Well, yes. But self-care can do much more than that. Taking care of yourself doesn’t just make you feel good but it also can lead to better relationships with others.

A happy and successful relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have thought about the connection between the two before. But how and why? Let’s look at four big reasons.

1. Self-care creates a space for you

It’s so important in any relationship to have space for yourself. All too often, especially when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we can lose our sense of self and forget what makes us individuals.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is bad or unhealthy—sometimes, we just slip into these habits. We end up doing everything together; we have couple activities and couple goals and couple accomplishments.

And while it is amazing to be able to share your life with a person you love, it’s important that you still take some time for yourself and don’t lose your identity. If you’re constantly doing everything together, chances are that you’re probably compromising on some of the things you want.

Taking a step back and practising giving yourself some love and care creates a space for you—for your wants and needs. So, if you love reading, carve some time out in your evening to get comfy on the sofa with a good book while your other half watches the TV. If there’s a hobby that you adore like gardening or yoga but you’ve let it slide recently because you’ve both been caught up with social commitments, bring it back into your life. And don’t forget to make time for your friends and family—not just your “couple” friends!

2. Self-care = a happy you = a happy relationship

Learning to love yourself is so important for your own personal happiness.

We’re generally not taught by society to love ourselves. We learn from a very early age to look at ourselves harshly: magnifying our flaws, comparing ourselves to others, and slipping into negative self-talk all too easily. We’re our own worst critics.

Self-care can help you to learn to love yourself: it teaches you to treat yourself well, to nourish your body and mind with kindness and love. Part of this includes tending to your physical needs, like eating well, adding regular exercise into your routine, and getting enough sleep so that you feel rested and rejuvenated.

It also means tending to your emotional and mental health: doing things that bring you joy, spending time with people you love, and learning to be emotionally aware so that you can be kind to yourself when you need it.

When you learn to love yourself through practising self-care, it makes you a happier version of yourself. And when you’re a happy you, you’re going to enjoy a happier relationship.

3. Taking care of yourself makes you a better partner

As I said above, practising self-care helps to boost your general mood and support your mental health, making you feel happier and more balanced.

By looking after yourself and ensuring that you’re in a good headspace, you are giving yourself the emotional capacity and availability to provide support for your other half too.

If we’re feeling low, stressed or tense for whatever reason, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be able to support to a partner who is feeling the same—and that’s if we even notice. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our own problems that we miss what’s going on right in front of us.

When we’re struggling emotionally, we’ll probably snap and lash out instead, not having the emotional capacity, empathy or patience to be able to deal with another person’s problems. This can result in feeling distant from each other, arguing, and disconnection.

Self-care helps you to feel happier, rested and less stressed, which means you’re in a better position to provide emotional support to your partner if they need it. This is so important in a relationship: you need to be able to support each other equally. If one of you is doing most of the emotional heavy-lifting, then that’s going to take its toll on your relationship and your wellbeing.

4. Self-care stops resentment—on both sides

Giving up self-care when you’re in a relationship doesn’t make you a martyr or a better partner to your other half. If anything, it makes you more difficult to live with and be in a relationship with.

This may sound counter-intuitive—after all, we can sometimes associate self-care with selfishness—but it actually makes a lot of sense. Your significant other wants you to be happy, fun and fulfilled in your relationship.

Not taking care of your emotional and physical needs properly means that you’re probably not as happy as you could be. In fact, it will probably result in you being distracted, moody, irritable or stressed—which can be frustrating and upsetting to your partner.

Similarly, if you’re constantly doing things for other people (like your significant other) and never doing anything for yourself, there’s probably going to be some resentment building up. You might not realise it to start with, but you could easily end up feeling resentful and underappreciated by your partner.

Practising self-care and giving yourself enough love and attention will make you feel happier and more fulfilled—and these positive emotions will feed into your relationship.

Start with small steps today

A happy relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have connected the two before. Looking after yourself and your personal needs will help you to be a better partner: giving you the emotional capacity to be there for your other half, and strengthening your relationship.

Don’t let it fall by the wayside; start taking small steps to add more self-care into your life and you’ll see the positive impact this will have on your relationship too.

The post Why self-care is the key to a happy relationship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here’s a simple story to illustrate:

“Sonia and Raj were introduced to each other for the first time by a mutual friend. Raj was a very quiet guy, while Sonia was an extrovert who loved to talk. At first both of them did not talk too openly. This was because they were not ready to trust the other. As their mutual friend orchestrated the conversation, Raj and Sonia found out that they both love to travel. An emotional connection was established due to the common love for travel. They started speaking about the subject and, through the conversation, they built familiarity and trust. By the end of the meeting, they exchanged phone numbers on the pretext of keeping each other updated about their adventures.”

This is a classic example of simple trust being built between two people.

Trust is like a burning candle on a windy night. When guarded, it can produce warmth & illuminate the path. If not treated tenderly, it could leave one in the dark.

Genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of their intentions and integrity. Trust is essential for every healthy and happy relationship.

But building trust in a relationship is not easy. It takes effort. It is like tending to a plant—one has to be patient.

Trust is created when both the partners are ready to risk their vulnerability. This is the risk of being hurt by the other, which is taken willingly. There are no shortcuts to building trust. It takes an investment of time and emotion to create a beautiful bond.

Trust creates an expectation that our significant other will act/react in a certain way to situations. When this expectation is not met, it leads to broken trust. Trust once broken is hard, if not impossible to mend. If both the partners are willing and desire to rebuild broken trust, then trust building exercises can help them achieve it.

Let’s look at a few trust building exercises for couples. If you’re short on time and need to skim through, skip to the infographic at the end of the article — it has all the information condensed into one image.

6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

Emotional transparency

Understanding a partner’s feelings and emotions is essential for building trust. In the same way, making one’s feelings known to one’s partner plays a vital role to strengthen the bond. Being truthful about oneself helps both partners understand each other better. The prospect of being open and vulnerable always may be daunting. But it helps couples become more accepting of each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities, thus strengthening the bond.

Exercise

Sit down with each other. Create an ambience of comfort and openness. Laugh a bit. Start recounting the whole day and events of the day. Communicate all the feelings experienced throughout the day. Encourage your partner to do the same. Most importantly, stay open and non judgemental.

Eye Contact

Try to count the number of people you make constant eye contact with during a day. You could count them on one hand, right? A sign of deep trust and comfort with a person is the ability to make eye contact. If you observe young children, one can clearly see how they make a judgement of a person just by looking at the eyes.

The eyes help one see into the depths of a person. That said, when one can make constant eye contact with a partner, it shows deep trust between the couple.

Exercise

Every time you communicate with your partner, make sure to maintain a soft eye contact. Do not stare, keep it simple. If it feels uncomfortable, do not force yourself. Remember, trust builds over time.

Group Activities

An individual’s behaviour within a group is different as compared to a one-to-one interaction. This also applies to couples. When in groups, couples behave differently than how they act in private. It becomes essential that the couples can predict how their partners will act when in public. The below example will illustrate,

“Pooja and Raj, who have been together for a few months, decide to have a dinner date with their friends Rahul and Reena who have been married for a year. Post dinner, Pooja decides to feed a spoon of ice-cream to Raj from her own bowl. Raj, on the other hand, feels rather uncomfortable being fed by his wife and declines. Pooja’s face turns red as she decides to have the ice cream herself.”

A moment of discomfort was created as Pooja and Raj were unsure of each other’s behaviour. This shows a lack of trust and understanding between the couple.

Exercise

Participate in people events which both you and your partner enjoy. Events like food tasting, wine tasting, dance classes, parties etc. can be a good opportunity to develop trust. Make sure to be accommodating of your partner’s behaviour so that they are accommodating of yours. Learn to adjust and adapt.

Respect Space and Boundaries

The people in our life, whether spouse or parents or friends, are co-passengers on a journey. We consciously choose to travel with each other to make our journey more joyful. But we must remember, it’s “our” journey. As a couple, you may spend a lot of the journey together, but you also spend a part of the journey away from each other. Respecting this space is essential to build trust. Let your partner enjoy their time on their own. Maybe they like to watch a TV show alone, or watch a game of football with their office peers. Have boundaries and respect them. This helps to make the relationship sweeter and strengthen trust.

Exercise

This is perhaps the most important of all trust building exercises for couples. Encourage your partner to take up activities that they love. These needn’t be group activities. Many a times, we stop enjoying our hobbies after marriage or engaging in a relationship. Encourage your partner to take up any such activities which they previously enjoyed. At the same time, reflect to see how you have changed. Make it a point to have some alone time to rejuvenate your mind and body.

Be Truthful

The most important aspect of a successful relationship is a truthfulness. This is perhaps the most commonly spoken about trait but is also the hardest to live by. You and your partner may not always be ready to accept each other’s truths or ideas but the most successful relationships are based solely on truth and acceptance. Embracing truth will no doubt lead to temporary ups and downs but it makes and keeps a relationship strong.

Exercise

Every night, sit down with your partner and practice confessions. These need not always be negative or pertaining to apologies. It could even be a positive confession like ‘how you helped a poor boy today’ or ‘how you felt embarrassed when something happened’. Remember, no lie is innocent.

Practise Patience

Probably the most overlooked aspect of building trust between people is patience. Trust grows with time. It’s like a plant which needs to be tended to regularly, so that one day it blooms. It doesn’t happen overnight in any circumstance. There isn’t a prescribed duration to which one can set a timer. It is different for every person.

Exercise

Patience is not only a virtue for a successful relationship, but also for a successful life. You can practice patience by actually planting a seed in your garden and then nurture and co-grow it with your partner. Plant a seed of each of your favourite flowers and tend to them. You will see that as the plant blooms, so does the relationship.

Make sure to share this article with your loved one, because it takes two to tango! Together, both of you treat these six exercises like games that you will play with each other to help you lay a strong foundation of trust in your relationship.

The post 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples [The definitive guide] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why is there anger in marriage?

Most people, both perpetrators and recipients, seem almost helpless in the face of anger and, having suffered for some time, either want relief from the caustic “feelings within” or from the results of expressed anger afflicting them. But one cannot remove something that is not understood. So, the first question to be asked is “What is anger?”

Anger is not just another emotion. It is a unique kind of emotion, because its first incarnation is as an instinctive reaction [though after its first appearance, it becomes an “invited” emotion]. Anger is not an innate part of one’s higher consciousness, because emotions are not innate—they are part of the cooperative system between the physical body and the ego-based mind. The purpose of anger is to protect the physical form from dangers.

When the mind becomes aware of something that suggests danger, it reacts, such reaction being instinctive. In other words, it is not a well thought out response, but an automatic one that is designed to shut off all thoughts and analysis, lest we are too slow to respond to the danger.

So, the first mental reaction to danger is “anger”. The mind perceives itself to be in danger when it does not get its way. So we can then say that anger is the instinctive reaction of the mind when it does not get its way.

The unregulated mind

The trouble arises when the mind, unregulated, continues to lower the thresholds of danger with each instance of perceived trouble. Because there is nobody controlling the mind, its automatic functions are not guided by human intelligence; the mind mechanically chooses for us what it considers dangerous. Because of their samskaras (values), some individuals have much lower thresholds than others while others have learned to “manage” their anger. Still others, through holy indifference or daya, have risen above their emotions. But know for certain: until we begin the arduous practice of managing our mind, our emotions will rule our lives, affecting not only ourselves but also those closest to us.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and pain is the prod to liberation. The mind, due to the innate drive to survive, is constantly reminding us that we are perfect in our wisdom—what a joke!

None of us are afraid to declare “I am not perfect”. Yet, in our day-to-day existence, we rarely admit to being wrong. Surely you can see this conundrum in your own life. Well, this defines the battle of battles within, between atman [consciousness] and maya [play of the world]. And we generally pay no heed to the signals, until we can no longer stand the “pain”. The pain caused by anger.

Steps to deal with anger in marriage

Whether you are a man or a woman, a loose cannon of anger, or guilt-ridden because of what you might have said or done due to anger, or if you are walking on eggshells because of your spouse’s anger, now you have had enough, and you are willing to do the work, to make the effort, to deal with anger. Good for you!

Now, that you understand that anger is a “force” which is not you, let’s see what you can do to control it, if you are the one who is the perpetrator. Alternately, if you are the “victim” of an angry spouse/partner, you have to know how to deal with them as well as your own anger.

If you follow these prescriptions, you will not have to fear anger ever again.

When anger arises within your mind it feels like everything has to give way to it. But that is only because you have not learned to disassociate from it, or see it objectively. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is simple, but it will not be easy, not in the beginning. But over time, your mind will bend to your will, and you will have more and more control. In order to get a good foothold, you should be hyper vigilant in the beginning of your efforts!

As soon as you feel it, stop the mind

Say to it, out loud if the situation allows (the subconscious mind is more impressionable to sound), “mind, stop, we are not in danger!” Be forceful, and do not allow the physical sensations to convince you that you “are” angry; you cannot be angry, you are atman (consciousness). Next, you can now decide whether you wish to go along with the “feelings” called anger, or turn the mind to a more positive view of what triggered you, and a more positive outward response.

Don’t think the feelings will simply disappear. Those feelings are purposeful to the animal body, and your mind has been reduced to an animal mind in this regard.

A human being has free will. You can choose, always. You can choose to ignore the sensations caused by anger. You can choose to observe the feelings as an intruder which is not you.

You do not have to manage the anger [it is stupid to try to redirect it; it will not be redirected into good]. But you have control over the actual energy that created the anger, and this is what you are redirecting by stopping the mind. This is where you have control, and should exercise it.

Some people who have struggled with rage for their whole lives have tried from time to time to control their fury, and have been foiled every time. While dealing with anger, the will is not strong enough. But those same people have had the will to stop themselves from going along with the anger. They have had enough willpower to step back and observe, allowing them the ability actually see how anger manipulates them and their lives.

The next step is to consider the possibilities

If you were a saint, how would you behave? Consider your ideas. If an idea is going to create a lovingly positive outcome, give it voice. Or, if the struggle continues in the mind then you need to back away from there and go someplace where you can concentrate on your mind, watching the inner triggers, hearing all the lame excuses for allowing the anger to manifest.

Your mind belongs to you. Unless you have damaged your willpower with drugs or alcohol, it is your free will that must rule your life.

Marriage is elegantly designed for happiness, and the phrase “marital bliss” is a reality. But you must do your part by feeding your spouse only love, and that is why we address anger in the case where your spouse is not in control of theirs.

Dealing with another’s ill-temper

If you are living with one who expresses their anger towards you, or your children, try the following.

In today’s world there is a lot of talk about standing up for yourself, and sometimes it is necessary to do so. But there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and being in someone’s face.

As an individual you have the ability to walk away from abuse, if only figuratively. That is the first step. If you are being abused, you can shift your mind to the role of the ultimate compassionate friend, who understands your spouse is himself being internally abused by anger.

Don’t show sympathy outwardly, because their mind will freak out, but feel sympathetic, and carefully allow their tantrum to dissipate, internally chanting, “I love you”, “I will remain your best friend” and so on. Very carefully avoid their triggers, and when they cool down again, act as if nothing happened.

This will take a great deal of strength on your part, but it works! You will have to deal with your own anger, your own sense of despair, or feelings of self-pity, and so forth. But so what? Is not life about growth? Is not life about discovering ultimate happiness? Is not life about learning how to love unconditionally?

The soul purpose of marriage is to learn to love unconditionally.

The post A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

No doubt, we want a partnership where we get along well, share common interests, and enjoy emotional satisfaction and sexual fulfilment. Perhaps there is a deeper spiritual quality of intimacy that we sense is possible, but are not sure how to nourish.

Spirituality and meditation are usually seen as an individual practice—a path toward inner peace or enlightenment. But how deep is our spiritual attainment if it doesn’t embody how we relate to one another? What needs to happen within ourselves and between us as a couple in order to actualise our longing for a deeper spiritual connection?

A spiritually-oriented partnership offers an opportunity to open our heart, deepen our compassion, and expand our connection with life through the vehicle of intimate partnership.

These are a few ways that can help you develop spiritual intimacy with your beloved

1. Seeing our partner with fresh eyes

We want to be recognised for the precious, radiant beings that we are. To ‘see’ our partner means glimpsing their beautiful essence; it means to appreciate the blessing of engaging with the sacred life force that flows through them. Viewing our partner with fresh and engaging eyes draws our loved one towards us.

Seeing another also means dealing with their humanity—attending to their feelings and needs. When our intention is to understand and accept our partner, he or she can sense our interest and caring. But love is more than good intentions; it thrives in a climate of non-judgmental attention. Love fosters a deeper intimacy as we extend our compassionate attention toward another’s world just as it is.

What you can do

One way to put your good intentions into practice is by making gentle inquiries, such as, “Please help me understand more how you are feeling about that. What do you need or want? Tell me more about what is happening inside you. I really want to understand you better.” Asking sincere questions with a tender tone of voice means putting aside your own judgments or ideas about your loved one. Empty yourself of preconceptions and remain open to surprises. Inquiring with wonder and curiosity creates a sacred space for a deeper intimacy to unfold.

2. Allowing ourselves to be seen

We allow ourselves to be seen; we take intelligent risks to reveal what’s in our heart. This means tenderly sharing our feelings when we are hurt, sad, lonely, or afraid. Building a relationship based on a sacred trust means feeling free to reveal what is vulnerably alive inside us. Trust means that we don’t need to hide.

Most people realise that good communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship; but effective communication is possible only if we are self-aware. This implies that we courageously reveal what we’re experiencing inside without blaming, shaming or attacking.

What you can do

Instead of an angry, critical comment such as, “Why do you always come home late? I never see you anymore,” take the time to pause, go inside, and mindfully uncover what you’re really feeling: “I’m missing you; I feel sad that we haven’t had much time together; I need more relaxed time with you.” This self-revealing communication is more likely to draw our partner toward us.

3. Living with an accessible, authentic heart

Seeing another person and letting ourselves to be seen require that we live with an open and accessible heart. This means getting out of our head and staying connected with our body.

A meditation or spiritual practice can help us build our relationships by making us feel more centred in our spiritual depths. Once we find inner stillness, we have more attention available for sacred listening—attuning to what our partner is experiencing. Rather than using meditation to withdraw from intimacy, we find a rhythm between attending to ourselves, which allows us to feel more peaceful, and attending to our partner from a calm and balanced place.

Resting in our quiet depths and undefended heart, we’re more able to be present with another person. Deep mutual presence opens the door to a deeply abiding and nourishing intimacy. Being together and breathing together opens us to share the sacred mystery of being alive.

What you can do

One way to connect more deeply with yourself is through a method called Focusing. This is a type of mindfulness practice developed through Dr Eugene Gendlin’s research at the University of Chicago in the 1970s. Similar to Vipassana, the essence of Focusing is being gently present with all your emotions. Make room for the full range of your feelings and longings just as they are—free of self-judgment. Accepting and honouring yourself as you are creates a foundation for accepting your partner ’as they are’. It helps you to honour your differences and cherish each other.

4. Letting in love

Many of us have blocks to receiving deeply. We may think we’re being selfish if we allow ourselves to receive love. Or, we might feel shame to relish intimate contact because we think we don’t deserve it or we’re simply not accustomed to it.

What you can do

It’s a gift to your partner to receive what he or she offers. They feel valued when their attention, love, and eye contact is received graciously. When you relish a sacred moment of giving and receiving, the line between the giver and receiver disappears. A new spiritual depth opens as giving and receiving flows simultaneously through you and your beloved.

It takes courage to uncover and reveal our deepest longings and authentic feelings. As two people practise this path with a patient and sincere heart, a sweet and tender spiritual intimacy unfolds. As an added bonus, as we develop the awareness and skills to connect with each other, we help build a world that is more peaceful and responsive to each other’s tender hearts.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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