A girl is born…

The new father then informs his mother about the baby girl, immediately following it up with, “What matters is that mother and child are both okay.” “Of course,” replies his mother in a consoling manner. She then says to the daughter-in-law’s mother who is squirming uncomfortably, “Goddess Laxmi has arrived in our family”. In saying these words, she emits an air of large-heartedness, and waits for an acknowledgement of the same. The daughter-in-law’s mother immediately obliges by saying, “That’s so kind of you, my daughter is lucky to be married in your family.”

She feels humiliated that she has to receive the grace of the son-in-law’s family. The new father, in a perplexed state, goes to share the news and distribute some sweets among his relatives and friends, putting up a brave front. As he is doing this he is thinking of the dowry of the girl child, and imagining that he is receiving pitiful looks from those who are congratulating him.

While all this is going on, the new-born baby is oblivious to the happenings around her, but gradually starts catching on with the vibes in the family.

it’s a girl, says the nurse to the nervous father with a weak smile, looking almost apologetic

Class, caste and creed no bar

This attitude towards the girl child is prevalent in the rich and the poor alike, sometimes blatant and at other times, subtle. Of course there are exceptions, but they are very, very few. And the worst part is that this biased attitude and inequality comes from the parents, whose flesh and blood she is and to whom she looks for unconditional love and acceptance. The mother is upset that she cannot have the pride of having provided the family heir to her husband. It is a son that she craves, to feel empowered in the family.

XX and XY

Just one chromosome, and the baby’s entire destiny is changed forever. So, who is this person with a set of ‘X’ and ‘X’ chromosomes? She is as much a person, as the person with a set of ‘X’ and ‘Y’ chromosomes. But, for those around her, that is not so.

Jyotsna, a 44-year-old married woman, was deeply depressed when she was brought to me, and said that she just did not want to live anymore. She said that as far back as she could remember, she had always felt that she was unwanted and not accepted for the person that she was. She said the following words in an anguished voice :

“For the mother, the daughter brings tension while the son brings pride. For the father, the daughter is a burden while the son is a support. For the brother, the sister is someone who undeservedly partakes of the family wealth. For the husband, the wife is someone with whom he can do as he pleases. For the son, the mother is the provider of all his needs. Who am I? I seem to have lost myself, and life just doesn’t feel worth living”.

“Let me be me”

Harsha, called Harsh by her father, was always told, “You are my son”. Her father had set an agenda for Harsha’s life, and held her ransom to it. Unless she conformed to his agenda of being a son, she wouldn’t receive his love.

Harsha’s heart craved to be a Montessori teacher, but her father would not hear of it. She was his son, and would be a chartered accountant, and that was that.

So badly did she want his love and approval that she went against her calling to become a chartered accountant and get a high-powered job, all the time checking back to see whether she was receiving parental love and approval. So desperate was she for this acceptance that she suppressed almost all female instincts in herself, gaining more and more power in her position at work—until one day, she fell in love.

After marriage she faced major problems. In her husband’s family men ate first, and only when they had finished did the womenfolk eat. She wasn’t even allowed to read the newspaper in the mornings, as that was “for the men”. Harsha found this contrasting lifestyle humiliating. The conflict in her increased progressively. She felt trapped between being the “son” her parents could be proud of, and being the “submissive daughter-in-law” her in-laws wanted her to be. She had suffered a nervous breakdown when brought to me, and had to embark on a painful journey to rediscover, accept and love the person inside her.

During family therapy, her parents claimed complete ignorance of their contribution to the problem, saying, “But we are so proud of her, we keep telling her she is our son.” It took a long, frustrating session to help them realise that their daughter had never been acknowledged and unconditionally accepted as the person she was. Instead, she had been given a job description right from the moment of her birth, which was to be who they wanted her to be—their son.

Double standards

Minakshi’s mother brought her to me complaining of sibling rivalry between Minakshi and her brother, “She is so jealous of her brother, I don’t know why she behaves in this way,” said her mother. According to her, Minakshi was not mature enough to understand that “after all, she is a girl, and he is a boy”.

On asking Minakshi what the matter was in private, a huge dam burst with a never-ending flood of tears. She spoke about how special foods were made for her brother, which she wasn’t allowed to touch, even if they rotted. If she spoke of justice and fairness, she was labelled “greedy and jealous”. Her brother could have whatever he laid his fingers on, while Minakshi had to choose from cheap sales, and accept her mother’s hand-me downs. For birthdays, her brother was bought the most expensive product in the market, whereas Minakshi was either given some money to buy herself a gift, or given a much-hyped, much exaggerated cheap gift.

Minakshi had recently been engaged. When selecting jewellery for her wedding from the family jewels, her mother first kept the most valuable pieces aside for her brother saying, “This is for your brother; however, you can select whatever you want from the rest, we do not want to differentiate between both of you”. This obvious contradiction in word and deed was the last straw. Minakshi completely lost control and became hysterical. She broke off the engagement and stopped eating at home. When she tried committing suicide, she was accused of “bringing shame to the family with her actions”.

Rights and wrongs

According to Hindu law, sons and daughters are equal heirs to the parental estate. Most parents, however, assign most of the wealth to their sons in their will. And just to save themselves from guilt, leave something to their daughter, even if the daughter becomes who they want—their obedient, wish-fulfilling “son”.

Of course, this rule does not apply to biological sons. Even if the sons turn out to be demanding, pampered and spoilt brats, their chromosomes are enough for them to “rightfully deserve” all that the parents have to give—affection and wealth. The daughter does not have the rights of a biological child, but must perform the duties, whereas the son has the rights of the biological child, whether he performs the duties or not.

Dr Sonam, a highly qualified paediatric dentist, cringed when after marrying a famous gynaecologist, her mother-in-law said, “You are lucky to have in-laws like us who allow you to practice.” The word “allow” makes her blood boil till today. She claims that since she has worked as hard as her husband to be where she is, she does not need anyone to allow or disallow her to practice.

A girl is different from a boy biologically and psychologically in many aspects, and we need to respectfully acknowledge that

“Bearing” a girl child

Female infanticide and foeticide continue. There are couples like Mohan and Lata even today, who continue to have children till they have a son. Mohan and Lata continued giving birth to daughters in the hope of having a son. They stopped after four daughters, after Lata had to have a hysterectomy due to multiple fibroids in her uterus. Mohan defensively says today, “I’m a proud father of four girls,” but his bitter expression gives everything away.

Often, if the couple has decided on two children, and the second one is a daughter after the first daughter, the second one experiences a deep-seated feeling of rejection. This feeling stems from the parents’ disappointment that she is not a son.

Sagar and Shilpa came to me to talk about Neha, the younger of their two daughters, who would throw temper tantrums, cry uncontrollably, pick fights at school, and speak of wanting to die. It was discovered that both parents were deeply disappointed that she was not a son, but had never ever spoken about it openly. Neha had picked up the vibes, though, and this feeling of being rejected for who she was, became the undercurrent in her life.

Different but equal

I’d like to make it amply clear that while discussing the prejudice against the XX chromosome, I am in no way proclaiming that women are superior to men. Also, this isn’t a typical bra-burning women’s liberation endeavour, which unrealistically claims that women can or should do absolutely everything that a man can do. The opposite is equally untrue; men are not superior to women and neither can men claim to or should do everything a woman can do. Therefore, both need to respectfully and gracefully accept that they are both equal but different.

Love without reservations

A girl is different from a boy biologically and psychologically in many aspects, and we need to respectfully acknowledge that. There are, of course, certain areas like dressing and nights out in which unfortunately, some restrictions have to be placed on girls, given the present social environment in which we live. But these so-called restrictions are not manifestations of inequality in love or acceptance of the child. On the contrary, they are manifestations of care for the safety of the girl-child. However, such matters need to be lovingly explained and will be understood in the same spirit, if the basic inequality in the attitudes of the parents towards sons and daughters cease to exist.

If the boy-child and the girl-child are both equally and unconditionally loved, accepted and respected for who they are, we will have healthier relationships between men and women.

Certain pockets of society are slowly changing, with more and more girl-child adoptions taking place. Excellence is the antidote to all discrimination, and women are proving their worth in society by excelling in varied fields. The sad part, however, is that they have to prove their worth.

Male and female, are equal, opposite, complementary and inseparable, and life cannot exist without both

Together they make a whole

The relationship between the two genders can be compared to a magnet. A magnet has two poles—north and south. Both these poles have three qualities: they are opposite, they are of equal intensity, and they are inseparable.

Opposite doesn’t mean opposition. While the two poles are completely opposite, they are not in opposition to each other i.e. they are not against each other. In fact, they are greatly attracted to each other with neither having a greater or lesser magnetic pull but being of equal magnetic strength and intensity, they are inseparable. A magnet cannot exist only with one pole. In fact, if you cut a magnet, it automatically develops the opposite pole for it to exist. As such, both poles are complementary to each other with neither being superior or inferior.

This example can also be extended to electricity. We know that for electricity to flow, there must be a negative charge and a positive charge with the electrons flowing from one to another. There can be no electricity without these two opposite charges. Similarly, the two genders are equal, opposite, complementary and inseparable, and life cannot exist without both.

Yin and Yang or Shiva and Shakti are inseparable and equally form the Divine life force —Chi in Chinese and Prana in Sanskrit—and the wholeness of existence.

I dream of a day when the chromosomes will cease to matter, one way or the other; when the person inside the body will be all-important; and when human love will unconditionally flow towards another human—that is the day when men and women will both be truly liberated.

The post Men and women: different but equal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Soon after that dreadful night, Tom completed his exchange programme and went back to Australia, leaving behind a physically and emotionally bruised girl who spent the next several years trying to cope with the effects of that chilling night, suffering in silence.

Nine years later, Thordis decided to put an end to her ordeal once and for all. Watch this TED video to find out how she did it.

Please share the video if you think more people need to watch it.

The post This inspiring video will change the way you think about rape appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Unlike the trolls represented in literature, there is nothing magical about internet trolls, and if you spend time online, you are bound to run into one. They love to hang out in crowded online communities, eagerly waiting for a post to appear on a site and comment on anything that could create complete chaos. Their goal is simple—to disrupt the flow of communication while having a laugh at another’s expense. Here are some of the tactics they use to entice their victim to respond to their virtual jabs:

• Name-calling
• Insults
• Deliberately saying and doing dumb things
• Put-downs
• Rants
• Harassment
• Off-topic posts

Once they get the community riled up, they sit back and watch their plan unfold. Trolls love to engage in combative and non-productive inflammatory jests which often leave their victim[s] feeling defeated, humiliated, insecure and sometimes even threatened. These individuals often play with people’s emotions and don’t know when to stop.

Why would someone be cruel online?

Since trolling is a relatively new phenomenon, research is lacking on what the motive and personality characteristics of people who participate in trolling is. But, if we agree that all practising socially acceptable behaviour serves a purpose, then clearly internet trolls are getting some type of kick out of their actions. But what are they getting? Furthermore, what are some of the personality quirks associated with this type of behaviour? Let’s understand the psyche of online trolls.

Online trolls are:

1. Emotionally detached

   People who troll have lost the feeling of empathy. They have desensitised themselves to the feelings of the person on the other side of the screen. The computer creates a barrier to human emotion and it’s hard to detect how much damage is being done when they can’t see how the person on the receiving end is responding. Plus, a screen allows leeway for the troll to do whatever they want without any accountability. Thus, they engage in conduct that they never would have done in a face-to-face interaction.

2. Identity coverers

   Within a matter of minutes, 53-year-old Sam can become 25-year-old Christina, and you’ll never know who he really is because he has concealed his identity. People who troll conceal their identity and hide behind a cloak of anonymity. If they can’t be seen, they can behave anyway they want [or so they think]. Many people who troll the internet take great pride in masking their true identity. In a matter of minutes they can create a fictitious profile, switching their gender and age; and if you ask for proof, they send a photo of their fake self easily pulled off the internet.

3. Leading a double life

   Similar to point 2 above, people who troll feel empowered by their online persona and may use the internet as a means to say and behave in ways they wish they could in their real lives. Internet trolls like juicy gossip, they like tabloid headlines and they like to nose around in other people’s lives, but they can’t seem to get a handle on their own. It’s almost as if the troll takes on an independent personality to cope with their current life situation.

4. Deceptive manipulators

   Unfortunately, some people who troll enjoy deceiving and playing with the emotions of others. Research has found a correlation between trolls and sadistic behaviour. So these people take great pride in humiliating and degrading other people. They enjoy watching others suffer. Maybe they are suffering in their own life and this is the only way they can get back at others. For instance, someone who is bullied in the workplace might retaliate online. So in a sense, trolling serves as a means of retribution for the things that have gone wrong in their own lives.

How should one deal with trolls?

If you want to steer clear of trolls, you have to beat them at their own game. Understand what feeds and drives them to take things to the next level. Listed below are some things you need to know about people who troll.

Characteristics of a typical online troll

Here are a few characteristics of a troll

1. They love it when you retaliate. When they know they have exasperated you, they will intensify their ill-mannered tactics
2. You cannot reason with them; they are irrational
3. They lack manners and therefore don’t operate under the conventional terms of social etiquette
4. They will not let you win or have the last word.

Practical tips to help you deal with a troll

If you are the victim of a troll, do not fret. Here are some tips to help you when you encounter trolling situations:

1. First disengage from any combative conversation. Do not let yourself get personally absorbed in an unhealthy dialogue. Every electronic device has an amazing little button that powers it off. Use it.
2. Take a break and get away from the computer. The online world creates a lot of impulsivity. Often you may feel that you need to respond immediately. This is dangerous. When you respond impulsively, you are reacting. It is okay to get away and put time and space between yourself and the situation. Time and space will help you calm down, clear your head and figure out a more appropriate way to respond.
3. Don’t take it as a personal attack. This is easier said than done, but you have to separate who you as a person are from what you are being attacked for online. Odds are, the person trolling you doesn’t even know you personally. So regardless of how unkind and personal the troll can become, it’s not a direct attack on the individual.
4. Cut off the conversation. Come up with simple statements like “You are entitled to your opinion, but rude and personal comments are unwarranted and unwelcome.” Then completely disengage from the conversation.
5. Do not engage in accusatory lingo online. For example, be wary of ‘you’ messages, as they can create a hostile conversation. Here is an example:
   — “You don’t know what you’re talking about. How can you be so stupid?”
   A better approach is expressing your own perspectives, views and opinions by using ‘I’ messages. Here is an example:
   — “I disagree with your statement and the view is not reflective of current research.”
6. Ensure your safety. If at any point in time your safety is threatened, you are harassed and the intent behind the trolling is to cause you harm, you must report the incident[s] to the site providers. Keep a record or screenshots of all of the threatening posts. You may need this information in the event you have to pursue legal action.

The virtual world is an intriguing world. As a matter of fact, many of us couldn’t do our jobs or function efficiently without the internet. Unfortunately, as long as the online community exists so will trolls. So, accept them for what they are—nuisances who serve no true purpose except to create trouble with a capital T [for Troll].