My birth mother was a depressed, angry woman. She was unkind toward me and screamed at me on most days. Yet, there were also time times when she was extra kind toward me, helping me with my homework and cooking scrumptious dishes. Though a perfectionist by disposition, she had a creative flair in embroidery, displayed a zest for learning something new and had great sense of organisation.

She kept oscillating between these polarities and the entire spectrum. However, the child in me couldn’t comprehend such oscillation, especially when she would be verbally abusive, physically violent, and emotionally unavailable for me.

My mother wounds

Being a medical doctor by training, I speak to you in the language of wounds and healing, and what childhood neglect does to you. The shadow aspect of my mother inflicted wounds in me while the kinder aspects would soothe the wounds. Some days the wounding would be intense and there was no time left for the wound to heal. This way my wounds grew deeper and deeper. It was only a few years ago, when I was in my 50s, that I learned that these wounds a mother inflicts on the psyche of her child are called “mother wounds”.

My birth mother had hurt me so badly that subconsciously I developed an urge to become the best mother in the world. Yes, I dreamed of being a mother from childhood. I would wait for my breasts to grow, and when they didn’t, I would place tennis balls to mimic them and pretend I was a mother to my dolls, breastfeeding them, not knowing that it was my inner child who sought the nourishment.

As I grew, I became overtly maternal. I took it upon me to mother others. And I was attracted to mother figures. As I studied in a convent school I was surrounded by nuns and female teachers and the ones I loved became my foster mothers. I latched onto them and became really clingy at times. But at the first sign of loud voices or reprimand, I would shut them out from my life and wallow in my motherless soup.

Another consequence of my mother wounds was that they left me with deep shame for my sexuality and being a woman. I had low self esteem and a poor body image. I buried myself in my books and academics and disconnected from my body. With my mother, even the natural process of menstruation was projected to me as dirty, and therefore a valid reason to keep me trapped in the house and to avoid playing with boys. I was made to cover up in dresses that were ankle length, had collars that choked my neck and chest measurements that pressed the growing breasts, leaving them with a message: don’t you dare grow bigger and fuller.

When I started my healing journey, I began to understand that these wounds are festering deep in the tradition and culture of society. That is why my wiser adult self chose not blame my mother for she had perhaps been tortured by her mother, who was, in turn, treated poorly by her mother and so on. Blaming or punishing her would not help me heal.

So what did help me to heal?

How I healed from my mother wounds

The energy of the wounded child had to be released and set free so that I could be free from her shackles and limiting beliefs. I had to change her voice, her dressing, her mannerisms and bring her to listen to her inner self.

Each wound was healed with deep love and compassion in the loving, nurturing, sacred circles of women, in the arms of love, in the thousands of pages of journals that carried the weight of my wounds and in prose and poetry laced with tears. Creative art including voice exercises and dance movements helped me to express my angst.

Here are a few things I did to help me heal

1. I took time off and went on solo holidays to work on my inner wounds
2. To overcome shame, I started taking sessions for women where we talked openly about our bodies and celebrated our sensuality
3. I used my voice to highlight the injustice in the system where women were made to disconnect from their bodies
4. I worked with my body and my menstrual cycle and opened a new relationship with my physical being
5. I cherished every new creation and found myself a team of cheerleader friends
6. I fed myself wholesome and nourishing soul food; I cooked for me, sang for me, nurtured myself
7. I took long baths with fragrant oils and bath salts; I massaged every part of my body with love and cried copious tears in the bathroom
8. To release the shame some more, I danced to Bollywood item numbers in the privacy of my bedroom and only my mirror as the audience

Final words

Thus I birthed a new mother within me who is no longer like the meddling nagging mother from the fairy tales but the queen mother, the fairy godmother who has her daughter’s interests at heart and this inner mother has taught me to draw safe boundaries, speak my truth, be my authentic self and share my creativity with the world without inhibitions.

She is healing gently, the wounded daughter but this inner mother now stands tall by her side.

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“There is strong evidence that children are happier, healthier, function better, know more about the environment, and are more likely to take action to protect the natural world when they spend time in nature.” said Dr Chawla.

These findings support the idea that young people should have easy access to wild areas, parks, gardens, green neighborhoods, and naturalised grounds at schools.

Connection not necessarily positive

However, the review also found that a connection with nature is not necessarily always positive.

“My review shows that connecting with nature is a complex experience that can generate troubling emotions as well as happiness.” said Dr Chawla. “We need to keep in mind that children are inheriting an unravelling biosphere, and many of them know it. Research shows that when adolescents react with despair, they are unlikely to take action to address challenges.”

The good news is that there is overlap in the strategies used to increase children’s feelings of connection with nature and supporting them with difficult dimensions of this connection. These strategies include helping young people learn what they can do to protect the natural world, as individuals and working collectively with others, and sharing examples of people who care for nature.

Children need to be heard

Research covered in the review found that young people are more likely to believe a better world is possible when friends, family and teachers listen sympathetically to their fears and give them a safe space to share their emotions.

One of the most surprising findings from the review was the complete disconnect between researchers studying the benefits of childhood connection to nature and those studying responses to environmental threats. “People who study children’s connection with nature and those who study their coping with environmental risk and loss have been pursuing separate directions without referencing or engaging with each other.” said Dr Chawla. “I am arguing that researchers on both sides need to be paying attention to each other’s work and learning from each other”.

Read the full review

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Long ago I had heard in a life class that the Universe always gives you signs. It’s like a big mirror and it reflects your thoughts and feelings. So, during those three days, I reflected about what signs the Universe was giving me.

I realised that there were many small and big signs that I had refused to see until then—like losing a job, a friendship and a relationship. I had told myself that these are just phases… until debt came over, took me by the collar and had my attention. I realised I was suffering from a disease called “over-giving.”

So how did I land myself in this awful situation

I was brought up by a single mother along with three other siblings. I was the youngest of three daughters. It was a hard life and I only got attention when I was either sick or created a crisis. So somewhere I created this story about myself: “If I stay sick and in a bad state I would be loved and taken care of.” I also felt I was not good enough the way I was, which led to over-giving, in order to earn appreciation. To add to it, I was/am a sensitive girl and an empath; it was in my nature to give.

Childhood passed but sadly the pattern remained. I continued to over-give i order to receive appreciated. I became an agony aunt who was always available and people started dumping their toxicity on me.

Giving is not bad, but the law of nature dictates that there must be a balance—to receive you have to give, and vice versa. I was completely closed to receiving. I was in an underpaid job, was involved in too many voluntary activities and found myself surrounded by a lot of needy people. The Universe could not have held a better image than that one for me to face my reality. I sought therapy.

From then, life started changing for the better

My therapist told me that I had a 100 taps open with not enough in the reservoir. I could not even sustain myself, yet I was constantly giving. So, it showed up as emotional debt in my life. No wonder sickness came and with it came financial debt as well. It baffled me that people who were less hardworking or educated than me were in better positions in life. I slogged, did good to others but continued suffering. Little did I know that I was living my childhood story of lack.

Making the change was not easy

At the age of 30 my friends were settled—financially and personally. And here I was, beginning to relearn the ways of life. It brought in a lot of anger, guilt, fear and the need to blame. The first lesson was to accept total responsibility of myself. In a gist, I had to accept that I was a fully functional adult with freedom of choice.

The next step was self-parenting. It meant that I gave myself the care I expected my parents or my guardians to give me as a child. I started to tell myself good things and I did so every day. I told myself I was beautiful, brilliant and deserved better.

The third thing I did was to let some people go. I believed in always staying in touch, no matter what. But when you hoard on to what is now useless [even though it once served a purpose], it starts stinking. I started choosing people. With deep humility and grace, I asked a few to leave. Of course that caused commotion but I stuck to my guns.

The fourth thing I learned was to ask for what I want. Now I hear the other person out, but I make sure that I speak out about my needs and reach a happy middle ground. This has come from a place of self deserving. I learned that we only ask for what we think we deserve. I left my job and got a better deal. The Universe always helps when you intend to grow.

As, I made these changes, my environment started responding. I started getting work that satiated me. I was paid for every little piece I wrote—there was no more free work. Today, I am surrounded by happy healthy people and it’s been a while since I faced a crisis.

Commitment is the key

It takes commitment and effort to break your patterns. I realised that my patterns had come from my grandmother, through my mother to me. Though it may seem like a family thing, my siblings did not carry it. If I look back at life, I see so many crises that I created, all for the need to be loved and heard. Now that I love myself, I am loved, honored and heard everywhere I go, just as I am.

Have I learnt my lessons? To an extent yes, but I am still a work in progress, till I see the manifestation of a fully abundant life, in every way possible.

The post Breaking patterns: My journey from debt to abundance appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Carving different destinies

The first son was not happy. A single piece of wood was worth nothing. Other fathers gave their sons gold and land. He immediately went to the market and sold the piece of wood for a few rupees to the very first buyer, since he didn’t want to wait around in the hot sun for a better price. He then went and spent the money on some alcohol in an attempt to forget his miserly father. The second son went to the market too. The first buyer’s offer price seemed too low, so he went around looking for a better deal. After three days he sold the piece of wood for three times the sum the first son had received. Soon he started worrying about being robbed, so he went to the local banker and kept all his money safely in the bank.

The third son was grateful to his father for giving him such an opportunity and considered this simple piece of wood a blessing. He spent one week visiting different markets and shops to find out what was the best thing he could do with his piece of wood. After 10 days, he saw a handcrafted wooden elephant selling for an exorbitant price. He went inside the shop and saw a few craftsmen working on pieces of wood and creating carved elephants out of them. He liked what he saw and met the owner, offering to work there for a month for free. In return, he wanted to be trained in the art of carving. For one month he faced a lot of hardships, as he didn’t have any money. But he soon learned the art of converting pieces of wood into exquisite handcrafted elephants. He went back to the piece of wood his father had given him, and worked on it to carve an elephant, which he then sold for 40 times the original cost of the wood in the market.

Equal opportunity, unequal success

After a year, the boys’ father came back and was surprised at what he found. His first son had become an alcoholic, who wouldn’t work. His second son was working hard as a farmer, while his money grew slowly with the local banker. He valued safety and security and was unwilling to take calculated risks, so even though he had not lost money like the first son, his investment hadn’t grown a lot. The father was pleasantly surprised to see that his third son was now the owner of a huge shop that employed several wood carvers. The third son had gone on to buy more pieces of wood with the money he had made and had hired people to work for him. He had become one of the richest people in the village by using the same inheritance of one piece of wood.

Invest in knowledge

I request all parents to share the above story with their children and loved ones. Read it over and over again, and you will realise the wonderful lesson behind it. We all have the same piece of wood, and it is in our hands to make sure that we use it in the best possible way. The third son might have taken some time to get started, and had to face more hardships in the beginning compared to his brothers, but he didn’t quit because he believed in what he was doing.

A simple piece of wood with the right knowledge applied to it has the power to do wonders. Remember, no matter how little or how much wealth you have today, it is not a guarantee for what you will have tomorrow. You could be born with a silver spoon and could end up losing it all, or be born with a wooden spoon and end up manufacturing silver spoons for others. The only thing that remains is knowledge. So let us all invest in knowledge, and use that knowledge in every aspect of our lives. You need to be like a sponge, which absorbs as much knowledge as possible. And while learning, be in a playful mood. Smile. Laugh. Learn. You will absorb knowledge much easily when you are not taking yourself too seriously. It will no longer be a task, but a pleasurable experience.

How I used my piece of wood

My father told the same story to me when I was a little boy. Like all little boys, I loved playing with toys—cars, robots, soldiers and other such things that little children like. Mine was a middle-class family and in those days, India was still a closed economy. All these toys were imported from Dubai or Singapore and cost quite a lot in India.

Since my childhood days, I was encouraged to dream big and not let anything stop me from getting what I desired. My parents would frequently travel abroad for work and business and during these trips, they would usually buy lots of toys for me. I would enjoy playing with these and once I was done with them, I would sell them to other kids around me at a decent profit. Kids would buy these toys, because these weren’t available anywhere else—they were rare and desirable.

I was five years old at that time. Buying toys abroad, playing with them and selling them was fun and set the basis for everything else I did and learnt in life about not just saving money, but even investing it and selling my investments at a profit.

Unfortunately children are not taught about money, business, saving and investing in our education system. In life these are the most important skills. Ensure that you teach your children to think positively about life and that they believe nothing is impossible for them—because truly nothing is impossible for them!

Encourage your child’s entrepreneurial spirit

For teaching children about money, you should thrust them into the world of business. Let them start their own businesses, let them sell products, give them freedom rather than preaching to them. Had my family told me, “Don’t sell used toys to other kids, it is not good”, I would never have learnt about money and business.

Parents make the mistake of forcing kids to do things that everyone else is doing, telling them to become MBAs and engineers, even though their kids might be interested in something else. I remember parents telling their kids to spend time studying, rather than giving them the freedom to read and explore this wonderful world. I am happy and thank my parents for giving me so much freedom and at the same time helping me discover my own path.

And above all, the best way to encourage children is to think like a child. Being childlike is the best quality all of us can have, being like a child helps us learn faster, we let go of preconceived notions, we let go of our ego and we are open to new ideas.

Tips for teaching children about money

1. Never hesitate to discuss money, business and ideas about the way money works at the dinner table. Children are the quickest learners; help them become friends with wealth!
2. Encourage your kids to start small businesses and explore their creative instincts. If your child likes to draw—encourage him to start a business where he sells paintings to people in the neighbourhood.
3. Don’t over-burden them with tuitions and extra classes. As a kid, I never took tuitions; I enjoyed studying on my own. In my free time, I read about the world in general, it helped me understand finance, business and life better. Children who are happy will fare better in the world of business and finance.
4. Teach your children to fear nothing as God is within them. Encourage them to ask questions, no matter how crazy these questions are. People who ask questions turn out to be the best investors and businessmen. I started investing when I was 16—because of asking questions.
5. Encourage them to make more friends, meet more people and play more games. The more people and friends they have, the better it is in the long run. People who are socially connected are more likely to succeed. The best doctors and businessmen are usually the ones who have the best social skills.

And lastly, smile and laugh more, as smiling is the best way to make the most of this wonderful life!

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