In their insightful book, Thanks for the Feedback, authors, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, argue that if we learn to receive feedback more graciously, we stand to benefit immensely. Of course, the feedback we receive may be unfair, biased, judgmental or plain wrong. But instead of reactively shutting out unflattering or disparaging feedback, we may glean nuggets that can aid us in our quest for self-improvement.

The art of receiving feedback

Like most messy things in life, feedback comes in various guises. While grades, performance appraisals, reviews and ratings are more formal, feedback may arrive as compliments, thank you notes, invitations or lack thereof, divorce papers or cold silence.

The reason Stone and Heen focus on feedback receivers as opposed to feedback givers is because the receivers ultimately decide what they do or don’t do with the feedback. No one, however powerful or authoritative, can shove feedback down you unless you are ready or willing to take it. If we want to better ourselves, we should be more open to receiving feedback from everyone, they recommend.

The manner in which we respond to feedback impacts our professional and personal selves. Explicitly asking for negative feedback is linked to better performance ratings at work. Likewise, marriages are more robust when partners are willing to be influenced by inputs from their partners. Fortunately, like most skills, our ability to respond to feedback can be honed.

Stone and Heen point out that feedback typically assumes one of three forms. While appreciation may be a form of thanks or praise, coaching provides tips on how to do something better. Evaluation, on the other hand, signifies where you stand relative to others.

But people—both, those giving and those receiving feedback—aren’t necessarily aware of these sub-types. And, often a mismatch between what the giver provides and what the receiver expects can create tension. Before dismissing feedback, the receiver needs to make a concerted effort to understand what the giver is trying to convey.

The authors posit that three types of triggers set off a cascade of emotions that impede our ability to assess feedback more objectively.

Three types of triggers

1. Truth trigger

A truth trigger concerns the content of the feedback, which you believe is neither true nor helpful. You typically feel irritated or affronted by these comments. To complicate matters, we all have blind spots or areas of weaknesses that we aren’t aware of. So, when we feel that the feedback we receive is outright wrong or inappropriate, it could well be that the giver is incorrect. But it could also be that the feedback maybe throwing a spotlight on our blind spots. Stone and Heen counsel us that even if 90% of the feedback may not be accurate, even 10% can give you pointers to improve yourself.

2. Relationship trigger

A relationship trigger, on the other hand, relates to the relationship between the giver and receiver. Any feedback by certain people can stir up a cauldron of negativity. How dare she even suggest that? Does he think I’m so dumb? But instead of getting enmeshed in these emotions, we should try to disassociate the feedback from both the giver and the concomitant feelings they arouse in us.

3. Identity trigger

An identity trigger occurs when feedback diminishes our sense of self. And, one of the best ways to fight this threat is to cultivate a “growth mindset,” a term coined by Stanford psychologist, Carol Dweck. Instead of believing that our identities are set in stone, if we hold a more fluid concept, wherein our identities morph and grow over time, we are less likely to bristle when someone seems to suggest that we alter a core aspect of ourselves.

Choosing to accept or disregard feedback

If we want to grow into our best possible selves, feedback from others, including those we don’t usually like or get along with, can provide us with useful tips. Before disregarding unpleasant feedback offhandedly, it might be a good idea to try to understand how the other person perceives us and be open to experimenting with suggestions that we may otherwise habitually dismiss.

After parsing the feedback without being entangled by emotions, we can then disregard parts that we feel are incorrect or are not meeting our current needs. Ultimately, it is up to us to draw our boundaries by deciding what aspects of the feedback we wish to use or discard.

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How attachment style affects adult relationships

Basically, attachment impels us to seek psychological and physical support from our partners so that we feel safe. When our emotional needs are fulfilled by our partners, we become confident and more outward-looking.

Our attachment patterns also impact our physical health. A study conducted by psychiatrist Brian Baker, examined the influence of marital partners on people with mild blood pressure. Those who reported being in robust marriages benefited from spending time with their spouses, i.e., their blood pressure actually reduced. On the other hand, those in non-optimal marriages experienced an increase in blood pressure when their partners were present. Our partners also play a role in how we view ourselves, thereby heightening or undermining our sense of self-efficacy.

According to Levine and Heller, two dimensions underlie our attachments styles. The first relates to our “comfort with intimacy” or whether we avoid getting too close to our partner. The second dimension reflects our anxiety about our partner’s “love and attentiveness.”

A secure attachment style involves low anxiety and avoidance. Secure adults are comfortable with closeness and exude warmth and love. An anxious style entails a high degree of doubt and uncertainty regarding the relationship yet the person is comfortable with intimacy. Anxious people tend to require constant reassurance from their partners. An avoidant style, in contrast, implies that the person is uncomfortable with closeness but is not anxious about the relationship. Avoidant individuals prize their independence more than the relationship. The anxious-avoidant style includes high degrees of both anxiety and avoidance.

The vast majority of people fall under the secure group, about a quarter are avoidant and around 20 percent are anxious. A small subset, less than 5 percent, fall into the meld of anxious-avoidant.

What determines our attachment style

Adult attachment research suggests that, when it comes to relationships, we tend to behave in a “predetermined manner.” Our attachment patterns in adulthood stem from our genetic predispositions, childhood attachment patterns with our parents and our experiences in life, including past romantic relationships. Further, attachment patterns seem slightly mutable with one in four people shifting to a different style over a span of four-years, on average. Levine and Heller also assert that we shouldn’t necessarily view the anxious and avoidant styles as “pathological”, only different.

You may assess your own attachment pattern using the Experience in Close Relationship (ECR) questionnaire, that is available online here [takes just few mins to complete].

Researchers have observed that avoidants rarely pair up together, possibly because neither of them can create the emotional bond that holds two people together. People who are secure wish to be close to their partners. At the same time, they are not antsy about getting rejected and give each other sufficient space, both physical and psychological. They are neither clingy nor distant. However, sometimes, a secure person may be too forgiving of a partner’s misdemeanors and may even feel completely responsible for their “partner’s wellbeing.” If you are a generally secure person, but start doubting yourself or find yourself behaving in odd, mistrustful ways, chances are that you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship.

Those who are anxious don’t have issues with intimacy. However, they are overly sensitive to the tiniest of “perceived threats to this closeness”. They are highly emotional and tend to feel overwhelmed when this happens. As they are flooded with dread, they are unable to communicate their actual feelings to their partners and may behave in inexplicable ways, creating a lot of tension and drama.

If the partner of an insecure person is “sensitive and nurturing enough,” they may be able to quell their partner’s anxiety by reassuring them of being loved. Once the anxious person feels validated, their oversensitivity can actually be a bonus because they are attuned to their partner’s needs and moods.

If you are the one with an anxious attachment style, then you need to be aware that your emotional system tends to be hypervigilant and easily aroused. Instead of reacting to every slight, remind yourself that you tend to latch onto false and hasty assumptions while catastrophizing minor misdemeanors. Also, learn to assert yourself by stating your needs for connection and reassurance explicitly. Further, if you are anxious, you may avoid partnering with someone who has an avoidant style as those two styles tend to exacerbate the worst traits in the other.

Here’s what to do if you have an avoidant style

According to Levine and Heller, avoidants tend to view their partners as needy, especially if they are anxious. Additionally, they don’t necessarily acknowledge that they too have needs and insecurities. They also overemphasise the importance of self-reliance, not realising how deeply interconnected and dependent we all are as human beings. Unfortunately, avoidants are often not consciously aware of these thought patterns.

If you are an avoidant, building your self-awareness is the first step towards a warmer and more satisfying relationship. Instead of overstating the need for self-reliance, try to value mutual support. Notice and appreciate positives in your partner more often. Levine and Heller also note that avoidants, just like anxious individuals, grow more secure when they are paired with someone with a secure attachment style.

If you are paired with an avoidant partner, don’t hesitate to assert your need for closeness. If they pull back or make you feel extremely needy, when in fact you are not, consider seeking help from a couples counsellor or relationship expert.

Communication is the key

While two people with secure attachment styles are likely to have a harmonious relationship, research shows that “mixed” couples—i.e., wherein one partner is secure and the other insecure (either anxious or avoidant)—also fare just as well in terms of functioning and conflict resolution. Whatever your attachment style, all relationships benefit from effective communication, wherein both partners can express their authentic needs in respectful ways without feeling judged or belittled by the other. In a true partnership, both partners are sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs while allowing the other to “become the best person” he or she can be.

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In 1984, I discovered Aikido and found that this martial art and the art of intelligent communication have much in common. I also found that practising Aikido helped me to be a more skilled communicator. As a martial art, Aikido is flowing, dance-like and powerful. As a communication metaphor, it represents a different and more elegant way to exchange ki [life energy].

We are, always and everywhere, giving and receiving life energy in the ways we speak, move and act. When we are centered and aware, we communicate more intentionally. This is just one of the things Aikido teaches.

Aikido also physically embodies critical communication skills, such as active listening, empathy and perspective taking, and offers ways to re-pattern unhelpful communication habits. For example, in everyday life, the Aikido metaphor plays out when you acknowledge someone’s comments and paraphrase what you hear. You’re also practising communication Aikido whenever you listen with curiosity to an opposing view or search for mutual understanding, respect and purpose.

Aikido: The Art of Peace

Morihei Ueshiba, a highly skilled and renowned Japanese swordsman and martial artist, developed Aikido in the early 20th century. The word Aikido is often translated as “the way of blending or harmonising with energy” or more simply “The Art of Peace.” Aikido principles such as blending [stepping out of the line of the attack and moving alongside the attacker] and non-resistant leading [joining and redirecting the incoming energy, or ki]—are used and taught throughout the world as a system to de-escalate conflict and build stability, flexibility and presence. In Aikido, the attack is reframed as power that can be developed and guided. The Aikidoist does not resist, block or harm the opponent. What would normally be understood as an act of violence is seen simply as energy to be utilised.

After many years of practising and teaching Aikido and applying its principles in the workplace, I’ve found that things change dramatically when you reframe an attack as incoming energy that can be guided toward a mutually agreeable outcome. It changes how we communicate, listen, and manage conflict. And I’ve found that certain practices and attitudes from Aikido are particularly useful when communicating in difficult circumstances.

1. Reframing

In Aikido, it is often said that the opponent’s attack is a gift of energy. With this shift of mindset, I stop resisting and instead connect with my partner. In communication, this might take the form of asking a direct question: “Can you tell me more about why you think this is the best solution?” or acknowledging a feeling: “ You sound concerned that the direction we’re taking may not be the best one.”

2. Non-judgement

As human beings, we are experts at forming judgements about everything. For example, if during a conversation, you begin to draw conclusions about who’s right and who’s wrong, you will find it difficult to stay open to possibility. Once we judge someone as a problem, that’s all we see in them and we miss their more open, empathetic parts. Becoming non-judgemental is a practice, and the first step is noticing that you’re doing it.

3. Curiosity and inquiry

The antidote to judgement is a mindset of curiosity and inquiry. This mindset will empower you and keep your communication safe and on track. People who are sincerely curious, ask honest and open-ended questions, such as:

• 

  How did you feel when that happened?

• What were you hoping for?
• What do you think is the best solution here?
• What would you like me to do differently?

It may be difficult at first to ask questions when you really want to push for your way. But remember that listening is not agreement. Listening gives you needed information and reduces tension and resistance on both sides.

When I’m teaching Aikido on the mat, I see the physical embodiment of curiosity and listening each time the person receiving the attack steps out of the way, slides to the attacker’s side, and faces the same direction as the attacker. In communication, we do this when we ask a question that helps us see what the other person is seeing.

4.  Appreciation

In communication situations, when you encounter resistance to your message, the last thing you probably want to do is appreciate that resistance.  Yet, that’s exactly what we do in Aikido when we manage a physical attack by joining and leading it.

Our skill in communication lies in our ability to identify the resistance and help the communicator to express it. For example, “I’m not sure I understand, can you say more?” Without something to push against, the resistance turns into energy we can join and lead toward further understanding and problem solving.

This is verbal Aikido. And you practice it when you:

• Ask the other person more about his or her concerns.
• Name the resistance, as in, “Are you frustrated by what just happened?”
• Be quiet and let the other person fill the silence.
• Don’t take it personally.

Being heard

The Aikido of Communication also includes educating others about where you stand. Through reframing, non-judgement, curiosity and appreciation, you have reduced resistance and created an opening for your ideas to be heard.

As you create the opening to advocate for your point of view, the following steps will help.

• Educate. When it’s time to share your point of view, don’t assume the other person can see it. Teach him what things look like from your point of view.
• Communicate your hopes and goals. For example, “When you said you would have the spreadsheet ready by Tuesday, I took you at your word. My hope is that we all recognise the importance of deadlines on a project that’s as time sensitive as this one. Can you tell me what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation?”
• Remain curious. Don’t forget that everything you experience is filtered through your perception. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand.”
• Centre yourself and extend positive energy. In Aikido, we remain centred and focussed on a mutually beneficial outcome. In life and business, you do the same when your language and manner are poised and flexible, and you make your adversary a partner by honouring her viewpoint and positive intent.

Morihei Ueshiba said to “always practise the Art of Peace in a vibrant and joyful manner.” Aikidoists try to remember this as we throw each other around the mat, smiling and having fun while we practise to perfect our technique. Practising Aikido concepts as we talk, listen and acknowledge each other will allow us to become more aware and mindful, and more skilful in our communication.

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But then my husband, a marvelously funny man, will peer, wide-eyed and blinking, into my face, cock his head like a parrot, and start singing a little song about me and the silly reason that I’m mad [usually to the tune of a popular song]. He’s so good it usually even rhymes. By the end I can’t help but smile, and my amusement has chased away my frustration. All is forgiven, and our evening rolls on.

In contrast, when my husband is upset about something, he tends to rant. Over the 20 years of our marriage I have learned that if I just listen to him and nod appreciatively, he’ll pick up steam, like a train chugging ever faster down a track, and eventually his rant will turn into a full-on stand-up comedy routine about his irritations—complete with embellishments and dramatic re-enactments. It’s hilarious. His recent tirade about his annoyances with my mother had me laughing so hard, I literally could not speak.

Of course, there are things about my husband that I sometimes wish were different, and I’m sure that he could provide you an exhaustive list of all the ways I disappoint him. But the fact that he is funny, and I am easily amused, has saved our marriage from the many things that could have sunk it.

Why Laugh About It?

All relationships have natural friction points. Differences between partner’s opinions, personalities, hopes and expectations all create hurt and frustration. This is true for every couple, even the happiest. Research into relationships conducted by Dr John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Washington, estimates that up to 80 per cent of the problems that all couples have are due to these intrinsic differences. These are therefore “unsolvable problems” that are never going to change.

You may be surprised to learn that happy couples have just as many differences and circumstantial hardships as unhappy couples, yet they are thriving anyway. Why? One thing that happy couples often have that struggling couples don’t, is humor.

Going for a giggle in a tense moment sounds simplistic, but reaching for humor instead of anger, defensiveness or judgement during a friction point does four extremely important things to strengthen your relationship.

How Humor Promotes a Happy Marriage

1. Humor creates a “repair attempt”

The happiest, most successful couples are able to stop an argument in its tracks by attempting to repair the impending rift before it gets too wide. Reaching out to an angry, upset, or hurt partner in efforts to close the gap and restore peace [and then having that olive branch accepted] is a “repair attempt”. When the thunder and lightning of a bad fight are rumbling on the horizon and one partner is able to crack a joke that makes the other person smile, the sun peeks through the ominous clouds. Moods lift, the problem seems less serious, and it’s easier to reconnect.

2. Laughter breaks a negative mood state

Negative moods like anger, resentment or hurt tend to reinforce themselves and get stronger over time. When you are upset about something, you ruminate about it—turning it over and over in your mind, like a cow chewing her cud. The more you think about all the horrible ways in which your partner has disappointed or offended you, the worse you feel. But when someone throws a cold splash of unexpected humor into the face of self-righteous anger, it breaks the pattern. Getting knocked off keel by something funny shifts the trajectory of a bad mood, allowing positive feelings to flow back into an otherwise unhappy outcome.

3. Humor creates emotional safety

Nobody behaves well when they are feeling attacked, threatened or shut out. I guarantee you that when you aggressively confront your partner about something it will nearly always provoke them to feel offended and defensive. Likewise, if you coldly dismiss your partner’s complaints you are inviting them to get more angry and hostile. But responding with humor will nearly always get a more positive response. Why? It restores emotional safety. When you are funny, unexpected, and lighthearted, you are communicating, “I’m not really that mad. You’re safe with me.” Defensiveness is diffused, and aggressiveness wanes: Connection has been achieved. All of a sudden, whatever you are in conflict about seems more manageable and easier to deal with.

4. Humor emphasizes the positive aspects of your relationship

Some people are wary about being lighthearted with relationship problems that seem serious to them, saying, “But won’t it minimize my feelings?” Or, “But if we just joke about it, things will never change!” So they insist on grinding away at their differences, and becoming increasingly unhappy when things stay the same. Newsflash: You and your partner will always be different people. They will never change into exactly who and what you think they should be. Focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship will make those differences more pronounced and will change the emotional climate of your marriage for the worse.

Find reasons to laugh

In contrast, enjoying your partner’s company, having fun with them and appreciating the good things about them will help you have a better relationship. And the grand paradox is that when people feel safe, accepted and cherished for who they are, it is actually easier for them to change for the better. When you use humor to communicate to your partner that you enjoy them, they will be more eager to please you and less inclined to fight with you.

So the next time things get difficult between you and your partner, do something unexpected and funny. Crack a joke. Sing a silly song. Make a face. Emphasize the funny parts of your disagreement. Find reasons to laugh. Have a good time. And if the neighbors call the cops on you—blame me.

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How do children know they are loved? Infants may not know the esoteric underpinnings, but if their survival needs are met, their sense of security is strong, which helps them thrive as they develop. As toddlers, children implicitly trust their parents, relying on them for comfort and safety, testing their newfound independence and yet revelling in the bonds of affection. Preschool through teenage years, children grow so rapidly that love is the one constant factor that can support and sustain their explosion of development. Every child knows love instinctively and can recognise its many manifestations.

Why say “I love you”?

Parents may wonder, Why tell my children that I love them? Don’t they know it already? Isn’t it understood? What is the point of saying it every day? The simple answer is Why not? However, delving deeper into the Why of it, there are at least five good reasons:

Trust

As children grow, they need someone to trust, someone to turn to for guidance, someone who won’t criticise or ridicule them. When you tell your kids you love them, they know that they can trust you implicitly. They realise that no matter what, their parents believe in them and have their best interests at heart, and will not abandon them. This provides a safety net as they navigate the complexities of this world.

Courage

A strong foundation helps children take risks and venture out into the world to be their best. And courage is at the root of it all. When we love our children with no strings attached, we also give them courage to make mistakes, and fail but still find the strength to try again because they become fearless when enveloped in love.

Confidence

As a rite of passage, teenagers struggle with questions of likeability. Is their worth tied to their looks? Their accomplishments? Or their uniqueness? Should they try to please their peers in order to be likeable? Are they valuable human beings simply for who they are and the values they hold high and live by? While love may not cast out self-doubt entirely, it instils confidence and self-reliance that can carry a child through these difficult periods of development.

Reciprocation

In a world driven by an attitude of ‘What can others do for me’, love encourages the ‘What can I do for you’ attitude. A child who has received unconditional love learns to reciprocate in kind.

Communication

Mutual love lets us speak our minds with no fear of judgement or consequences. A child who feels loved also learns to communicate with due respect. And communication is the key to any successful relationship.

More than mere words

On the other hand, just mechanically saying the words, “I love you” does not accomplish much. And potentially, those words may not mean much to a child who hears it too often and therefore ceases to pay attention to it.

Rather than focussing on just saying the words, it is important to communicate in a way that is meaningful to the child. The expression of love that deeply connects a parent with their child is unique to their relationship. One child revels in physical affirmations like hugs, cuddles and kisses; another might prefer quality time playing games or completing a project together. While one child feels overwhelming love via special actions that parents do for them, like taking them to a favourite park or cooking a favourite meal, another might blossom under repeated words of affection—not idle praise, but true words of appreciation and acknowledgement.

The best way to convey the “I love you” message to your child is to know which of these several ways of expressions resonates with them the most. Ask them who loves them, and why they think so. This will give an insight into what form of interchange the child responds to when it comes to love. The language of love translates to the intangible bond of affection that the child recognises and appreciates. Once your child becomes aware of the various things you are doing to show your love, s/he will start to feel it and delight in it.

Some ways you can convey your love

• Pack your child’s favourite lunch as a surprise and add a little note or a poem in the lunch bag
• Put away all electronic devices and other distractions and focus on having a conversation with your child about their school day
• Cuddle on the sofa and read their favourite book
• Go to a cricket match or concert to enjoy an afternoon together while you accumulate memories
• Offer words of acknowledgement and appreciation with no conditions attached.

Learning to speak the language of love that your child understands is a skill that is essential for establishing a positive relationship that flourishes over time.

It is especially difficult to communicate your love when your child is misbehaving or attracting negative attention. By separating the behaviour from the fact that your child has your unconditional love, it is easier to set the expectations for appropriate behaviour.

Even if the no-frills verbal “I love you” does not feel natural or easy for you, it is still worth the effort to identify when such an expression of love is best received, and in what mode and manner. With practice, we can get over our own discomfort and arrive at the most comfortable way to express our love. By declaring each and every day that we love our children, we keep the attachment strong and, at the same time, reassure and nurture our children to flex their wings and fly.

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If your answer is “yes” to even one of the above questions, then you suffer from a communication disorder. Staying silent when you ought to speak is as bad as speaking incessantly without consideration for others. Whether it’s at work or at home, the inability to express oneself openly is ultimately detrimental to one’s mental and spiritual health. One of the first steps you need to take in order to remedy the inability to communicate is to decide to speak up. However, this can be tricky, because the irony about candour or openness is that it’s easy to practise except in those moments when it really counts. So, how can you correct this?

Deciding to speak up

If you’re nervous that what you have to say won’t be well-received [or if you get anxious about speaking up to begin with], it is hard to get the words to come out of your mouth. People often imagine the worst-case scenario will happen once they do: they’ll be shot down, embarrassed, offend someone, perceived as incompetent or as a troublemaker, and so on. Rather than risk these outcomes [which feel real], they withhold their ideas and opinions. They play it safe, but, in doing so, they deprive their loved ones of a glimpse into their true selves.

Try training yourself to speak up even if you’re uncomfortable when you do so

Those who have a hard time speaking up often want to feel confident that their words will be well-received before they speak. That rarely happens in challenging conversations. Things always seem worse the moment before you speak up. But once you do, how often does the worst-case scenario happen? The consequences we imagine are far worse than the actual consequences we experience.

The real challenge is to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent words from flowing. Here are some tips to help do that.

Tips to help you express

1. Disconnect “feeling uncomfortable” with speaking up. People unconsciously connect feelings and actions in their minds. People who are significantly overweight are often coached to disconnect the feeling of hunger from the act of eating; they train themselves to eat prescribed portions at prescribed times. They learn to be hungry and not eat. Similarly, try training yourself to speak up even if you’re uncomfortable when you do so.
2. Consider the best-case scenarios to balance the worst-case scenarios. We automatically think of the bad things that might happen to us if we speak up. But what about the good? Maybe what you have to say will help solve your friend’s problem or make your loved one realise their mistake. At work, maybe what you say represents the feelings of others in the group and they appreciate your candour.
3. Find other ways to hear your voice in a situation. The more you participate in conversations, the easier it becomes to speak up. Find a way to contribute that feels less risky. Ask questions of others. The more you hear your voice in a conversation, the easier it becomes to speak up when it feels hard and uncomfortable to do so.
4. Ask someone you trust to give you feedback. Let that person know that you are trying to find ways of communicating constructively and that you’d like to know how your efforts are impacting the relationship. At work, you could ask a close colleague to help you out. Let them know as specifically as you can what you’re working on. After a meeting, ask for their impressions on what you did well and what you could do differently in the future. If you ask for their feedback, DO NOT ARGUE OR GET DEFENSIVE. Take notes, say thank you, and work on those behaviours at the next meeting.
5. Don’t take responsibility for other people’s reactions. We often stop ourselves from speaking because we’re worried about how others will react. This actually does a great disservice to ourselves and others. We don’t say hard things that may help others be better because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. And so they don’t get better. Manage your half of the relationship and let others manage theirs. Say what you need to say respectfully. Then allow people to have their reactions.
6. It’s not making a mess but cleaning it up that makes a difference. People often think that once they say what’s on their mind, the consequences will be lasting. If, for instance, you offend someone, it’s easy to think that you’ve eroded trust or damaged that relationship permanently. But communication is a process that unfolds over multiple interactions. If you say something that didn’t come out as you intended, or if it is misunderstood, you have options. You can clarify what you meant. You can apologise. You can try stating your message a different way. Your speaking isn’t the end of the conversation. It’s your beginning. So if it doesn’t come out right or has unintended consequences, you have multiple opportunities to make yourself understood and to understand the other person’s perspective.

Remember…

Communicating openly and freely may be challenging in the beginning. So start doing just one thing differently, and then build on your success. When you say what you mean, mean what you say, and say it in real time, you’ll find that you’re able to address problems in the moment, thus freeing your mind and energy for more creative approaches that benefit you and your loved ones. May the skills be with you!

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The importance of successful conversation

Dear Jacques & Shona,
You have now been married for a little more than a month. You looked so happy together and I truly believe that you will have a blessed marriage. By now, I imagine that you have sorted through all the wedding photographs and sent out the thank you notes for the lovely wedding gifts you received. I wonder if you had a difference of opinion or perhaps an argument about one of the post-wedding responsibilities or decisions newlyweds need to make. Please remember that it is quite normal to have different views on matters. It is also normal to have arguments every now and then. It is unrealistic to expect that the two of you will always agree on everything. A successful marriage is not one without differences of opinion or arguments but one where two people develop the ability to process their differences and arguments constructively—which brings me to the importance of communication in marriage.

Successful communication and, more specifically, successful conversations are extremely important in a marriage. A successful conversation started your relationship, and continued successful conversations caused your relationship to grow to the point where you wanted to get married. Without successful conversations, a relationship cannot be born or grow, nor can it exist meaningfully. On this relationship journey you need successful conversation after successful conversation to constructively share and process your different opinions or views on all kinds of matters about everyday married life, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. You need to be able to discuss your different opinions successfully but the ability to do this is something that has to be developed.

Unfortunately, you are not born with this ability, just like you were not born with the ability to speak words. It would have been funny though. Can you imagine greeting the doctor while entering this world? The skill to speak words, which is only a small part of successful communication, is something that both of you had to develop during the first few years of your lives. In school you had to develop the skill to write words, which is another small part of successful communication. But the ability to speak and write words does not mean you have the ability to discuss important issues in marriage constructively—especially if you have different views on these issues.

Without successful conversations, a relationship cannot be born or grow, nor can it exist meaningfully

When communication is successful, it will bring life into your relationship and cause it to flourish. But, when your communication is unsuccessful, it will cause your relationship to wither and die.

So always remember that no marital issue, challenge, or difference of opinion has the ability to harm or diminish your relationship. It is the way you process marital issues, challenges, or differences of opinion that will make or break your relationship; which is why communication has been called the lifeblood or heartbeat of a marriage relationship.

—Gustav Muller

Three basic principles—a guideline for successful conversation

Dear Jacques & Shona
When we spoke to you on the phone the other day, you mentioned a movie you had seen together and it reminded me of how much your mom and I enjoy going to the movies. It’s one of those things that strengthen our friendship-bond—except for one day. At the end of the movie we saw that day, your mom declared that the movie was very unsettling. I immediately replied that I thought it was quite a good movie. She responded with a few reasons why it was not a good movie and I in turn defended my point of view. A perfectly wonderful evening got spoiled with an argument about the movie and on our way home you could have cut the atmosphere in the car with a knife. Neither one of us said anything.

The mistake I made that evening was to treat your mom as if I were right and she was wrong. I forgot the very first principle for a successful conversation, namely that we can both be right, or at least that we are both entitled to an opinion. You see, our respective opinions about something are generated by our respective inner worlds and our inner worlds are different. Yes, our inner worlds differ because we have different personalities, backgrounds and upbringings, all of which result in different world views, preferences and needs—and so the two of us look at things from different angles. Your mom and I, because of our different inner worlds, looked at the movie from different inner world angles and we were both right. In fact, we learned early on in our marriage that, no matter what we talk about, if we have different opinions about it, we are often both right [both of us are entitled to an opinion]. It’s a pity that we sometimes forget this valuable principle.

So, if our point of departure is that we could both be right, we can have a successful conversation. If not, our conversation might get very heated as we both try to prove that we are right—which implies that the other person is wrong—and as these passionate exchanges escalate, we might end up fighting.

We learned early on in our marriage that, no matter what we talk about, if we have different opinions about it, we are often both right

The second principle for successful conversation that we discovered is that we have to know when to position ourselves for the right kind of conversation. You see, there two different kinds of conversation of which one works well in certain instances while the other works well in other instances. This principle requires that one develops the ability to discern when to use which kind of conversation. In another letter I will discuss the two different kinds of conversations in more detail and then this principle will make more sense. For now it will be worth your while just to keep this second principle in mind.

The third principle we learned is that we have to allocate time to practise to communicate constructively. This involves setting time aside to discuss an issue, while actively trying to use all the tools that we will tell you about later on. You will remember that we said that having a successful conversation is a skill that needs to be developed—which means that we had to practise for a while until using these tools became second nature.

We discovered that as we took these principles to heart and put them into action, we were able to enjoy each other’s company much, much more.

—Gustav Muller

It’s impossible to stop communicating

Dear Jacques & Shona
You are probably still digesting the three principles that your dad wrote about in his previous letter, but there is one more I would like to add. At the beginning of our marriage, whenever we disagreed on something, we tended to argue in circles. It was so discouraging that I would eventually give up, stop communicating and leave the room. Later on in our marriage I realised that it’s impossible to stop communicating—for even when I stop talking, my body language and facial expressions continue to send out messages. Not even leaving the room can stop communication, because when I leave the room my absence communicates a message. My willingness or unwillingness to talk about something communicates a message. I am constantly sending out messages whether I want to or not.

It gets better. According to research, more than 80 per cent of a message is made up of all these non-verbal bits of information. That’s why experts go so far as to say that nonverbal information speaks louder than verbal information.

Not even leaving the room can stop communication, because when I leave the room my absence communicates a message

You also have to keep in mind that words have the power to enhance or damage a relationship.

Now for the interesting part. Let’s throw everything together. Words can enhance or damage, non-verbal information speaks louder than words and non-verbal communication can never be stopped. When I now look at the overall picture, I realise that my ability to communicate is something much bigger than I could ever have imagined.

So when God entrusted us with the ability to communicate, He entrusted us with something that has enormous power and can never be ‘switched’ off. This inspires me to keep on developing my communication skills, and also to take special care that my communication is positive and life-giving whenever possible. If I do this it will help protect the bond of love between your dad and me, and enable us to keep on enjoying each other’s company.

Before I say goodbye, here is something you can do: make a special date with each other just to talk about what I shared with you in this letter.

—Elna Muller

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Once upon a time in my childhood

If I were to describe my life in a single word, I’d choose the word story. My paternal grandma deserves the rich honour of opening the doors to the realm of imagination and creativity. As I think back to memories of childhood, she is the one who steals the spotlight. I sat besides her on sweltering summer afternoons, feeling the soft wrinkled folds of skin on her arm as I traveled to Lanka and Mithila, Dwaraka and Hastinapura. I flew the blue skies with Hanuman as he brought home the life-restoring herb from Sanjivini to revive a wounded Lakshmana when he fought the demon king, Ravana. I tasted every fruit that Shabari lovingly plucked and bit into in keen anticipation of Lord Rama’s visit.

It was Grandma who fostered in me a deep and abiding love of story—the art of storytelling, story writing and trading people’s stories with mine.

Story shapes our life.
Story gives meaning to our journey.
Story is the container for our destiny.

The wise old art of storytelling

To my pleasant surprise, it was storytelling that saved me as I applied for jobs in a new country, wondering if I’d have to settle for a humdrum desk job doing something just for a paycheck. A part-time position in a senior living community allowed me the bandwidth to create a space for seniors to share their life stories. For sixty minutes every week, a group of octogenarians and nonagenarians take centre stage in my group. As they tell stories of lives lived a long time ago, their faces light up and their eyes shine.

We live in a world where the elderly feel invisible a lot of the time. In our talk-text-and-message world of quick communication, their rambling narratives and measured pace, minuscule attention spans and confused memories have no place.

They find in this space a firm footing, as stories stored in long-term memories unfold, one sentence, one situation, one scene at a time. Stories of growing up dirt-poor during the Depression era; of crouching with pounding hearts in makeshift bomb shelters; of sending their men to war and committing to the war effort themselves; of evenings spent listening to the radio; of after-dinner dessert being nothing more ambitious than a dish of berries or peaches; of their moms labouring to get the perfect Shirley Temple curls, the rage of the time.

These are stories that remain evergreen in their minds—even as they struggle to remember whether they took their post-lunch pill or transferred the wet wash to the dryer.

Something delightful happens in the room when someone forgets a minor detail of the past. When Janice has trouble recalling the brand of butter that most families used back in the day, Virginia helps her out. That starts a discussion on butter churns, which leads to how they washed clothes using an old-fashioned wringer and the smell of sunshine on sheets. Each one helps connect the dots and feel connected to a world they all inhabited, which helps them connect to each other. These connections travel well beyond story time in the group.

For someone like me, a stranger to their culture and their world, it has been like living and breathing history. Now I know concentration camp and World war survivors; I know men who fought in these wars; I know women who raised police officers and fire-fighters. As 12 to 15 people become inspiring, heroic characters in their retellings, I watch history come alive.

It is a rich emotional experience, this sharing of stories. As they tell me tales of jukeboxes and ice cream fountains, I share stories of growing up in India, of customs and rituals that shaped my life, of rural and urban life that harmonise the reality of the haves and have-nots.

How sharing tales help?

This time of shared life stories has multiple benefits that go far beyond the pleasure of community and connection.

Transmit life lessons to the younger generations

80 plus years of living brings with it rich life lessons. Although the world of these seniors was significantly different from the one we inhabit, the themes and threads that run through life are always the same: the desire for happiness, a meaningful vocation, more connected relationships and less stress. Having travelled the path, elders have much wisdom to share on how to navigate life’s rocky terrain.

Mental health benefits

Storytelling is known to improve memory function in seniors. Recall, narration and connecting the dots strengthen areas of the brain which may otherwise atrophy. Added to this is the benefit of emotional nurturing as seniors feel a sense of belonging, coming from a world of challenges and pleasures they all shared.

Social and emotional connections

When seniors move into the community, they often feel displaced from homes and neighbourhoods they have known and loved. My group is a safe way for them to ease the loneliness of the transition as they find and form new friendships with others who are in similar shoes.

Connection to a common world

At a time when they can barely remember where they placed their walker or how to get to a certain room to attend a programme, sharing stories of a world they remember helps them feel rooted. It was a time when they had real roles in life as mothers, wives, teachers and nurses and it strengthens them to be reminded of a purposeful existence.

The opportunity for a life review

In reviewing their lives from today’s perspective, many have had the opportunity to understand mistakes made and choices that led them down roads they may not have chosen to travel. It is a fresh opportunity to revisit some unpleasant stories and give them pleasant endings. Beginnings and endings define the chapter of life. As we sit around a table and tell stories, we have the opportunity to create new beginnings and better endings.

Growing old can be awfully lonely. Storytelling helps seniors know that their life matters and gives you time to spend with your loved ones. These last days will not come again. So by reliving old tales and memories, you can make sure that the seniors don’t waste them by worrying.

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The business of being married is based on—supporting each other, being best friends, meeting each other’s needs, enjoying each other by being romantic and passionate, managing conflict, running a household, bringing up children, paying a mortgage and much more.

What you need is a strategy

If we look at the model of running a business, different people would have different roles, and more importantly, there would be a strategy. A good business runs smoothly, just like a good marriage does, on one condition: Everyone knows exactly what their roles are and happily fulfils their duties. These duties are based on a strategy.

The strategy doesn’t have to be complicated. Your strategy may include: Let’s talk every day [for at least 30 minutes] without distractions. Let’s reconnect once a week on an intimate date night, where we dress to impress, take the night off from cooking, and devote the night to enjoying each other. And let’s make passion a priority, so let’s go to bed early, more often, and make time to make love!

What is not working?

And of course, like a business, people don’t function well in their roles if there is tension. So we need to work out what causes the tension in a marriage—what is not working? So, let’s make time for serious discussions [meetings], and let’s have simple rules about these discussions. Let’s meet, let’s talk, let’s really listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and most importantly, let’s both get what we want and need from this relationship.

I heard this quote years ago: “Angel at work and devil at home”. When at work, are you being kind and considerate to workmates, giving out compliments and smiling all day? That’s great… as long as you keep up the charm when you get home. Or are you too tired to be nice or listen to your partner when you get home? Do you sit on the couch, grab the remote control, and ignore your partner? So what do you think happens when you want to be intimate? Well, I can imagine how this turns out? After 11 years of talking with married women, I have a theory about what I consider to be the biggest leg crosser in women. It is resentment! Resentful women are not enthusiastic lovers.

Let’s make time for serious discussions, and let’s have simple rules about these discussions

Resentments dissolve intimacy

What causes resentment in marriage? A lot of things: Unresolved anger [usually from ineffective arguing], living together but not connecting, not making time for each other, and couples who attempt to control the other, and not allow them personal freedom. A couple who respect each other, support each other, allow the other to have independence, and argue well [even often], very seldom end up with resentment.

Most couples who are experiencing marriage issues need a better argument strategy. So don’t be scared to argue, as arguing is a perfectly normal part of marriage. Simply ensure that arguments are resolved, issues are not swept under the carpet, and you avoid ‘sleeping on an argument’ or in separate beds. Yelling, name calling and long silent treatments must be avoided. Instead, own your feelings, and argue from an ‘I’ standpoint, without accusations. For example, instead of saying: ‘You lazy, good for nothing, slob! You never help me around the house, or with the kids!’ You may wish to say: ‘I feel really overwhelmed today, and I’d really love just a few minutes help. It takes time to change the way we interact, but it’s only a habit, and a habit can be changed in as little as 21 days.

So here are six tips for running your marriage as you would run a business:

1]  Use a strategy

Ensure that your daily routine includes quality ‘talk time’ with your partner, and your weekly routine includes date nights, time for passion, and family time each day, and on the weekends.

2] Have designated roles

To avoid confusion and frustration, ensure everyone has a role, and adheres to it. For example, you may be the cook in the household, your child may take the rubbish out, and your partner may help with the dishes. If these roles are well defined, tension will be reduced, creating a more peaceful household.

3] Effective communication of needs

If both parties are communicating their needs using ‘I’ statements, thus being assertive instead of aggressive, the home will be a happier place. For example, if one partner does not pursue their hobbies, they may feel restricted and oppressed, which could lead to a depressed state. In an ideal marriage, each partners’ needs are met in the relationship and in life. It’s vital that these needs are communicated!

4] Treat one another with respect

Just as you treat your workmates with respect and kindness, get into the habit of listening, caring and being considerate with your family members. Neither of you should ever swear, belittle, or raise your voice at the other.

5] Have regular meetings

To reduce the chances of resentment, communication must be efficient. If you need to discuss anything, particularly about needs that are not met, hurt feelings, anger and so on, schedule a meeting. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place, with no disruptions such as television or computers. Feel free to have a glass of water, a pen and paper, and take turns in speaking and listening.

6]  Conflict management

If either of you become angry, ensure you calm down first, before speaking. Schedule a meeting for later that day or night, and talk in a professional manner, using ‘I’ statements and avoid the blame game by using ‘you’ statements—stay focussed on your own needs, not your partner’s shortcomings.

Don’t become emotionally bankrupt. Use a strategy to ‘run your marriage’, stay on track and be happy.

The post Want your marriage to be happy and successful? Run it like a business! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ensuring that we know and use the correct body language not only places us in a position of power but also ensures that our colleagues, clients and competition interpret our behaviour correctly.

Sometimes you may verbally say nothing and yet your body language and posture shout another message. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.”

In fact, 93 per cent of a first impression is non-verbal, yet companies put very little emphasis on learning this one important fact.

Reading Someone’s Body Language

There are a number of positions every strong-minded, driven businessman/woman should know. I have broken it down into a simple method for understanding other people’s body language and from there we can perfect our own.

The first question you need to ask yourself when observing another person’s body position is: “Is this person’s body language open or closed?”

This helps you understand immediately if the person is in a positive or a negative mental state. Closed indicates that the person is in a negative mental state; this could indicate that they are sad, insecure, bored, annoyed, not listening etc. A closed body position is when the individual holds himself/herself or crosses arms, legs or objects particularly across the body or chest.

Sometimes you may verbally say nothing and yet your body language and posture shout another message

Whereas an open position indicates that the individual is either relatively confident or comfortable. Alternatively if they are ‘puffing up’, making themselves as big as possible then one may assume that they could be preparing for a fight. The ‘open’ person does not cross their arms, legs or use objects to cover their body. There is simply an uninterrupted line of sight between you and any part on the front of the other person’s body.

Just by being able to ask yourself the question—open or closed?—you can immediately understand almost 50 per cent of their emotional state—that being negative or positive.

Now considering you can read the very basics of how someone feels, it is important to turn the focus to yourself and ensure that you are conveying the correct message.

Below is a list of positive and negative positions and whether they are acceptable in specific situations.

Body Language Specifics: When to Use and When to Avoid

Pointing Directly at Someone

Interpretation—People feel scrutinised, threatened and defensive. If used to reprimand someone, it causes the brain to flood with cortisol, the stress hormone, causing that person’s thinking capabilities to shut down completely

• Correct time to use: when motivating someone directly, telling him/her that they can achieve something
• Incorrect time to use: when calling, reprimanding or talking to someone

Forefinger to Thumb

When gesturing at someone, you may press your forefinger to your thumb with your other fingers extended; with this you will project an authoritative but not aggressive air.

Interpretation—Non-threatening, Authoritative

• Correct time to use: when gesturing towards someone

Fidgeting With Hands, Pen or Object

Interpretation—Nervous, Uncertain

• Correct time to use: never!
• Incorrect time to use: during meetings, negotiations, social events

Steeple Hand Gesture

Interpretation—Authority, Power

• Correct time to use: show authority and power in meeting, negotiation or conference.

Holding Hands in Front of You

Interpretation—Protecting yourself, feeling slightly nervous; Uncomfortable

• Correct time to use: non-threatening situations where assuming a more submissive role may be more beneficial
• Incorrect time to use: when you are expected to stand out and express power and dominance

Holding Hands Behind Your Back

Interpretation—Air of confidence, Superiority

• Correct time to use: when you feel like you need to take the upper hand in a conversation
• Incorrect time to use: when in a social setting and/or attempting to create relationships with potential clients or referrals

Tucking Thumbs Into Pockets

Interpretation—Aggression

• Correct time to use: when in a potentially threatening situation
• Incorrect time to use: when standing casually in conversation with people or when standing on your own

Hands On Hips

This is an extremely powerful and domineering position and therefore should be used sparingly to assert authority and dominance

Interpretation—Extreme power, Dominant

• Correct time to use: expressing your authority and power in a group of people
• Incorrect time to use: when trying to make someone feel comfortable

Crossed Legs/Ankles [Men]

[Seated Position]

Interpretation—Uncertain, Nervous, Protecting yourself

• Correct time to use: when attempting to come across as a guarded, calculated individual
• Incorrect time to use: when trying to assert authority or dominance

Feet Hip-Width Apart On the Ground [Men]

Interpretation—Solid, Grounded, Comfortable, Confident, Open

• Correct time to use: meetings, casual conversation

Crossed Arms

This is a naturally defensive position that we often, assume yet it is one of the most negative positions to stand in.

Interpretation—Uncomfortable, Insecure, Disinterested, Angry, Not listening, Bored, Defensive, Irritated

• Correct time to use: displaying your disagreement in a negotiation
• Incorrect time to use: when socialising or standing in a group of colleagues, meeting people, talking to new people, when feeling nervous

Arms Hanging Loosely At Your Side

[with legs shoulder width apart]

Interpretation—Authoritative, Confident, Powerful, At ease

• Correct time to use: when standing in a professional setting, waiting to meet a powerful person
• Incorrect time to use: when you need to show your dissatisfaction with something

Be in Complete Control

The examples in this article represent a small sample of what body language can be used to infer. Investing time and focus in learning the correct body positioning can significantly improve your professional appearance and the way in which people perceive you. It allows you to understand the emotional state of other people and, in turn, how to approach them accordingly.  People often believe that we are victims of other people’s judgements when in fact we are the masters of their judgement. Learning the appropriate body language can help you ensure that you maintain complete control, authority and a professional appearance at all times.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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