When hardship abounds, so does despair. Fortunately, humankind is also capable of experiencing another emotion when faced with adversity that can be cathartic for all concerned—compassion.

Compassion is natural in humans

Compassion, according to Emma Seppala, Science Director of the Centre for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, entails an “emotional response when perceiving suffering” and “an authentic desire to help”.  Though we may be disheartened by global news coverage of our fractious and fragmented world, researchers posit that compassion is innate in animals and humans.

While our species can be callous, contemptuous and cruel, we also harbour a “natural tendency” towards compassion that has contributed to our survival, argues Seppala in a Psychology Today article.

In an experiment, conducted by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues, participants were given a fixed amount of money. Half were instructed to spend it on themselves, while the other half were asked to spend it on others. Researchers then measured the happiness levels of all the participants. Contrary to what we might expect, the researchers found that people who spent money on others were more content than those who indulged themselves. Seppala argues that compassion benefits us at multiple levels.

Multiple benefits of compassion

Physiologically, people whose happiness stems from having a sense of purpose in life have low levels of cellular inflammation. In contrast, people who derive happiness from hedonistic pursuits exhibit high inflammation levels. Thus, purpose rather than pleasure seems to be conducive to our physical health. Further, lives imbued with purpose or meaning are more often other-directed as opposed to self-directed. Rather than viewing the world through a self-obsessed lens, a feature linked to many psychological problems like depression and anxiety, focussing our attention on others and their problems can widen our perspective.

Additionally, compassion also enhances our longevity, possibly by mitigating our stress levels. Seppala cites a study by Michal Poulin that found that stress is linked to mortality for most people. However, for “those who helped others,” the stress levels did not “predict mortality.”  Apparently, being of service to others nourishes the self.

How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity

In these bleak and uncertain times, are there things you can do to cultivate compassion? Indeed, there are! Let’s discuss a few ways you can cultivate compassion:

Meaningful contributions

In a blog post on PositivePsychology.com, psychologist Heather Lonczak suggests that we engage in acts of altruism. Though most of us may be home-bound, consider ways you can harness your skills and talents to make meaningful contributions, however small.

If you are adept at sewing, you can make masks that can be distributed to needy people.  Or, perhaps you can conduct pro-bono online cooking classes for kids to keep them engaged and occupied while their harried parents catch up on chores or work.

You may reach out to elderly family members to check if you can shop for them. Or consider making a donation to help migrant labourers who have lost their jobs.  In fact, there are opportunities aplenty at this time for you to tap into your altruistic spirit.

Avoiding judgement

Lonczak also exhorts us to avoid judging people through a negative lens. Often, we don’t fully understand the context behind a person’s compunctions. Though we may disapprove of another person’s actions in a particular situation, know that we can’t entirely predict our own reactions to the very same predicament. Instead of harping on the differences between you and the rest, trying to find similarities or areas of common ground can promote compassion.

Being grateful

Being grateful for all that is going well in your life can also make you more compassionate towards those who aren’t as fortunate. Engaging in meditation, specifically the Buddhist practice emphasizing loving-kindness, can increase the ambit of your compassion. And, most importantly, don’t forget to exercise self-compassion.

The key is to practising self-love

Often, we are harshest towards ourselves, especially when it comes to personal failings and inadequacies. But if you wish to cultivate compassion, you need to begin with yourself: stop berating and criticizing yourself. Psychologist Kristen Neff, who has studied self-compassion in depth, identifies three components on the website self-compassion.org:

1. Avoid beating yourself up

First, when we fall short, we may deny our imperfections or judge ourselves harshly. Neff exhorts us to recognise our flaws without disparaging ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a friend.

2. Accept pain as an inevitability

Second, when you suffer, know that pain is part and parcel of the human experience.  Acknowledging your common humanity with others will make you feel less alone during trying periods. Even if those around you seem better off, remind yourself that almost everyone is hit by the vicissitudes of life and your pain too shall pass.

3. Practise mindfulness

Finally, cultivate mindfulness so that you can view your thoughts and feelings from an observer’s point of view without getting unduly mired in them.

Let’s cultivate compassion and make our world richer

If we thus hone our ability to exercise compassion, the world will definitely be richer for it.  While we hope that Covid-19 is curtailed sooner than later, the pandemic has given us a chance to plumb the reservoirs of human compassion.

The post How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Or the time when you held your little one in the same way?

Merely thinking of these moments brings a smile! How beautiful love is! True love is the sweetest thing ever, don’t you agree?

Love is the most beautiful experience for not just human beings but all sentient beings. Indeed, even plants respond positively to love, as many studies have established.

Science understands love as “the release of oxytocin” in the brain.

Seems simple when you put it like that? If it’s so easy, why can’t we do it more often? Why is it so hard to love truly?

In the following article we’ll explore:

• What is Love?
• What is Unconditional Love?
• Is Unconditional Love Possible?
• How can one practice Unconditional Love?

What is Love?

For most of us, whether we accept it or not, what we call love is a conditional agreement, a kind of unwritten contract. We find such conditional love in relationships. And relationships are built on mutual expectations and conditions.

For example, you expect your husband/wife to be faithful to you. If they cheat on you, it’s a deal breaker.

So “love” is lost. This type of love requires boundaries to exist.

In this way, almost all relationships have a boundary. If both parties stay within these boundaries, the relationship blossoms.

And when the relationship blossoms, only then this love exists.

Think of all the broken relationships you’ve had in life. Look carefully at the cause of the break.

On the outside, it could seem like a very physical “incident” or “fight”. But when you look at it closely, it was because one of the people stepped outside the boundary. Your love came with strings attached.

Such love exists only within the boundary. There’s nothing wrong with it because boundaries are essential to sustain relationships.

But there is another, higher type of love, which transcends such limitations. It’s called unconditional love.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is love without a boundary.

And tell you the truth, there is no such thing as “love with boundaries”.

Love, by its very nature, is boundless. It is not for certain specific people, it is for all. Love does not expect anything. It is the ultimate nature of life.

If you don’t agree just take a look around you.

The sun spreads out in the sky and touches everyone. It does not differentiate. It just gives. There is no expectation in return. It is boundless.

The Sufi poet Hafiz illustrated such unconditional love beautifully: Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.

Whether you appreciate this or not, this is affection without any limitations.

This is love.

We tend to label and box love into different kinds: maternal love, romantic love, parental love and so on. But we’re just fooling ourselves when we do so because love has no “kinds”.

Sure, there are different relationships and the way you express love in each of them is different. But love is always only one “kind”: unconditional.

Is unconditional love possible?

When we open our eyes and become more sensitive, this question shall not exist.

Because the answer is a big YES.

What we mean to say is we are being loved unconditionally. Even as you read this article you are being loved.

Don’t believe us?

Look around and see the energy that sustains your life.

Whether you’re angry, sad, happy or indifferent—the wind still blows on your face, the sunlight still shines on you, the plants still give you fresh air. The food that you eat is a piece of life that has been given up for you to live!

No one tells you “I love you” every second. But love is expressed in ways we don’t always appreciate.

The closest to unconditional love in humans is the love of a mother. The mother always puts the baby first, no matter how the baby acts or reacts. And this behaviour often extends into adulthood: most mothers still put their children before them. That’s because a mother experiences the child as an extension of herself.

Unconditional love between couples

Unconditional love in romantic relationships requires maturity and  understanding.

The reason romantic relationships exist is because people have mutual needs. People want to be loved, to express their love, to belong.

But putting the other before oneself and ignoring one’s own needs can lead to an unhealthy emotional state.

For example, if your significant other is an alcoholic, the relationship may do more harm than good to you.

But then, is unconditional love impossible in romantic relationships?

No, it is possible.

For this, the relationship and the love need to be separated.

The basis of any relationship is boundaries. Boundaries are what make the relationship beautiful and at the same time define them.

Love does not need a relationship, though relationships blossom with love.

So in the ideal scenario, the relationship exists under boundaries defined by the people involved. For example you may mutually decide that meeting your ex-lovers is outside the boundaries of your relationship.

Thus both the partners need to agree to and respect the boundaries. The boundaries are also not a thumb rule. They expand as the couple mature. You can clearly see this in the behaviour of older couples as compared to newlyweds.

Love, on the other hand, is independent of your relationship. When love is unconditional, it exists whether or not the relationship exists. Because it is by nature not ‘conditional’. And not being conditional, it frees the lover from all expectations and their associated disappointments.

Yes, only when love is unconditional is it rewarding to the lover. Otherwise, we set ourselves up for disappointment, sooner or later.

How can one practise Unconditional Love?

Even though it expects nothing, unconditional love is self-rewarding.

A good way to experience the power of unconditional love is to practise with an inanimate creation. Something that will neither reward nor disappoint you. You could use a rock, an image of your guru/master or even a living being like a plant.

Why?

Because it will save you any disappointment of unfulfilled expectations. Since you cannot expect anything to come out of loving a picture or a plant, it becomes easier than loving a human being who may unknowingly hurt you.

Once you start loving unconditionally this way for a while, you could take this to real human relationships.

But how do you actually start loving a rock or a plant?

The answer is easy. The same way you love a person. Or the same way someone loves you.

Here’s an exercise for you. And I guarantee by the end of it you will experience unconditional love.

• Get yourself a plant: You can adopt one at a local garden or buy one from a nursery and place it in your window. Or better still, you could grow a local variety from the seeds of the food you eat.
• Make this plant a priority: Think of this plant before yourself. Put its needs before your needs. Feed the plant before you eat. Greet the plant when you come in and go out of your house. Spend time with the plant like you would with a loved one. If you feel weird at first, it’s natural. But persist and you will discover wonderful things. Just remember “the plant comes before you”.
• We express love differently: Remember that the way you express love is unique to you. You may not be one to speak a lot. So you don’t need to do it with the plant. Maybe you express love by just spending time or by offering food. Be true to your expression.
• Time: Love takes time to blossom. Be patient. Though we’ve said this enough, we’re not here for the fruits. We’re here just for the sake of being here. Make all your effort with the attitude of only giving.

Once you feel unconditional love for your plant overflowing, graduate to loving another human this way. Make him or her your top priority. Do not expect anything from them—and love them even when they don’t act lovable, especially when they act unlovable.

Sooner or later, you will begin to feel unconditional love blossoming in your heart, making you feel lighter, happier and fulfilled.

Ram Dass says, “Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.”

So don’t think of unconditional love as an unattainable attribute of God. It is an intrinsic characteristic of every living being; it is the very nature of creation, and it exists within you, too.

Let us all give expression to this hidden potential within us.

The post Unconditional love: How to practise it appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“I am good when I give to others. It’s better to give than to receive.” Myth or magic?

Although many of us have grown up believing that it is our solemn duty to give, give, and keep on giving to others, that is only half-truth—a myth that prevents us from living joyfully and giving fully. Instead, consider what the world’s great sages say: You have a duty to give to others and to give to yourself. When you are in need, you must also receive. This advice sounds obvious, but how many of us are even near the top of our own copious to-do lists?

The principles of giving and receiving that apply to our daily lives are no different than the principles that operate in nature all around us. “A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop,” said the Roman poet Ovid. The earth must receive enough sunshine, water, and nutrients before it can produce a bountiful harvest from the seeds we plant. After the earth has given birth to the harvest, it must then rest and restore its life force so it can give again. The same is true of your life. How can you give to others if you don’t first nourish and fill yourself?

In a way that you might not have considered before, that question is embedded right inside the first principle we are taught as children—the golden rule. The golden rule is found throughout the world’s traditions. The Mahabharata, the ancient epic of India, says, “Do naught unto others, which would cause you pain if done to you.” Islam affirms that a true believer “desires for his brother that which he desires for himself,” and Christianity teaches, “Love thy neighbour as thyself.” Yet, if we are to love and treat others as [that is, in the same way that] we love and treat ourselves, how does that leave them if we treat ourselves with anything less than love and affection? Put another way, we can’t really honor others if we don’t first honor ourselves.

Myth: It is always my duty to give to others.

Magic: It is my duty to give to myself as well as to others. By giving to myself, I am giving to others.

Here, then, we meet the first paradox of the inner art of giving and receiving—we are able to care for and love others best when we care for and love ourselves first. Like all true paradoxes, the two seeming opposites are not mutually exclusive but mutually inclusive.

There is a season for both giving and receiving. Ecclesiastes, known as “the Teacher,” tells us [in the words made popular in the song by Pete Seeger]: “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;… A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” Our job is to recognize which season we are living in at the moment and honor its call.

Learning to give to yourself

Some of us are awesome givers but not very good receivers. We don’t ask for support. We don’t admit to others or to ourselves that we need any. We don’t even like to accept compliments. We reside on one side of the paradox [“I have a duty to give to others”], but we have forgotten about its complement [“I have a duty to give to myself”]. When that happens, the universe will step in to wake us up, to create balance, and to show us that we must honor ourselves too.

No matter who we are, life automatically apprentices us to the art of giving and receiving, and our lessons often begin with what we can see and touch—our bodies. They start with the questions: Do you love yourself enough to honor your body’s needs? Do you give yourself the nourishment, rest, and recreation you deserve?

If you don’t willingly give that to yourself, your body will eventually make sure you get it. I saw this happen to an acquaintance I would spend time with a few times a year at business meetings. At one meeting, I asked how she was feeling, knowing that she had been recovering from a recent surgery. “I’m good, but busy again,” she said with a frown. “If I don’t get some time off soon, I’m going to have to schedule another visit to the hospital!” My heart skipped a beat as I realized that she might very well fulfil her own prophecy. She hadn’t learned the lesson her body had tried to teach her the first time.

I’m no stranger to these lessons myself. When I was recuperating from my own unexpected trip to the hospital, a friend, who was a nurse, insisted on dropping by a few times a day to make sure I had everything I needed. She could see I was having a hard time sitting still and accepting the fact that I should rest, so she appointed herself my guardian angel for the week. I kept telling her that I felt fine and there was no reason I couldn’t get up. Besides, there were so many things I needed to attend to. She didn’t buy it. Looking me straight in the eye, she said, “Your job now is to sit still and relax.”

If we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies

She went on to tell me that she was just passing on a lesson she had learned when she had gotten sick. Like me, she had wanted to bolt from her bed and get going. A mentor of hers, catching her out of bed, sent her right back under the covers. “It’s where you belong,” she had told her. “You’ve been a nurse for so long that you think you should always be giving to others. Now you have to learn to receive.” I could identify with that. I suspected that my tendency to work so hard for so long was partly what put me into the hospital in the first place. After my friend left, I sat back, closed my eyes, and promptly fell asleep. She was right. My body wasn’t quite ready to start giving again.

Although we have been taught to think that spirituality encourages us to turn our attention away from the body and the material world to what is “otherworldly,” there’s a misconception wrapped up in that logic—a misconception that the world’s great teachers have warned us to watch out for. They tell us that if we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav, for example, said, “Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.” More than two thousand years earlier, this same realization prompted the founder of Buddhism to develop one of the keystones of his philosophy—the Middle Way. Siddhartha Gautama, an Indian prince, left his wife and young child looking for something more than riches and material pleasure. For six years he was an ascetic, believing that the practice of intense austerities would lead him to his goal of becoming enlightened. Depriving himself of the nourishment he needed, he became so weak that one day he almost died of starvation.

Fortunately, a young girl found Gautama and offered him a bowl of nourishing rice milk. Realizing that his sacrifices and severe practices had not brought him closer to enlightenment, he gratefully ate the meal. Strengthened, he vowed to meditate under a tree until he attained enlightenment. Gautama faced many temptations during the ordeal but, with his strength intact, he succeeded at last in achieving his goal. After his awakening, the first thing he taught was that only when we walk the Middle Way—can we attain enlightenment, indeed any deeply held goal.

That universal principle of the balanced Middle Way applies as much to us today as it did to those who first heard it from the Buddha’s lips. We, too, must examine whether our extreme sacrifices and the habits we think are making us “good” are actually bringing us closer to the fulfilment and meaning we seek in life. Do you sacrifice the needs of your body because you have adopted the myth that “my one and only duty is to give to others”? Do you ignore the warning signs and messengers who are trying to get you back into balance? Do you think of your body as something you must love?

Nora, a biochemistry researcher, found that changing how she looked at her body changed her life. For years, Nora had struggled with all kinds of diets and regimes without any success. When she had a serious health scare, she told herself that this was the last straw. She had to get into shape. It was now or never.

Fast forward three months. That’s when I met a new Nora, with a triumphant smile on her face. She had astounded herself and her friends by losing more weight than she had ever thought possible in so short a time. “I tend to be in my head a lot,” she admitted, “and so I never took much time to pay attention to my body. Once I started doing what was good for me physically, I saw that it wasn’t about losing weight but about loving my body. That made all the difference. Being careful about what I feed myself isn’t hard when I think about it like that.”

The first step to bringing your life back into balance is to be able to recognize when you are out of balance

You don’t have to be overweight to identify with Nora. With the hectic pace of our lives, when something has to give it’s often our bodies that get the short end of the stick, whether that’s reflected in the meals we skip, the fast foods we gobble down on the run, the excessive stimulants we drink, or the exercise we never quite fit in. The problem is that when we don’t keep our body in balance, the rest of us—our mind, our emotions, our spirit, our relationships—suffer as well.

There is a scene in the book Zorba the Greek that sums up the importance of caring for our bodies. The earthy Zorba never does anything without total resilience and passion. Zorba’s boss has yet to learn the joys of his life-affirming lifestyle. When his boss, head buried in a book and in the clouds, claims he’s not hungry and doesn’t want to eat the delicious meal Zorba has just prepared, Zorba exclaims, “But you’ve not had a bite since morning. The body’s got a soul, too, have pity on it. Give it something to eat, boss, give it something; it’s our beast of burden, you know. If you don’t feed it, it’ll leave you stranded in the middle o’ the road.”

The illusion of being full

Another myth that makes it hard to give ourselves the attention we deserve is the myth that busyness is strength—that the more balls we can juggle, the stronger we are. When we seem to have the ability to keep pushing—to go, go, go—we believe that we can do anything. We think that we’re members of that special breed who are built to give and who don’t need to rest and take breaks as much as everyone else. This is, in fact, a trick we play on ourselves. The truth is often that the more driven we are, the less energy we really have.

Brendan Kelly, an acupuncturist and herbalist who specializes in Chinese five-element acupuncture, talked to me about how this works, because, admittedly, I’m one of those who has managed to fool myself. Like all healing traditions, there are many ways of looking at how energy works in the body and in our lives, and what follows is just one interpretation of the classic Chinese view of how the body, mind, and spirit work together. It’s based on the idea that the body naturally needs alternating cycles of activity and rest so that we can replenish our reservoir of strength.

Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness

An abundance of activity in our lives creates what Chinese medicine looks at as “heat” in the body. The heat we produce by our constant busyness uses up our body’s “coolant,” which we need in order to maintain our internal resources and reserves. When we use too much of our reserves and have much more heat than coolant, we can start to have a variety of symptoms, anything from anxiety and insomnia to hot flashes, redness, or heat anywhere in the body. “This coolant is what the Chinese call yin energy, and it is one source, though not the exclusive source, for our internal peace as well as deep wisdom,” Brendan explained. “What happens when we burn out this coolant is that we are sacrificing the possibility of deep peace and wisdom for short-term activity and busyness.”

In other words, by keeping our lives full of activity without taking time to reenergize, we create “a lack of internal peace and we don’t have the ability to listen to who we are,” said Brendan. “Without enough ‘coolant,’ we cannot know who we are in our heart or express who we are in a balanced way.”

As you might expect, we can rebuild our yin energy [our coolant] by relaxing and creating a state of stillness, whether by giving ourselves more breaks or more sleep, engaging in prayer or meditation, or using certain healing therapies.

Now, here’s how we trick ourselves. The less strength or resources we have within, the more we may sense an internal inadequacy, as if we just don’t have enough to keep going. None of us likes that feeling, so we tend to push even harder to make up for it. We pump ourselves up with stimulants, fill our days with activity, and create more external busyness. All of that masks the feeling that we’re really running on empty. The busyness, the activity, and the stimulants conceal our internal depletion and create the illusion that we have more energy than we do. Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness. We are skilled at creating all sorts of products and elixirs to help us keep on buzzing. But all along, the internal buzz that we label as energy isn’t real energy. Instead, it indicates a lack of real energy.

“The extra heat in the body gives us the impression that we have more energy,” says Brendan, “but we don’t have more energy—just more heat. When you use heat instead of real energy to propel you through the day, what you give up is a sense of internal well-being.” What’s the difference between that and a state where we are truly energized and full? When we have ample inner resources, we don’t rush to and fro. Instead, we are at peace and have inner stability because we feel full and secure. We take care of what needs to be done, but we aren’t consumed by the compulsive need to push beyond what our bodies can handle at the moment because we know that we cannot continue to give to others if we ourselves aren’t full.

Myth: My drive to stay busy and my ability to keep doing more means I am strong.

Magic: Stillness creates strength.

A classic image that is sometimes used as an analogy for this process is that of a fire [heat] burning beneath a bowl [our body] that is holding water [our yin coolant]. The fire heats the water and creates steam, which represents what the Chinese call ch’i, our vital energy or essential life force. The ch’i is the sustaining energy we need to live. When things are in balance, the fire creates a natural warming effect. But if the fire becomes too hot, the water begins to boil. If this goes on too long, the heat literally consumes the water and dissipates the energy we need to bank our inner fire. Once the water is boiled away, we can literally collapse because we are not able to produce any more energy, or ch’i.

“When this happens, the results can be dramatic,” says Brendan. “One month you feel that you have a lot of energy and the next month you fall off the cliff—you’re in bed and you can’t move.”

Are you running on full tank or are you running on the illusion of a full tank? Do you let your tank become empty before you fill it up again and therefore run the risk of stalling out? Do you let your light go out because you don’t have enough oil in your inner lamp? In short, where do you put yourself on the list of priorities in your life? Too often we relegate our needs to the bottom of the list, if we’re on the list at all. We take care of our duties and obligations to others first and use the energy that’s left over for ourselves. But, truthfully, how often is there any energy left over?

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief

What if we reversed that order? What if we made sure our lamp had enough oil in it first before lighting the way for others? Wouldn’t that help us keep our lamp burning strong so we could give more light to others? To do that, we must learn to recognize our inner needs and then draw healthy boundaries so we have the time and energy to fill those needs. To renew ourselves so that we can continue to give, and give well, we must embrace the paradox that saying no will enable us to say yes.

If the idea of saying no makes you cringe, know that this principle comes straight out of spiritual tradition. The greatest teachers knew how to say no. Like all of us, they needed time alone to recharge and renew. Even an indefatigable missionary of mercy like Mother Teresa taught that renewal is a prerequisite for strength. She said that renewal is what gives us the energy to continue serving others. She observed that “the contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest, and mountain” and said that we, too, are called to withdraw at certain intervals. It is when we are alone with God in silence, she said, that “we accumulate the inward power which we distribute in action.”

She was following the advice of her own teacher. Jesus did the same after he fed the multitudes the loaves and fishes. He told his disciples to go into the boat ahead of him, and “when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.” With a somewhat lighter touch on the same topic, John Barrymore once joked that “God said it is not good for man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief!”

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief. That’s when drawing boundaries [saying no politely, of course] is appropriate. When your energy is ebbing, it’s time to shift gears from an active orientation of giving energy to a receptive one of receiving. It’s time to plug back in to your energy source and do what most reenergizes you—whether it’s walking in nature, listening to a favorite piece of music, playing a game, or simply closing your eyes, doing nothing, and taking a long, deep breath.

Getting to know you

Instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits and pumping yourself up with more stimulants so that you can fulfil more commitments to others, honouring yourself calls for a different habit. It asks you to become conscious of what you need, right now, inside and out. In order for you to do what you must to regain balance, and to remember to do it tomorrow and the next day and the next, you first have to know yourself.

“I know myself”—it’s one of the most profound statements we can ever make. Self-knowledge, after all, is the ultimate goal extolled by mystics and masters the world around. Inscribed in the forecourt of Apollo’s temple at Delphi was the famous command “Know thyself.” The Book of Thomas the Contender says, “He who has not known himself has known nothing,” and the Zohar, from the Jewish mystical tradition of the Kabbalah, encourages, “Go to your self, know your self, fulfill your self.”

One of the reasons you may not take specific actions to fill your own needs is simply that you don’t really know yourself at the most basic level. You don’t know how you really feel and what you really need. While “knowing yourself” is a lifelong goal that has deeper and deeper layers of meaning, you can take tiny steps toward that goal every day. Here’s a simple question that can help you refocus on what you need to do to come back into balance: What do I need right now to be happy?

When I’ve asked myself that question, I often answer that to do my most creative work, I need quiet and I need regular doses of fresh air out in nature. Yet awareness alone is not enough. If I don’t care enough to honor myself, to put those needs on my priority list, I won’t remember to turn to those antidotes when I begin to feel cranky and anxious. When things start spinning out of control, unless I make a point of asking myself that question again and again, I forget to fill my lungs with fresh air. I forget to take control and create the quiet I need by turning off the phones, refusing to look at my e-mail, or physically moving myself to a quiet spot to work.

A friend who works out of her home reminded me of how empowering it can be to know yourself and then act on that knowing. One day I asked her when was the best time for us to meet. She immediately replied in a straightforward way, “It’s better for me to meet in the late afternoon. If I go out in the morning, I am tempted to start doing errands. I stop here and there on my way back to my office, and I just don’t get the work done that I need to do.” She knew that much about herself and therefore she could set up a schedule that was best for her. Like many of the methods for honoring yourself, this doesn’t sound difficult, but it takes practice. The change starts with watching yourself, getting to know yourself, and then translating that knowledge into action that honors your needs.

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One night, as Nagarjuna was preparing to retire for the day in the ruins of some ancient monastery, he sensed the presence of someone. Upon probing, he found a thief hiding behind one of the columns. He held out his golden begging bowl, and said to the thief, “Here take this. This is all that I have. I hope now you won’t disturb me while I’m sleeping.”

Delighted, the thief grabbed the bowl and ran away—only to come back next morning. Handing over the bowl to Nagarjuna, the thief said, “Here take this. But I want something else from you. Will you give?”

“What do you want?” asked the great saint.

The thief said, “When you gave away this bowl so freely last night, I realised how rich you were—and I was so poor. O great man, teach me how to acquire the wealth that enabled you to give so freely.”

We derive a sense of safety and self-worth from our possession

The true measure of wealth

While I don’t know what happens afterwards, I suspect that Nagarjuna must’ve freely given away the lesson that the thief wanted—that real wealth has nothing to do with how much we possess. The true measure of wealth lies in our capacity to give freely.

Ordinarily we tend to accumulate, acquire, hoard. One look into our closets, our cabinets, our store rooms and it’s amply evident that we are attached to stuff. We derive a sense of safety and self-worth from our possessions. Yes, we were conditioned to save for that rainy day, and to protect our future. But when we possess beyond all our needs and wants and yet find it difficult to give away, what does it say about our status?

Giving sans value judgements

And even when we do give, we do it sparingly and with dozens of value judgements attached. For instance, we may give only to the poor, the needy or the deserving. Or we give with an ulterior motive—because we expect the favour to be returned. Such kind of giving is transactional and does not reflect wealth.

No matter how big our bank balance and how great our net worth, if we can’t give freely, we’re poor

While giving the golden bowl, Nagarjuna didn’t care whether the man was deserving—after all, he was a thief! Neither did he bother to find out if the thief was needy. How does that matter to a giver? He gives because he can’t help giving. Pure and unadulterated giving doesn’t concern itself with anything else.

No doubt Nagarjuna was tuned into Nature’s great secret—that giving freely is the mark of true wealth. Nature doesn’t discriminate. The apple tree gives its fruit to everyone—the rich, the poor, the hungry and the well fed. The cloud that’s become heavy doesn’t concern itself with whether the land is fertile or barren, the lake is empty or full—it rains without any value judgements. And Nature operates from the position of abundance—it’s intrinsically wealthy.

Tapping into your intrinsic abundance

Those who give freely have an intrinsic sense of security that comes from trusting the universe and knowing that everything is provided for. Such people know that material wealth is transient. It’s here today, gone tomorrow and back again the day after.

No matter how big your bank balance and how great your net worth, if you can’t give freely, you are poor. Likewise, if you can give away even your last possession, you’re wealthy beyond imagination. And such wealth cannot be purchased or earned. It can only come from tuning into your intrinsic abundance.

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I feel that these ideas have promoted giving—but for the wrong reasons. When we give with expectation, the spirit of giving is killed—because the underlying intention is to ‘get’. This kind of giving is business-like—we always look for some gain before we are comfortable giving. For example, philanthropy, charity, and donations are often ways to command the goodwill of the public, get blessings from godmen, save tax or all the three.

If you think this kind of transactional giving is just restricted to the corporate world, think again. The get mindset is so ingrained in our psyche that most of us hold back on giving even love unless we can see some personal benefit. The flip side of such a mindset is that we are equally uncomfortable receiving anything, because we suspect that the giver’s kindness might be motivated by some expectation. The net result of this give-to-get mindset is that we practise a contrived form of altruism, which keeps locked the true joy of giving.

To me, the purest form of giving is when we do it for its own sake and not because we expect something in return. The joy you experience when you give like that, cannot be described in words. And I will not even make an attempt to do so. But I earnestly invite you to try giving without expecting and find out for yourself how powerful a phenomenon it is. As you do so, you may realise that abundance has nothing to do with what you have; it’s about what you can give away.

Here’s a secret—the beauty of giving freely is that it signifies abundance. It’s an inner acknowledgement that we have the luxury of giving something. In other words, we cannot give away that which we don’t have. So, whenever we give, whether it is our money, time, advice or even kindness, we experience instant abundance. But only when we do it without any expectations, without any underlying need—material, emotional or spiritual.

Complete Wellbeing supports Daan Utsav observed from October 2^nd to 8^th

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How to reach this stage of turiya? This is a problem of spiritual life. We struggle, we strive, and we starve—on three lower stages; when we feel hungry, our hunger cannot be satisfied by even most delicious dishes; when we feel thirsty, this thirst cannot be quenched by the choicest drinks. Our hunger and thirst continue to grow. Then it is out of the yearning heart goes forth a cry “O, for someone who may take us out of our little selves into the larger life of the Spirit, someone who has drunk out of the elixir of life and eaten the prasadam of God’s grace.” Such a one, for want of a loftier name, is called a “Guru”. I love to speak of him as “Beloved”. You will look at him, he will look at you, he will look into you and will read your heart like an open book. Each will recognise the other and he will softly whisper in your ears, “Come, my child. Follow me.” And without a single question or doubt, you will follow him wherever he leads you, unto the very ends of the earth, unto hell even!

Aspire for spiritual growth

The search of the worldly man is for goods of the earth, its pleasure and power; the quest of a true seeker is for a guru. Jesus said, “Seek and ye shall find.” By ‘seek’ he did not mean, ‘seek a guru’. A guru is not a dictator, not a task master, nor a hypnotist, who will paralyse your will. A guru is a friend, a helper, a brother, a burden bearer, a guide and a way. He is so humble that very often he does not even acknowledge being a ‘guru’, but for those, who would be his ‘disciples’, he is a friend and fellow pilgrim. It is only after the seeker has found one such person that is when his spiritual journey begins.

It is so difficult to get a true ‘guru’ these days, when religion has become just a shadow of reality. We cannot leave home and wander, from place to place, in search of a real man of God. Only one thing is possible—aspire that it may be your fortune to draw near to someone touching the hem of God. The law of the seeker’s life is ‘aspire,’ even as the law of the worldly men is ‘perspire’—see how men perspire in pursuit of things which the world gives and the world takes away.

Aspire—like the smoke of a fire, always rise upward. Let the fire burn within you. The fuel for this fire comes from a communion with saints. Commune with them by serving the poor; for the poor are their rupas—their broken forms. Commune with them in your heart, in the hour of silence and solitude. For silence and solitude are as essential to spiritual growth as sunshine and water.

A saying ascribed to Jesus goes, “Devotion has 10 parts, nine of which are found in silence and one in flight from men.” Enter into silence and commune with the saints. Commune, by reading their words of wisdom and the story of their lives, and their spiritual striving and attainments. Study and reflect upon these teachings.

Read but remember that books will not take you far. There is always a chance of falling into a pitfall—vanity of learning. Read little, practice more. Let your reading reflect in your daily life. So become a ladder unto yourself to reach beyond you.

The true guru, in a variety of ways, teaches two things—viveka (conscience) and vairagya (desirelessness). Viveka is the inner faculty which discriminates the true from the false, the abiding from the passing. All that you see with your eyes is a fleeting glimpse of transient things like bubbles on the surface of a lake. Your beautiful clothes, big bungalow, and your friends and parents will pass. Atman, the spirit alone will abide. So strive to reach atman.

And vairagya is non-attachment, desirelessness. It grows with the realisation that desires are a madness which make us move incessantly on the wheel of birth and death. If master desires, you become truly free and only then you enter into the peace that defies description. Not until the cords of desire are snapped, can a man hope to make true spiritual progress. Nag Mahasaya, a mystic from Bengal, says, “It’s like trying to row an anchored boat”. Viveka and vairagya both are gifts of a true guru to his disciple.

Simple steps to practice

Do not seek pleasure

By this I do not mean become an ascetic. But do not objectively seek pleasure—do not desire anything. Accept whatever comes to you. If today’s lunch is not tasty, do not fret, accept it as prasadam from God. If the dress you are given to wear is not pretty as your sister’s, do not feel upset.

What I eat or wear today will not be remembered tomorrow. Sadhu Vaswani often told us that in moments when we feel we are being overpowered by circumstances, it would do us good to whisper to ourselves “This too shall pass.” Life is like a river, it flows on, it cuts through pleasant forests, and sometimes through desert lands. When it passes through cool, green forests, it does not say, “I shall stop here and enjoy.” And when it has to pass through deserts, it does not say, “I will refuse to flow.” So, we must go on always seeking the sea of life—God himself.

Do not hold on to possessions

Cultivate the spirit of what Aldous Huxley calls ‘effective’ poverty [being indifferent to money] as against ‘effective’ poverty [possessing no money]. A man may have no money and yet he may crave for things money can buy. Another man like Raja Janak, may have wealth, yet be detached from the position, possession and power. If you get an impulse to give something away, give it without hesitation.

Once, I was out walking with Sadhu Vaswani, a naked beggar met us on the way. He asked Sadhu Vaswani for his shirt, which he parted with ease. The beggar then demanded his cap, which Sadhu Vaswani gave away too. Until we have learnt to renounce, we cannot grow spiritually.

The great Sufi mystic-poet Jalaluddin Rumi speaks of King Ibrahim whose heart longed to see God. But he was still very attached to his throne. One day, while in his palace, he heard steps on the roof. He looked out of the window and asked, “Who goes there?” The answer came, “We have lost our camels and are searching for them.” In amazement, the king cried out, “What idiot searches for camels on a rooftop?” And the answer came, “O king! We are no worse than you, who, while sitting on a throne, tries to seek union with God.” Nurture the thought that nothing belongs to you, nothing is really yours. If something of value is stolen, learn to say to yourself, as Epictetus said, “I have given it back.”

Claim nothing for yourself

So learn to give without expecting anything in return. Give the love of your heart to all who come to you. If they do not love you in return, let it not put you out. Continue to give the best to others, even though you may get nothing or worst in return.

Ignatius Loyola was the founder of the Society of Jesus, which saved the Catholic Church in the hour of great crisis. He devoted his time and energy to building this great organisation. They asked him once how would he feel if the Pope were to issue an order closing down the Society. This man, who had attained the state of holy ‘indifference’ said, “A quarter of an hour of prayer and I should think no more about it.”

Don’t be over-anxious

Do not be over-anxious about anything, even your spiritual progress. Remember, the Master our Lord, knows what is best for us. If He wishes us to go slow, there must be wisdom in it. To be anxious is to waste a lot of energy which may otherwise be used for good purpose.

Learn to resign yourself to His will. “Thy Will be Done.” Let this be the one prayer of your heart. The Russian arch–priest, Father Pimen, once said, “He is no soldier of Christ who grumbles at his billet.”

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