How do you react when you make a mistake? When you fare worse than your peers? When you feel less than your friends? It’s a good bet that you berate and belittle yourself for not matching up to your expectations of yourself. Most of us tend to judge ourselves too harshly; we are prone to be overly self-critical of our so called failures and inadequacies. We also like to compare ourselves with others and strive to be better than them. But that’s an impossible pursuit. No matter how hard we try, there will always be someone better than us. This is a set-up for disappointment and disillusionment. We then start blaming ourselves for not being good enough. But self-blame only pushes us further down the negative spiral. Our self-confidence takes a beating and we become hopeless.

Self-criticism and self-judgement is a destructive habit that creates unhappiness and heartburn, unnecessarily. The way to break out of this longstanding bad habit is to treat yourself like you would a loved one—with compassion. Think for a moment and you will realise that you tend to be gentle and kind with the flaws of your loved ones. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t treat yourself just as gently and kindly. Best-selling author and spiritual teacher Jack Kornfield says, “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” This month Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and a professor of psychology, tells you why compassion for self is vital for your happiness and success and how you can go about cultivating it.

To explain what is meant by self-compassion, the author first explains the real meaning of compassion and how everyone, regardless of their deeds, deserves it. Then, she makes a clear distinction between self-compassion and conceit or self-centredness. “Self-compassion,” she writes, “involves wanting health and wellbeing for oneself and leads to proactive behaviour to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours—it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.” Later, Kristin shares two exercises designed to help you explore and cultivate self-compassion.

This cover story is meant to help you discover perfection in your imperfections; it gives you blanket permission to care for yourself just like you care for your loved ones. Go ahead, make full use of the permission and then share your experiences with me. Write to me at ma**********@***************ng.com—I would love to hear from you.

The post June 2016 issue: Cultivate self-compassion appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Acclaimed humour writer P G Wodehouse was known for his near-pathological fear of interaction with strangers. One day, as his wife was leaving to look for an apartment in New York, he called out to her: “Please find one on the ground floor!” “Why?” she asked. His reply: “I never know what to say to the lift boy.”

Everyone, including extroverts, suffer from social anxiety once in a while. Occasional self-consciousness has little, if any, effect on your life. But there are those for whom it is a bane. For such individuals, shyness is not situational but built into their very disposition. And it often costs them a lot in life—professionally and personally.

For instance, when it comes to academics, regardless of their aptitude and interest, shy men and women tend to choose subjects in accordance with their shy nature, carefully avoiding fields that need them to interact with too many people. Later, when they appear for job interviews, once again their shyness pushes them back as they find themselves less able to express themselves easily. As a result they do less well in job interviews and are promoted less often than their peers. Not only that, according to some social scientists, shy persons may actually decline a promotion, because the higher you go up the corporate ladder, the more people you will need to interact with. In business too, they lose out on sales and other business opportunities, again thanks to their reticence.

Shy individuals miss the boat in social settings too. Many can’t stand up for their rights and suffer silently. In a group, they are restrained in expressing their views and often forced to go with decisions they don’t agree with. On the personal front, they struggle with finding and making new friends and experience loneliness too. Their diffidence prevents them from letting down their guard and having fun. It is also difficult for them to express their feelings towards their loved ones, creating misunderstandings and heartbreaks. Some even lose out on potential marriage partners, all because they couldn’t muster up the courage to speak to them. In short, there are hundreds of other small and big ways in which shyness kills your joy and steals your potential for success, and shy people know them all too well.

In this issue, Michal Stawicki tells you how overcoming his shyness changed his life. He offers three easy steps that will make you more confident and socially comfortable. “Overcoming shyness doesn’t need polished first liners, wonderfully white teeth or a body language that emanates confidence. It takes minuscule habits practised every day with consistency,” he writes, while urging you to act on your hang-ups decisively.

If you suffer due to your shyness, take heart for in this issue you will discover that shedding it isn’t as ominous as it appears. All it requires on your part are three D’s—dedication, determination and discipline.

The post May 2016 issue: Shedding shyness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

During a senior management meeting of a multinational corporation, the executives were encouraged to ask questions and share their views. Akhilesh Kumar, the head of supply chain, raised his hand and volunteered to share some of his views on various aspects that were discussed in the meeting.

After the meeting, Akhilesh went to meet Manav Behl, the CEO, and asked him what he thought of his comments and whether it was appropriate of him to have raised them in the forum. Manav told him the truth—that although the content of his message was relevant and his views were valid, the way he had conveyed them was a little negative. Akhilesh didn’t take kindly to this feedback and told Manav that henceforth he will simply keep his opinions to himself because it seems that the management didn’t really care about his viewpoint.

Most of us prefer to avoid reality, much less seek it proactively. How often, instead of welcoming insight about ourselves, we treat it as a reason to feel offended? Rather than viewing it as an opportunity to look within and see if we need to change something about our attitude or behaviour, we consider negative feedback as criticism that is best avoided. Many a relationship—personal and professional—go sour due to such poor response to sincere feedback. On the other hand, positive feedback too is viewed either suspiciously or not given much importance because we prefer to live in the bubble of perceptions we have created for ourselves.

But not actively seeking and receiving feedback constructively keeps us from those truths about ourselves which only others can see and point out. And unless we see ourselves—our strengths, our weaknesses—without bias, we will not be happy.

In this month’s lead story, a clinical psychologist tells you why proactively seeking reality can help you expand your awareness about yourself, others and your world. Dr Henry Cloud, best-selling author and acclaimed leadership expert, tells us that armed with this heightened awareness, we can improve all aspects of our lives. Using examples of real people, he illustrates how seeking honest feedback from others is the key to success and happiness. “The good ones want to know the reality of who they are and are in tune with the fact that we do not see ourselves accurately. They ‘seek’ out this knowledge in a variety of ways,” says Dr Cloud as he explains that integrity is all about wanting to know the truth, no matter what the cost.

I find Dr Cloud’s ideas thought provoking; they have made me reflect on my attitude towards the feedback that I receive from others. Also, I have begun to see tremendous value in actively seeking out reality as I am sure you will too, once you finish reading the cover story.

I encourage you to put what you’ve learned into practice right away, like I am doing now by urging you to send me an honest feedback about how we’re doing at Complete Wellbeing and how we can improve. I’ll be grateful for your efforts and your insights.

Write to me directly at ma**********@***************ng.com

The post April 2016 issue: Seeking reality appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There’s a secret ability of successful people that not many know and even fewer will tell you. Nearly all successful, self-made individuals have mastered the art of silencing or at least slowing down their mind. It is believed that we think anywhere between 60,000 to 100,000 [mostly] useless thoughts everyday. It’s like a monkey that lives in your mind, jumping from one thought to another, pointlessly and endlessly. By unleashing a cascade of crippling thoughts, this monkey robs you of your innate ability to live a happy, successful life. So, unless you tame this monkey, you will forever nurture self-doubt, fear and uncertainty.

As your mind is freed from the reign of the monkey, you begin to see possibilities you hitherto didn’t think existed. New vistas open up as unnecessary and self-defeating thoughts and beliefs pave way for clarity. The iconic entrepreneur Steve Jobs once said, “If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is. If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time it does calm, and when it does, there’s room to hear more subtle things—that’s when your intuition starts to blossom and you start to see things more clearly and be in the present more. Your mind just slows down, and you see a tremendous expanse in the moment. You see so much more than you could see before.”

But gagging your mind’s monkey requires that you first understand it; after all, it’s part of your own consciousness. This month, acclaimed author Danny Gregory escorts you into your mind and introduces you to the troublemaker that has been living there for as long as you can remember. He tells you from where the monkey came and how it established itself firmly in the deep recesses of your mind. “The monkey is a formidable foe. It is more devious than you and it has plenty of time on its hands. It can use everything you know against you, push every button, pull every lever, and it is unrelenting,” says Danny as he explains how the monkey, pretending to be your friend and well-wisher, fabricates stories to push you towards self-sabotage. He then flashes his torchlight on the dark corners of your mind to enable you to see and face the annoying ape that has held you back from your joys.

Once the mischief maker is exposed, you begin to understand the tricks it has employed to keep you stuck in a hamster wheel as you keep running but going nowhere in life. It’s now time to disembark from the worthless wheel and proceed in the direction of your goals and dreams. Of course the monkey will put up a fight, but worry not. The author gives you practical strategies to fight back—and win—against this formidable opponent.

As you resolve to no longer allow your strings to be pulled by this invisible inner critic, its defeat is inevitable. After all, it derives all its power from you. So read the full story here and seize back your power.

The post March 2016 issue: Rein in the monkey appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Abhishek Sohni looked stressed out. He had confided in his counsellor Ravi Mazumdar that lately he just couldn’t get himself to focus on his work. Abhishek loved to work; he was the driven type who regularly went beyond the call of his duty. Over the years, he had become known for his work ethic: the guy who never complained about excess work. Not surprisingly he had risen up the ranks quite early in his career.

How could someone like Abhishek suddenly lose all interest in his job? At first Ravi thought it was a case of exhaustion. After all, that is what his symptoms—lethargy, lack of focus and a general disinterest at work—pointed to. But digging deeper he discovered that the cause of Abhishek’s increasing sense of dissatisfaction was not excessive stress but the lack of it. The work that once challenged him now made him weary. He no longer derived any sense of satisfaction from his job, so much so that he had started thinking of retirement although he was only 44. Abhishek was suffering from a different kind of burnout, a phenomenon that results from boredom and lack of eustress or beneficial stress.

We tend to associate the term “burnout” with too much work-related stress. But this is a limited view of a much broader phenomenon. In this issue’s cover story, Dr Steven Berglas tells us the other side of the burnout story—when lack of enough stress and paucity of challenges leads to extended boredom which, in turn, causes burnout. According to him, no matter how good you are at your job and how much you enjoy doing something, after a while you will get bored of doing the same thing over and over again.

Giving examples of athletes who compete against top competitors, salespeople who exceed quotas, and managers who beat deadlines, he says, “Humans are innately challenge-hungry organisms who are rewarded [at a neurological level] by doing something ‘better’ every day… however, should an Olympic-calibre athlete compete against a high school student in his preferred sport, or a salesman reach his annual quota in a few months simply by filing orders from repeat customers, neither individual will derive eustress.”

One could say that true happiness and bliss result from good stress, which absorbs our attention thoroughly and makes us feel worthy. On the other hand, not being challenged enough is bound to make you feel disengaged, causing boredom which ultimately leads to burnout. He calls such burnout Supernova Burnout.

While explaining the concept of Supernova Burnout in detail, Dr Berglas offers a few unique techniques to address it, should you face such a problem in your life. Use these techniques to keep boredom in check while finding new ways to keep your work stimulating and challenging. Because, monotony isn’t good for your wellbeing.

The post February 2016 issue: Preventing burnouts appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Wikipedia defines a safety net as a device that “protects people from injury after falling from heights by limiting the distance they fall, and deflecting to dissipate the impact energy”. The net was first installed as a safety device during the Golden Gate Bridge construction during 1933 –1937 to prevent construction employees from falling to their death.

Humans design all kinds of safety nets in life to protect themselves in case they have a metaphorical “fall”. It would seem that safety nets make people working above it more courageous and inspire them to work harder and be more successful in the knowledge that there is something to protect them if they make a mistake. That’s true in theory but in practice, a safety net encourages failure. It becomes a hammock that makes people lax and lulls people into complacency. Knowing that there’s something to fall back upon, they tend to become less alert, practise less and are more likely to make mistakes and fail. Why? Because failure is now a “safe” option.

Success usually comes to those who don’t think about failure. They don’t give themselves an option to hesitate. Hence they are not focussed on preventing failure but on attaining their goals. Because of this courageous mindset, they usually succeed in a big way. But if you think courage is synonymous with recklessness, this adrenaline-pumping issue will make you change your mind. It will make you see that courage is the only thing that makes life worth living. On the other hand, the stakes of timidity and comfort zones are way too high—though we may continue to breathe and exist, we end up losing out on life itself.

In the New Year’s first cover story, Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval share true accounts of grit and greatness. The stories will arouse your latent valour and make you re-think about the safety nets that might be preventing you from living to your highest potential. “Too often, our typical default setting is to fear disaster, rather than actually plan for it,” they write adding, “We live life avoiding what we fear, a hundred times a day. And what we fear often comes down to failure or rejection.”

Best-selling author of Bangkok 8 and its sequels, British writer John Burdett experienced firsthand how comfort makes you lackadaisical and sets you up for failure. He urges aspiring novelists to shun security and treat comfort as their enemy, an advice I relate to, not just as a writer but as someone who values life. He says, “It is quite amazing how hard the subconscious works when it is made to understand that this life is not a rehearsal, there is no safety net and no assurance of any final closure. It is also quite appalling to realise how catatonic the imagination can become when we hedge our bets, opt for the safer direction at every fork in the path.”

As you read this issue, I hope that you will regain your nerve to step out of your comfort zones and live life the way you were meant to—boldly.

Wish you a joyous 2016!

The post January 2016 issue: Grit and greatness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One day at a cocktail party which had many other writers attending, Isaac Asimov asked someone, “When will you be publishing your next book, Miss Coolidge?” “When,” Miss Coolidge wryly replied, “will you not be publishing your next book, Mr. Asimov?”

Asimov was an eminent scholar and one of the most published authors of the 20^th century. Although he is renowned for his great repertoire of sci-fi writings, he authored well-written books in almost all the categories of Dewey Decimal System of library classification—from religion and languages to pure sciences and even arts. He also wrote about 90,000 letters and postcards in his lifetime. He received tremendous recognition and his works won him several prestigious awards including many lifetime achievement awards.

How could he write so much so well and on so many varied subjects? What was the source of energy and ideas of this prolific writer? What was his secret? I believe what kept Asimov going right till the end of his life was his enthusiasm.

Everything that anyone has ever done well can be attributed to his or her enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is a power; we can use this power to achieve whatever we imagine for ourselves. Inspirational keynote speaker and Hall of Fame broadcaster Sonny Melendrez tells you how to access this power in this month’s cover story.

Using examples from his own life and of others, he illustrates how enthusiasm takes you from dreaming about a good life to living it. “When you truly believe in what you see, your vision begins to take on a life of its own. People, resources and circumstances will begin to appear,” he says as he shares the six elements that unleash the full force of fervour. He suggests ways in which you can bring enthusiasm into your everyday life and also offers advice on how to enthuse your team members.

The story is lucid and packed with wisdom. But words only inspire; action is up to you. And unless you use the insights and put into practise the author’s suggestions, your life will not change. As 2015 comes to an end, how about stocking up on the vibrant power of enthusiasm so that when the New Year arrives, you march into it with the confidence to achieve your most cherished goals?

The post December 2015 issue: The power of enthusiasm appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One day, a young friend paid a visit to the prominent British philosopher Bertrand Russell, and found him in a contemplative mood. “Why so meditative?” he enquired. “Because I’ve made an odd discovery,” replied Russell. “Every time I talk to a savant I feel quite sure that happiness is no longer a possibility. Yet when I talk with my gardener, I’m convinced of the opposite.”

That’s a profound observation by the Nobel Prize recipient. When it comes to pursuit of happiness, the more learned we are, the more illusive it seems. If only we could sit back and relax, and resist the charm of the storylines in our heads, we would realise that life is quite simple. This is what the great Chinese philosopher pointed to when he said, “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Yes, we make it complicated by thinking and analysing too much. We mix up our priorities, then wonder why life is not working out for us; we live a life fabricated out of mistaken ideals, then complain about the lack of fulfilment; we chase worthless objects in the hope that they will bring happiness, then the illusion breaks apart.

But life need not be so full of complications. That’s why, on the occasion of our 9th anniversary, we decided to turn our attention to the basics—the stuff that true happiness is made of. Susan Biali, an internationally recognised medical doctor who is also a life coach, gently reminds us of the nine elementary factors of happiness and wellbeing that we tend to overlook in our busy everyday living. These “building blocks” as we like to call them, don’t come as a revelation. In fact, we miss them only because they are so obvious. And yet, mull over them calmly and you will discover that maybe you need to revisit the priorities in your life and make some much needed changes.

While explaining the need to cultivate emotional resilience, Susan highlights the importance of conscious commitment to live in a balanced, mentally healthy place. “As soon as life gets crowded, most people push sleep, good nutrition and exercise out of the way, to make room for what we think is ‘more important’. We’ve got it backwards! We should see these good health basics as the foundation of our day, the non-negotiable framework of balance in our lives, rather than considering them as disposable options,” she says.

Of the nine building blocks, you may discover that you have a few of them already in place—these are the aspects of your life that are going well. You now need to make a conscious effort to get the remaining blocks to interlock and fit with the existing ones. The changes may not happen overnight but once you are committed to the new blueprint of your life, it’s only a matter of time when the structure of your life will become sturdy and durable—with the wherewithal to resist small and big tremors that will strike from time to time.

Happy Diwali!

The post November 2015 issue: Blueprint of your life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

American actress and novelist Ilka Chase must have had a terrific sense of humour. Soon after she parted ways with her husband Louis Calhern, she found a package of visiting cards bearing the title “Mrs Louis Calhern”. Rather than see them wasted, Ilka got them wrapped and mailed the package to her now ex-husband’s new wife Julia Hoyt. Along with the package she sent a note: “Dear Julia,” it read, “I hope these reach you in time.”

Though this funny anecdote is from the early part of the 20^th century, it reveals a not-so-happy phenomenon of short-lived marriages that is just as widespread today as it was then. Two people fall in love, feel a sense of completeness, get married, and soon discover that their fairy tale story was just their imagination. Each partner blames the other for the collapse of the relationship, missing the point absolutely. Best-selling author Gary Zukav explains this saying, “The collapse of a romantic attraction begins when you realise your saviour cannot deliver, and your anxieties, fears, resentments and self-doubts return. Then you begin the search for salvation all over again.” The inherent problem then lies in looking for salvation through a relationship instead of using it to learn about the self and grow as a person.

The divorce rates in India, though lower than the rest of the world, have increased manifold in the recent years. Even those couples who stay in the marriage are often not in it consciously. They are sifting mindlessly through their lives together, harbouring all kinds of erroneous notions about their respective partners. Sometimes the wall between the couple seems insurmountable; their problems seem impossible to solve. But no problem is unsolvable, if only we stop looking for answers outside and turn within. And this is exactly what Wayne C Allen helps us do in this month’s lead story.

Drawing upon his experience as a psychotherapist, he helps us to detect the flaws in the way we relate. He then introduces the idea of using mindfulness to relate, a perspective that is at once fresh and intuitive, helping us understand what we really want from our relationships.

This feature is unlike most others in that it’s participative. I liken it to a mini-workshop where he introduces his Communication Model. Plus, there are plenty of exercises that you can do right away. These are interspersed with gems of wisdom such as, “For now until forever, speak always and only for yourself. This means owning your judgements, speaking your truths by saying, ‘This is what I believe,’ and asking your partner for clarification for pretty much everything they say or do.” What Wayne does is make you think for yourself and, in doing so, makes you realise that your happiness is in your hands. Your relationships then become an opportunity to share that joy and learn about yourself.

Award-winning author Dave Meurer says, “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” So that’s the heart of the matter. I’d say let your differences help you grow while you love each other even more.

Read the full story here.

The post October 2015 issue: Is your marriage on autopilot? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The great inventor Thomas Edison was known to be a workaholic who regarded social gatherings such as formal dinners and parties as a waste of time. On one such occasion, feeling bored in the company of dull people, he resolved to escape to his laboratory at the first opportunity. Just as he was about to walk through the door, the host of the dinner appeared. “It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison. What are you working on now?” asked the oblivious man. “My exit,” replied Edison.

Edison clearly knew his priorities and abided in them. To him, his work made him happy. In fact he once said, “I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.” Not surprisingly, he spent a significant amount of his time working, accumulating in his lifetime more than 2000 patents for his inventions. But most people are not so sure about their priorities. They have been conditioned to embrace social ideals, which they often accept and embrace as their own values. Then, when happiness eludes them, they wonder why. The answer is simple—they are not living authentic lives.

An authentic life is one in which you are guided by an inner conviction. Your thoughts and actions are aligned to your natural inclinations. Such a life is characterised by lasting joy, a feeling of freedom, extraordinary vitality and, most of all, a sense of effortlessness. “Is such a life possible?” you ask. Absolutely, and best-selling author and human behaviour specialist Dr John Demartini tells you how in the lead story this month.

The key to living your best life lies in determining your highest values and letting them steer your decisions and actions. True values are like fingerprints—each individual has a unique set of them. “They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you, and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling,” says John adding, “Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pattern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you.”

Once you understand how alignment to your values determines the quality of your life, you must identify your highest values. John has created a six-step process to help you discover your personal values, which is presented after his article. I urge you to spare some time and complete this very meaningful exercise, at the end of which you will know which of your beliefs have been blocking your rightful happiness from you.

No matter what your values, once you know what they are, you will never again waste your time living by other people’s standards. Like Edison, you will simply exit any situation that doesn’t line up with your values.

The post September 2015 issue: For lasting joy, align with your highest values appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.