However, if you have been feeling down for an extended period of time, with a persistent feeling of sadness and a loss of interest in daily living, you might be suffering from depression. Depression need to not be linked to an event and may include suicidal tendencies. A study suggested that if we eliminate depression, suicide rates would go down by as much as 80 per cent. In some cases, the mental health condition may be caused by one or more reasons.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, my first advice is to talk to someone who is kind, compassionate and empathetic and is willing to listen without judging you. Talking to a friend or a well-wisher often puts things in the appropriate perspective. If possible, see a trained counsellor. Seeking treatments for your condition may help alleviate it and prevent it from getting worse.

Next, I would suggest you kickstart your yoga practice right away. Participating in various activities may help you manage your condition better. Don’t underestimate the efficacy of yoga in managing mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Indeed, my own journey is a testimony to its powerful benefits on one’s mental health, for had it not been for yoga [and my friends], I too may have been part of the terrible statistics.

Yoga and mental health

Various researches including the one by Journal of Affective Disorders have concluded that yoga-based interventions are “an attractive option for treatment of depression”. According to Harvard Medical School, a new research on yoga has yielded promising evidence that yoga could complement traditional treatment for depression. It was seen that a regular practice of yoga helped modulate stress response which, in turn, was beneficial for those with depression and anxiety.

My own journey into wellbeing started when I was on medication for depression and anxiety. Interestingly, one of the side-effects of the medication was suicidal feelings. [Yes, your anti-depressant could make you suicidal.]

For me, a few rounds of Surya Namaskar (sun-salutations), headstand and kapalbhati played a big role in dissolving the suicidal thoughts. While Ayurveda believes this has to do with yoga’s ability to balance and energise chakras in a therapeutic manner, we are yet to understand the intricacies from a modern research perspective. This is not due to lack of evidence but rather because we do not have methodologies to study the shift in suicidal tendencies.

4 ways yoga benefits your mental health

1. Regulates good and bad hormones

At the most basic level, any physical activity helps improve muscle tone and circulation and causes a surge in endorphins—the feel-good hormones. Yoga goes a few steps further. A well-designed yoga session not just works at a physical level but also helps increase the energy field by removing mental and emotional blocks and not just muscle knots. Ideally, after finishing a traditional yoga session, you would feel like you received an Abhyangam. Yoga helps reduce the levels of the stress hormone cortisol while increasing happy hormones like GABA, serotonin and dopamine, all critical neurotransmitters related to mood.

If you want to include a workout session into your daily routine to help your mood, it may be an excellent idea to consider enrolling in yoga classes.

2. Encourages slow, deep breathing

Gymnasts perform many postures that look similar to yoga asanas, but they do not get all the benefits of an asana. This is because yoga practice involves slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing which, in turn, helps the body and mind to relax. The yogic style of breathing is known to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system and the vagal tone, both extremely important to help us move away from stress and towards relaxation. Learning proper breathing may help you outside your yoga sessions. For instance, you may try to calm your thoughts whenever you feel low by breathing slowly and practicing mindfulness.

3. Promotes mindfulness

Depression often leads us to replay our past whereas anxiety is related to the thoughts of the future. In yoga, you are encouraged to keep your attention on the breath and not let your mind wander. Some forms of yoga utilise the benefits of mindfulness to help improve a person’s overall well-being and health. An authentic yoga teacher reminds her students to keep bringing their attention back to the now. With regular practice, being centered and mindful comes easily.

4. Builds resilience

Yoga helps us face failure and build resilience by bringing us face to face with our vulnerabilities and strengths. On the mat we learn that we can’t always do a pose that looks easy for another person. We learn also that after months of practice, we are nowhere closer to touching our toes. But the principles of Abhyasa and Vairagya—practice incessantly, practice without expectation of results—keep us grounded and committed. Your improvements may also boost your mood and, therefore, may help alleviate your mental condition. We show up and try again, until we begin to surprise ourselves. When we are in a difficult pose on the mat, the teacher encourages us to observe, to breathe, embrace our limits and to know within that “this too shall pass”—an excellent learning for a difficult phase off the mat. This is how yoga builds our adversity quotient while teaching us to be kind to ourselves.

Final Thoughts

Practicing yoga can provide various benefits to your overall health. For one, it’s an effective workout to keep your body fit and healthy. It can also help improve your flexibility and mobility. In some cases, yoga may also help your mental well-being. Some people who suffer from mental health problems can take advantage of yoga to improve their mental state. So, if you’re looking for an activity to help your health condition, don’t hesitate to try yoga.

— This article was last updated on 7^th December 2021

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Self-doubt makes you opt for misery even when joy is available to you. It fills you with emptiness when fulfillment is your birthright. And it fools you into favouring bondage over freedom. And Dr Davis can say this with authority because he’s been there, done that.

Overcoming self-doubt

In a moment of brutal honesty, this ex-convict made a difficult but pro-life choice of going back to study after leaving prison for the second time. It was during his college that he had a transformational realisation that made him begin to believe in his abilities for the first time. That was the turning point. “In 2006 only seven years after I walked off the yards at Corcoran state prison, I walked across the stage, and I was conferred my doctorate in clinical psychology,” he says in this talk at the Sacramento edition of TEDx.

Like Davis, you too can learn to overcome your self-doubt. Watch this hard-hitting talk presented in a gentle manner by a man who will make you believe in yourself.

About B J Davis

Dr. Davis is the Director of Strategies for Change, a substance abuse and mental health treatment agency. He is also the author of the movie “What is Recovery?”

In addition to his doctorate, Davis has a dual BA in philosophy and religion, and masters’ degrees in psychology and counseling. Aside from working at Strategies, he is a Professor in the Forensic and Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program and consultant to the Sacramento Aids Housing Alliance. It is his history that allows Dr. Davis to speak with authority. A recovering drug addict, Davis spent time in State and Federal prisons, until he found people who believed in him, then a reason to believe in himself. Rather than drugs he depended on praise, and used that to become a director, a doctor, and a mentor. He now uses his unique background in addiction, recovery, and counselling to encourage others to believe in themselves.

The post A former felon tells you how to overcome self-doubt appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I remember meeting my father’s accountant many years ago in the 1980’s. He was  charming and oozed charisma. As a keen student of human behaviour, I would admire his traits and wish that perhaps some day I could be liked and respected as he was.

Now, decades later, I have identified five core elements of people with charisma. These are not traits that you are necessarily born with, but are habits you can develop with practice.

They smile a lot

Charismatic people are not stingy with their smiles. They smile easily and naturally, and even to strangers or in challenging situations. It’s a part of who they are. Think of a person that you know is charismatic and I’m sure their smiling face is what you will remember. Even though it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile, some people seem to prefer the former! The smile of the charismatic person can be seen as a welcoming and comforting beacon of energy.

They have a positive attitude

Setbacks hit us all. Failures, disappointments and down times often lead people to viewing situations with a negative attitude. Charismatic people often have a great attitude, looking at failure as an opportunity to learn, adapt and grow. They know how to take action, viewing failure as a signpost for a new direction. When working in a team or group, charismatic people will often attempt to lift their colleagues up from the floor of disappointment. To charismatic men and women, attitude really is everything.

They know to focus their attention

When you are in conversation with a charismatic person, they are totally engrossed and attentive to what you are saying. You can almost feel that you are the only person in the room when they are speaking to you. It makes you feel special and important, emotions that we all like to feel. They maintain eye contact and are not fidgety or distracted by the environment or their phone. Time can seem to disappear when you talk to a charismatic person, as they can be very charming, interesting and oozing with positive energy. Think of the opposite as being with someone who is blaming, complaining and judging the world constantly, whilst wearing a scowl on their face! This can be energetically draining for you.

Their confidence is high

Charismatic individuals generally don’t pay attention to what people are thinking about them. They exude confidence and have a good level of self-esteem. You can tell this by the way they speak, and also the vocabulary that they use. They don’t like to gossip or put people down. They also take no pleasure in seeing other people feel bad about themselves in general conversations or social situations. Because they are confident, they will not try and have the last word, or even have any need to be ‘correct’ in a discussion. This reveals their high degree of self-awareness. And remember, nobody is born with high confidence. Increasing your confidence is a daily exercise and it’s about choosing to the do the very things you feel nervous or self-conscious about.

They enjoy having fun

Last but not least, charismatic people like to have fun. They don’t mind being the butt of jokes, often having a self-deprecating sense of humour. They like to live in the fully utilised now [F.U.N.], and enjoy every moment and challenge that life can throw at them. Because of this element of fun in their life, they tend to be a magnet for people who are on that similar wavelength of fun. A charismatic person will not publicly complain about any problems in their life, rather always focussing on that fun, and opportunity seeking feeling of abundance. They are sensitive to other peoples feelings of negativity, and try not to introduce any negativity into conversations.

Charismatic people have certain ways of behaving and carrying themselves which makes them insanely likeable. We want to know them, be like them and have friends like them. In many ways, you could describe them as ‘human behaviour at it’s best’.

Pro-tip

Take a journal and ask yourself how you could improve in yourself the five core elements listed above. You could even ask a trusted friend, where you could improve. Self improvement always starts with self awareness.

The post 5 core elements to boost your charisma appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Arrogance vs confidence examples

• Ignoring and denying any areas of weakness, versus accepting and admitting weaknesses
• Pointing out someone’s shortcomings, subtly or overtly, versus championing and supporting others
• Showing off versus possessing humility
• Making everything about competition versus making everything about creating value for others
• Needing to act cool versus being comfortable with who you are
• Being unreasonable versus being flexible and understanding
• Being commanding and dominating versus being assertive yet compassionate
• Often being unapproachable versus always being approachable
• Interrupting others, versus being an effective listener
• Swaggering when walking versus having a commanding presence with open body language
• Cockiness about accomplishments versus being humble around success
• Striving to always be right versus striving to find a solution
• Being constantly opinionated versus constantly being willing to listen to others’ viewpoints
• Obsessive about image versus taking pride in appearance
• Never admitting mistakes versus always being accountable to themselves
• Positioning themselves as superior versus viewing everyone as an equal
• Offering unsolicited advice, versus offering feedback when it’s requested
• Arrogance=Adolf Hitler versus Confidence= Nelson Mandela

T’ien-t’ai, a sixth-century Chinese Buddhist scholar, declared those in a state of anger as “always desiring to be superior to others”, offensively displaying self-importance and superiority. He stated that anger is akin to arrogance and may be described as frustrated arrogance.

The roots of arrogance

Arrogance is a deep fear of vulnerability. Many of us were persecuted as children by being made fun of at school or at home and so we grow up deeply insecure. The stereotypically arrogant person will always put others down, thinking that, if they do, the other person won‘t have the opportunity to put them down. I am a recovered ‘diva’, so take it from me – if you recognise yourself as having arrogant traits, do something about it. Arrogance stems from the ego, and includes a feeling of both self-contempt and contempt for others. Arrogant people feel the need to show you that they can do better than you. That they know more than you. They have an insolent pride and overbearing manner that often upsets a lot of people. That manner stems from deep insecurity, and a lack of confidence. They don’t value themselves and so they need to keep blowing their own trumpet. Arrogance is unmerited confidence. Many arrogant people display a type of shyness, because they feel that if they hide away no one will see their flaws, so they won’t be judged or criticised. However, they will always jump in with unfair and inaccurate criticism of other people.

Arrogance vs Confidence: How to spot the difference

It’s important for me to add that sometimes people who dominate the conversation are only nervous and not necessarily arrogant. Also, people might drop names to impress you because they feel insecure; it isn’t always because they are arrogant. The way to spot the difference is to look at whether they possess empathy or compassion, which only confident people possess. It is always helpful to learn skills to deal with arrogance because we can’t always avoid it. But in a social setting I recommend you stay away, as arrogant people can cause pain, especially if you get involved with them romantically. Be aware: if you question arrogant people they will react badly, don’t take their reaction personally, though, as it’s about their inability to control you.

So many people who lack confidence want to hang out with ‘cool’ arrogant people who are famous, extremely rich or good-looking and who use fake charm [which evaporates if you anger them]. Sadly these people are not achieving anything great in their own lives and are living vicariously through the other person. Arrogant people will get into character assassination behind your back, joke about people they really shouldn’t joke about, and lack empathy if someone is going through a hard time even though they may pretend to care. They themselves have been hurt badly in their past and, instead of resolving or addressing the issue, they hide it behind a mask. If they are rumbled, they deliver those old classic lines: “I was only joking”, or “Stop being so sensitive.”

It amazes me when someone who can’t sing to save their life or has never taken a risk criticises performers on The X Factor. They think it’s clever to be offensive and they generally have little insight because they are so wrapped up in themselves. The truth is that they like to control everyone which is a form of emotional abuse. If you have experienced this controlling behaviour when you were young you won’t spot it easily because it will be familiar, and, in a perverse way, comfortable, because it is what you are used to.

How Stephen moved from arrogance to confidence

“I joined a city law firm as a graduate and believed I knew more than the senior partners ignoring the tips and advice I was offered. I alienated many of my colleagues with my behaviour. I had been told as a child I was better than every one as they thought that was instilling confidence in me. I couldn’t admit to any mistakes which was where the problem lay. Five years on, I now see how being arrogant cost me so much, both personally and professionally. I am now a partner in a law firm; and having spent five years investing in self-development I now cringe when I see others play out my old behaviour.”

Stephen’s top tips

• Stop measuring your own value by externals
• Let go of the need to be right and to always have the last word
• Admit your own shortcomings to yourself
• Let go of the need to be superior

Uncovering the essence of confidence

The Tao Te Ching says:

To understand others is to have knowledge
To understand oneself us to be illuminated
To conquer others needs strength
To conquer oneself is harder still
To be content with what one has is to be rich

Confident people are rich as they have self-belief, open hearts and treat others with respect. Confident people accept themselves so they accept others as they are. Confident employers love having confident people working for them and people love being around confident people socially as they are so comfortable with themselves. Even an enemy or competitor secretly admires a self-confident person. In a relationship, the confident partner is aware of what needs to be discussed and communicates changes in a healthy way.

How to keep a check on yourself

• Develop a checklist to determine any shortcomings you may have. By compiling an inventory you will heighten your awareness and evaluate whether you are acting arrogantly
• Focus on clear intentions so you can contribute daily to your commitment to change
• Make a list of qualities you admire in others
• Focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing others
• Exercise humility and keep checking that you are on the confidence side of the “Confidence vs Arrogance” war

The post How to tell the difference between arrogance and confidence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Being people friendly helped me get the position

I have been working in one of the most technical industries [IT] for over 12 years. I’ve observed and experienced firsthand how being able to deal competently with people gives you an edge. I’ve also spent the last few years deliberately improving my life. One aspect of this process has been overcoming my shyness. And overall, this has improved my self-esteem and self-confidence.

When I had a job interview in July 2015, I was a different person than in 2010 when I got my previous position. With my improved set of interpersonal skills I was able to navigate the recruitment process more effectively. My professional skills had not improved as much in the past five years, but I was able to impress my new employer with my new found self-confidence. I was hired for a team leader position even though I had no relevant experience.

This is the natural order of things. A job interview is a process too condensed for anyone to be able to check your knowledge thoroughly, especially when someone is hired for a technical position. Also, people from HR departments always have a say in the hiring process. For them, it’s important how a candidate behaves; how firm is his handshake, does he smile, was he on time and other such small but relevant details.

These assessments, and other, similar nuances during an interview have very little to do with how the new employee will handle his technical duties. You can learn from my experience: your people skills will multiply your technical skills and experience during the hiring process. This means that even if your technical skills are just ‘average’, you may make a better impression during a job interview than an introverted ‘expert’ who clearly feels uncomfortable in such situations. I can imagine that the importance of people skills only increases when it comes to non-technical positions.

But getting hired is only the opening of a door. Once employed, you show yourself to be a better worker, if your communication skills are better. Your people skills determine in a big way your chances for career advancement and a salary raise. Compared to an introverted genius, you simply know how to show up on the radar of your managers and how to conduct a conversation with them about a salary raise when the right time comes.

Here’s a handful of the most impactful people skills

Conversing

So many people have trouble with this basic human communication tool. Introverts—roughly half the population—like to be left alone. The other half of the population loves the sound of their voice all too much.

The most important conversation subskill is active listening: asking questions and listening to answers, instead of preparing your own lines while paying little attention to what the opposite person in saying. It’s great for introverts, because it’s less taxing for them. It’s beneficial for extroverts who tend to talk too much and think too little about the viewpoints being expressed by others. Conversation skills can be developed. Are you a shrinking violet [like I was a few years back]? Then begin by making eye contact and smiling at others.

Negotiation

This skill is part of not only business life, but social life in general. You can bully your kids a few times into doing household chores, but it is so much better to negotiate some ‘deal’ with them.

I restrict my teenagers’ time in front of the computer; their machines are password protected. They know that they have to keep order in their rooms, help with chores and do their schoolwork. I’ll only type in the password once they have contributed as we’ve agreed.

Persuasion

Many times there is no clear “something for something” situation, but you need the final output nonetheless. Persuasion is also a universal tool, for work, business and family life. People work much better when they are convinced they’ve chosen their path themselves and were not forced into it. A leader needs sometimes to exercise persuasion, but not manipulation. There is a thin line between the two and it takes empathy and emotional intelligence to recognize on which side you stand. A manager isn’t effective without being a leader as well. It takes so much less effort when people follow you willingly, instead of waiting to be coerced into action

Appreciation

Speaking of “working better,” do you know the number one motivating factor for employees? It’s appreciation of their work.

The same goes with parenting. I know all too well, that physical and social evolution has primed me to search for my children’s faults and correct their ways. It was natural in prehistoric times, when humans lived in caves and dangers were all around. If you didn’t protect kids from their mistakes, their errors could prove fatal to them. So pointing out their mistakes comes naturally to us. However, praising and appreciating them may require a conscious effort. This applies are work place too. Look for the good things in people and communicate it to them.

Integrity

Integrity is a private and internal quality, yet simultaneously it is the ultimate people skill that binds all the others. Integrity breeds trust. When people trust you, arguments are fewer, persuasion is easier and when you praise them, they know you mean it. Integrity is saying what you think, and doing what you say. It’s very easy to start cultivating it, even if you have zero inclination to be social. You don’t need to reach out to others, either; integrity starts in your own bubble.

Keep your promises, especially those made to yourself. Let your actions follow your declarations. You don’t need to toot your own horn; people notice integrity when it shows up.

Conclusion

If you want to develop people skills, start studying them. And then dedicate yourself to practice. It’s well worth the effort.

The post Do you have these 5 essential people skills? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Co-dependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that co-dependency is learned in families and is passed from one generation to the next. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are co-dependent, this behaviour gets passed on to their children, unless they consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways. But since co-dependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.

The problem is, like addiction, co-dependency is characterised by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re co-dependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of co-dependency are:

• Being overly focussed on someone or something
• Low self-esteem
• Non-assertive communication
• Denying or devaluing your needs, feelings and wants
• Poor boundaries
• A need for control

Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:

1. Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organisations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Keeping secrets and creating ‘no-talk’ rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, children are told not to mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking. This teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.

2. Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to them shows that you respect them and this in turn teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behaviour you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behaviour you dislike without name-calling or criticising, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour because we’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to hog the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.

3. Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed to express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. Parents, often with good intentions, say, “Don’t feel sad, [or jealous, etc.]” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. However, expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. For instance, Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.

4. Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting your children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting their boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back is definitely off-limits. This also includes tickling a child or hugging them beyond their comfort level.

5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence

Co-dependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence. Unfortunately, independence is confused with rebelliousness and so is discouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments

Co-dependents often grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown that physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

7. Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but that isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.

The post Seven things every parent must do to raise independent children appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• What if the other person gets mad?
• What if they leave me because of it?
• What if I lose my job because I speak up?

Toxic messages all around

The worries are endless and the results are the same, women give away their power—to their fear, their loved ones, the men in their life, their work and their world. They struggle with simply standing in their power and owning it. Most women don’t even know what having power means or what it would look like. Instead, women all over the world have bought into the toxic messages infused into them via television, magazines and their culture.

Women’s magazines teach women to be anything but powerful. Their messages focus instead on how to look alluring, dress sexy, attract a man and to gain happiness by losing weight, saying the “right” thing and other superficial changes—as though doing these things will be the answer to a happy life. Not only is this advice unhelpful, it’s often toxic. Far too many women have bought into these messages to such a degree that they’ve lost themselves, starved themselves, silenced themselves and, as a result, hate themselves.

This pressure sets women up to not see what they see, to not trust that they know what they know and to look to others for answers they actually have within themselves. All of these factors lead women to settle for less than they deserve—harmful relationships, unhealthy work environments, one-way friendships and unsatisfying lives. The messages from women’s magazines, television shows and our world at large sets women up to dummy down, slim down, cow down and ultimately, stay down.

The pitfalls of staying down

Women staying down, however, is not only harmful to women, it’s harmful to our world. Unless women get the courage to step up—in an entirely new way—we are destined for a pretty rocky ride, to say the least. When women keep themselves down, they teach their daughters and the next generation to stay down as well. We cannot afford future generations of women putting everyone else’s needs and wants ahead of their own. When we can’t fight for our own needs, we cannot expect others to fight for them either. Similarly, when we don’t have the courage to stand up to poor treatment, we expect that others too will treat us poorly—why would they treat us better than we treat ourselves?

True power

It’s time women started fully stepping into their power and owning their place in the world—and not in a “bitchy-in-your-face” kind of way, but in a grounded, confident, matter-of-fact way. I propose that women step into the world in an entirely new way—with a Grounded Powerful Strength [GPS] rather than an aggressive strength or meekly. Much like a GPS is a roadmap for travel, a Grounded Powerful Strength is a women’s roadmap for life. Our world equates power with aggression. It’s time we challenged this old “power-over” paradigm and replaced it with a new, more effective, more powerful and more respectful “power-from-within” paradigm.

A GPS is all about that power-from-within. It’s about feeling confident in your own skin, trusting that you know what you know and being courageous enough to stand behind yourself in such a way that you have your own back without leaning on those around you. Few women are able to do this. We’re too worried about how others are going to respond, what they’ll think about us or how we’re going to look if we simply slow down and determine what we want, how we feel and what we would like to do—and to then courageously stand behind that. Our world would benefit beyond measure by women stepping up in this way.

How to access your GPS

• When we have the courage to let go of the toxic messages that push us to be anything but authentic, we create true change that can ripple into world change.
• Get off the treadmill of trying to fit in, be liked or please others. We have enough people acting like everyone else and letting go of what they believe in because they think these are the paths to being loved. Stop spending endless time and energy on becoming who you think others want you to be and instead figure out who you are, what you believe and how you want to be and boldly inhabit that space. True love happens as a result of what you’re made of on the inside, not what you look like on the outside. Strengthen your inside and the rest will fall into place.

• Regarding having your back in times of upset and anger, avoid the extremes. Do not tip-toe, cower or walk on eggshells to calm another’s rage and never use your own rage to silence another’s voice. Cowering hurts you and bullying hurts those around you. Neither is okay. Set a limit to others’ rage and stay calm when you feel your own begins to rise. Find the middle—in life, relationships, work and even in strive. Ducking has harmed women throughout the ages and rage has harmed everyone. Avoid both. Allow the other person to have their reaction and don’t change your resolve as a result of their response. Step in with calm, confidence and strength and be proud of yourself regardless of the outcome.
• Making hard decisions is not easy. Taking the time to think through your options, your motivations and your goal, however, will help in the decision making process. Always take the high road, and make the decision that is in your long-term best interest. The more grounded and respectful you are in even the most difficult of times, the more powerful and strong your message is.

Power-from-within is about knowing what is and what is not okay for you and then walking in the world in a way that supports that knowledge. Rather than bashing the other person with your anger—in reaction to them bashing you with theirs—stay calm, matter-of-fact and grounded in your messages. Then see how GPS changes your relationships and your life.

The post It’s time you owned your feminine power appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Connected to Source, connected to Self

As a full-time yoga and meditation teacher, practice is essential to my life as I teach directly from my own experiences, on and off the mat. Practice is also essential to me remaining connected to Source, and if I don’t get enough time in my day or week for some asanas, something in me is off and doubts begin to arise.

Asana and meditation are the quickest methods to return me to self awareness, knowledge, fullness and confidence. When I don’t practise regularly, I can lose the thread of connection to Source, leading me to question my thoughts, plans, ideas, dreams and even to spiral deep into the place of doubting my skills as a teacher. Doubt is a tricky beast and robs us almost entirely of the natural confidence that comes from being in touch with Self and how that Self wants expression in the world.

Take time to appreciate yourself

Sometimes this doubt sprouts from getting on the comparison train, fuelled by too much time on social media streams that offer us the tiniest slivers of information into the lives of others. Unplugging for one, two or three days is one way to recognise the strength of your own life, regain footing into your personal mission, and reactivate your ability to stand tall in who you are. Other methods work too: meditation, journaling, returning to an art form like painting, walking in nature, dancing wild and free and a good old fashioned conversation with a trusted friend.

Asana and meditation are the quickest methods to return me to self awareness, knowledge, fullness and confidence

In the yoga, health and wellness circles, we’re all told to “love yourself first”, but if finding the self love is challenging, embrace this vulnerable moment and ask a friend, colleague, or student to remind you what is excellent about you and the way you walk through the world uniquely as an expression of beauty and grace. Then, write down what they say in your journal to re-read, or create art out of the words for your altar. We are mirror reflections of each other, so being in good company can be the best medicine to dissolve the temporary veil on your heart.

Yoga to improve self-confidence

Yoga asana, meditation and surrounding myself with amazing people always bring me back to feeling grounded in who I am and what I am doing, where self doubt cannot sprout further fear. Here is a trusted sequence to regain presence in your Self and feel confident being there.

What you’ll need: yoga mat, two blocks, two blankets.

1. Tadasana

Tadasana is a pose of honesty, vulnerability, and strength as you stand firm, with eyes open to see and be seen, fully.

• Stand with your feet parallel and hip-width apart. Allow your arms to rest by your sides.
• Firm your legs without tension, and begin to breathe ujjayi breath. Allow each inhale to lift and expand the ribcage, and fill fully with the remembrance of your unique gifts and talents.
• Let each exhale be a full acceptance of yourself, softening your body.
• Remain for 5 – 8 breaths.

2. Urdhva Hastasana to Crescents

• Keep your legs strong and, on an inhale, stretch your arms up.
• Root from your pelvis through your legs to the floor and commit to staying strong in yourself, for yourself.
• With the right hand, hold the left wrist and take a side bend to the right, making a crescent shape.
• Keep the pelvis over the heels and root stronger from the pelvis through the legs to the floor, allowing a greater expansion of the left side body.
• Do the same on the other side.
• Repeat 2 – 3 times.

3. Prasarita Padotanasana

• Bring your hands to your hips and take a wide stance, feet about one leg-length apart.
• Turn the feet parallel and firm your legs without tension.
• Ground from the pelvis to the legs as you inhale to fill again with the remembrance of your highest Self. Here, take 2 – 3 breaths.
• Keep the legs firm and on an exhale, extend your spine long and bow forward, touching the floor or blocks.
• Align the pelvis over the heels, and spread your toes to activate the muscles in your legs drawing up, activating a feeling of strength.
• On an inhale, sweep your sitting bones back to extend your legs straighter, and on an exhale, press strong through your legs, extend the spine, and bow the heart forward with a focus on keeping the head in line with your arms.
• Hold for 3 – 5 breaths. Bring the hands to hips and, on an inhale, come up to stand.

4. Malasana

• Prepare a blanket roll for under your heels.
• Keep your feet about mat-width apart, turn them out slightly, and place the blanket roll under your heels.
• Spread the toes so the legs are strong and bend the knees coming to a squat shaped position.
• Lengthen from your lumbar spine up to lift the chest, folding the palms in front of the heart.
• Continue to let the pelvis move down to the floor as you inhale deeply to lift the chest.
• Remain for 2 – 3 breaths.

5. Marjarasana

• Come down to table top position, where the hands are lined up outer-shoulder distance apart and the creases of the wrist are straight across.
• Walk the knees back just past the line of your hips and tuck your toes under.
• Remain steady with your breath, and begin to move naturally at first, allowing hips to sway in circles, or moving into child’s pose. Return to a steady table top position.
• With your inhales, fill fully through the torso lifting the heart forward and up, allowing the lower back to arch and the spine to soften toward the floor [the “cow” position].
• Exhale and draw the spine to the sky, lengthening the tailbone down, and rounding the back [the “cat” position]. Let each inhale fill with remembrance, and let each exhale turn in with affirmation.
• Repeat for 5 – 8 breaths.

6. Wide low lunge with a twist

• From a table top position, step your right foot forward outside the right hand in a low lunge position.
• Let your right foot turn out 10 degrees or so, and allow your knee to align over the middle of the foot.
• Keep the back foot’s toes tucked under and firm your legs by drawing from your feet up into the pelvis.
• Keeping your legs strong, allow the pelvis to release forward and bend the front knee.
• Remain up on fingertips or blocks to allow deep inhales and exhales to lift the heart.
• Keep the legs stable and the right knee aligned, and on an inhale reach your right arm to the sky, opening the right side body in a twist.
• Extend from pelvis to legs and with each inhale, lift the heart higher. With each exhale, create length in the twist. Repeat inhaling to lengthen and exhaling to twist 3 – 5 breaths.
  Inhale to exit the twist, return to table top, and change legs.

7. Ekapada Rajakapotasana or Pigeon Pose [with preparation and quad stretch]

• Begin in table top position and slide your right knee forward and wide, aligned outside your right wrist.
• Allow the right foot and shin to come up away from the pelvis as much as is comfortable, extending your left leg straight back from the pelvis.
• Come down onto forearms, adjust so the pelvis is parallel to the floor and your weight is evenly spread on both legs.
• Tuck the left foot toes under, and begin to strengthen your legs by drawing from your feet through the legs to the pelvis, as if you were keeping your knees together. Stay on forearms with your head aligned.
• With every inhale, lengthen the torso, bringing the heart more forward. With every exhale, release the pelvis and legs down and back.
• For extra support you can place a blanket horizontally under the front of the pelvis so it supports both legs. Remain in this pose for 3 – 5 breaths.

[Quad Stretch]

• Remain steady in the legs, and begin to come up vertical in the spine. Use blocks under each hand to give you more length if needed.
• When upright, bend your left knee and, with the left hand, hold the top of the left foot and draw it in toward the outer edge of your pelvis for a quad stretch. Draw your knees toward midline and toward the pelvis, and lift up while you pull the left foot in.
• Keep the right hand on a block if needed to maintain length of the torso, and presence with deep breath for this intense stretch. Remain in this pose for 2 – 3 breaths. Repeat with left leg forward.

8. Virasana

• Hero’s pose can be supported with one or two blankets folded, placed just under the pelvis.
• Stand on your knees with your thighs parallel to each other, and feet lined up wider than your pelvis. Place the blankets between your heels, not between your knees.
• Spread your toes, activate your legs, and sit down on the blankets. If there is pain or discomfort in the knees, try a higher prop to lift the pelvis and take pressure off the knees.
• Rest your hands on your thighs, close your eyes, and in this meditative position, return your awareness to the remembrance of your unique talents. Allow every inhale for remembrance, and every exhale to
  settle your pelvis down, releasing into this affirmation.
• Remain 5 – 8 breaths in this seated breath meditation. To come out
  of Virasana, come to table top position and stretch the legs back one
  at a time.

9. Ardha matseyandrasana

• Bring the right foot and shin forward as you did for pigeon pose. Take the left foot and place it flat to the floor outside your right thigh.
• Be sure both sides of your pelvis are equally weighted; feel free to use a blanket to create this steady foundation.
• With your fingertips to the floor behind you, engage the legs and root the pelvis down.
• With every inhale, extend long through your spine to lift the chest, and fill with remembrance of your Self.
• Stay tall in the spine, inhale and move your right arm up, and on the exhale, cross your body placing the right elbow to the outside of the left knee. Remain tall in the spine with each inhale, and with each exhale, move the chest into the twist.
• Remain in the pose for 3 – 5 breaths. Inhale to release out of the twist and change legs.

10. Supta baddakonasana

• For the final round, a restorative position that opens the chest yet helps you feel grounded is the best choice.
• Place a blanket roll lengthwise on your mat behind you. Bring your feet together to touch and allow the knees to open to the sides.
• Keeping your pelvis on the mat, lay your torso down on the blanket so it lines up just under your spine.
• Let your arms be free and open to the sides, and be sure your head is supported on the prop. Feel free to add extra support if needed under each knee. The blanket can feel like a wonderful support, as if you are being held up as who you are, heart wide open, presenting yourself once again fully to the world.
• Remain 5 – 10 minutes.

With these yoga poses, you will be able to find a path to your inner self. Staying connected is always the answer to self-doubt.

The post 10 asanas to supercharge your confidence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Little, Brown and Company [December 22, 2015]

ISBN: 978-1409156024

Pages: 352

Price: INR 415

Haven’t we all been in situations where we were expected to present our strongest and most confident self—like a job interview, or a business presentation, or a competitive athletic event? These very moments that demand your best also cause anxiety and self-doubt, making you feel powerless, often leading you to walk away with regret, wishing you could have done better.

In Presence, Harvard Business School professor Amy Cuddy expands on her popular TED talk about adopting confident body postures, or “power poses”, to bring your best self to social and professional situations.

Instead of just a collection of poses to practise in front of a mirror, the author takes us on a journey to learn to nurture our authentic selves and to overcome the damage that Impostor Syndrome inflicts on us. She also offers some practical approaches to take control of the challenging situations we might find ourselves in. The book collects real-life anecdotes from everyday folks who have surmounted difficult situations by being present and by practising the power postures that worked for them.

What is “Presence”? We’ve all read about mindfulness, being present in the moment, bringing our authentic selves to every situation, but the author gives a simple yet accessible definition: “Presence, as I mean it throughout these pages, is the state of feeling connected with our own thoughts, values, abilities and emotions, so that we can better connect with the thoughts, values, abilities and emotions of others.”

In other words, if we can train our speech and nonverbal behaviour to be in tune with our beliefs, abilities and values, we can achieve a synchronised inner state that can then reflect outwards.

Referring to psychologist William James’ body-mind theory of emotions, the author shares an assertion that struck the deepest nerve with her: “I don’t sing because I’m happy; I’m happy because I sing.” This eye-opening idea, attributed to James back in late 1800s, asserts that bodily experiences cause emotions, not the other way around. This is the basis for proposing that physical power poses can, in fact, alter the emotional state.

A research study shared in the book states that by adopting behaviours that emulate power and strength, the testosterone levels increase while the cortisol levels decrease, priming our mind for potential success. Much like “Fake it till you make it” principle, once you start practising expansive “power poses”, the biochemistry can help transform the fear and anxiety to excitement and intensity that helps us navigate the tough situation with confidence.

A few of the poses shared in the book might seem frivolous at first glance—like, the Wonder Woman pose with arms at the hips and legs planted firmly apart—but, by expanding our body laterally [and/or vertically] we give ourselves power to be there, to occupy that space and own it, much like dominance display in animal kingdom.

Postures such as slouching and hunching, sitting with arms wrapped around the body or placed on lap make us look small and thus feel subordinate—as if we don’t belong in that space, in that moment. However, the author is quick to point out how certain poses might be offensive in other cultures and cautions us to use it for our own self affirmation rather than to project superiority.

While talking about personal power, the author shares the disturbing results from a study done with kids aged four to six that reveals a strong male-power gender bias. She challenges us to change it by changing the stereotypes that our kids are exposed to. Powerful poses are not exclusively masculine, and powerless postures are not necessarily feminine—we are not encouraging women to be men with such power poses. Adopting a triumphant posture is not about competing with others but to accept one’s own strength and personal power in a given situation.

When we focus less on how others might be judging us and more on fully inhabiting the moment—feeling neither threatened or dominant—we are thoughtfully engaging with the present, and therefore we experience personal power.

The author points out that presence is not a continual state of being but a moment-to-moment experience which we can tweak through body language, behaviour and mind-set. The ideal effect of presence in a challenging situation, as the author puts it, is to execute your role with comfortable confidence and synchrony, and walk away with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, regardless of the measurable outcome. That is true personal power.

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Respect is a funny concept. All around us, we see people demanding as well as giving respect for all the wrong reasons:

— In your family, you are expected to respect your elders whether or not they deserve it; in many cultures, you need to respect your husband just because he is a man and you’re his wife, even if he always treats you poorly and doesn’t respect you at all.

— At school/college, you are expected to respect your teachers, doesn’t matter if they can’t teach their subject well.

— At work, you are required to respect your seniors, regardless of how competent they are.

Then there are people who demand respect because they are rich, powerful, famous, strong, attractive, talented, work in law enforcement or just because they belong to a certain race, religion, caste etc.

Why do people demand respect?

I often wonder why people demand respect. Shouldn’t respect be earned? If someone respects us only because we are in a position to demand it, isn’t such respect fake? If you ask me, I would like to be respected only for my abilities and qualities, not because my position demands it.

What perturbs me is that so many people are comfortable with fake respect. For example, I see so many subordinates who show respect to their superiors, whether or not they feel it inside. Usually they do so because they want to be politically correct. After all, they can’t afford to upset their boss!

Showing versus feeling respect

Showing respect is different from feeling respect. The former is a conceited attempt, used, or perhaps misused, for political or selfish gains. The latter is a naturally occurring phenomenon, inspired by legitimate appreciation of the other’s talent, quality or attitude.

Genuine respect is felt inside. It is earned by living a life that inspires and motivates. It is objective and unbiased. But, it is not demanded. Yet, we find our elders, seniors, and superiors insisting that we respect them?

The truth is that respect has nothing to do with age and seniority. In fact, it is possible that we may respect many people who are younger than us, have lesser experience, or are lower in social status.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
— Albert Einstein

I respect many of my subordinates, not because they demand—they can’t!—but, because they command it through their work, their behaviour, and their attitude. On the other hand, I don’t feel respect for many who are in positions of authority—because I find that they assert themselves needlessly, frequently to display their “power” and feel in control.

Respect and authority

Sometimes, people curb their expression of respect, again for the wrong reasons. Bosses don’t “show” their respect to their subordinates, fathers to their sons, teachers to their students, and husbands to their wives, because they feel that doing so would lessen their authority. But respect feeds on respect. When we show genuine respect, the other respects us for our honesty and confidence.

Yes, showing genuine respect to others implies that we are confident of ourselves to feel secure and therefore we can let the others know that we respect them. This brings us to self-respect.

Why self-respect is vital

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
— Confucius

Commanding our own respect is most important. Self-respect is a necessary condition to give and receive respect. We can’t give to others what we don’t have for ourselves. And we can’t expect others to respect us if we don’t respect ourselves. So don’t forget to honour yourself; count your strengths and learn to respect yourself.

Updated on 31^st January 2021

The post Don’t demand respect — command it! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.