Aamir Khan: More than inspired, I would say I have been influenced—by actors like Dilip Kumar, Raj Kapoor, Amitabh Bachchan and Waheeda Rehman.

After all the success you have achieved, what motivates you and where does your thirst, hunger, inspiration and energy come from?

Aamir Khan: Soon after Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak, I signed 8 – 10 films, which didn’t do well at the box office. I would go home and cry about it—I thought it was the end of my career. Then I started declining offers. Even Mahesh Bhatt offered me a role that I refused. He was surprised and he told me that I’m not doing the right thing. But I had made up my mind not to sign films for the sake of money, fame or big banners. I decided that I will work in a film only when I was confident of being a substantial part of it. Then I took up Dil, which became a hit. From then on, I began creating my own path instead of following what the other actors were doing.

I have never worked for money and I think that is one of my biggest strengths. It’s not that I don’t need money… all of us need it. But according to me, I earn the least among my peers. Yet I am very happy because I do what my heart says—I follow my gut feeling. For instance, Kiran had not liked the script of Rang De Basanti but I didn’t go with her instinct. I liked it and went ahead. At times I go wrong with my instincts but most of the times I get it right.

I never compromise on the quality of work. I strive to do better every time. I work in a medium where you connect to a large number of people and that’s why I try to do something different each time. This want and thirst to do better each time gives me the energy to do more and more.

What are your innermost insecurities and fears at this stage of life?

Aamit Khan: I have a lot of insecurity. I am constantly worried at so many levels. In fact I am called ‘Captain Caution’ by my family. They have also designed a cape for me and call it the ‘life jacket” and they have designed a logo for me. I am constantly worried about losing a person who is close to me and that’s my biggest fear. I am insecure about work too—I fear that I will wake up someday and all my work will go away and I will be the last one to know about it. Which is why I think I take things so seriously. People call me a perfectionist because I put in so much thought and hard work in my films and in everything I do in life. I don’t want to be the last one to know about my work. I give it a lot of value. I absorb, feel and grow. If I feel someone is sharper than me I value it even more. I keep thinking and analysing a lot. I think that if I could go back at this point, I could have done it differently—that’s when I started opening my mind.

Was doing films the default choice for you, considering your family’s film background?

Aamir Khan: When I started acting with Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak I never thought I would make it as a star or achieve so much in life. I don’t consider myself a star like Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan. I can’t be like them. I consider Salman a star because he can bulldoze his way into anything. About myself, I think it is strange when you think of doing something but land up elsewhere… somewhere you didn’t even expect yourself to be. One mustn’t forget that life can take all these unexpected twists and turns.

What do you think about your cousin Mansoor Khan’s decision of leaving the industry for good and settling down as a farmer?

Aamir Khan: We want Mansoor back to make films but he is happy where he is, in Ooty. We did manage to bring him back as a writer. Mansoor has approved of the concept and is currently working on the script and we are all chipping in with our ideas. But he doesn’t want to take up direction yet.

What motivated you to take up Satyamev Jayate?

Aamir Khan:The germ of the show was with me even 15 years ago. I used to read a lot of newspapers and met a lot of people.  I was disturbed by what was happening around me. I would be troubled by the injustice that was meted out to people. I used to wonder how things can change and what I can do to bring about that change for those who are less privileged than me. When I started discussing these things with my team, we all decided we could make a show about these current topics and it was very exciting. It was something I had never attempted. We travelled across the country to do extensive research before the show.

Has life changed for you in anyway after doing Satyamev Jayate? Are you planning another season of it?

Aamir Khan: Life has certainly changed. It has been a tremendous learning experience as well as an emotionally charged one. I cried a lot while I was watching some of the incidents. I feel what is happening in the country of late is very sad for girls—it’s traumatic. I am a very emotional person and I get hurt easily. But when I looked at the enormity of their situations, I felt I was in a very happy space. So yes, I got to learn a lot of things that I was not aware of earlier. And as a consequence, I have tried to incorporate a lot of changes in my personal life.

You’ve been supporting a lot of social issues. Have you ever considered contesting elections?

Aamir Khan: No, I think I am not meant for that, so I won’t be joining politics. One need not join politics to serve the society. I feel I am able to do a lot being in the stream that I am in. I can contribute much more through my show Satyamev Jayate and I am happy doing that.

There is a lot of great new talent in the industry now. Do you have your moments of insecurity?

Aamir Khan: No, in fact I love all these young stars. I like Ranbir Kapoor. When I watched Barfi, I asked Kiran what is it that he is doing that I cannot. He has qualities that I don’t have, and I think he is a fantastic actor.

I always strive to do better than other actors. I am genuinely fond of Salman and find him very charming. He’s one star who can run a film on his shoulders. I loved Sanjay Dutt in Munnabhai… Good work gives me great joy and it may not necessarily be mine. I like Shah Rukh in his romantic roles like Diwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I have yet to see Chak De— it’s on my list of films to watch.

Are you at a stage where you can take both criticism and praise with a smile? Does it hurt you when you are not appreciated?

Aamir Khan: I take criticism very seriously but I don’t read too many reviews of my films. There are a few critics I take seriously and few other I choose to ignore always. I often read ‘Rotten Tomatoes’ to gauge their ratings. I have always treated a film review as an opinion of one person and do not see it as a yardstick of how many people have liked the film. If a person has not liked the film, you have to accept that the film did not connect with that person. If 90 per cent of people have liked a film, I am happy with that. I don’t bother about people appreciating only my work. For me, it’s important that the film is appreciated in its entirety.

Would you call yourself a control freak?

Aamir Khan: No, and hope I never will be one. I make sure that I give much freedom to everyone around me. They are free to voice their opinions or give suggestions. If I like it I will imbibe it or else I will explain to them why I think that I am right and they are wrong.

What do you like reading? Any favourite books/authors?

Aamir Khan: I love reading all kinds of books, especially autobiographies and mysteries. I read all the latest books. I read the Harry Hole detective series by Jo Nesbo. Currently I am reading The Bat from that series. The last two books I read were The Lost Boy by Thomas Wolfe and A Child Called ‘It’ by Dave Pelzer.

You’re a parent again now, after almost two decades. How has the experience been so far?

Aamir Khan: I think there’s not much difference between then and now. Unfortunately I don’t get to spend much time with my children. But that doesn’t mean I am a bad father. I try to give as much time I can give Azad these days. I read bed time stories for him. Earlier I would take him to my sets everyday. He used to wake up and see me getting ready for work and he would cling to me. I would take him on the sets and when he was tired he would go off to sleep and by 11am I would send him back home.

Is there any advice you would like to give to the younger generation today?

Aamir Khan: I think the young generation today spends a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter, which may not be required. I also feel that they are sharing all their personal details online, and they need to be more cautious about that.

Finally, what is your recipe for a happy and healthy life?

Aamir Khan: Do what makes you happy; don’t worry about being successful. Be courageous and live life on your terms. Life is full of ups and downs and everyone goes through personal or professional losses. While it is important to mourn that loss, at the same time it’s equally important to take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise a lot—fitness is essential for everyone.

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Seven years ago, on the day of my wedding, my husband had no clue that he was tying the knot with someone who was already married—to perfectionism. But what love at first sight did not reveal, living together as man and wife did. The signs that his wife was a high degree perfectionist soon made themselves all too visible to my husband’s love-struck eyes. And sweet surprise turned to sudden shock, sometimes even to silent surrender.

Maybe because I was allowed a free run in the ‘playground of perfectionism’, or because I did not realise how irrational I could be at times, the perfectionist in me was fast becoming difficult to adjust to—not just for others but also for myself.

My husband decided to sit me down [and by this I mean multiple times!] and remind me of that one vow we took without the priest’s knowledge—that whenever we see a quirk growing in each other, we would honestly tell the other about it. But fortunately for me, before I started dictating others’ lives in ways they least expected or needed, I was gradually helped to divorce my perfectionism.

It’s Tough Being a Perfectionist

I have always believed that each one of us is a perfectionist to varying degrees. Maybe I assume this as I look for comfort in numbers. But if you think hard enough, you will realise you too know people who range from compulsive perfectionists to those who merely like to fuss over their hair and homes. So, if there is a tiny perfectionist hidden inside all of us, where is the problem?

A perfectionist is a person who has a sharply critical eye to spot lapses no matter how small they may be. Often, a perfectionist’s goal is as unreasonable as their means to achieve them. As a result, meeting those goals remains an uphill, often unsuccessful, endeavour. And what happens when you cannot meet your goals? Feelings of inadequacy, guilt, anxiety, emptiness bordering on depression and even jealousy arise.

A perfectionist, then, is a person perpetually running an obstacle race of their own creation. Often staring at the goal post with unflinching determination, constantly chiding their shoes, shins, size for slowing them down, knowing they are fast enough but lusting to be faster and wishing they had clocked a better time even when they touch the goal post first.

What’s Wrong With Re-Thinking Every Written Word?

This article would never have made its deadline if my perfectionist self could have her way, which is to write-edit-proofread and re-write, re-edit, re-proofread times. It took a lot to satisfy me with what I had created, and my husband’s ‘It’s perfect!’ was usually heard as ‘It’s nearly-perfect!’ by me. I pushed myself to be the perfect hostess at dinner parties with not a spoon out of place, or hair, mine or his for that matter. My house would shine spic-and-span, with everything where it belongs. Holidays were planned to the tee. I devoured books on parenting advice during my pregnancy. And then, I dominated my son’s life too—from how his books are covered to making his fancy dresses as unique as possible, to tying the best bows, I tried to do everything to perfection.

Consequently, I found myself upset with what I imagined as my own mediocrity and other people’s quality of work. I was avoiding doing what I thought I didn’t have the capability to handle, and ignoring other people’s faith in me. More often than not, I had bad hair days—figuratively! And I was getting tired of my own behaviour.

My husband had tried most methods known to kind men to make wives like me relax—like watching football, preferably with a beer can in hand, munching peanuts with shells flying and feet on the table. While I would have once shuddered at the prospect of such waste of time, today I think differently.

Related article » How to Live With a Perfectionist Partner

Being a Lamp in the House

The beginning of shedding perfectionism was made on a quiet summer day, when a storm of underperformance at work was playing havoc with my aura. My husband saw his Medusa muttering profanities in a corner of the house and came to tell me a story.

He told me of the ACR [Annual Confidential Reports] writing time in certain government offices. These forms included lots of questions about efficiency, credibility and work done successfully, with remarks by many in the pyramid of hierarchy. He told me of this kind man, right at the centre of the governmental pyramid, writing ‘outstanding’ for each and every person whose ACR crossed his path. When the staff heard it, they were jubilant. After all, it was a homogeneously outstanding lot! My husband knit his brows in incomprehension at this blind generosity. Over tea the same day, he discussed this phenomenon with a senior. The words of that senior bureaucrat quoted to me were:

“If everybody is outstanding, nobody is.”

We both smiled. Here are some things my husband and I have been keeping in mind to make me become a perfect non-perfectionist [sorry!]:

• Silencing the self-critic: To err is human. Every perfection-seeker needs to understand this. Being overly self-critical is unhealthy and makes you miss seeing the good bits about yourself.
• Learning to impress myself: Perfectionists obsess over what others think of them. I did. I tried to make sure everyone liked me, without realising how my lower back was getting stiff with all the bending backwards. And with friends and family spread across the world and social media like a Bodhi Tree, imagine the consequences of all this hard work. By excusing myself from trying to impress all of humanity, I now lead a life independent from one seeking sanctions from outside.
• Enjoying the journey as much as the goal: All those hours I spent making confetti for my child’s birthday, wishing it would be enough and pretty, could have almost been as enjoyable as the party. Or the anxiety over delivering a perfect book review and letting it take away from experiencing the book itself. There is more to life than accomplishing. The process of getting there in the company of family and fun is essential too.
• Challenging your beliefs: It is important to heed people you trust to challenge your set beliefs, especially about yourself. An evolution of mind requires people to question us, even by criticising us, to keep us from sinking into rigidity of thoughts and obsoleteness. Not all of life’s little instructions are written in My Book of Perfectionism. If I had not let my husband into my mind, I would not have been writing this, nor would have signed off on my aim of ‘being perfect’ so nonchalantly.

I conclude with something my teacher from class I wrote in my autograph book:

“If you cannot be a star in the sky, be a lamp in the house.”

To reach that state of contentment where excellence can do for perfection, and ‘very good’ can stand for excellence.

The Perfectionist is Converted

I was forever anxious about not driving perfectly. Three instructors and six years of driving practice included: putting the wrong gear at a traffic signal, people honking impatiently behind me, judging my driving skills and wishing me off the street. And today, after three weeks of driving with a calm husband beside me, I have left all that perfect-performance anxiety behind. So, while he made this perfectionist’s mind go from fifth gear to first, my car confidently paints the town red in gear number five.

This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Man is born with very weak instincts. That’s why he becomes intelligent—he has to become intelligent, he has to substitute his weaker instincts with a stronger intelligence. A dog need not do anything; a dog is perfect. He lives through his instincts; he never allows his intelligence to grow. What is the point? The instincts are doing far better, more perfectly, than intelligence will ever be able to do.

Intelligence is there because you are weak in your instincts. Man has developed all kinds of technologies, science, because man is very weak.

Out of his imperfections, man blooms

Just watch: he cannot run like a wolf or a dog, he is not strong like a lion or a tiger, he is not swift like a deer. Out of these imperfections he has done great things. He has developed weapons because he is weak physically; he could not have survived without weapons.

He is delicate, he is not strong. Because he is not speedy he has developed speedy vehicles. Because he is prone to illness and disease he has developed medicine.

Out of imperfection, man blooms. Because he does not know, he has developed philosophies and religions. No dog has developed a philosophy or a religion. There is no need; the dog knows already, knows instinctively. The dog is not ignorant, so there is no need to know. Man is ignorant, it hurts. He tries to know, he becomes curious, he explores, he becomes adventurous.

All animals are satisfied; only man is continuously in discontent. That’s his beauty. Out of his discontent he grows, he finds new ways of growth. Only man is anxious, anxiety-ridden. Hence he develops meditation techniques. Just watch: whatsoever you have—in culture, in art, in philosophy—is out of your imperfections.

Totality, not perfection

Don’t be bothered about perfection. Replace the word “perfection” with “totality”. Don’t think in terms of having to be perfect, think in terms of having to be total. Totality will give you a different dimension.

That’s my teaching: Be total, forget about being perfect. Whatsoever you are doing, do it totally—not perfectly, but totally. And what is the difference?

When you are angry the perfectionist will say, “This is not good, don’t be angry; a perfect man is never angry.” This is just nonsense—because we know that Jesus was angry. He was really angry against the traditional religion, against the priests, against the rabbis. He was so angry that single-handed he drove all the money-changers from the temple, a whip in his hand. And he was shouting at the top of his voice, and they became frightened—his anger was so intense, passionate. It is not just an accident that the people he was born to had to kill him. He was really angry, he was in rebellion.

Remember, the perfectionist will say, “Don’t be angry”. Then what will you do? You will repress your anger, you will swallow it; it will become a kind of slow poisoning in your being. You may be able to repress it but then you will become an angry person, and that is bad.

Anger as a flare-up once in a while has its own function, has its own beauty, has its own humanity. A man who cannot be angry will be spineless, will not have guts. A man who cannot be angry will not be able to love either—because both need passion, and it is the same passion.

A man who cannot hate will not be able to love; they go together. His love will be cold. And remember, a warm hate is far better than a cold love. At least it is human—it has intensity, it has life, it breathes.

And a man who has lost all passion will be dull, stale, dead, and his whole life will be angry. He will not express it, he will go on repressing. Layer upon layer, anger will accumulate; he will be simply angry.

It is the stretched soul that makes music

You can go and see your so-called mahatmas and saints, they are angry people. They think they have controlled their anger, but what can you do with a controlled anger? You can only swallow it. Where will it go? It belongs to you, it is part of you, it will remain there unexpressed.

Whenever anger is expressed, you are released from it. And after the anger you can again feel compassion; after the anger and the storm are gone you can again feel the silence of love. There is a rhythm between hate and love, anger and compassion. If you drop one thing, the other will disappear.

And the irony is that whatsoever you have dropped, you have only swallowed it. It will become part of your system. You will be simply angry for no reason at all; your anger will be irrational. It will show in your eyes, in your sadness, in your somberness, in your seriousness. You will become incapable of celebration.

When I say replace perfection with totality, I mean when you are angry be totally angry. Then just be anger, pure anger. And it has beauty. And the world will be far better when we accept anger as part of humanity, as part of the play of polarities.

You cannot have East without having West and you cannot have night without having day, and you cannot have summer without having winter. We have to accept life in its totality. There is a certain rhythm, there is a polarity.

It is the stretched soul that makes music. And souls are stretched by the pull of opposites—opposite bunts, tastes, yearnings, loyalties.

Where there is no polarity, where energies flow smoothly in one direction, there will be much doing but no music, much noise but no music. The music is created by the meeting of silence and sound; it is created by the polar opposites.

Just look at life. If there are only men on the earth there will be no more music, if there are only women on the earth there will be no more music. The music is between the polarities: man and woman, yin and yang, Shiva and Shakti.

Only the stretched souls can create music—stretched between polarities. A man who can be angry and totally angry will be able to be in love and totally in love.

We need feasting and fasting

And this too has to be understood, that it is a fact that you love a man and you hate the same man. You love and hate the same person—who else? When you have invested your love in somebody, naturally you have invested your hate too, because hate and love are two aspects of the same coin.

Lovers fight, they are intimate enemies. And whenever the fight disappears between two lovers, love also disappears. It cannot exist without the fight.

There is an inner mechanism. When you love a person you want to come close to him, you want a deep intimate relationship. But after a deep experience of intimacy you want to separate too, you want to go far away. You have feasted, now you would like to fast, otherwise there will be nausea.

You can love and you can be intimate only for a certain amount of time. You cannot eat for 24 hours, you cannot love either. When you eat, enjoy it totally. But then there is a need for 6  8 hours’ fast—only then does the hunger arise again.

The same is true about love. When you love a person you come close; you eat of him, he eats of you, you participate in each other’s being. You come closer and closer and closer, to a point where no more closeness is possible. Then the reverse process sets in: you have to go away to come back again—you have to fast to feast again.

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