Two years ago, when Kyra learnt that her parents were getting divorced, her world came shattering down. She was confused, scared, lost and even angry. She loved both her parents, and the thought of not being a family any more was too difficult to digest. She withdrew into a shell, started clinging to both her parents, and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

Luckily, both Neil and Kruti, Kyra’s parents, were able to see what was happening to her. They made an attempt to put their differences aside for the sake of their daughter and, while reconciliation was out of question, they worked together to create a cohesive parenting structure for Kyra. It was difficult for sure, with emotional, financial, and logistical hurdles to overcome. But despite their differences, they were unified in their desire to do their best for their child, and their efforts at harmonious co-parenting soon started paying rich dividends. Kyra relaxed, slowly became herself again, and over a period of time, came to terms with the fact that her parents were not together. Because she had access to both of them and because she did not have to navigate emotional minefields between her parents, she settled down into her new routine and arrangement.

What is co-parenting

Separation and divorce have become a glaring reality in the fabric of human relationships, and more often than not, children become a scapegoat. As the marriage breakdowns, partners spew venom at each other, with little vulnerable eyes watching and absorbing, and getting scorched in the process. The realisation that their conflict and separation could impact their children negatively has led many couples to cast aside their differences and think how best they can work together to raise their children. This is what co-parenting is all about.

Conventionally, the word parenting implies both mother and father playing a role in child-rearing. The very word conjures up images of a happy child, along with two happy, smiling faces, creating a glow of warmth and love. However, as human relationships tear down the curtains of convention and explore new bastions of connecting and bonding, parenting could imply: single parenting, same sex parenting, long distance parenting, foster parenting, and so on. Hence, the need for the term “co-parenting”.

When should a couple consider co-parenting

When a marital relationship breaks down to the point of no return, when partners decide to go their separate ways, decisions around child rearing become crucial. Gone are the days when couples believed in burying their differences for the sake of the children. Individual happiness is an important goal for every person, as indeed it should be! Further, now research has established that living in a conflicted home environment is far more traumatic for children than the divorce of their parents. What is important is for parents to consistently offer security, stability, love and reassurance to their children—whether they are living together or apart.

So, if as a couple you have decided to part ways, yet be connected as parents for the sake of your children, co-parenting could be the best option for you and your children. Co-parenting means continuing to play your role as a parent even though the marriage has fallen apart, and taking joint decisions on all important matters.

Guide to help you make a win-win co-parenting plan

Here are a few things both parents need to consider when deciding to co-parent their child.

1. Keep the child’s well-being as the goal

Of course, there are differences between the two of you, many of them intense and irrevocable—which is why you have decided to end the marriage. Yet, when you sit down to make arrangements regarding parenting your child, you will need to work through your own differences. This is not about one-upmanship, or about proving who is the better parent. It is about providing the best possible arrangement for your child. As a parent, it can, at times, be hard to take yourself out of the equation, but it is worth the effort to do so. Every time you get stuck on a point, ask yourself, what would be best for the child in these circumstances, and the answer would readily come to you.

2. Rebuild communication

Usually, by the time a couple heads toward divorce, there is a complete communication breakdown between the partners. For the sake of the child, you will have to cross over barriers. Get talking about what is important for the child. Share your views clearly and logically, without hurling accusations at each other. It will be easier if you keep your discussions focussed on matters related to the child only.

3. Respect each other’s views

You may no longer get along with each other, but you share a history, and most importantly, you have created a child or children between the two of you. As such, respect the other’s feelings and opinions regarding the child and child rearing. Navigate differences respectfully.

4. Focus on the key issues

Splitting hair over trivial matters will get you nowhere. Decide on what are the main issues for you. You have a choice to climb this mountain together, or keep haggling over every little speed breaker; make the right choice!

Common mistakes while co-parenting

It is also important to make sure you don’t engage in any actions, words or behaviours that could hijack your co-parenting plan. Mentioned below are a few definite things that you would do well to restrain from:

1. Using the child to get back at your spouse

This little human being is not a device to be used to take revenge, insult, or humiliate your spouse. If your anger and resentment is so huge, find other ways to work through these feelings; but leave the child out of it. This not only further erodes your relationship with your partner as a co-parent, it also causes lasting damage to the child’s sense of self.

2. Burdening the child with your issues

While it is advisable to be transparent with the child about the divorce and maybe even reasons for the divorce, do not make the child your emotional crutch. Remember, s/he is still a child and you are the adult. Don’t keep plying your emotions on the child, and especially don’t bad-mouth the spouse in front of the child.

3. Give up on creating guilt

The child has a right to love both parents, despite what is happening between the two of you. Never make the child take sides, or make the child feel guilty about loving, missing or wanting the other parent. Making your child feel guilty about caring for the other parent will leave a deep and lasting impact on the child, so do your best to avoid it.

At times, the relationship between the partners can be so bitter, that it may require a mediator to create a co-parenting plan. A mediator could be a lawyer, a couple’s counsellor, a respected adult in the family, a common friend whom both parents trust or a senior community member.

Decide on these crucial issues of co-parenting

With or without a mediator, make sure you and your spouse come to an agreement regarding the following key matters:

1. Living arrangements

This is usually the first and the biggest hurdle, and a big bone of contention between parents. This is more than simply a matter of custody. Keep the child’s age, gender, his or her comfort level with each parent, schedules of each parent, childcare options and other details in mind before you arrive at living arrangements that are best suited for the child’s well-being.

Of course, you both want the child with you, but your child is a living and breathing person; keep his or her needs in mind and arrive at these decisions. Many parents of late agree to very flexible living arrangements, where the child has free access to both homes and can stay wherever they want, whenever they want. This is possible if both parents continue to live in the same vicinity and with easy access to the child’s school. If not, usually one parent takes responsibility for the week, and weekends are split between the parents. Go by what would work best for your family without creating resentment for either of you or for the child.

2. Education

Major educational decisions need to be taken jointly, and it is easier if you have kept communication channels open. Keep each other updated about picnics, exams, half days and holidays, daily school schedule, and pickup-and-drop arrangements. It’s important to inform the school about the change in status too.

3. Health

This not only involves major health issues, but also everyday matters, such as nutrition, food habits, eating schedules, sleep schedules, health check-ups, vaccines and so forth.

4. Finances

As part of your divorce settlement, you would undoubtedly discuss the finances. Take the child’s long-term financial requirements also into account.

5. Involvement of extended family

If grandparents, uncles and aunts have been closely involved in child-rearing, you will also need to discuss about their continued role in the child’s life. Ideally, it is best to allow all people who are close to the child to continue to remain in the child’s life; it goes a long way in creating a sense of stability for the child at a time when his or her very foundation is being shaken by the divorce. However, it is important to have these significant others on the same page with respect to maintaining mutual respect and not taking sides in front of the child. If a family member is unable or unwilling to remain neutral or supportive about the situation, the child may require some time off from such a family member.

4 key advantages of successful co-parenting

When you co-parent successfully, your child will benefit in many ways. Here are a few significant ways:

1. Healthy self-esteem

You preserve the child’s self-esteem, which can get seriously challenged during parental conflict, separation or divorce.

2. Modeling relationships

Seeing parents being a parenting unit despite their differences goes a long way in giving children insights into how adult relationships work and how, despite differences, couples can work toward mutual goals. You also become examples of good communication and mutual respect.

3. Sense of security

Children grow up feeling secure and stable because they know both parents are available to them at any point in time, and they don’t have to feel guilty about accessing either parent.

4. Emotional wellbeing

Children who are co-parented positively show fewer psychological or emotional problems.

A Word of Caution

For all your planning, scheduling and negotiating, remember that parenting is dynamic and unpredictable at the best of times, and a roller-coaster ride at the worst of times. Hence, being flexible is key.

You may decide on things which you realise don’t work for the child down the line, and being able to course correct is important. How you navigate the twists and turns on this adventurous joy-ride called parenting will decide how successfully you are able to co-parent your children.

Your efforts at co-parenting will go a long way in helping your child grow up into a well-adjusted adult.

The post The right way of co-parenting your kids after divorce appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Do you rush to rescue your child?

Some parents personalise their child’s failures. When we over identify with our child, we feel all of their experiences as if they were our own. This is not only unhealthy for us, but it is unhealthy for our children. Our children have their own strengths and weaknesses. Their struggles are not our struggles. We are only there to support our children along the way. When parents feel the bumps of their children’s lives too deeply, they will do anything to rescue their child from hurt, pain or failure. They are quick to rush to the school to argue a low grade. They are at the sidelines, yelling at the referee during a sporting event. They are up late at night finishing their child’s school project because their child didn’t manage their time well.

When we rescue our children, we steal from them an important life experience—failure. We create a false sense of success. When these children grow up they are ill-equipped at handling failure because they never had to experience it as a child. Instead of rescuing our children, we inadvertently set them up for long-term struggle. As parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to move past failure and disappointment. We can give them the tools to not only get through failure, but to thrive past it.

We can do that by conveying these messages to our children:

Everyone fails

Let your child know that everyone fails. That failing is a part of life. Tell them that they didn’t come out of the womb walking. They had to fall hundreds of times before their body learned the art of walking. Tell them that some of our greatest minds failed. Albert Einstein didn’t learn to read until he was seven years old. Thomas Edison’s light bulb invention failed 1,000 times before he was successful.

Share with your child some of your own failures. Letting your child know that you are fallible will help them see that failure is normal and that it happens to everyone.

Failure is part of success

Without failure none of us would ever experience success. When we fail, we are given the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and do it better. Help your child explore what they have learned from their failure. How would they do it better next time? Try to be motivating and not overly critical. Most children are already feeling pretty bad about themselves when they experience failure. You berating them won’t make them do better next time. For instance if your child did poorly on an exam you may say, “You didn’t study. You deserve that grade because you didn’t put in any effort.” While this may be true it isn’t going to inspire your child to do better next time. Instead, re-frame the failure by saying something like, “When you study you do well. You are intelligent and I love how you learn things so quickly. Next time, I know if you work harder on your subjects, you’ll do great on the exam.”

Failure is part of the process

Failure is often part of the process. Thomas Edison wouldn’t have been able to develop the light bulb if he hadn’t failed a thousand times. It was in those failures that he was given the clues on how to continually improve his project and eventually make one of the most important inventions of our time. Ask your child if they can think of a time their failure made them improve. Did they get better at a sport after practising? Did they learn how to balance on a bike after falling? Help your child make these connections.

It is your effort that matters

Focus on praising your child’s effort. If one child studied for five hours and got a low grade on an exam and the other didn’t study at all and got a perfect score, which child deserves more praise? When you only focus on results and not on the process, your child can get the wrong message. You want to foster hard work and praise effort, even if the end result is less than perfect.

As parents we understand failure well. Parenthood can be a struggle and most of us have felt failure at some point during the journey. If we can help our children see failure as a learning opportunity, we will be teaching them one of the greatest life lessons.

The post Have you taught your child the importance of failing? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“How are we raising our children? Are we raising them for now instead of yet? Are we raising kids who are obsessed with getting As? Are we raising kids who don’t know how to dream big dreams? Their biggest goal is getting the next A, or the next test score? And are they carrying this need for constant validation with them into their future lives?” — These hard hitting questions are posed by Dweck to make us think about how we may be unknowingly hurting our children’s prospects.

“Just the words ‘yet’ or ‘not yet,’ we’re finding, give kids greater confidence, give them a path into the future that creates greater persistence. And we can actually change students’ mindsets,” she says.

About the speaker

Carol Dweck is a pioneering researcher in the field of motivation, why people succeed (or don’t) and how to foster success.

The post Have you discovered the power of “yet”? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are three critical factors that shape a child’s health

1. Nutrition
2. Activity levels
3. Sleep

How could something as simple as watching TV or browsing on a  tablet or phone interfere with these, you ask. Let’s find out…

Nutrition

Nutrition is about eating healthy food and eating in the right proportion. Children are intuitive eaters; they tend to be more in touch with their body and hunger cues as compared to adults. However, they lose the ability to know how much they should eat when they are distracted by devices or when their plate is filled with processed food.

There was a time when parents or grandparents used to carry the child and tell them stories while feeding them. Today’s harsh reality is that we see parents feeding their children while the latter have their eyes glued to some screen. In order to ensure that their children eat faster and with minimum fuss, parents allow them to watch cartoons or play games on these devices. As children don’t realise what and how much they eat, they are more likely to have digestive and metabolic problems by their early teens.

With the food industry targeting parents and children with their well-planned advertising campaigns, consuming foods marketed by them as healthful is very common. Further, with celebrities endorsing such products, children love to consume them. Parents prefer to fill their children’s lunch/snack box with the latest products launched in the market as it is easier and less time consuming [and promoted as healthy] as compared to traditional homemade snacks.

Most of these products contain hydrogenated fat [the type that clogs the arteries], artificial flavours and colours, thickening agents and preservatives. These are known carcinogens and harmful to the body’s metabolism and are linked to issues such as ADHD, Autism, and depression. They also contain other toxic chemicals, MSG [mono sodium glutamate] and high amounts of sugar and salt, added to increase the shelf life and taste of the product.

Dr. David Kessler in his book, ‘The End of Overeating’ says that consuming foods with high amounts of sugar and salt causes a change in the taste buds and brain’s chemistry.

Subsequently, naturally sweet /normal home food will not please the tongue. This explains why children who are exposed to such junk food want to snack only on those, and never try real fruits, vegetables or fresh homemade food.

What you should do

In order to ensure that your children eat right, be the role model. When parents start eating healthy and fresh food, it will inspire and motivate the younger ones to try those. Involve the younger ones in grocery shopping , cooking and avoid bribing them with gadgets or food.

Activity Levels

It is recommended that up to the age of 21, we should have physical activity of 60-90 minutes per day. With the ever-increasing pressure of study load and performance, children don’t get enough time to play outdoors. Playtime now means sitting in one place playing video games, watching videos or using social networking sites. As their device usage increases, their physical activity, social interaction, and attention span reduces.

Little do we realise the effect of devices on their brain and behaviour. Several studies have already pointed out that there is a delay in cognitive development in children who are exposed to too much electronic media. Additionally, since their skull is not as hard as that of adults, the radiations from mobile/tablet/gadgets can easily penetrate their skull and cause damages in their brain.

What you should do

Give them your attention and not a gadget. Encourage your children to play real games; keep video games away. This will not only improve their fitness, immunity, attention span and social skills, but will also ensure their brain develops faster.

Sleep

Both the issues detailed above create a third issue. The chemicals and sugar in the junk food keeps the brain excited and lack of physical activity compounds it by not making the body tired enough to sleep. As a result, children don’t sleep on time, which disrupts theirsleep cycle. Parents again give children gadgets or turn on the television to calm them down. This only does the opposite.

The light emitted by these devices are largely from blue light spectrum, which is outside human visibility spectrum. The blue light prevents the pineal gland from secreting the sleep hormone melatonin, and interferes with the circadian rhythm and sleep cycle. Good quality sleep is a non-negotiable factor for immunity and physical and cognitive growth in children.

What you should do

Create a healthy sleep routine and stick to it. Avoid gadgets an hour before bed time and move the television from the bedroom to another room. Use this time to connect with family. Either coach your child to sleep by themselves or sing lullabies and read stories to them to make them sleep.

Final words

As parents earn more, and spend less time with the children, they compensate it with things like processed food, gadgets, and other indoor game consoles. Though these things keep children engaged, we often forget their real need and the negative effects of these conveniences.

One of the best ways to show care and love to your children is to make fresh homemade food and spend quality time with them. This will improve their immunity, metabolism and mental health which will equip them to be fit and sound for a whole life.

The post Too much screen time is bad for your child’s wellbeing appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

So many parents push and goad their children to study hard and score as high as possible in their exams. This behaviour stems from the all-pervasive belief that academic performance guarantees a successful career—a belief that leads many parents to want their children to be the next ‘Albert Einstein’. What they probably don’t know is that Einstein himself was a rebel and didn’t follow any of his parents’ plans for him.

Einstein had a deep distaste for enforced learning, and was known to skip many of his college lectures. He often felt that formal education interfered with his natural desire to learn and explore. Indeed, the genius was severely critical of the exam-based education system and once even remarked, “It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry, for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom; without this it goes to wrack and ruin without fail. It is a grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed

Einstein wasn’t alone in his views about learning. The great physicist Galileo said, “You cannot teach anybody anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves.” And Bertrand Russell, the Nobel Prize winning British philosopher, said, “Children who are forced to eat acquire a loathing for food and children who are forced to learn acquire a loathing for knowledge”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed. By doing so, they may succeed in making their child score high, but at the cost of true learning. It’s worthwhile to remember that Einstein’s monolithic contributions to science were not the result of his gruelling academic pursuit but his intrinsic love for science. The key word here is ‘love’.

As parents, your best efforts are in helping your children discover what they love doing—with patience and encouragement. If you take a leaf from nature, you’ll provide your children with what they need—and then sit back to watch them grow into the best version of themselves.

The post Let your children grow into the best version of themselves appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How do children know they are loved? Infants may not know the esoteric underpinnings, but if their survival needs are met, their sense of security is strong, which helps them thrive as they develop. As toddlers, children implicitly trust their parents, relying on them for comfort and safety, testing their newfound independence and yet revelling in the bonds of affection. Preschool through teenage years, children grow so rapidly that love is the one constant factor that can support and sustain their explosion of development. Every child knows love instinctively and can recognise its many manifestations.

Why say “I love you”?

Parents may wonder, Why tell my children that I love them? Don’t they know it already? Isn’t it understood? What is the point of saying it every day? The simple answer is Why not? However, delving deeper into the Why of it, there are at least five good reasons:

Trust

As children grow, they need someone to trust, someone to turn to for guidance, someone who won’t criticise or ridicule them. When you tell your kids you love them, they know that they can trust you implicitly. They realise that no matter what, their parents believe in them and have their best interests at heart, and will not abandon them. This provides a safety net as they navigate the complexities of this world.

Courage

A strong foundation helps children take risks and venture out into the world to be their best. And courage is at the root of it all. When we love our children with no strings attached, we also give them courage to make mistakes, and fail but still find the strength to try again because they become fearless when enveloped in love.

Confidence

As a rite of passage, teenagers struggle with questions of likeability. Is their worth tied to their looks? Their accomplishments? Or their uniqueness? Should they try to please their peers in order to be likeable? Are they valuable human beings simply for who they are and the values they hold high and live by? While love may not cast out self-doubt entirely, it instils confidence and self-reliance that can carry a child through these difficult periods of development.

Reciprocation

In a world driven by an attitude of ‘What can others do for me’, love encourages the ‘What can I do for you’ attitude. A child who has received unconditional love learns to reciprocate in kind.

Communication

Mutual love lets us speak our minds with no fear of judgement or consequences. A child who feels loved also learns to communicate with due respect. And communication is the key to any successful relationship.

More than mere words

On the other hand, just mechanically saying the words, “I love you” does not accomplish much. And potentially, those words may not mean much to a child who hears it too often and therefore ceases to pay attention to it.

Rather than focussing on just saying the words, it is important to communicate in a way that is meaningful to the child. The expression of love that deeply connects a parent with their child is unique to their relationship. One child revels in physical affirmations like hugs, cuddles and kisses; another might prefer quality time playing games or completing a project together. While one child feels overwhelming love via special actions that parents do for them, like taking them to a favourite park or cooking a favourite meal, another might blossom under repeated words of affection—not idle praise, but true words of appreciation and acknowledgement.

The best way to convey the “I love you” message to your child is to know which of these several ways of expressions resonates with them the most. Ask them who loves them, and why they think so. This will give an insight into what form of interchange the child responds to when it comes to love. The language of love translates to the intangible bond of affection that the child recognises and appreciates. Once your child becomes aware of the various things you are doing to show your love, s/he will start to feel it and delight in it.

Some ways you can convey your love

• Pack your child’s favourite lunch as a surprise and add a little note or a poem in the lunch bag
• Put away all electronic devices and other distractions and focus on having a conversation with your child about their school day
• Cuddle on the sofa and read their favourite book
• Go to a cricket match or concert to enjoy an afternoon together while you accumulate memories
• Offer words of acknowledgement and appreciation with no conditions attached.

Learning to speak the language of love that your child understands is a skill that is essential for establishing a positive relationship that flourishes over time.

It is especially difficult to communicate your love when your child is misbehaving or attracting negative attention. By separating the behaviour from the fact that your child has your unconditional love, it is easier to set the expectations for appropriate behaviour.

Even if the no-frills verbal “I love you” does not feel natural or easy for you, it is still worth the effort to identify when such an expression of love is best received, and in what mode and manner. With practice, we can get over our own discomfort and arrive at the most comfortable way to express our love. By declaring each and every day that we love our children, we keep the attachment strong and, at the same time, reassure and nurture our children to flex their wings and fly.

The post How to make your children know that they are loved appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It took every ounce of mental prowess that I could muster to stop myself from running towards him. As any parent would be, I too was torn; after all, he was my son. And I was a duty-bound father who had sworn to protect him at any cost. But I didn’t move. Part of it was instinct and the curiosity to see how far he would go. Another part of it was the fact that I wanted to prove my wife wrong. You see, she always believed that I was a helicopter parent and that unless I let our son do certain things on his own, he would never learn. And while I vehemently voiced my displeasure at being boxed with such a tag, I knew it was true to some extent.

But little did I know, that in my endeavour to show her that I could let go, my toddler would end up teaching me some important life lessons as he went about his playground adventures. Over the past two years, every time that I’ve accompanied my son to the playground, I’ve had the opportunity to see some of life’s greatest lessons being inadvertently demonstrated by these little ones.

Today, I’d like to share a few of them with you.

1. Friendships are simple, uncomplicated and come in all shapes and sizes

My son was all of 18 months when the above incident happened. Up until that point, he’d been to the playground a few times, but we were his only friends. This would have been the first time that we had let him venture into the sandbox without us for company. I was petrified. Most of the kids were elder and larger than him, and seemed to be oblivious to his presence. But he surprised me. He nonchalantly strode into the sandbox and, within seconds, had started a conversation [in toddler speak] with another toddler of the same age. All it took was a smile.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step. Why not just break the ice with a smile and a hello, like he did? Simple, isn’t it?

2. Failure is not defeat

Have you ever seen a kid give up? If I’m honest, I have lost count of the number of times my son has been unsuccessful in climbing the jungle gym or pulling himself up the monkey bar on the playground. In fact, I’ve often felt my heart beat like a set of percussion drums when watching him jump from one bar to another and land face first on the sand. But he dusts himself up and tries again. And again. And yet again. With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option. With us adults, all it takes it one failure to make us feel low.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step

3. Fight, forgive, forget. Repeat

Ever think that arguments and fights are adult-only territories? In fact, I see kids fight a lot more with each other than adults probably would. But there’s a big difference. As adults, we tend to take a more “cold war” like approach to it. Kids on the other hand are brutally honest and tend to talk it out a lot more easily than we adults seem to do. I’ve found even my three year old embroiled in a “war of tantrums” with similar aged kids. But minutes later, once all the crying is done, they are back to being friends. The ease with which they forgive, forget and move on is nothing short of a miracle, and we adults could definitely take a leaf out of their book.

4. Dirt is good. Literally

I often spot my son and his merry band of other three-foot-tall toddlers, fervently digging in the strangest of places—from the sandbox to the bushes that surround the playground. While I’m not entirely sure what they’re searching for, they seem to enjoy getting their hands dirty. And often it leads to the most unexpected discoveries. The other day they found a limited edition Hot Wheels car; one that had not been manufactured for almost half a decade. Needless to say, they were very excited and there was some pushing and shoving, with each wanting to keep it. [But hey, that’s where point three comes handy.]

Of course, the lesson for us adults isn’t to literally go dig in the mud; the essence is not to be hesitant to get our hands dirty and to try something new. We are often so set in our ways and hate to move out of our comfort zones that we rarely risk trying something new. Who knows, you might find an alternate career, much like I did.

With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option

5. Of sharing, patience and turns

I’ll admit it. I’m a rather selfish person at times. In fact, there are even times when I refuse to share food with my wife. But, if you ever spend a few minutes observing some of these toddelrs at the playground, they can put you to shame. Yes, they have their moments of “This is mine!”, but largely they share their toys and play. All you need to do is ask nicely. Patience is another virtue that they all seem to pick up, while waiting for their turns to use the swings or climb up the ladder to the slides. Somehow, as adults, we seem to value these traits a lot less.

6. Anything can be useful; if you can imagine it to be

As an adult, you pick up that broken branch in your path and toss it away as waste. Kids pick it up and see possibilities. And an infinite number of them, at that.

A mound of dirt can be a castle and dew drops on the leaves can be jewels; the swings can be rockets that propel them to the skies while the broken branches of those trees could be swords.

What these toddlers, with their almost limitless creativity and imagination, teach us is that from time to time we must look outside the confines of the boundaries that we have boxed ourselves into. They teach us that there’s beauty in everything; you just need to clear your mind to see it.

But perhaps the most important life lesson that we could all learn from kids at the playground is that sometimes we just need to take things a little slow. In our bid to survive, save and secure a future for ourselves and our kids, we often forget to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of those little things.

And often, it is perfectly okay to fall flat on your face and ask for help when you get stuck.

But most of all, we need to realise that all of these little lessons will come handy when we’re tackling that large playground called life.

The post 6 life lessons I learned from my toddler appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thousands of kids skip school everyday due to the fear of bullying. Recent trends suggest that bullying has become more frequent and aggressive than before and is affecting younger children too. In addition, the viciousness of deeds increases with age.

What is bullying?

If your child is bullied, it means that one or more students are intentionally hurting her or him. Bullying can be verbal, physical, and emotional. The bullied child feels mentally tortured and pushed into a corner by his or her own peers. A few rogue school kids pick on their weaker fellows and frighten them into submission and all this is done for fun.

They might be getting bullied because of weight issues, the colour of their skin, being slow at sprints, lazy at math, an unusual speaking accent or family issues, which may be known in school. Bullying could also be in the form of rumours about the child, leaving him or her out of group activities or leading to breaking up their friendships, name-calling etc.

If not contained, the child can either go into a permanent shell or explode when the breaking point arrives.

Is my child being bullied?

If your child frequently comes up with excuses in the morning to avoid going to school, it could be due to fear of being bullied. Is your child coming home from school with mysterious cuts, bruises and scrapes? Is she losing her money, lunch box, pencils and other supplies? Do you notice any abnormal changes in your child’s behaviour? Any of these could indicate that your child might be fighting a silent and lonely battle with bullies.

What can a parent do?

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem. Most kids don’t tell adults that they’re being bullied, so the onus of getting to the bottom of it is on you.

Asking them the right questions is important. Instead of asking them why their shirt is dirty and torn, ask them if there’s something bothering them and if they’d like to confide? Be gentle and assure them of your love and protection, no matter what. If you suspect that your child is reticent about the matter with you, get a trusted adult to speak to them. Some children feel more comfortable confiding in someone who is not from the immediate family. Let them open up with somebody from the pool of people you know.

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem

Once you discover the issue, take it up with your child’s teachers. Be prepared for the possibility that teachers won’t know about it. Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished. That’s why, lashing out at teachers for not being aware is not advisable. Let them know that you wanted to bring to the administration’s attention what your child is facing. Let the teachers sort it at the school level, while you help your child at an emotional level.

If your child continues to behave differently even after your efforts, or if your instinct tells you that something is wrong, don’t think twice before seeking the help of a child psychologist.

Can I prepare my child to face bullies?

If children can be prepared for school exams and competitive sports, they can also be made ready to deal with peer harassment. Bullies thrive on the lack of retaliation by their victims. Your child can learn the right way to tackle bullying from experts who conduct sessions on the subject. Look out for these sessions in your city and sign up your child to attend them. If possible, accompany your child to the programme.

As an anti-bullying evangelist, I loved the Be a Star initiative taken by World Wrestling Entertainment where the WWE superstars have formed an anti-bullying alliance. They encourage children to stand up against bullying regardless of whether it happens to them or somebody else. Everyone who knows about the WWE will know how popular this show is among children. And this initiative has made a lot of children come out and raise their voice against bullying.

Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished

Can we put an end to the menace?

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised. So that the next time they see it happening at school, in the playgrounds, or at home, they are able to stop it right there—or report it to the concerned authority. Once enough awareness is created at home and school, and children are encouraged to speak up, bullying can end. On the other side of the equation, counselling the bullies about the consequences of their behaviour will go a long way in checking the problem.

As a drama-based therapist, I run anti-bullying programmes in various schools. Every school that I have visited reveals 4 – 5 cases of bullying on an average. A touching example came my way during one of the drama classes attended by children of standard five. In one of our drama-for-learning session, the students spoke about their experiences based on the emotions the activity triggered. While few of them shared their experiences, I saw a hand half up in the air. This was a boy who never spoke; he would just enjoy the drama activity.

Sharad [name changed], came up and started speaking. It was then that I realised that he stammered. He spoke about the excruciating pain he feels when his classmates and students of other classes tease him for his stammering trait. He cried. When he spoke, another boy raised his hand and came up to speak. Anuj [name changed] said how he was teased by his classmates for a skin condition called eczema. The bullies teased Sharad and Anuj because they were different in some way from others and therefore were not considered normal.

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised

Listening to their painful story brought tears to everyone else in the class—tears of realisation, of empathy, of love. This was a moment of catharsis.

In the next class, we spoke about ‘feelings’ associated with ‘being bullied’ and ‘bullying someone’. We exchanged views on how the victim can handle his emotions and not take the incident personally, so that it does not hamper his self-esteem. Surprisingly, the bullies of the class confessed to having bullied Anuj and Sharad. We then counselled them on the repercussions of bullying and the difference between occasional teasing vs. bullying.

Kids, at times do not realise that what they are doing could harm someone’s life. The child who is bullying is also having some unmet needs being fulfilled in an unnatural way. He, too, needs guidance and hand-holding.

A version of this article was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” goes a popular saying, though I think it’s applies equally to men as well. Few things get to a person’s soul more than the hurt, betrayal or ending of an intimate relationship. And few things are more damaging than the subsequent spin out and fury done in front of, or to, the children of the men and women scorned.

How bad-mouthing your spouse affects your kids

• Karen is 43 years old and still talks about the pain she went through when her parents divorced. Her father left her mother for another woman. For decades afterwards, Karen’s mother repeatedly told Karen what a cheater her father was. She made visitations a constant fight and she spent many years trying to turn Karen against her father. To say that Karen was put into a loyalty bind would be a gross understatement. She was not allowed to have any positive feelings for her father without her mother taking it as a personal affront to her. The divorce altered Karen’s life; the constant fighting between her parents damaged Karen’s wellbeing.
• Sally and Ken are divorced. During the marriage, Ken was emotionally abusive to Sally and their two children. After the divorce, Ken continues to be emotionally abusive. He tells the children how incompetent their mother is, he makes fun of her, he bullies his way into her home and dismisses Sally’s attempts to set limits. Sally’s children are growing to hate their father and learning to dismiss their mother.
• Mary struggled for years to save her marriage. When she was finally done and filed for divorce, Frank was shocked. He alternated between crying, saying he couldn’t live without her, and getting angry, making threats about how hard he would make this divorce. The entire divorce was rife with conflict. Frank would cry to the kids then angrily tell them that their mother “did this”. “She’s the one responsible for breaking up our family!” Their two kids wanted to love their mom and dad, but found it more and more difficult to be around dad. They cried when they had to see him. They begged to not go to his house, and over time, they just refused to go.

The consequences of trash-talking

Disrespecting your ex-partner hurts not only your children and your family, but also yourself. Listed below are just a few of the many repercussions of bad-mouthing your spouse—regardless of how bad a person you think s/he is.

• Carbon copies: Your children are made up of 50 per cent of your genes and 50 per cent of your ex’s genes. When you tell your children what a loser or cheat their mother/father is, they take that in. If you tell them that their parent is that terrible, then they think they must be too. Don’t put that on them.
• Loyalty bind: When you constantly bad-mouth the other parent, you put your children into a loyalty bind. They will feel as though they can’t love both of you without one of you being hurt. Not being able to love one parent because the other parent would be upset is a huge stressor for them.
• Boomerang effect: It is not your job to ‘show’ your children how awful their mother or father is—that’s unhealthy thinking. And it often has an uncanny way of backfiring. Children can get tired of constantly hearing how terrible their father or mother is and begin to hate the parent who’s doing the bad-mouthing—even if the other parent caused the original hurt to the family. Children are keenly insightful; they will see the true colours of both of you. Be sure you’re showing them the colours you want to be known for.
• Creating a template: Children live what they know, they know what they live. When they see two parents attacking one another verbally, emotionally and physically, they take that in as a template of the way to fight. They will internalise the idea that if they’re hurt, upset or mad at someone, they have the right to annihilate that person just as they see you doing to your ex-spouse. This behaviour will wreak havoc in their lives and relationships for years to come. Don’t set them up to internalise this dysfunctional template.
• From difficult to damaging: Divorce is difficult for children under the best of circumstances. However, when done with integrity they will be okay. When you go through divorce in a toxic and bitter way, you make a difficult situation a damaging one. Your children deserve much more from both parents.

The heartbreak and sadness of losing someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with can be intense, to say the least. Many, if not most, people who experience divorce go through moments of feeling these intense emotions and, of course, no one goes through the process of divorce perfectly. However, one of the roles of being a parent is to always keep the best interest of your children at the forefront of your mind and at the heart of your choices. As a parent, you don’t have the luxury of letting your anger get the best of you—even in the most difficult of times—and certainly not over and over again for years.

Rise to the occasion. If your ex will not allow that to happen, then have your home be a safe haven from the strife of a bitter, vengeful parent. It will be the greatest gift you could give yourself and your child. Take the high road. Be the parent you would like to have if you were a child in this situation. The biggest gift you can give your children is the gift of an amicable divorce.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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