Undertaken by Washington State University and University of Washington scientists and published in the journal Pediatrics, the review highlights the important role that exposure to nature plays in children’s health. Importantly, some of the data examined the effects for kids from historically marginalised communities and showed that the benefits of nature exposure may be even more pronounced for them.

Exposure to nature necessary for children’s wellbeing

“By looking at the full scope of existing quantitative evidence, we were able to see the importance of ready access to nature for both physical and mental health outcomes in childhood,” said Amber Fyfe-Johnson, the study’s lead author and an assistant professor with WSU’s Institute for Research and Education to Advance Community Health (IREACH) and the Elson S. Floyd College of Medicine. She added, “Access to nature – and the benefits that come with it – are a necessity, not a nicety. Unfortunately, not all kids are able to have regular nature contact. This is due partly to urbanisation, increased screen time and more sedentary indoor lifestyles.”

Lack of exposure to nature disproportionately impacts historically marginalised communities that typically have fewer nearby residential parks and access to outdoor spaces, Fyfe-Johnson added. Families with limited resources and transportation options also face barriers to accessing parks and natural areas outside the city.

Important to define what outdoor time means

Although these findings may seem self-evident to some, and the American Academy of Pediatrics routinely recommends outdoor play time, convincing data on the health benefits associated with nature exposure have been lacking, due partly to inconsistencies in study methodologies and definitions of outdoor time.

The authors of the study point out that not all time spent outside is equal: a parking lot is not a park, and an urban playground without natural elements is not a garden. And without strong evidence to support the benefits to kids of spending time outside, in nature, there has been little political will to enact or enforce policies that ensure equitable nature contact, said Fyfe-Johnson.

She points to prior evidence suggesting that contact with nature and greenspace may offer even greater health benefits to disadvantaged populations by counteracting some of the toxic effects of poverty. “We sincerely hope our work will help lead to improved access to nature and health outcomes for kids, in addition to reducing health disparities in childhood,” she said.

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“How are we raising our children? Are we raising them for now instead of yet? Are we raising kids who are obsessed with getting As? Are we raising kids who don’t know how to dream big dreams? Their biggest goal is getting the next A, or the next test score? And are they carrying this need for constant validation with them into their future lives?” — These hard hitting questions are posed by Dweck to make us think about how we may be unknowingly hurting our children’s prospects.

“Just the words ‘yet’ or ‘not yet,’ we’re finding, give kids greater confidence, give them a path into the future that creates greater persistence. And we can actually change students’ mindsets,” she says.

About the speaker

Carol Dweck is a pioneering researcher in the field of motivation, why people succeed (or don’t) and how to foster success.

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So many parents push and goad their children to study hard and score as high as possible in their exams. This behaviour stems from the all-pervasive belief that academic performance guarantees a successful career—a belief that leads many parents to want their children to be the next ‘Albert Einstein’. What they probably don’t know is that Einstein himself was a rebel and didn’t follow any of his parents’ plans for him.

Einstein had a deep distaste for enforced learning, and was known to skip many of his college lectures. He often felt that formal education interfered with his natural desire to learn and explore. Indeed, the genius was severely critical of the exam-based education system and once even remarked, “It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry, for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom; without this it goes to wrack and ruin without fail. It is a grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed

Einstein wasn’t alone in his views about learning. The great physicist Galileo said, “You cannot teach anybody anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves.” And Bertrand Russell, the Nobel Prize winning British philosopher, said, “Children who are forced to eat acquire a loathing for food and children who are forced to learn acquire a loathing for knowledge”.

While they have the best intentions for their children, many parents forget that learning cannot be imposed. By doing so, they may succeed in making their child score high, but at the cost of true learning. It’s worthwhile to remember that Einstein’s monolithic contributions to science were not the result of his gruelling academic pursuit but his intrinsic love for science. The key word here is ‘love’.

As parents, your best efforts are in helping your children discover what they love doing—with patience and encouragement. If you take a leaf from nature, you’ll provide your children with what they need—and then sit back to watch them grow into the best version of themselves.

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It took every ounce of mental prowess that I could muster to stop myself from running towards him. As any parent would be, I too was torn; after all, he was my son. And I was a duty-bound father who had sworn to protect him at any cost. But I didn’t move. Part of it was instinct and the curiosity to see how far he would go. Another part of it was the fact that I wanted to prove my wife wrong. You see, she always believed that I was a helicopter parent and that unless I let our son do certain things on his own, he would never learn. And while I vehemently voiced my displeasure at being boxed with such a tag, I knew it was true to some extent.

But little did I know, that in my endeavour to show her that I could let go, my toddler would end up teaching me some important life lessons as he went about his playground adventures. Over the past two years, every time that I’ve accompanied my son to the playground, I’ve had the opportunity to see some of life’s greatest lessons being inadvertently demonstrated by these little ones.

Today, I’d like to share a few of them with you.

1. Friendships are simple, uncomplicated and come in all shapes and sizes

My son was all of 18 months when the above incident happened. Up until that point, he’d been to the playground a few times, but we were his only friends. This would have been the first time that we had let him venture into the sandbox without us for company. I was petrified. Most of the kids were elder and larger than him, and seemed to be oblivious to his presence. But he surprised me. He nonchalantly strode into the sandbox and, within seconds, had started a conversation [in toddler speak] with another toddler of the same age. All it took was a smile.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step. Why not just break the ice with a smile and a hello, like he did? Simple, isn’t it?

2. Failure is not defeat

Have you ever seen a kid give up? If I’m honest, I have lost count of the number of times my son has been unsuccessful in climbing the jungle gym or pulling himself up the monkey bar on the playground. In fact, I’ve often felt my heart beat like a set of percussion drums when watching him jump from one bar to another and land face first on the sand. But he dusts himself up and tries again. And again. And yet again. With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option. With us adults, all it takes it one failure to make us feel low.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step

3. Fight, forgive, forget. Repeat

Ever think that arguments and fights are adult-only territories? In fact, I see kids fight a lot more with each other than adults probably would. But there’s a big difference. As adults, we tend to take a more “cold war” like approach to it. Kids on the other hand are brutally honest and tend to talk it out a lot more easily than we adults seem to do. I’ve found even my three year old embroiled in a “war of tantrums” with similar aged kids. But minutes later, once all the crying is done, they are back to being friends. The ease with which they forgive, forget and move on is nothing short of a miracle, and we adults could definitely take a leaf out of their book.

4. Dirt is good. Literally

I often spot my son and his merry band of other three-foot-tall toddlers, fervently digging in the strangest of places—from the sandbox to the bushes that surround the playground. While I’m not entirely sure what they’re searching for, they seem to enjoy getting their hands dirty. And often it leads to the most unexpected discoveries. The other day they found a limited edition Hot Wheels car; one that had not been manufactured for almost half a decade. Needless to say, they were very excited and there was some pushing and shoving, with each wanting to keep it. [But hey, that’s where point three comes handy.]

Of course, the lesson for us adults isn’t to literally go dig in the mud; the essence is not to be hesitant to get our hands dirty and to try something new. We are often so set in our ways and hate to move out of our comfort zones that we rarely risk trying something new. Who knows, you might find an alternate career, much like I did.

With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option

5. Of sharing, patience and turns

I’ll admit it. I’m a rather selfish person at times. In fact, there are even times when I refuse to share food with my wife. But, if you ever spend a few minutes observing some of these toddelrs at the playground, they can put you to shame. Yes, they have their moments of “This is mine!”, but largely they share their toys and play. All you need to do is ask nicely. Patience is another virtue that they all seem to pick up, while waiting for their turns to use the swings or climb up the ladder to the slides. Somehow, as adults, we seem to value these traits a lot less.

6. Anything can be useful; if you can imagine it to be

As an adult, you pick up that broken branch in your path and toss it away as waste. Kids pick it up and see possibilities. And an infinite number of them, at that.

A mound of dirt can be a castle and dew drops on the leaves can be jewels; the swings can be rockets that propel them to the skies while the broken branches of those trees could be swords.

What these toddlers, with their almost limitless creativity and imagination, teach us is that from time to time we must look outside the confines of the boundaries that we have boxed ourselves into. They teach us that there’s beauty in everything; you just need to clear your mind to see it.

But perhaps the most important life lesson that we could all learn from kids at the playground is that sometimes we just need to take things a little slow. In our bid to survive, save and secure a future for ourselves and our kids, we often forget to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of those little things.

And often, it is perfectly okay to fall flat on your face and ask for help when you get stuck.

But most of all, we need to realise that all of these little lessons will come handy when we’re tackling that large playground called life.

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How are sibling rivalries formed?

Children, especially siblings, learn very early how to separate and identify talents, interests, and passions unique to themselves. Let’s face it; siblings are in a constant battle for time, attention, affection, praise, and acknowledgment. Rather than compete head to head, they naturally gravitate towards interests that lead them away from their sibling competitors.

It usually looks something like this: Oldest child is extremely driven, smart, and academic. Second child realises that he or she will never live up to first born’s achievements, and therefore pursues music, art or sports. If there is a third child, he or she sees that academics and extracurricular activities are spoken for and therefore assumes the role of social butterfly or jokester and so on.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique, because they are perceived as threats to their own success. In other words, roles within the family are assumed and labels become an expectation.

It is common for children to begin to resent the very qualities that make their siblings unique

An impression is formed, even in early childhood, that in order to be valued and appreciated, the child must find something that she or he is good at that no one else can challenge. And while there is nothing wrong with children having their own interests and pursuing their own talents, it is important to help siblings appreciate and embrace what makes each of them special.

How can we overcome sibling rivalry?

Here are some practical ways to cultivate peaceful co-existence in children:

Collaboration on tasks

There is nothing more effective in helping children to see their siblings’ strengths than having them work together on a project. The task should be something that requires thinking, planning and execution. It can be explained that each child brings a unique perspective and skill set to the problem, and everyone must contribute. The tasks will need to be adjusted based on age-appropriateness, but an adult can point out strengths of each child throughout the task. “I noticed that Mihir thought to use the stick to prop that open, and then Samata’s hands were small enough to fit inside.”

Offering each child their own day of the week

Every child loves feeling recognised and special for any reason. Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child. Not only does this give each child a chance to express their preferences and interests in a family setting, but siblings are not likely to resent participating when they have the same opportunity on another day of the week.

Options for the child to decide upon might be what activity the family does before dinner, what type of vegetable is eaten for dinner, or what TV show is watched before bed.

Implement a ‘Child of the Day’ policy, where decisions and choices are made by that child

Validating statements

Another simple way to encourage siblings to see special traits in each other is to have them share qualities about each other simultaneously. In other words, to recognise a strength about themselves, as well as a strength about their sibling. This creates a realisation that being different is welcomed, and each person brings a special element to the family. “I am good at football. Tina is good at roller skating.” Then Tina says, “I am good at math. Rashmi is good at dancing.”

Family experiences

Children need to be exposed to and taught principles of sharing, giving and helping. There is no better way to help children see the effects of cooperation and collaboration first-hand than to experience it as a family. This may mean volunteering your time together at an animal shelter, helping an elderly neighbour complete a task, or sharing your time and talents with others. Take time after the experience to talk about why those are values that you believe in as a family.

Clear discussion

One of the things that we often forget as adults is that children need to hear what we expect from them. Setting expectations and being clear on which behaviours are desired and which are prohibited is crucial, even though it seems obvious! A family meeting to talk about the importance of supporting and embracing the unique qualities that each member of the family possesses allows for a climate of cooperation to grow.

With a little creativity and some purposeful activities to encourage children to embrace each other and their special qualities, the days of sibling rivalry, competition, jealousy and resentment can be left behind. Cooperation and co-existence are attainable, especially when there are direct expectations and opportunities to practise those values. After all, we all desire to be valued and appreciated for the things that make us unique, and the members of our family are among those who can celebrate us the most.

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Thousands of kids skip school everyday due to the fear of bullying. Recent trends suggest that bullying has become more frequent and aggressive than before and is affecting younger children too. In addition, the viciousness of deeds increases with age.

What is bullying?

If your child is bullied, it means that one or more students are intentionally hurting her or him. Bullying can be verbal, physical, and emotional. The bullied child feels mentally tortured and pushed into a corner by his or her own peers. A few rogue school kids pick on their weaker fellows and frighten them into submission and all this is done for fun.

They might be getting bullied because of weight issues, the colour of their skin, being slow at sprints, lazy at math, an unusual speaking accent or family issues, which may be known in school. Bullying could also be in the form of rumours about the child, leaving him or her out of group activities or leading to breaking up their friendships, name-calling etc.

If not contained, the child can either go into a permanent shell or explode when the breaking point arrives.

Is my child being bullied?

If your child frequently comes up with excuses in the morning to avoid going to school, it could be due to fear of being bullied. Is your child coming home from school with mysterious cuts, bruises and scrapes? Is she losing her money, lunch box, pencils and other supplies? Do you notice any abnormal changes in your child’s behaviour? Any of these could indicate that your child might be fighting a silent and lonely battle with bullies.

What can a parent do?

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem. Most kids don’t tell adults that they’re being bullied, so the onus of getting to the bottom of it is on you.

Asking them the right questions is important. Instead of asking them why their shirt is dirty and torn, ask them if there’s something bothering them and if they’d like to confide? Be gentle and assure them of your love and protection, no matter what. If you suspect that your child is reticent about the matter with you, get a trusted adult to speak to them. Some children feel more comfortable confiding in someone who is not from the immediate family. Let them open up with somebody from the pool of people you know.

The first thing a parent can do is to acknowledge that their child is facing a problem

Once you discover the issue, take it up with your child’s teachers. Be prepared for the possibility that teachers won’t know about it. Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished. That’s why, lashing out at teachers for not being aware is not advisable. Let them know that you wanted to bring to the administration’s attention what your child is facing. Let the teachers sort it at the school level, while you help your child at an emotional level.

If your child continues to behave differently even after your efforts, or if your instinct tells you that something is wrong, don’t think twice before seeking the help of a child psychologist.

Can I prepare my child to face bullies?

If children can be prepared for school exams and competitive sports, they can also be made ready to deal with peer harassment. Bullies thrive on the lack of retaliation by their victims. Your child can learn the right way to tackle bullying from experts who conduct sessions on the subject. Look out for these sessions in your city and sign up your child to attend them. If possible, accompany your child to the programme.

As an anti-bullying evangelist, I loved the Be a Star initiative taken by World Wrestling Entertainment where the WWE superstars have formed an anti-bullying alliance. They encourage children to stand up against bullying regardless of whether it happens to them or somebody else. Everyone who knows about the WWE will know how popular this show is among children. And this initiative has made a lot of children come out and raise their voice against bullying.

Bullies are clever to not carry out their misdeeds in front of anyone who has the authority to get them punished

Can we put an end to the menace?

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised. So that the next time they see it happening at school, in the playgrounds, or at home, they are able to stop it right there—or report it to the concerned authority. Once enough awareness is created at home and school, and children are encouraged to speak up, bullying can end. On the other side of the equation, counselling the bullies about the consequences of their behaviour will go a long way in checking the problem.

As a drama-based therapist, I run anti-bullying programmes in various schools. Every school that I have visited reveals 4 – 5 cases of bullying on an average. A touching example came my way during one of the drama classes attended by children of standard five. In one of our drama-for-learning session, the students spoke about their experiences based on the emotions the activity triggered. While few of them shared their experiences, I saw a hand half up in the air. This was a boy who never spoke; he would just enjoy the drama activity.

Sharad [name changed], came up and started speaking. It was then that I realised that he stammered. He spoke about the excruciating pain he feels when his classmates and students of other classes tease him for his stammering trait. He cried. When he spoke, another boy raised his hand and came up to speak. Anuj [name changed] said how he was teased by his classmates for a skin condition called eczema. The bullies teased Sharad and Anuj because they were different in some way from others and therefore were not considered normal.

Speaking to your kids about the bullying will help them know when they or someone else is being victimised

Listening to their painful story brought tears to everyone else in the class—tears of realisation, of empathy, of love. This was a moment of catharsis.

In the next class, we spoke about ‘feelings’ associated with ‘being bullied’ and ‘bullying someone’. We exchanged views on how the victim can handle his emotions and not take the incident personally, so that it does not hamper his self-esteem. Surprisingly, the bullies of the class confessed to having bullied Anuj and Sharad. We then counselled them on the repercussions of bullying and the difference between occasional teasing vs. bullying.

Kids, at times do not realise that what they are doing could harm someone’s life. The child who is bullying is also having some unmet needs being fulfilled in an unnatural way. He, too, needs guidance and hand-holding.

A version of this article was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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He is seven now, and though his love for ballet has faded, Nutcracker still remains his most watched film. He goes to a jazz class with both boys and girls, and enjoys running around and rough and tumble play in the park. He doesn’t volunteer to braid our hair as often, but still makes the most astute observations about our change of hairstyle or dressing.

He is also the most sensitive and emotionally perceptive little boy I know. Being raised by parents who have never felt the need to raise their boys as ‘feminists’ or ‘footballers’, but simply left them free to explore the possibilities between those or any other categories, he is finding his own place in the world.

Gender bias is all over

Just as news of gender-based violence and discrimination bombards us in the most disturbing ways, so does a combative wave of protest against it, ensuring that a narrative of antidote also exists in parallel. For every objectifying statement made about women, one also hears its ‘liberating’ polar opposite. For each time a man commits violence against a woman, there is an exhortation to men everywhere to ‘man up’ to being respectful and sensitive.

But how do young minds make sense of these two extreme positions and arrive at the one they wish to live by? And how do parents find their own sense of balance between ‘politically correct’ and comfortable parenting around these sensitive issues?

Here are some things you can do in your day-to-day routine to sensitise your child about gender equality:

• Watch out for stereotypes. Have you ever told your son that he needs to ‘protect’ his sister because ‘she is a girl’ or told your daughter that she needs to help lay the table or serve the guests because she is a girl? Buying dolls for the girls and cars for the boys, or doing up their rooms in girly or boyish ways are stereotypic overloads children could do well without. Right from infancy, raise your children in an atmosphere of curiosity and freedom. Allow them to explore possibilities, identities and choices as they grow up, without them having to fear being judged.
• Subtle ways in which you may be creating a gender bias in your child. While narrating bedtime stories, be mindful to avoid gender stereotypes such as princesses in need of protection by the prince and the princess repaying the favour by marrying the prince. And let them pick up toys from both the ‘girls’ or ‘boys’ sections.
• Teach them to question gender roles in the world around them. Why do you think the character in this movie made that choice? What could be the consequences of such a choice, for themselves and others? Could there be another choice he/she could have made? The next time they express a wish to ‘keep the girls out of it’ or buy that blue Kinder Joy™ instead of the pink one, ask them why they want to make that choice, and help them see another perspective.
• Model it! Most of what children pick up comes from what they see around them. If they see their parents share chores in an atmosphere of understanding and fairness, the message they get is that this is how it is done. If your children notice that it’s normal for their father to shop for vegetables or cook a meal while their mother is comfortable with fixing a broken thing, it helps to dissolve gender biases in their mind.
• Make sure responsibilities are given keeping interests and abilities in mind, rather than being based on what girls or boys ‘ought’ to do. If your little girl enjoys cooking and baking, by all means encourage her to try her hand at it, and if your son is good with electronic repairs, let him enjoy the responsibility. But if your son enjoys playing with your daughter’s doll house don’t lose sleep over it. Let them know that they are free to experiment with the other role as and when they like.
• And finally, remember that promoting equality irrespective of gender, caste, skin colour or economic status, may be more important than promoting equality based on gender alone. Men and women are different, not necessarily equal in every way, just as no two people are or can be equal in every way. But that difference does not warrant discrimination. That is the message to focus on.

Among us are women who are great drivers and mountain climbers, men who are amazing chefs and have an impressive sense of design, and perhaps what allowed each of them to be all they wanted to be, is someone who believed in their worthiness as people, not as men or women. Let us raise our children in this spirit then, where we value them for who they are and not how well they fit into defined categories.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” goes a popular saying, though I think it’s applies equally to men as well. Few things get to a person’s soul more than the hurt, betrayal or ending of an intimate relationship. And few things are more damaging than the subsequent spin out and fury done in front of, or to, the children of the men and women scorned.

How bad-mouthing your spouse affects your kids

• Karen is 43 years old and still talks about the pain she went through when her parents divorced. Her father left her mother for another woman. For decades afterwards, Karen’s mother repeatedly told Karen what a cheater her father was. She made visitations a constant fight and she spent many years trying to turn Karen against her father. To say that Karen was put into a loyalty bind would be a gross understatement. She was not allowed to have any positive feelings for her father without her mother taking it as a personal affront to her. The divorce altered Karen’s life; the constant fighting between her parents damaged Karen’s wellbeing.
• Sally and Ken are divorced. During the marriage, Ken was emotionally abusive to Sally and their two children. After the divorce, Ken continues to be emotionally abusive. He tells the children how incompetent their mother is, he makes fun of her, he bullies his way into her home and dismisses Sally’s attempts to set limits. Sally’s children are growing to hate their father and learning to dismiss their mother.
• Mary struggled for years to save her marriage. When she was finally done and filed for divorce, Frank was shocked. He alternated between crying, saying he couldn’t live without her, and getting angry, making threats about how hard he would make this divorce. The entire divorce was rife with conflict. Frank would cry to the kids then angrily tell them that their mother “did this”. “She’s the one responsible for breaking up our family!” Their two kids wanted to love their mom and dad, but found it more and more difficult to be around dad. They cried when they had to see him. They begged to not go to his house, and over time, they just refused to go.

The consequences of trash-talking

Disrespecting your ex-partner hurts not only your children and your family, but also yourself. Listed below are just a few of the many repercussions of bad-mouthing your spouse—regardless of how bad a person you think s/he is.

• Carbon copies: Your children are made up of 50 per cent of your genes and 50 per cent of your ex’s genes. When you tell your children what a loser or cheat their mother/father is, they take that in. If you tell them that their parent is that terrible, then they think they must be too. Don’t put that on them.
• Loyalty bind: When you constantly bad-mouth the other parent, you put your children into a loyalty bind. They will feel as though they can’t love both of you without one of you being hurt. Not being able to love one parent because the other parent would be upset is a huge stressor for them.
• Boomerang effect: It is not your job to ‘show’ your children how awful their mother or father is—that’s unhealthy thinking. And it often has an uncanny way of backfiring. Children can get tired of constantly hearing how terrible their father or mother is and begin to hate the parent who’s doing the bad-mouthing—even if the other parent caused the original hurt to the family. Children are keenly insightful; they will see the true colours of both of you. Be sure you’re showing them the colours you want to be known for.
• Creating a template: Children live what they know, they know what they live. When they see two parents attacking one another verbally, emotionally and physically, they take that in as a template of the way to fight. They will internalise the idea that if they’re hurt, upset or mad at someone, they have the right to annihilate that person just as they see you doing to your ex-spouse. This behaviour will wreak havoc in their lives and relationships for years to come. Don’t set them up to internalise this dysfunctional template.
• From difficult to damaging: Divorce is difficult for children under the best of circumstances. However, when done with integrity they will be okay. When you go through divorce in a toxic and bitter way, you make a difficult situation a damaging one. Your children deserve much more from both parents.

The heartbreak and sadness of losing someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with can be intense, to say the least. Many, if not most, people who experience divorce go through moments of feeling these intense emotions and, of course, no one goes through the process of divorce perfectly. However, one of the roles of being a parent is to always keep the best interest of your children at the forefront of your mind and at the heart of your choices. As a parent, you don’t have the luxury of letting your anger get the best of you—even in the most difficult of times—and certainly not over and over again for years.

Rise to the occasion. If your ex will not allow that to happen, then have your home be a safe haven from the strife of a bitter, vengeful parent. It will be the greatest gift you could give yourself and your child. Take the high road. Be the parent you would like to have if you were a child in this situation. The biggest gift you can give your children is the gift of an amicable divorce.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Sahil, you should focus on your studies. Whenever you need something just tell us and we’ll get it for you. Leave the money handling to us.”

Big mistake

“Dad, I want to open a bank account of my own.”

“But Arushi, except for a little bit of pocket money that we give you, you don’t have any more money. What will you do with a bank account? It will be one more account for us to manage”

Bigger mistake

“Dad, I read in a book that we should invest our money wisely so that we can stay ahead of inflation. I think I should invest the money from my savings account in a Fixed Deposit. I have heard that Fixed Deposits earn a better rate of interest.”

“Harshita, you only have a few hundred rupees in your account. It’s not worth investing that anywhere. Whatever investing needs to be done, I am doing for you.

Disastrous!

Knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or unconsciously, or perhaps based on what we have inherited over generations, it has been engrained in our minds that money is the root of all evils. Though we understand that we cannot avoid dealing with money, we believe that we should at least keep our children away from this ‘evil’. And this mistaken belief is what drives our behaviour whenever our kids question us on money or want to deal with it themselves. We become so protective that we do more harm than good for them.

First things first

Is money evil? Is it so bad? Well, if it was so bad, why are you working for it? Money is not the cause of evil. It is only the ‘greed of money’ that causes evil. Let us assume that you are holding a kitchen knife in your hand. Now, if I ask you whether kitchen knife is good or bad, what will your response be? You would say that it depends on the intent of the person with the knife—he can use that knife to kill someone or as a kitchen tool. It is exactly the same with money. Money is neither good nor bad. It depends on the intent of the person holding it. Look at Bill Gates and Azim Premji and you would realise that money can be such a boon for the society.

Now, I never understood the logic as to why we should keep our children away from money. We are preparing them in life to earn and deal with money, but want to keep them away from it till they start ‘mis-managing’ it and start learning from their own mistakes. What an irony! I know that they will finally learn by making mistakes, as all of us did. There is no harm learning from one’s mistakes, but there is one thing your child would have lost if you wait till she makes money for her to handle it—and that happens to be the most critical element that makes the money grow—TIME.

The time leverage of INR 50 saved and wisely invested over 15 years is far more than the value of INR 10,000. The key is to teach your children early. And lecturing will not work. Get bank accounts opened in their names while you are the guardian. Their curious eyes must see the interest being credited into their savings account under their name. They must realise the power of the fact that their money can earn more money for them.

They should see their interest earning more interest for them. They must see time leverage in action in their own bank accounts. Once they absorb this concept that money is their slave, they will never have to be taught about saving a part of their pocket money. You will be surprised to see the changes in them. I have seen this with my children, and with most mature adults who were not aware of the power of saving early-on.

Every parent should do this

Every parent should keep in mind the following to ensure the future financial wellbeing of their children:

• Irrespective of the amount, make sure that you give your child pocket money. This ‘earning’ helps them learn concepts like money is limited, that they must plan and spend, and they must save a part of the money they get.
• They may start saving in a piggy bank, but sooner rather than later, open a bank account for them and get them involved in the process. Preferably take an online banking facility. Your kid’s bank account can be linked to your account and you can monitor it at any stage.
• Show them the bank account statement—either online or a hard copy—which shows the interest credited. Do not worry about whether the amount is big or small; it’s the concept that has to be explained, and engrained in them. The concept is that their money just became their slave; it just earned more money for them in the form of interest.
• Starting to save early is the single most important factor that will determine their wealth in the long run. If you have missed this train in your life, do not let your child make the same mistake. Tell him that he or she should try and save from his/her pocket money. This habit will go a long way.
• Let them define their own saving target every month. The equation “Expenses = Income – Savings” is far wiser than the equation “Savings = Income – Expenses”. The former teaches you to spend after you save, while the latter inculcates the wrong habit of saving whatever is left after spending, which in most cases is negligible. Though technically same, there is a world of difference between these two equations.
• Lead by example. Your child will follow what they notice you doing. If you are in the habit of saving money and controlling your expenses, it will not be difficult for them to follow suit.
• Discuss money with them—openly and quite often. Money is not a taboo. It is a necessity of life. Its priority ranking comes quite close to oxygen. Teach them to deal with it properly. If they don’t learn to deal with money from you, and our academic institutes do not teach them, the chances that they will mismanage money are quite high. Do not leave this critical life skill to chance.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Sigh… how times change! To get him excited about school restarting, we take him shopping for a school bag, shoes and all the paraphernalia needed for the year.

But that is an easier challenge. The tougher one is packing a healthy lunch and snack for him daily.
Most parents will agree that getting a child to eat his lunch at school and making sure it’s also healthy can be a nightmare. It’s a common sight to see the lunch boxes coming back with food that is untouched or half-eaten. No wonder all parents struggle with getting their kids to eat right.

The question they ask is: what foods should I pack so that my child gets the optimum nutrition from them.

Prepare a kid-friendly tiffin

Here are some tips to keep in mind while deciding the menu for your child’s tiffin:

Variety: Variety is the spice of life—and it most certainly is in the case of children, who get bored of eating the same food too often. A change in the menu every once in a while adds a surprise element to the boring lunch box. Give rice or rotis a break, pack a club sandwich or an egg roll or something that they love and you can be sure that the box will come back home empty.

Colour: The saying that ‘we first eat with our eyes’ is apt. If something doesn’t look good, it’s very unlikely that your kids will finish it. Try adding a range of colourful foods [and here I don’t mean adding food colours] by pairing two or more different coloured vegetables [eg: adding some peas to cabbage will make it more appealing].

Presentation: Make eating a sandwich more exciting by cutting it into different shapes and sizes. Try using a cookie cutter to make different shapes for not just sandwiches, but also fruits and vegetables.

Exotic names: Ever noticed how your kids are enamoured by the names of dishes at restaurants? Kids love the food served at restaurants simply because they are different from what is made at home. You may not be a gourmet chef [I know I’m not], but you can always give some exotic names to simple dishes. For example, my son was bored of sandwiches until I grilled them one day and called it a ‘panini’—he happily ate it all. Make a mental note of the names of dishes at the restaurants you eat at and use those names when you cook those dishes at home.

Be innovative: There are no rules in cooking—dare to be different, change the ingredients, substitute, add your kid’s favourite fruit/vegetable and voila!—you’ll have a new dish. My kids love mushrooms, peas and broccoli and I add them to their least favourite dishes, to make sure they eat them.

Involve the child: Take your child along when you go grocery shopping and let her help you choose the vegetables, fruits and other essentials required for the week. You could also give a choice between two items and let them choose one for their lunch box. Another trick is to mention what is for lunch so that they look forward to lunch time.

Packing a healthy lunch box for your kid isn’t always easy. But make sure to avoid packing junk food or processed foods like chivdas, chips and cakes . Some kids have their lunches delivered to them at lunch time while others carry it with them in the morning. If you pack your kids tiffin in the morning, keep this in mind:

• Avoid dishes like khichdi or bisi bele bath, which turn hard and unpalatable when they turn cold.
• When the weather is hot, curd can turn sour by the time kids eat it at lunch. To avoid this, you can put in a few ice cubes into the curd and put it in an insulated container. A trick for curd rice is to mix the rice with just a tablespoon of curd and add milk so that it sets in by lunch time.
• To avoid sandwiches and wraps/rolls from getting soggy, make the filling dry and put some butter/cheese slice or a lettuce leaf between the filling and the bread/roti.
• When packing dosas, don’t make them too crisp. Crisp dosas taste great when eaten hot off the griddle, but may break or become hard when eaten later. Try not to spread the batter too thin on the tawa, cover and cook for a minute or two, then flip it over and sprinkle a few drops of water and let it cook. This will keep the dosas soft when eaten at lunch time.

Each child is different and their tastes too change like the seasons. So don’t get too worked up if they are still fussy. As long as they are healthy and growing at a steady rate, they’ll turn our just fine.

This article was first published in June 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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