Research shows that alpha personalities — characterized by leadership traits, high ambition, and strong decision-making abilities — face specific challenges when both partners share these traits. But, with the right approach, two alphas can create exceptionally successful marriages that leverage both partners’ natural leadership abilities.

In this article, we’ll explore the unique dynamics of dual alpha relationships, common pitfalls to avoid, and helpful strategies that successful alpha couples use to thrive together.

• Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships
• Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry
  • Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family
  • For an alpha, giving up leads to feelings of depression
  • Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes
  • Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative
• 5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage
  1. Zero talking or acting out in anger
  2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns
  3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths
  4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts
  5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving
• Frequently Asked Questions
• The Takeaway

Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships

In the world of wild dogs, every pack has a pecking order, on the top of which reigns the alpha. A strong alpha enables the pack to function in harmony. In return, the alpha gets special perks: first access to food and to mating opportunities. Who wouldn’t want to be the alpha?!

Fighting establishes who is on top. The more physically powerful alpha rules the roost. The loser slinks off. Fighting is risky though; even the winner may suffer wounds.

Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry

If the animal is a person and the troop is a family, the husband and wife may both aim to take the dominant alpha role. Both George and Julie, for instance, are alphas by temperament and capability. Both are effective leaders at work, both with upper management corporate positions. When these two male and female alpha personalities interact at home, they have five options. Four are of these are bad options:

• Fight: to win by domineering
• Fold: giving in and giving up like a slinking-off weaker dog
• Freeze: by ceasing to talk about their differences
• Flee: escaping the conflict physically or else via distractions: drugs or alcohol, watching TV sports, overeating, working 24/7, or continuously focusing on their computer.

Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family

Anger upsets everyone in earshot. Here’s how that picture would look in George and Julie’s family:

George wants to eat dinner at 6pm; his wife wants to eat at 7pm. George would grumble and growl about how dinner was not ready when he was. He might make nasty comments, complain and criticize his wife, or shout to bully Julie into doing what he wanted. 

Julie would other forms of fighting to get her way. She did not want to bicker with George or shout louder or make nastier comments than he could. Rather, she would fight via passive-aggressive inaction. That is, she would get back at George by winning with a strategy of not doing, ignoring what George wanted. Alternatively, when George would shout, rather than argue each point, she would wait, quietly seething, until she could deftly slide in a snide comment that wounded him to the core. 

For an alpha, giving in and giving up leads to depression

Feeling less powerful creates a loss of serotonin. This serotonin drop is experienced in both animals and people as depression. When the weaker partner caves in on the struggle to get what she or he wants, depression emerges.

Depression serves a purpose. Depression decreases motivation to fight. Staying clear of fights prevents the weaker party from engaging in fights that might produce emotional or physical injuries. They resign to thinking, “Better depression than to get wounded.”

Julie would ultimately triumph by wounding George with cutting contemptuous comments, George would then stomp out of the room, acting angry but experiencing an internal feeling of depressive collapse. 

At other times, it was Julie who gave up on what she wanted. Suffering depression sometimes felt safer than attempting to stand up against George’s angry outbursts.

Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes

Neither partner may want to risk getting injured, but immobilization in the face of a conflict or dilemma is a recipe for on-going anxiety.

On major issues, for instance, whether to move to an in-town apartment that would enable George to have less commute time to work but feel less comfortable for Julie, neither spouse wanted to fight. To avoid arguments, they avoided the topic altogether. The price was a continual background feeling of tension.

Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative

George tried to drown out his anger by drinking alcohol. Drinking actually calmed him but also caused him to withdraw into himself, brooding. Julie then resented her husband’s lack of attention to her. When a man at work began to shower her with sunshine, smiling often at her and finding excuses for them to talk, Julie began to feel tempted to stray. Turning elsewhere to avoid problematic situations invites creation of even worse problems.

Related » How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts

5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage

The good news is that people, unlike animals, can talk. With calm information sharing, win-win solutions can emerge. But first, both the male and the female need to accept each other as alphas. There is no rule that states two alpha personalities cannot be together. So Julie and George can work in the long run; only prerequisite is a will to be together.

Here are the steps that make a difference.

1. Zero talking or acting out in anger

Anger draws attention to a challenging situation. The adrenaline surge prepares you to fight. Having alerted you to a problem though, anger then needs to be given a few moments to dissipate. Pausing and doing something that would be distracting and calming refreshes the emotional system. (Also read A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage)

George experienced a sudden surge of anger when he returned home one day and saw a new car in their garage. He and his wife had always made big purchases together. How could Julie have bought a new car without talking to him?!

Tempted to rage at his wife, George took a few deep breaths, reminding himself that quiet talking was always more helpful than lashing out. When he entered the house, he took a few moments to wash his face and cool down, staying clear of ruminating about Julie and what she had done.

2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns

Information-gathering and solution-building only proceed effectively when the tone is calm, safe, and good-humored.

“Is that your new car in front of our house?” George later asked Julie, trying to stay calm.  “Where did you get it? Usually we make big financial decisions like a car purchase together.”

“Yes, George, I agree we always make big purchases together, and I like that. This car was no exception. I’ll explain. Remember my colleague Sarah, my best friend at work, who died suddenly in her sleep about a month ago? Sarah had no children. She left a very simple will, giving most of her money to a charity. But her new car, which I had admired, she left to me. Her lawyer brought it to me today. I’m so touched!”

“That was very kind of her,” George agreed, sighing with relief. 

3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths

Two alphas often clash when both try to control the same decisions. The solution is dividing leadership based on each partner’s strengths.

George excelled at financial planning while Julie had a gift for home design. Yet they constantly argued over both areas—George critiquing decorating choices, Julie questioning financial decisions.

Their breakthrough came during another paint color debate. “We’re both trying to control areas where the other person is actually stronger,” Julie realized. “What if we each led in our natural strengths?”

They agreed. George would handle major financial decisions while keeping Julie informed. Julie would manage home-related choices while considering budget impacts. Both retained input and veto power, but respected each other’s primary jurisdiction. This eliminated daily power struggles while letting both exercise their alpha nature productively. 

4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts

Alpha personalities hate being blindsided by decisions. Regular planning prevents the surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles.

Julie learned this after “The Vacation Incident.” She found a great beach house deal and booked it as a surprise for George. When she announced their vacation was “all set,” George felt excluded from a major family decision. Even though he loved her choice, his alpha nature reacted to being left out of the process.

“I wish you had talked to me first,” George said calmly. “I love the place, but I feel like I didn’t get any say in our family vacation.”

Their solution was to have weekly 15-minute “check-ins” every Sunday evening. They would discuss upcoming decisions, plans either is considering, and potential conflicts. Now Julie says, “I’m looking into vacation options—found some great places. Want to look together tomorrow?” George feels included from the start, preventing reactive conflicts.

5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving

When conflict arises, alpha couples need structured approaches to find solutions honoring both partners’ needs. Unlike couples where one might defer, two alphas will fight unless they have collaborative methods.

George got promoted but faced a 90-minute commute. He wanted to move closer to work. Julie loved their neighborhood—her friendships, professional connections, and the kids’ schools. Initially, each argued their case: George emphasized family time gained, Julie stressed losing her support network. They were stuck.

Julie suggested trying collaborative problem-solving from her management training. First, they identified core needs. George needed less stress and more family time; Julie needed to maintain her network and kids’ stability.

Then they brainstormed options – moving, staying put, remote work, compromise locations, or George finding a closer job. The solution surprised them: George negotiated three remote days per week, commuting only twice weekly with overnight hotel stays.

Both felt heard, neither felt defeated. The key was focusing on underlying needs rather than preferred solutions.

Related » How to help a friend who is facing marital problems

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two alpha personalities have a successful relationship?

Yes, absolutely. Two alpha personalities can create exceptionally strong partnerships when they learn to channel their leadership traits collaboratively rather than competitively. The key is accepting each other as equals and developing systems for shared decision-making. Many successful couples are both alphas—they just need different strategies than traditional relationships.

How Can Two Alpha Personalities Work Together in Marriage?

Two alpha personalities can work together by using calm communication, establishing clear roles based on strengths, scheduling regular check-ins, and focusing on win-win solutions. The key is channeling competitive traits into collaboration rather than conflict.

What are the biggest challenges for dual alpha couples?

The main challenges include power struggles over decisions, difficulty compromising when both partners are used to leading, and the tendency to compete rather than collaborate. Alpha couples also face issues with anger management, as both partners may react strongly when they feel their authority is questioned. However, these challenges are manageable with the right communication approaches.

How do alpha females and alpha males work together in relationships?

Alpha females and males can complement each other beautifully by dividing leadership responsibilities based on their individual strengths rather than competing for the same territory. The key is mutual respect—both partners must acknowledge the other’s capabilities and avoid traditional gender role expectations that might limit either person’s natural leadership abilities.

What communication strategies work best for strong personalities?

The most effective approach is calm, information-gathering conversations rather than heated arguments. Start by asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective, then share your own concerns without attacking. Avoid making assumptions and give anger time to cool before discussing important issues. Regular check-ins also prevent surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles. (Also read The art of marital communication)

Do alpha couples fight more than other couples?

Not necessarily. While alpha couples may have more intense disagreements initially, they often resolve conflicts more efficiently once they develop good communication patterns. Their natural problem-solving abilities can actually lead to faster resolution of issues. The difference is that their conflicts tend to be more direct and focused on solutions rather than lingering resentments.

Should one alpha partner become more passive to make the relationship work?

No. Asking an alpha to suppress their natural traits typically leads to resentment and depression. Instead, both partners should remain true to their alpha nature while learning to collaborate effectively. The goal is channeling those leadership qualities toward building a stronger partnership, not diminishing either person’s natural strengths.

Related » Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage?

Summing Up

Successful dual alpha couples like George and Julie talk together collaboratively. Living happily ever after is never easy for any couple, but cooperation matters. By calming themselves, asking questions instead of interpreting or assuming, and listening to each other’s concerns when there is a decision to be made, two alphas can share their family’s leadership in a way that enables the entire family to thrive.

This is an updated version of the article; it was first published on 17^th September 2017.

Last updated on 25^th June 2025

The post Two Alphas in Marriage: How to Make It Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Introduction: Emotional Immaturity in Adults
• What is Emotional Age?
• Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Adults
• How to Deal With Emotionally Immature Adults

Introduction: Emotional Immaturity in Adults

It’s not easy to spot emotional immaturity in grown-ups. As a therapist who works primarily with couples, I have learned that almost any client can look reasonably adult when I meet with him or her individually.

By contrast, seeing the same therapy client in a couple therapy session where spouses are interacting often gives me vastly more data. Mistaken, emotionally immature and pathological behaviors all become very visible. I see then the extent to which, under stress, each partner’s actions can be rude, hurtful or even dangerously childish—or calm, respectful, and mature.

A psychologist from Africa, with whom I once spoke at an international psychology conference, explained to me that in his country it was common to assess people in terms of both physical age and emotional age.

What is Emotional Age?

Physical age can be counted by number of birthdays. Physical age, especially with children, tends to correlate with height, strength, and cognitive functioning.

Psychological or emotional age measures emotional habits. For instance, adults can stay calm whereas children tend to be quick to anger in the face of triggers.

Adults exercise careful judgment before talking whereas children may impulsively blurt out tactless, hurtful words. If toddlers want a car or doll that another child is playing with, they are likely to reach out and take them. Preschoolers get mad or cry multiple times every day, even if they are basically well-nurtured and happy kids. The rules of adult-play, like taking turns or not grabbing, have not yet begun to shape their behavior. Youngsters do not act in a consistently civil manner because they have not yet internalized the rules of “civilized” adults.

Behaviors that are normal and even endearing in children look childish and rude when adults do them; when you encounter such emotional immaturity in adults, you need deal with it appropriately.

One way to think about how young children differ from emotionally mature grownups is to picture young children you know—maybe even your own children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and even your neighbors’ kids. How do these children differ from adults that you know and respect?

Before reading my list of characteristics that I look for, you might want to jot down a list of the traits that you noticed in your visualization.

Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Adults

The following are some of the top signs of emotional immaturity or childishness in an adult person.

1. Emotional escalations

Young children often cry, get mad, or look petulant and pouting; grownups seldom do.

2. Blaming

When things go wrong, young children look to blame someone; grownups look to fix the problem.

3. Lies

When there’s a situation that’s uncomfortable, young children might lie to stay out of trouble; grownups deal with reality, reliably speaking the truth.

4. Name-calling

Children call each other names. Adults seek to understand issues. Adults do not make ad hominen attacks, that is, attacks on people’s personal traits. Instead, they attack the problem. They do not disrespect others with mean labels.

There is one exception. Sometimes adults, like firefighters who battle forest fires, have to fight fire with fire. They may need in some way to overpower an angry child, or an out-of-bounds adult, in order to get them to cease their bad behavior.

5. Impulsivity [poor impulse control]

Children strike out impulsively when they feel hurt or mad. They speak recklessly or take impulsive action without pausing to think about the potential consequences. Similarly, instead of listening to others’ viewpoints, they impulsively interrupt them. For teens exhibiting similar behavioral challenges, a boot camp for troubled teens offers a structured environment to address emotional immaturity.

Emotionally mature adults pause, resisting the impulse to shoot out hurtful words or actions. They calm themselves. They then think through the problem, seeking more information and analyzing options.

Again, occasionally, acting on impulse is a hallmark of mature behavior. For example, soldiers and police are trained to discriminate rapidly between harmless and dangerous situations so that they can respond quickly enough, with an immediate appropriate response, to protect potential victims of criminal actions.

6. Need to be the center of attention

Ever tried to have adult dinner conversations with a two-year-old at the table? Did attempts to launch a discussion with others at the table result in the child getting fussy? You bet!

7. Bullying

A child who is physically larger than the other children his age can walk up to another boy who is playing with a toy he would like and simply take it. The other child may say nothing lest the bully turn on them with hostility. Safer just to let a bully have what he wants.

Adults respect boundaries: yours is yours and mine is mine.

8. Budding narcissism

Narcissism is the inability to see anything other than one’s own interests and perspective. Adults also can see things from others’ perspectives and therefore take others’ concerns into account.

In another post I coined the term tall man syndrome for one way that the normal narcissism of children can persist into adulthood. If children — or adults — can get whatever they want because they are bigger, stronger, richer etc, they become at risk for learning that the rules don’t apply to them. Whatever they want, they take. “It’s all about me.”

This narcissistic belief may look initially like strength. In fact, it reflects a serious weakness in being unable to see beyond the self.

Psychologically strong people listen to others, listening to understand others’ feelings, concerns and preferences. Narcissists who hear only themselves are emotionally brittle: it’s my way or the highway. They operate like children who want to stay out and play even though dinner is on the table and pitch a fit rather than heed their parents’ explanation that the family is eating now. “It’s all about me; no one else counts; and if I don’t get my way I’ll bully you with anger or feel overwhelmed and pout.”

9. Immature defenses

Freud coined the term defense mechanisms for ways in which individuals protect themselves and/or get what they want. Adults use defense mechanisms like listening to others’ concerns as well as to their own. They then engage in collaborative problem-solving. These responses to difficulties signal psychological maturity.

Children, by contrast, may too often regard the best defense as a strong offense. While that defensive strategy may work in football, attacking anyone who expresses a viewpoint different from what they want is, in life, a primitive defense mechanism.

Another primitive defense is denial: “I didn’t say that!” “I never did that!” when in fact they did say and do that. Sound child-like to you?

10. No observing ego, that is, ability to see, acknowledge, and learn from their mistakes.

When emotionally mature adults ‘lose their cool’ and express anger inappropriately, soon after, with their “observing ego,” they realize that their outburst was inappropriate. That is, they can see in hindsight that their behavior was out of line with their value system. They can see if their outburst has been, as therapists say, ego dystonic [against their value system].

Emotionally immature adults are like children who have not yet internalized mature guidelines of respectful behavior toward others, or who have not developed ability to observe their behaviors to judge what’s in line and what’s out of line, see their anger as normal. They regard their emotional outbursts as “ego syntonic,” justifying them by blaming the other person: “I only did it because you…”

How to Deal With Emotionally Immature Adults

If you, or someone you know, functions more like a child than like a grownup, how do you deal with them?

It’s easy to love children who act like children. It’s harder to love someone who acts like a child in the body of a grownup. Still, most childlike adults only act childishly when they feel threatened.

One strategy, if you love an adult who displays emotionally immature tendencies, is to focus primarily on the more adult and attractive aspects of the person. If you are the childlike one, love your strengths—and pay attention to growing up in your less mature habit areas.

Another strategy is to cease being surprised when the childish patterns emerge. Thinking “I can’t believe that s/he/I did that!” signifies that you have not yet accepted the reality of the child-like behaviors. Accepting that the behaviors do occur is a first and vital step toward change.

Third, if you are the receiver of emotionally immature behavior, beware of trying to change the other person. Instead, figure out what you can do differently so that those patterns will no longer be problematic for you. Your job is to keep growing yourself, not to change others.

Lastly, learn the skills of adult functioning.  Much of what grownup “children” do can be considered as a skills deficit. If you tend to be childish, learning adult skills can move you into grown-up-ville.

The more clear you are about what constitutes grownup behavior, the more you will be able to stay a grownup—even when you are interacting with someone who is acting like a child.

The post Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Adults + How to Deal With Them appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Tia seemed particularly troubled one day. Mamta decided to take the lead, and asked, “How have you been feeling lately? I’m concerned because you look lost these days.”

It was almost as if Tia was waiting to be asked. The veil had been lifted and she broke down. “I’m so relieved that you asked,” she replied. “I’ve been feeling so alone. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems, but I want to talk with you about my marriage, if that’s okay with you. Nothing is going fine.”

The Risks of Asking Friends About Their Marriage Problems

Once intimate information is out of the bag, it’s impossible to return to not knowing. You might hear something you don’t want to be privy to.

After sharing personal information there is a chance the friendship may change. You will be required to play dual roles—as friend and as marriage confidant, making you feel overloaded. You may have to pick one. At the same time, you might in fact be able to help significantly.

You will be required to play dual roles—as friend and as marriage confidant, making you feel overloaded

How to Help Your Friend Facing a Difficult Marriage

Note that the list begins with multiple don’ts.  That is so you can follow the rule of ‘Do No Harm’. The last thing you want to do if you are going to intervene would be to make the situation worse.

List of Don’ts

• Don’t assume that your help is wanted. Launch the discussion by first asking, as Mamta did with Tia, how your friend feels about discussing the home situation with you.
• Don’t take sides. You are likely to feel tempted to validate your friend with “You’re right; your spouse is wrong” reassurance. Remember that you know only half the story.
• Don’t badmouth the spouse. “I never liked him/her and now I see why” can retard the marriage recovery process.
• Don’t assume your friend is faultless. The way your friend interacts with you may differ from the way he or she does in the marriage. In intimate relationships, many people regress to interacting the way their parents did, or like they did as a child with their parents or siblings.
• Don’t offer generalizations about personality traits. Avoid saying, “He’s such a selfish person.” Instead of commenting on the person, comment on specific behavior, e.g., “The frequent criticism does sound like it’s hard on you.  Receiving so much criticism would be demoralizing for anyone.”
• In general, don’t offer solutions, and especially don’t insist that your way is right. “You should…” is unhelpful. Your friend, the person with the problem, knows the most about the many parameters of the problem and therefore is the best judge of what route to take. Exceptions to this last rule are: a] if there is an emergency; for instance, if your friend is endangered by domestic violence [suggest a domestic violence program for information, assessment and specialized help]; b] towards the end of a discussion, if the person with the problem has come up with no options and you have some ideas that might help.

The last thing you want to do if you are going to intervene would be to make the situation worse

Now, the ‘do’ guidelines:

• Ask good questions. Questions can enable your friend to clarify his/her concerns and then eventually to figure out new solutions.
• Launch your questions with how or what.  These starter words invite more detailed answers than Yes/No starter phrases like Are you, Did you, Will he, Has she… “What was your reaction when he said that?” is far more helpful than “Were you mad?”
• Digest the answer aloud, briefly, before moving on to the next question. Otherwise your friend is likely to feel on the witness stand. “Yes, I agree that…” can launch your digesting response. “Yes, Tia, I agree that you are quite alone with all your family living so far away. How much is your distance from family that has caused you to feel so alone?”
• Ask about both his and her concerns.  What’s your concern when you are fighting about the kids? What does he worry about?
• As the concerns become clear, eventually ask about solution possibilities that would work for both spouses. Beware of rushing too soon to the goal line of finding a fix. First be sure your questions have helped your friend to understand all the factors impacting the situation.
• The solution to most problems is a better system. “Sounds like a lot of the fighting is about how to get the kids to do what they need to do. What might be a system for building routines so everything’s not always an issue?”
• Save your suggestions for the end of the discussion, if they’re still needed. Offer them as gentle hypotheses, not sure answers or “shoulds”. E.g., “I wonder if talking over who is in charge of what with the kids might help your evenings run more smoothly? Or if taking a parenting class together might help get you on the same page?”
• Recognize if the problems include the three ‘A’s. These issues most often lead to divorce. Like broken bones as opposed to cuts and bruises, these marital difficulties usually require professional help:
  1. Alcohol or other addictions,
  2. Affairs, and
  3. Anger that is excessive or abusive, either physically or emotionally.
• Suggest resources. For instance, find good articles online and share the links with your friend. Maybe suggest a therapist you trust. Or suggest books or websites that teach collaborative marriage communication and conflict resolution skills. With better communication and shared problem solving skills, couples become more able to work out their differences on their own.

Back to Mamta and Tia

Tia looked up at Mamta. “My thoughts and feelings about my marriage had been swirling like a tornado in my head. I felt totally overwhelmed. Now I’m seeing the situation more clearly. I even have at least the beginnings of a plan for moving forward. What a relief. This has been SO helpful. Thank you!”

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post How to Help a Friend Who Is Facing Marital Problems appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.