People like Ms S can be frustrating and annoying to be around: a lot of us would categorise them as “difficult people”. This challenging group usually falls into a cluster of mental disorders called personality disorders. Ms S had a type of personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Is narcissistic personality disorder the same as narcissism?

The narcissistic personality was first described in 1925 by Robert Waelder, a noted Austrian psychoanalyst, and the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder [NPD] came into use in 1968. The term Narcissism originates from Greek Mythology: a hunter named Narcissus known for his beauty, fell in love with his own reflection and was so mesmerised by it that he became rooted to the spot. Soon, unable to bear this unrequited love, Narcissus lost his will to live and committed suicide.

Narcissism essentially refers to a set of traits where there is pursuit of gratification or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self-image and attributes. It was also at one time called megalomania—people who are arrogant, self-centred and manipulative. However, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not in the truest sense narcissists. While their external behaviour may resemble the qualities of narcissism [grandiosity, exploitation, arrogance] internally they are people with self-esteem issues, with a tendency to be shame-sensitive, vulnerable, inhibited and anxiety-prone [Gabbard, 1989]. The external superior behaviour is frequently just an armor [or even a fragile shell] that covers an extremely vulnerable self.

The Diagnostic and Statistical manual [DSM-5] indicates that persons with narcissistic personality disorders usually display some or all the following symptoms, typically without the commensurate qualities or accomplishments

1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
3. Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
4. Needing continual admiration from others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
7. Unwilling to empathise with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
8. Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
9. Pompous and arrogant demeanour.

How does NPD develop?

People with narcissism may have a naturally strong bent toward competitiveness. The meaning children make out of their childhood experiences—especially overtly traumatic events or very negative and chronic experiences—may increase the expression of these inherited tendencies. Research finds that narcissistic personality disorder has higher prevalence among men and roughly occurs in 6% of the general population. NPD symptoms usually decrease with age, around the 40s, like most personality disorders.

There are two subtypes of NPD [Gabbard, 1989; Caligor et al 2015] recognised in the clinical setting. The grandiose [overt] tend more toward displays of self-importance, grandiosity, attention seeking, entitlement, arrogance, fantasies of admiration, denial of weakness, and exploitative behaviour. The vulnerable [covert] are more likely to be shy, self-effacing, “fragile” or thin-skinned. They are hypersensitive to the evaluations of others while chronically envious and evaluating themselves in relation to others. It is theorized that the subtypes develop because of the different approaches of earlier caregivers: overly indulgent with extravagant praise versus cold with excessive expectations. Both types are extraordinarily self-absorbed.

The narcissistic beliefs about the Self

It is important to note that the traits of narcissism can also characterise highly successful individuals with high self-esteem [American psychiatric association, 2000]. However, people with high self-esteem are confident of their personal worth because their esteem is based on realistic self-appraisals of demonstrated talents and achievements. Corrective feedback does not trigger a dramatic loss of self-esteem. For the person with NPD, self-esteem is established by outward success and they remain firmly rooted in the importance of a flawless or powerful image, like Narcissus remained rooted to the spot while admiring his reflection. Without a flawless image, core beliefs of inferiority become activated.

People with NPD thus swing between two extreme internal views of self. When others are disregarding or critical, their internal dialogue is “I am inferior, nothing, a piece of garbage”. On the other hand, when receiving accolades or special treatment they swing the other way believing “I am superior”. In a similar fashion, they view the world also with disdain [people are more inferior than me] and swing the other way when others gain success [people are superior, hurtful, demeaning].

Soon there is erosion of their functional world—their success becomes dotted with evidence of difficulties in the workplace, inappropriate anger, exploitation of others [e.g., deceit, sexual harassment], legal difficulties, and financial problems resulting from grandiosity and entitlement.

Dealing with a person who has NPD

Recovery for people with NPD is usually difficult as they bring to therapy the same strategies that they use to cope with the outside world- trying to impress the therapist, punishing the therapist when feeling slighted [through criticism, snide remarks], demanding entitlements and treating the therapist as an inferior. Creating an alliance with the NPD patient requires special skill because the main internal relationship pattern [dyad] embedded in the patient’s mind is that of a superior person in relation to an inferior one.

As a therapist, I learnt the following mantras when communicating with people diagnosed with NPD. Some of these may be useful to you when dealing with a loved one who has NPD:

Develop a thick skin

I typically ignore slights and put-downs and use either respect or humour to manage the attack. A client with NPD, came in early to his first session and examined every certificate in my waiting room. He then picked one of my award trophies, carried it to the therapy room and sneered “Are you sure you didn’t buy this for 1000 bucks at a store? Just kidding doc”. My response [grinning] “Let’s make sure the organisers of that award don’t hear that”

Lay limits without judgment

I adopt a strategy of firmness with politeness when setting limits with NPD clients [which is usually quite often]. Eg: Speaking loudly on their phone in the waiting area is managed with a “Hope the sign was visible outside stating silence in the waiting area as it disturbs the client in the therapy room”

Defer to them

I often have a client with NPD showing off their designer watch or giving me advice on furnishing my office more tastefully. I usually reply “Oh that’s a nice watch” or “Yes, you are right, the colour scheme of this room can be changed”. Using the assertiveness principal called fogging which means “agree in part, or in principal”, is helpful to deal with such messages.

Be a good person

Look below the surface to the pain and low self-esteem that lies below. A patient was affronted because I didn’t accept her friend request on social media. “It’s nonsense that you don’t want your patients on social media because of ‘boundaries’. In reality you are afraid people will see that you hardly do any real work, unlike your other colleagues. You are trying to hide the fact that you are a second-rate psychologist”. While this attack was harsh, I framed the discussion such that the reasons for her statements emerged. One of the questions I asked her “What did it mean to you when I refused your friend request?” Slowly, her rejection sensitivity came to the surface.

Recovery is possible

People with NPD have been conditioned since childhood to over-use certain coping strategies. They believe that demanding special treatment from others, being hypervigilant to insults, punishing others when feeling hurt, trying to impress people and trying to compete, is “normal” expected behaviour. Many people with NPD do not know that their behaviour and feelings are abnormal because they have nothing to compare it to. It could be very late in their life when they first start to realise that a lot of people don’t feel the way they do.

In their journey towards recovery, people with NPD need to develop ways to blend in with the general population, discover their own unique potential and feel truly confident about themselves. Some of the replacement strategies they need to develop are:

• Cooperating with others toward achieving a common goal.
• Being comfortable with others’ achievements
• Tolerating inconveniences, frustration, lack of recognition.
• Developing an attitude of optimism
• Meeting others’ expectations without great benefit to self.

When I see a client with NPD slowly changing their ways of thinking and developing true inner confidence, this quote by Mother Teresa comes to mind “If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”

Examples cited are modified in order to protect the client’s identity.

The post How to communicate with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

No conscience

If you lacked empathy, what could you do? And lacking empathy means you do not feel bad for others, there is no guilt or remorse, no shame or embarrassment. It means you don’t get upset at anything you do, other people’s pain or distress does not affect you.

If you never felt bad about anything you did, then you could potentially do anything—abuse, take advantage of, inflict pain on others—and never lose sleep over it. For those who do have empathy, who do have a conscience, this idea is an alien one. But if you are an adult child dealing with narcissistic parents, it’s vital for you to understand and accept this.

Narcissistic parents have a long-lasting and often devastating effect on their child

That big ego

The huge sense of self-importance and entitlement, means that the narcissists put themselves first. Their wants, their needs, their desires are much more important than those of other people. In fact, they consider themselves special and superior and as such they believe they deserve favourable treatment from everyone.

They will typically make themselves the centre of attention. Think of Bette Midler in the movie Beaches where, after talking at length about herself, she says, “That’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?”

Narcissists will charm and entertain people with stories about themselves which indicate how good they are, how successful they are, how intelligent and beautiful they are and, if the attention drifts away from themselves, they will bring it back or lose interest in the group altogether.

They also want others to acknowledge how great they are. They want compliments and adoration and will even force people into saying nice things about them. This desire for constant recognition is called narcissistic supply and a narcissist cannot get enough of it.

Recognising that a parent is a narcissist is the first step in recovering from such an abusive childhood

Any threat to their ego or anything that the narcissist even considers a threat to their dominance may be met with narcissistic rage. This is a sudden bout of anger that may be out of proportion to what was said. However, these sudden and unexpected outbursts have the effect of ‘training’ the recipients how to speak and behave around the narcissist, i.e., criticism or objections will elicit rage and unpleasantness from the narcissist and compliments mean that such fury and nastiness can be avoided. This is often used as a simple punishment and reward system for controlling people.

If your spouse or boss is a narcissist, you can find ways to escape the wrath of their fury. But children have little protection from narcissists and narcissistic parents have a long-lasting and often devastating effect on their child.

The narcissistic family

There is no one ‘stereotypical’ narcissistic family. Some narcissistic parents are so busy in their own lives that they have no time for their children and the children are effectively raised by outsiders. Others micromanage their children’s lives, organising every moment, making every decision for the children—even into adulthood!—pushing them very hard to succeed so that the narcissist can take credit for their achievements. Some parents prevent their children from maturing, so the child believes they cannot survive without the parent. Others make their children believe that they have to look after the parents emotionally, physically and financially. These children do housework from a young age, pay the house bills as soon as they can work and even act as therapist to the parent.

Recognising that a parent is a narcissist is the first step in recovering from such an abusive childhood. The next step is a process of education in narcissism and the nature of the very controlling techniques and tactics that narcissists use to manipulate their victims. This step is best done with an expert in this field.

Narcissists use a combination of techniques to create dependency in their victims

Important things to understand

Why emotions were suppressed

The adult will now have many strong emotions about the family, but their emotions will have been very heavily controlled by the narcissistic parent and simply reliving and expressing these emotions is not enough to relieve the situation. They need to learn how and why emotions were suppressed so that they can make sense of their childhood.

The dependency aspect

Narcissists use a combination of techniques to create dependency in their victims. For example, alternating compliments and criticism, especially when it is unpredictable, will create dependency very quickly. Another tactic is to not allow children any privacy. For example, having to reveal all thoughts and feelings to the narcissist, or not being allowed to close the bedroom door, means that the personality of the child is not allowed to separate from the narcissistic parent.

This tactic is used in high control groups such as cults to create a very dependent bond between the members and the group, where the member loses his or her individuality and blends with the group in a destructive manner. Saying that such a child/adult is co-dependent is actually blaming the victim and does the victim an injustice.

The adult children dealing with narcissistic parents need to keep in mind that there is no cure for narcissism

As part of the dependency, the narcissistic parent will heavily influence the child’s decisions and will typically not allow the child to make their own choices.

Simply moving away from the family is not enough either… it doesn’t mean that the person’s personality develops naturally and they start making their own decisions. It takes work on the part of the victim to learn how they were controlled and how to take back control.

The risk of abuse

One common consequence of dealing with narcissistic parents is that the children often end up being abused in their own intimate relationships. Narcissists are very controlling creatures and will be able to tell when they meet someone who has been controlled by a narcissist before. The victim of narcissistic parents is therefore an easy target for a narcissist they meet later in life. The adult child of a narcissist does NOT seek out abusers as life partners. The narcissist seeks out easy prey. This is another example of how the victims get blamed for something that is not their fault.

The adult children dealing with narcissistic parents need to keep in mind that there is no cure for narcissism. A narcissist never changes. So, your narcissistic parents will not change. [They are superior beings, after all. And they are not the one with the problem, it’s everybody else. They see no need to change!]

An important decision to be made is how much time you are willing to spend with a narcissistic parent. There are all sorts of cultural values called into play here because of how one should treat their parents and so on. But understanding the nature of narcissism and how they control and manipulate people is vital to making an informed decision and taking action in order to put an end to the abuse that has been suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent.

It’s not your fault!

If you are an adult child dealing with narcissistic parents, remember that it is not your fault. This is difficult for the victims to understand because narcissists never take the blame for anything, but it is vital to get to the point of understanding this fully in order to completely recover from the damage done by narcissistic parents.

The post Reversing the damage caused by a narcissistic parent appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

As you will see from the cases in point that follow, familial love such as love between mother and child, or platonic friendship, or even love for a pet, are also just as vulnerable to such a mix-up. In fact, oftentimes true love is insulated with a sheathing of selfish obsession, which is neither healthy for the self, nor for others. A gentle uncovering is needed to reveal healthy, happy love. This is why it becomes important to be able to discern what love truly is and what it is not.

What is genuine love

Love is about nurturing and helping the loved one grow. When we feel genuine love towards another, we are concerned about the wellbeing of the loved one. In feeling so, we are willing to let go of our own wants and desires. When we love someone, we want to ensure that s/he becomes emotionally independent, self-reliant and possesses a healthy self-respect. We want our beloved to be able to think as an individual, and be strong enough to experience life’s ups and downs without getting bogged down.

Sometimes, this requires difficult decisions on our part. Like when we know that someone we love is making a mistake, we allow him or her to do so, knowing fully well that making mistakes are part of growing up and overprotecting impedes the development of the person.

Love frees, obsession cages

When we are obsessed, we lose objectivity and want a dependency-relationship. This dependency could be one-way or two-way; either way, it turns out to be a cage.

We have all known, or heard about, individuals who threaten to commit suicide if they don’t get their object of love. Fervent statements such as, “I can’t live without my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife,” are usually the result of obsession, not love.

In The Road Less Traveled, M Scott Peck defines dependency as the inability to function adequately without the certainty that one is actively being cared for by another. He differentiates “dependency” from “dependency needs, or feelings” which, he reckons, is normal. All of us like to be cared for, but it is only when such desires begin to rule us and dictate the quality of our lives that we become “dependent.”

Obsession is a neurosis and it is detrimental to our wellbeing. In acting obsessively we hinder our growth and that of our loved one. When a mother doesn’t let her teenage son leave the city/country for higher studies because she is “afraid” that he won’t be able to take care of himself, is she demonstrating love or dependency? Certainly her concern comes across as love, but it might actually be dependency. She probably likes to be needed by her son because she feels worthwhile that way. If she lets him go away, she might be making him take his first step towards independence—he may, thereafter, not need her.

Love, on the other hand, encourages risk-taking and independence. In the above example, if the mother genuinely loves her son, she would risk her own feelings of concern for her son in lieu of his growth towards self-reliance. Any relationship comes bundled with the risk of loss. People who love genuinely acknowledge and accept this fact.

Love gives, obsession depletes

When we are obsessed, which is in contrast to true love, we care little for anything else except self. What does this mean? An obsessed person is concerned only about his own feelings, and consequently all his acts are motivated by a desire to meet his own expectations. Therefore, even when s/he’s acting generously towards his/her beloved, the motivation is selfish. For example, an obsessed man showers his girlfriend with gifts, because that makes her happy, and she thinks he’s so caring and loving which, in turn, delights him. The intention then is to purchase delight for oneself in return for a gift.

On the other hand, a man who loves his girlfriend genuinely doesn’t care about his own feelings. He simply wants to give. The loving man may also feel delighted, but his act of giving is not motivated by a desire for feeling good himself, but for the sake of giving alone.

Obsession controls, love lets go

An obsessed person is insecure and his/her actions are dominated by fear. As a result s/he’s always trying to control behaviours and emotions of the one s/he loves. S/he wants to know where you are going, what you’re doing/thinking/dreaming. S/he may also dictate how you should dress, what you ought to eat, how you should part your hair, what career you should opt for, and so on. The key word here is “dictate”. The one who loves may only suggest what s/he thinks is in your best interests, whereas the obsessed will only insist. The loving individual respects you and your choice, but the one who is obsessed doesn’t trust you.

Is it love?

True fulfilment can only be possible in true love. Obsession is a self-defeating phenomenon. It is a no-win trap that only causes harm. The trouble is that it is often difficult to draw the line between love and obsession. Thankfully, there is a simple test to figure out the difference.

When confused, ask yourself what is your deepest thought. If it’s selfless, it is love. Ironically, you can’t love someone truly unless you love yourself. For how can you give away what you don’t have?

Loving yourself should not be confused with narcissism, which is obsession with oneself, and just as harmful. Loving oneself is about being secure in the knowledge that you are worthy and have an important role to play in this world, and so do others. Those who love themselves genuinely have no desire to control anyone, because they are in control of themselves.

Yes, loving the self and others unconditionally is not easy. It requires hard work and mindful practice. But, the result is worth the endeavour, you will agree.

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