I know some folks think Marie is just plain intrusive. But most moms, whose priority in life is to help their children, will understand where she’s coming from. We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways. But we will courageously carry on regardless, all for the love of our children. Or so we tell ourselves.

The early years

I remember how, when I was young, single and naïve, I used to wrinkle my nose at mothers who were overly involved in the lives of their children. But then I got married and had kids of my own, and soon I knew better. What seemed unpalatable before now seemed like the most natural thing to do. As for the mothers that I had thought of as control freaks earlier, I now saw them as conscientious, responsible and caring parents.

While the kids were growing up, I spent most of my waking hours doing what almost all moms do—cooking, cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, feeding, folding clothes, changing diapers and sheets, picking up stuff, putting the kids to sleep, hauling them out of bed in the morning, teaching, while handling a full-time day job. And what did I do the rest of the time? I worried about my kids.

I pestered the babysitter [and when the kids were older, our neighbours] to find out how the apples of my eye were doing in my absence. I attended every parent-teacher meeting and doled out requests for paying special attention to my sweet angels. I noticed the rolling of eyes my frequent requests elicited, but I ignored them from the goodness of my heart and for the good of my offspring.

We moms may sometimes test the patience of a saint, and drive our grown-up children crazy by our seemingly meddlesome ways

Parenting adolescents

Things were on an even keel until the kids were in school, when I could yell at them, “Shut your mouth and eat what’s on your plate!” and they actually obeyed. Or when their howling got on my nerves and I would scream, “Stop squealing for nothing, or I’ll give you something to really cry about,” and the tears of rage would stop flowing.

The going got tough when they started going to college. As is characteristic of adolescents, now they began trying to educate their parents. It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything. They stopped asking me questions thinking they already knew all the answers. But that only got my antenna up. What were these smarties doing without my knowledge, I wondered.

Don’t know if the great Einstein flaunted his weirdo hairstyle even as a young man. But if he did, I’m sure his mom constantly bugged him to tone it down, just the way I badgered my children when I detected even a hint of strange tendencies.

 It seemed like just yesterday they exhibited insatiable curiosity, and suddenly, they didn’t want to know anything

Which is why we had some interesting interactions.

What’s that glittering thing on your tongue? Oh, it’s only candy, you haven’t got your tongue pierced? What a relief!;

My dear, you’re going out in that sleeveless dress? In this 20⁰ C weather? Cover up. Why? Because I know when you’re feeling cold;

Son, you’re going to the party like that? Can’t you wear an ironed shirt and proper shoes? And what’s that thing hanging over your collar, tied with a string? It’s the latest fashion? I don’t care, chop it off! You’ll do as I say. What do you mean why? Because Mommy always knows best. That’s why.

Stuff like that. And if we had mobile phones back then, I would have continued from where we had left off by texting them every hour.

When children are no longer kids

Despite our constant battles, it’s so satisfying to know I’ve raised smart kids. That’s why I’m hopeful that when they become parents they’ll understand what made me tick as a young mother, as also what motivates me now as an older parent. And I hope they won’t miss the point while undertaking such mental exercises.

I hope they’ll understand that when I insisted on knowing where and with whom they were going, when I punished them for watching TV during their study time, when I ignored their sulking and demanded they put their toys and clothes back in the proper place, when I let them feel the pain of getting poor grades in school as a result of not studying diligently, it was because I loved them.

The going got tough when they started going to college; now they began trying to educate their parents

I’ve long since loosened the proverbial apron strings. But I still dread having to watch my children live with the consequences of wrong decisions. At the same time, I don’t want to stop them learning from their own mistakes even now.

So yes, it’s still tough being a mom, even in the silver years. The hard part now is doling advice in matters of critical importance despite risking being labelled a meddlesome mom. But I believe, if you love your children, you will take that risk. Of course, it’s their prerogative to accept or reject your suggestions. But it’s still your prerogative to tell your children whatever you want to. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not suggesting you should lecture your adult children about stuff like how to manage their money, their children, and their spouses. If you’re doing that, back off. Double quick.

Today, I’m focussed on making sure I’m helping, and not meddling. But that doesn’t mean that every once in a way I don’t revert to my old habits. My parting shot to my children during their student days was “Have some fruit after lunch”. Well, though they’re adults now, I still remind them of the same thing over Skype chats nowadays. But no harm done, for I’m sure they’re giving such unnecessary advice the treatment it deserves. After all, like I said before, I’ve raised smart kids.

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One day, a professor in biology class in school got a butterfly cocoon to class and kept it on his desk. It was in full view of every one and he instructed the class to observe the cocoon carefully and not to disturb it in any way. He left the class soon after. Before leaving, however, he repeated his instructions. During the time the professor was gone, the shell started vibrating and slowly a crack appeared in it. Excited, the class came in for a closer look. Slowly the crack spread and the wings of the butterfly appeared. The butterfly was struggling to break free and seemed to be having a tough time doing it. One child, taking pity on it, went forward and broke the shell, freeing the butterfly. The butterfly quivered around for a few seconds and then fell dead on the table.

The whole class was shocked and in despair they sped to call their teacher. The teacher was neither surprised nor angry. He calmly asked to be told what had happened. The child who had broken the shell stood up and explained his actions, that he could not bear to see the butterfly struggling and wanted to help. Once he was done, the teacher patiently explained how the struggle for release was part of the birthing process and essential to the survival of the butterfly. The child in his eagerness to help had only caused the insect to lose its life.

Your children are like this butterfly and the child helping it in the story can easily be replaced in real life by our parents. Some parents I have seen just can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily. If you are rich then you’ll probably think, “What the heck, I can afford it,” and of course no one can bear to see their child unhappy even for a nanosecond. This is natural. The moment the child’s face drops, it’s an invisible command to the parents, who feel obliged to dig into their pockets for some monetary compensation.

Some parents can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily

They open their wallets and surrender their credit cards to the child’s whims and fancies. They end up making the store owners richer and spoiling their child’s life. If only some parents knew better.

Your teen is as responsible as you allow him/her to be

The results of my survey across several schools and colleges reveal that teenagers are neither as helpless nor as thoughtless as they are often made out to be. They are, on the contrary, quite mature, despite their constant demands and whimsical behaviours. The question asked in the survey was:

When you make demands on your parents, reasonable or unreasonable, what should your parents do?

1. Parents should comply and meet with every single demand that I make because I know what is best for me.
2. Parents should comply with only those demands that they feel are reasonable.
3. Parents should comply with demands in accordance with their budget.
4. Parents should not comply with any of my demands.

Parents would be relieved to know that 77 per cent of teens opted for option ‘b’. Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart. So next time you are plagued with, “Buy me this or buy me that,” tell your teen you will think about it and let her/him know later. If it appears to be a wasteful expenditure tell her/him that. Chances are that it is a fleeting fancy and s/he also will forget about it.

Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart

Why we ‘actually’ want what we want

While on the one hand there are teens who love to shop, there are others, like me, who detest entering stores to buy things, especially when accompanied by parents. I am in odium of the very act of wasting so much time. However, one needs to buy things and thus the trip to the mall. But as a teen who knows how to get his way, I ensure the trips don’t last long and take minimum effort. What I do is employ a simple tactic of pestering my mother to buy me things. So at every shop she wants to visit, I find myself something worth buying, but not something I need or even want. The result is that by the time we reach shop number three my mom is quite tired of saying no and wary of when I might kick up a scene [which I almost never do]. In the end, she just says, “Okay let’s quickly get our things, it’s getting late.” So we buy what we wanted to buy in the first place and make a hasty exit. Mission accomplished. This tactic, although hard on my mother I admit, works better than nagging her to be quick about her window shopping and it also saves me from some scolding.

While my story does demonstrate the will of any average, intelligent teenager, it also tells parents that we don’t always want what we are asking for. Hence, it is usually quite easy to dissuade us, if only you would give it a shot. If you are a parent who has allowed yourself to be bullied by the selfish monster at home, the future looks rather bleak. Most likely you will find the apple of your eye incapable of working and unable to survive amidst the fierce competition that exists in the workplace. When this kid grows up, s/he is yet to realise that the world is not as obliging or ever ready to shower money, clothes and gizmos on him/her as his/her parents. S/he will learn eventually, but the hard way. Please do your teen a favour and save him/her all this trouble. Poor souls, if only the indulgent parents hadn’t given in to every fanciful wish, life would have been easier for them! Giving a kid those fancy toys that are soon lying in the trash will seem pretty pointless in retrospect.

What to do when your teen makes a demand

We teenagers can sometimes make your life miserable and that’s why I am sharing my thoughts with you. Many a times I am as difficult as I can be with everyone around me. This is especially when I spy an irresistible pair of Air Jordan’s or those sparkling Nikes on the shelf, which look so enticing that it’s unfair. I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf. Or a PlayStation 4 or an Xbox 360 or other stuff of which teenage fantasies are made.

I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf

So, what is the best way for a parent to handle it?

Assess whether your teen’s demand is practical and necessary. Evaluate the situation yourself. Understand the product and its usage. If the demand is based on a whim that your child would forget about in three days, then there is no point in spending thousands over it. Say a firm “No!” Do not get angry or shout at him/her. Tell him/her politely that it is out of your range and you won’t be able to buy it. If s/he really desires a product, you can set a goal for your teen to achieve and give the desired object as a reward for achieving the goal. However, a word of caution, never promise something that you don’t intend to give.

Always think of the butterfly, keep targets and encourage your teen to achieve them. That way everyone is happy—you, the teen, and probably the salesman. It’s always Christmas!

However, life is not a piece of cake or a bed of roses. When you develop your child’s ability to struggle, you are preparing them for success, and once your teen stops expecting things to just drop in his/her lap, s/he will learn to work.

Adapted with permission from Teenage Blues, Parenting Clues by Anjaneya Mishra. Published by Jaico Books

This article was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Overprotective parenting

Do you experience a minor heart attack every time your little one trips or gets a tiny scratch? Do you sacrifice your ‘me time’ to ensure that every little thing in your child’s world is as perfect as it could be? Do you feel anxious when your young one goes out to play [without you] at a close friend or neighbours house? If so, then you need to take a break!

The problem with overprotective parenting is that many think it’s the correct method to use. Such parents consider their parenting style to be a result of their love for their offspring and no amount of reasoning as to why being overprotective is bad, makes sense to them. When our emotional brain is in the driver’s seat, the rational brain finds it difficult to take control.

So, how exactly does this sort of parenting affect a child?

Our self-confidence rests on the foundation that we are fine on our own. Adults who grow up under this parenting style feel incompetent and insecure in the absence of their parents. They miss the constant attention and expect similar adulation to be given to them in every relationship they get into. Excessive dependence on others and lack of self-direction are also some of the possible consequences, since the child becomes dependent upon their parents for every little thing.

The psychology behind confidence development is the same for adults and children. The more you achieve, the greater your self-confidence. Feeling competent sets the foundation for the development of a psychologically secure and confident individual. An overprotective parent tries to keep their child in a cushioned world, as opposed to letting him try out his skills in various activities. In contrast, a parent who has a balanced parenting style provides various opportunities for the child to try out his developing skills and gain a sense of achievement. We can see the joy on a child’s face when he is able to button his own shirt or climb a tree. This joy is equivalent to the happiness an adult experiences when he gets a salary hike or fixes an important business deal. Small tasks completed independently are achievements for children. However, some parents see these small tasks as unimportant because they look at them from their own ‘adult’ perspective instead of understanding how completing that small task could make the child feel.

So, making your child independent is necessary for the proper development of her personality. This is not to say that children don’t need supervision; they do, but it all depends on the parents to know when to
step in and when to stay out and observe from the sidelines.

Neglectful parenting

On the other end of the continuum is neglectful parenting, in which children are not considered important enough to receive attention or time. Such parents also justify their parenting style by stating that they are making their children independent. But nurturing independence requires a parent’s positive involvement, not the lack of it. Insecurity and a feeling of inferiority often accompany children brought up with a neglectful parenting style, since they are rarely made to feel worthy. Children need their parents’ love, time and attention and neglectful parents often substitute these basics with expensive toys or outings. Since they enjoy material X authoritarian X neglectful X overprotective X parenting stylesobjects, they feel that their child too wants and needs material goods more than he needs their positive involvement and attention. Reading a storybook to your child, accompanying your child when he is playing or watching his favourite TV show or simply talking to your child about his day and experiences are some ways to make a child feel worthy and wanted. Letting a child watch TV for long hours alone is one of the things neglectful parents do as they don’t want to deal with the child.

Permissive parenting

Ten-year-old Divya wants to play games on her dad’s laptop even though its way past her bed time. When her mother tries to cajole her into sleeping, she gets angry and throws a tantrum. Divya has learned that mom hates to see her angry and she uses this to get her way every time.

Some grown-ups love the feeling of being needed by their little ones. Their otherwise meaningless lives get a sense of meaning and they hold on to their young ones tightly for this reason. No matter what happens, they don’t wish to lose the love of their child. This results in excessive pampering and giving in to their child’s immature and often incorrect demands, which makes the child feel more and more powerful. Unable to control their little ones’ tantrums and misbehaviour, they continue to give in. Teaching the child about correct and appropriate behaviour as well as values is neglected and his emotions are given excessive importance.

Permissive parenting is a weak parenting style, in which the child gets spoilt and develops an excessive sense of self-importance. Such a child gets used to controlling others and getting things done according to his way, rather than through understanding and co-operation. Respecting others’ desires and opinions is a trait they don’t possess. In extreme cases, individuals brought up this way cannot accept “no” as an answer. No wonder we have so many cases of young boys throwing acid on girls who refused their romantic overtures.

Authoritarian parenting

Authoritarian parenting is a style of parenting that can be best described as becoming akin to a ‘Hitler’. It is the ‘my way, always’ approach, which is based on the belief that adults know more than children and therefore must always be ‘obeyed’ without any dissent. Such parents might ensure the
‘law’ is obeyed, but how fair are such laws? And what does it do to the sense of self of
the child?

Authoritarian parenting diminishes the value of the child in his own eyes and makes the child timid, scared and diffident. They are conditioned to please and obey people in authority, but lack the basic sense of self that allows an individual to build his own roads to success. In extreme cases, it can cause severe damage to a child’s personality.

Involving the child in the decision-making process achieves the exact opposite of having the child simply follow orders. It is important to discuss the rationale of various options with your child and help him arrive at a decision that is optimum. This approach requires significant amounts of patience and love, but it is worth the effort when you see the positive results. Thinking about various options and understanding the pros and cons of each one, results in development of creative as well as logical thinking in your child’s brain. There is no damage to the child’s sense of self either, as he is made to feel in control. Guiding your child about the right decision if he makes a wrong choice brings desirable results.

Authoritarian parents consider children to be incapable, unintelligent or immature, which is how they justify the way they bring up their child. Scientific research has now proven that children’s brains grow at a faster rate during the early years and the kind of environment and experiences they have affect the way the child grows.

Most people use a blend of two or more styles according to the personality of their child and the situation they are in. So, what exactly is the right parenting style that can yield the best results? Affectionate, yet firm parenting seems to be the answer. This parenting style makes the child feel loved and secure and makes him aware of the boundaries and limits within which he needs to stay. Inappropriate behaviour is handled through counselling as opposed to harsh discipline and the child is given plenty of positive feedback to enable him to grow into a well-rounded personality.

This was first published in the October 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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