Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“Caroline, you have to do your mindset voodoo thing on me,” she pleaded. “There’s a huge deal closing and I’m losing the plot. They’re going to find out that I don’t know what I’m doing. You have to help me!”

Superwoman Sarah was having an attack of imposter syndrome—and it turned out this wasn’t the first time.

How did I help

• First, I told Sarah that what she was going through is extremely common. Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point. [The real figure maybe much higher because shame stops some people owning up.]
• Then I walked her through a breathing exercise to calm her down.
• Finally, I asked her two questions.

10 minutes later, off she went to continue her preparations for completing the deal—if not back to her normal full-on confidence levels, at least most of the way there.

So what were the two questions that helped change her state? Before I share them with you, let’s take a look at this demon.

Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point

What is imposter syndrome

Imposter (or impostor) syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) shows up when a person’s outer evidence of achievement and ability doesn’t match up with their inner psychological and emotional landscape of occasional or permanent self-doubt. This mismatch triggers stress, typically when someone is expected to demonstrate their expertise or ability.

People experiencing imposter syndrome are unable to recognise their own competence and feel undeserving of respect and acclaim. They dismiss evidence of their previous achievements as luck or accident and believe they can’t replicate that high performance. They feel anxious and ashamed that they will be unmasked as a fraud.

The tendency presents on a sliding scale of severity, from occasional fleeting discomfort, to persistent anxiety that can seriously affect a person’s peace of mind, performance and prospects.

Typical thoughts of someone experiencing imposter syndrome:

“They’re going to find out I’m useless and think I deliberately misled them.”

“I’m going to fail in front of everyone and let them down. It’s going to be unbearable.”

“I can’t perform in the way they expect. I’m going to be humiliated.”

“I’ll never pull this off. I’m not a real expert—I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Who “discovered” imposter syndrome

The tendency was originally observed by psychologist Pauline Clance, who, with Suzanne Imes, coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon” in a 1978 research paper. Initially, it was thought of as a problem affecting high-performing women but further research confirmed that it also affected men.

Entrepreneurs, creatives and high achievers are especially affected because they’re required to showcase their expertise. Even Einstein once admitted that he felt like “an involuntary swindler”.

What causes imposter syndrome

It is believed that the tendency is caused by an inability to internalise and accept our own achievements and pay deliberate attention to what we do well. One of the reasons for this is the messages we absorb from childhood and beyond that we’re not good enough.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome. Women, in particular, face an ongoing struggle to prove their competence in the workplace, with their contribution more likely to be downgraded or trivialised. This can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s also common in male-dominated fields, where competition is fierce.

External evidence of success, such as awards, high earnings and public acclaim, make no difference to someone who experiences Imposter Syndrome. Actually, they worsen feelings of being incompetent and undeserving, and lead to a greater fear of being found out.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome

Start by asking yourself the two questions I asked Sarah:

Q1: “What is the story I’m making up about this situation?”

Sometimes, when you feel challenged or in the spotlight, unhelpful stories can emerge that affect how you think, feel and behave. You accept these “I’m not good enough” stories as gospel—but they’re not the truth! They’re just your thoughts deceiving you into believing you’re inadequate.

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud. Then challenge the veracity of that story. What cast-iron evidence do you have that it’s true? Note that thoughts and feelings are not proof.

Q2: “How else could I think, feel and behave in this situation that would lead to a better outcome?” 

When you tune into your self-talk, something significant happens. The act of interrogating your thoughts makes you aware of them. They’re no longer unconscious and automatic.

When you take something off autopilot, you regain control. Being aware of your story makes you conscious of it and now you can edit the tale you’ve been wildly spinning. Effectively, you empower yourself to choose a different ending to the story.

So ask yourself, “What would be the best outcome for me in this situation? And what do I need to think, feel and do in order to achieve that outcome?” Then practise believing it!

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud

A psychological toolkit

I emailed Sarah a list of other helpful practices which can, if not banish imposter syndrome completely, at least enable you to regain the upper hand when it pops up. Practise these five steps regularly to increase your self-acceptance and resilience:

1. Tell someone [as she did when she called me]. This gets it out of your head and into the open, where it can be challenged and normalised. It also helps to realise you’re normal and not alone.
2. Monitor your self-talk and work on self-acceptance. Get used to tuning in to your thoughts and challenging your self-criticism. Imperfection is hard-wired into us so accept that you are both fallible and intrinsically worthwhile. I advise my clients to develop the habit of speaking to themselves as though they’re a sensitive, intelligent child who deserves to be nurtured and encouraged.
3. Practise active appreciation for your achievements, skills, and hard work. You didn’t reach this level of ability by accident or luck. Keep a gratitude journal and make a point of recognising your strengths and positive qualities. Be specific. What are you good at? What do you value about yourself? What positive impact do you have on others? What have you coped with well today?
4. Comparison is rarely helpful. Plus, at least seven in 10 people you compare yourself to also feel inadequate at times! Stop comparing yourself to others and focus instead on creating the best outcome.
5. When you do something well, connect vividly with the feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment. Anchor those feelings of pleasure in vibrant memories and recall them when you feel like an imposter.

If you experience imposter syndrome often, it may be an unconscious way of flagging up that your current role or business conflicts with your values or lacks meaning for you. You may find it helpful to work with a coach to find a more meaningful way to use your skills.

So, the next time you feel as though your competence is just a mirage, tune in to your self-talk and ask yourself my two questions. Then rewrite your “I’m an imposter” story.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Watch the video below that explains what is imposter syndrome and how we can deal with it

The post The curious case of the Imposter Syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.