Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Narcissistic family: What it really means

Dysfunction in families is caused by many issues. Alcohol, drug abuse, poor financial situations, and religious fundamentalism are the easy to identify causes of troubled families. However, there is a type of family dysfunction that is insidious, little understood in society, and more prevalent than you would suppose. At the heart of this type of family dysfunction is narcissism. In these families, at least one of the core caregivers is a narcissist and the whole family is taken hostage around this parent’s veiled pathology.

From the outside, the normal range healthy family and the narcissistic family may seem identical to the untrained observer, but the realities of these two families are in stark contrast to each another.

Healthy family versus narcissistic family

No family is perfect, but in a healthy family, the parents nurture their children and take pleasure in looking out for their wellbeing. Emotionally healthy parents have an acceptance of their own infallibility. They have the ability and intent to modify their behaviours and expectations to align with being a positive influence in their children’s upbringing. They use honest communication to establish order in the home and refrain from emotionally manipulating their children.

A narcissistic family, on the other hand, gives the illusion of being picture perfect. But in it, a narcissistic parent, used the family as a vehicle for his or her pathology. Make no mistake: the narcissist often appears as an epitome of perfect parenthood. However, the priority in these families is not the children but the parent with the personality disorder. What should be a nurturing environment for the children is hijacked. The narcissistic parent redirects this vital family energy into untold number of charades.

For instance, when Katie secured a scholarship she had been working hard at and broke the news to her family, her father downplayed it by talking about his achievements when he was in school. This was despite the fact that her father had never taken any interest in Katie’s life and she had almost raised herself.

Children’s emotional development

Rather than planning how to nurture each child on their individual paths the narcissistic parent will ponder what roles these children can play in bolstering his/her personal grandiose visions, with absolutely no regard to the impact this may have on the child. This may play out as narcissistic parents forcing the child to choose a profession that will make the parent proud, even if it makes the child unhappy.

The narcissistic parent will often hinder the proper emotional development and independence of children, in order to keep them in the dysfunctional orbit around this parent. Sometimes children may be pushed to succeed on a very high level so the narcissistic parent can live vicariously through their glory, or the jealous personality disordered parent may adopt a strategy to sabotage the child’s ability to be more successful than this parent themselves. Sibling rivalry is usually a given, as the narcissistic parent will employ favouritism, forcing children into feuds, and often subtly pitting them against each other.

The Enabler, the Golden Child and the Scapegoat

In the narcissistic family, all family members will orbit around the narcissist in a dysfunctional dance and will be assigned certain roles. The three key roles are that of the enabler, the golden child, and the scapegoat. These roles maybe static for life or can be reassigned at certain stages by the narcissist. The enabler parent may also assign their own personal scapegoat or golden child.

The role of the Enabler

Shane’s mother who otherwise was a loving woman would never stand up for him or support him against the atrocities of his narcissistic father. His father abused him physically and deprived him of food and money, yet his mother would always tell him how much his father actually loved him but was unable to express to him. Shane knew that this was a lie and his mother was just saying it to make the father appear good to him.

The enabler, like Shane’s mother, is usually the narcissist’s spouse or the other parent but in certain situations it can be a child. This parent often has come from a dysfunctional family, or some previous trauma. They may be naïve, brainwashed from being gaslighted over many years, dependent or codependent in nature.

Not all narcissist’s spouses become enablers. Those spouses that stay with the narcissist for life in a fairly congenial manner, are the strongest enablers, and are usually inverted narcissists, or are narcissists themselves. The role of the enabler is to tend to the narcissist needs. S/he is the narcissist’s marketing department. They manipulate the family’s perceptions of the narcissistic parent in a more positive way and make excuses for the narcissistic parent’s bad behaviours, and is often the mouthpiece for the narcissistic parent. The enabler parent often plays the go-between in the well-documented triangulated communications prevalent in these types of families. The enabler parent also neglects their duties towards the children as their overwhelming major concern is their narcissistic spouse. The enabler parent will accept even outrageous acts perpetrated by their narcissistic spouse towards their own children, and on some occasions even join forces with the narcissistic parent in attacking the scapegoated child, or may choose to attack the scapegoat on their own will. Sometimes this behaviour will be interspersed with random acts of kindness, thereby causing much confusion to the scapegoat. The enabler will often downplay their innate good characteristics, thus reframing from clashing with their narcissistic spouse’s grandiose pathology. It is the enabler parent’s job to hide the true nature of the narcissist and constantly work on damage control.

An additional note: At certain times the narcissist may scapegoat their enabler spouse as well, but the enabler refuses to see this and always goes back for more.

The role of the Golden Child

Rita was the first born to her parents and she had a younger brother Nick. Nick was the recipient of all the love and attention from her mother and was put on a pedestal. Her mother called him the ‘angel child’ and he could do no wrong. Nick grew up to be financially and emotionally dependent on his mother and could never make decisions by himself.

The role of the golden child is to be a vessel that the narcissist can live vicariously through. The golden child is seen by the narcissistic parent as the fruit of their loins, and therefore an added glorious projection of themselves. This child will be treated better than all the other children, and will be seen by the family, no matter what the reality is, as wonderful, intelligent, good looking, hard-working, or whatever is important to this particular narcissist. The golden child is the most likely to grow up and become a narcissist too. Due to innate survival instincts in the other children including the golden child, they will blind themselves to any injustices that take place within the narcissistic family. The exceptions being those perceived to be perpetrated by the scapegoat, or against the narcissistic parent. It is the job of the golden child to be the fake poster board for the perfect family.

The role of the Scapegoat

In the above example, Rita was the scapegoat who got blamed for everything that went wrong in the family. Her mother found faults in everything that she did. She never received love from her mother and kept trying tirelessly to win her approval. Her relationship with her brother was also manipulated by her mother.

The narcissistic parent needs somebody in the family to dump their rage on—this is the scapegoat. Pathological narcissists are unable to acknowledge faults or flaws in themselves or what they have created, therefore they require a scapegoat to download all their unacceptable faults on. The role of a scapegoat is usually assigned to the most sensitive, outspoken, or different child. Sometimes a child that is impaired in some way is picked as they are shameful to the narcissistic parent. The scapegoat is mistreated by the whole family no matter what they do, or how hard they try. The scapegoat endures a lifetime of blame, shame, ostracizing, neglect and emotional abuse by the entire family. It is the scapegoat’s job to be sacrificed so that the other members of the family can blind themselves to the terrible and traumatic truth that their entire life is actually a lie.

Is there any hope for the victims?

Children coming out of narcissistic families have severe emotional scarring and the degree of damage depends on the roles they played and the severity of their situation. Family members orbit around the narcissist in their casted roles for years together and some don’t ever realise that it is pathological. Due to this, the emotional damage can continue for many years undetected, even by the victims themselves. This results in untold pain and suffering to the victims, plus now also to society, as these children unknowingly spread the pathology as possible narcissists, inverted narcissists, enablers or codependents.

However once these victims recognise that they are part of a pathological situation they may choose to work a way out of it. With the help of support groups, expert therapists and modalities like EFT, victims can deal with their situation and grow out of it. Greater public knowledge of narcissism amongst the general population is our best defense in curbing this destructive and ever-growing epidemic.

The post The narcissistic family: rotten to the core appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.