How to Transform Oneself With Mindfulness

Recognize unconscious patterns of thought and feeling

What you are is primarily a collection of habits and beliefs that shape your thoughts and actions. It follows then, that to bring about any meaningful transformation, you need to review your current habits and beliefs and eliminate the ones that lead you astray.

Now, a habit is the brain’s way of carrying out certain routine functions on autopilot so that you can focus on bigger tasks that require your conscious attention. Most of your daily activities such as brushing your teeth, showering, walking to the train station, or driving to your office is handled by the autopilot which mindlessly runs operations in the background while you’re involved in more important tasks such as solving life’s big challenges or experiencing new things. “Autopilot’s genius is its very mindlessness. Its quiet efficiency ensures that you have adequate mental capacity to meet challenges in professional and personal life,” says Caroline Arnold, author of Small Move, Big Change: Using Microresolutions to Transform Your Life Permanently.

But the problem is that your brain’s autopilot is not equipped to discern the good from the bad. As a result, you often end up engaging its capacities to develop undesirable programs — unconscious patterns — that become your prison.

“So, how do I break free from this prison?” you might ask.

Becoming aware is the first step

Mindfulness is an ancient but powerful practice that helps you detect where your autopilot is causing trouble and leading to unintended consequences.

Simply put, mindfulness is being fully aware of, and involved in, the present moment. By giving your full attention to whatever it is that you are engaged in, you ensure that the autopilot doesn’t take over and you don’t act out mindlessly. In time, the autopilot “unlearns” the self-defeating pattern and you successfully break the undesirable habit.

Take the example of habitual overeating, which is often a result of a “mindless program” that makes you disregard the satiety signal. The unconscious pattern could be the result of any number of factors including childhood trauma, poor self-image, a way of escaping an emotional issue, scarcity consciousness, and so on. Whatever the cause of the old habit, mindfulness helps you become aware of the pattern, thus helping you retrain your brain to recognize hunger and satiety cues so that you never overeat again. The same goes with the habit of smoking — once you are mindful, you don’t automatically reach out for a cigarette every time you feel bored or anxious. And knowing the health hazard of smoking, I bet there aren’t many who smoke consciously.

Of course, deeply ingrained patterns may need much more conscious effort on your part, but becoming aware of them is always the first and more important step towards becoming free of them.

Cultivate the practice of mindfulness

Before we move ahead, you ought to understand that you can’t be mindful in fragments. In other words, you need to cultivate a mindful disposition such that you remain highly alert, sensitive and aware in the present moment, no matter what you’re doing. In doing so, you will begin to overcome habits and thought patterns that are no longer serving you. Of course, the autopilot will still work efficiently—though it will now be restricted only to those activities and aspects that don’t need your conscious attention.

Becoming mindful can be hard, especially in the beginning. It brings to surface rather unpleasant aspects of you that you never knew existed. In fact, if you are being brutally honest, you may have shocking revelations about your tendencies and behavior, your long-held beliefs and thought-patterns. But once you get past that initial discomfort, it becomes easy for you to overcome your old undesirable patterns. With mindfulness, not only do you break up with your bad habits but you also begin to rediscover simple joys of everyday living; you find a richness of being that was previously inaccessible to you; you feel more alive and sensitive than ever. And most importantly, you don’t form new unconscious patterns.

Kick-start your journey to transform yourself

If the idea of living mindfully resonates with you, there are many wonderful resources available on the internet. Here’s one simple practice that can help you kick-start your journey to transform yourself through mindfulness: Set an alarm on your phone that goes off every 2 -3 hours to remind you to breath consciously. When the reminder comes, just stop whatever it is you’re doing and breathe slowly and deeply three times. This will not take more than a minute but it is a powerful technique to bring you back to here and now.

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Self-doubt makes you opt for misery even when joy is available to you. It fills you with emptiness when fulfillment is your birthright. And it fools you into favouring bondage over freedom. And Dr Davis can say this with authority because he’s been there, done that.

Overcoming self-doubt

In a moment of brutal honesty, this ex-convict made a difficult but pro-life choice of going back to study after leaving prison for the second time. It was during his college that he had a transformational realisation that made him begin to believe in his abilities for the first time. That was the turning point. “In 2006 only seven years after I walked off the yards at Corcoran state prison, I walked across the stage, and I was conferred my doctorate in clinical psychology,” he says in this talk at the Sacramento edition of TEDx.

Like Davis, you too can learn to overcome your self-doubt. Watch this hard-hitting talk presented in a gentle manner by a man who will make you believe in yourself.

About B J Davis

Dr. Davis is the Director of Strategies for Change, a substance abuse and mental health treatment agency. He is also the author of the movie “What is Recovery?”

In addition to his doctorate, Davis has a dual BA in philosophy and religion, and masters’ degrees in psychology and counseling. Aside from working at Strategies, he is a Professor in the Forensic and Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program and consultant to the Sacramento Aids Housing Alliance. It is his history that allows Dr. Davis to speak with authority. A recovering drug addict, Davis spent time in State and Federal prisons, until he found people who believed in him, then a reason to believe in himself. Rather than drugs he depended on praise, and used that to become a director, a doctor, and a mentor. He now uses his unique background in addiction, recovery, and counselling to encourage others to believe in themselves.

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Consider the trend of making New Year resolutions, which are broken within a few days of making them. Now, metaphysics tells you that just thinking in the right direction and opening yourself up to possibilities will allow the universe to provide you with what you need to realise your dream. What it doesn’t tell you is that while the universe is ready to provide, each of us is sitting in our cage of inertia, which makes us resist any change, however positive. You make a diet plan, an exercise plan, a plan to stop smoking, or a plan to learn a new skill. But, as soon as the initial enthusiasm wears out, you find yourself slipping back to the old, established ways. One extra helping today after being good for a month, one morning of sleeping in instead of going for a run, just one cigarette to take the edge off… the first excuse is always justified. And before you know it, you are back to your old ways, with a little more guilt and a promise to try better next year.

We are, in fact, addicted to inertia. Resistance to change is not a new concept. All teachers tell you that it’s the first step that is the most difficult. But guess what! The second, third and fourth steps are equally difficult. Once the novelty of a new plan wears out, inertia takes over and your plans grind to a halt. This is the moment of truth where you either decide to re-motivate yourself or let it slide away.

Give your inertia a form; picture it as an opposing entity that is stopping you from doing what you want

Breaking the addiction

Just like any other unwanted habit, addiction to inertia can also be broken. Here are some tips to help you win the fight.

1. Acknowledge the addiction

“I’m too stressed”, “There isn’t enough time”, “My head hurts”—the first time and every subsequent time that you make excuses, ask yourself, “Is it inertia?” Sometimes the reasons may be genuine. But most times, all you need to do is name the problem. Keep asking the question why? If your answer ultimately comes down to inertia, you know where the problem lies. Give your inertia a form; picture it as an opposing entity that is stopping you from doing what you want. Have you noticed how in sports, especially body contact sports, the opponents always acknowledge each other first? This is no different.

2. Absorb denial and blame

Denial and blame are frontline weapons of resistance. I like to picture them as boxing gloves on my opponent. “Just one more won’t hurt”, “He offered me a smoke”, “My run buddy didn’t wake me up on time”—these thoughts can pummel you relentlessly. The mental workout can wear you down till you feel the need for the comfort and turn to the very habit you are trying to break. Knowing how to take a punch can mean the difference between winning and losing. So “roll with the punches”, absorb the thoughts and let them flow into you. And then, let them go.

You might have lost a battle, but you will not lose the war—not until you give up on yourself

3. Go back to your why

This is the moment when you can either decide to go on fighting or give up; it is the peak of the climb. If you can crest this, you will win the fight. Remind yourself why you are doing this. Ask yourself what you would gain from this change. Face the alternative of what you would lose if you don’t change. Return to square one and repeat everything that motivated you to take up this change in the first place. Visualise the future, ask your supporters for help, stand tall on your convictions. Take that first step, again and again.

4. Celebrate your successes, accept your losses

If you succeeded, you beat inertia! This is a big deal. There is no bigger opponent to change. Each win provides the energy for more wins and tide you over your losses. If you lost, try again. So what if you lost this time? You gained more information about yourself and your opponent. Knowledge is power and persistence is the foundation of sustained change. You might have lost a battle, but you will not lose the war—not until you give up on yourself.

Persistence is the key

Inertia is a tough opponent, and a very patient one. It will look for opportunities to strike again and again. It will not be one big fight which will decide everything. It will be a series of small skirmishes that will keep hitting you when you are at your lowest. But just as resistance can wear you down, you too can wear it down by persisting. Over time, as its hold weakens, you will find yourself less and less in need of external motivation, because you would be now habituated to your new lifestyle. And one day, what was once a change will become a new and positive way of life.

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What is rebellion?

It’s not unthinkingly doing the opposite

One friend is married to a guy who continually lives by his own rules, but it’s rebellion for rebellion’s sake. He’ll go to a restaurant, get seated and then demand another table. He’s highly opinionated, but it’s without thought or consideration. He’s not a true rebel; he’s just annoying.

It’s not “teenage rebellion”

This is a more benign version of the guy above. Teens have a tendency to argue for argument’s sake. The parent says “black”; the teen says “white.” Not because white is correct or even their preference, but because it’s a safe way to engage in anti-parent rebellion.

It’s not just being “against” something

It is impossible to rebel when one only knows what one is against. A woman I knew had doctors for parents. They insisted she be one, too. However, she wanted to be a pianist. They refused to help, and bought her a microscope instead. So, as a teen, she “rebelled” against them by dropping out of high school and getting pregnant. Her next step was to become a secretary and to marry a guy her parents hated. When she came to me for advice, I suggested that all these actions were equivalent to thumbing her nose at her parents; it accomplishes nothing.

I asked her what she was for. She, no surprise, still wanted to be a pianist. We talked; she enrolled in a university to learn music, and became a pianist.

It is impossible to rebel when one only knows what one is against

The act of rebellion begins in the mind

1.  The first step is discovery

Societies prize compliance; the desire to follow the values they promote is embedded in us. Sadly, only about five per cent of the population questions their beliefs. That is why true rebellion is rare; pseudo-rebellion is prevalent, and going along to fit in is dominant. But let’s just say that you’re pulled to question your beliefs. Start by listing your basic beliefs. I call these things “rock beliefs” because they are foundational. Make a list of all of the foundational truths you believe—about yourself and about the world. A hint: think in broad categories. For example, think of people of different nationalities, creeds or races. What comes immediately to your mind? What are the “truths” you know about men, women, business or religion? Carry on from there.

2.  The second step is examination

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone [or a group] to help you examine your beliefs. It might be a therapist, a professor, a guru or a rōshi. I’ll use a therapist as an example. A good therapist will help you to challenge your belief system by asking you to examine where your beliefs lead. For example, you might say you want an excellent primary relationship, but have a core belief that women are subservient to men. That belief means you won’t allow a relationship between equals. The therapist will point the contradiction out to you, and ask you to choose. The therapist will not make the choice for you. This is important. For example, many students in college join a particular club and hear endless diatribes about what that group thinks is “wrong.” The student listens, has an emotional reaction, and ends up blindly swapping one set of beliefs for another. You have to choose for yourself. Examination requires patience and trust.

A good therapist will help you to challenge your belief system by asking you to examine where your beliefs lead

3.  The third step is trust

And the person you trust is you. As you start examining each of your beliefs, you will monitor yourself. You will notice both feelings and thoughts arising. The first feeling is often cold fear. You are challenging a deeply held belief—and this triggers the fear of ostracisation. This leads to your mind trying to come up with all of the reasons why you should leave things alone. When this happens, I urge you to persist. Just beneath these two knee-jerk reactions resides a wisdom voice. It will say: “This is who you will be, and how you will be, if you let go of that belief.” Trust that voice. It’s never wrong.

4. The fourth step is to expect external challenges

To continue the pianist’s story, the woman’s rebellion [at 28!] was met with her being cut off by her parents. Then mockery from her husband: “What makes you think you can do this?” It took courage to persevere. Challenges will come from the people and groups that instil or follow the old beliefs. If you change something that others believe can’t be changed, and you succeed, what does that say about them? So they want you to cut it out, and they will tell you they have your best interest at heart, but they don’t. They don’t want their own boat rocked, and believe that bad things will happen to them if you change. Change anyway.

5. The fifth step is to act

Having examined and shifted your beliefs, what could possibly be left to do? Obviously, the doing. An internal shift is nice but useless. True rebellion is active. The good news is that completing the first four steps means you’ve done more self-examination than the vast majority of your peers. The bad news is that most people stop just this side of changing the one thing they can—their behaviour. Complaining about the world does not change the world. Going to rallies and listening to speeches does not change the world. Signing online petitions does not change the world. Acting in keeping with your newly adopted beliefs changes your world. The pianist changed her world at her first public concert, and not a second before.

An internal shift is nice but useless. True rebellion is active

Be the change

Revisit the above points and find a way to be what you want to see. Describe to yourself what you believe and then ask, “How can I live out my belief in the real world?” This is integrity—your actions match what you say you believe in.

The society you and I come from is heavily invested in you behaving yourself, giving lip service to the status quo. And sadly, most of us do exactly that, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that the beliefs they hold so dearly are meaningless and useless. So do the work that is necessary to ruthlessly expunge from yourself what does not work, establish a personal belief system that counteracts the ineffective beliefs, and then passionately engage. Make a difference, and start with each of your interactions, because you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to transform your own world, one step at a time.

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Somehow, we believe all we must do is have enough money and everything else will fall into place. We believe that retirement means we will be on a perpetual vacation doing all the things we enjoy with no planning necessary to create a retirement state of mind.

Why retirement requires mental planning too

Recently I spoke to Natasha, a friend of mine, who retired with her husband. They left their jobs, sold their home and moved 2,500 miles to a retirement community, which boasted of restaurants, stores, theatres, golf courses, swimming pools, along with club houses for card games and art classes. There, the couple purchased a new home and relaxed and partied with new friends while they enjoyed the amenities. Then, Natasha confessed, they got bored.

As she related how they got tired of doing the same things every day with the same people, it reminded me of Robert Atchley’s study on the stages of retirement. Atchley, a professor of gerontology, identified six stages of retirement—disillusionment is one of them. To sum up his research, retirement is a major life transition where no matter how much we plan financially, we need to do a better job of planning for the emotional and psychological changes brought about by leaving our work lives behind. Mental health in retirement is just as important, if not more, than financial health.

With advances in nutrition and medical care, it is possible for many people to live another 20 to 30 years in retirement. The idea of 20 years of doing nothing but having fun may sound like, well, fun, but realistically it’s a formula for a boring life. Work provides many things that enhance our lives, such as challenge, structure to our days and, for most people, a social forum as co-workers and customers become friends. While the workplace may be a top source of stress for many people, it should come as no surprise when once we retire we miss the engagement with others at the office. In fact, the stress of our job is often replaced by other forms of stress, and sometimes even depression.

With advances in nutrition and medical care, it is possible for many people to live another 20 to 30 years in retirement

One change at a time

Like Natasha who moved 2,500 miles thinking she was going to retirement utopia, some people find themselves stressed over the choices they made. In her case, she left the retirement community, moved back to her old home town, bought another house in her old neighbourhood and took a part-time job as she realised how much she missed her work life, old friends and the community she’d been part of for 30 years. Moving is stressful at any time in life, whether it’s for a job transfer or for your retirement. And, as with Natasha’s example, when the initial euphoria of retiring is replaced by boredom, there is anxiety over deciding what to do next. Finding new meaning and purpose in life after retirement takes not only thought and introspection, but also a leap of faith.

Things that you need to keep in mind before you retire

1. For retirees, the number one stressor is money. Even if you form a solid financial plan with professional advice, once the pay cheque stops coming in, retirees often feel a tremendous amount of stress. No matter how many financial planners you talk to, there is no guarantee that your money will last your lifetime.
2. Then, there’s the spectre of health issues. We all know we will eventually have health issues, body parts will wear out and we won’t be able to do as much as we once did. Retirement age is often the time when health issues begin to surface. Even people who retire in excellent health find themselves worrying about potential health issues and, yes, the resulting strain on their finances. One way to remove some financial stress is setting up a funeral insurance plan before retirement. Finalizing your end-of-life plans and ensuring they are paid for during your senior planning allows you to remove one financial stressor from your list.
3. Then, there is this seldom-thought-of stressor. Retirees who are married often look forward to finally spending more time together, only to realise that after having spent decades apart all day in the workplace, co-habiting 24×7 is entirely too much time together.

Finding new meaning and purpose in life after retirement takes not only thought and introspection, but also a leap of faith

Steps to make the transition smooth

As you enter this potentially exciting time of life, minimising the stress, finding new purpose and meaning and making a successful transition requires advanced planning. Here are four steps to ensure that you are mentally prepared to make a smooth transition to retirement.

1. The first step is recognising there will be an adjustment period, the same way you have adjusted in the past to other major life events like getting married, having children, changing jobs, moving to a new locale or losing a loved one.  Retirement is also a major life event; once you acknowledge this fact, you will have an easier time adjusting than those who think there will be no ups and downs.
2. Talk to a counsellor, preferably one who specialises in mental health for older adults. Today, there are life coaches who specialise in retirement issues. Seek their advice just as you would a financial counsellor. Your plan for emotional and psychological stability is just as personal as your plan for financial stability. A counsellor can help you focus on what is best for you.
3. Think about the activities you will engage in during your retirement. 20 to 30 years is a long time, long enough for a second career after you’ve had some extended relaxation; long enough to take up and master a new hobby; long enough to make your dent in the universe through volunteer work. This is the time of life to reach for the stars, so become an explorer of yourself.
4. Plan on staying physically active as much as possible and engaging in activities that will keep you engaged with other people. Think about the timing of your exit from work in terms of your hobbies, travel plans and social commitments. If visiting places where it snows is your idea of a great retirement activity, winter is probably the perfect time to retire. But if you are a gardener, planning to start a fruit and vegetable garden in your compound, then you may want to wait for warm weather to arrive before making your exit. And, before you make a major change like selling your house and moving 2,500 miles, remember, by retiring, you are already involved in one major life change. So, try not to do everything at once.

This is the time of life to reach for the stars, so become an explorer of yourself

As human beings, we have an inner need to strive for something greater. That need doesn’t dissolve with retirement. We still look for meaning and purpose in our lives. The idea of spending decades doing the same ordinary business day after day instead of finding our true potential is like a slow death. Whether you are planning your retirement or are already in retirement, if you haven’t already done so, take steps now to ensure a healthy, fulfilling retirement state of mind.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Published by: Crown Business

ISBN: 978-0804141239

Pages: 272

Price: INR 1219

Face it: At some point in your life, you have set goals for changing certain behaviours in yourself, and failed to follow through to achieve the results you envisioned. Perhaps you wanted to be a better neighbour, or not raise your voices at your children—whatever it is, you are able to easily identify what you want to change about your behaviour, but somehow, are unable to effect the change. In Triggers, leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith takes a look at why most people find it difficult to change their behaviours as he offers practical suggestions to overcome the obstacles.

The book is laid out in four parts. In part one, “Why Don’t We Become the Person We Want to Be?”, the author explains that it is easy to find excuses and blame circumstances for our inability to change our behaviour. Our reactions are impulsive, not thoughtful. For those of you who have identified the behaviour you want to change, and are motivated, the author encourages you to find the triggers, both internal and external, that are holding you back.

In part two, “Try”, the author introduces the acronym AIWATT: Am I Willing, At This Time to make the investment required to make a positive difference on this topic? Every time you are faced with a choice to either engage or to “let it go”, the author encourages you to ask yourself the AIWATT question as a first principle to become the person you want to be. The answer to that question at the given time, under the given circumstances, will determine how you react to that situation, thereby helping you create the behavioural change you aspire.

In part three, “More Structure, Please”, you learn that structure not only increases your chances of success, it makes you more efficient at it. Not all structures are the same, so you must arrive at what works for you in the given situation. When you make a shopping list, you impose a structure by clearly stating what you need to buy and what you don’t. You schedule your appointments on your calendars and set reminders to impose structure on your daily life. Yet, when it comes to interpersonal interactions, or your own reactions, you prefer to wing it and go with your instincts, hindering your attempts at changing your behaviours in a thoughtful and structured way.

The author also points out that your environment constantly conspires against you and depletes you. Perhaps a big part of your day is pacifying irate customers, or perhaps you sit in a too-long meeting without accomplishing much, or you battle with technology all day to get even simple jobs done. All of this drains you, depletes you, leaving you prone to less prudent actions that you might regret.

The book suggests that there is an infinitesimal ‘space’ between a trigger and your reflexive response. If you can learn to recognise this space and increase it to allow for awareness and choice, you can learn to redirect your impulse to arrive at an appropriate response. When you transform your thoughtless impulsive response to a thoughtful chosen response, you begin to achieve the change you want.

In the last part, “No Regrets”, the author asks you to imagine what a drudgery it would be to go through life never changing the food you eat, the clothes you wear, the social and political views you hold. You know that change is the only constant thing in life. Yet, when it comes to changing how you treat people or how you interact with others, you wear the badge of changelessness with pride. You tell yourself: “This is who I am.”

When you cling to a negative behaviour that affects you and the ones you love, you are choosing to be miserable and make others miserable too. The book concludes by asking you to think about one change that you won’t regret later on. Be it the scolding response to your misbehaving child, or the sarcastic remark you are quick to blurt out—if you can change one thing and continue doing it forever without regretting it, now is the time to do it.

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It’s never the right time

“My dreams are huge so they will take time”

“Maybe someday, when I have saved up more money”

“After this happens or that…”

“This is so huge, nothing I do will make a difference”

Do your thoughts sound similar? Well, they used to be mine till I decided to change them. I used to wait for a particular outcome; I would yearn and pray for my life to improve. If only I wasn’t sick… it’ll be just another month till I get a salary hike… it’s holiday season now… I would make excuses. I’d get lost in my distractions and hope for a miracle, only to return to my reality of despair, heartbreak, divorce, guilt, shame, debt, pain, obesity and low self worth. I hit below rock bottom, in every area of my life. Physically, financially and emotionally, until I finally had an insight and saw the light! I realised that I chose my time.

Finding your message

What do you keep searching for? Is it a better relationship with your spouse, or being a better parent? Do you want to lose weight or do you want to live a more conscious life?

The truth is the truth, the recipe remains the same with a few modifications. That is why everyone is saying the same thing but in different ways. Think of it like a radio playing the same song but in different languages at different tempos by different artists. You can hear the song only if you tune into the station where the reception is most clear. Then it is up to you if you want to just listen, or sway with the music, or stand up and sing and dance with all your energy.

I have found that consuming more literature or attending seminars about the topic will not help you change your life. The message is the same. But you need to use it, practise it and make it a habit.

Decision-making doesn’t come easy

I was an obese child and never participated in any sports while growing up. I used various ruses to escape physical training sessions in school and never learnt to swim. I was always embarrassed of my fat thighs and wobbling belly so I did not want to be seen in shorts. It was only about five years ago that I decided to shed that extra weight and started exercising properly for the first time in my life.

I had to be willing to unlearn my old eating habits and defend my weight loss regime to people who were against it. Through the decades I had tried to lose weight many times and failed. But then I kept trying and finally, at 38, I succeeded. Had I allowed my previous attempts to hold me back, I wouldn’t be in shape to do the 200-hour Yoga Teacher’s training course I’m currently enrolled in. And I had never done yoga until six months ago. It is not easy and I am still learning. It requires great discipline, but I know that exercise, wellbeing and healing has become a vital part of my life and who I am, so I am giving it all I have.

Self-transformation starts with a decision

Think about which part of your life you want to change. Out of all the many things that come back, decide on any one thing that you would want to change in the immediate future. Only one thing.

If there is nothing you want to change, then this is the time for you to accept with gratitude the joyful life you already live. But if that were so, you would not be reading this.

From my experience, lack of clarity is the  biggest de-motivating factor on the planet. On the flip side, when you have a clear vision of what you want, you wake up feeling excited and enthusiastic, knowing exactly what to do.

Focus also comes from clarity. Often it takes just one area of your life to shift for your entire life to transform. The joy and excitement you feel after pursuing one of your big dreams will spread into all areas of your life. When you have a clear vision of what you want, you remain courageous in spite of fears and obstacles.

What postpones the completion of your goals is not lack of time, resources, the economy, luck, karma or any of that stuff—it is your own unwillingness to make the decision.

Jump off the fence

It does not take attending dozens of workshops, or reading scores of self-help books to transform your reality—it takes an instant. The time will never be just right, things will never line up perfectly. Take ownership and responsibility for your life. Remember every no is a yes to something else.

Think of the various small and big ways in which your life will change now that you have made this decision and start feeling it. Embody it, breathe it in and exude it in your energy and aura. Be the you after that decision.

Next comes a public declaration

The reason we do not declare our decisions is that we doubt whether we can actually accomplish them and are afraid of failing in front of others.

These are a few suggestions to make in your decision statements.

1. Decide to eliminate the word ‘try’ from your life, Say “I will” or “I won’t” [this will exercise your deciding muscles].
2. Also eliminate ‘shoulds’ from your life. We do things because we want to do them, because the consequences of not doing them are unbearable, so why not just rephrase it with “I want to”.
3. Since you already know your message, the most important thing you need to do for it to start working is for you to commit to a habit of growth.

Once you have done this, the only other thing to do is to trust and to allow the event to unfold.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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You can answer this question for yourself simply by examining your self-improvement objectives. If your goal is to lose weight, is it because you woke up 5kg overweight this morning? More likely you woke up 15 grams overweight on many mornings [around 333 mornings, to be exact]. Did the overflowing pile on your desk materialise in an instant, or did it creep up one razor-thin paper at a time? Did your relationship sour due to a single, epic argument, or did small gestures of disrespect and discontent slowly creep into your daily interactions? Did you fail to complete a top priority at work because you deliberately ignored it day after day, or did a hundred small distractions keep you from ever gaining traction?

It’s the margins that matter

Once you acknowledge the power of small actions to create a negative effect, it’s easy to understand how just one behavioural change can create a positive trend with lasting results. The truth that I discovered for myself and wrote about in my book Small Move, Big Change is that the real action in personal development happens at the margin of our behaviour, what I sometimes call the vital margin. While it’s heartening to believe that we can transform ourselves from the inside out with a single decree-to-self to become fit, slender, organised, on time, thrifty or clutter free, the real traction in personal development comes from targeting marginal behavioural changes and practising them until they stick. In self-improvement, it’s working the margin that gives you the edge.

Let’s take a simple example of how a small move can lead to a big change in a classic self-improvement area: diet. Dropping pounds weighs in at number one on the global list of New Year’s resolutions, a midnight pledge that often leads to a crash diet which itself crashes after a only a week or two of effort. As an alternative to taking such drastic actions, what might the benefits be of making a microresolution not to eat after dinner?

• Fewer calories consumed
• Better sleep [smaller digestive load]
• Earlier bedtime [because food acts as a stimulant]
• Better hormonal balance [because the key hormones that regulate appetite and satiation require 7.7 hours of sleep]
• Increased appetite for breakfast [the most important meal of the day].

As if that weren’t enough, a new study ^[1] conducted by the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in San Diego, and published in Cell, demonstrates that restricting food consumption to a 12-hour period creates the conditions for maintaining a trim profile. The study found that rats whose eating was limited to 12-hour time span were leaner and healthier than rats fed the same number of calories without time restrictions. Rats that got fat eating around the clock lost weight when they were switched to the restricted hour regime. This is just the latest piece of research demonstrating that when you eat can be as important as what you eat, and that a change at the margin can have a big impact.

New weight loss models reinforce that trimming calories at the margin of your daily diets can have a major impact on weight loss.  For every 100 calories you eliminate [that extra piece of bread, half cup of rice, a cookie], you’ll lose ten pounds over three years, five in the first year. The key to lasting weight loss is identifying routine eating behaviours that can be modified to achieve a sustainable reduction in calories. Do you eat while cooking? While clearing up? Do you accompany every beer with a hefty snack? Just one or two adjustments to your eating routine can reverse an upward weight trend. After years of desperate dieting with no long-term results, I began targeting small behavioural changes through microresolutions and lost 22 pounds in about 14 months [and kept it off]. My very first microresolution: never to eat a conference room cookie again.

When you eat can be as important as what you eat, and that a change at the margin can have a big impact

The role of routine

Understanding the role routine plays in your life is critical for success in self-improvement. Most of your daily activity is managed by a kind of personal autopilot, operating mindlessly in the background while you’re thinking big thoughts, solving problems, and experiencing new things. You don’t have to concentrate to tie your shoes, lock the front door, or navigate to the bus stop—autopilot does that for you. But autopilot also snags that last sweet left by the coffee machine, skips the gym and snaps at a loved one. Learning how to re-engineer an autopilot routine to your advantage is the key to sustainable self-improvement.

Autopilot’s genius is its very mindlessness. Its quiet efficiency ensures that you have adequate mental capacity to meet challenges in professional and personal life. The precious commodity we call willpower is widely misunderstood to be a facet of personality, and we often accuse ourselves of being weak in character when we fail to keep our resolutions. But willpower is actually a neurological function, part of a limited pool of mental resources that also includes decision-making and active initiative. Whenever you exercise willpower, make decisions, or initiate action you are making debits against this scarce resource.

Reforming autopilot means shifting behaviours that are operating mindlessly in the background to the foreground where they require conscious effort. The grander your personal makeover plan, the more behaviours you must move from mindless to mindful, from easy to effortful. Most New Year’s resolutions are so ambitious that they are a virtual declaration of war on autopilot. Dozens of behaviours you would normally pay no attention to must now be consciously managed. The effort of enforcing all this behaviour change is emotionally stressful and mentally expensive. This is why over 90 per cent of New Year’s resolutions end in defeat—willpower is generally no match for autopilot.

But once you understand the dynamics governing personal change, you can leverage them to your advantage. By narrowly targeting a behavioural shift, you can conserve enough willpower to sustain your new routine until it becomes habit. That new behaviour will support you for a lifetime with hardly a conscious thought once it works itself into autopilot. The genius of a microresolution is that it creates mindfulness around a behaviour pattern in order for that behaviour to ultimately become mindless autopilot.

Learning how to re-engineer an autopilot routine to your advantage is the key to sustainable self-improvement

The rules of microresolutions

So, what’s the first step in making a microresolution? Begin by examining a routine in an area of your life that you’d like to improve and zero in on a single behaviour change that you believe will have an impact and be sustainable. Then craft your microresolution according to the rules below, and off you go!

Rule 1 – Don’t make resolutions you can’t keep — A microresolution is easy

A microresolution is a resolution you absolutely have the power to keep—a no excuses resolution. Resist that fatal impulse to go for broke and stretch your commitment to the breaking point; instead focus your microresolution on a reasonable behavioural change you are sure you can sustain.

Let’s take the general goal to be fit as a starting point. If you decide that a good way to increase your fitness level is by walking more and you don’t walk much now, suddenly resolving to walk to work every day wouldn’t be reasonable or realistic. Instead, commit to walking just one day [or walking half the way, or parking your car in the furthest reaches of the lot]. Your microresolution should represent a small change to your routine as it exists today, rather than what you hope your routine will become tomorrow. Your aim should be to master a simple behavioural change that will improve your fitness at the margin.

Feel like walking more than one day this week? Go ahead! A microresolution doesn’t limit what you may do, only what you commit to do. I started out with a microresolution to walk one day a week and now I walk every single day unless something major intervenes. Walking has now become my preference, but I began by forcing myself to walk just once a week. Had I begun with a resolution to walk every day, I would have failed.

One striking example of a limited resolution with big results came from Greta, who was one of the many friends and colleagues who contributed their microresolution success stories to Small Move, Big Change. Greta was a hard worker, very skilled and conscientious, but if she had to work late, was under pressure, had to pick up the slack for an absent employee, or had to miss lunch, she complained about it. Greta wasn’t a person of ill will; her complaints were mostly a misguided attempt to create a kind of camaraderie among co-workers by blowing off steam together.

Your aim should be to master a simple behavioural change that will improve your fitness at the margin

After Greta received feedback that she wasn’t being promoted to a more senior spot because her negative attitude wasn’t right for a leadership position, Greta was shocked. Her first impulse was to feel that she had been unfairly treated, but looking back over her work history, she could see a pattern in her attitude and behaviour and she set about creating a microresolution that would limit her lifelong habit of complaining. Mindful of Rule #1, Greta pledged not to be the first to complain about a work issue, a resolution limited enough that she thought she could maintain it. The very first day after making her resolution, something happened at the office that Greta thought would surely spark complaint. Abiding by her resolution, Greta made no comment and instead waited eagerly for someone else to bitch. She recalls, “I thought to myself, ‘Here it comes, here it comes—wait for it’ and nothing happened. No one said a thing.” It was days before anyone voiced a mild complaint on a different topic. “It was me,” Greta said, “I never realised that I was at the core of the complaining; it seemed to be a shared thing. But when I stopped taking the lead, most of it died off.”

The key to Greta’s success was limiting her resolution; had she pledged never to complain again, she would have failed. By resolving merely “not to be the first” to complain at work, she gave herself a chance to experience a slight difference in behaviour, rather than taking on a complete change of personality. And her targeted resolution turned out to be more revealing than she could have ever anticipated. Four years after her resolution Greta is not complaint-free, but she tells me that, more and more, she sees the glass as half full, rather than half empty, and recently bemoaned the fact that she now works with someone who is a non-stop complainer.

In making your resolution, expect that what you think is easy may turn out to be harder than you think. Any change to autopilot causes stress and a strong impulse to revert to comfortable routines. At this critical moment of taking on your very first microresolution, don’t overreach—prove to yourself that you can succeed by keeping your microresolution limited, reasonable and easy.

A microresolution doesn’t limit what you may do, only what you commit to do

Rule 2 – A Microresolution is an explicit and measurable action

A microresolution is something you commit to do, not something you commit to be. The action of your resolution should be absolute, explicit, and measurable. Resolutions “to exercise more,” “to snack less,” or “to be nicer to my partner” are worthless. These are abstract goals, not actions, and they can’t be measured in real-time. A measurable microresolution is a pledge to take a specific action in a specific circumstance.

Let’s return to walk to work one day a week. Walking one day is reasonable and limited according to Rule #1, but it’s not explicit. Exactly which day are you going to walk to work? Unless a specific day and time are part of your resolution, you’re going to have to decide every day whether or not today is micoresolution day. Got up a bit late? Okay, walk tomorrow. Raining unexpectedly? Okay, walk tomorrow. Stayed up late and feeling weary? Okay, walk tomorrow. This is how we bargain ourselves out of our resolutions, constantly deferring or reformulating our commitments until they dissolve entirely. Every one of these bargaining sessions draws on decision-making, a debit against that scarce mental resource pool that includes the willpower you need to effect change. Making it up as you go along is mentally exhausting—just pick a day and time and stick to it. The magic of this rigour is that you’ll find yourself managing obstacles out of your way rather than looking to excuse yourself. If today’s the day, then today’s the day!

Not every microresolution is cued by a day or time. If you’re working on not being defensive, for example, and you’ve decided to respond to unwanted feedback by saying, “I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this, I’m going to give it some thought,” the cue for your resolution could come at you at any time. And if you are a highly defensive person, you’ll find you have too many cues to process. So be selective in identifying your cue, perhaps narrowing your resolution to respond only to a cue from a parent, a partner, or a boss. If you practise your response relentlessly in one circumstance, over time you’ll find yourself less defensive in every circumstance, but keep your focus tight when you first begin.

A microresolution is something you commit to do, not something you commit to be

Rule 3: A Microresolution pays off upfront

One of the self-defeating aspects of the New Year’s resolution is that it is generally a someday proposition. When you resolve at the New Year “to be organised,” each day that you’re not absolutely organised you’re failing, so your resolution’s payoff is projected into the future— you will be organised, someday. But constantly deprecating what can be realistically achieved today in favour of a fantasy tomorrow only cheats you out of the progress you could make today. A microresolution is focused on a clear benefit that can take root today.

What is the immediate reward of a microresolution not to say I told you so to your partner? Well, if telling your partner I told you so creates friction, then it stands to reason that if you manage to refrain from crowing over your petty victory, you will eliminate that friction. Will it fix everything that is wrong with your relationship? Probably not, but it will deliver a real benefit the very first time you resist the impulse to score points at your partner’s expense.

Likewise, a resolution to hang up my coat when I come home delivers its benefit as soon as the action is complete—your coat is in the closet rather than rebuking you from a chair. Are there longer-term benefits to putting your coat away as soon as you come home? Absolutely! After many weeks of immediately putting your coat in the closet, you might find yourself hanging up your work clothes instead of dropping them onto the bedroom chair, because your coat routine has established a pattern in autopilot that is now organising other behaviours. It might even occur to you that a paper is as easily filed as added to a pile. But when you embark on your microresolution, your focus should be on the immediate benefit you’re going to receive, rather than anticipating rewards in the future.

Rule 4: A Microresolution is personal

A microresolution succeeds because it is designed explicitly by you and for you, based on a personal routine you practise today. One-size-fits-all resolutions such as to be on time ultimately break down into a set of behavioural changes specific to an individual. Are you late because you can’t find your keys? Transit card or gas tank empty? Did your kid forget to print out his homework until the last minute? Missing a button on your shirt? Can’t find directions to your first appointment of day? Each person who struggles with morning lateness will make different microresolutions based on their personal behaviour. Fixing a personal routine is very like debugging a computer program—you need to analyse where the routine is failing to perform and then target behavioural bugs until it runs smoothly.

Brian and Dorrie, parents and academics, were to put it delicately, neatness challenged. Each had their own study, but their studies were so full of books and papers that both often worked in the living and room. At any given moment, books, papers, and laptops littered the couch and coffee table, briefcases were splayed open on the floor, and piles of books mixed with newspapers and colouring books on the floor and side tables. Hosting any social event at home meant a major cleanup, and drop-in visitors provoked scrambling and apologies.

Brian and Dorrie’s first neatness microresolution was a joint one, aimed strictly at containment: zero tolerance for briefcases, books and papers left in the living room. It was okay to read and study in the shared space, but as soon as work was finished or interrupted, the books and papers had to be put back into the studies. This rule was strictly enforced even if the interruption was dinner and study was going to resume afterwards. Dorrie and Brian’s daughter also had to return toys and colouring books to her bedroom as soon as she left the living room. While the studies and bedrooms remained messy, the living room became an oasis of order in an otherwise chaotic household. Best of all, Dorrie and Brian were able to invite people over spontaneously without fear that a guest would have to navigate a minefield of books and toys or get speared by a pair of child’s scissors left on the couch. Unlike the popular resolution, “to keep the house neat,” that fails for most of us, Dorrie and Brian’s microresolution succeeded because it was designed to work for their lifestyle and habits.

A microresolution succeeds because it is designed explicitly by you and for you, based on a personal routine you practise today

It’s amazing what you learn about yourself when you disrupt an autopilot routine. A recent microresolution of mine was to reread my email prior to sending if I was disagreeing with anyone on the thread. I discovered through this microresolution that the dashed-off emails I had thought were tempered and respectful sounded curt or dismissive when I reread them. Making one or two simple changes—such as asking a question rather than making a statement, or saying “we” instead of “I”—made a big difference in the tone of the message and people’s subsequent willingness to engage. My experience with the email resolution made me more aware in general of how a well-intended communication can go awry when one is under pressure. This change in behaviour reinforced for me how every microresolution is an adventure in self-discovery.

How many microresolutions should I make at once?

To ensure success every time you commit to self-improvement, make no more than two microresolutions at a time and keep them for four to six weeks before moving on to new ones. Your microresolution won’t be true autopilot by then [that will take months], but it should feel pretty solid before you queue up the next one. Some microresolutions take hold more slowly because they are modifying a behaviour with very deep roots.

My microresolution to savour my food and drink [reframed from my yucky initial resolution to chew my food slowly] took many weeks, but it created an eating mindfulness in me that proved profound and also exposed my unconscious autopilot attitude that I must “finish first” even when it was counterproductive. Stick with your resolutions until they stick, don’t be in a rush to move on too quickly—practice makes permanent. If you make microresolutions two at a time and keep them for an average of five weeks before taking on new ones, you’ll make 20 permanent behavioural changes a year, and that’s huge.

Stick with your resolutions until they stick, don’t be in a rush to move on too quickly—practice makes permanent

The Magic Rose Geranium

There’s a children’s story called “The Magic Rose Geranium” which was a great favourite of mine as a child; my mother bought it to keep me occupied on a trip to the supermarket. It’s the story of a woman who lives in a cluttered, shabby house with an unkempt yard. The woman is depressed by her surroundings but when she looks around at all there is to do, she feels overwhelmed and never makes a start. One day a friend comes to visit and makes her a gift of a rose geranium plant. The plant looks so bright and cheerful on the kitchen table that it highlights the table’s poor appearance—so the woman paints it. The smart coat of paint on her table sets in relief the stained rug underneath it—so the woman cleans it. Now the woman sees that the centre of the kitchen looks spiffy, but that the cupboards are looming dingily—so she scrubs them clean, and so it goes, until the entire house, yard, and the woman herself are transformed from shabby to ship-shape.

When the woman’s friend comes to visit again, she is shocked by the transformation she encounters and asks her friend what happened. “It’s all due to that magic rose geranium you gifted me!” That’s exactly how microresolutions work. Successfully building a new behaviour creates momentum, can-do energy, and fresh inspiration until you find yourself in a state of continuous self-improvement.

Small is powerful in the modern era

We live in the age of the small and powerful, where micro computer chips, tablets, iPods, smart phones and apps drive productivity at work and at home. Micro-financing is eliminating poverty one family at a time. Nanotechnology is revolutionising medicine. Critical communications arrive in 140-character tweets, hitting global distribution lists in microseconds. These tools are targeted, designed to fill a specific need exactly and deliver value immediately. So it is with microresolutions—each is designed to hit a specific personal-improvement target exactly and deliver benefits immediately.

The fireworks of New Year’s fizzle out, but your season of beginnings is whenever you start afresh. Plant just one small seed of change and discover the difference it can make today, and for many seasons to come.

^{[1] http://www.cell.com/cell-metabolism/abstract/S1550-4131%2814%2900498-7↩}

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You might have seen a cartoon doing the rounds of social media in which a man on the podium, a leader of sorts, is asking the audience, “Who wants change?” and everyone’s hands go up, faces all bright and eager. In the next frame, the leader asks, “Who wants to change? This time, no hands come up, faces all sullen. If you identify with this audience, you are not alone. It’s the story of our lives—we want the world to change but are not ready to change ourselves. Like Mark Twain once quipped, “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”

The truth is, many of us do want to change, but still don’t. We have noble intentions to give up our self-defeating habits, to change our unhelpful attitudes and inculcate more productive behavioural patterns. But intention without action is only a mental abstraction. Rhyming apart, why do we resist action even when we know it’s good for us? The reason is lack of faith—in our ability to do what it takes. And this lack of faith, in turn, is due to the way we approach change—in leaps. Such an approach is designed to fail, as it almost always does. We start off highly motivated but are soon overcome by the old patterns. Mary Shelley, author of the gothic novel Frankenstein, would have been familiar with this very human tendency, when she remarked, “Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”

The best way to change, it turns out, is to start small. If we commit to just one small change, we could achieve results beyond imagination, says Caroline Arnold, the author of our cover story this month. Introducing a technique she calls microresolution, Caroline reveals to us the surprising power of small changes. She tells us how the real action in personal development happens at the margin of our behaviour. “While it’s heartening to believe that we can transform ourselves from the inside out with a single decree-to-self to become fit, slender, organised, on time, thrifty, or clutter free, the real traction in personal development comes from targeting marginal behavioural changes and practising them until they stick. In self-improvement, it’s working the margin that gives you the edge,” she writes.

Using examples of fitness, relationships and workplace, Caroline demonstrates the power of microresolutions in bringing about those much desired and long overdue changes we have been intending. She also puts forth four rules that will help you make, and carry out, your microresolutions so that you begin to see instant and tangible results.

Once you understand the power of small changes, you will never again find change daunting. Then, little by little, you can change everything that is not working for you, to finally build the life of your dreams. You can start by reading the full story here now.

Happy changing!

The post June 2015 issue: Break that pattern; change what’s not working for you appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.