This story is one of the many that I encounter. Even with a healthy pregnancy, many expectant mothers experience anxiety bordering on panic. She could be overjoyed and looking forward to the arrival of her newborn and yet be riddled with doubt about her ability as a mother. The timing of the pregnancy may have an impact, too. It could mean cutting down on work or even resigning, financial setbacks and not to mention the frustration of lagging behind in your career.

It is natural that pregnant women will be concerned about the safety of their unborn child. And we would think that cutting edge medical imagery should help calm the nerves. Yet, paradoxically, in many cases the aggressive and often mandatory testing throws up more doubts about the health of the child. Ultrasounds and 3D imaging have an important role to play in managing the complications of pregnancy. But, they also increase the stress in parents. I often come across pregnant women who have whipped themselves into a panic over test results which showed only a modicum of deviation from normal. No amount of explanation will calm them down. One woman repeatedly ran to her obstetrician the moment she felt that she could not sense the baby’s movements.

In many cases the aggressive and often mandatory testing throws up more doubts about the health of the child

Otherwise stable and intelligent women seem to become puddles of anxious anticipation during pregnancy. I don’t blame them. Being responsible for a little being within you without having consistent and continuous access to what’s happening inside can be scary. However if this is not addressed during pregnancy, the depression may continue even after delivery and take the form of post partum depression.

Do we blame it on the hormones?

A lot of these emotional reactions are often a result of increasing levels of oestrogen and progesterone. Pregnancy is a hormonal circus. Hormones work their magic to help us conceive, keep the baby healthy, aid in labour, delivery and in nursing our child. The downside is that they also make us moody… very moody. A pregnant woman could wake up happy and, in a matter of minutes, could get downright cranky because the tea that was lovingly made by her partner did not turn out to her liking. Hormones can make us more prone to anxiety and panic.

Hormonal changes during pregnancy may also cause fluid retention, weight gain and hyperpigmentation of the face, neck and inner thighs. These unsightly changes can further have a depressing effect on a woman’s mood. To add to it, if the husband is unaware of what changes to expect and how to respond to his wife, she could wrongly perceive it as lack of support. Pregnancy jokes made by insensitive friends don’t help matters either—and the expectant mother ends up with the perfect recipe for depression.

Otherwise stable and intelligent women seem to become puddles of anxious anticipation during pregnancy

Feeling overwhelmed

Depression could be physiological, brought on by the hormonal variations or could be a result of feeling overwhelmed with the whole gamut of changes brought on by the pregnancy with no access to coping techniques. Some of the other precipitating factors could be complications in the previous pregnancy or even a previous miscarriage, physical or emotional abuse, infertility, low income, stressful life events such as death, moving homes, work pressure or divorce.

Whatever the cause, depression during pregnancy is common and unfortunately very easily dismissed by doctors and family members alike. Often, the pregnant lady is told that it will go away after she takes one look at the baby. The truth is far from it. If the depression is not managed well, it can continue even after the baby arrives. Depression during pregnancy is characterised by crying spells, restlessness, preoccupation with negative thoughts, mood swings, trouble concentrating, poor or excessive sleep and appetite and constant and extreme fatigue which may continue well after the baby is born.

If the depression is not managed well, it can continue even after the baby arrives

So what can you do?

Here are nine tips that can help you prevent or manage the emotional upheavals associated with pregnancy.

1. Assess your readiness as a couple to have the child. Is your marriage on sound footing? Have both of you spoken about and found a resolution/compromise to the issues you have with each other? Are you having a baby because you want one or is it family pressure that you are yielding to? Having this conversation with yourself and with your spouse can clarify the thoughts behind you seeking or going ahead with parenthood. The more ready you are, the more accepting you will be of the changes involved and the more motivated you will be to seek solutions to the accompanying emotional upheaval.
2. Become part of a pre-natal class. It will make you more aware about the different issues involved in pregnancy—physical, emotional and medical. The pre-natal class will also equip you with skills to cope with the changes during gestation.
3. Make sure you plan your day in a way that allows you to get adequate sleep and rest. Packing your day from daybreak till bedtime will only tire you physically and mentally. Remember that ‘You come first’.
4. Exercise regularly. Not only does it keep you physically fit but also releases endorphins which are happy hormones that work to elevate your mood. Meditate regularly.
5. Plan at least one activity every day that gives you pleasure. It could be gardening, reading, going for a drive, watching a favourite show or listening to your favourite music. Or some music specially suited to pregnancy.
6. Avoid seeking information about pregnancy related complications on the Internet. Have minimal contact with people who foster negativity in you.
7. Do household chores as a couple. Doing things together with the father of your child can be an enjoyable and wonderful bonding process.
8. Share your feelings of anxiety, fear or sadness with a trusted friend or family member. Join a support group. It helps to spend time with other expecting moms who might be going through feelings similar to yours. The solutions that come out of these discussions can help calm you down.
9. Do not hesitate to seek professional help to ascertain how serious your depression is and if it will require medication and/or counselling support.

The post “I Am Pregnant, But Not Feeling Happy About It” appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

7 marriage myths

1. Marriage will make me happy

People enter marriage with this belief and keep waiting for the happiness to happen. If it doesn’t, they feel that marriage is a sham. No marriage can make you happy—it’s you who can make you happy. The unhappiness that you probably feel now is a function of your mental perceptions and conclusions that you draw in a given scenario. Unless you change your point of view, the sadness/frustration/disappointment will remain. The happiness in marriage is for you to find and create. But for that you have to change your glasses, look anew at the source of your feeling and happiness will be right at your door.

2. Together, we are whole

A lot of people believe this, even many years into the marriage. But they keep feeling incomplete and are sort of dependent in their relationship and this feeling underscores what they get out of their marriage. If you do not perceive yourself as a whole self sufficient stable entity, you will constantly look towards the other to make you feel whole. Isn’t that too big a burden for your partner to carry? If s/he is busy making you feel whole, then how is s/he to feel fulfilled in your company and this is bound to leave its impact on the relationship. What are you adding to the alliance as his/her partner? Find yourself first and you could be two wholes in one relationship. Now, that is a good marriage.

3. Taking my partner for granted isn’t good

I admit I am guilty of believing this one myself and would take offence if my partner takes me for granted. But, it is still a myth. If I cannot take my I-will-love-you-even-with-your-morning-breath soul mate for granted, then who am I supposed to count on in my hour of need? With overly individualistic family members, unreliable maids and vacillating body mass, he is the only enduring truth in my life. A marriage where there’s no security that your partner will be there for you, feels shaky. I say, you should take the middle path and lean on your partner when you need to, without allowing it to become an every day occurrence.

4. My partner should be perfect

All of us have our imperfections…small blemishes and big flaws. That is what makes us human, and unique as well. How would you feel if your partner expects you to behave like a demi-god? It would require you to be mature and right all the time. How many of you will survive this label—will you act out against it or meekly accept a role that is not you/can never be you? And, more importantly, will the marriage survive it? See your partner for who he/she is and love the human quirks and idiosyncrasies that are uniquely his/her.

5. Ours should be a fairy tale marriage

The fairy tale stories are just that—fairy tales. In real life, there are chores at home, traffic jams, office and family politics, bills and EMIs and cranky kids, most of which you must be aware of right now. But that does not mean it’s not a good marriage. Any marriage based on the precept of Cinderella and her Prince will bite the dust. A more realistic way of looking at a marriage is that, you have a partner to share that load with and find solutions to build something together even though there are fights and disagreements along the way. You will have happy times and there will be challenges too. If you are pragmatic about it, you will have a better shot at a good marriage.

6. Sex isn’t a big deal

This especially happens in marriages that have weathered a few years. We live in an age when sex is discussed more easily, is depicted often in movies and is talked about openly. But I have often seen it dismissed as just sex. In the marriage, sex or its lack therein can mean disappointment, stress at work, physical and mental fatigue, anxiety, hurt and so on. Don’t just repress it or brush it off as if it’s nothing. Examine any change in the sexual rhythm and communicate with your partner about it. Just that dialogue could set it right. Sex is important in a marriage; it is what keeps the spark and keeps you together. Never forget that.

7. Kids will bring us closer

On some levels, they do but on many levels they don’t. Raising kids can be tiring and tedious and catch your marriage by the coat tails. The diaper duty, the homework, house chores can keep you too busy to even notice your partner…forget feeling close to him/her. Most couples I know and see in my clinic, call those days a roller coaster of emotions interspersed with thunderous arguments and vociferous accusations. But if you keep thinking that kids are only supposed to bring you closer, then these disagreements will lead to feelings of resentment towards your kids.

Kids change the dynamics of the relationship, which now functions on a different plane. As is the case with every new job, you will have to find ways to settle in and make it work.

There are many floating around, supposedly based on empirical evidence. Every marriage is unique and so are the two people involved in it. Empirical evidence in this scenario is bound to be flawed. You have found someone special to share your life with. Don’t downgrade your relationship by subjecting it to the generalities and fables at hand. If you do so, you have everything to lose.

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