I know all this, because I was once you. Though there was no known medical cause, I had failed to conceive for many years and that often made me feel lonely and miserable. In retrospect, after conceiving spontaneously, I realised that there were things I could have done differently that would probably have made my journey a tad easier.

In this article, I am sharing with you a few of my insights in the earnest desire that it will make your journey a little easier.

5 tips to help you stay emotionally resilient during your fertility struggle

1. Actively seek support

A lack of moral support makes the fertility struggle worse. It’s like you are in your own little gloomy bubble, with often only your partner for support while everyone around you seems to be making pregnancy announcements or having baby showers. And you silently wonder to yourself why are you ‘left behind’ or when will it be ‘your turn’.

The problem is that infertility is invisible to those who have never experienced it. Only the ones who have walked this path understand and relate to the gamut of emotions that you feel as well as the innumerable ways in which it impacts your life. When faced with fertility roadblocks, we tend to seek out the best gynaecologist, IVF specialist, weight-loss expert, acupuncture expert and what not—but we also need to seek emotional support from those who can help us ride the emotional roller coaster that this journey entails.

I had a couple of  friends who were my ‘go-to’ people. But since they had not personally experienced fertility struggles they didn’t always have the right things to say, nor did they know how to offer support to me. Had I made it clear that I only wanted someone to hear me out and not suggest endless solutions or treatment options to help me conceive, they would have been able to be there for me in the way I needed them to be.

Seeking the support of people who are, or have been, in similar situations can help ease the anguish and also provide the much needed hope. Alternately, you can confide in a trusted friend or loved one and actively ‘ask’ for support. This could even be a parent, sibling, relative or friend— anyone except your partner. It is important that categorically ‘ask’ this person(s) to be the shoulder you can cry on when needed, and your cheerleader on other days. This will require you to be open and vulnerable at first, but trust me, it will give you the much needed support on your journey to becoming a parent, which you badly need. Make sure you choose these people wisely—they must be on your team.

2. Speak about your fertility struggle

This is one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had spoken about my fertility struggle when I was facing it. For me, it was the elephant in the room. When you have been married for a while and don’t have a child yet, people take it as an open invitation to ask you personal and uncomfortable questions. When such questions were thrown at me I just recoiled and either changed the topic or gave some random reply. However, had I been open to speaking about it frankly, it would have spared me the needless guilt and angst. On the few rare occasions when I did reply that I don’t have a baby yet, because I am having issues conceiving, I received an apology from the person for their insensitivity. A few women even shared how they had once faced the same. Talking about my struggle with fertility felt more freeing to me as well—not having to hide anything and not pretend that everything is fine in my world.

3. Be your own fertility advocate

On our journey to conception we consulted more than one expert and our experiences with each were varied. However, throughout the journey we made sure we only went ahead with a suggested medication or treatment if we both felt aligned. For example, we once met a renowned gynaecologist who went into a tizzy the moment I told her I have not conceived even after a few years of marriage. She suggested that I’m losing time even as we spoke and that—believe it or not!—I should get admitted immediately and undergo a procedure the next morning. While this may work for some, for us such undue pressure didn’t feel right. We were not wanting to work with a doctor who made us feel like we are falling behind in the race against time to have a baby. Plus, I was already anxious and did not want someone who would increase my apprehensions. So we told her we need time to think, and obviously changed our doctor.

4. Banish self-blame

We live in a world where becoming a parent is adulated as if it was a personal achievement of sorts (I fail to see why!), while those who willingly choose to remain childless are ostracised in many ways. Mothers are venerated as demi-gods who can do no wrong. And because we’re constantly receiving such messages from all around us, it conditions us to look at a fertility challenge as a personal defeat. Not being able to conceive becomes our ‘fault’. Along with the denial and sadness, comes the impulse to blame ourselves. And then we go looking for reasons in our life or lifestyle that are responsible for the situation. Thoughts like “I shouldn’t have waited so long”, “I should have lost/gained that weight”, “Why did I eat so much junk all those years?”, “Is there too much plastic in my food or chemicals in my cosmetics?”…the list goes on.

I, too, often found myself going down that road of self-blame, though I tried to remind myself that this is really beyond my control.

Your fertility challenge is not your fault. It’s just a card you have been dealt. A bad one, no doubt. But no different that those who have problematic skin, or thinning hair, or premature greying or a weak heart, or OCD or any other health concern. None of those are our “fault”, right? Likewise, difficulty or failure to have a baby is not your fault. Please say that to yourself as many times as you need to, and change your self-talk.

5. Check in with your male partner

It’s heartening that almost every woman whom I have spoken to who was facing fertility challenges, shares that their partners were their biggest support. Which brings me to an important aspect of the fertility struggle: how is your male partner coping? For me too, my partner was my rock, but I wonder how he stayed afloat and processed his emotions and anxieties about our life situation.

There isn’t much support out there for men who are going through struggles on their way to becoming fathers. And women struggling to conceive, it’s likely that we get engulfed in our own despair and forget to spare a thought for what our partners are going through, what they are feeling and how they are coping. Do check in with your partner from time to time. Also, just in case you discover that your fertility challenge is due to a health concern with the male partner, do not point fingers or make them feel bad about it [even in your weak moments]. If failure to conceive is not your fault, it isn’t his either. It’s just a bad card he [and you as a couple] were dealt.

Summarising…

While I may have regrets about few things that I could have done but didn’t during my ‘trying to conceive’ years, I do cherish that I did try to celebrate the little things that life was offering me, and always stayed hopeful.  I hope you are able to do the same and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you, just as there was for me.

The post How to stay resilient during your struggle with fertility appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

She visited her family doctor who suggested some tests and thereafter nonchalantly announced the diagnosis: polycystic ovarian disease or PCOD.

Like Priya, PCOD creates havoc for one in every five women and this statistic has been rising at a frightening pace since the past two decades.

Conventionally, PCOD is treated symptomatically, which means every symptom is treated separately. There are different medicines, each given for the acne, irregular periods, weight loss, insulin resistance, hair fall and so on. While these treatments do help to control the symptoms, they don’t treat the underlying cause. For that, you need to approach this condition holistically.

Here are a few things you can do that will not only address the symptoms but even help in reversing PCOD altogether.

Manage insulin resistance

A woman with PCOD is surprised when she discovers that her doctor has prescribed to her medicine that is generally given to diabetics even though her sugar levels are normal. This is because PCOD and insulin resistance go hand in hand. Lack of exercise and unhealthy food habits makes your body resistant to using the available insulin. To compensate, your cells start producing more insulin. It is insulin resistance that makes it difficult for women with PCOD to lose weight. This extra insulin may also cause your ovaries to produce more male hormones such as testosterone, which explains facial hair in some. To make your body sensitive to insulin requires some big changes in your diet and lifestyle, as advised in the next point.

Say no to processed foods

As much as possible, eat foods that are in, or close to, their original form. Avoid processed foods. E.g., have fruits instead of drinking packaged juices or eating jams. Eat vegetables as a salad, soup or sabji; avoid ready-to-cook packet or soup packet. Avoid ketchups, sauces, bakery items, biscuits, refined flour, cakes, pastries, vanaspati and sugar. You can eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, dates and raisins. Desserts can be home-made, prepared with organic jaggery or dates.

Move more

If you want to bid farewell to PCOD forever, you have to fall in love with moving more. That could be walking, running, swimming, cycling, yoga, weight training, zumba, dancing, climbing stairs, doing more house chores or anything that requires your body to move. If you have a sitting job, get up and walk around after every 60 – 90 minutes. Most importantly, always include some form of strength training in your workout regime. If you can spare only 20 – 30 minutes a day to exercise, spend that time doing some form of resistance training rather than walking/running.

Get enough sleep

Regular sleep is important to maintain hormone health. Aim for at least eight hours of sleep daily and keep a regular sleep schedule. Ideally, go to bed by 10pm and avoid seeing any screens at least an hour before bedtime. Sleeping and waking up at a regular time helps to regulate your body clock, which in turn harmonises your hormones. If you can, also take a 30 minute power nap at mid-day. Sleep will also speed up your weight loss efforts.

Keep away from hormone disruptors

Certain foods, such as dairy, can disturb the hormone balance in your body and hence, should be completely avoided. The milk available these days is produced using a lot of hormones and chemicals that are entering our body through the milk. Avoid using plastic containers for storing or heating food and water. Plastic contains certain chemicals that are released in the food and water when it is heated. Instead, use glass or steel containers and bottles. Avoid using the microwave for cooking or reheating food.

The post Want freedom from PCOD? Make these five changes appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here are some of the things patients hate about doctors, and with good reason. If you encounter these repeatedly, maybe it’s time for you to look for another (better!) doctor.

Signs of an unprofessional doctor

1. Makes you wait endlessly: If your doctor routinely makes you wait and that too, for no rhyme or reason, this reflects either poor time management on the part of the doctor or a disregard for the patient’s time. Unfortunately, many doctors seem to take a kind of perverse pride in making their patients wait. It’s true that patients need to be patient, but not in a doctor’s “waiting” room.
2. Does not give sufficient explanations: Doctors are used to having their orders being followed, so they just tell their patients what to do, without explaining what or why.
3. Doesn’t discuss options: Many doctors are authoritarian, and expect blind obedience from their patients. They refuse to consider alternatives, let alone discuss them.
4. Behaves rudely: Doctors like to project how busy they are and how valuable their time is, so they are often rude and inconsiderate. Their ability to keep patients “in their place” lends them a false sense of importance.
5. Does not reveal or explain consulting/treatment costs: Most patients are reasonable and expect to pay for medical services—they just need to know how much the cost is, so they can budget for it. But there are doctors who think it is below their dignity to talk about crass matters such as money; others use this as an excuse to extract every last penny they can from their patients.
6. Does not respect the privacy of the patient: It is the right of every patient to expect undivided attention from their doctor, at least for a few minutes. But they often fail to get even this because there are doctors who talk to two or three patients at once. Such doctors believe in multitasking in order to improve their efficiency and their “patient through-put”.
7. Never listens to the patient: Many doctors feel they “know-it-all” and do not even bother to listen to the patient’s perspective or feelings. They may dismiss what the patient says or cut short the patient when they are speaking. Patients feel cheated when they cannot unburden themselves.
8. When the chemistry is not right: I received an email from a patient, who said, “I drive my current doctor crazy. I question everything and I just can’t follow orders until I actually agree to follow them.” That’s a good idea! Many doctors prefer passive patients who agree to do what they are told to. Unfortunately, what they don’t realise is that these silent passive patients are often the ones who don’t “follow orders”. Indeed, they are the ones who are non-compliant. While it is true that it does take longer to talk to active, questioning patients, they are the ones who are much more co-operative and compliant, once they agree with the treatment plan, because they have played an active part in its formulation.

Many senior doctors continue with these bad habits, partly because they can get away with this behaviour, and partly because they don’t know any better. Unless patients learn to speak up for their rights, the doctor-patient relationship will always be lopsided against the patient.

Get off your knees

I can understand why poor,  patients put up with such behaviour. Beggars can’t be choosers, and they are so grateful for any care they receive at government hospitals, that they don’t expect any better. But why do affording patients, who pay large fees to their doctors in posh hospitals, tolerate such rudeness? Unless patients learn to get off their knees, doctors will remain comfortably ensconced on their pedestals.

Patients are unnecessarily scared of changing doctors. They feel that their doctor will be “hurt”; or that “he knows my case” and therefore they should stick to him. Sometimes, a fresh re-assessment makes a world of a difference. I often see patients who have received poor quality medical care. When I ask them why their doctor did a particular procedure (which was unnecessary), they look nonplussed, and the standard answer is: ”Because the doctor told me to.” When I enquire why they didn’t check to see if the doctor’s advise was correct, their stock reply is: “But I had faith in my doctor .”

Don’t trust blindly

Yes, it is important to have faith in your doctor, and to trust him. But you need to be careful in whom you repose your faith. If you find a good doctor, your faith will be amply rewarded. Unfortunately, patients are often not always good at discerning good doctors from and bad ones, and their blind faith can prove to be expensive. This is why it’s a good idea to do your homework before going to your doctor and also to verify everything he tells you independently. Doing your “due diligence” will pay off handsomely.

You have a lot more at stake than just money or time when you go through any medical treatment. It’s important for you to choose a doctor you feel comfortable with, so you have peace of mind that you did your best, no matter what the final outcome. If you aren’t happy with your present doctor, it’s time to look for alternatives. Everyone is allowed to make a mistake once, and you may have been unlucky with your initial selection. However, there’s no excuse for making the same mistake repeatedly. Learn from your mistakes and act now, rather than suffering in silence, and regretting later.

The post Signs that your doctor is unprofessional appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Of course, we knew all about adoption—didn’t everyone? We were to pretend it wasn’t adoption, the biological parents were to pretend it wasn’t adoption, and our future children were to pretend it wasn’t adoption.

This was the first guiding point that helped us chart our way through the adoption ocean: We soon found out that everything we ‘knew’ was wrong and we started to see adoption from an entirely new point of view. Our adoption agency coached us on this newfangled thing called ‘Open Adoption’ in which the birth mother can interact with the adoptive family. Not even 10 years old at the time, there was very little research available on this alternative to the closed adoptions [in which the birth mother’s identity was kept secret]. The children of past open adoptions are only now becoming adults who can express what it was like to have knowledge of, and perhaps contact with, two sets of parents—one of biology and one of biography.

Perspectives

When infertility takes away choices, a couple can be struck hard by Baby Fever. All that matters is having a baby and becoming a parent. When the chosen method is adoption, there can be a myopia that is focussed on only one part of the adoption triad—us, the adoptive parents.

But people in successful open adoptions are mindful from the very beginning of the other two parts of the triad: [1] the baby who will become a child, a teen, an adult; and [2] the birth parents who will always have an undeniable influence on the child, no matter the degree of contact.

Before taking up any endeavour, be it sailing or parenting or adoption, you do well to learn the lingo. And while there is no consensus in the Adoption World on which terms are acceptable, we know that the words we use both influence and reflect the spirit of our open adoptions.

Adoptive Parent: Typically, I do not call myself an adoptive mother. I am a mom, period.

Birth parent or first parent: There is no definitive answer that ruffles no feathers. But let’s explore some commonly used titles.

• Birth parents: This term is not technically accurate for a father because he doesn’t give birth. And it’s limiting for many mothers—they contribute much more than labour and delivery. Still, it is perhaps
  the most widely used and understood term currently in use.
• Biological mother: This term limits my children’s first parents’ role to that of DNA providers. To me, this term is just too clinical, although it is well understood in adoption circles.
• Real mom: so who changed all those diapers and woke up in the middle of all those nights to soothe—Fake Mom? ‘Real’ means ‘exists,’ so this would include both moms [or both sets of parents].
• First parent: This term honours the people who gave life and does not diminish the role of the adoptive parents. Rather than implying that the adoptive mom is second it denotes that she is last—forever. However, from a child’s perspective, ‘first’ may imply ‘second’ and ‘third’ and so on, with a possible a sense of impermanence. Still, I often use this term as one of honour.

Our destination

Each adoption triad [first parents, adoptive parents, and the child him/herself] must decide what success looks like, but here are some considerations from people in open adoptions.

• Success might mean that members of your triad give each other permission to feel and express feelings appropriately, even if those feelings aren’t pretty. When the adults in the triad do this, we show our children how to do this for themselves.
• Success might mean setting boundaries out of love rather than out of fear or insecurity. The more both sets of parents resolve their own adoption issues, the fewer the child will have to resolve.
• Success is knowing that the couple didn’t just build a family by welcoming a child, but by extending their family beyond just the child.
• Success means the child is happy; that updates, visits and relationships are ongoing; that no one in the triad feels victimised; that promises are kept. It means an absence of antagonism.

Deciding on open adoption

Like most decisions in life, choosing openness in adoption involves trade-offs. Let’s take a look at what is gained and what is lost with openness.

Pros

• More people to love you and your child
• You have access to the child’s medical history as it unfolds in the lives of his birth family members
• Your grown child has access to medical history as it emerges [as birth parents age and issues tend to develop]
• The child is less divided in his/her loyalties
• The child does not wonder about the Whos or Whys. Gaps in his/her story can be addressed when the child is ready to ask and process bits of the story.
• The child has access to people he/she looks like [genetic mirroring]
• The child has the opportunity to merge his/her biology and his/her biography.

Cons

• More relationships; more chances for complications
• Control issues may arise
• As with in-laws, you may have to interact with people you might not ordinarily choose to.
• Possible boundary issues
• Possible feelings of insecurity for parents
• Fear that the child will be confused

On DNA

What’s the big deal about biology? Aren’t the adoptive parents the ‘real’ parents, even though the child doesn’t share their DNA?

It may be easy to discount a genetic connection once you’ve gotten on the adoption path. If you’re in an ‘either/or’ mindset—either they are the parents or we are—you almost have to downplay biology in order to elevate yourself.

But remember? Likely, you tried very hard at one time to have a biological child. You wanted to gaze into a face that looked somewhat like yours or your beloved’s or a glorious combination of both. You wanted to share your lives with someone who shared your traits and had bits of your bio-information swimming in her veins. Biology probably was important to you at one stage of your journey.

For all these reasons biology may also, at points along the way, be important to your child. For a teeny-weeny double helix, DNA sure packs a punch.

When you think about it, isn’t it amazing to contemplate a thread that goes back farther than your mind can grasp? That there is an unbroken line from you stretching to the dawn of humankind? That line, and the relationship webs that accompany it, connects each of us to every person who has ever taken a breath on this planet.

Adoptees grow up with the biology of one clan and the biography of another, and are sometimes unsupported in healing that split. Adoptive parents must accept that they have no hereditary influence on their child. Birth parents may grapple with the idea that a child of their own genetic line was lost to them.

I’m just saying that DNA matters. And as a mom via adoption, that doesn’t bother me at all. Because I matter, too.

Adapted from The Open-hearted Way to Open Adoption by Lori Holden and Crystal Hass, Published by The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

The post Opening up to open adoption appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.