I recently went through a really long and painful breakup. It was quite a tough and strenuous process but I can say that I’m much better off now. I broke up with my fat and it’s been a year since we’ve bumped into each other. That’s the problem, whether you have GF [good fat] or BF [bad fat] they are eventually part of the same family and it’s imperative that you break up with them for good health.

Love at first bite

14 years ago, fat and I first met. For us, it was love at first bite and we just couldn’t let go of each other since. A year ago, I was 86 kilos. A feat I had accomplished while living on a diet of cheese, ghee, butter and every other fattening food item that a child needs to develop his chance of succeeding at having a heart attack.

For a long time I was in utopia. I didn’t care about my weight nor did I care about my looks. As long as I did not remove my shirt, my friends were happy to be around me and I never hit on any woman… because I was in a committed relationship—with my obese body. One day I ran up a slope and I ended up panting and sounding like Darth Vader having an asthma attack. That’s when I realised how tremendously unfit I was.

Gym… what’s that?

I knew I needed to break up with my fat and move on. It all changed the day a gym opened up near my house. Proximity triumphed over laziness and I decided to try out a little exercise. So far, the only marathon I had ever run was the dream run, where I would dream of running someday.

Now, I don’t like going to a gym and hanging out with men who are way better looking and fitter than I am. I think, secretly they’re trying to prove to each other how their big muscles are good enough to compensate for their smaller… um… brains. Yet, I put all my prejudices aside and pledged myself to a cycle of furious exercises with the help of a personal trainer.

For all those who don’t know, a personal trainer is just a human alarm clock and counting machine to help you lose weight. All you need to do to become a personal trainer is know how to count till 10 in English and then offer encouraging words such as ‘come on’, ‘you can do it’, ‘my mother has bigger muscles’ [I think my trainer had issues].

Having the ‘talk’

It’s a year down the line; I am 18 kilos lighter and as fit as I could ever be. Losing this much weight was like breaking up with a really stubborn girlfriend, because she’s not going to let you go without leaving a few marks.

To elucidate, breaking up with my fat went something along the lines of:

Me: Hey we need to talk.

Fat: Just a minute, do I look good here or should I move to your shoulder?

Me: You don’t look good anywhere. Listen, I think we need to talk. It’s high time we take a break.

Fat: Not now. I am depositing myself around your chest. Have you considered buying a bra?

Me: No. I need some space. You’ve been sticking to me for far too long. I think I need to start seeing healthier food items.

Fat: Don’t you dare abandon me! Cheese and butter for life—that was our motto when we started. What’s her name? It’s salad, na? I thought you had a thing for her. I noticed it the other day when you came home and you had a ranch dressing stain on your shirt.

Me: It’s not that, baby.

Fat: Listen, just because I’m baby fat, it doesn’t give you the right to call me that.

Me: Well, it’s over. We’re done.

Fat: Fine, if this is what you want. Go ahead. Live your life. You will go the gym and see me crying. Maybe I’ll go away. But remember… I will always be there just waiting for you.

Fat people are cannibals

It’s kind of a disgusting thought but that’s what I believe sweat is, just my fat crying every single time I try to remove it from my life.

Being a fat guy was tough. I used to hate other people because everyone feels that it’s their right to make fun of you. This one time I was sitting in a bus and there was a father and his small daughter sitting opposite me. The daughter was making a lot of noise and the father looked at me, then his daughter and said “Beta, be quiet or else! Do you see that uncle over there?”

At this point of time I was preparing myself to look as menacing as possible so I could scare the child… until her father said those shocking words “That uncle will eat you up.”

Eat her up? What do you think I am? A cannibal? I’m not one, and even if I was, I’m Indian so I would be a vegetarian cannibal [not quite sure how that would work out though].

Life post the breakup

Now that I’m thin, it’s the reverse. Every single day is filled with compliments from people telling me how great I look. I hear things like “You’re looking so good” or “You’ve lost so much weight. Wow! That is so awesome” or “You are so handsome” to which I always reply “Thanks mom”. [But apart from my mother I do know at least two women who have called me handsome!]

It’s the compliments that motivate me to stay thin. Every single compliment that I get makes me realise that I made the best decision of my life. Once in a while when I’m eating a cheese sandwich, I think about the old days and smile. Then I put the sandwich down and prepare myself to run on the path of good health. I may not make it till the end, but at least I know I won’t sound like Darth Vader having an asthma attack!

This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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These days everyone prefers having his or her communication being ‘instant’—just like their coffee. You instantly message, you instantly reply… and if someone does not respond to your message immediately then you instantly think that they hate you.

What makes instant messaging terrible is that it makes you paranoid. People are constantly checking their phone to know if they’ve got a response to the witless ‘forward’ that they have sent.

Even Big Brother is worried

The reason I’m writing this is because I used to [used being the important word here] be a fan of WhatsApp, the most commonly used mobile application to wish everyone ‘Gd Mrning’.

WhatsApp recently introduced a feature where you see two blue tick marks if someone has read your message. Let’s have a minute of silence to observe the death of the excuse ‘Super sorry yaar, I just saw my phone and read your messages’. Now, not only can you see that the message has been read, but you can also see when the person has read it. Somewhere, Big Brother is trying to uninstall WhatsAapp saying, “This is getting a little too much”.

This is a clear-cut invasion of someone’s privacy. What’s next? Getting a receipt with a signature of the person indicating that they’ve read the message? Or a detailed list of all the conversations they’ve had, so you know that they’re ignoring multiple people and not just you?

K, c u l8tr

As I delved deeper I realised why I don’t like WhatsApp and other instant messengers—it is because there is no fun left in communicating anymore. Everything has been reduced to monosyllabic conversations, hello has become hi, goodnight is gnite and you has become u. People have become so lazy that they do not even want to type three letters because it causes mild discomfort and are worried they could get carpal tunnel syndrome.

The worst side effect of this trend has been the creation of the word ‘K’.

‘K’ is short for ok, which is short for okay which is short for Oh Kool And Yaay [I made the last one up, but who cares]. This side effect has crept into our lives and has now become an everyday phenomenon.

Mom: Hey son, coming home for dinner tonight?

Me: K

Mom: Bring home some paneer.

Me: K

Mom: Ur brother had a horrible accident.

Me: Oh no! We should make sure he is all right.

Mom: K

‘K’ denotes that you are too lazy to acknowledge anything that I am saying. K is the appropriate response only when someone asks you what the chemical formula of Potassium is.

K as a response agitates you because you know the person clearly has no interest in what you’re saying. I just hope that this ‘lingo’ never reaches films. Imagine if the Star Wars movie decided to use messaging jargon:

Darth Vader: I am your father

Luke Skywalker: K

Darth Vader: Uh…

Maybe in the future every single film will climax with the protagonist uttering just one letter and that’s a future I’m supremely petrified of.

I’ll be right back… or maybe not

Apart from ‘K’, another thing that gets on my nerves is when someone says BRB. It is short for Be Right Back and it’s really ironic because people who use this never return immediately. From experience I can tell you that people who say BRB generally put their phone away and then ignore you for the next five years or so.

BRB is the perfect way to get out of any conversation. One of the main reasons I think that people feel ignored is because BRB simply denotes ‘You’re not interesting enough. I’m going to make you wait while I do everything else that is a lot more fun than chatting with you’. It’s my firm belief that the Cold War started when Russia said its version of BRB to America and then never got back.

We need better and more realistic alternatives to BRB like:

BRBITH: Be right back in three hours.

BRBJK: Be right back. Just kidding.

INCB: I’m not coming back.

DDSM: Dude don’t stop messaging.

Waiting for you to reply

‘K’ and ‘BRB’ are still bearable in the face of getting absolutely no reply. It’s so annoying when you send a message and wait for eons but still don’t get a reply. We humans have developed a habit of constantly checking our phones, because obviously staring at the screen is going to force it to send a message faster.

Waiting for a reply to your message brings with it a certain amount of paranoia. You start to think that maybe the message was incorrect, maybe you should have said something else, maybe you should have sent a photo of a cow, maybe you should have just not messaged or maybe you should constantly text ‘?’ until they start replying again.

As a comedian I’m used to instant validation. I’m used to people laughing at my jokes when I perform them but when I send a joke to someone, I don’t know how they will react. So if they respond with a K then they didn’t like my joke, if they say BRB then they need time to think about it. However, if they don’t respond at all, then either my joke is so bad that you’re dead or I’m a terrible comedian, which I clearly am not [at least my mom thinks so]. Hence I’ve decided that if people don’t reply, then I’m going to delete their contacts and never talk to them ever again. It will be brutal but it needs to be done because ‘no reply for no reply makes the whole world mute’ and in all honesty that may be a better world to live in.

So here we are: living in a world where people are constantly trying their best to maintain conversation but making it worse—one line at a time. I want to avoid mental illness so I think I’m going to take a sabbatical and get off my WhatsApp and throw away my smart phone. Come along and join me, let’s go back to when times were simpler. If you want to speak to me, you can easily send me a letter or better yet use a pigeon [they are stupid but reliable]. Remember if I don’t reply then I maybe busy and I will be BRB but no matter what… and I will reply, K?

This was first published in the December 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Yet if I were to change my profession, I’d willingly become a lawyer because there are so many bizarre laws across the world, it would make going to court seem like a comedy movie. For instance, did you know that in Alaska, it’s illegal to wake a sleeping bear to take its photograph? Or that in Washington, pretending to have wealthy parents is illegal? Or in India playing table tennis with a goldfish while it smokes is considered a criminal offence? [Okay, I made up the last one but there’s a very probable chance of it actually being a law somewhere else in the world.]

Since I wanted to practise my law skills, I did some research and it gives me great pleasure as I present to you five of the most bizarre laws across the world.

In New York the penalty for jumping off a building is—death

That’s the most ironic punishment anyone can ever think of. You’re basically punishing attempted suicide by death, which is as logical as punishing a thief by giving him money. Also, how would the authorities punish you?

I’ve got a suggestion for them; it’s a really simple procedure. Let’s say you jump and survive, they punish you by taking you to the top and throwing you off again!

If this was a law in India, I can imagine an entire police force being hired to catch these ‘criminals’. They will set up roadblocks on the side of the building so that if you fall faster than the speed limit, they can catch you.

Come to think of it, the only way to avoid this law is by setting a giant trampoline at the bottom of each building. It’s like a birthday party where life is the return gift!

In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to notify the police 24 hours prior to the event

If you thought New York had odd laws, then let me introduce you to the best law on the list. Notifying the police in advance? This sounds like the poor man’s version of Minority Report. Plus, in this modern age I’m sure if you’re a policeman in Texas you will get a Facebook invite for an event called ‘Robbery at 6’ and you can choose ‘Attending, Not Attending, Maybe Attending [based on the bribe]’.

I can only imagine the phone calls that must happen to comply with this law…

Police: Hello, police hotline. This call may be recorded for criminal catching purposes.

Robber: Hi guys! I’m just calling to inform you that I’m going to rob one house in Dallas tomorrow.

Police: All right, just call the Dallas branch and inform them. They will arrest you in about half an hour after the robbery; you are innocent until proven guilty. That’s our policy! 30 minutes or you are free!

Robber: Cool! See you tomorrow! Also it’s BYOW.

Police: BYOW?

Robber: Bring your own weapons!

Police: Oh! Good one. See you.

The only way you can avoid this law is by sending a letter of intimation to the police. Judging by the speed of the postal service, the police will capture you only once you have been reincarnated.

In Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies

Firstly, who takes a lion to a movie? Which man [or woman] is standing in a zoo and thinking, “Hmm… this lion should totally catch the latest Hunger Games movie. He’s been staring at me for quite a while now.”

Recently a man was mauled when he entered a tiger enclosure and people have been blaming the poor tiger for the attack. I believe we are getting our facts wrong. The conversation between the man and tiger must have been something like this:

Man: Hey, do you want to go for a movie?

Tiger: Sure, which one?

Man: Let’s go see Twilight.

Tiger: Why you little… *attacks man*

Also I find this law unfair to lions. What if they want to watch The Lion King or see their fellow creature’s Oscar-worthy role as the MGM logo? I know lions should not be allowed in theatres because their preferred movie snack is human. The only way someone can avoid this law is by sneaking in a lion and claiming it’s their wife who forgot to bleach in the morning.

In England it is illegal to die in the house of parliament

This is an unfair law because it’s impossible to not die of boredom in the Parliament. I want this law to be implemented in India because our politicians are so old that it should be illegal for them to be alive.

Some of our politicians are so ancient that their original voting constituencies are Mohenjodaro and Harappa. Unfortunately, no parliament allows death as an escape plan. I’m pretty sure as soon as your soul leaves your body, the House Speaker will start screaming, “Please sit down. Can all the souls please maintain decorum and sit down?!” Hence forcing the politician to stay and suffer! Rather than that he should just go to the top of the building and jump off. After all he’s a politician—no cops or road blocks can stop him!

Speaking of old people, here’s a law that was probably meant only for them…

In some states, including California, Florida, Nevada, Alaska and Hawaii, a motorist can be cited for driving too slowly

You will agree that only oldies would commit this crime. Old people should never be allowed to drive because their entire life is lived in first gear. I’m not saying old people drive slowly but their side view mirror has a sign that says: ‘Objects in the mirror may seem closer than they appear because they want you to stop blocking the road’.

It must be terrible for a policeman to catch someone driving slowly right?

Policeman: Sir, I have caught you because you were way below the speed limit.

Old man: Was I not fast enough?

Policeman: Sir, I walked and came to your car—that’s how slow you were. You need to at least drive at the minimum speed limit.

Old man: So you want me to speed?

Policeman: Sir, you’re driving so slowly that if you attempt to speed, you will drive at the normal speed!

Old man: Anything else officer?

Policeman: Yeah, please don’t drive slowly again. Don’t you know that you are not supposed to commit a crime unless you call us in advance?!

In conclusion, when I think about it, I’m really glad that India does not have some of these stupid laws. It’s true that some laws are meant to be broken but these laws… they are just out there to break you! I’m really proud of living in a country where you can do what you want without the fear of being persecuted. If you do want to learn more about strange laws, you know where to find me—I’ll be playing table tennis with a goldfish who smokes!

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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