the intentions of the inquirers. Were these kind people genuinely concerned about our toddler’s wellbeing? May be they were receiving a ‘commission’ for every toddler they referred to a playschool.

Before the search came the research

Spurred by these repeated questions, we started some research about institutes that would accept our son. At that point, I didn’t even know that a playschool and a pre-school are not the same thing. So we began with figuring out the differences between the two. A playschool is sort of an informal nursery group for kids between the ages of 2 – 4, while a preschool is more of an elementary learning institution for kids between the ages of 3 – 5. Playschools are meant for kids who are too young to be put in kindergarten, and while it does sound like a glorified day-care centre, there’s more to it than meets the eye.

Why all the fuss about a playschool or play group

To those of you who subscribe to the old-school [like I used to] and believe that kids don’t need to go to school until they’re over three years of age, this can be a difficult concept to grab. If either one of the parents [or extended family] stay at home with the child, then our thrifty mind convinces us that playschools are a waste of money. Besides  there better be a good reason for us to put the “apple of our eyes” into a formal educational institution at such a tender age.

Meant for kids who are too young to be put in kindergarten, playschools are more than just glorified day-care centres

But as we learned, there are definite advantages of enrolling your kids into a playschool. Here are the ones that we discovered:

• It helps to set them into a pattern—from waking up at a fixed hour to regular meal timings and having periodic naps.
• It is an amazing opportunity for kids to meet and interact with their peers and build their foundations of not just formal education, but also of social etiquette. This is especially so if you don’t have many small children in your neighbourhood who can be playmates to your child.
• It helps them in transition easily to a pre-school, kindergarten or Montessori when the time is right.
•  And most of all, it gives you [both parents, especially if you are a stay-at-home one] some time to get your personal things together [or ‘me-time’, as it is popularly known].

It is always a difficult decision to send your little one away, even if only for a few hours. We too were apprehensive about everything; but the balance of the scales tipped in favour of playschools.

However, there are a few important considerations that require your attention before you finalise the playschool for your child:

Commute and location

The location of the playschool is of paramount importance. You’ll need to take into account the distance that your ward [and you, if you are going to be the one who will pick up and drop your child] will be travelling. In most metropolitan cities, where rush hour traffic can be trying, this could be a make-or-break point. It might also be worthwhile to check if the playschool offers a pick up and drop facility; and the safety aspects of the same.

Expense

Education is no longer an inexpensive activity. Right from playschool till graduation, the costs of formal education have skyrocketed. Figuring out how much you can afford to put away for your child’s education is a crucial step. So get the number crunching in order. Don’t forget to ask the playschool about what is included in their fee structure. Often, things like field trips and festival costs take us by surprise, and having this information in advance will help us plan better.

Don’t forget to ask the playschool about what is included in their fee structure

Facilities

On your visit to the playschools check out their play areas, class rooms, pantry and presence of CCTVs. Also check if they have an emergency medical kit and on-call doctors. Remember, there are no silly questions. After all, you’re trusting them with your kid.

Background and accreditation

I’ve seen the faces of fellow parents go blank when we’ve brought this up. But much like you’d do for a regular school, it is vital that you verify the background and accreditation of the playschools you are considering. Seek out parents whose kids have previously attended the playschool and get a first-hand view of their experience. It’s also advisable to check other details such as—how long has the playschool been operational; if it meets the play/pre-school standards set out under the Early Childhood Care and Education [ECCE] policy that was set in place in 2012. From personal experience, I would suggest you should ensure that the person running the playschool is qualified and trained in the field of child development.

The staff

Find out about the teachers and their qualifications. Inquire how long the teachers have been associated with the institution and about their experience of working with kids. It would be good idea to find out how the teachers [and the playschool] discipline the children. While it is imperative that the staff be friendly and approachable, they should also be firm and know how to correct the errors of the little ones. Last but not the least, check the typical teacher-to-student ratio in the classroom, as this will ensure that your kids get enough attention from the teachers.

Hygiene and cleanliness

It is crucial that the playschool be well-maintained and the toilets be hygienic. Even better if the playschool supports or facilitates potty-training and has facilities for the same.

Ensure that the person running the playschool is qualified and trained in the field of child development

Food

Since the kids are only at the playschool for a short duration, you should know about their meal/snack times and ensure that it doesn’t disrupt their eating schedules and patterns. If the playschool will provide food, you should satisfy yourself with the quality of the food and the cleanliness of the kitchens.

Curriculum and system

While playschools primarily operate on the concept of using “play” to educate kids, as parents, it is crucial that we be aware of their teaching style. Most playschools will introduce the alphabet and numbers to our little ones; however a focus on all-round development is important too. Enquire with the playschool about their day-to-day activities and ensure that they balance the physical actives with mental workouts in the form of puzzles, memory games and other creative avenues. It might be a good idea to find out if they offer kids the freedom to choose some activities, from time-to-time. Ideally the curriculum should focus on—gross and fine motor skills, pre-writing/reading/math skills, imagination and free-play, arts, crafts and outdoor activities.

Letting go

As a parent who has been through this phase I can empathise with the fact that this whole “choosing a playschool” adventure can be a roller coaster ride of emotions. However, once you finalise the playschool, it is time to let go of a few of your inhibitions. Yes, you’re going to be concerned; but the teachers know their job and have perhaps been doing it for longer than we have been parents. So unless necessary, avoid interfering and let them do their job—which is to take care of our precious little ones. The initial separation and its accompanied anxiety may be hard, but I can assure you that the kids will settle in a lot quicker than us parents.

On that note, happy hunting and remember: the journey has just begun.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Carving different destinies

The first son was not happy. A single piece of wood was worth nothing. Other fathers gave their sons gold and land. He immediately went to the market and sold the piece of wood for a few rupees to the very first buyer, since he didn’t want to wait around in the hot sun for a better price. He then went and spent the money on some alcohol in an attempt to forget his miserly father. The second son went to the market too. The first buyer’s offer price seemed too low, so he went around looking for a better deal. After three days he sold the piece of wood for three times the sum the first son had received. Soon he started worrying about being robbed, so he went to the local banker and kept all his money safely in the bank.

The third son was grateful to his father for giving him such an opportunity and considered this simple piece of wood a blessing. He spent one week visiting different markets and shops to find out what was the best thing he could do with his piece of wood. After 10 days, he saw a handcrafted wooden elephant selling for an exorbitant price. He went inside the shop and saw a few craftsmen working on pieces of wood and creating carved elephants out of them. He liked what he saw and met the owner, offering to work there for a month for free. In return, he wanted to be trained in the art of carving. For one month he faced a lot of hardships, as he didn’t have any money. But he soon learned the art of converting pieces of wood into exquisite handcrafted elephants. He went back to the piece of wood his father had given him, and worked on it to carve an elephant, which he then sold for 40 times the original cost of the wood in the market.

Equal opportunity, unequal success

After a year, the boys’ father came back and was surprised at what he found. His first son had become an alcoholic, who wouldn’t work. His second son was working hard as a farmer, while his money grew slowly with the local banker. He valued safety and security and was unwilling to take calculated risks, so even though he had not lost money like the first son, his investment hadn’t grown a lot. The father was pleasantly surprised to see that his third son was now the owner of a huge shop that employed several wood carvers. The third son had gone on to buy more pieces of wood with the money he had made and had hired people to work for him. He had become one of the richest people in the village by using the same inheritance of one piece of wood.

Invest in knowledge

I request all parents to share the above story with their children and loved ones. Read it over and over again, and you will realise the wonderful lesson behind it. We all have the same piece of wood, and it is in our hands to make sure that we use it in the best possible way. The third son might have taken some time to get started, and had to face more hardships in the beginning compared to his brothers, but he didn’t quit because he believed in what he was doing.

A simple piece of wood with the right knowledge applied to it has the power to do wonders. Remember, no matter how little or how much wealth you have today, it is not a guarantee for what you will have tomorrow. You could be born with a silver spoon and could end up losing it all, or be born with a wooden spoon and end up manufacturing silver spoons for others. The only thing that remains is knowledge. So let us all invest in knowledge, and use that knowledge in every aspect of our lives. You need to be like a sponge, which absorbs as much knowledge as possible. And while learning, be in a playful mood. Smile. Laugh. Learn. You will absorb knowledge much easily when you are not taking yourself too seriously. It will no longer be a task, but a pleasurable experience.

How I used my piece of wood

My father told the same story to me when I was a little boy. Like all little boys, I loved playing with toys—cars, robots, soldiers and other such things that little children like. Mine was a middle-class family and in those days, India was still a closed economy. All these toys were imported from Dubai or Singapore and cost quite a lot in India.

Since my childhood days, I was encouraged to dream big and not let anything stop me from getting what I desired. My parents would frequently travel abroad for work and business and during these trips, they would usually buy lots of toys for me. I would enjoy playing with these and once I was done with them, I would sell them to other kids around me at a decent profit. Kids would buy these toys, because these weren’t available anywhere else—they were rare and desirable.

I was five years old at that time. Buying toys abroad, playing with them and selling them was fun and set the basis for everything else I did and learnt in life about not just saving money, but even investing it and selling my investments at a profit.

Unfortunately children are not taught about money, business, saving and investing in our education system. In life these are the most important skills. Ensure that you teach your children to think positively about life and that they believe nothing is impossible for them—because truly nothing is impossible for them!

Encourage your child’s entrepreneurial spirit

For teaching children about money, you should thrust them into the world of business. Let them start their own businesses, let them sell products, give them freedom rather than preaching to them. Had my family told me, “Don’t sell used toys to other kids, it is not good”, I would never have learnt about money and business.

Parents make the mistake of forcing kids to do things that everyone else is doing, telling them to become MBAs and engineers, even though their kids might be interested in something else. I remember parents telling their kids to spend time studying, rather than giving them the freedom to read and explore this wonderful world. I am happy and thank my parents for giving me so much freedom and at the same time helping me discover my own path.

And above all, the best way to encourage children is to think like a child. Being childlike is the best quality all of us can have, being like a child helps us learn faster, we let go of preconceived notions, we let go of our ego and we are open to new ideas.

Tips for teaching children about money

1. Never hesitate to discuss money, business and ideas about the way money works at the dinner table. Children are the quickest learners; help them become friends with wealth!
2. Encourage your kids to start small businesses and explore their creative instincts. If your child likes to draw—encourage him to start a business where he sells paintings to people in the neighbourhood.
3. Don’t over-burden them with tuitions and extra classes. As a kid, I never took tuitions; I enjoyed studying on my own. In my free time, I read about the world in general, it helped me understand finance, business and life better. Children who are happy will fare better in the world of business and finance.
4. Teach your children to fear nothing as God is within them. Encourage them to ask questions, no matter how crazy these questions are. People who ask questions turn out to be the best investors and businessmen. I started investing when I was 16—because of asking questions.
5. Encourage them to make more friends, meet more people and play more games. The more people and friends they have, the better it is in the long run. People who are socially connected are more likely to succeed. The best doctors and businessmen are usually the ones who have the best social skills.

And lastly, smile and laugh more, as smiling is the best way to make the most of this wonderful life!

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Everyone who works with our company is constantly refining their abilities to create money, not simply waiting for a paycheck. We are more than a business; we are also a school. The people who work with us are training to be generalists in business and can swap places with anyone throughout our organisation. We are constantly training everyone associated with us to be generalists in business. And although we have a few strict rules and policies, everyone is encouraged to experiment, to make mistakes, correct them and report their findings at our meetings. Our business is always growing. All of us are continuously learning and changing. It is definitely not a boring place to work in, believe me! Here’s something else I’d like to point out: there is no such thing as a crazy idea in our organisation. In fact, if someone isn’t experimenting with some crazy new idea and making mistakes, we encourage them to do so.

Co-dependent behaviour

Co-dependency is a term psychologists use to describe a person who is attracted to people who are addicted to a substance or some kind of destructive behaviour. To keep it simple, let’s say that you are the co-dependent and you are always finding yourself attracted to alcoholics. You may complain a lot about your alcoholic partner’s behaviour. You may criticise them and even beg them to change. But the truth is that you are just as addicted to this kind of partner as your partner is addicted to their drinking. In fact, if you are a true co-dependent, you would probably lose interest in your alcoholic partner the moment he or she got help and stopped drinking. And pretty soon you’d go out looking for another alcoholic to hook up with.

The co-dependents live in this closed circle of hating how they live but going back to the same pattern again and again. They believe that life is a constant struggle for survival, and of course it is, as long as they keep going back to their stuck, self-destructive patterns.

If you are a true co-dependent, you would probably lose interest in your alcoholic partner the moment he or she got help and stopped drinking

For most people, the employer-employee relationship is a co-dependent one. It is based on an addiction to survival thinking. The very thing employees and employers find most attractive is also the source of their downfall. In this case the paycheck is the addiction. Not that we don’t need money. We do. Back when we had an agrarian society we might have been able to trade potatoes for rent. But can you imagine trying to send the utility company five bushels of potatoes to pay your electric bill, or sending the bank three pigs every month to pay your mortgage?

Of course not.

Survival needs money

The point is that in the past 100 years, money has become almost as necessary for survival as air, water and food. In today’s world, money is synonymous with survival, and when survival is at stake, people get desperate. Out of fear they get hooked up with the easiest and fastest and most secure way to get those dollars in their pockets. They stop taking risks and they stop learning and they stop developing their own potential.

Despite the fact that money has taken such an important place in our society, our educational system still fails to address it directly. Like a stubborn co-dependent who won’t look at what he could do to free himself of his addiction to alcoholic people, the educational system refuses to look at what it might do to teach the actual principles of money, the ethics of money, and how money really works.

Despite the fact that money has taken such an important place in our society, our educational system still fails to address it directly

Sometimes it seems to me that our entire society is avoiding the subject. Even when we do talk about it, in school or on television programmes, we discuss it in sterile and lofty theoretical terms not put it in everyday terms that ordinary people can understand. And our educational system, which should be taking responsibility for teaching about money, continues to treat it as corrupting and evil. Don’t get me wrong. Money can corrupt. But the system seems to use that as an excuse to ignore that money is a cultural necessity in today’s world and can do a lot of good. To say that money is corrupting and evil in a world which runs on money makes about as much sense as saying that pigs or potatoes are corrupting in an agrarian society.

Job security is a myth

Our social system continues to promote the ethic that everything will turn out okay if you just study hard and work hard, if you will just do as you are told, don’t make waves, don’t make mistakes and memorise what you are told. God forbid that you would somehow learn to think on your own or take any real initiative. Our system encourages us to specialise, and to then go out and find a good and secure job.

Maybe a hundred years ago all this looked like a pretty good idea. But today there is no such thing as a secure job. In our rapidly changing world, the myth of job security is kept alive only by schools and businesses, both of whom know better, or should. Similarly, the idea of working your way to the top is obsolete. Too many times, we find ourselves climbing career ladders and getting almost to the top, before we discover that we’ve leaned them against the wrong walls and those walls are coming down.

Let me put it as simply as I can. Security is possible but it can’t be found in a particular job any more. The only way we can have security is through our own knowledge. We need to know how money works in our lives. We need to know how to be flexible and make changes when it is necessary. We need to know how to learn new skills and adapt quickly no matter what happens. In short, we need to learn how to be generalists first and specialists second, not the other way around as our present system teaches us.

Maybe a hundred years ago all this looked like a pretty good idea. But today there is no such thing as a secure job

Business schools are at fault too

When I say let’s learn about money, I’m not saying let’s learn to manipulate and exploit each other for the sake of amassing bigger and bigger fortunes. That’s just another form of addictive behaviour that in the long run isn’t going to help make any of us any happier or any more secure. Let me give you an example:

In the mid-70s, business schools began teaching MBA students to be take-over artists and so-called financial wizards. Instead of teaching them to be visionary business people who could create new goods and services to expand our economy, they were taught to exploit the system, which ended up actually shrinking our economy and creating problems for all of us. A lot of these take-over artists ended up in jail and the American people ended up with a multi-billion-dollar debt to payoff the damage that they did. This is co-dependency and addiction carried to its worst extreme!

Business schools are still teaching MBA students to make money with money, thus creating money managers instead of courageous business leaders. Getting bigger salaries and bonuses has thus become more important than the idea I am most interested in promoting here, that we can actually make an important contribution to our world even as we are getting rich. We can get rich and make a contribution only if we get out of our co-dependent relationship with money and really learn how it works!

Business schools are still teaching MBA students to make money with money, thus creating money managers instead of courageous business leaders

Think of the kind of world we could have if instead of teaching people financial co-dependency we began showing them how to create new products and services that the world needs. Why, we would be breathing new life into the entrepreneurial spirit that once made our country great, a spirit which at the moment seems to be dying a slow death.

Trained to be obsolete

Our greatest ally in all this could be our educational system. But, as everyone knows, that system is in deep trouble. Educators know it, parents know it and students know it. The system’s failure to respond to change is causing a revolt. In every major city public education is sliding into a state of anarchy, where nobody is really in charge. Students know they are being trained to be obsolete. They know that information necessary for their own survival is not being taught in schools. Most of them realise that the idea of working for one company all your life is ludicrous. In spite of this we grow up having the idea drummed into our minds that we should decide on a job or career specialisation in our teenage years. But just stop and think about it for a moment. How many of us have ended up training for jobs in companies or industries that weren’t even around by the time we graduated? We’re not talking about a handful of people here, we’re talking about millions.

Is it any wonder students often rebel not only against their schools but against society? They aren’t stupid, they’re bored. They look around them and they can see that what the society is offering through the schools really isn’t all that relevant. So they cut classes, drop out or simply have little interest. Most students make their way through our educational system for one reason, to get a diploma. They view a diploma as a way to open the next door. Sadly, all too many of them eventually discover that the years spent getting the diploma were a waste of time, with little gained. The doors they thought were there never materialise, and when they do they don’t necessarily open up just because you’ve got a diploma in your hand. And it’s not just high schools that are suffering in this way. Statistics show that there are more unemployed college graduates than ever before in history.

How many of us have ended up training for jobs in companies or industries that weren’t even around by the time we graduated

Shattered dreams

I meet all too many people who are sitting around wondering what happened to their lives. Their dreams aren’t even beginning to come true. Their incomes have hit a plateau and they know that at the rate things are going they will soon find themselves in their retirement years, dependent upon government assistance just to make ends meet. They see just a handful of other people gaining financial well being. As for themselves, they continue to work harder and harder while falling farther and farther behind. What happened to the promise of the good life? they ask themselves. After all, they followed all the rules society taught them—being good, doing as they were told, studying hard, working hard. What could have gone wrong? Well, what went wrong is that they learned, all right, but they learned the wrong lessons.

Unfortunately, most hard-working, promising students have been turned into co-dependent wimps by the time they graduate from high school or college. All they know is how to work hard and do as they are told, in spite of the fact that the job is no longer secure or doesn’t pay enough to keep up with the wildly escalating cost of living.

The only way to keep up with change is with knowledge. Our true wealth is found only in what we know. So many people I encounter in my work are still poor and struggling because they haven’t made enough mistakes in their lives. They have continued to hang onto the co-dependent relationships they were taught in school and that you should avoid making mistakes at all costs. And that belief keeps them imprisoned in their own ignorance more than any other single thing we are ever taught.

The only way to keep up with change is with knowledge. Our true wealth is found only in what we know

Instead of growing people who put their energy into avoiding mistakes, they become paycheck-addicts. Then reality strikes, usually around the age of 35. Suddenly they realise they either hate their jobs or are losing them because the skills they’ve developed have become obsolete. With the world crashing down around their ears, they simply don’t know where to turn. They don’t have any alternatives because they don’t even understand their own co-dependence or what it is doing to their lives.

But what about the boss? Unfortunately, this scenario also fits the heads of most companies. A company of co-dependent wimps never develops much real strength. In the end, the business loses profits and employees from the bottom to the top are left wondering why they were laid off or why they didn’t get raises when, after all, they played by all the rules for success that they were ever taught. Employees, as well as business owners, are finding themselves in this position, too, asking why, wanting to break out of their self-destructive co-dependencies and addictions but not knowing how to do it. Indeed, most companies which are suffering in this way can’t even imagine an alternative.

A new business model

Today, we’re beginning to see a new kind of business coming onto the scene. These successful new companies are either employee-owned or the employees pay to work for the company. I know it sounds absurd for employees to pay to work for a company, but it is already happening and seems to be a trend of the future.

The most successful new real estate companies are either employee-owned or the employees pay a fee every month to belong to the company. The old method of a real estate sales agent splitting a commission with the owner of the company, for example, is being phased out.

Today [in the United States], a real estate agent pays a fee to a company that advertises her or his services throughout the country, or at least through the area the person is working in. The individual salesperson is in business for him- or herself, however, getting the use of the company logo and benefitting from the widespread advertising. But the salespeople are responsible for renting an office, getting their own listings, working with their own customers, and processing their own papers. They pay their own phone bills, their own license fees, and even pay for their own for-sale signs.

Do you see the point I’m getting at here, that they are not just pay-check junkies, they’re not sitting on a stationary bike cranking away at the pedals? They are out there on the road, not just pedalling but steering, balancing and watching for traffic. They have responsibilities in every phase of the process that allows them to make a living.

With these new business structures the less successful salespeople are being phased out. It is a business of perform or perish. No more will the realtor-in-charge provide a desk and services in hopes that the salesperson can sell. The result is that employees are carrying the company rather than the other way around. And it’s working!

This trend of employees paying to work for a company is an idea that every business needs to look at. People want to make their own decisions instead of being dependent on a boss who controls the amount of security they have or the amount of money they make. Our company does it. Not only do my profits grow along with my employees’ earnings, but the people themselves bloom.

This trend of employees paying to work for a company is an idea that every business needs to look at

Our educational system, however, is still teaching people to ask, “Where is my paycheck?” Today, all of us are paying for an educational system geared to training people to be mindless robots who end up working themselves into a corner of economic co-dependence and obsolescence, with no personal wealth of any kind, neither viable skills and knowledge, nor money. They remain addicted to the steady paycheck because they don’t know how money is generated.

How we all pay for our inadequate educational system

1. Business and government leaders who cannot think. Our business schools create MBAs who are creative in accounting so that a business can look good on paper even when profits and growth are diminishing. They offer training in the art of finance and acquisition, which when put into actual practice causes stock prices to jump and then crash. An MBA degree is often a ticket to the top, allowing people to avoid essential work experience. These new leaders lose touch with employees as people, and business becomes an accounting job. The company’s ‘’bottom line” becomes the sole concern and people are treated as little more than troublesome but necessary resources.

2. Exploitation of Resources. Western business only believes in what it can see, touch, smell and taste. It thinks only in terms of tangible objects such as land, oil, gold, trees, crops, machinery, etc. Western society teaches only about the visible. It almost ignores the invisible, those less tangible aspects of our lives such as morale, motivation, self-esteem, trust, the spirit of a group when they are working well together. It has yet to develop a way to teach people how to make use of the invisible world, which is infinitely greater than the visible world.

3. A nation of co-dependent wimps. More and more people blame the government for their problems. And increasing numbers of people spend all their spare time submitting their resumes to other companies, always in search of a better job and benefit package. I overheard a woman in a restaurant gloating to her friend that she had quit her job with a company that was going broke and had gotten a job with the state government for more pay, a better benefits package and less work. On top of that, she was happy because she said it was almost impossible to get fired from the government, so she could just coast along and still have greater job security. And we wonder why our tax burden goes up while less and less gets done! Everyone seems to be looking for a job with more pay and less work.

4. An education that fails those who need it most. Since we punish those who don’t do well in school, they often drop through the cracks and are ignored by the system. When you tell them to get a job that will only keep them at or below the poverty level, the sense of self-worth diminishes. And when a person’s sense of self-worth goes down, the desire and ability to work decreases too. Through this system we literally create hundreds of thousands of welfare-dependent families and people who have no hope for a better life. Under these circumstances, crime increases. As Jesse Jackson commented during the Los Angeles riots in 1992, in an environment of terrible poverty and hopelessness, going to jail is actually an improvement over the life they know. They’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain by committing a crime.

You see, when you start looking at all the factors, you begin to see that every-one would have a lot to gain if we were to teach everybody about money and how it works.

Henry Ford’s real wealth

There’s a little story about Henry Ford that I like to relate when I’m telling people about money and the value of the invisible. As you know, Ford was a multi-millionaire at a time when a million dollars was still a lot of money. Someone once asked him what he would do if he lost everything. Without a pause, he replied, “I’d have it all back in less than five years.” How could he have done that? He could have done it because he knew that his real wealth wasn’t counted in how many dollars he had in the bank, or even in the number of factories or the amount of real estate he owned. His real wealth was in what he had between his ears: the intangible, the invisible, the knowledge he had about what money is really all about. For all their emphasis on knowledge, our schools most neglect this kind of resource.

henry ford’s real wealth was in what he had between his ears

Until our educational system stops punishing people for making mistakes, and until the creation of money is made a part of the school curriculum, people will continue to live lives as co-dependent wimps. They stop growing and stop thinking until the only question they know how to ask is, “Where is my paycheck?”

Adapted from Be Rich & Happy by Robert Kiyosaki; Published in India by Jaico Books; Reproduced with permission. 

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Discovering the need to homeschool

The desire for parents to homeschool their children, comes from a range of reasons.

Some of them being — the pressure to perform and be boxed into a group of the same age, no role model to follow, the non-personal touch of the school system and the wrong use of authority by teachers and school staff, which give children a wrong idea of authority.

Being a decision that will affect almost every aspect of your and your child’s life, during the learning years of your child, it’s one that has to be well thought over. Yet for some parents, this decision may come naturally. Like it did for Priya Desikan, who has a seven year old son, Raghav. “Our son requested flexibility in going to school, and of course with a regular school that did not work. So he said that he wanted to be home and I just went with my heart. I did not read or research much on homeschooling before we decided to pull him out of school, simply because he had already decided [and he was only five then]. I realised that he knew exactly what he wanted in life. So we listened to him instead. It was only after that I read Ivan Illich’s Deschooling Society that we realised that we were part of an inspiring and loving community of homeschoolers in India,” says Priya.

For Mumbai based P. Aravinda, the sole inspiration to homeschool her daughter was the observant, inquisitive and eager-to-learn attitude of her child.

But often parents may not see or let themselves see that the child’s innate curiosity will lead them to learn. In an earnest effort to prepare the child for school, parents modify even the home environment. However, when Aravinda’s daughter was young, though she had not thought about homeschooling, she was not thinking about schooling either, and thus kept the home environment free from eating and sleeping timetables, expectations of keeping clothes clean, need to recite and memorise shapes and colours.

She continued this way till her daughter was five years old, and in these years she had also been observing the neighbourhood children—most of whom had started schooling at age 3 or 4. They had spent a year before that preparing for the ‘interview’. “It was clearly difficult to imagine giving up what we had going for what the schools had to offer,” remarks Aravinda

Books such as How Children Learn by John Holt, Continuum Concept by John Liedloff, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, to name a few, exposed her to new ideas and also helped her discover that she was not alone in the way she interpreted what she was seeing. That emboldened her and she decided to foray into the inviting yet intimidating territory of homeschooling.

Certainly she isn’t alone going against the tide. Ann and Ashley Manning have a daughter aged 24 and a son aged 28. They were both homeschooled for about twelve years until they got certified for the Higher Secondary School Certificate [HSC] from National Institute of Open School [NIOS]. Ann and Ashley homeschooled because they believed that children are given to parents, for them to steward and bring up into mature adults, the home being their best environment and the best method of learning tutoring one-on-one.

The curriculum affair

Most homeschoolers use a mix of structured studies and unstructured studies. Some follow standard curriculum like NCERT, CBSE, IGCSE or Accelerated Christian Curriculum. Some do only those subjects in which the child has shown more interest. Some focus on the basic reading, writing and arithmetic while others stress on extra curricular activity and leave the child free to make her own curriculum. Some do not adhere to any structure at all. Learning for unschoolers happens very organically , slowly and internally. Often it is not visible or tangible, but if observed in continuity then one can easily observe the blossoming and learning happening uniquely with each child. My 6-year-old son, Ishaan learnt to count and recognise numbers from his surroundings which includes books, Internet, TV, films, drawing, painting, and outings with me. When I am reading a book, he comes to me and asks how many pages is the book and is happy when there are more than 500. He asks me number related questions like, how old is the earth, how many years ago did dinosaurs walk the earth, how old is India as a country, how many floors are there in our building, how many floors does the Empire State Buildings have, etc. Gourika, my 11-year-old daughter, reads fluently as she plays a lot of online games and looks up YouTube videos of films and music. Being a radical unschooler, I never taught my children to learn any of it… but I never stopped answering when they asked.

Deepali and Shankar from Mumbai, use as a guide, the Waldorf Education module for their daughter. “People who are new to homeschooling believe that without structure there can be no learning. We are not trying to recreate school at home. We just want to instill in our child, love for life-long learning, to be creative, to stand up for their rights and for the rights of others and to have a good judgment of right and wrong. It is very important to have a natural rhythm to your life. But not as hard as a cane school structure. Just like the rising/setting of the sun, our days flow easily and our life goes on smoothly,” explains Deepali.

Aravinda has a lovely take on following curriculum, she says, “A good curriculum is one that flows from our minds, through our conversations, back and forth to various experiences and ideas. We are following a curriculum but I don’t know if you would call it ‘fixed.’  I can observe that there is a structure, for example, my child often makes interesting connections and observations at some times/places, like in the bathroom, in the middle of the night, just before sleeping, soon after getting up, while playing with clay or blocks or water or sand, en route, while in train/bus. So as a family we like to allow for the conversations that spring forth at such times.”

Padma and Rajappa from Chennai have a son who is six and a daughter who is four, and they find that the most fulfilling aspect of homeschooling is that the whole family is in love with learning, learning is not limited by time, place or activity, it goes on wherever we are whatever we do. This family follows the principles of TJEd [www.tjed.org] as it suits their family. According to this educational philosophy, children aged 0 – 8 years are in Core Phase and are in their prime to learn the core values necessary for life. “With this in mind, we have been unschooling while applying principles from Montessori, Waldorf, Charlotte and Mason,” explains Padma.

Should a tutor be allowed to help?

Often some of the learning is also outsourced to tutors and mentors. Especially children who take exams spend a few hours each day with tutor mentors. Shailaja Karnam and her son Tarun Maudgalya run IGCSE mentorship centre in Hyderabad for homeschooled children who wish to take the O and A Level exams. They also prepare them for the certification and do all the needful paper work for the children. There are also a few international schools in Bangalore and Pune which allow candidates to take exams privately. For homeschooled children who wish to take Indian examinations the NIOS is the best options and many who have passed exams through this mode have taken admission into colleges in India. However with the implementations of the Right to Education Act, the possibility of NIOS being phased out in a stepped manner is being discussed. But there is still some ambiguity on this front and till the final decision one can continue with NIOS.

Like me most of the parents I know who have been unschooling their children are not worried about exams. They say they will cross the bridge if they need to or their children wish to go that way. But life and learning is about tuning in with new and creative livelihoods that are perhaps yet to be found. Some unschoolers do get into colleges and institutes when they set their minds to it.  Most unschoolers have a trust that their children since not so externally driven, dive deep into whatever they wish to pursue and find a way out.

The world of critiques and challenges

Every pioneer who has tried to do something that has never been done before or is far from the accepted ‘norm’ have in history of this planet faced challenges and it is never a cake walk for anyone who wants to tread on paths not walked before. Most homeschoolers will tell you how the very people who criticise them when they started with homeschooling end up praising and appreciating the decision. Deepali says, “When we initially started off on this path, we were met with lots of criticism. But over time, people have realised that we are serious about homeschooling and our child is a very happy, social, kind, loving girl who is equally at ease with children of her own age as well as adults.”

Anne says, “The biggest challenge we faced was from friends and family accusing us of messing with our children’s futures and lives. When our children’s friends accused them of not going to school, we helped our children handle such situations by giving them common sense answers like: We don’t go to school, but we have school at home. Building bonds with them which would never have happened if they had gone the regular way, spending 6 hours in school, 8 hours asleep, another 4 – 6 hours studying and us left with the dregs of their time, energy and motivation. Seeing them grow into people of character with right priorities and focus, a vision and dream for their lives and already on the way to fulfilling them, make us want to homeschool all over again.”

Challenges of facing the world and answering their questions may at times take a toll on your emotional wellbeing and balance in life. But from my experience I can tell that within a few years of learning with our kids and growing with them, one would often be treated as an inspiration.

For Priya the journey of usnchooling has been more of an exercise in self awareness and self knowledge. She says, “Every day poses a new challenge—of understanding oneself a little more, of being there with my child the way he wants me to, of getting out of my child’s way so that he can blossom the way he wants to, of unlearning what one has been conditioned to learn and conform to ever since one was born. To me, that is what this journey of ‘living and learning’ with my child is about. The greatest fear and challenge that I face every day is to let go of what my mind and heart are so used to clinging on to. The way I deal with both my fears and challenges is to try and look at what is happening without any coloured lens and look deep within myself. Very often, I have found that when I free myself of those old patterns and habits, I free my son.”

Aravinda’s challenges are closer home as she feels, “My main challenge is that we don’t have enough other kids around to do things with but I am often amazed to see the way that thoughts flow according to their own course and inner curriculum.”

Parenting challenges

When in school teachers teach right from wrong. And wrong behaviour is always punished where as the same situation maybe dealt differently at home, for parents are always known to favour their child. This raises the problems of fostering the right behaviour in children, and strong conviction amongst parents is needed for its important in their core years to learn right from wrong.

The support system

With the world being critical of people who dared to tread away in a path that has never before been walked over, there are people and groups who can act as support systems. Sangeeta Chhabra who lives a completely ‘organic’ life at her eco-farm and has been homeschooling her daughter says, “Today there are many groups of homeschoolers and one can readily avail their support for numerous challenges. Unlike few years back, when we decided to homeschool our daughter Annica, me and my husband were the only black sheep doing it.”

Financial implications

Often, one may come across financial problems while educating their child, but with homeschooling the problem is almost no present since it’s a give and take relationship. Parents give the knowledge they possess. “A parent has to be 100 per cent sure, to homeschool their child; it cannot be 99.9 per cent. Since the compulsion for putting aside a certain amount for school is gone, nothing more than what you have in hand is needed,” says Sangeeta.

For areas where a child shows particular interest and the parent has not much expertise may only call for little to no monetary investment, for we can find a lot of passionate people around to teach no cost.

No matter what method parents adopt to homeschool their child, the underlying motive and intention is always to increase intimacy and bonding among family members and making learning in partnership with children the pivot. It is about increased self awareness and trusting in one’s inner voice.

“Seeing my children plan to homeschool their own kids when the time comes, because of the benefit they see it has for themselves,” says Ann, “is so fulfilling and rewarding that I would homeschool my children all over again if I was given a chance to.”

Homeschooling is challenging, but certainly these challenges are not looked as problems. And if one expects that this path will be without any challenges or obstacles; that will be quiet unrealistic.

This was first published in the December 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Asking questions and finding answers

William Allin said, “Education is not about answering questions, it is about questioning answers.” We need to encourage our children to think critically and question what they observe around them, rather than become passive recipients of what life offers. Every child’s brain is held hostage by innumerable questions; however, parents should not extinguish this desire for learning and discovering.

As children grow, we must teach them how to find their own answers and path. In fact, many schools and systems now have adopted an inquiry based approach to learning in order to augment these skills in children.

Educating future work-force

One of my friends once grumbled that the worst part of not having domestic help was having to organise her kids’ toys after they scattered them around at the end of the day.

In another instance, at a party I once attended, a little girl didn’t budge from her seat and waited for her maid to dispose her paper plate. On probing why she didn’t toss the plate herself she exclaimed, “How would I know where to find the garbage bin?” I wondered what’s behind this dependence from a five-year-old?

We either complete all our kids’ chores or hire help for them to such an extent that they never learn to be independent in running their own errands. As they grow, we sometimes fail to educate them to be independent in their thoughts too. Get a hold on your desire to do every thing for your child, because he will have to be on his own someday.

Home economics

Understanding that parents work hard to earn a living doesn’t require a mature mind, it requires communication. It’s important to make your child aware about the importance and management of money.

Money is important and the management of the same even more so. Learning how to make a budget and sticking to it, saving, frugality, paying bills and investing are some of the money related skills that children must know.

For a toddler, saving money in the piggy bank and buying a treat later can introduce the concept of saving. For a school going child, opening and operating a bank account teaches the same. For a teenager, letting him invest his savings reinforces the concept. Similarly, an allowance can be a very effective tool. Introducing any other age appropriate money concept should always be welcomed.

Winning ways to communicate feelings

From toddler-hood, it is important for parents to teach children how to recognise and communicate what they are feeling. This goes a long way in building the personality of the child and relationships with others. Children must be able to tell parents when they are happy, excited, upset, sad, scared, jealous, stressed or tired. For example, your child must be allowed to say, “I am feeling jealous that my friend has this toy and I don’t.” The moment the child recognises, accepts and expresses this feeling, you will be able be handle it as a parent by gently explaining the fact that it is okay to want things that others have, but it is not always possible. This situation would be easier to deal with than having a child throw tantrums over a toy.

Our behaviour is a manifestation of what is going on in our minds. When children can communicate feelings to the significant people in their lives, it helps them to become better at all the relationships that they will built in the course of their lives.

Integrating information effectively

With Google at our fingertips, we are loaded with information at the drop of a hat. However, having information is one thing and using it is another matter all together. Teach children to sieve the relevant from the irrelevant. Education is becoming more application based and many schools are already implementing this skill. They give students the tools and the information and expect them to synthesise and use the same to show their learning.

Get a hold on your desire to do every little thing for your child, because he will have to be on his own someday

Charity and the larger good

Schools and teachers often focus on core-mandated curricula and forget to enlighten children on the significance of philanthropy. Teaching your child to be charitable towards the less fortunate right from an early age will not only sensitise his mind and make him a better human being but also empower him. For a young child, feeding animals or gifting something to a less fortunate person introduces this concept. Older children can be encouraged to donate stuff to orphanages. Teenagers can volunteer in causes that are dear to them and take charity to an entirely new level. Plus, their act will have an incredible impact on their peers too.

Ways to go about it

Now that you know which skills you need to target, the next question is how can you impart these skills to your children? There are four ways of doing this successfully and generally a combination of these techniques works for any given skill-set.

Set an example yourself: You need to know you’re a pastor of your home and your children are your congregates. And the best and most effective way to teach them anything is to set the right example. If your child observes you donating things or helping needy people on a regular basis, you will never have to teach him that. It will come instinctively.

Talk and discuss: Make ‘discussions’ your ally. Sometimes having an open two way chat [not a lecture] with children helps impart skills. Discuss different subjects with them and get their opinions and share your views too. If the discussion is honest and two-sided it will definitely benefit your child. For example, discussions about the importance of right investments can make a big difference to financial skills of teenagers. Take newspaper reports and examples from all around you to talk about issues such as safety and abuse.

Formal learning: Enhance and expand their skills by being on a constant lookout for new kid-friendly, interactive and age appropriate workshops and courses. Workshops on specific skills such as first-aid, etiquette, personal defence, managing finances, internet safety and so on can be worthwhile for every child. Formal training to learn skills is appropriate for older children.

Be age appropriate: Don’t try to imprint a significant skill by giving children sermons but keep a spark of novelty alive in every lesson, at every age. For example, as a toddler you can teach your child to be safe and distant from fire and sharp objects. For a young child, you can also add road safety measures to this skill. And for a teenager, talk to him about safe driving, substance abuse, protecting oneself from danger and so on. The same technique can be used for all skills.

Based on child’s requirements and age, a parent must take a decision and tailor the concepts as to what level of the skill must be addressed.

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