Managing significant losses in our life can be a full-time occupation for a period of time, and we need to give it our full attention. The following five stages are not linear but cyclic. The grief of a heartbreak comes in waves but, with good awareness and self-care, we can become more resilient, more caring and loving for the future, knowing that the pain will lessen.

Let’s look at the five stages that one goes through while dealing with a heartbreak:

5 Stages of Overcoming a Heartbreak

Stage one: Grieving

1. A heartbreak is a difficult experience, so allow yourself to cry (yes, even if you’re a man!); tears heal
2. Exercise and move your body. It shifts stuck energy and creates endorphins in the brain that make us feel better. Even gentle exercise brings oxygen to the brain that improves our ability to see things clearly. While it’s normal when sad to want to stay in bed and sleep all day, make an effort to get up and get out
3. Spend time with good friends who will hug you and feed you nourishing food. You might want to avoid being alone for a while
4. Communicate, talk it out, particularly with a therapist. You need someone who will really listen, and not interrupt or just wait to tell you their own experience of a heartbreak experience, or minimise it, offer sympathy that makes you feel worse, or false cheeriness as in “think of all the good things you’ve got!” Don’t expect friends to be your therapists.

Stage two: Reflection

1. Have you experienced many previous losses? Unresolved grief can accumulate and become more painful. If you’ve never experienced this level of pain before, some of these coping skills are needed.
2. Identifying disappointments will help to point to our unrealistic expectations. Were we deceived or did we deceive ourselves? Or both? Did we not see clearly who the other really was?
3. In retrospect, we can see what we may have not seen, or blinded ourselves to, and be wiser for the future.
4. Avoid the trap of beating yourself up. It’s not fair to blame yourself for not knowing then what you now know. Taking responsibility not to be deceived in the future, however, is essential, and it’s very different from blame.

Stage three: Managing loss

1. This involves taking responsibility for our own emotions. No one can make us feel anything without our (unconscious) agreement. We cannot change what has happened, but we can choose how we respond
2. Avoid negative coping styles such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour or chronic distractions. Plan activities that are nurturing and enjoyable instead
3. Take time off if you can. Avoid burying yourself in work to distract yourself. If you have to work and/or have commitments to care for others, make sure you also allow time out to let yourself feel, to work through the process
4. Go away, if only for a short time. Scenery that does not trigger painful memories is helpful to the healing process. If you can’t leave, maybe you could change your furniture around or repaint the walls. Create a difference in your living space, to lay down new memories and new feelings.
5. You might consider a change in appearance—a new haircut or a change in wardrobe. It’s remarkable how different we can feel when we have a new look.

Stage four: Healing

1. Work out what you need and find ways to give this to yourself
2. Whenever you feel resentment, it’s likely because there’s something you really don’t want. Give yourself the choice of not agreeing to what you don’t want to do. You’ll be pleased with yourself for looking after your “self”. Resolve to give what you want to give to others only from a full heart and with complete agreement instead of grudgingly. This might mean adjusting from the compliance of “always being nice” to being decisive and assertive, while still being polite
3. Practise being in the present. Save pondering the past for therapy sessions, and leave it there, while you get on with what needs to to be done in your life now. It’s important to realise that until past issues have been resolved, we can be frequently triggered by seemingly trivial situations in the present, and react in a way that’s out of proportion. It’s an indication that we need to look at what is really being triggered. For example, Jana’s fury at the lack of consideration shown by a work colleague preoccupied her for days. In therapy, she realised this incident had evoked her resentment of the lack of consideration and appreciation shown by her ex-partner, and before that, by her father. As a child she’d felt helpless when disregarded, particularly when she herself behaved considerately. Once this was put into perspective, Jana was able to see that as an adult she was able to communicate more assertively and effectively. This realisation changed her childhood conditioned habit of accepting others’ values when they imposed on her own, to valuing herself as an equal. Her next relationship was more reciprocal, and Jana was much happier with both herself and her new partner, as well as being more valued at work.

Stage five: A new relationship?

1. Make the list. It’s a sign the grieving process is over when we realise we’re looking to the future and a possible new relationship. However, to avoid old mistakes, make a list of all the qualities you want in your ideal mate in the first of three columns down a page. Examples include: ‘kind’; ‘emotionally available’; ‘monogamous’; ‘in touch with emotions and able to express them’; ‘good communicator’; ‘financially stable’; ‘a considerate lover’ and so on. Then, down the middle column of your page, rate yourself on a scale of 0–10 on each of these qualities. Be honest and fair. If in any of these qualities you rate yourself 7/10 or less, resolve that you need to work on yourself on these. The reason is we need to feel equal to our partner, and if they are, say, 10 on some quality while we rate ourselves as 4/10, we might not feel we deserve them, and might unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Give yourself some time to work on what you’d like to improve. Six months to a year is not an unreasonable amount of time for this. When a prospective new partner arrives, see how well you can tick off the boxes. Don’t accept anything less than a great match
2. Make sure you’re ready. A relationship on the rebound, when we’re still smarting, angry, needy or in pain, is not likely to last. Ask yourself: Can you be comfortably alone with yourself? Can you fill your time with activities that are restful, emotionally nourishing or mentally stimulating? If you answered yes, congratulations, you have overcome your heartbreak. You are now ready to bring far more acceptance and love to a relationship, and appreciate what your partner brings, too.

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It’s a myth that everything should stay blissful in a relationship, and it’s normal to go through ups and downs. Nevertheless, sometimes we regain happiness by working on our relationship, and sometimes we need to leave it in order to be happy again. There are relationships where the partners are not compatible, one person’s needs are not being met or one person has to compromise much more to meet the other person’s needs. Although I have seen many couples work out their problems in couple’s therapy, some relationships are just not a good fit, and some are too toxic due to addictions, verbal or physical abuse, an unhealthy lifestyle, a lack of understanding and blaming. Relationship issues can be solved as long as the partner recognises and admits to having a problem, is willing to work on it, and takes actions toward positive change. Otherwise, it will stay the same or possibly even get worse.

Why do we stay?

Although, looking at a relationship from the outside, we might think it would be easy to leave if we were in a bad relationship, unfortunately this is not so. Some people are afraid to be alone, others worry about what society might think if they are single or divorced, and some are financially dependent on their partners. Another reason why it a breakup might be hard is the fear that everyone will think there must be something wrong with you because your partner behaves normally in public and only acts out privately.

We also tend to see our partner’s potential and yearn to help the other person become who he or she could be. Or we still have hopes of returning to happier times in the relationship. We have heard that even healthy relationships can be hard, so we don’t want to give up if the relationship can still be saved; on the other hand, we don’t know when to stop.

Angela [name changed] was in a verbally abusive relationship in which she was constantly yelled at. Her husband persistently belittled her and didn’t listen to her. When I asked her why she didn’t leave, she explained, “I’m like a frog in warm water. A frog jumps out as soon as it learns it has jumped into hot water, but if the water gets gradually hotter, it gets used to it and won’t jump out—and it dies.”

Sometimes we don’t realise how bad our relationship is until we read about a similar relationship, or we are already out of the situation, or someone tells us from an outsider’s perspective what’s really going on. That was the case for Angela. Once she read Patricia Evans’s book titled The Verbally Abusive Relationship and talked to her on the phone, she understood the dynamic of her marriage and came to therapy to find the strength and self-esteem to leave. Usually, as a bad relationship goes on, our self-esteem declines to the point where we might need to seek some help to rebuild it.

Why breakup becomes necessary

An environment that is too stressful and not nurturing or loving enough can cause depression and anxiety, as well as illness and chronic pain. In his book The Honeymoon Effect: The Science of Creating Heaven on Earth, Bruce Lipton mentions that cells are shaped by their environment. He points out scientific experiments have shown that cells grow when love hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine enter the bloodstream. But when we produce stress hormones, the cells stop growing. Therefore, we need to make sure that we create the best environment possible for our self-care.

How to regain happiness

Happiness is about choosing to take a different direction when you find that you are on the wrong path. After Angela left her husband, she expressed, “Eventually I broke out of it, because it wasn’t a place where I could spend my life and I couldn’t fix it. Nor could I get him to fix it.” She continued, “I’m happier right now than I ever was.” Seeking out the right support system from friends, family, or a therapist helps you with your journey.

Our subconscious beliefs create a large part of how we live our lives, so when you change your subconscious beliefs, you change your life too. Many methods are available to help you to change your subconscious beliefs, including Emotional Freedom Technique [EFT], PSYCH-K [Psychological Kinesiology] and Instant Emotional Healing. You have the power to be happy again, even if you can’t see that right now. When you shift your thinking and believe that you can be happy, when you focus on loving relationships and what you want, you’ll begin to attract what you want.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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4 Big Myths About Divorce That Will Surprise You

Myth #1 Once you are divorced, you will get along with your partner

Many people expect that their ex will suddenly understand them or respond to them the way they always wanted them to. That is far from true. The fact is that you got divorced because you couldn’t get along and make it work in the first place. Ending your marriage or your relationship won’t change that. The reality is that the anger that led to your divorce can get more intense during the process, making your interactions even more heated. In fact, taking the steps towards ending your union can turn into a continuation of sharing exactly the same feelings you did in your marriage, but you are now attached to different and often more difficult issues. Try to keep in mind that your relationship status has changed but the person you were with in that relationship hasn’t. They will continue to act in the way they always did.

Now that you are out of the relationship, try to do the opposite of what I would tell you if you were still in one: move from the ‘we’ to the ‘me.’ Of course, your goal is not to become your ex’s enemy, but now that you have pulled away from each other, you have to begin to accept that and stop wishing you can change the relationship for the better. Remember that it is no longer necessary for your ex to understand or agree with your needs or your way of thinking. And it is no longer reasonable that you want your ex to give you the emotional support he or she once did.

To get through your divorce and move to higher ground really means letting go of the hope that you and your partner will finally be able to relate to each other in a positive and thoughtful way. If you couldn’t do that when you were married, there is no reason to think you will be able to do that now.

Myth #2 Once you’ve made the decision to end things it will truly be over

Breaking up is a long road full of ups and downs and second guesses. Oftentimes, it means letting go of the vision of your life that you once had with your spouse and, if you have children, as a family unit. That is very hard to do; so people often remain in contact, even keeping up some of the old habits like turning to an ex for support when they have a leaky roof or need help with a sick kid. Try to fight against that urge and instead put new support systems in place separate from your ex so you have someone else to go to right away if you need help.

What I always say is that divorce often ends legally well before it ends emotionally. So when we start a life together, and believe that the connection will last forever, sometimes we aren’t that far off. Unfortunately, in this case, it can end up holding you back from moving forward. In order to stop that from happening, try to define your world the way it is now, single and separate. That takes time, work and effort. To really be able to do that you have to work to tie up loose ends and eventually let go. Divorce is all about giving up your past as you have known it in order to create a new future. Adding to how daunting that can be is the fact that you are now doing it alone.

Myth #3 Now that you are divorced you will no longer be sexually attracted to each other

In fact, sometimes people are quite surprised that right after a break-up becomes official, the sexual attraction they used to have not only does not go away but becomes rekindled. They might even find themselves being sexually intimate with each other. The likelihood of this is greater if the separation happened suddenly—either through a discovered infidelity or betrayal. In that case the sexual energy can become dormant because of the anger between you. Once things are clearly over and settled, that sexual energy, which was never extinguished but had just been buried, can come to the surface and reignite.

Myth #4 That your ex’s new partner is getting the better deal, walking away with your ex after you’ve done all the hard work to make him or her a better person

This is a common fallacy—the idea that your former partner is now thriving and doing well in the new union. While that might be how it looks, the truth is you ended your relationship with that person for a reason. You had irreconcilable differences and had to deal with behavior that made it impossible for you to stay together. Just because you are no longer with that person does not mean he or she doesn’t still have that problematic behavior. The only difference most of the time is that someone else is dealing with it. It is likely that those issues that came up when you were together still rise to the surface and continue to cause conflict in the next relationship. Unless your ex has done some real soul searching and changed his or her ways, those things don’t easily go away. Their new connection might look perfect, but if you had a chance to really see inside you would discover that it is not any better than what you shared together. Knowing this can help you feel relief and be glad that you are no longer dealing with it all.

Summing Up

There are no hard and fast rules about ending a relationship, each one is different. No wonder there are so many myths intertwined with the process. If you are able to recognize these four expectations around divorce as myths, and know before you are faced with them that the process of breaking up will most likely not be smooth sailing, your journey just might be easier.

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