“I am good when I give to others. It’s better to give than to receive.” Myth or magic?

Although many of us have grown up believing that it is our solemn duty to give, give, and keep on giving to others, that is only half-truth—a myth that prevents us from living joyfully and giving fully. Instead, consider what the world’s great sages say: You have a duty to give to others and to give to yourself. When you are in need, you must also receive. This advice sounds obvious, but how many of us are even near the top of our own copious to-do lists?

The principles of giving and receiving that apply to our daily lives are no different than the principles that operate in nature all around us. “A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop,” said the Roman poet Ovid. The earth must receive enough sunshine, water, and nutrients before it can produce a bountiful harvest from the seeds we plant. After the earth has given birth to the harvest, it must then rest and restore its life force so it can give again. The same is true of your life. How can you give to others if you don’t first nourish and fill yourself?

In a way that you might not have considered before, that question is embedded right inside the first principle we are taught as children—the golden rule. The golden rule is found throughout the world’s traditions. The Mahabharata, the ancient epic of India, says, “Do naught unto others, which would cause you pain if done to you.” Islam affirms that a true believer “desires for his brother that which he desires for himself,” and Christianity teaches, “Love thy neighbour as thyself.” Yet, if we are to love and treat others as [that is, in the same way that] we love and treat ourselves, how does that leave them if we treat ourselves with anything less than love and affection? Put another way, we can’t really honor others if we don’t first honor ourselves.

Myth: It is always my duty to give to others.

Magic: It is my duty to give to myself as well as to others. By giving to myself, I am giving to others.

Here, then, we meet the first paradox of the inner art of giving and receiving—we are able to care for and love others best when we care for and love ourselves first. Like all true paradoxes, the two seeming opposites are not mutually exclusive but mutually inclusive.

There is a season for both giving and receiving. Ecclesiastes, known as “the Teacher,” tells us [in the words made popular in the song by Pete Seeger]: “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;… A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” Our job is to recognize which season we are living in at the moment and honor its call.

Learning to give to yourself

Some of us are awesome givers but not very good receivers. We don’t ask for support. We don’t admit to others or to ourselves that we need any. We don’t even like to accept compliments. We reside on one side of the paradox [“I have a duty to give to others”], but we have forgotten about its complement [“I have a duty to give to myself”]. When that happens, the universe will step in to wake us up, to create balance, and to show us that we must honor ourselves too.

No matter who we are, life automatically apprentices us to the art of giving and receiving, and our lessons often begin with what we can see and touch—our bodies. They start with the questions: Do you love yourself enough to honor your body’s needs? Do you give yourself the nourishment, rest, and recreation you deserve?

If you don’t willingly give that to yourself, your body will eventually make sure you get it. I saw this happen to an acquaintance I would spend time with a few times a year at business meetings. At one meeting, I asked how she was feeling, knowing that she had been recovering from a recent surgery. “I’m good, but busy again,” she said with a frown. “If I don’t get some time off soon, I’m going to have to schedule another visit to the hospital!” My heart skipped a beat as I realized that she might very well fulfil her own prophecy. She hadn’t learned the lesson her body had tried to teach her the first time.

I’m no stranger to these lessons myself. When I was recuperating from my own unexpected trip to the hospital, a friend, who was a nurse, insisted on dropping by a few times a day to make sure I had everything I needed. She could see I was having a hard time sitting still and accepting the fact that I should rest, so she appointed herself my guardian angel for the week. I kept telling her that I felt fine and there was no reason I couldn’t get up. Besides, there were so many things I needed to attend to. She didn’t buy it. Looking me straight in the eye, she said, “Your job now is to sit still and relax.”

If we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies

She went on to tell me that she was just passing on a lesson she had learned when she had gotten sick. Like me, she had wanted to bolt from her bed and get going. A mentor of hers, catching her out of bed, sent her right back under the covers. “It’s where you belong,” she had told her. “You’ve been a nurse for so long that you think you should always be giving to others. Now you have to learn to receive.” I could identify with that. I suspected that my tendency to work so hard for so long was partly what put me into the hospital in the first place. After my friend left, I sat back, closed my eyes, and promptly fell asleep. She was right. My body wasn’t quite ready to start giving again.

Although we have been taught to think that spirituality encourages us to turn our attention away from the body and the material world to what is “otherworldly,” there’s a misconception wrapped up in that logic—a misconception that the world’s great teachers have warned us to watch out for. They tell us that if we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav, for example, said, “Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.” More than two thousand years earlier, this same realization prompted the founder of Buddhism to develop one of the keystones of his philosophy—the Middle Way. Siddhartha Gautama, an Indian prince, left his wife and young child looking for something more than riches and material pleasure. For six years he was an ascetic, believing that the practice of intense austerities would lead him to his goal of becoming enlightened. Depriving himself of the nourishment he needed, he became so weak that one day he almost died of starvation.

Fortunately, a young girl found Gautama and offered him a bowl of nourishing rice milk. Realizing that his sacrifices and severe practices had not brought him closer to enlightenment, he gratefully ate the meal. Strengthened, he vowed to meditate under a tree until he attained enlightenment. Gautama faced many temptations during the ordeal but, with his strength intact, he succeeded at last in achieving his goal. After his awakening, the first thing he taught was that only when we walk the Middle Way—can we attain enlightenment, indeed any deeply held goal.

That universal principle of the balanced Middle Way applies as much to us today as it did to those who first heard it from the Buddha’s lips. We, too, must examine whether our extreme sacrifices and the habits we think are making us “good” are actually bringing us closer to the fulfilment and meaning we seek in life. Do you sacrifice the needs of your body because you have adopted the myth that “my one and only duty is to give to others”? Do you ignore the warning signs and messengers who are trying to get you back into balance? Do you think of your body as something you must love?

Nora, a biochemistry researcher, found that changing how she looked at her body changed her life. For years, Nora had struggled with all kinds of diets and regimes without any success. When she had a serious health scare, she told herself that this was the last straw. She had to get into shape. It was now or never.

Fast forward three months. That’s when I met a new Nora, with a triumphant smile on her face. She had astounded herself and her friends by losing more weight than she had ever thought possible in so short a time. “I tend to be in my head a lot,” she admitted, “and so I never took much time to pay attention to my body. Once I started doing what was good for me physically, I saw that it wasn’t about losing weight but about loving my body. That made all the difference. Being careful about what I feed myself isn’t hard when I think about it like that.”

The first step to bringing your life back into balance is to be able to recognize when you are out of balance

You don’t have to be overweight to identify with Nora. With the hectic pace of our lives, when something has to give it’s often our bodies that get the short end of the stick, whether that’s reflected in the meals we skip, the fast foods we gobble down on the run, the excessive stimulants we drink, or the exercise we never quite fit in. The problem is that when we don’t keep our body in balance, the rest of us—our mind, our emotions, our spirit, our relationships—suffer as well.

There is a scene in the book Zorba the Greek that sums up the importance of caring for our bodies. The earthy Zorba never does anything without total resilience and passion. Zorba’s boss has yet to learn the joys of his life-affirming lifestyle. When his boss, head buried in a book and in the clouds, claims he’s not hungry and doesn’t want to eat the delicious meal Zorba has just prepared, Zorba exclaims, “But you’ve not had a bite since morning. The body’s got a soul, too, have pity on it. Give it something to eat, boss, give it something; it’s our beast of burden, you know. If you don’t feed it, it’ll leave you stranded in the middle o’ the road.”

The illusion of being full

Another myth that makes it hard to give ourselves the attention we deserve is the myth that busyness is strength—that the more balls we can juggle, the stronger we are. When we seem to have the ability to keep pushing—to go, go, go—we believe that we can do anything. We think that we’re members of that special breed who are built to give and who don’t need to rest and take breaks as much as everyone else. This is, in fact, a trick we play on ourselves. The truth is often that the more driven we are, the less energy we really have.

Brendan Kelly, an acupuncturist and herbalist who specializes in Chinese five-element acupuncture, talked to me about how this works, because, admittedly, I’m one of those who has managed to fool myself. Like all healing traditions, there are many ways of looking at how energy works in the body and in our lives, and what follows is just one interpretation of the classic Chinese view of how the body, mind, and spirit work together. It’s based on the idea that the body naturally needs alternating cycles of activity and rest so that we can replenish our reservoir of strength.

Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness

An abundance of activity in our lives creates what Chinese medicine looks at as “heat” in the body. The heat we produce by our constant busyness uses up our body’s “coolant,” which we need in order to maintain our internal resources and reserves. When we use too much of our reserves and have much more heat than coolant, we can start to have a variety of symptoms, anything from anxiety and insomnia to hot flashes, redness, or heat anywhere in the body. “This coolant is what the Chinese call yin energy, and it is one source, though not the exclusive source, for our internal peace as well as deep wisdom,” Brendan explained. “What happens when we burn out this coolant is that we are sacrificing the possibility of deep peace and wisdom for short-term activity and busyness.”

In other words, by keeping our lives full of activity without taking time to reenergize, we create “a lack of internal peace and we don’t have the ability to listen to who we are,” said Brendan. “Without enough ‘coolant,’ we cannot know who we are in our heart or express who we are in a balanced way.”

As you might expect, we can rebuild our yin energy [our coolant] by relaxing and creating a state of stillness, whether by giving ourselves more breaks or more sleep, engaging in prayer or meditation, or using certain healing therapies.

Now, here’s how we trick ourselves. The less strength or resources we have within, the more we may sense an internal inadequacy, as if we just don’t have enough to keep going. None of us likes that feeling, so we tend to push even harder to make up for it. We pump ourselves up with stimulants, fill our days with activity, and create more external busyness. All of that masks the feeling that we’re really running on empty. The busyness, the activity, and the stimulants conceal our internal depletion and create the illusion that we have more energy than we do. Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness. We are skilled at creating all sorts of products and elixirs to help us keep on buzzing. But all along, the internal buzz that we label as energy isn’t real energy. Instead, it indicates a lack of real energy.

“The extra heat in the body gives us the impression that we have more energy,” says Brendan, “but we don’t have more energy—just more heat. When you use heat instead of real energy to propel you through the day, what you give up is a sense of internal well-being.” What’s the difference between that and a state where we are truly energized and full? When we have ample inner resources, we don’t rush to and fro. Instead, we are at peace and have inner stability because we feel full and secure. We take care of what needs to be done, but we aren’t consumed by the compulsive need to push beyond what our bodies can handle at the moment because we know that we cannot continue to give to others if we ourselves aren’t full.

Myth: My drive to stay busy and my ability to keep doing more means I am strong.

Magic: Stillness creates strength.

A classic image that is sometimes used as an analogy for this process is that of a fire [heat] burning beneath a bowl [our body] that is holding water [our yin coolant]. The fire heats the water and creates steam, which represents what the Chinese call ch’i, our vital energy or essential life force. The ch’i is the sustaining energy we need to live. When things are in balance, the fire creates a natural warming effect. But if the fire becomes too hot, the water begins to boil. If this goes on too long, the heat literally consumes the water and dissipates the energy we need to bank our inner fire. Once the water is boiled away, we can literally collapse because we are not able to produce any more energy, or ch’i.

“When this happens, the results can be dramatic,” says Brendan. “One month you feel that you have a lot of energy and the next month you fall off the cliff—you’re in bed and you can’t move.”

Are you running on full tank or are you running on the illusion of a full tank? Do you let your tank become empty before you fill it up again and therefore run the risk of stalling out? Do you let your light go out because you don’t have enough oil in your inner lamp? In short, where do you put yourself on the list of priorities in your life? Too often we relegate our needs to the bottom of the list, if we’re on the list at all. We take care of our duties and obligations to others first and use the energy that’s left over for ourselves. But, truthfully, how often is there any energy left over?

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief

What if we reversed that order? What if we made sure our lamp had enough oil in it first before lighting the way for others? Wouldn’t that help us keep our lamp burning strong so we could give more light to others? To do that, we must learn to recognize our inner needs and then draw healthy boundaries so we have the time and energy to fill those needs. To renew ourselves so that we can continue to give, and give well, we must embrace the paradox that saying no will enable us to say yes.

If the idea of saying no makes you cringe, know that this principle comes straight out of spiritual tradition. The greatest teachers knew how to say no. Like all of us, they needed time alone to recharge and renew. Even an indefatigable missionary of mercy like Mother Teresa taught that renewal is a prerequisite for strength. She said that renewal is what gives us the energy to continue serving others. She observed that “the contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest, and mountain” and said that we, too, are called to withdraw at certain intervals. It is when we are alone with God in silence, she said, that “we accumulate the inward power which we distribute in action.”

She was following the advice of her own teacher. Jesus did the same after he fed the multitudes the loaves and fishes. He told his disciples to go into the boat ahead of him, and “when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.” With a somewhat lighter touch on the same topic, John Barrymore once joked that “God said it is not good for man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief!”

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief. That’s when drawing boundaries [saying no politely, of course] is appropriate. When your energy is ebbing, it’s time to shift gears from an active orientation of giving energy to a receptive one of receiving. It’s time to plug back in to your energy source and do what most reenergizes you—whether it’s walking in nature, listening to a favorite piece of music, playing a game, or simply closing your eyes, doing nothing, and taking a long, deep breath.

Getting to know you

Instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits and pumping yourself up with more stimulants so that you can fulfil more commitments to others, honouring yourself calls for a different habit. It asks you to become conscious of what you need, right now, inside and out. In order for you to do what you must to regain balance, and to remember to do it tomorrow and the next day and the next, you first have to know yourself.

“I know myself”—it’s one of the most profound statements we can ever make. Self-knowledge, after all, is the ultimate goal extolled by mystics and masters the world around. Inscribed in the forecourt of Apollo’s temple at Delphi was the famous command “Know thyself.” The Book of Thomas the Contender says, “He who has not known himself has known nothing,” and the Zohar, from the Jewish mystical tradition of the Kabbalah, encourages, “Go to your self, know your self, fulfill your self.”

One of the reasons you may not take specific actions to fill your own needs is simply that you don’t really know yourself at the most basic level. You don’t know how you really feel and what you really need. While “knowing yourself” is a lifelong goal that has deeper and deeper layers of meaning, you can take tiny steps toward that goal every day. Here’s a simple question that can help you refocus on what you need to do to come back into balance: What do I need right now to be happy?

When I’ve asked myself that question, I often answer that to do my most creative work, I need quiet and I need regular doses of fresh air out in nature. Yet awareness alone is not enough. If I don’t care enough to honor myself, to put those needs on my priority list, I won’t remember to turn to those antidotes when I begin to feel cranky and anxious. When things start spinning out of control, unless I make a point of asking myself that question again and again, I forget to fill my lungs with fresh air. I forget to take control and create the quiet I need by turning off the phones, refusing to look at my e-mail, or physically moving myself to a quiet spot to work.

A friend who works out of her home reminded me of how empowering it can be to know yourself and then act on that knowing. One day I asked her when was the best time for us to meet. She immediately replied in a straightforward way, “It’s better for me to meet in the late afternoon. If I go out in the morning, I am tempted to start doing errands. I stop here and there on my way back to my office, and I just don’t get the work done that I need to do.” She knew that much about herself and therefore she could set up a schedule that was best for her. Like many of the methods for honoring yourself, this doesn’t sound difficult, but it takes practice. The change starts with watching yourself, getting to know yourself, and then translating that knowledge into action that honors your needs.

The post Living in balance: As within so without appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One reason why these decision points become a tricky tightrope walk for so many of us is because we tend to feel guilty when we’re not giving to others or meeting their demands. We’ve been told that “it’s better to give than to receive”. But we forget that to keep on giving our best to others, we must also give to ourselves—and see ourselves as worthy of receiving.

Admittedly, when we ignore our own needs, it’s not a pretty picture. Not only do we become grouchy and unhappy but the people around us become miserable too. Instead of nagging, complaining, and blaming others when you feel off-kilter, try these 10 strategies for honoring yourself so you can free up your energy and focus on what’s really important.

10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself and Make Yourself a Priority

1. Be honest

You cannot honor yourself unless you are first honest with yourself. Quite often, we do not take the time to care for ourselves because we don’t even realize we are hurting ourselves.

The busyness of the day can drown out our inner voice. Check in with yourself regularly, even if it’s once a day, and ask yourself: What am I feeling now? What are those feelings trying to tell me? If they could talk, what would they say? If you have a hard time identifying your true feelings and needs, buy a journal, take some quiet time, and start writing down the answers to those questions. Writing can be an effective way to bring hidden feelings to the surface.

2. Plug back in

During the natural ebb and flow of our days, we all need relief. When your energy is dipping, it’s time to shift gears from an active to a receptive mode. If you don’t take time to satisfy your own needs, you’ll find that you actually sabotage yourself because you can’t concentrate on the task at hand. The trick is to recognize when you need to recharge before you become physically or emotionally wiped out. Then make time to plug back into your energy source and do what re-energizes you—whether you take a walk in nature, meditate, listen to a favorite piece of music, get a massage, go away for the weekend, play a game, or simply close your eyes, do nothing, and take a few long, deep breaths.

3. Draw healthy boundaries

Learning to draw boundaries is a skill. If you are not used to doing that, it can feel uncomfortable at first. Start by practising on small issues. Turn off your phone when you need to concentrate, rather than being at everyone’s beck and call, ask a family member to make dinner, or tell friends you’re not available when you want to spend an evening alone. As you learn to set boundaries in situations like these, you will find it easier to deal with larger issues that surface.

Related » To prevent burnout, set clear boundaries

4. Ask for support but make your own decisions

When you’re unclear about how to deal with a situation, don’t be shy about asking for support. Seeking help shows that you deeply care about yourself and for those who will be impacted by your choices and that you are willing to do what it takes to make the best decision. Reach out to someone who is not emotionally invested in the issue you are dealing with or who has expertise in that field. Once you get advice and a healthy dose of perspective from someone you respect, turn within and be sure to honor yourself by making your own final decision.

5. Write a love letter to yourself

Have a problem with self-esteem? Don’t worry; many of us do. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and then criticize ourselves when we don’t meet them. Yet the world’s sages, not to mention the top management gurus, tell us that life is a continual learning process. Try this tip to cheer yourself when the going gets rough: Write a loving and encouraging note to yourself as if you were your own coach or cheerleader. Then pop it in an envelope and mail it to yourself [that’s right—by snail mail]. When you’re traveling, send a postcard with an inspiring message to your home address. Right before shutting down your email for the night, send yourself a message of appreciation so that you’ll see it first thing in the morning when you check your inbox. Develop the habit of voting for yourself no matter what is happening around you. These little things you do are powerful ways to honor yourself.

Related » The most difficult love letter I ever wrote

6. Hang out with people who celebrate you

If you are in a relationship with someone who constantly judges and belittles you, you have a duty to remove yourself from that toxic energy by saying goodbye for good. Allowing yourself to be pressured or pummeled by those who don’t appreciate your inner gifts will only eat away at your energy and enthusiasm, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or even sick. It’s not your job to fit into someone else’s mold of who they think you should be. Your job is to be you.

Related » Feeling stuck in life? Check the company you keep

7. Speak up

Most people aren’t mind readers. Clearly communicate your needs by letting others know what you need. When you disagree with a friend about what to do on a holiday, don’t be the one who always gives in and then wastes time stewing about it for days. Make sure both of your needs are met. If the food you order at a restaurant is cold or overcooked, flag down the waiter and respectfully point out the problem rather than complaining about it later. When someone at work spreads dangerous rumors or lies that jeopardize your job, don’t retreat and complain to friends behind closed doors or torture yourself with worry. Take action. Don’t blame or shame others by calling them names or criticizing them, but calmly focus on the words they said. There may be a real misunderstanding that you now have the opportunity to clear up. Address any misconceptions with facts to support your case. Even if others don’t accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and can feel free to move on.

8. Create spaces in your relationships

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case. In fact, you may get irritated with those you love simply because you need some regular time apart, some breathing space. Do you encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests? Take some dedicated time for your own self-development, hobbies, or spiritual growth and allow your partner to do the same. This way you will honor yourself and your partner. What’s great about this that you’ll end up having more to offer each other as a result.

9. Put yourself at the top of your to-do list

Don’t wait until you’ve checked off all the items on your daily to-do list before giving yourself what you need—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be sure to schedule dedicated time on your calendar for yourself so that you aren’t the item that gets constantly bumped off the list for yet another day. Recharging your batteries is not optional. It’s a bona fide part of your schedule. It’s exactly what you need to stay healthy and in balance so you can give your best to your loved ones and the world.

10. Share your life wisdom

Each one of us has a particular wisdom we have garnered through our life experiences. Be sure to draw from your well of wisdom to help others. Don’t know where to start? Think about a challenging experience that taught you something valuable, or an insight from a book, or a talk that sparked an “aha!” moment for you. At the right time, share that insight with someone you think would benefit from the lessons you’ve learned, whether it’s a colleague, a stranger you’ve struck up a conversation with, or a member of a community group you belong to. You honor yourself when you value the gifts and lessons you have been given and then offer that precious wisdom from your heart to uplift the hearts of others.

Start to Honor Yourself Today

Starting today, you can honor yourself by taking small but meaningful steps. Begin with one or two of these actions:

1. Pause and check in – Take a few minutes to sit quietly and ask yourself how you’re really feeling. Acknowledge your needs without judgment.
2. Set a boundary – Choose one area where you feel overextended and practice saying “no” or delegating a task to someone else.
3. Schedule self-care – Block out 15-30 minutes on your calendar today to do something that recharges you, like taking a walk, meditating, or reading a book.
4. Affirm yourself – Write a quick note of encouragement or appreciation to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of receiving care and attention too.

By taking these small steps, you’ll start building a habit of honoring yourself, making self-care a natural part of your life.

Summing up

Honoring yourself is not a luxury; it’s a necessity for living a balanced and fulfilling life. When you honor yourself, you make yourself a priority; you give yourself the space to grow, recharge, and thrive. By setting healthy boundaries, being honest about your needs, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you’re not just nurturing your own well-being—you’re also equipping yourself to show up fully for others. Ultimately, when you begin to honor yourself, you also begin to live with more purpose, energy, and joy. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation for everything else.

The post 10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“The beginning and the end reach out their hands to each other”
—Chinese proverb

Endings can be tough. When someone or something pulls the rug out from under you, you may find yourself drowning in a sea of emotions ranging from grief and anger to fear or blame.

Whether you’ve experienced a recent loss or are struggling with a painful ending you’ve never come to grips with, you can get unstuck and move forward by taking two important steps. First, learn to challenge the myths about endings that may have settled, unquestioned, into your mind and heart. Then pull out your toolkit [provided in part two of this article] and choose the right tools to help you move beyond the myths to the magic of letting go—of honouring the ending and releasing energy-draining regrets. Here are some of the most dangerous myths that can keep you trapped in the past plus some powerful tools that can free you from pain and help you move on more quickly.

Myth: If an ending comes into my life, something must be wrong.

Magic: Endings are a natural part of life’s cycles. I honour myself by accepting them and the transformations they bring.

We’ve all been told that change is good for us. At least that’s what sages, psychologists and management gurus say. Why, then, do we tend to dig in our heels and so fiercely resist the changes that inevitably come to our doorsteps? This is because, for one, we cling to the false belief that endings are not natural—that if an ending comes into our lives, something must have gone terribly wrong.

Yet that’s not what nature teaches us. Each day, each season, each full moon comes to an end to allow a new cycle of regeneration to begin again. Endings are not exceptions to the rule; they are the rule. Our inner and outer worlds are governed by that same cycle of change and transformation. Every one of us takes part in the universal dance of transformation as our outworn habits, relationships and ways of seeing give way to new ones.

Although it might not seem so at first, every ending has its purpose and its gift. To help you awaken to this truth, when you experience an ending of any sort, think of it as a graduation or a promotion. Graduations not only signal the end of an era in your life but also celebrate the beginning of a new one. That’s why they’re called ‘commencement’ exercises.

Endings, like graduations, often come because we are ready for a new lesson to begin or have exhausted the opportunities that our current situation has to offer. Endings show us that we need a change of scene to bring new people and new possibilities into our lives.

That is exactly what a friend of mine experienced when she broke up with her boyfriend of six years. For quite a while afterwards, she had gnawing doubts that saying goodbye had been the right thing to do, even though her ex had treated her badly and even cheated on her. It took her months to let go of regrets and see that this ending was good for her. She had, in fact, become root-bound in that relationship. Like a plant that atrophies in a pot that is too small to contain its growing root system, she had run out of room to grow in the relationship. Her partner’s immature behaviour was simply life’s way of moving her to more fertile ground. In reality, she had been promoted—and he had been fired.

Endings are not exceptions to the rule; they are the rule

Once she finally accepted her ‘promotion’, she could experience the gifts it brought with it. She had more energy, made wonderful new friends, and even mustered up the courage to find a new job where her talents were appreciated and she could grow.

My friend’s initial reaction is typical of what we all tend to do when faced with an ending, whether it’s a deteriorating relationship, a job change, or even the prospect of finding a new place to live. When an ending is in the wings getting ready to walk on stage, we may develop a desperate urge to hold on to what we are comfortable with. We frantically want to ‘fix’ the situation, when our inner self is asking us to transcend it altogether. But we only prolong our pain by refusing to accept that the ending is really choreographed by our own soul for our own good.

If you catch yourself reacting to an impending ending with resistance, bitterness or anger, take a moment to compassionately remind yourself that endings are not only natural but necessary. Take the time you need to grieve and process a serious loss, but then look forward with wonder and expectation, knowing that you needed to turn off the road you were travelling on to meet that something new that is awaiting you. Take a page from the I Ching, the ancient book of wisdom, which advises, “When the way comes to an end, then change—having changed, you pass through.”

Myth: If I let go of this relationship, job, or situation, I may never get a better opportunity.

Magic: When I say goodbye to a situation that isn’t right for me, I create the space for a new gift to enter my life.

Have you ever been afraid to make a change in your life, even when you are unhappy or frustrated, thinking, “If I give up what little I have, I may never find anything better”? Have you ignored what your feelings are trying to tell you, turning to logic instead to find the direction you’re looking for? While our feelings can certainly carry us off course at times, they are also a pathway to the truth—your inner truth—if you listen to them.

It’s essential to evaluate your feelings as you would any other piece of information you gather so that you can make an emotionally intelligent choice in every situation. Logic alone won’t get you there. In the words of the great Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore, “A mind all logic is like a knife all blade; it makes the hand bleed that uses it.”

Lani discovered how life-changing it could be to follow through on what her feelings were telling her when she was unexpectedly faced with an issue that challenged both her career and her character. She thought she had finally found the perfect job. It was in the right location and on the right career track, and she was working directly with the owner of the company as his assistant. Then one day she discovered that her boss was dealing unethically with his clients. She knew this was wrong and hoped that something or someone would come along to correct the situation so she wouldn’t have to rock the boat. But nothing changed, and Lani knew that she could not let the situation go unchallenged. When she finally mustered the courage to speak to her boss, he brushed aside her concerns. So she told him that if he didn’t stop his behaviour, she would quit in one week. Seven days later, Lani found herself walking out the door with nothing but a small box of her belongings in her arms.

Your feelings are a pathway to the truth—your inner truth—if you listen to them

As she paused in the downstairs lobby of the office building to catch her breath, wondering what she would do now with no job, no severance package, and no leads, an older, well-dressed gentleman stopped next to her. He was having some trouble opening his new briefcase. Lani instinctively offered to help and figured out the problem right away.

“You’re clever,” the man said, thanking her.

“If I’m so clever,” she shot back without thinking, “then maybe you should hire me!”

As it turned out, the man was looking for a good office manager. Lani was a great fit for the job. “He was so respectful, and that new job paid much more than the old one,” she later told me. “I really didn’t have to be worried at all about taking a stand for what I believed in or about leaving that job.” In fact, the universe was just waiting for her to make room in her life to receive the gift of this new job. Sometimes walking away is the right way to be walking. It creates an opening for life to work its magic.

Myth: By forgiving others, I am condoning their behaviour and dishonouring myself.

Magic: By forgiving, I am honouring myself. I am affirming that I am greater than what others think of me or do to me.

Do you still feel sad or angry about an ending in your life—a relationship break-up, a harsh word from a friend, a job you didn’t get? Whether you realise it or not, holding on to the past with regret means that you’re operating with less than 100 per cent of your energy in the present. Regrets divide your attention and sap your energy. One way to reclaim your energy is to plug the holes by forgiving and saying goodbye to those energy-draining regrets. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential if you want to live fully and share the best of yourself with others.

The real reason we don’t forgive more easily is that we harbour misconceptions about what forgiveness is and what happens when we forgive. The picture many of us have in our heads is that forgiveness is for weaklings. We think forgiving is giving in to a bully who has no business pushing us around. We may also believe that by forgiving, we are condoning the perpetrator’s harmful behaviour and giving that person the green light to keep acting that way. Those are no more than myths.

Forgiveness does not require that you approve of another’s outrageous behaviour or foolishly subject yourself to it again. You can forgive and still take steps to protect yourself. You can forgive and still be clear about what you will not accept in your life from now on. Likewise, forgiveness does not wipe out the fact that an action someone took was despicable. The act of forgiveness does not excuse any of us from being accountable for the harm we have done.

Regrets divide your attention and sap your energy

By forgiving, you are simply honouring yourself. You are affirming that you are greater than what others think of you or do to you. You are showing yourself and others that no one has the power to define who you are just because they treated you a certain way. Author Rabbi Harold Kushner once explained this to a resentful woman in his community who was struggling to support three children after her husband walked out on them. When she asked him how she could possibly forgive this man, he told her, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did was acceptable. It wasn’t… I’m asking you to forgive because he doesn’t deserve the power to live in your head and turn you into a bitter, angry woman.”

It’s not what others do to us that defines who we are. Our attitude, our actions, the quality of our heart—how we treat ourselves and well as others—is what defines who we are and how our life unfolds.

Myth: By refusing to forgive, I am in control.

Magic: What I do not forgive controls me. By forgiving, I free myself.

Many of us have come to believe that by refusing to forgive others, we are cutting them out of our lives, thereby ending our connection with them. But continuing to hold a grudge—emphasis on the word hold—is no ending at all. By harbouring bitterness, resentment, or even the desire for revenge, we remain mentally and emotionally invested in what happened. That only keeps us in relationship with—connected with—the very people we want to cut out of our lives.

Attention is energy. Whenever you place your attention on another person or thing, you are creating a flow of energy between the two of you. It doesn’t matter if your thoughts are loving or filled with irritation and anger. In either case, you are creating an energy bond that is fed by your attention. And, for better or for worse, where you attention goes, your energy goes.

When you understand this energy equation, it’s easy to see that you automatically tie yourself to anyone you continue to hate, resent, or be angry with. You may think that rancour is the right response when you want to distance yourself from others, but at energetic levels your bitterness binds you to them. It strengthens the connection.

Continuing to hold a grudge is no ending at all

Although we may fool ourselves into thinking that withholding forgiveness gives us a measure of control, in reality whatever we allow to siphon off our valuable energy and attention controls us. When we do not forgive, it is we who suffer. Perhaps you’ve heard this saying that puts it even more strongly: not forgiving someone is like drinking poison—and expecting the other person to die.

A graphic portrayal of what happens when we hold on to our anger comes from the movie Return of the Jedi in the Star Wars series. During the climactic scene, the evil emperor and Darth Vader are face to face with Luke Skywalker. The emperor has been patiently waiting for the opportunity to turn Luke to the Dark Side, just as he had done to Darth Vader many years before. As the emperor and Luke confront each other, the old man goads Luke as he spits out these words: “The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it… Strike me down with it.”

Then the emperor sums up exactly what anger and non-forgiveness do to us as he says to Luke, “Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant.” The emperor knew that the more we hate, the more we surrender ourselves to the object of our hatred. Fortunately, Luke controls himself before it is too late. By putting his attention back on his real self and on love, he not only saves himself but is also able to bring Darth Vader back to the Light Side.

Lest you think that all this sounds a bit too intangible and that the benefits of forgiveness are metaphysical mumbo jumbo, know that a burgeoning field of research is proving otherwise. Studies have shown that holding on to blame, hostility, and anger can harm us in very tangible ways. One study, for instance, showed that unforgiving thoughts prompted significantly higher heart rates and blood pressure changes, whereas forgiving thoughts were accompanied by lower physiological stress responses. In research with people who suffered from chronic low back pain, those who were able to forgive had lower levels of pain and less anger and depression than those who had not forgiven. In another study, women who had forgiven the fathers of their children for transgressions had less symptoms of anxiety and depression as well as a greater sense of self-acceptance and purpose in life than unforgiving women.

The opportunity to forgive, then, is just that—a stunning opportunity for you. Will you allow another’s immature behaviour to define you now and forever? Will you let the incident forever define the person who hurt you? What someone else says or does can only continue to weigh you down if you carry around the memories of those actions like a perpetual sack of good-for-nothing stones strapped to your back. How freeing to just put down the load and move on. How much faster and farther you can travel. Without the burden, you can even fly.

4 tips for honouring endings, releasing regrets, and moving on

Rather than facing endings with bitterness, regret, or hatred, try these four energy-boosting tips that can help you honour the ending and move on.

Tip #1 – Reframe endings as graduations

While it’s natural at first to react to painful endings with bitterness, try to resist the temptation to automatically label an ending as ‘bad’ and pull the covers over your head [or drown your sorrows in a bag of chocolates or a shopping binge you can’t afford]. Instead, take this turn of events as an unerring message that it’s time to move to higher ground.

Try this

Practise seeing any ending or seemingly negative situation as full of promise, even though you don’t yet see what it will bring you. Perhaps the ending came because you ‘graduated’ from this circumstance or you need to learn a new soul lesson in another venue. Perhaps you can only find and hone your unique talents by being with a new circle of friends. What if the situation you were suddenly booted out of held a hidden danger for you? Every ending holds its own gift. Opening your mind and heart to receive it will keep you moving forward, not looking backward.

Tip #2 – Bring closure by being proactive

If you’ve done something in the past that still plagues you, consider taking action to set things right. Rather than allowing recurring thoughts about the incident to continually weigh you down with regrets or sorrow, lighten your load by changing how the story ends.

Try this

Find those you may have hurt and apologise to them, even if the incident took place years ago. Replace the object you destroyed or the money you deprived the other person of. If you can’t work with the person involved for some reason, assign yourself a task that will at least begin to balance the scales for what happened. For example, do volunteer work, donate to a charity, help an elderly neighbour with chores or mentor a child. Allow yourself to bring closure by being proactive.

Tip #3 – Create your own ritual of release

Doing something to physically mark an ending can help you release regrets once and for all. Create a ritual that has meaning for you, but always make it physical to give it finality. And don’t forget to perform your ritual with the intent to free yourself and move on.

Try this

Hold a shell or stone; mentally pour your feelings about a past incident into it, and then fling that object into a stream or off the side of the mountain as you see and feel the situation disappear from your life. Or you can write down your feelings on paper along with a simple statement of surrender. You can ask God [or use whatever name you prefer to address the creative Spirit of the universe] for help in letting go and finding peace. Then safely burn the letter, watching it and the issue dissipate in smoke. Let those ashes remind you of the phoenix who, at the end of its life, ignites its nest and is consumed by the fire. From the ashes of its own ending, a new phoenix emerges. Know that you, too, have the phoenix inside of you.

Tip #4 – Write a new story

One incident in your life, no matter how painful, is still just one incident. It doesn’t define your entire life—unless you let it. You have the power to create the rest of the story. When you choose to stop talking about and dwelling on the past, and focus instead on healthy new choices for yourself, you are saying, “I am greater than what others say about me or do to me.”

Try this

Each time you catch yourself complaining about or dwelling on a negative experience from the past, stop. Remember—what you concentrate on is what you energise. Instead of looking back, ask yourself: What new and positive outcomes do I want to show up in my life? Start focussing on and talking out loud about your new plans with excitement. Ask your friends to support you by doing the same rather than continually dredging up the past or treating you like a victim. You are the author of the next chapter of your life. Start your rewrite right now. Grab a piece of paper and write down in detail the answer to these questions: What do I want the next chapter of my life to look like and feel like? What new characters will be a part of the next scenes of my life story? What one step can I take today to turn my storyline in this new direction?

The post Walk out on your past! Learn to let go, move on and release regrets appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.