Growing up with two sets of parents

I am a mother in my late 30s. While my situation may not sound so unique, it is a bit uncommon. I was adopted by my father’s elder brother at the time of my birth. The reason for my adoption was that my parents were unable to conceive. My father had told me about my biological parents from the time I was a baby — even though he was urged not to share the truth with me. His reasoning was that my biological parents ought to receive the recognition they deserved for their selfless act of sacrifice. I was fortunate to grow up in a large, joint family, with both sets of parents residing together. As a result, I was raised to call both sets of parents mumma/papa.

At the age of seven, my parents relocated to another city, and I went to a boarding school, away from both sets of parents. My biological parents went on to have two more sons after me, who grew up knowing about my adoption and treated me like their own sister. Even though I spent only a few days with them during my vacations, me and my biological brothers have always been close.

Brother from another mother

As I turned 18, my parents made the unexpected decision to adopt a baby boy, solely because they desired a son. I believe this was influenced by societal gender expectations, and they might have believed that having a son was necessary to care for them in their old age, once I was married and moved away.

My biological parents, however, opposed my adoptive parents’ decision and expressed their concerns that my parents, particularly my mom, would not love me as much once another child joined the family. Despite this, my parents went ahead with the adoption.

Ideally, it would have been wonderful to have a sibling of a similar age with who I could to relate to, play with, argue with and so on. Unfortunately, I always felt that my brother was my parents’ child, not exactly a sibling to me. As I was already in college when he was adopted, we didn’t get to spend much time together. The decision to adopt him was only for my parents’ benefit, not mine. Having said that, we do share a bond of love and are there for each other when needed.

Getting married

After a few years, I reached the age when most people get married, and my parents arranged a marriage for me, as is common in India.

The whole arranged-marriage affair was one of the worst experiences of my life because both sets of parents had different opinions and wanted to handle things their way. Neither of them realized what I was going through — I was caught in the middle and didn’t know who to listen to. One set of parents wanted me to get married immediately, while the other wanted me to wait. Anyways, I did end up getting married rather young.

Even after marriage, this has been an ongoing issue in my life — balancing the opinions of both sets of parents. All four of them love me deeply, and my biological brothers are also quite close to me. However, what has complicated my life is not the fact that I was adopted, but rather that 1) I was being adopted within the family, and 2) my biological parents had a say in my life.

People often say that I’m lucky to have two sets of parents, but it’s not always easy. During every crisis in my life, both sets of parents have had different opinions, which has added to the stress and confusion.

Becoming a mother

Becoming a mother has been my greatest achievement. As I was growing up, I knew that my mother couldn’t conceive a child and had needed to adopt. This created a subconscious doubt in my mind about my chances of conceiving. So, when I became pregnant, it felt like a monumental accomplishment. Even though there was no real reason to doubt fertility, I always feared that I may not be able conceive. This might be partly because my mother always urged me to have a child soon so that I wouldn’t experience the same difficulties she had. Now, as I raise my child, I often find myself thinking “he’s mine” and “I gave birth to him.” While I know that many mothers share this sentiment, it may not be to the same degree that I do.

How people react

As I was growing up, most people who knew me were aware that I was adopted and that I had two biological brothers who I considered as my own siblings. When I started college and disclosed my adoption status, people often had varying reactions. While some expressed surprise and simply said, “Oh, I didn’t know that,” others had less favorable responses, such as asking if I felt sad about being “given away” or questioning who my “real” parents were. One person even assumed that I had step-parents and step-siblings, which was quite comical.

To anyone who meets someone who has been adopted, I would advise not to express sympathy towards them. Instead, ask questions about their experience and their relationship with their parents without feeling sorry for them. Having a loving family, biological or not, is a wonderful thing.

In conclusion

My brother, who is now 20 years old, is still in the dark about his adoption. My father chose not to disclose the fact to him, fearing that he would feel resentment towards his biological parents for giving him up. In contrast, I have always known about my being adopted since my birth. While I respect my father’s decision to withhold this information from my brother, I believe that he should have the chance to learn about his adoption when he is ready. I understand that many children may struggle with this information later in life, but I hope that my brother will take the news positively.

My life has been both simple and knotty because of my experiences with adoption and motherhood. I believe that sharing my perspective can help others understand these experiences better. I leave you with a quote by actor Hugh Jackman: “I think adoption is a blessing all around when it is done right.”

The author of this blog has chosen to remain anonymous.

The post “I grew up with two sets of parents” — A perspective on adoption appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It is less like a flower and more like fragrance. You can feel it but you cannot catch hold of it. You can be overwhelmed by it but you cannot possess it.

My God is not something objective, there.
My God is your very subjectivity, here.
My God can never be indicated by the word “that.”
He can only be indicated by the word “this.”

The God of my vision and experience is not to be searched for in the synagogues, temples, mosques, churches, in the Himalayas, in the monasteries. He is not there because He is always here. And you go on looking for Him there.

When I say every child’s original face is the face of God, I am saying that God is synonymous with life, existence. Whatsoever is, is divine, sacred. And there is nothing other than God. God is not to be understood as quantity, but as quality. You cannot measure it. You cannot make a statue of it, you cannot draw a picture of it. In that sense it is absolutely impersonal. And if you look at the faces of children when they arrive, fresh from the very source of life, you will see a certain presence which cannot be named – unnameable, indefinable.

The Child Is Full of Life

The child is alive. You cannot define its aliveness, but it is there, you can feel it. It is so much there that howsoever blind you are you cannot miss it. It is fresh. You can smell the freshness around a child.

That fragrance slowly, slowly disappears. And if, unfortunately, the child becomes successful—a celebrity, a president, a prime minister, a pope—then the same child, now an adult, stinks.

He had come with a tremendous fragrance, immeasurable, indefinable, unnameable. You look into the eyes of a child—you cannot find anything deeper. The eyes of a child are abysmal, there is no bottom to them. Unfortunately, the way society will destroy him, soon his eyes will be only superficial; because of layers and layers of conditioning, that depth, that immense depth will have disappeared long before. And that was his original face.

The child has no thoughts. About what can he think? Thinking needs a past, thinking needs problems. He has no past, he has only future. He has no problems yet, he is without problems. There is no possibility of thinking for him. What can he think? The child is conscious but without thoughts.

This is the original face of the child.

Rediscover Your Original Face

Once this was your face too, and although you have forgotten it, it is still there within you, waiting someday to be rediscovered. I am saying re-discovered because you have discovered it many times in your previous lives, and again and again you go on forgetting it.

Perhaps even in this life there have been moments when you have come very close to knowing it, to feeling it, to being it. But the world is too much with us. Its pull is great – and there are a thousand and one directions in which the world is pulling you. It is pulling you in so many directions that you are falling apart. It is a miracle how people go on managing to keep themselves together. Otherwise their one hand will be going to the north, another hand to the south, their head must be going towards heaven; all their parts will be flying all over the place.

It is certainly a miracle how you go on keeping yourself together. Perhaps the pressure from all sides is too much so that your hands and legs and heads cannot fly. You are pressed from everywhere.

Paperweights Keep You From Flying

Whenever I see… and I don’t know why people go on sending me beautiful paperweights—I don’t have any papers. What am I going to do with paperweights? Perhaps they think there are hundreds of books in my name so there must be so much paperwork around me, all over my room papers and papers. There is not a single paper.

Yes, paperweights go on coming, and whenever a paperweight comes I am immediately reminded of you. You would have been flying like papers in the strong wind, but there are so many paperweights to keep you pressed and give you an idea that you are one individual. You are not—you are many, and in the crowd of this “many-ness” of your existence, your original face is lost.

The Stranger in You

Even if by chance you happen to meet your original face, you will not be able to recognise it, it will be such a stranger. Perhaps you come across it once in a while, just by accident, but you don’t even say Hi! It is a stranger and perhaps deep down, a certain fear – that is always there with every stranger.

That’s why people try to become acquainted, introduced to strangers, the sooner the better. They don’t want to be left in that state of fear, that somebody is absolutely unknown to them. They don’t know what he can do, what he intends to do, what kind of person he is. Maybe he is a murderer, a thief.

Let the Child Explore the Unknown

You are asking me how we can save the original face of our children.

You don’t have to do anything directly. Anything done directly will be a disturbance. You have to learn the art of non-doing. That is a very difficult art.

It is not something that you have to do to protect, to save, the original face of the child. Whatever you do will distort the original face. You have to learn non-doing; you have to learn to keep away, out of the way of the child. You have to be very courageous because it is risky to leave the child to himself.

You cannot give anything to the child, you can only take. If you really want to give a gift to the child, this is the only gift possible: don’t interfere. Take the risk and let the child go into the unknown, into the uncharted. It is difficult. Great fear grips the parents – who knows what will happen to the child? Out of this fear they start moulding a certain pattern of life for the child. Out of fear they start directing him into a particular way, towards a particular goal, but they don’t know that because of their fear they are killing the child. He will never be blissful. And he will never be grateful to you; he will always carry a grudge against you.

The Original Face of the Child Is Priceless

For thousands of years we have been told, if the child is left to himself he will be a savage. That is sheer nonsense. I am sitting before you—do you think I am a savage? And I have lived without being interfered with by my parents. Yes, there was much trouble for them and there will be much trouble for you too, but it is worth it.

The original face of the child is so valuable that any trouble is worth it. It is so priceless that whatsoever you have to pay for it, it is still cheap; you are getting it without paying anything. And the joy on the day you find your child with his original face intact, with the same beauty that he had brought into the world, the same innocence, the same clarity, the same joyfulness, cheerfulness, the same aliveness …. What more can you expect?

The post Osho’s Solid Advice on Raising a Child appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What is the impact of such media reports on young minds?

In India, the I&B Ministry hasn’t laid down laws regarding responsible media portrayal of sensitive issues. Unfortunately this encourages the media and uninformed viewers to promote and share shocking content in the guise of “spreading awareness”. But the effect is unfortunately the opposite; it creates a suicide contagion. The teen population is particularly vulnerable. A 2017 WHO report titled “Mental Health Status of Adolescents in South-East Asia” found that 25 per cent of Indian students admit to feeling depressed. This is further backed by reports from the Global Burden of Disease Study 2013 where suicide was reported as the biggest killer of 15- to 24-year-olds in India. And most recently, a report released by the Health Ministry titled “India: Health of the Nation’s States 2017” found that the leading reasons for injury burden among the youth is suicide and self-harm. This makes teens and young adults a high-risk population for suicide.

To recognise why we need to be responsible reporters of shocking news, especially for the youth, let’s understand the teenage brain. Nicola Morgan, the author of Blame My Brain, says that in teenagers, the part of the brain which seems to be working overtime is the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped structure in our emotional [limbic] brain, linked to gut reaction and raw emotion. At the same time, the pre-frontal cortex—the part of our brain that allows us to calm ourselves down, make rational decisions, and think logically—has not yet fully developed.

The theory goes that our neurons [brain cells] are insulated by a fatty substance called myelin, which is essential for controlled and healthy functioning of our nervous system. The process of insulation starts from the lowest parts of our brain and the last area to be myelinated, well into adulthood, is our pre-frontal cortex. Since the process of myelination has not been completed in teen brains, this explains the knee-jerk reactions and “motor-mouth” talk we associate so well with teenagers. Therefore, we need to be extra careful around young minds as they are unable to think completely logically; they can’t differentiate reality from their inner world nor judge consequences well. More importantly, the underdeveloped teenage brain makes this age group most vulnerable to depression and impulsive acts. That’s why when people argue that they share videos to make teens aware of such cases, my response is that this is counter-productive and can, in fact, add to the problem. The evidence is that in the days following this suicide case and the sharing of that video, the average number of calls I receive from troubled teens multiplied; many of them expressed that they were having suicidal thoughts.

The same “suicide contagion effect” was observed just after the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why was released. Soon after the series was released, there was an increase in Google searches for ‘how to commit suicide’ and ‘teen suicide’.

Here are some things we can do as a society to prevent teen suicides

Post responsibly

Any information received about suicide, self-harm, depression needs to be verified before being posted on social media or broadcasted on WhatsApp. Avoid forwarding videos and images about graphic portrayals of celebrity suicides or other types of deaths. There is no need to view or share those details.

Establish safety

If you teen shows signs of depression then take measures to keep the environment safe. Remove sharp objects and dangerous ingestible substances. Keep a watch on your teen’s outings and store contacts details of their friends. Request them that you will periodically check their phones [in their presence]. Install content-control software to ensure your teen is not being exposed to age-inappropriate content on the web. Educate them about general safety and cyber safety.

Be a moderator, not a helicopter

Despite the safety you may try to establish, reality is that your child may be exposed to graphic portrays of self-harm and suicide [the blue whale challenge, TV series such as “13 reasons why”, social media material]. Out of anxiety, parents end up helicoptering teens which causes more resentment and secretiveness. A balanced approach is to communicate about their feelings regarding these experiences. Ask how it impacts them and assure them you are with them no matter what.

Monitor physical health

Take your teen for regular health check-ups to test for deficiencies in vitamins D3 and B12 as low levels of these usually masquerade as depression. Ensure that the child is not eating too many sugary foods as these can cause a sugar-rush followed by a sudden drop in energy, creating a cycle of “high-low” moods. Studies show that morning hunger is strongly linked to depression so ensure that your teen does not leave home on an empty stomach. Physical exercise is a must to reduce low moods. As per the WHO, even 10 minutes of aerobic exercise is sufficient for good health.

Insist on good sleep

One major study has shown that sleep-deprived people are 40 times more likely to suffer from clinical depression. Research shows that teens need more than nine hours of sleep. Lesser sleep builds up a sleep debt and makes the teen lose out on REM [Rapid Eye Movement] sleep, which is important for memory and learning.

Be informed and communicate

Read up on teenage years [those that talk about the teen brain are often very informative]. It will help create a sense of empathy about what teens are going through and reduce your frustration as a parent. Keep your communication channels open and encourage your teen to share. Don’t judge their secrecy; it’s a part of growing up and creating their space. When teens feel comfortable, they share what is on their mind. Demonstrate rational thinking and controlled behaviour, as these will be models for your teen to replicate as they step into adulthood.

Seek professional help

Often only a mental health professional [psychiatrist/psychologist] can correctly diagnose if the teenager is depressed. Such professionals will run tests and interview the child to differentiate transient mood swings from depression. Trust the expert to provide professional help and work with them to help your child attain good mental health. 

The post Preventing teen suicides is our collective duty appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Do you rush to rescue your child?

Some parents personalise their child’s failures. When we over identify with our child, we feel all of their experiences as if they were our own. This is not only unhealthy for us, but it is unhealthy for our children. Our children have their own strengths and weaknesses. Their struggles are not our struggles. We are only there to support our children along the way. When parents feel the bumps of their children’s lives too deeply, they will do anything to rescue their child from hurt, pain or failure. They are quick to rush to the school to argue a low grade. They are at the sidelines, yelling at the referee during a sporting event. They are up late at night finishing their child’s school project because their child didn’t manage their time well.

When we rescue our children, we steal from them an important life experience—failure. We create a false sense of success. When these children grow up they are ill-equipped at handling failure because they never had to experience it as a child. Instead of rescuing our children, we inadvertently set them up for long-term struggle. As parents we have the opportunity to teach our children how to move past failure and disappointment. We can give them the tools to not only get through failure, but to thrive past it.

We can do that by conveying these messages to our children:

Everyone fails

Let your child know that everyone fails. That failing is a part of life. Tell them that they didn’t come out of the womb walking. They had to fall hundreds of times before their body learned the art of walking. Tell them that some of our greatest minds failed. Albert Einstein didn’t learn to read until he was seven years old. Thomas Edison’s light bulb invention failed 1,000 times before he was successful.

Share with your child some of your own failures. Letting your child know that you are fallible will help them see that failure is normal and that it happens to everyone.

Failure is part of success

Without failure none of us would ever experience success. When we fail, we are given the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and do it better. Help your child explore what they have learned from their failure. How would they do it better next time? Try to be motivating and not overly critical. Most children are already feeling pretty bad about themselves when they experience failure. You berating them won’t make them do better next time. For instance if your child did poorly on an exam you may say, “You didn’t study. You deserve that grade because you didn’t put in any effort.” While this may be true it isn’t going to inspire your child to do better next time. Instead, re-frame the failure by saying something like, “When you study you do well. You are intelligent and I love how you learn things so quickly. Next time, I know if you work harder on your subjects, you’ll do great on the exam.”

Failure is part of the process

Failure is often part of the process. Thomas Edison wouldn’t have been able to develop the light bulb if he hadn’t failed a thousand times. It was in those failures that he was given the clues on how to continually improve his project and eventually make one of the most important inventions of our time. Ask your child if they can think of a time their failure made them improve. Did they get better at a sport after practising? Did they learn how to balance on a bike after falling? Help your child make these connections.

It is your effort that matters

Focus on praising your child’s effort. If one child studied for five hours and got a low grade on an exam and the other didn’t study at all and got a perfect score, which child deserves more praise? When you only focus on results and not on the process, your child can get the wrong message. You want to foster hard work and praise effort, even if the end result is less than perfect.

As parents we understand failure well. Parenthood can be a struggle and most of us have felt failure at some point during the journey. If we can help our children see failure as a learning opportunity, we will be teaching them one of the greatest life lessons.

The post Have you taught your child the importance of failing? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“Oh, but Keshav is quite careless. Don’t give him any responsibilities,” has been a constant refrain in Keshav’s life since the time he was six or seven. His first grade teacher called him careless because he made silly errors when adding numbers; he cleared the first grade but the label stuck. At home, his mum finds him careless and insists on doing every little thing for him [even packing his suitcase when they travel], thereby squashing whatever little sense of autonomy he has. He is 21 now and has toted the ‘careless’ label for so long that he couldn’t care less. It has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

While labelling children, remember that words are potent

When using labels, remember that words are potent. Every label—hyper, lazy, intelligent, dull—carries with it a set of expectations that end up influencing behaviour in the long term.

Kiarah’s mother learnt this the hard way. As a toddler, Kiarah was energetic and paid better attention when she moved. Her kindergarten teachers acknowledged this and ensured there was adequate movement for her in class. When Kiarah got to grade two, school work became more demanding and her teachers wanted her to be at her desk for at least an hour at a stretch. Naturally, she got fidgety. At the end of the school year, her grade tutor wrote in Kiarah’s report : Kiarah is a restless child; she needs to be focussed to perform better .

The school had a tradition of transition meetings before children were moved to the next grade. The intention was that the new set of teachers would be primed about a child’s learning difficulties, if any, to help the child cope better. In Kiarah’s case, her new teachers were told that Kiarah was a fidgety child and they shouldn’t be surprised if she is a cause of distraction in class.

Year after year, this repeated. By the time Kiarah got to middle school, all of her teachers expected nothing but “poor performance” and “restlessness” from her. By then, Kiarah had turned into a rebel. It took many months of counselling and a new supportive school environment, before Kiarah was her happy, enthusiastic self again.

Why do we like labelling children?

We pigeonhole children into categories simply because it makes our life easier. When we call a child “slow” we may very well be insinuating that we believe his future may not be a particularly prospective one and that he may need to make colossal effort to get going in life. On the same lines, calling a child “brilliant” could be suggesting that the child has a promising life ahead. What we don’t realise is that these labels are transitory and can go out of date. A diffident child can grow into a confident adult. A gregarious high schooler can become an introverted adult.

Does this mean we stop using labels altogether?

Understanding the consequences of labelling children is the key. Labels can be empowering and useful in certain settings. For example, when used for diagnostic purposes, or when used to define one’s sexual preferences, etc. In such cases, labels can help us in finding the right support network or community.

However, labels do more harm than good when we base them on casual observations and impose them on another person, especially children. Before we hedge children with the expectations that one-dimensional labels bring, we need to understand that in most circumstances, labels serve little purpose. In situations when a negative label is used persistently, it may result in the child feeling stigmatised.

4 effective ways to avoid labelling children

So how to avoid labelling children and yet address their behavioural problems or recognise their strengths? Here are four suggestions that might help. These suggestions hold true even when we communicate with adults.

1. Describe the state, not the trait

When describing the state, we learn to see each event as an isolated one, independent of the past. For instance, if a child has broken a toy, instead of launching into a diatribe and saying “You are always naughty. You do this all the time”, say “You were naughty today. You broke your brother’s toy. I want you to help him fix it.” Refrain from using the word “always”; instead focus on the present moment. When we use always we are only reinforcing past behaviour.

2. Know the motivation

In most situations, we label children based on what we see and what we hear. Instead, if we took a moment to take the child aside and talk to them about what’s going on, we may understand what their motivation was. Poor behaviour is usually a result of children feeling neglected or bored. When we are around children, it is important we use our hearts and minds as much as we use our ears and eyes.

3. Truth has many versions

In Season two of Master of None on Netflix, there is a scene in where Aziz Ansari remarks to a friend, “It’s like you are describing a colour that I cannot see.” What a profound line! We may be staring at the same picture but while you see the figure of a grey elephant, all I may see is a grey blob. The elephant is your perception, the grey blob is mine.

Remember that the labels we casually toss around are merely projections of our perceptions! The next time you catch yourself labelling children or even adults, remember no label can ever be the absolute truth. Labels are the least effective tools to improve behaviour or trigger motivation. Labelling children as “slow” or “dull” is no motivator for them to try harder.

4. Labels are a tricky terrain

Calling a child “brilliant” can make the child feel pressured to be a top performer all the time, or in some situations, it can tip over to an overestimation of one’s abilities. Instead if you call out the effort, e.g. “I’m proud of how diligently you prepared for your maths test!”, it eases out the pressure.

Shantideva, the 8^th century Buddhist monk, beautifully said,

“Where would I find enough leather
To cover the entire surface of the earth?
But with leather soles beneath my feet,
It’s as if the whole world has been covered.”

If we can all become  more mindful of how we communicate, we may actually contribute to building a world that is non-judgmental and label-free!

The post Consequences of labelling children + how to avoid it appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Co-dependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that co-dependency is learned in families and is passed from one generation to the next. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are co-dependent, this behaviour gets passed on to their children, unless they consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways. But since co-dependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.

The problem is, like addiction, co-dependency is characterised by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re co-dependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of co-dependency are:

• Being overly focussed on someone or something
• Low self-esteem
• Non-assertive communication
• Denying or devaluing your needs, feelings and wants
• Poor boundaries
• A need for control

Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:

1. Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organisations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Keeping secrets and creating ‘no-talk’ rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, children are told not to mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking. This teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.

2. Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to them shows that you respect them and this in turn teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behaviour you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behaviour you dislike without name-calling or criticising, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour because we’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to hog the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.

3. Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed to express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. Parents, often with good intentions, say, “Don’t feel sad, [or jealous, etc.]” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. However, expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. For instance, Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.

4. Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting your children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting their boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back is definitely off-limits. This also includes tickling a child or hugging them beyond their comfort level.

5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence

Co-dependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence. Unfortunately, independence is confused with rebelliousness and so is discouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments

Co-dependents often grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown that physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

7. Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but that isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.

The post Seven things every parent must do to raise independent children appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Parents who get into the habit of using requests or giving instructions to children worded in a question format such as, ‘Can you say good night now?’ or ‘Can you pack up your toys now?’ are often frustrated and confused as to why their children don’t listen. This is essentially because such phrases are non-committal and the child interprets it as a choice, which can be accepted or rejected as he wishes. This means that the instruction is on the child’s terms and when they don’t do as required, we in turn get angry.

When we give clear instructions, children are more likely to comply. For example:

• James, tonight I will read you two stories and then we will say goodnight.’
• ‘It’s time to pack up your toys now.’

Children learn to respond better when there is an expectation that they will act in accordance with what has been stated. Let’s look at the correct way to instruct children.

How to stop the escalation trap

To eliminate the escalation trap, delete all requests statements from your vocabulary when speaking to your children. For example, ‘Would you like to sit at the table now?’ is better expressed as ‘It’s time to come to the table now.’ ‘Would you like to take a bath now?’ is better expressed as ‘It’s time to take a bath now.’ Alternatively you can offer a choice statement and thereby avoid direct confrontation, such as, ‘Will we get the blocks or all of the books first?’ In doing so, parents give the children control and power in an appropriate way which does not reduce their in-charge position.

Elevating your child’s position to Your level may make them like you for a moment, but it does both of you no favours in the long run

Parents need to help their child learn to respond immediately instead of only when there is screaming and yelling involved. Parents need to be in control and remain regulated. You have the right to expect certain instructions be followed and that your child does the tasks that need to be done in an appropriate and considerate manner. To do all this with conviction you need to maintain your role as the adult and your child’s role as the child. It should not be the other way around. You need to listen to what your child says and make decisions that are fair and reasonable, not decisions based on making the child happy. However, remember that children are more likely to accept a decision they do not like if they feel that you have listened and treated them fairly.

Elevating your child’s position to one that is at level with yours may make them like you for a moment, but it does both of you no favours in the long run.

Rewarding cooperative behaviour with something enjoyable is effective, for example, ‘When you are finished putting your toys away, then we’ll…’ Incorporating an incentive is usually beneficial in having children do what is asked of them, for example, ‘Put the toys away quickly, so we can go to the park.’

Building fun into the instruction also helps with cooperation, such as, ‘Put all the animals into the box and let’s count how many animals we can pick up from the floor.’ By building fun into the activity children are more likely to comply with the instruction and see it as a pleasurable connecting experience.

If they ignore you or begin to demonstrate other challenging behaviour, you must act immediately. Giving warnings before the change of activity is one way to potentially avoid challenging behaviour. Using simple time methods works well such as: counting, songs, a short piece of music, using an egg timer or marking the time on a wall clock for preschoolers.

Simple steps for effective instruction giving

Step one

Use your proximity. Move closer and get to your child’s level. An arm’s length away is usually a good distance. It is also useful to use their name and make a connection with them.

Step two

Make sure that the instruction is to the point, clear and brief so that it is understood. For some children it helps to ask them to repeat the instruction and to acknowledge that they have understood: ‘Yes, that’s right.’

Step three

If there is a list of instructions, break them down and give them one at a time.

Step four

Make sure your instruction is the last thing that the child hears. If you need to explain anything, do this at the beginning; for example, ‘It’s time to go now. Stop playing and put your toys on the shelf now, thank you.’

Step five

Always use positive language when giving instructions; for example, ‘Walk inside the house’ rather than ‘Don’t run inside’.

Step six

Give your child time to cooperate [five seconds] and respond before you repeat the instruction.

Step seven

Avoid giving an instruction, leaving the room and then returning a period of time later to check.

Step eight

After giving an instruction stay focussed on the task. Avoid distracting them from what you have asked them to do.

Step nine

Use labelled acknowledgement when your child follows an instruction. Describe exactly what they did well; for example, ‘I felt so pleased to see you listening and getting quickly into your car seat, thank you.’

Step ten

When instructions are not followed issue a choice statement and follow this by a logical consequence; for example, ‘You need to put your shoes on before you can go to the park.’

The post How to instruct children in a way that they will listen appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

So what are expectations and why do we need them? Expectations are mental sets people create to help move through time [from now to later] and change [from old to new] with some sense of what reality they have to look forward to and what objectives they have to work for. People without expectations don’t know what will happen next and don’t know what to do with their lives. Expectations are a functional part of our lives.

Two sides of the same coin

Expectations are powerful. On the positive side, they can motivate performance when your child works to excel: “I have high expectations from myself.” On the negative side, however, these mental sets can have harmful emotional consequences when violated or unmet: “I failed to do as well as I expected!” So expectations can be tricky to manage.

You might think that having a super-achieving child will make parenting a walk in the park, but that isn’t always the case. What if your super-achieving child with high expectations of accomplishment is taking a major test? Consider three kinds of performance expectations that your child might bring to the exam: Predictions [how one thinks the experience will be], Ambitions [how one wants the experience to be] and Conditions [how one believes the experience should be].

Dealing with the outcomes of expectations

If your child has extremely high expectations, then in her mind the prediction would be: “I will be able to answer all the questions”; the ambition would be: “I want to get all the answers right”; and finally the condition will be: “I should make no mistakes”.

If the outcome your child expects fits the reality of what actually happens, then she will experience a sense of security from a prediction being met; a sense of satisfaction from an ambition being met; and a sense of rightness from a condition being met. The outcome is thus, emotionally affirming.

Suppose, however, your child ‘bombs’ the test [relatively speaking] and earns low marks. Now the unmet expectations create a dramatically different response. The prediction may result in anxiety: “I never thought this would happen”; the ambition may result in disappointment: “I really let myself and my parents down”; and the condition may result in guilt: “I have no one but myself to blame”. Here the outcome for your child is emotionally upsetting.

What you can do

• As parents, you could suggest that your super-achieving children adopt one expectation: they may not always be the best, or perform perfectly and operate error-free because having frailties and failures is part of being human.
• Another piece of advice parents can offer is: Beating yourself when you are down will not help you get back up; it will only inflict further damage, protract your misery and hold you back. Just like taking a bad shot in a sport you are good at, your job is to learn from any error of your ways. Let go of past performances and with a fresh resolve, focus on doing well in present and future assignments or tests.
• Finally, parents need to help their child understand that expectations of accomplishment are not the most important thing. A more fundamental and valuable set of expectations comes first, that of acceptance. Here the prediction is: “I will do what I can”; the ambition is: “I want what I have”; and the condition is: “I should be as I am.” Never let failure to accomplish cause loss of self-acceptance.

Final words to parents

No matter how ‘super’ an achiever you are, you need to live happily with yourself. In the long run, your expectation of acceptance matters more than your expectation of accomplishment—and this is something that you must convey to your child as well.

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Imparting the wisdom of love seems like a lofty goal. It could be argued that we aren’t doing so well. More than ever, humankind faces threats of violence and demonstrations of anger and unhappiness abound. We live in a time when it is commonplace to wonder, where is the love? We crave it and so do our children. Not feeling loved leads humans to feel disconnected, disillusioned and ultimately unhappy. So how can we undo the cycle of despair and fill our children with love?

“How do you spell ‘love’?” asked Piglet

 “You don’t spell it. You feel it.” replied Pooh [A.A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh]

Firstly, it must be understood that love cannot be taught in a traditional sense. No amount of discussion about the topic will ever adequately convey its power. I think of love as a force that talks directly to our souls. It bypasses our minds and speaks to our hearts. As a result, love can only truly be understood by witnessing it and feeling it. It must be experienced to be understood. If we hope to see more light in the world, as guardians of the next-generation, it is our responsibility to step-up and show them examples of love.

It is only through witnessing love and being loved that our children will understand its power, and in turn be able to share their own loving energy with the world.

So how can we ensure our children witness and experience love? Here is a list of four simple concepts to keep in mind. Make these a part of your lifestyle and the children in your life will most certainly understand love.

1. Love yourself

Children learn through watching. Regardless of what you say, children see what you do. Love is no exception. Children will learn to love themselves [a vital prerequisite to their future health and happiness] through watching you honour and love yourself. Children are perceptive and they notice how you act and talk to yourself. Ensuring you show up with love and respect for yourself should be a priority as it will set an essential positive example for your children.

2. Demonstrate your love for your children

It doesn’t matter whether you are a parent, a teacher or an aunt—there are appropriate ways to demonstrate your love for the children in your life. Regardless of the relationship, ensure that you make time to be truly present with the children in your life. Let these little wonders know that they are special, unique and worthy. Put your cell-phones down and turn your TV sets off; give them your full, undivided attention. Ensure they feel seen and honoured as the precious little human beings they are. Be gentle with them. Pick them up softly. When dressing them, do so with as much presence and care as you can. Gentleness conveys the language of love. If you are a parent, be sure to show your children plenty of physical displays of love. Pick them up, cuddle them, kiss them, tickle them. Children will understand the feelings of love by you showing them what loving actions look and feel like.

3. Demonstrate your love for the world

Let children witness you demonstrating your love for the world and greater humankind. Be charitable and generous. Give your time or whatever you can to those in need, and let your children witness your caring nature. They will live up to the standards you set and those standards will become their norm. Encourage your children to be charitable along with you. It may be that they choose to donate old toys. Including your kids, in, for example, an elementary school fundraiser program in your local community is a priceless experience. You will all have fun and socialize while raising vital funds for a cause.
Alternatively, you could demonstrate your love for our precious earth by spending an afternoon picking up rubbish together. Teach them the power of thinking and caring about others and our world.

4. Choose loving language

I believe words are all powerful. How we speak to ourselves, colours how we see the world. Words continually fill our minds and are the basis for what we create in our reality. Fill your children’s world with empowering words. Tell them they are loved. Tell them they are beautiful, smart and they light up the world. Share kind, loving words often and freely. This will help to ensure that their self-talk will be positive. If they are full of positivity and love they will go on to reflect this energy into the world like a glowing light.

The more our children understand love through having witnessed and experienced it, the greater the likelihood they will be filled with love they can share. If we follow the above suggestions they will have a much better chance of growing up knowing love. It is the energy that our communities, countries and the world need in order to heal. Love is the energy that will create a thriving future for humankind. An abundance of hate, individualism and fear hasn’t worked. Our future lies in love, and that starts with the very important task of teaching our children its power.

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Take heart, for there is a way you can teach your children to act responsible. Kids, teenagers and young adults actually crave to be given responsibility. They may not realise it fully but they want to be thought of as “trustworthy” for handling responsibilities, just like you and I felt when we were at that age. After all, everyone wants to matter and be appreciated. This is fundamental to human nature.

Show, don’t tell

As parents, we must not simply demand compliance and blind obedience to our commands. If we appreciate that raising a child requires a new approach, we are ready to set new patterns in motion to allow the child to thrive in a new positive environment of learning.

What do we mean by positive environment of learning? It starts with a very practical and useful “coaching approach” that parents can easily learn and master.

Follow these five steps to make your children more responsible

1. Know your bottom line

Be clear about what you really want them to do. But do not demand it. Teach them the meaning of the word “responsibility” and make sure they understand it. When you are clear that your bottom line is actually about “helping them to learn to take responsibility and be accountable” then you are not simply going to shout out orders, but use coaching tools to allow them to be creative with learning about and accepting responsibilities. You may have to demonstrate how to do something that you expect to be completed.

2. Make a request

Not a demand. Make a clear and specific request in writing and put it where they will see it clearly. Do not rely on telling them—write it down. A request allows for a conversation and an explanation of how to do the chore or a certain thing you are requesting them to do.

3. Create teamwork

Make a list of daily chores and expectations for each person in the family. Everybody contributes to a happy home. Make a “chore board” for each person—parents included! That way you are teaching your children that they are part of a bigger plan—a plan that includes the entire family and in which every member contributes in different ways to the home and family. Make them feel special by telling them how much their unique participation helps the family. Everyone wants to feel special, needed and valued for their contribution. Also, make sure the chore board has a place to mark off when the action step is completed.

4. Teach accountability

This may be a big concept for children, so invest your time and effort to teach them what the word “accountability” means. Tell them that it means to “keep your word”, that you will do what you say you are going to do. Be prepared to have a long, patient conversation with your children and teenagers. They may not grasp easily what it means to be a person of integrity and high standards.

5. Be consistent

This is one of the core tenets of The Parent as Coach Approach. As a parent, you must make an agreement with yourself that teaching responsibility, self-accountability, keeping one’s word and integrity is something that may take time… even years. Do not give up on this. Teach this at every chance you get. If you “backslide” because you are tired, your children will know you are not sincere and do not keep your word. They will model what you do, what you teach and how you follow up.

Never be too busy for your kids

As busy working professionals, life asks more out of us—we must be more proactive, more determined to create quality relationship time and remain steadfast in our commitment towards our child’s wellbeing.

Get your children personally involved in your thoughts and ideas about running a happy home. Ask for them to contribute and participate as a valued member of the family. They too want peace and loving communication. Make sure you have a responsibility or action step for them in each and every activity. They will love to help!

Anchor your home on the teamwork, trust and cooperation you most likely already do at work—just take the same tools home with you! Make no excuses for being “too busy,” or “not having enough time”. This translates to your children feeling not just lonely, but unworthy of your time and love or worse, that they do not matter.

Our children are the most precious treasure we have. We must not only protect them, but teach them how to protect themselves, each other and the family. With this we can truly create the loving environment which creates healthy, happy and responsible children.

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