Once a meme is in your mind, it can and will subtly influence your behaviour. This is one of the ways you acquire a huge category of excuses that keep you in a rut. For example: “My memes made me do it! I can’t help it! These ideas [beliefs, attitudes] have been passed on to me from one mind to another for generations, and there’s nothing I can do about the way I think. These memes have been the building blocks of my mind, and I can’t deprogram myself from these viruses of the mind that just keep replicating and spreading. These ideas [memes] are so much a part of me that it’s impossible to ‘disinfect’ myself from the results of all of these mind viruses.” Every excuse is, in reality, a meme that was once planted in your mind.

Your two minds

Sometime ago I challenged myself to study the process of making dramatic thought transitions, using attitudes and behaviours that had been with me for a lifetime. For several years I scrutinized precisely what I did to undo old patterns in myself. This activity led me to question basic beliefs about the legitimacy of environmental and genetic authority in determining who I am and what I can change. Due to my success in modifying my thoughts and, subsequently, my actions, I developed a new paradigm for eliminating unwanted, lifelong thinking habits. At first glance, much of what I’m sharing here may seem radical and inconsistent with established psychological and sociological academic tenets. So be it. Here is what I believe—this is how I see it!

In a brilliant one-act play by Jean-Paul Sartre titled No Exit, the central character states emphatically: “A man is what he wills himself to be.” This idea of willpower is a core theme in much of my earlier writing, and I still strongly subscribe to the belief that we all have within us an invisible force that we recognize as will. But I also know that there are many facets of our lives that seem to be beyond the pale of the will—for example, it often isn’t enough to eliminate lifelong habits. Identifying and changing some thoughts, particularly those that have been with us for what seems like forever, requires a brand-new perceptual process.

In contrast to Sartre’s observation, Ralph Waldo Emerson offers this: “Man is a stream whose source is hidden. Our being is descending into us from we know not whence.” In the 1600s, Benedict de Spinoza made a similar observation about the human mind, which I read in my college days and have never forgotten: “[T]he human mind is part of the infinite intellect of God.” I still apply this to myself whenever I question how or why I got myself into one of the many predicaments I’ve brought upon myself throughout my adult life.

The mind that Spinoza is referring to has no form or substance; is always working—even while you’re sleeping—and, most significantly, is your connection to Source. Viewed in this light, it is your personal God component, always with you and always ready to serve you in fulfilling another of Spinoza’s observations: “The mind’s highest good is the knowledge of God.” Yes, your mind is largely responsible for who and what you’ve become, but there’s also a beingness buried within you, in a place where your thoughts originate. Emerson suggests that it’s a mystery, “descending into us from we know not whence.”

These two ideas about human nature combine in you to form what I call two minds: The one that’s frequently referred to as your “conscious mind” is what I call “creative consciousness”; and the other is your “habitual mind,” which I call the subconscious mind. Yet whether they originate in creative consciousness or the habitual mind, I believe that any thought patterns that don’t enhance and expand your joyous development are excuses. As you’ll see, this means that you have far more influence than you’ve probably been led to believe to rearrange and change ineffectual and harmful beliefs or ideas.

Creative consciousness

In this paradigm, the conscious mind is more accurately described as the creative conscious mind. This close-to-the-surface, non-habitual mind makes endless decisions about what you wear, what you eat, what appointments you keep, what time you go to bed, and thousands of other daily choices in your life. This invisible and “placeless place” is the part of your brain that makes and cancels plans, adds new ones, and thinks continuously. This creative consciousness is always there, to the point that even when you want to shut it down, it can be extremely difficult to do so… the thoughts just keep coming. What an immeasurable benefit to consider that this vast, mysterious mind is really part of the Source that creates everything, as Spinoza suggests.

So if your mind is a creator, just as God’s mind is a creator of the universe, then it can perform at the absolutely highest level imaginable. The creative force asks for nothing and has no ego—it’s simply an instrument of giving, providing and offering at all times with no consideration for itself. Put another way, the highest calling of your conscious creative mind is to be the human equivalent of God’s mind. Yet you’ll probably agree that most of your thoughts focus on the relatively tiny universe of your human self!

Rest assured that you can choose to learn how to shift your everyday thoughts away from What am I doing? What can I get? and How quickly can I get it? to Spinoza’s concept of discovering the highest-functioning, all-knowing part of yourself. This may sound like a tall order, but I guarantee that reprogramming your creative conscious mind is really a simple matter. The endless thoughts of me, me, me are close to the surface and highly susceptible to change.

The creative conscious mind can do almost anything you instruct it to do: It can change thoughts at your bidding, practice affirmations you create, wander in blissful meditation at your invitation, and learn almost any new skill at your insistence. It can think of everything you direct it to. Through discipline, effort, and continual practice, it can also accomplish almost anything you focus your thoughts on.

The problem with creative consciousness is that its constant shifts and changes can overwhelm/flood you. It’s often referred to as “the monkey mind” because it keeps flitting about almost continuously, first having one thought, then another, and then still another. Most of this close-to-the-surface mental activity is the ego’s attempt to dance to the beat of rhythms and influences that are outside of you, which are probably unwanted and unnecessary, and running your life without your permission. Your creative consciousness has developed a weak connection that’s full of static, so its signals from a part of the infinite intellect of God are silenced by an ego-based accompaniment that broadcasts: What’s in it for me? How do I look? How much money can I make? How can I get ahead? Whom do I have to please? Why are there so many demands on me? On and on these thoughts come, then go, then come right back.

There’s statistical evidence that the conscious mind occupies approximately five per cent of the total workings of the brain, leaving 95 per cent to the realm of the subconscious. Percentages interest me less than the ability to sense your mind as not some amorphous component of your being that’s constantly changing from one ego-based thought to another, but rather as evidence of your nature, or your connection to the infinite intellect of creation. This style of magnificent respect alerts you to your ability to access the highest function of your mind.

There’s statistical evidence that the conscious mind occupies approximately five per cent of the total workings of the brain

The Habitual [Subconscious] mind

According to Tor Nørretranders, the author of The User Illusion, the subconscious mind has been calculated to process millions of environmental stimuli per second versus only a few dozen environmental stimuli per second that the conscious mind can process. Conventional psychological wisdom says that much of what you believe about yourself, along with almost all of your daily actions, is programmed into your subconscious or habitual mind. You spend a great deal of your time operating on automatic pilot, so to speak. In fact, you could visualize your two minds as co-pilots: the conscious mind is aware of its thoughts but is a minor player, like a real pilot in training; while the subconscious takes care of virtually everything you need to think, say, or do.

I take exception to this assertion that the habitual mind runs the show, doing everything that the creative mind isn’t paying attention to. According to this view, the habitual mind is like a computer running a downloaded program that will play throughout your life—it’s been permanently programmed from the moment of conception, and it’s next to impossible to get new software to rewrite existing programs. I simply cannot agree that a part of your mind was nourished by ideas, images, and input that continue to be necessary for your sustainability today. It’s my contention that this is a false belief that’s easily revealed as an excuse. I don’t believe that anyone has to live with the belief that they have programming in their subconscious mind that can’t be rewritten. I’ll explain my perspective on this issue.

If you’re the way you are because of something that’s subconscious—that is, below your level of waking consciousness—then it’s clearly something you can do nothing about. You can’t even talk about it, since it’s beyond your conscious mind. For the same reason, you can’t understand it; you can’t challenge it; and, most egregiously, you can’t change or fix it. How can you fix something that’s totally inaccessible? It would be like attempting to repair a broken watch that was sealed away in a vault: obviously, you’d need the combination to enter into that previously inaccessible space.

If something is subconscious and thus automatic, it’s believed that you don’t have a choice in the matter. And to me, that’s the most regrettable thing about this subconscious model: believing that you don’t have a choice. The truth, as I see it, is that everything you think, say, and do is a choice—and you don’t need to think, speak, or act as you’ve done for your entire life. When you abandon making choices, you enter the vast world of excuses.

Right now, decide to begin choosing instead of excusing. You can instantly decide to reprogram and direct your life toward the level of happiness, success, and health that you prefer.

I’ve had a downloaded pattern since childhood, and it concerns my stroke in my daily swim. Some people who have observed me making my way through the ocean have said that I swim as though I’ve had a stroke. I never paid much attention to what others said until I discovered that the way I kicked my feet [using only my right leg, while my left leg stayed motionless] was putting undue pressure on my back and throwing me out of alignment as I practised yoga and simply got older.

When I was advised to change the way I swam by kicking both legs simultaneously, my first reaction was to think, I can’t change my swimming style—I’ve been doing it this way for almost 60 years! I even swam competitively with this “Dyer stroke.” This is something I’ve downloaded into me from thousands of hours of swimming and is a subconscious habit. Yet after putting to the test the ideas I’m writing about, I was able to rather easily adopt a brand-new swimming stroke, even though I was 65 years of age at the time.

Just like my being able to rather quickly change a 60-year-old habit, you can access the program you’re operating with by examining your thoughts. Your habitual mind takes over when you choose to ignore your conscious beliefs, and you just continue to act in ways you’ve been programmed to. But you can shift to your creative mind and explore your options. You don’t have to buy the old argument that a part of you in inaccessible, unreachable, or buried so deep down inside that undoing early programming is impossible. You’ll never successfully reprogram your computer, or your mind, by telling it to stop spewing out the same garbage. You’re stuck until you change to a new operating system or download some new files… but first you have to know that this is an option.

Think of the many ways in which you identify yourself, particularly in the gray area of deeply entrenched thoughts. Identify the programs in your habitual mind that are so outdated that they’re hampering your system. Those attitudes, beliefs, and thoughts that don’t serve you are excuses, ultimately destined to be sent to the trash bin.

Mark Twain had this wonderful observation about how we change old, unwanted ways of thinking and behaving: “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” My objective is to help you coax down the stairs those ways of thinking that keep you from living your life at the optimal level. Should this seem daunting, know that it doesn’t have to be a lengthy, winding staircase that takes years to traverse. Or, to use the computer metaphor, your internal system is as capable of change as contemporary operating systems are.

Reaching into the part of your mind that works on automatic pilot as a result of early programming and conditioning isn’t nearly as troublesome as allowing it to continue to run your life. It’s actually quite uncomplicated and won’t take a great deal of time to shift from old habits to new choices. You are a part of the same intelligence that creates worlds; in fact, your mind is that intelligence. Knowing this, how could you consider a part of you to be unreachable or unprogrammable? No part of you is unreachable, no matter how automatic or habitual it may have become.

Certain aspects of your life may seem to be governed by a force that you’re unaware of, and you can feel that there’s no possibility of choice and that you’re imprisoned by your excuse inventory: I can’t really help it; it’s just my nature; I’ve always been this way. Talk about futility! However, anytime you choose, you can access your habitual mind and begin to reprogram it, changing patterns that may have been useful once but no longer work for you.

Seeing yourself through a new lens

Father of modern psychology, William James, urges us to be aware of the danger of living as if there are no choices. I am personally convinced that everyone has a capacity for greatness that transcends anything they’ve been taught to believe, that every being who’s ever existed is in fact a portion of the all-creating power of intention. Since we’re all pieces of the infinite creative Source, we should continually be telling ourselves, “I came from God, and since I must be like what I came from, I am a piece of the Divine.” Trying to imagine the all-creating spiritual force coming up with excuses for anything is impossible, because it is creating from its own consciousness.

Now put yourself in this picture. While your mind is part of the unlimited Source, it becomes limited when you believe it to be fallible, weak, impotent, or any other adjective that misidentifies with creative energy. When you edge God out in this manner, you invite ego—which is known as the “false self” by spiritual teachers of all persuasions—in.

I invite you to try on a new lens that lets you access your false self with its tons of excuses and its belief in limitations. As it edges God out, your false self forces you to part with ideas that prove you’re a spiritual being having a temporary human experience. Ego gives you a rationale for creating the rationalizations and justifications that eventually go on to direct your life. They become so embedded in what social scientists call the subconscious that your habitual mind turns into an excuse machine.

Allow yourself to look through your new lens by acquiring a set of beliefs that includes your spiritual or God-realized nature. It may feel a little unfamiliar, or even mysterious, at first, but be willing to allow your senses to adjust to this new way of seeing. Transcend the idea that your genetic makeup is static. With your new ability to perceive ego, you’ll become a wizard who easily dethrones the dictator of your false self, bypassing early conditioning imposed by people in your environment who have edged God out.

As you get comfortable with this new way of seeing yourself, ask yourself the following question: If no one told me who I was, who would I be? Quietly meditate on this by spending some time in the spaciousness of not knowing. Imagine that your subconscious mind is nonexistent and there is no storage receptacle for excuses during your life. There’s just an open and inviting clear space inside of you—a tabula rasa, or blank slate, with a magical surface that nothing adheres to. You might imagine that your everyday conscious mind simply doesn’t absorb the opinions of the folks you grew up with. In this little fantasy, there’s never been anyone telling you who you are. So who are you?

When I did this exercise, I found that my answer to the above question was quite simply: I would be anything that I, and only I, decided to be in this moment and all future moments. As the song goes, “I’ve gotta be me,” and that means jettisoning all of the excuses I’ve accumulated. My habitual life wouldn’t be based upon anyone’s early programming, since there wouldn’t be anyone who ever told me who I am. Or, as the Tao teaches:

Look to nature for your sustenance
Look to the great mysterious Tao [God] that
does nothing and leaves nothing undone
Observe how the entire universe and all of
these beautiful Tao-centered creatures work.¹

Tao-centred creatures allow. They trust. They live here in the present moment and, most assuredly, they have no need for any excuses.

Applying your fresh perspective to common excuse categories

Now I’d like to show you how you can take the fresh perspective you’ve gained by looking through your new lens. The excuse categories of genetics, memetics, and consciousness are about to be shown the door.

Your new outlook on genetic programming

I’m sure you’re familiar with some variation of this popular excuse: “I can’t help it; it runs in my family.” New biology, however, has proven that beliefs can override DNA, so move what you thought was a fact to the “excuse file” by altering how you view its authenticity. You can change what you perceive as immutable and beyond your reach by eliminating excuses such as the ones in the genetic excuse category.

As Gregg Braden writes in his astonishing book The Spontaneous Healing of Belief:

Paradigm-shattering experiments published in leading-edge, peer-reviewed journals reveal that we’re bathed in a field of intelligent energy that fills what used to be thought as empty space. Additional discoveries show beyond any reasonable doubt that this field responds to us—it rearranges itself—in the presence of our heart-based feelings and beliefs. And this is the revolution that changes everything.

Here are two exercises to practice applying these ideas to your genetic program:

1. Be open to scientifically verified idea that your beliefs have the power to rearrange and change the material world. Start by making this particularly pertinent for you in your physical and personal destiny by contemplating that more things of this nature are possible than you’ve previously experienced. Allow these new thoughts about your biology to gently enter your belief system. Encourage yourself to consider your beliefs as things that affect you, perhaps even more than physical particles do. If it suits you, you may even see beliefs as non-particles in the non-material or spiritual world.
2. Create an affirmation that attests to this new no-excuses philosophy for genetics. Something from the following list would work fine, but feel free to come up with your own:

• I can change my body’s infirmities by shifting my beliefs.
• I have the power to undo old thoughts about my genetic destiny.
• If I stay with them and live from my heart, my beliefs can inspire new talents if I so desire.
• I can heal anything by healing my beliefs first.
• I intend to keep my beliefs uppermost, and I refuse to blame anything in the material world for any deficiencies in my life.

Your new outlook on memetic programming

Again, this is an excuse category that you’ve probably depended on to justify why life isn’t what you really want it to be. These are the big mind-virus excuses. My family made me the way I am, and I can’t change it. My early childhood experience and all of the unfair criticism I received explain why I have low self-esteem. I’m stuck in this place because I’ve been infected by a multitude of mind viruses and environmental facts that have left me shortchanged when it comes to fulfilling a higher destiny. How can I change what I’ve imitated and mimicked for so many years? I’ve been infected by mind viruses, and it’s impossible to change.

What follows are two exercises to practice applying to your memetic program:

1. Affirm: I believe that I am perfectly capable of overcoming any early conditioning I have adopted as a part of my personality and my current life experience. Know that research is demonstrating that the power of thought is aligned with the universal mind, which many call “the Tao” or “God”. Just hang on to this idea for now—it will become clearer as you progress through this course in Stop the Excuses!
2. Assert that anything that’s been programmed into you and acts like a virus is perfectly capable of being deprogrammed if you decide it’s worth the effort. Remind yourself that since you’re not presently a victim of beliefs that were modelled for you when you were much younger, using these as excuses is no longer your method. At this point you don’t even have to know how to deprogram or disinfect yourself. All you need to believe is that you have the ability and will begin now.

Here’s an affirmation that will guide you to awareness and answers: I am much more powerful today than the old programs and mind viruses that I absorbed in my childhood. Telling yourself this will make your inner teacher appear!

Your new outlook on creative consciousness

The everyday activity of your creative consciousness also proliferates excuses. You might think that you have no control over the thoughts that just keep popping into your head, but consider this radical idea: Your thoughts are not located in your head. Thought is an energy system that isn’t found anywhere in the physical world. The universe itself and everything in it is both mental and spiritual in nature. You create a field of energy with your thoughts, and the field creates all of the particles, or what Lao-tzu called “the world of the 10,000 things.” This energy field is an important function of the body; your conscious mind is always working and connecting to this field from which everything is intended.

Apply these two exercises:

1. Quiet the mind by practising daily meditation. As Sogyal Rinpoche wrote in the The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying: “The gift of learning to meditate is the greatest gift you can give yourself in this life. For it is only through meditation that you can undertake the journey to discover your true nature, and so find the stability and confidence you will need to live, and die, well.” Find a way to give yourself that gift and access your conscious creative mind by eliminating unnecessary, unwanted, superfluous thoughts through meditation.
2. Use positive proclamations daily that are life enhancing and align you with the loving Source of everything. Rather than allowing your thoughts to insist that something is wrong or missing, retrain your conscious creative mind with beliefs such as these: What I desire is already here; I just haven’t connected to it yet. It can’t be stopped because my thoughts are aligned with the mind or intellect of God.

Your new outlook on habitual consciousness

In this category you’ll find excuses such as: “I can’t help the way I am because I’ve had so many limiting ideas programmed into me. It’s my subconscious, so I can’t even reach in there and examine it, let alone deprogram myself. If you believe that your mind is below your level of conscious awareness, you’ve created a ready excuse to use whenever it’s difficult to change your thinking. And if the self-limiting thoughts have been with you for years, it seems like a perfect excuse. So rename the subconscious mind the habitual mind.

Habit implies that you’ve made the same choices over time, and your thoughts and behaviours are simply accustomed to a certain way of being. It also suggests that there’s room to make your thoughts less automatic and more aligned with the realm of choice. Practice the following as you start to eliminate excuses from your habitual mind:

1. Begin noticing what you’re thinking as a way to weaken your reliance on the excuse of your subconscious. Repeating these quotes can be helpful: “Every extension of knowledge arises from making conscious the unconscious” [Friedrich Nietzsche], and “The unconscious… is dangerous only when our conscious attitude towards it becomes hopelessly false” [from Modern Man in Search of a Soul, by Carl Jung]. Two of the world’s greatest teachers state that you can change previously unconscious thinking habits and bring them to your conscious mind. Relying upon the excuse of a subconscious mind is both false and dangerous. Why not create your version of those quotes as well? Try something like this: “I am perfectly capable of reaching into my own mind and changing anything about myself that is supported by my habitual thinking patterns, even if they seem to be automatic at this point in time.” Speak your truth in a way that assists your choice to rid yourself of those excuses.
2. Make this motto for your thoughts: Do good things, and don’t do bad things! Bad thoughts prompt you to engage in self-limiting behaviours; good thoughts, on the other hand, support your desire and capacity to live at high levels of joy, success, and health.

^{1. From Hua Hu Ching: The Unknown Teachings of Lao Tzu, translated by Brian Walker [Harper Collins, 1994].↩}

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I would certainly describe myself a person of faith. But it’s difficult to provide a concrete definition of how I understand it.

What Does Having Faith Mean?

When I say I have faith, does it mean I hold out some kind of naive hope? Does it imply I believe in some parental entity up in the sky running the show? Can I simultaneously have faith and be a rational, intelligent person? Is it right to even speak of “having faith”, as though it’s a possession?

Asking these questions allowed me to refine my understanding and see that, for me, faith doesn’t have anything to do with belief or Gods. Rather, for me faith means I live life trusting that love is at work in every situation. This often happens in ways the rational mind can’t entirely grasp, even in situations that may be filled with pain and suffering.

Having Faith Is a Matter of Experience

This attitude has very little to do with belief; in fact, it is something based on direct, lived experiences.

One such experience that bolstered my faith occurred recently when my wife and I were going through a difficult period in our relationship. For several months, we were trapped in a cycle of conflict, misunderstanding and fear. At several points, our union nearly dissolved. But over the course of many months, we addressed some deep seeded issues that had led to the conflict. This work broke down barriers we didn’t realize we had created between us, and ultimately allowed us to be more open, honest and intimate.

At the time I was going through it, I wasn’t very grateful for the challenges. But now that I see how much it allowed us to grow, I consider the struggle we went through as a gift. Just as fire is a necessary part of the forest’s capacity to regenerate, perhaps pain was the only way to bring us to a deeper level of love.

This is but one example of a situation when not getting my way was actually the best thing for me, when the suffering I was running from was actually a great teacher in disguise, when life was bringing me toward a deeper understanding of love despite my resistance.

I don’t know if I can chalk this up to the workings of supernatural forces, nor if I can make any grand pronouncements about how it might work out for other people in other circumstances. I can only say that, from my little corner of the universe, seeing love in every situation is the most accurate way to interpret my experience.

Looking back and realizing how things do work out even when I thought they wouldn’t, gives me the strength to confront the challenges and difficulties that continue to come my way. It’s in this sense that I live in faith.

Choice and Grace in Equal Measure

The question is whether this attitude is chosen or given. Is it something I’ve earned or something I’ve received?

I don’t have a cut and dry answer to this, because, as with most “spiritual” matters, the answer lies somewhere in between. This shouldn’t be worrisome, however, as paradoxes often draw us in deeper to life’s mysteries and force us to see things outside of dualistic categories and labels.

The best I can say is that faith is a gift—but one that is earned. Like falling asleep, there are some active things you can do to set the right conditions for faith to arise. But at a certain point, you have to set the active will aside and simply surrender yourself.

It sometimes feels like faith is something I’ve chosen. I might not be able to choose the experiences that come my way, but I do have the power to interpret them in the way I see fit.

But the idea that faith is simply a choice is problematic in a number of ways. I can’t, in all honesty, say that if I grew up in different circumstances, I would have arrived at the same conclusions. I often wonder whether the faith I describe is based on my relatively fortunate upbringing and experiences.

If I would claim that faith is purely a matter of choice, it would be like taking credit for growing a beautiful flower while ignoring the soil that nourished it. I can only make the “choice” to have faith because of a whole host of un-chosen factors.

You Have to Do the Work

While it’s true that I should feel very fortunate to have had the conditions that allowed faith to blossom, healthy soil is not everything. A good gardener also needs to take care of his plants, to water them and prevent weeds from taking hold.

There are many others who have been raised in similar circumstances, yet hold very different attitudes about life. There are those who collapse under the slightest bit of suffering or critique, who will immediately dismiss any talk of things “working out” as childish fantasy. Some people, no matter how good they may have it, remain jaded, cynical and doubtful.

This is where the “work” side of faith comes into play. There are certain things that I have done—that anyone can do—to allow faith to take root inside them.

The first and probably most important thing that one can do is meditation [or any form of contemplation]. Practicing mindfulness is an effective way to counteract the natural tendency to see yourself at the center of the universe, prioritizing your immediate needs and desires above all. This “default setting” leads us to get caught up in situations and lose sight of the larger picture, of how love may be at work in unseen ways.

When difficulty arises, if I take the situation as evidence that the world is against me, that I am abandoned, alone, and condemned to suffering, then I will react accordingly [and likely make things worse].

If, instead, I take a step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself to simply witness the hardship arising, I step out of my own way and allow the situation to offer me whatever lessons I need to learn.

This is why faith does not automatically drop into your lap if x, y, z conditions are in place. You have to work to recondition and retrain yourself to see the presence of love, since the mind tends to spot and complain about any little thing that’s not delivered immediately in the way it wants.

Having Faith Is Not Always Easy

Seeing the world this way, in one sense, is very challenging, since faith is easy to speak about when things are going well, but very difficult to apply when things get tough. But in another sense, it’s the most natural, obvious, and simple thing in the world.

Faith did not just appear in my life one day and has been there ever since. There are some days when I feel unshakable confidence in my convictions and others when I really question whether I’m just deluding myself.

But faith is one of the important parts of my life, since it allows me to persevere through difficult situations, to work with them as creatively as possible, to continue exploring and reflecting until I can find the love that I have seen is present and at work in every situation.

While certain efforts are necessary to arrive at this vision, I also have to remember that, like existence itself, my ability to go through life this way is actually a tremendous gift.

Last updated on 24^th July 2020

The post What Does It Really Mean to Have Faith? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

No other person, place or thing can permanently change the way you feel deep inside. They may distract you from your feelings temporarily, but they cannot affect the true core of your soul.

As we can choose to pity ourselves in the case of an unfortunate event, we can just as easily make a conscious decision not to. Optimism is a choice and, while it’s not always the easiest one to make, it certainly is the most fulfilling.

I consider myself an overall optimistic person, and I often find myself saying the same thing to those who ask me how I remain this way: “Life is what you make of it.”

While we may not always feel in charge of our own emotions, we all hold the required tools to take control. Mindfulness plays a large role. With these six tips, you can decide your emotional response to any given event.

1. Imagine life as a test you’re determined to pass

While it’s easy to resent the world for its tragedies, its annoyances and tiny mishaps, it’s actually not that difficult to accept them instead.

Every event and every obstacle we face can be considered a test of our character and good will. Each day we are given the chance to prove ourselves, to prove our true nature. We should embrace these opportunities. Challenge yourself to accept what cannot be changed.

Sitting in traffic can be a horrible, hellish experience or it can be the best part of your day. If you stopped huffing and puffing so much, you’d realise that this is the only hour you have solely for yourself. Take the time to decompress. Listen to some good music. Practice singing, or that dreaded presentation you have to make at work. Catch up with an old friend over the phone.

Or just smile at the miserable person in the car beside you. Laugh at their misery. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll laugh along with you.

2. Take a moment to digest

Why are you supposed to wait 30 minutes to go swimming after you’ve eaten? Because your body needs time to digest, or so your mother says. Well, the same thing goes with our emotions.

Remember the saying when you were a kid, “Think before you speak”? Well, it’s even more relevant as an adult. Taking a few extra minutes, or even a whole day, to react to an unsettling event might seem like a waste of time, but it’s probably worth it. Not only will digesting help you process your own feelings, it will eliminate the risk of overreacting, and later regretting your response.

3. Surround yourself with rational, positive people

Neuroscientist Giacomo Rizzolatti explores a theory involving “mirror neurons.” He has found that neurons in the human brain actually mirror what their eyes perceive, which explains why we cringe when we witness someone getting hurt.

“Every time I see you smiling,” Jonah says, “my own brain lights up as if I’m smiling.” Our emotions are influenced by the emotions of those around us. Have you ever smiled or giggled at a crying baby and seen their face suddenly mimic yours? This is a perfect example of the theory.

We feel what we see, even if it is unconscious or involuntary. It’s important to surround yourself with people who will influence you to make reasonable choices, and to respond rationally.

4. React out of love, not fear

Another theory states that there are only two basic emotions we all experience: love and fear. All other emotions are variations of these. Anxiety, anger, loneliness, depression, inadequacy, confusion and shame are all fear-based emotions, while joy, trust, compassion, truth and satisfaction are based on love.

It is important to understand the core of your emotional response to any given event. What’s driving your reaction? If you’re experiencing resentment, are you responding out of fear? How can you eliminate your distress?

Answering these questions will not only help you control your reaction, it will enhance your self-awareness and hopefully, make you tolerate or, better yet, accept the situation.

5. Switch roles

A good tactic for responding out of love, instead of fear, is to look at the situation from a different point of view. Usually, this means putting yourself in your “opponent’s” shoes.

Can you see things in a different light? Remember that this person can only act out of fear or love as well, so they must be doing the former. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Rather than arguing, try to find a way out of fear or anger and into the realm of mutual understanding.

6. Don’t underestimate your own integrity

Integrity is defined as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.” We often neglect the importance of this virtue. We let ourselves off too easily when we react poorly to a difficult situation. “But, I was pissed,” we say, brushing off the absurd mental breakdown we had in line for our morning coffee.

We believe that it’s human nature to get irritated, to overreact or to misunderstand. We therefore think it’s OK to behave in ludicrous ways. We forget about the importance of integrity, whose alternative definition is described as “the state of being whole and undivided.”

Balance is a key factor in choosing our own mood and accomplishing the contentment we all seek in life. Our own integrity can help us make better decisions and ultimately feel fulfilled.

To read more articles by Sarah Williams visit http://get-a-wingman.com/

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Mood is your choice appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What makes a choice difficult is how the alternatives relate. In an easy easy choice, one alternative is clearly better than the other. In a hard choice, one alternative is better in some ways while the other alternative is better in other ways, but neither is better overall.

Watch the video as Chang offers a powerful new framework for shaping who we truly are.

About the speaker

Ruth Chang is an American professor of philosophy at Rutgers University. She is known for her research on the incommensurability of values and on practical reason and normativity. She is also widely known for her work on ‘hard choices’ and decision-making, and her research has been the subject of radio, newspaper, and magazine articles in the United States, Brazil, Taiwan, Austria, Australia, Canada, Israel, Italy, and the United Kingdom.

The post How to make hard choices appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How we make decisions

Making decisions is one of the hallmarks of human behaviour. Our decision-making abilities distinguish us from the primates and help us to make choices towards making our lives and civilisation better. It is a complex human behaviour, and the lack of it is one of the most debilitating causes of unhappiness in life.

Decisions are required in all aspects of life, however simple it may be, like deciding what to wear for office or deciding to invest in stocks or even extreme situations governing life and death. Decisions are about options and choosing from among the options wisely, so as to optimise the results. It is a complex cognitive process [thinking process], which requires synchronisation of other cognitive functions such as memory, assessment of risk, knowledge of outcomes, motivation and reasoning.

The decision-making process

The process of decision making involves:

1. Understanding the problem
2. Listing the alternatives
3. Evaluating the gains and risks with each alternative
4. Evaluating the probabilities associated with outcomes
5. Choosing the alternative
6. Learning from outcome.

Research has shown that parts of the brain known as the dorsal and ventral streams guide decision making. Injury to these parts, through physical injury, as in head injury or due to neuro-chemical imbalance as seen in psychiatric disorders, can bring about deficits in decision making.

In general, it can be said that synchronisation between emotional and cognitive processes ensure effective decision making. When emotional or cognitive processing is disturbed, such as seen in psychiatric conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis or personality disorders, the ability of decision making is severely impaired.

Understanding indecisiveness

Indecision or indecisiveness is a generic term for the inability to make decisions, not specifically due to any neurological or psychiatric conditions. It is a common condition experienced in different phases of life, when we are faced with challenges. These may involve difficult situations in which an important decision needs to be made. For example, choice of career, business decisions, financial investments, choice of friends, choice of a partner and so on. It is said that the most difficult decisions in life are not about choosing right v/s wrong, but about right v/s right.

Decision makers can be classified in two extreme groups: one who decide on impulse, and therefore may later repent or suffer because of their decisions. The second who due to their chronic indecisiveness are paralysed in making decisions. They suffer from extreme anxiety and frequently avoid making decisions by themselves. They may depend on others to make decisions for them or may avoid such situations altogether.

Indecisiveness is not a psychiatric condition

Indecisiveness is a condition that comes under the purview of personality disorders. It is to be noted that personality disorders do not signify any kind of neuro-chemical imbalance or any psychiatric condition, but it is a term used to signify relatively permanent patterns of behaviours of some individuals.

In some people, these patterns reveal a chronic inability to make decisions, since they can not judge the significance of their decisions or understand the risks involved. They frequently gamble with choices that involve heavy risks or minimum gains. Hence, such decisions often result in undesirable outcomes, unpleasantness, and repentance. Such outcomes often underline the decision maker’s incapacities. This makes the decision maker less confident about himself or herself, and fosters self-doubt and leads to more difficulties in making decisions. This comprises the vicious cycle of indecisiveness.

The rationale behind indecisiveness

Indecisiveness may also stem from a tendency towards perfectionism, which makes some people go after making the ‘perfect decision’. No decision can be perfect, since every decision is a weighted average of the pros and cons, but such perfectionist people are unable to sit quiet with such incongruence. Hence, for them, decision making is a scrupulous process, in which, they must follow each step minutely and accurately. This often prolongs the decision making process and leads to burn out of resources. Ultimately, they suffer from chronic indecisiveness.

It is said that the essence of human life lies with the capacity to ‘choose’. This freedom to choose to do what we want, gives our life a meaning and it further helps us to define our purpose of living. This purpose gives clarity to our thoughts and feelings, and further refines our ability to make decisions in line with our designated purpose of life.

Aimlessness often fosters indecisiveness

Individuals, who are unable to figure out their meaning or purpose in life, often suffer from a kind of aimlessness, which fosters indecisiveness. For example, students who are not sure about their knack or ambition, often feel confused about which career path to choose beyond schooling. Students who lack this focus, or aim in life, are unable to remain happy with any career decision, because, in the very first place, they were not sure about their meaning of life.

Similarly, many such decisions in life demand an effective resolution to the question about one’s meaning of life. Often indecisiveness stems from a battle between choices which demand choosing between our core values and what may be convenient for us. For example, when we choose to follow the wrong means for getting our work done, we choose to go against our value system, which may emphasise honesty and sincerity. In such situations, it is our meaning in life, which guides us in making a decision between these two choices, both of which appear apparently right!

You can overcome indecisiveness

At the outset, let us first understand that all problems do not have solutions. Similarly, all situations may not necessitate decision making. Even choosing not to make a decision is a decision! Hence, it is important to understand the background of our decisions, so that we can justify the circumstances with the decision we make.

This is an important point, because the significance of a decision changes with time. What may seem like a perfect decision today, may be a flawed one tomorrow. Hence, it must be remembered that decision making is not about making the one perfect solution, but is about making the best of a deal—every decision has its pros and cons. It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis when making a decision, since this highlights the gains and risks involved.

For chronic indecisiveness, the problem may not have such a simple solution. It may involve several steps in helping oneself.

4 steps to help you overcome indecisiveness

1. Identify your pattern

If you think you fiddle way too much with making decisions, and even after making decisions, you are not sure and repent having made a particular decision. You must first identify your pattern. Make a habit of writing a diary, where you can list down your difficulties and discomfort while making the decision and aftermath. This will provide insight into your pattern and help you understand where you may be going wrong.

2. Identify chronic areas

Once you have identified your pattern, try and understand the chronic area of failure. Is it with understanding the problem or with gauging the different options? Is it with evaluation of risks or with evaluating feasibility of alternatives? Is it with choosing the best option or with perfectionism hampering your peace after you have made the decision? It may be one, many or a mixture of all.

3. Build on what you may be lacking

If you have successfully identified the lacunae, you can help yourself. Take the help of your friends or close ones, or even a professional counsellor or clinical psychologist, who might help you build on your weak areas.

4. Correct some basic beliefs

Some people are perfectionists by nature. For them, perfectionism in whatever they do is a prerequisite. This stems from a basic belief system which emphasises that they ‘must’ do things perfectly. Such beliefs, as already discussed, hamper the decision making process, because such people are never satisfied with their decisions, and thereby suffer from chronic indecisiveness. The remedy is to correct such beliefs to understand that too much perfectionism is not ideal at all. Perfectionism itself has its pros and cons, and when applied to the decision making process, can lead to severe impairments.

Refine the decision making process: Evaluate the alternatives well, and get a fair idea of the costs and benefits of a choice. Once you decide upon the option, remember not to brood over it. While you may learn from your mistakes, brooding will only demotivate you.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it may be said, that indecisiveness is a common problem. However, there are no perfect decisions and no perfect decision makers. It is an individual’s psychological reality that decides for him/her, which alternative s/he chooses. After all, the freedom to choose is a basic human right. Perhaps, the only guiding principle which may be adopted is that: make the best of the deal and then look forward to making more decisions.

Last updated on 26^th November 2020

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—Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi needs no introduction. Fondly called Bapu, Gandhi was an epitome of values. What sets him apart is that he remained truthful to his values and practised what he preached.

My interpretation of the above quotation

Mahatma Gandhi played perhaps the most important role in India’s struggle for freedom from the British Rule. For him, freedom—political and philosophical—was a birthright, and the right to choose was implicit in it. He knew that freedom from British rule may lead to many other problems for Indians but for him, freedom was the highest value and was worth much more than anything else.

In the above quote, Gandhi is referring to individual freedom, which is often called “liberty”. Gandhi’s definition of freedom was all-encompassing. According to him, authentic freedom is about being able to choose, even if your choice ends up being the wrong one. If you have the freedom to choose, but you can’t make mistakes, then it is not freedom at all—it’s only a disguised form of imposition.

Mistakes should not be a hindrance to choice because unless we choose, we wouldn’t know if it is a mistake. If we’re given the freedom to choose with the condition that our choices must always be right, then we will always want to avoid making any choice. Because, most often we don’t know whether a choice is right or not until after we have made it.

So, genuine freedom means having a choice of alternatives available to us, and we select one, without any restrictions imposed on us. Therefore, when Gandhi is saying that freedom is not worth having without the freedom to commit mistakes, he is crusading for complete freedom.

Last year, on the occasion of Gandhi Jayanti, just before he became the 44th president of America, Barack Obama said, “In formulating his strategy to achieve freedom, Gandhi had a choice, and he chose courage over fear.” Gandhi didn’t know then whether his choice was right or wrong. But he did know that unless he allowed himself to make mistakes, he wouldn’t ever be really free.

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