My birth mother was a depressed, angry woman. She was unkind toward me and screamed at me on most days. Yet, there were also time times when she was extra kind toward me, helping me with my homework and cooking scrumptious dishes. Though a perfectionist by disposition, she had a creative flair in embroidery, displayed a zest for learning something new and had great sense of organisation.

She kept oscillating between these polarities and the entire spectrum. However, the child in me couldn’t comprehend such oscillation, especially when she would be verbally abusive, physically violent, and emotionally unavailable for me.

My mother wounds

Being a medical doctor by training, I speak to you in the language of wounds and healing, and what childhood neglect does to you. The shadow aspect of my mother inflicted wounds in me while the kinder aspects would soothe the wounds. Some days the wounding would be intense and there was no time left for the wound to heal. This way my wounds grew deeper and deeper. It was only a few years ago, when I was in my 50s, that I learned that these wounds a mother inflicts on the psyche of her child are called “mother wounds”.

My birth mother had hurt me so badly that subconsciously I developed an urge to become the best mother in the world. Yes, I dreamed of being a mother from childhood. I would wait for my breasts to grow, and when they didn’t, I would place tennis balls to mimic them and pretend I was a mother to my dolls, breastfeeding them, not knowing that it was my inner child who sought the nourishment.

As I grew, I became overtly maternal. I took it upon me to mother others. And I was attracted to mother figures. As I studied in a convent school I was surrounded by nuns and female teachers and the ones I loved became my foster mothers. I latched onto them and became really clingy at times. But at the first sign of loud voices or reprimand, I would shut them out from my life and wallow in my motherless soup.

Another consequence of my mother wounds was that they left me with deep shame for my sexuality and being a woman. I had low self esteem and a poor body image. I buried myself in my books and academics and disconnected from my body. With my mother, even the natural process of menstruation was projected to me as dirty, and therefore a valid reason to keep me trapped in the house and to avoid playing with boys. I was made to cover up in dresses that were ankle length, had collars that choked my neck and chest measurements that pressed the growing breasts, leaving them with a message: don’t you dare grow bigger and fuller.

When I started my healing journey, I began to understand that these wounds are festering deep in the tradition and culture of society. That is why my wiser adult self chose not blame my mother for she had perhaps been tortured by her mother, who was, in turn, treated poorly by her mother and so on. Blaming or punishing her would not help me heal.

So what did help me to heal?

How I healed from my mother wounds

The energy of the wounded child had to be released and set free so that I could be free from her shackles and limiting beliefs. I had to change her voice, her dressing, her mannerisms and bring her to listen to her inner self.

Each wound was healed with deep love and compassion in the loving, nurturing, sacred circles of women, in the arms of love, in the thousands of pages of journals that carried the weight of my wounds and in prose and poetry laced with tears. Creative art including voice exercises and dance movements helped me to express my angst.

Here are a few things I did to help me heal

1. I took time off and went on solo holidays to work on my inner wounds
2. To overcome shame, I started taking sessions for women where we talked openly about our bodies and celebrated our sensuality
3. I used my voice to highlight the injustice in the system where women were made to disconnect from their bodies
4. I worked with my body and my menstrual cycle and opened a new relationship with my physical being
5. I cherished every new creation and found myself a team of cheerleader friends
6. I fed myself wholesome and nourishing soul food; I cooked for me, sang for me, nurtured myself
7. I took long baths with fragrant oils and bath salts; I massaged every part of my body with love and cried copious tears in the bathroom
8. To release the shame some more, I danced to Bollywood item numbers in the privacy of my bedroom and only my mirror as the audience

Final words

Thus I birthed a new mother within me who is no longer like the meddling nagging mother from the fairy tales but the queen mother, the fairy godmother who has her daughter’s interests at heart and this inner mother has taught me to draw safe boundaries, speak my truth, be my authentic self and share my creativity with the world without inhibitions.

She is healing gently, the wounded daughter but this inner mother now stands tall by her side.

The post How I healed my mother wounds appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Arrogance vs confidence examples

• Ignoring and denying any areas of weakness, versus accepting and admitting weaknesses
• Pointing out someone’s shortcomings, subtly or overtly, versus championing and supporting others
• Showing off versus possessing humility
• Making everything about competition versus making everything about creating value for others
• Needing to act cool versus being comfortable with who you are
• Being unreasonable versus being flexible and understanding
• Being commanding and dominating versus being assertive yet compassionate
• Often being unapproachable versus always being approachable
• Interrupting others, versus being an effective listener
• Swaggering when walking versus having a commanding presence with open body language
• Cockiness about accomplishments versus being humble around success
• Striving to always be right versus striving to find a solution
• Being constantly opinionated versus constantly being willing to listen to others’ viewpoints
• Obsessive about image versus taking pride in appearance
• Never admitting mistakes versus always being accountable to themselves
• Positioning themselves as superior versus viewing everyone as an equal
• Offering unsolicited advice, versus offering feedback when it’s requested
• Arrogance=Adolf Hitler versus Confidence= Nelson Mandela

T’ien-t’ai, a sixth-century Chinese Buddhist scholar, declared those in a state of anger as “always desiring to be superior to others”, offensively displaying self-importance and superiority. He stated that anger is akin to arrogance and may be described as frustrated arrogance.

The roots of arrogance

Arrogance is a deep fear of vulnerability. Many of us were persecuted as children by being made fun of at school or at home and so we grow up deeply insecure. The stereotypically arrogant person will always put others down, thinking that, if they do, the other person won‘t have the opportunity to put them down. I am a recovered ‘diva’, so take it from me – if you recognise yourself as having arrogant traits, do something about it. Arrogance stems from the ego, and includes a feeling of both self-contempt and contempt for others. Arrogant people feel the need to show you that they can do better than you. That they know more than you. They have an insolent pride and overbearing manner that often upsets a lot of people. That manner stems from deep insecurity, and a lack of confidence. They don’t value themselves and so they need to keep blowing their own trumpet. Arrogance is unmerited confidence. Many arrogant people display a type of shyness, because they feel that if they hide away no one will see their flaws, so they won’t be judged or criticised. However, they will always jump in with unfair and inaccurate criticism of other people.

Arrogance vs Confidence: How to spot the difference

It’s important for me to add that sometimes people who dominate the conversation are only nervous and not necessarily arrogant. Also, people might drop names to impress you because they feel insecure; it isn’t always because they are arrogant. The way to spot the difference is to look at whether they possess empathy or compassion, which only confident people possess. It is always helpful to learn skills to deal with arrogance because we can’t always avoid it. But in a social setting I recommend you stay away, as arrogant people can cause pain, especially if you get involved with them romantically. Be aware: if you question arrogant people they will react badly, don’t take their reaction personally, though, as it’s about their inability to control you.

So many people who lack confidence want to hang out with ‘cool’ arrogant people who are famous, extremely rich or good-looking and who use fake charm [which evaporates if you anger them]. Sadly these people are not achieving anything great in their own lives and are living vicariously through the other person. Arrogant people will get into character assassination behind your back, joke about people they really shouldn’t joke about, and lack empathy if someone is going through a hard time even though they may pretend to care. They themselves have been hurt badly in their past and, instead of resolving or addressing the issue, they hide it behind a mask. If they are rumbled, they deliver those old classic lines: “I was only joking”, or “Stop being so sensitive.”

It amazes me when someone who can’t sing to save their life or has never taken a risk criticises performers on The X Factor. They think it’s clever to be offensive and they generally have little insight because they are so wrapped up in themselves. The truth is that they like to control everyone which is a form of emotional abuse. If you have experienced this controlling behaviour when you were young you won’t spot it easily because it will be familiar, and, in a perverse way, comfortable, because it is what you are used to.

How Stephen moved from arrogance to confidence

“I joined a city law firm as a graduate and believed I knew more than the senior partners ignoring the tips and advice I was offered. I alienated many of my colleagues with my behaviour. I had been told as a child I was better than every one as they thought that was instilling confidence in me. I couldn’t admit to any mistakes which was where the problem lay. Five years on, I now see how being arrogant cost me so much, both personally and professionally. I am now a partner in a law firm; and having spent five years investing in self-development I now cringe when I see others play out my old behaviour.”

Stephen’s top tips

• Stop measuring your own value by externals
• Let go of the need to be right and to always have the last word
• Admit your own shortcomings to yourself
• Let go of the need to be superior

Uncovering the essence of confidence

The Tao Te Ching says:

To understand others is to have knowledge
To understand oneself us to be illuminated
To conquer others needs strength
To conquer oneself is harder still
To be content with what one has is to be rich

Confident people are rich as they have self-belief, open hearts and treat others with respect. Confident people accept themselves so they accept others as they are. Confident employers love having confident people working for them and people love being around confident people socially as they are so comfortable with themselves. Even an enemy or competitor secretly admires a self-confident person. In a relationship, the confident partner is aware of what needs to be discussed and communicates changes in a healthy way.

How to keep a check on yourself

• Develop a checklist to determine any shortcomings you may have. By compiling an inventory you will heighten your awareness and evaluate whether you are acting arrogantly
• Focus on clear intentions so you can contribute daily to your commitment to change
• Make a list of qualities you admire in others
• Focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing others
• Exercise humility and keep checking that you are on the confidence side of the “Confidence vs Arrogance” war

The post How to tell the difference between arrogance and confidence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.