When I discovered my husband’s affair I was distraught, devastated and blown apart by his betrayal. He was supposed to have my back, emotionally and physically. Instead, he hid behind his back a double life. Like a magician, he concealed a five-year relationship in plain sight, leaving me to feel worse than a fool. I cared for our two children, one just an infant, while he was falling in love with someone else and telling me he loved me, and that he was blessed to have me in his life.

Under the moon

And then, a pocket call blew the lid off his jar full of lies. I had finally discovered just how much he loved me. I then sat in a deep meditative state under the virtuous light of a full moon, which was pretty fascinating, because at the time I didn’t meditate. I didn’t think I knew how. I guess people turn to meditation for all sorts of reasons, including spontaneously in an effort to survive after witnessing their world vaporise.

At least that’s what I did

There, in the dark, began my metamorphosis from an uptight, nothing is ever right, I’m not worthy, judgmental, over-taxed, overwhelmed woman to a woman filled with gratitude and love for all, even my former spouse. I pulled myself out of the past and back from the future and began the process of retraining myself to live in the present moment. Because I didn’t have a choice, my world had just vanished. I was panic-stricken. My past was a lie. My future was shot. The only place I felt I could breathe was in the present moment. However, I wasn’t enlightened, I was afraid.

The trauma of discovering infidelity broke me apart. Then, the moon blew me open. When I looked at the scattered pieces of me, I had the opportunity to reclaim those that felt useful and set free those that no longer fit. Over the next three years I rebuilt myself. This was not a piece by piece experience. Sometimes the walls would fall again, or the foundation would get shaken. Sometimes I would pull the pieces apart to start anew. But I became accustomed to the process and was adept at reconfiguring the pieces of me so they fit better together.

Figuring out who I am

Each time I reconstructed or reconfigured I did so not out of fear but out of great curiosity. Who is this person I am to become? I took to the mountains, spending time in meditation to answer the question. And what I discovered was that my ego was the part of me that kept me stuck—in fear, filled with angst. I was unsure, always. It was my ego that needed to know who I was. It required me to answer—am I a wife? A mother? A writer? A failure? A success?

I am none of those things.

I am light. I am life. I am gratitude. I am love. I am presence. I am peace. I am a reflection. I am whole.

Mother, woman, wife, writer… those are positions I hold with gratitude, grace and reverence.

Addressing my ego

After many months of looking at my ego, coming to understand its role in my life, I sat it down and sent it on holiday. Sure, it tries to check in every now and then but I let it know all is well and send it away. Instead of seeing life through the eyes of my ego, I now live from my centre, my heart. I live from my soul.

It is from this place that I am able to express gratitude to my former spouse for being the catalyst that jettisoned me out of unconscious living and into presence. He has played a crucial role in my life. With him I became a wife, a mother, and then, through the experience of infidelity and divorce, I transformed my entire being.

The discovery of his affair was as near to a near-death experience as one can get, and the process of healing after was akin to a rebirth. Without having experienced it, or something like it, I feel safe saying that I would have lived a half-hearted life. And, upon my death, condolences would have been appropriate. Not now.

Moving on

Now I celebrate each day. And when I feel myself wanting to judge or complain or be taken by fear, I come to the present moment, to my heart. I join hands with my soul, feeling secure and knowing that I am right here, right now, exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel the unconditional love that surrounds this gorgeous planet. And I nurture my vibrational energy so I exude that love. I have no idea what the future holds, which is fine. It is in the now that I must reside.

It is in the now that I hear the applause of the universe for living a life of presence.

Before the pocket call, I was eating cheese steaks and complaining about politics and hated my body and struggled under the weight of the world. I was always on the go with not enough time and never enough sleep. There was a constant ball of angst in my centre, as if at any moment tragedy could strike so I best be wary and on guard.

Gratitude for my husband’s affair

Do I hate my former spouse? No way. He played his role perfectly. I am eternally grateful. I know who I am now. I forgive his human actions because I know deep in my soul that his choice to have an affair fulfilled my need to be shaken to my core so that I could come alive.

This appreciation doesn’t mean I want to flip through our wedding album together, which I threw out, or reminisce about our brazen move across the country [the one that put him within an hour’s flight of his mistress]. Although I have laughed about the irony of that one… I do empathise with the burden he now carries. One day he’ll need to look into the wide eyes of our children and face their questions about his choice to break our marriage vows.

I accept that this was the journey he needed to take and I was the one who would walk beside him until the time when his actions would part our union.

I thank him because his affair, which to the world-at-large makes him a bad person, made me a more present and loving person, a more integrated being.

If you told me that I’d one day I’d be grateful for the experience of infidelity and divorce, I would have been shocked by your suggestion. Yet, that’s exactly how it played out.

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There are many reasons a partner strays. If you are not dealing with a sexual addiction of some sort, the most typical reason for infidelity is that the person straying feels that his or her needs are not being met within the relationship. There are a few indicators of this. In my book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, I talk about the never-ending fights in which couples are unable to ever find resolution and therefore argue endlessly about a certain matter. The flip side of this is when one partner stops fighting. It might seem like a good thing, but in reality the person has simply given up, knowing that no matter how hard they fight, they will never be heard. They have reached a point of resignation. So, people don’t go looking for an affair. Most often, it happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage. But, the betrayed person doesn’t realise the extent of discontent their partner might be experiencing.

It’s your call

Infidelity is a wake-up call for your marriage and, once it is discovered, can lead a couple in one of two directions.

The first is when the anger and resentment are so great that the person who was cheated sees no other choice but to walk away and end the marriage.

But it is also possible that both partners commit to rebuilding the broken trust and continuing as a couple. I have worked with many such couples over the years who have decided to give themselves a second chance. Most of them agree that their commitment to each other, their level of intimacy, and their relationship in general is far better now than it was before. But to get to that point, they had to be willing to do the heavy lifting.

Most often, an affair happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage

If you are the betrayer

Initially the person who has strayed feels terrible and wants to make amends. There is also an element of self-righteousness that can creep in when that person might feel they were pushed into infidelity. They might say things like, “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done whatever.” But if you intend to rebuild your marriage, such retorts have no place. The betrayer cannot insist on having his or her own needs being met until the foundation is under their feet again—and that takes time.

With this in mind, the following three steps can help you recover and carry on together.

The first step is the apology. You must take ownership and responsibility for what you did. There has to be a real acknowledgment of the enormity of what took place.

The second step is a move toward empathy. Remember the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz and the importance of his constantly being oiled? When you empathise with your partner, you let them know that you understand the way they feel and the pain you’ve caused them. You must be able to say over and over again, as often as is necessary, that you know how much anguish you have brought to your beloved. You cannot afford to slough it off. Indeed, you must address your partner’s feelings of hurt and resentment each time they it bring it up, otherwise they are at risk of getting stuck in their anger and despair. Your ability to empathise with your partner while they talk openly about what they’ve been through will enable them to move beyond the pain.

And the third step is frequent doses of reassurance. You must promise them, time and again, that this will not happen again because you are committed to rebuilding the trust. A major ingredient for making this work is that you don’t harbour any more secrets. Complete accountability and full disclosure is the way to go. You must answer all questions, as hard as that might be, keeping in mind that your spouse’s imagination will likely be worse than the reality of what actually happened. This is no longer the time for ‘doing your own thing’ and keeping things private. If your spouse wants to see your e-mail, your laptop, your phone—that is all fair game now. The time for personal space that created so much distance has passed. It is a time to close the gap between you.

Only when you have established each person’s willingness and ability to trust again can you begin to talk about what was missing in the marriage before the infidelity episode. In my experience, your partner will be more willing to listen and be open to your needs because they don’t want to take a chance on losing you again.

I encourage couples to seek counselling to help them through this. Once you are through the hardest part [which can take up to a year], and have talked it all out, your marriage will hopefully be in a better place than where it was before the affair.

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