It so happened that one of my friends asked me about my fascination for astrology. Now astrology was a subject of great interest and curiosity to me in my high school and college days. I had studied it in detail and my friends of the time knew about my interest and often made fun of it. This friend, a hard core student of science, and one who never believed in ‘esoteric’ things like astrology, carried in his mind an ancient image of me. What was annoying to me was that I could not do much to shake up that image, even though the present me had little resemblance to it. (Read No Fault in our Stars to know how I see astrology today)

Of course, the time we spent that day was too short to transform our perceptions of each other, which seemed frozen in time. But I realised one thing: just as others may harbour fixed perceptions of me, I too carry old and outdated ideas and perceptions about the others in my life. And, just like I have changed radically over the years, so may have others—for better or for worse.

We change

When we judge other people in our lives—friends, family, co-workers, business associates—we refer to their past actions in order to predict their future behaviour. In other words, we expect people to live up to the image about them in our minds. What’s worse, most of us do the same with ourselves. We carry a self-image based on our past thoughts and actions, and then expect ourselves to repeat the same thoughts and behaviours, ad infinitum.

I have seen that our prejudices often come in the way of sorting out differences and strengthening our relationships. Somehow, we have convinced ourselves that people remain the same throughout their lives. But people can, and often do, change.

Ancient texts across all cultures of the world are full of stories of cruel-hearted, mean-spirited men evolving into compassionate beings, who dedicated their lives to the service of the others. In my opinion, the scriptures employed stories of dacoits becoming saints with the purpose of showing us hope. Upon reflection, you will see that these stories urge us to drop our prejudices—about self and others—and embrace openness to possibilities.

Drop your prejudices

We humans are gifted with an amazing grace of self-awareness, which allows us to grow and evolve. Using this gift, we change several times during the course of our lifetimes. By insisting that people are prisoners of their nature, we impose needless limitations on ourselves and our loved ones, suppressing the beautiful growth and transformation that each of us can experience, naturally.

Here’s a suggestion: how about trying a new, prejudice-free approach? Just for today, consciously drop all old perceptions. When you interact with others, see them with a new pair of eyes, and detect the difference. I have a feeling you might be in for a pleasant surprise.

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He is seven now, and though his love for ballet has faded, Nutcracker still remains his most watched film. He goes to a jazz class with both boys and girls, and enjoys running around and rough and tumble play in the park. He doesn’t volunteer to braid our hair as often, but still makes the most astute observations about our change of hairstyle or dressing.

He is also the most sensitive and emotionally perceptive little boy I know. Being raised by parents who have never felt the need to raise their boys as ‘feminists’ or ‘footballers’, but simply left them free to explore the possibilities between those or any other categories, he is finding his own place in the world.

Gender bias is all over

Just as news of gender-based violence and discrimination bombards us in the most disturbing ways, so does a combative wave of protest against it, ensuring that a narrative of antidote also exists in parallel. For every objectifying statement made about women, one also hears its ‘liberating’ polar opposite. For each time a man commits violence against a woman, there is an exhortation to men everywhere to ‘man up’ to being respectful and sensitive.

But how do young minds make sense of these two extreme positions and arrive at the one they wish to live by? And how do parents find their own sense of balance between ‘politically correct’ and comfortable parenting around these sensitive issues?

Here are some things you can do in your day-to-day routine to sensitise your child about gender equality:

• Watch out for stereotypes. Have you ever told your son that he needs to ‘protect’ his sister because ‘she is a girl’ or told your daughter that she needs to help lay the table or serve the guests because she is a girl? Buying dolls for the girls and cars for the boys, or doing up their rooms in girly or boyish ways are stereotypic overloads children could do well without. Right from infancy, raise your children in an atmosphere of curiosity and freedom. Allow them to explore possibilities, identities and choices as they grow up, without them having to fear being judged.
• Subtle ways in which you may be creating a gender bias in your child. While narrating bedtime stories, be mindful to avoid gender stereotypes such as princesses in need of protection by the prince and the princess repaying the favour by marrying the prince. And let them pick up toys from both the ‘girls’ or ‘boys’ sections.
• Teach them to question gender roles in the world around them. Why do you think the character in this movie made that choice? What could be the consequences of such a choice, for themselves and others? Could there be another choice he/she could have made? The next time they express a wish to ‘keep the girls out of it’ or buy that blue Kinder Joy™ instead of the pink one, ask them why they want to make that choice, and help them see another perspective.
• Model it! Most of what children pick up comes from what they see around them. If they see their parents share chores in an atmosphere of understanding and fairness, the message they get is that this is how it is done. If your children notice that it’s normal for their father to shop for vegetables or cook a meal while their mother is comfortable with fixing a broken thing, it helps to dissolve gender biases in their mind.
• Make sure responsibilities are given keeping interests and abilities in mind, rather than being based on what girls or boys ‘ought’ to do. If your little girl enjoys cooking and baking, by all means encourage her to try her hand at it, and if your son is good with electronic repairs, let him enjoy the responsibility. But if your son enjoys playing with your daughter’s doll house don’t lose sleep over it. Let them know that they are free to experiment with the other role as and when they like.
• And finally, remember that promoting equality irrespective of gender, caste, skin colour or economic status, may be more important than promoting equality based on gender alone. Men and women are different, not necessarily equal in every way, just as no two people are or can be equal in every way. But that difference does not warrant discrimination. That is the message to focus on.

Among us are women who are great drivers and mountain climbers, men who are amazing chefs and have an impressive sense of design, and perhaps what allowed each of them to be all they wanted to be, is someone who believed in their worthiness as people, not as men or women. Let us raise our children in this spirit then, where we value them for who they are and not how well they fit into defined categories.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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If you have been seeking answers to your many questions, but are not satisfied with the answers you’re getting, perhaps it’s time to change focus—from answers to questions.

Remember, the responsibility of an answer lies squarely on the shoulders of the question itself. Every answer lies within the question. If the question is not correct, the answer, no matter how profound, can never be right. How can wrong questions have right answers? So, if your question is a self-limiting one, don’t expect your answer to be a self-empowering one.

Take, for example, questions that start with ‘why’. Such questions are invariably backward-looking.

So, if you’re concerned about your excess weight and ask yourself, “Why am I overweight?” your answers might be “Because I eat too much” or “I am not active enough” or even “Because I am genetically predisposed to being fat”. Note that all answers begin with “because”, keeping you focussed on the cause and, in the process, only reinforcing the situation.

If you’d like to change something about your current situation, your question should reflect that desire. So, a self-empowering question would be, “How can I make losing weight exciting?” or “What are my options to lose the excess flab?” Questions like these open up possibilities and empower you to act in your interest.

But, what if the question is right and the answer still fails to satisfy the quest. The reason for that could be prejudice; often the questioner does not find the answers satisfactory because of his inability to listen with a clear, open mind. So even if the answer is right, it may appear wrong to the questioner because he doesn’t want the right answer… he wants an answer that he wants to hear.

In the final analysis, an answer must put the mind to silence. I like the way Sri Sri Ravi Shankar explains this: “Silence is the goal of all answers. If the answer does not silence the mind, it is not an answer.” So if your answers don’t quieten your mind, first check if you asked the right questions. Then, ask yourself if you’re listening without prejudice.

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