Monsoon is a joyful time of the year, because the earth revitalises itself. For many Indians, it is a time of festivity because a good monsoon means an abundant harvest.

So get into the spirit of the season and discover the long-lost delight that the monsoons herald.

The Valley of Flowers, Uttarakhand

If the drizzling rain brings out the adventure junkie in you, then grab your hiking gear and head to the Valley of Flowers. This is an untouched piece of paradise open only between June and October, when the snow melts. The nearest airport is Dehradun and the nearest railway station is Rishikesh, after which the adventure begins, as you have to complete the journey either by jeep, local bus, on foot or on a mule till you come to Ghangaria. Visitors have to stay at the base camp Ghangaria because there are no lodges in the valley. It is a trek of three kilometres from Ghangaria to the Valley of Flowers.There is only one entrance and you have to pay an entry fee. After entering the park, it is another long trek to where the actual valley begins. Despite all that strenuous hiking, the vision that you encounter makes it all worthwhile. Flowers create a colourful carpet, while charming birds toot away with snowy mountains looming at a distance. Visitors must carry their own food and water and be considerate of the environment.

The best time to visit is around August when the flowers blossom. It does rain fairly often here and the weather becomes extremely cold, so raincoats and jackets are a must. If you are lucky, you might spot the elusive fauna. The gurgling rivers, tinted flower carpet and scenic beauty of the place will have you keeping your hiking boots out—for a return visit.

Alleppey, Kerala

There’s a reason why Kerala is called ‘God’s own country’. Green trees, blue rivers and oceans and vivid-hued birds and animals flourish here. Time literally stands still, allowing you to take in the splendour of the land. Alleppey or Alappuzha is known as the Venice of the East and it has retained much of its old-world beauty.

So while the grey clouds abound, spend your monsoon cosy and warm inside a houseboat, leisurely cruising the backwaters of Kerala. You can glimpse an earlier era as you sail pass the brightly coloured houses along the canals. While the surroundings might take you back to simpler times, you don’t need to rough it out. Though thatched and traditional on the outside; most houseboats have modern amenities. There are oarsmen and chefs onboard to cater to your every need. But if you are looking for a bit of excitement, you can attempt to catch your lunch. The peppery cuisine Alleppey is known for will keep you warm during a windy monsoon.

The famous Nehru trophy boat race is held on the second Saturday of August, while smaller Snake boat races are held from July to September. Watch the locals battle it out in the long, brilliantly decorated boats. These rambunctious races are an integral part of Kerala’s culture, so make sure to catch at least one of these thrilling events.

And if you do decide to venture onshore, pamper yourself with that famous Kerala ayurvedic massage.

As you drift along, relax with a hot cup of locally-grown coffee and enjoy the beauty of Alleppey as the rain drops fall all around you.

Puducherry, Tamil Nadu

It’s summer in Europe and you long to stroll down the French Riviera, but you can’t due to various constraints? If you can wangle some time away, Puducherry [formerly known as Pondicherry] is the perfect place to visit.

The monsoon begins here in late June with light sprinkles of rain and goes on until November, when the rains get considerably heavier. There is cohesiveness in the city as both the Tamilian and French culture are represented through the architecture, people and gastronomy.

The city is divided into Ville Noire [the Indian quarter] and Ville Blanche [the French quarter]. The smell of the wet earth arises as you amble down Ville Blanche and the pastel shades of the colonial houses are pronounced against the overcast sky. The immaculate beauty of the cobblestone streets and French construction makes you feel like you are walking down a rue [street] that could be anywhere in France. Sit at a quiet café and munch on a croissant as you watch the world go by. If the foodie in you is still not sated, there’s the traditional Chettinad fare and fusion food, along with the authentic French cuisine.

While there are several places of worship, museums, parks and beaches to visit, the more notable sites are—Sri Aurobindo Ashram, Beach road, Raj Niwas and the Jawahar Toy Museum. If it’s excitement that you seek, you might be disappointed. Puducherry is more of a destination where you immerse yourself in the serenity and culture of the place. Experience a petite piece of France right here in India.

Udaipur, Rajasthan

Indian literature and Bollywood movies depict the monsoons as the season of romance. If a romantic getaway is what you are looking for, the city of Udaipur is where you should go. Luxurious palaces, exotic camel rides and robust Rajasthani food all complete the affair. Take a sunset cruise on Fateh Sagar lake followed by dinner at the Lake Palace, which lights up at night. View Udaipur’s past at the museum Bagore-ki-Haveli; it has a vast collection of Mewar paintings, glassworks and over a 100 rooms with costumes and modern art.

Puppet shows, desert safaris, musical concerts… there are so many things to do in Udaipur. The picturesque Saheliyon-ki-Bari or the ‘Garden of maidens’ should also be on your agenda. Its lush greenery, gorgeous flowerbeds, bubbling fountains and tranquil lotus ponds create quite the romantic ambience.

The maharajas knew a thing or two about the enchantment of the monsoons and even built a palace to see and enjoy the rains. Sajjan Garh, or the Monsoon Palace, is situated atop a hill and overlooks Lake Pichola. The massive windows of the palace were particularly designed to view the sunset. And offer stunning views they do, especially when the sky turns red and orange to signal the impending rain. Udaipur is filled with colour and exuberance that even the heaviest downpour cannot dampen. So if the passion has been missing from your relationship, rekindle it in Udaipur.

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The view was breathtaking; the brilliant azure of the Arabian Sea, its vastness making the ships in the distance look like tiny boats. The cool breeze was refreshing, to the say least. I was visiting my friend Ria and her brother for lunch at her new apartment. It was a lovely setting for some amazing conversations. But the only person Ria spoke about was her ex-husband.

As we were about to start eating, as if on cue, the doorbell rang; there was a letter for her—from her ex. She ripped it open and started reading it. Her face turned red and she stormed out of the living room, booted her computer and began drafting a reply, completely unmindful of leaving us behind at the table.

Her brother went to call Ria back. I overheard their exchange. “Your friend is waiting and the food is becoming cold too.” She started screaming at him about how important writing her reply was. Through the muffled argument I heard him say, “You enjoy this, don’t you?” Immediately she shrieked, “What the hell do you mean, I enjoy this? This man has taken the last six years of my life and he continues to harass me.”

After she banged out the introduction of her reply, she returned with her brother in tow. While her brother apologised for the rude behaviour, Ria said nothing at first. She then started her usual diatribe of how her ex was mistreating her and how he said this, did that and always wanted something or the other. While I felt sorry for my friend and her predicament, all she did was talk about her ‘story’. I had seen her life change so that it revolved only around her ex—when she wasn’t writing to him or talking about him, she was thinking of ways to get back at him. And this had been going on for six years!

Feeding the anger

Something about her brother’s observation that Ria was “enjoying this” resonated with me. Because unless you enjoy something, why would you do it? Ask anyone who has had a prolonged issue with someone—property disputes between siblings, bitter divorces, estrangement between parents and children. They’ll blame the actions of their opponent—their emails, letters, phone calls, meetings—for making them feel hurt, undervalued, angry, sad, disappointed. But there’s something they won’t tell you—that they enjoy it.

People put a lot of energy into their situation not realising that by doing so they are feeding it till eventually the situation becomes their life story. Now, from the moment they wake up to the time they fall asleep [and even in their dreams], all they think about is their situation and the person who they hold responsible for it. That’s what happens when you feed anger—it becomes a part of you such that without it you begin to feel empty, incomplete.

I had my ‘story’ too

I connected with Ria’s brother’s statement because I too had my own story. As long as there are relationships, there will be conflicts and I had my share. I was the ‘victim’ in my story and so I felt I had every right to tell my story. After all, we were best friends and after what I did for her, how could she do that to me? I justified. I rationalised. I knew the hatred was eating me from the inside but it took me a while to figure how much I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t realise just how much I enjoyed being angry at this person till I decided to forgive her.

Most of you would probably think, “Am I supposed to do nothing while someone attacks me?” Of course not! What I have discovered is that there are ways to handle hurtful situations without putting negative energy into them.

So how do you know if you are feeding your ‘situation’ or dealing with it? Here are three ways I have figured out.

You talk about it ALL the time

For a full year, I would tell people the story of how horrendous a person Simone, my former best friend, was and how she had hurt me. Then one day I realised that people were fed up of listening to my rant, so I stopped. But Simone had also had feuds with my other friends, who would whine and criticise her and I would join in. The energy from those conversations seemed to be filling something in me. I began noticing that I felt energised by the nasty, mean, negative power that arose from those exchanges.

I believe that when you talk about someone, it’s like you invite them to hang out with you. So even if they aren’t physically present, they are with you… and then you wonder why it’s hard to get rid of the situation you are in.

My friends still hate Simone, but I’ve chosen to try and not hate her. I say try because forgiveness is a constant tug-of-war that you have consciously practice; while you do learn to let go, there are still some days that you want to hold on.

How to deal with this

These are some of the things that I find work:

• Avoid starting a conversation about the person
• If anyone else starts, and if it’s negative, don’t engage
• In the event that you can say something nice, do
• Try to talk in as positive terms as possible
• If people ask you about the incident, for instance if you’ve divorced, talk about the facts rather than the kind of person they were, because that feeds the emotions.

You spend ALL your time doing work related to this

Thankfully this is not something I’ve experienced directly. But I have observed Ria’s life—her daily itinerary is blocked with lawyer meetings, writing correspondence, reading about other people’s divorce stories and visits to the therapists. There is very little else going on in her life. But the thing is, that when you want to do something, you find the time to do it, because you make the time for it.

I know of people who have their own ‘situations’ and have to spare time to attend to whatever the situation demands. But they manage to find the time to meet their friends, go for a movie or a play. They are dealing with what is happening but it’s not their sole focus.

How to deal with this

• Try and get yourself in neutral gear. When you feel anger welling up inside you because of what that person said or did, stop and ask yourself if a random person said or did those things to you, would you still feel the same way? It’s our equation with that person that blinds us.
• If it’s a legal matter like in the case of property disputes, appoint a lawyer to handle it for you.
• We unconsciously tend to channel our negative emotions, especially when the issue is an emotionally charged one. So if you need to reply, get a family member or a wise friend to write it on your behalf. They will be far more objective in their approach.
• Make the time to do other things. Time away always helps bring back peace of mind. How about going off on a short vacation?

You avoid solving the problem conclusively

Our high involvement with the situation is due to the closeness of the relationship that has soured. In all probability, you once loved this person so you struggle for their attention even now. If being in this negative space is the only way you can get it, you will continue to feed the situation instead of allowing a resolution.

How to deal with this

• Once you have decided to let go of your anger, sit down with this person and decide what the next step forward is
• When you have reached a decision, set a deadline for the outcome
• Also agree on the penalties if either of you go back on your word.

In cases of prolonged conflict people will constantly push you even if you don’t engage them. So you need to decide what to do if they go back on their word. Perhaps you may contemplate a complete ‘no-contact’ with this person. If you do make such a decision, make sure it comes from a place for forgiveness rather than fear and anger.

If you have been having a prolonged tussle with someone, may be it’s time to stop and ask yourself: Am I enjoying being angry at them? Am I attached to my story with them? Am I feeding the situation? What would my life look like without this story?

The answers could free you up—like they freed me.

 This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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My hunt for the ‘perfect’ gift

So after a quick dash around the mall I managed to get perfect presents for everyone, except for my cousin Ian. Confused about what to get him, I wandered about till I found myself outside a toy store. Though I doubted I would find anything appropriate for a 35-year-old, I went in. Walking past the pink aisles laden with dolls and around the racetrack, hidden in the corner I found something I knew he’d love—a 13000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Present bought, my five-foot-something frame was soon struggling with a massive four-foot gift in a crowded Mumbai train. But the gift endured its arduous journey and was shortly under my Christmas tree.

As per tradition, after midnight mass my immediate family exchanged presents. My brother gave me a bracelet. “Thanks, but why did you get me that?” “It’s not what I wanted, I asked for perfume,” I rambled on, ignoring his downcast look.

It’s finally Christmas

The next day, the family came over for Christmas lunch. My aunts, uncles and cousins stared at the present, speculating who it was for. Soon, the gifts were opened one by one, till the biggest one—my present to Ian was left. He loved puzzles and I was sure he was going to be excited by my gift. I watched in anticipation as he unwrapped his gift, but his reaction was not what I had expected. “Why did you buy this?” “Do you know how big this is?” “Where am I going to keep this?” “What am I going to do with this?” A barrage of questions came. A lump formed in my throat and I struggled to rein in the tears. His mom seeing my crestfallen expression said, “Maybe we can keep it in our holiday home.” But he was upset and asked me to return the gift.

His mom told me later that there was no problem with the gift per se, but Ian was not used to getting anything nice, so receiving something so extravagant stirred an unconscious reaction.

Receiving ungraciously

But I can’t really point fingers at Ian because I’m guilty of this behaviour too. I realised that I had the same attitude when my brother had handed me my gift. I only saw the entity and not the affection. I’ve often caught myself saying, “Thanks, but I didn’t want it” or “I’d like it better if it had this feature… or that feature…” or even “Why did you buy this, I told you I wanted ____!”

How often have we found ourselves receiving ungraciously and in the bargain hurting those who put so much thought and care?

But receiving is not just relegated to material things; it could be compliments, help or even love.

What messages are feeding you?

Do you remember the time when you complimented someone on their attire, only for them to respond, “Oh, this is such a rag…” or “It makes me look fat”? Or if you’ve offered to help someone, only to have them curtly brush you off with, “I can manage.” Leaving you to question what it is you did to offend them.

I remember an incident where Nisha, a friend of mine, told me that I looked pretty; to which I responded “Don’t lie to me and please don’t insult my intelligence.” She was aghast at my brusque reply but said, “No, you really do look pretty.” I then retorted, “Ok, what do you really want?” Noticing her shocked expression, I took a moment to understand why my answers to Nisha’s genuine statements were as rude as they were.

And then I realised—it was because I had been told that I would only be pretty if I was thinner, taller, had longer hair, wore contact lenses, had my teeth fixed and a host of other things, and that’s why I felt that Nisha was lying to me. For so long had I been fed these messages of unworthiness that I began to believe them and felt unable to accept her sincere praise.

Building walls

However, it is in our closest relationships that I find we don’t know how to receive. We deem ourselves undeserving of the gift of someone’s love and affection and we push them away without realising what we’ve done, till we lose them. We want to love someone, but often our unworthiness surfaces and we end up self-sabotaging our relationships. We build walls [sometimes even higher than those of Jericho] when we do not receive well. We are taught that it is better to give than to receive, but how can you give what you don’t have?

Receiving well doesn’t mean we indulge in an exaggerated outpouring of gratitude; more often than not, a simple “thank you” accompanied by a heartfelt smile does the job. So this new year, I have decided to receive all the gifts that come my way graciously—whether they be material objects or someone’s affections. Because, I have realised that the gift is not in the wrapper—it’s in how I receive.

P.S. If you’re wondering what happened to the gift, I exchanged it for two smaller jigsaw puzzles that he liked better.

 This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Published by: Ellis & Stewart Publishers

ISBN: 0-942532-01-7

Pages: 303

Price: INR 477

Ever wonder why, despite your best efforts, you can’t get someone to side with you?

Maybe because your endgame isn’t theirs, says Dr. Stuart Atkins. Knowingly or otherwise, we are all in a game and we plan, persuade, scheme, manipulate and even blackmail to get the job done. So are you conscious of what your action plan is?

In his book, Dr. Atkins names four game plans—Supporting-giving, Controlling-taking, Conserving-holding and Adapting-dealing. He explains the plans and highlights the strengths and weaknesses of each. What I like about the author’s approach is that he doesn’t slot people into a particular category and say ‘that’s it, you’re a Controlling-taking person; you’re stuck’. He says that everybody has a default plan and a backup plan. Often our default plan turns out to be our weakness instead of our strength. For instance, when we can’t get someone on our side, it could be because our default plan is their last resort.

The author discusses compatibility between people with different plans. He also teaches us to find out what our game-plan is by assessing our strengths and weaknesses and then to estimate the plans of other people in our life. So if you are an Adapter-dealer and do things quickly, and your boss is a Conserver-holder and does things in a methodical fashion, he might construe your actions as rash.

Another key point in this book is the misuse of ‘the golden rule’. The golden rule states “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Now, we know that others don’t have the same interests as us, but have we ever thought that maybe the other person wants to be treated differently?

Dr. Atkins says that we need to make people see things from their viewpoint, not ours. Tough, considering we need our needs to be met! He illustrates this with a simple example: You switch on channel 2 and you wait for your favourite programme to start. You wait for it to begin but another programme starts, you wonder what’s happened, maybe it’s a trailer. You think it’ll come on now but it doesn’t, and you wait and wait till you get irritated. Then you remember it’s on channel 4! You switch on channel 4 and are happy to find your programme on! So would you continue watching channel 2? You wouldn’t, because what you want is really on channel 4. It’s the same with aspects of our relationships—why would someone get onboard with us, if it’s not what they want?

Though most of the examples cited in this book deal mainly with workplace situations, there are a few recommendations on how to deal with your partners and your children. Yes, even tiny kids have their own agenda!

In summary, The Name of Your Game is an instructive read. It tells how to consciously formulate a game-plan to score your goals. And it teaches you how to get what you want by convincing others how they can get what they want, by joining forces with you!

This was first published in the August 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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