My foray into gambling

Gambling started out as a fun social activity for me. Then I started going alone. Eventually my whole world revolved around it. I was either gambling, attempting to clean up the financial crisis that I had created, or planning ways to get back out there. I thought of little else.

I vaguely recall one Christmas morning when my two precious boys were opening their Christmas gifts. Instead of sharing in their excitement, I was watching the clock, wondering when it would be reasonable to mention going to the casino. It had become a tradition, on any holiday, for a group of us to go to the casino leaving the children with a family member who would stay behind. I’m certain that I promoted, if not started that tradition.

In time, I had spent all of our savings and we were in quite a bit of debt due to my gambling. My husband had no idea because I handled the finances for our family, and he trusted me completely.

Gambling started out as a fun social activity for me. Then I started going alone. Eventually my whole world revolved around it

An amalgamation of emotions

I lived in constant fear that he might open a bank or credit card statement and discover what I’d done. I began to realise that I would not be able to fix it and that I would not be able to hide it forever.

I could not imagine what life would be like if he found out what I’d done. Surely he would leave me and take custody of my children. Even knowing this, I could not stop. I didn’t really want to stop gambling. I just wanted all of the problems associated with it to go away.

As much as I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without my family, I also could not fathom a life without gambling. I needed to be doing it almost constantly.

I was at a crossroads of desires. I wanted my family and I wanted to stop gambling and I wanted to die… but I also wanted to live and to keep gambling. I felt like I needed help and wished there was a place to rehab from gambling.

I wasn’t ingesting anything, but I could feel withdrawal symptoms if I didn’t gamble. Behaviours are known to affect brain chemistry. I now know that there is mounting evidence that gambling is very similar to drug addiction but even without scientific evidence, there would be no doubt in my mind that I was ‘addicted’. I have memories that, if they’d been recorded on video, an observer would be certain that I was ‘on something’.

I didn’t really want to stop gambling. I just wanted all of the problems associated with it to go away

In time my husband discovered our financial situation and what I’d done. I was so ashamed and remorseful. He was hurt, angry and confused but… he wanted to work things out.

The hard road back home

I started working with a therapist, took medication for depression and began attending meetings at Gamblers Anonymous. It was difficult. My husband travelled a lot for business and I had a household to run while he was away. I surrendered all access to money or credit cards, but we decided that when he would travel he would give me cash to purchase groceries or other things we’d need while he was away.

The first time this happened, I had gambled every dollar before his plane landed at his destination. I borrowed money from a friend so that he’d never know but I told him, when he returned, that we had to find a different way.

It turned out that I was ‘safer’ if I had a debit card. He was able to see every transaction that I made online. If it was necessary for me to have cash for some reason, I always provided a receipt. I only carried a small amount of cash. At first that seemed safe because my gambling had reached the point where it was ridiculous to drive to the casino with less than a few hundred dollars. It wasn’t safe.

I now know that there is mounting evidence that gambling is very similar to drug addiction

Anytime I ‘slipped’, I’d make a new rule, in an attempt to block myself from gambling the next time. When my whole world revolved around gambling, I could not put rules into place for myself. I didn’t want to stop. But as I gambled less, I was more able to do things that would help me stop.

I found online support groups and in the end, that is what helped me the most.

I realised that I wasn’t bad or stupid. This started out very innocently. There was a very strong physical phenomenon happening to me. So it wasn’t my fault. But if I wanted to live my life [I wasn’t ‘living’ when I was caught up in the gambling cycle]… I was going to have to change it. I needed help, and ultimately I was the one who had to do it. So I did. I learned a lot from others who had successfully stopped.

I let go of the shame and decided that if I focus on just doing the next right thing, right now… I couldn’t gamble. For months I called my sister-in-law every evening… just a five-second call to say “Day 2” or “Day 24”. If I act responsibly with my money, I cannot gamble. If I do not lie, I cannot gamble. If I am being vigilant with my time, I cannot gamble. Gambling is never the next right thing.

I hesitate to say that there were periods of time that it was just impossible for me to stop. I hesitate because those are the kinds of things that I used as justification to continue gambling. Gamblers Anonymous told me that I had an illness. I construed that to mean “I can’t help it”… so I continued on.

When my whole world revolved around gambling, I could not put rules into place for myself

It was my responsibility

I knew it isn’t my fault but it does not mean it isn’t my responsibility. Occasionally, this thing happens… where you can clearly see what must be done, and it’s evident that what your addiction gives you isn’t worth what your addiction takes from you, and you think, that maybe… just maybe… it might be possible to do this. And maybe you do abstain from gambling [or any other addiction for that matter] for some period of time. But the illness/condition inevitably returns.

Unless… when you get that moment of clarity and strength [and perhaps most importantly, hope] you decide that you are going to hold on to it and do what it takes to keep it.

Ask someone you trust to handle your money. Install software on your computer or phone that won’t let you access gambling sites. Think of how you gamble and find ways to prevent it, so that when you don’t have the strength to stop, you won’t have access anyway.

It’s not easy. It’s not fun. But it’s worth it. You deserve to live your best life.

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Between that mike at Connaught Place and the mikes at the large auditoriums or boardrooms across the world today—life has been kind to me. I had to change a lot about myself to get where I am today, including my long, flowing hair! My denim-and-leather–jacket look was too casual and got replaced with ‘how formal people wanted to see me’. I had to adopt a suited up image so that I could project a ‘successful professional’ image to the world. Being a motivational speaker has been a transformational, sometimes exasperating and completely inspiring experience. Here are some of the lessons that my chosen profession has taught me.

People don’t like to change

The last ten years of being a motivational speaker have not been easy. I have realised that people are not inspired to change simply because you offer them a better alternative. They change only when something that they truly value gets threatened. I’d say that’s the most profound observation about people I’ve made in my entire career as a coach. People may listen to motivational speakers or read inspiring books, but they only change when change is the only option left. I realised that my role as a success coach is to help them figure out the right direction of their life and to give them incentive to stay on their true paths.

This is my yardstick for measuring an effective motivational speaker: If in an audience of a 100 people, two or three people report a lasting change after a few months, you are an awesome motivational speaker.

Sadly, the success rate in my industry is that low! I can only help someone change an aspect of their life if they really desire the change.

Silence is good

Let me make a big confession. I am Punjabi and a speaker which means I am supposed to be an extrovert. But that’s just not true! If anything, in this last decade, I have learned that to be a good speaker—the kind that not only talks well but also gives out rich content—you need to be an introvert. 95% of the content in my events is obtained from observation. And that requires some serious off-the-stage-keeping-quiet skills. The depth of understanding about people and their ways comes from solitude. Behind that entire glamour is quietude and solitude. And to be honest, it feels good to be quiet after you have spoken for 4 hours straight!

Coaching is funny business

Humour and sarcasm has always been my style. And here I think I got lucky. My friends and classmates always regarded me as a funny person. I confess that this quality gives me an advantage in the world of motivational speaking. Anyone can do a session with a bunch of linguistically perfect sentences and parroted clichéd lines from self-help books. However, the impact of such a session is lost the moment the audience leaves the auditorium. The key to having an impressive lecture is to marry content with your own unique style of presentation. And every speaker needs that style, that unique selling point. In coaching as in elsewhere, being funny is serious business.

Get used to criticism

The other thing that being a speaker has taught me is—you cannot make everyone happy! For every five “Thank you” messages that I receive, there is one person who writes to me saying that I am cheap and indecent [not everyone can take humour]. I have learned to look beyond those 500 criticisers towards the 6, 50,000+ believers who have benefited out of my words in some small way. That’s the only gratification I am looking for.

Patience is a virtue

From the outside, the world of motivational speaking may look glamorous. However, the reality, as my fellow speakers would know, is different. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes. It takes a lot of hard work and perseverance to build credibility. You reap your rewards gradually, not immediately. I took more than 10 years to become slightly known! Recognition comes after years of working on your website, your elite client list, your videos, your images, and your media presence. If the total units of effort in a motivational speaker’s life are 100 then the first 50 units are onerous and uphill, whereas the remaining 50 are zippy and fun. In the last half of this profession’s lifespan people make heroes out of you and celebrate you and this validates the first half of donkey work.

Cons of success

In my experience, these are the two main occupational hazards of being a motivational speaker:

• You will be literally living out of your suitcase, and after some 15–20 days of travel your family might allow you entry into your own home after showing some proof of identification.
• You will get so much attention from the opposite gender that, if you fail to practise what you preach or do not handle a situation with grace, you will ruin your reputation and career.

It’s all worth it

Sometimes I forget which city I am waking up in because there is so much stress of travel and daily events during peak work times. However, I don’t have any regrets. In the end, the overall positives of being a motivational speaker outweigh the relatively few negatives. And nothing compares to the joy of realising that I have changed someone’s life with my humour and words. When someone comes up to me and says, “You have changed my life today,” it’s the best feeling ever. Every bone in my body then wants to do more and more of what I have been doing all these years.

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