According to Dr Brown, people who live wholeheartedly love themselves, which means treating themselves with kindness, respect, affection, and trust. A key component of that self-lovingness is accepting themselves as they are, and believing they are worthy of love just because. There isn’t a reason these folks have for deserving love from others and from themselves; there doesn’t need to be. That’s the point, actually. When we really love ourselves, we don’t set preconditions, and we don’t wait. We don’t love ourselves if. We love ourselves anyway. Warts and all, we are worthy. This statement includes you!

I love you more than I even love myself

Loving ourselves is important, because Dr Brown’s research led her to conclude that we cannot love our partner, or our kids, or our friends more than we love ourselves. No wonder so many people are hurting those they love. When we don’t love ourselves, we act in ways that may seem to be hurting just us—but there’s no such thing as a victimless crime once we’re in relationships. When we don’t love ourselves enough to work on our problems or celebrate our strengths, those around us suffer too. And if you feel so bad about yourself that you can’t enjoy your own goodness, your partner can’t enjoy you nearly as much either.

Also, research indicates that you can’t take in another person’s love very well when you believe you don’t deserve it.

When Matthew was little, his dad beat his mom in front of him. And Karen’s mother committed suicide, leaving her at the mercy of a truly wicked stepmother. We now know that childhood trauma like that changes the brain’s structure. It changes emotions and behavior. Matt and Karen are both good people who don’t feel very good about themselves. They do good things in the world, but when others try to love them, they feel undeserving. It’s hard for them to believe they’re worthwhile. So when others treat them as worthy, they usually push them away and retreat to the safety of many friends—but no one person to depend on too much.

How to recognise whether you love yourself or not

Through interviews and subsequent analyses, Dr Brown found that another hallmark of being self-loving is acceptance of others—combined with boundaries. The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can. This understanding lets them feel compassion for others, rather than anger and hate.

But that doesn’t mean everyone’s behavior is up to their standards for choosing them as a partner. If you want to find and keep love, you have to be choosy, and the other person’s character has to count. Self-loving people don’t hate those who fail to meet basic standards of decency—but they also don’t allow others to treat them any old way. They aren’t doormats. They build fences, and nobody gets through the gate without behaviours amounting to the password. The self-loving are kind but firm, holding would-be partners accountable for their actions. Their motto could be “boundaries without blame.” For example, a natural consequence of someone who stands you up could be that you don’t go out with them again. There’s no need to call them names, or hate them—in fact, those actions are against your chances to find and keep love.

The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can

What if you don’t love yourself very much right now?

Our lives are a house under constant construction. Building self-lovingness is a lifetime project. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait to find love until you are perfect at this, and your partner doesn’t have to be the paragon of self-love either.

Nobody loves themselves completely, so the first thing is to acknowledge that. You’re on the path, and this path has no end. It’s not a competition; embrace yourself right here where you are, right now in this and every moment.

But how?

In her research, Dr. Brown found that it helped people to love themselves more if they could tell their stories of shame to at least one other trustworthy person. Of course, for a lot of folks, the person they can trust is their lifemate—someone you’re trying to find. Maybe you have a close friend, though, or a therapist, who can listen to your story in a supportive, non-judgmental way. If so, that is a major step towards healing your heart.

I don’t know a trustworthy person to pour my heart out to

If you don’t have a friend or therapist standing in this gap for you, follow these science-backed steps towards change: notice, redirect, and repeat.

Notice

When you catch yourself thinking something shameful or unloving about yourself, notice.  Don’t trash-talk yourself—just notice that you are feeling, thinking, or doing something that isn’t self-loving. Gently noticing is the gateway to change. Sometimes, you might feel bad about yourself even though you’ve followed your moral code. People raised to feel chronic shame might relate to a nagging feeling that there’s just something “off” about them. For instance, say you’re feeling like you’re a bad person, even though you merely decided to stop dating someone who yelled at you. What you did was right for you; but you feel wrong. Other times, you really will do something inappropriate. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you said you’d call someone—and then you never did. That’s hurtful, and human.

The difference between shame and guilt is that shame feels like something is wrong with us; guilt feels like something is wrong with what we did. Research shows that guilt can be good.  It motivates us to apologise, or change our behaviour. Shame, though, freezes us; if we think we are bad, how can we change? Shame is the opposite of self-loving. It keeps us stuck.

So a mindset to move towards is acknowledging when we feel bad even though we’ve done nothing wrong: “I’ve got that sick feeling in my stomach, although I haven’t done a thing to deserve it.”  Or, acknowledge our feelings around our failures: “I’m feeling like crap, because I told Becky I would call her and then I chickened out.” Notice whether it’s a guilt feeling or a shame feeling—a feeling that what you did was wrong, or that you are wrong. Just notice.

Redirect

Then, redirect your thoughts to something that’s aligned with reality.”I’m sticking by my boundaries. There is every reason to stop seeing people who yell at me, and it’s my right to date people who make me feel like my best self. I’m feeling shame, but that’s because I was taught to feel wrong for having boundaries. I’m doing the loving thing for me now.” Or, “What I did was rude; it might be too late to apologise to Becky, but at least I can resolve to send a note to her, and call other people when I make promises in the future.”

Repeat

Repeat the notice-redirect chain every time you catch yourself. Over time, you’ll love yourself more!

Ultimately, we are the landlords of our lives. When we love ourselves, we have standards, and we don’t key in squatters who can’t or won’t meet them. It’s not mean. It’s what works. And what works starts with taking that first step towards loving ourselves.

The post A guide to loving yourself (and attracting a great relationship) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Are the Signs of a Depressed Partner?

Has your partner changed and become negative, often pessimistic, about almost everything? Has he or she become quieter, emotionally withdrawn, simultaneously making themselves unavailable for many family activities? Have they cut down on socializing and seem disinterested in work, family and life? Have they increased emotional eating, alcohol intake or drug usage? Has your partner become moody and is easily angered?

One client said, “My husband seems to be a shell—as if he has no soul,” and another said, “He’s no fun anymore; he’s just not the same person he was five years ago, before the depression.” One woman said, “He’s always angry.” One man said, “My wife is constantly sad, and hardly talks, yet she has so many great things in her life.” These sentiments are common. While the contributing factors in depression vary from person to person, the way depression appears ‘from the outside’ is strikingly similar.

How Does It Feel to be the Depressed Partner?

The daily walk with depression is a crippling one; relationships with self, family members, friends, colleagues and life in general, all become more difficult and painful. The depressed partner usually feels oppressed and caged in, either by self-imposed restrictions or perceived or real external limitations placed on them.

In most cases, unresolved grief and loss is at the core of depression. For men, it is often the loss of a relative, job loss or loss of emotional/physical intimacy in the primary relationship. For women it is often the loss of a child or feeling trapped in the primary relationship. He or she lives in the shadow of self-condemnation, anger and frustration. As they over-focus on their defeats and weaknesses, causing their self-esteem to plummet, they compare themselves with others unfavorably—adding more bricks to the wall of isolation around them. This anger at life eventually points inwards, as prior goals seem unattainable. They feel pressured by most obligations, leaving them feeling ‘stuck’, struggling to make decisions, and fearful of the future.

This lack of fulfillment, and a feeling that life is ‘bland’, sometimes becomes the catalyst for a ‘mid-life crisis’ or an affair; creating a change, then a temporary spark.

However, a devastating backlash of increased alienation from their spouse, self-disgust and confusion make matters worse. All these negative, repetitive thoughts create an avalanche of sad emotions, impacting the body. As depression sets in, restless sleep, reduced sex drive, impaired sexual function, appetite changes, aches and fatigue are common. Feeling numb and disassociated from life, it is common to hear a depressed person say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore” and ”I don’t know what I want.”

How to Help Your Depressed Partner?

Some partners tell their spouse to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’, which only exasperates the situation. Ideally, if your partner has depression, you can assist them by encouraging them to see a psychologist or counselor for therapy or a doctor for medication. Keep talking to your spouse and keep listening: avoid nasty ‘put down’ comments.

Depression is not just ‘in the mind’, but is physical as well; be gentle and assist where you can in practical ways around the household. Being empathetic is important, but knowing strategies is essential. I have a tool that I encourage you to use. It’s called The Crisis Wheel. I talk about it in my book Are you listening: Life is Talking to You!

Ask your spouse how they are doing in the following areas:

• Thought Patterns: Are they predominantly positive or negative?
• Self Esteem: Do they have strong self-esteem?
• Past Grief and loss: Are they frequently emotional over a past loss?
• Emotions: Are they mostly experiencing positive emotions?
• Brain chemistry: Are they eating well and exercising at least three times weekly to improve brain neurotransmitters?
• Support networks: Do they have friends they regularly socialise with?
• Passions: Are they enjoying passions/hobbies?
• Lifestyle/Career: Do they enjoy their day job and are they suffering any financial stress?

When using this Crisis Wheel for assessment, I ask the client to give me a ‘coping ‘or ‘not coping’, response, which I translate to a tick or a cross. In my book I offer strategies for these eight vital areas. Ask your spouse how they are coping in these areas. Tragically, a person who is not coping in five or more of these areas is likely to be experiencing suicidal thinking, so be brave and ask them if they have had any suicidal thoughts. Other signs to watch for that your spouse may be suicidal are: Do they feel hopeless, are they saying goodbyes, giving away possessions, putting legal affairs in order, or frequently talking about dying?

How Medicine and Therapy Can Help

Science suggests that depression is related to an imbalance in the levels of the following neurotransmitters in the brain: serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, and that depression can be hereditary. So, does depression cause the reduction in these neurotransmitters or does the reduction in the neurotransmitters cause depression? It is much like the chicken and the egg—which came first? Regardless, it is crucial that a person with depression has improved power over thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and to do this, therapy and strategies are required. When a person is coping well in most areas in their life, depression symptoms usually subside.

Your doctor can assist with antidepressant medication, which often works well in improving the balance of neurotransmitters. Overall, you need to work on two levels:

1. Keep these brain chemistry levels correct and
2. Equip the depressed spouse with strategies for coping with their relationship and life.

Many of my hundreds of counseling sessions have involved a client with depression. When you know what to look for, what you can do to help, what to avoid doing and the psychological strategies for improvement, you can make a huge change in your partner’s life, the relationship and your life. Keep talking, keep listening and keep connected to each other. Now that you know more about what your partner is going through, and that depression is an illness, not a choice, this should help you stay empathetic. Use therapeutic strategies, have hope, and support each other, through sickness and in health.

(Editor’s note: The following three sections have been added by the Complete Wellbeing editorial team to expand on the original article with additional guidance that readers frequently ask about.)

How Do You Take Care of Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed?

One of the most common patterns in couples affected by depression is the slow erosion of the non-depressed partner’s own wellbeing. The giving, the accommodating, the constant making of allowances takes a toll and somewhere along the way, the caregiver stops tending to themselves.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Neglecting one’s own emotional, physical and social needs while caring for a depressed partner creates a real risk of becoming depleted, resentful, and eventually unwell. Research shows that partners of people with depression experience significantly higher rates of stress, anxiety and burnout. The wellbeing of the supporting partner matters too.

Here are some things the non-depressed partner can do:

• Keep your social life alive. Abandoning friendships or hobbies because a partner cannot participate is a common but costly mistake. Continuing to do things that bring joy is essential for balance.
• Seek individual counseling. Talking to a therapist privately (separate from any couples work) provides a space to process frustration, grief and confusion without fear of making things worse at home.
• Set gentle but firm boundaries. Loving someone with depression does not mean absorbing their anger or putting every personal need on hold indefinitely. Boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
• Release misplaced guilt. A partner’s depression is not something the other person caused or can single-handedly cure. Releasing this burden is one of the most important steps a caregiver can take.

Caring for oneself is what makes sustainable, long-term support possible.

What Should You Not Say to a Depressed Partner?

Words carry enormous weight when someone is living with depression. What feels like encouragement or tough love to one partner can feel like rejection or shame to the other. Knowing what to avoid saying is just as important as knowing what to do.

Phrases like these are best left unsaid:

• “Just think positive.” Depression is not a matter of attitude, and saying this dismisses the very real neurological and emotional reality of what the depressed person is experiencing.
• “You have so much to be grateful for.” This deepens the depressed partner’s sense of failure and isolation. They often already know they ‘should’ feel better — and that awareness makes it worse.
• “Snap out of it” or “Toughen up.” As the article notes, this only exacerbates the situation. Depression is an illness, not a weakness of character.
• “You’re ruining our family” or “You’re impossible to live with.” Even in the most exhausted, frustrated moments, statements like these cause lasting damage to an already fragile self-esteem.
• “Other people have it worse.” This invalidates the depressed partner’s pain entirely and shuts down communication.

Simple phrases like “I’m here with you” or “I want to understand what you’re going through” go a long way. Asking questions rather than giving directives, listening more than speaking, and offering quiet physical reassurance can say more than any carefully chosen words.

Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With a Depressed Partner?

The short answer is “Yes”. But it requires honesty, effort and a shared commitment from both partners.

Depression does not have to signal the end of a relationship. For some couples, navigating it together, with the right tools and support, deepens their bond in ways they might not have anticipated. The crucial shift is in treating depression as an illness that belongs to neither partner as a personal failing, and as a challenge to be faced as a team.

A healthy relationship in this context is built on open communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their needs. It involves the depressed partner actively seeking treatment: therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination. And it involves the supporting partner maintaining their own wellbeing, so they can show up with empathy rather than exhaustion.

Couples therapy can be enormously valuable here. It creates a shared space to rebuild communication, better understand each other’s experience, and develop strategies that work for the relationship specifically.

Many couples who feel hopeless in the thick of depression find, with the right support, that what felt insurmountable became manageable, and even transformative. Depression is a chapter, not the whole story.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 21^st February 2026

The post My Partner Has Depression: How to Help Without Burning Out appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Practicing couple yoga with your partner can help build trust and boost intimacy between the two of you. Regular practice of couple yoga will help you find deep love for yourself and your partner. Not only will each of you feel centered, relaxed and confident about yourselves, but you will also begin to relate better with each other — you will find yourself being more loving, tolerant, and accepting towards your beloved.

Before you begin each session, say, “Thank you,” in advance to your partner for the spiritual experience in which you both will participate. Expressing gratitude shows your loved one that you have confidence in their ability to embark on this journey.

7 couple yoga poses to strengthen your relationship

Start by breathe slowly and deeply. Bring your attention to the present moment. Connect with your body and notice that your partner is with you too — in body, mind, and spirit. Now you can begin practising the couple yoga poses. Remember to have fun doing it while giving it your all.

1. Twin Trees

Start by standing a few feet apart from your partner, facing the front.

Next, move your palms toward each other, with the arms in a T-shape, or draw your elbows and palms together in the shape of a cactus.

Start to shift your weight onto your right foot and draw the left leg into tree pose by bending the knee and bringing the left foot to the right ankle, calf or inner thigh.

Your partner will shift the weight onto his or her left foot and bring the right foot to the left ankle, calf or inner thigh.

Help to balance each other for five breaths. Then release each other, turn around to face the back and repeat on the opposite side.

2. Couples Down Dog/ Back Bend

Start this pose with your partner in downward facing dog.

Then take your partner deeper in their stretch, by placing your feet in between his or her hands and lowering yourself onto his or her back.

Stretch your arms overhead and give yourself a backbend in this position.

Stay for several breaths and then swap places.

3. Chair Pose with Partner

Start by facing each other, standing with feet hip-width apart.

Inhale as you extend your arms out to your partner.

Holding each others hands, begin to bend your knees and squat. Make sure that the knees do not cross your feet.

Try to take your thighs as parallel to the floor as possible. In this pose, the taller partner will have to provide more support to the shorter one.

Stay in this pose for five breaths.

4. Partner Twist

Begin in a seated position, with your legs crossed and your spines touching each other.

Inhale and raise your arms over your head, holding each other’s hands or wrists, and start to lengthen the spine.

Exhale and twist to the right. As you do so, bring your right hand on your partner’s left knee and your left hand on your right knee or thigh. Your partner should mirror the movement.

Hold this pose for five breaths. Then exhale, untwist and repeat on the opposite side.

Not only does the twist assist in cleansing and detoxifying the body, but it also gives you a chance to initiate playfulness with your partner.

5. Partner Forward Fold

To begin, sit opposite each other, with both your legs extended in a V-shape.

Bring the soles of your feet together. Then extend your arms toward each other and hold your partner’s wrist or forearm. Inhale as you lengthen your spine and exhale as you start to bend forward, with your heart moving towards your partner rather than downward to the floor.

Hold for five breaths.

6. Partner Breathing

Sit crossed legged, with your back resting against your partner’s, and your spines touching each other’s. Your hands should rest on your thighs.

Allow yourself to feel and connect with your partner through inhalations and exhalations.

Start to breathe alternately with your partner, so that as you inhale, he or she exhales; conversely, as she or he inhales, you exhale. Repeat for three minutes.

This exercise helps you to connect with your partner, to be aware of your breathing, and to open your heart.

7. Boat Pose

Begin by sitting on opposite sides of the mat, keeping the legs together. Hold your partner’s hands outside your hips.

Keeping your spine straight, raise your legs and touch your sole to your partner’s. Try to find balance as you straighten your legs up to the sky.

You can start practising this pose by straightening only one leg at a time, till you find the balance.

Stay in this pose for five breaths, consciously gazing into your partner’s eyes.

To get out of the pose, slowly lower your legs and let your hands go.

This was first published in the October 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Couple yoga poses to strengthen your relationship (With photos) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.”
—Benjamin Disraeli

You had the good vibes going. You were high from the love potions coursing through your body. You were humming all the crazy-in-love songs you’ve ever heard, and for once they made total sense. You had created the honeymoon effect with the love of your life, and you knew that this time it was going to last forever.

Except, it didn’t!

It all came crashing down, and you were left devastated and obsessed with what might have been. And puzzled: how could something so magical degenerate into endless, bickering recriminations, and if you were married, divorce court?

After all, you wanted it to work. You believed it would work. Maybe The Biology of Belief works for other people, you’re thinking, but it doesn’t for you. Yes it does! But there’s a catch, which explains why positive thinking and believing, by themselves, don’t work.

A relationship created by the conscious mind

The catch is that when you bonded so closely with your partner during those first blissful days and months, your behaviours and actions were controlled by the processing of your conscious mind. The conscious mind is the ‘creative’ mind, the one that acts on behalf of your wishes and desires. So when the conscious minds of two lovers entangle, together they create magical harmony. Because honeymoon partners are operating from their deepest wishes and desires, the outcome of their interactions is… voilà, heaven on earth!

However, over time, your conscious mind becomes burdened with thoughts dealing with the busy-ness of everyday life—balancing your budget, scheduling your chores and planning your weekend. The processing of the conscious mind shifts from creating the honeymoon experience, to the management and strategies, needed to deal with perceived necessities. The result is that the conscious mind relinquishes behavioural control to default programmes previously stored in the subconscious mind.

How our subconscious mind wreaks relationships

When it comes to partners, there are suddenly four instead of two minds involved. And these two ‘extra’ subconscious minds can wreak havoc on happily-ever-after relationships. When our conscious minds stop paying attention to the moment, we lose control over our honeymoon creation because we unknowingly engage in preprogrammed behaviours we acquired through our developmental experiences. For many couples, once that subconscious programming comes to the fore, the honeymoon glow fades very quickly.

That’s not surprising because the behaviours programmed in the subconscious mind are primarily derived from observing and downloading other people’s behaviours [many of them negative and disempowering]—especially those of your parents, immediate family, community and culture. You start seeing a side of your partner [and yourself] that never emerged during the honeymoon. When the conscious mind stops paying attention to the current moment, you automatically and most importantly, unconsciously engage in behaviours you downloaded from others.

Programmes we learn from our parents

Here’s a scenario that may be all too familiar to you.

You’re basking in the honeymoon effect, full of love for your supportive partner who lights up your life. Then one day you ask him a simple, loving question. He’s not thinking about how good your relationship is. His conscious mind is preoccupied with fixing the car or paying the rent, so he responds reflexively and nastily with a tone that says, “Leave me alone.” Shocked, you respond: “Who are you?”

You have just experienced the moment when honeymoons generally begin to fall apart. He responded so unconsciously that he didn’t even notice how nasty he was. And in his response to what he perceives as a personal ‘attack’ on his character, he starts digging in his heels to defend himself to the death. He’s thinking, she accused me of not being me. I’m the same me I’ve always been. I don’t know what she’s talking about. What’s her problem?

Meanwhile, you’re thinking, where is the loving man I married? Your conscious mind detaches from the current moment, to assess the unpleasant situation in which you now find yourself. Unbeknownst to you, you also unconsciously default to your own formerly hidden subconscious behaviours that you acquired from your family and culture. Now it’s your partner’s turn to be shocked, as his once loving spouse shifts into criticism and blame, as well as other less than loving programmes you downloaded from your parents.

As the daily issues of life increasingly occupy your and your partner’s conscious minds, more disharmonious unconscious behaviour patterns begin to rise to the surface. Soon you both shift from appreciating your partner, to focussing on his or her periodic nasty outbursts. Both you and your partner turn defensive and begin to critique the other’s faults: he never cleans up, she never puts the cap on the toothpaste and so on. All the things you ignored in the first glow of love now start to bug you.

If you met through an online dating service, both of you want your money back! He/she didn’t fill out the questionnaire honestly! But actually, you both filled it out in good faith. You both filled it out consciously—and that’s the rub. Your thoughtful submissions from your conscious minds truly represent the people you aspire to be. Unfortunately, the character of the ‘you’ who answered the questionnaire normally expresses itself only about five per cent of the time. What both partners failed to include in their surveys were the sabotaging and limiting subconscious programmes they acquired from others, which all of us unconsciously engage in about 95 per cent of the time.

Trying to find love again

With the appearance of uninvited behaviours, 95 per cent of the time you and your partner have most definitively left the honeymoon and are back on the road of conventional life. If any of these heretofore unseen, destructive and disturbing behaviours had surfaced on the first day of your relationship, there probably would not have been a second day. Now you’re wondering if you should lower your expectations and accept what your relationship has become because “This is the way life is and I have to accept the bad with the good.” Or will the many compromises you make as you adjust to abusive behaviour become so intolerable that your once seemingly unbreakable bond shatters? You say, “The hell with this. I can’t do this.” And then you go out [again] and try to find what you once had.

The culprit for this repeating cycle is invisible: it’s the behaviours programmed in you and your partner’s subconscious minds. Your conscious mind sent you on the quest to find a loving partner and rejoiced when you found the one, yet your subconscious mind is destroying what you’ve created. But once you know that you’re dealing with four minds in the relationship, and once you know how to change the negative programming of your subconscious minds, you will have the tools to recreate what you’ve lost.

The post Why do relationships fall apart? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are couples who may have met at work as employees of the same organisation, tied the knot and chosen to continue to work there in their respective positions. Then there are those who decide to do business together, or share the same professional space like doctors  or creative writers/designers. There are others who may just assist the spouse for a particular project in a limited capacity as an assistant.

Whatever is the case, sharing a work space with your spouse comes with its own challenges and rewards.

Challenges

Graphic designers Mira and Shyam started an animation studio together. He would negotiate deals with the clients and she would do the creative work in the studio. He would often ask her to redo the work saying that the clients’ brief was different and also pressure her to meet deadlines. She felt he was insensitive to her time and energy constraints, unappreciative of her creativity, and that he was having a ball at her cost, travelling alone to strike deals abroad and enjoying 5-star luxuries at the clients’ cost while she was at the studio doing all the hard work. Once when their studio received an international award, he went on stage alone to receive it and that’s when she decided to stop working with him, and do freelance work for other studios. She felt used and he felt abandoned.

Surita who joined her husband’s business to assist in administration and accounting while he focussed on expanding the business, took grave offence when he decided to renovate the office and allot her a cubicle at the back while he made his cabin at the front. She was offended that he did not give her the status of an equal and relegated her to staff and she stopped going to office. This took a huge toll on their relationship and their intimacy, and she moved out to another room.

John and Melissa got along very well as colleagues in the same organisation. They got married and continued their work in the same way. The arguments began when he registered himself for an off-site training at a beach resort but didn’t do the same for her, as he expected her to do her own registrations like she had done in the past. She took offence and assumed that he wanted to go alone and not as a couple. She viewed it as an opportunity to combine work and relaxing togetherness, but thought he wanted to maintain his single status amongst colleagues. She was also upset when he got a chance to work in the London office of the company for six months followed by a promotion, while she continued in the same position at Mumbai. This eroded their relationship, not only as a couple but also as colleagues. Their personal issues percolated into their work and both of them were pulled up by their superiors. They were told that one of them would have to quit the company, and that they preferred that Melissa be the one as her work had not been upto mark. Their relationship ended the day she quit the job.

Nina and Robert were both in stock broking and started their own firm with great enthusiasm. However, there was no agreement on administrative styles, staff matters, how to handle the client interface, the timings of work, and practically every area of the business. There were open and loud arguments at work and at home, without any resolution. Staff would receive conflicting orders from both and clients started getting agitated because they would have to repeat their instructions as they stopped conveying messages to each other. The business suffered, the relationship suffered and above all their children suffered.

David, an ad film director and the joint owner of a production house with his wife, unilaterally decided to invest in very expensive equipment instead of hiring it, as was previously agreed by them. This wiped out most of their savings. Subsequently, the equipment started requiring expensive maintenance contracts, while work was not coming their way, and the company was saddled with this ‘white elephant’ which was depleting their finances. This became a huge contaminant in the relationship. They dissolved their partnership and divided the assets, leaving him with the equipment and her with the office property. They were both bitter, with him seeing her as a fair weather friend, and she seeing him as a betrayer of trust in the relationship.

From the above cases you can see how challenging it can be for a relationship when the couple works together. The work-home interface can get extremely stressful if not maturely and sensitively handled.

The Downside

Let’s enumerate the downside of spouses working together:

1. Work issues are carried back home affecting emotional/physical intimacy as well as personal issues affecting work efficiency. Inability to get out of ‘shop talk’ even at home
2. Claustrophobia and no personal space away from each other [me time] especially if there are arguments, therefore no time to calmly process issues alone
3. Ego hassles on who has the final authority in crucial decision making at work.
4. Competitiveness and score keeping about who works more and contributes more to the profits.
5. Conflicting messages to staff, leading to confused and disgruntled workers.

Rewards

However, there is also a great upside to working with your spouse.

Gretta would crib about the limited time she had with her husband who was a television journalist—till she decided to intern in his research team. Once she saw the dynamism at the news channel office with crazy timelines, she was able to understand and empathise with him about his time constraints. She started snatching whatever time they could have at coffee breaks or accompanying him at important events as his assistant. It made them bond more and a mutual respect was established. They valued every moment they spent together, and the quality of their relationship improved.

Ashok was a surgeon and Komal was a gynaecologist. They had their own nursing home. They often assisted each other in complicated surgeries, and checked into each other’s patients during the post-operative period. They held the fort for each other if the other was unwell or busy elsewhere. So, when she was home with the kids, he would manage all her patients. This doubled their efficiency.

The Upside

The upside of working together therefore can be enumerated as:

1. Efficiency doubles as you can stand in for each other when you are from the same profession or when you know all the aspects of the business. It also increases financial security in the business.
2. No financial irregularities with your spouse, as s/he is equally invested in it as ‘our’ business and not there for personal gains.
3. Both being equally interested in the success of the business, both would willingly work hard and also understand the work demands, time constraints etc. and therefore empathise with the other.
4. Work and pleasure can often be combined while travelling for meetings, conferences etc.
5. New skills acquired by one can be taught to the other if from the same profession.
6. Logistical comforts like commuting to and from work together, having coffee breaks and lunch together at work, thus having more time to catch up and connect compared to other couples.

A Project for ‘the Project’

No significant relationship can survive healthily unless it is given a ‘project status’, and unless it is worked on consistently and maturely by both. Therefore, the work doubles for a couple [the project] who now works together professionally or in a business [a project].

Some ground rules for couples working together are:

1. Separate identities with clear role demarcations based on skill-sets of both, with independent decision-making within those roles and no interference from the other. Suggestions can be asked from and made by the other, but the final authority would lie with the one whose role it is.
2. Major financial decisions and any other big decisions in the running of the business to be made through a mutually respectful consultative process.
3. Separate and equal geographical space for both within the office, which gives a sense of personal identity and aids functionality.
4. De-clutter the work-home interface and actively de-link one from the other to give your best at both places. E.g. To and from work, hear some music in the car, plan a weekend break/holiday, discuss children etc. and actively avoid [or if extremely necessary then ‘timetable’] ‘shop talk’ at home, while also actively avoiding discussing home issues at work.
5. See your work as a manifestation of the team spirit of both, and an example of how well both can work together. Make it a collaboration and not a competition.
6. If there are intricate personal issues that require resolution, keep them ‘on hold’  while at work, and schedule them to be discussed only once you are home. Maintain the sanctity of both spaces.
7. While making work decisions, always ask yourself what’s best for ‘our work’ and what’s best for ‘us’.

This was first published in the May 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Couple yoga is a fun way of learning yoga with a partner. We will teach you simple or advanced ways to help and assist each other do yoga asanas that will:

• tone your body
• expand your mind
• keep you healthy.

What is it?

Couple yoga is a method through which two people do yoga together. Most movement need to help and support each other. Couple yoga can be done with any one – husband-wife, and also with corporates where it not about intimacy, but more about team building.

Choice of the movement is decided as per the need and objective of the couple. So, there are postures which are very intimate traditional tantric postures.

One of the most beautiful and effective form of couple yoga is when your kid is your partner. Age is no bar here, you can start at the age of five onwards. You will not only give your child a feel of your presence and sharing, but will also give your child the gift of yoga, which will help him/her in the long run. Your child will help you to bend further and improve our flexibility. This is a good way to connect with your child. This will add in to his/her confidence.

Few objectives of couple yoga

Couples

• To get to know each other on non-verbal level. This improves the relationship.
• To be able to accomplish the postures you think are impossible.
• Sharing quality time and physical interaction gives a feeling that you are there for them.

Kids

• Improves concentration and flexibility.
• Is a creative way to channel their energies.
• Improves their confidence.
• Has a relaxing effect, which improves quality of sleep.
• Helps control mood swings.
• Includes laughter yoga. Creates happy hormones which boosts their immune system.
• Helps to cure asthma and bronchial diseases.

Corporate

• Team building
• To improve communication
• To connect
• To share.

Yoga students

• To share postures with more intensity
• To get and give a helping hand to perform better postures
• To make your yoga practice exciting and fun.

Couple yoga asanas

A few other favourite couple yoga asanas:

• Tada asana
• Natraj asana
• Paschimouttan asana
• Veera asana
• Adhomukhi swan asana
• Dhanura asana
• Pad uttaan asana
• Shalabha asana.

So, try this new form of yoga and change the way you live.

The post Have your tried couple yoga? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.