So she took us down the memory lane to her childhood.

“As a child I never got along with my mom. Our differences were so serious that, often, I was suicidal. But I was too lazy to really ‘plan out a suicide’ and kept pushing it to a later date. In some days, the hurt and the anger would ebb and the thought of ending my life would perish…until the next fight after which I would think a lot but never act, yet again, because of this habit of pushing things.

“Well, I admit that I am a champ of procrastination and it adversely affects me in many ways. But hey! I am alive because of the habit. So is it my strength or my weakness?” she asked, finishing her story.

The question is indeed interesting and open to debate, but for now, the issue at hand is ‘the trait’ itself. This habit of postponing things, pushing them till the very last minute sounds rather familiar, doesn’t it? While only few of us excel at the art of procrastination, we all resort to it at some time or the other. Whatever the reason, the bigger issue at hand is—what do we do about this? How to stop procrastinating?

The first step would be to take a peep into the reasons why you procrastinate. This will help you understand yourself and identify a pattern. For example, one of my friends is an exceptional painter. She is aware of her talent and has extremely high expectations of herself. Every work of hers has to be a masterpiece.

This unrealistic expectation becomes a stumbling block because the very thought of splashing colour on canvas stresses her out and she cites all kinds of excuses for not painting. If she becomes aware of this idiosyncrasy, she can actively work on lowering the bar of expectations so that she doesn’t avoid doing something she loves and is good at.

Similarly, all of us first need to look inside and identify our quirks before we can get rid of them. There can be many simple yet effective tips for overcoming procrastination. But the top three on my list would be:

1. Show yourself a carrot

Just like you reward kids for good behaviour, you can promise yourself a gift if you finish some long-pending task without any delay. The reward, of course, has to be big and attractive enough to make you spring into action, but it also must be proportionate to effort or difficulty level of the task. For example, you cannot promise yourself a car for cleaning a closet but you can certainly gift yourself a nice hair spa for updating all bank records and organising all financial documents. Some may argue that this is bribery and you can get into the habit of bribing yourself for every small action. Well, since it’s your need to get things done, you better not get addicted to bribing yourself.

2. Announce a deadline

Nothing works like a deadline in getting things done. But what is it about a deadline that gets things done? It is the pressure, which makes us restless and uncomfortable. However, since you are the one who decides the deadline, you can always keep changing it. Right? So you need to deny yourself this luxury. How? Simply by announcing it to the world. Now you know that people are watching. You better not falter or fail. Tell your family and friends that you will complete a specific activity by this date. Then, put post-its on the mirror, fridge or work-station—they not only act as reminders but also keep that positive pressure on you all the time.

I once was struggling reading a book. I knew it was important for me to finish it, but just couldn’t get myself to read enough every day. The perceptive husband saw this and pointedly asked me how many chapters today, how many tomorrow and so on. He then noted down my response on a paper under the heading ‘My commitment to myself’ and put it on my wardrobe. I was under so much pressure not to let myself down that I stuck to the plan and finished the book in three days flat.

3. Make a to-do list

A daily to-do list is the most critical planning tool whether you are a professional or a home-maker. It helps in organising your thoughts, planning the day, prioritising things and even getting the most unpalatable jobs done. However, once you start making such lists every day, you will realise that items like cleaning wardrobes, destroying old documents, getting suitcases repaired and giving out unwanted clothes never get scratched off the list and keep appearing day after day. These are things you always wanted to avoid and you continue avoiding them despite the to-do list. In such a situation, some ground rules need to be in place. Any carry forward from today becomes the top priority item tomorrow. It has to be finished first thing in the morning when the energy and ability to do things is much higher. If you still manage to avoid it and the item doesn’t get struck off in a week, you pay a penalty. Something like, you burn 100 extra calories in the gym till the time it gets done.

Having run you through my top three tips, let me admit that tips and techniques to overcome procrastination are quite peripheral. The fundamental issue is the realisation that procrastination is like a self-inflicted punishment—it gnaws at us, burdens us with guilt, self-doubt and disappointment, robs us of time and ultimately pulls us down in our own minds. Why should we live with this disease when the cure is within each one of us?

The post 3 sure shot ways to end procrastination appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Hardly! It’s only human to desire what you do not have and I am no exception. When I had a career, I longed for a baby and how! When I was finally blessed with a little one, I was missing having a real job. Shouldn’t confusion be my middle name?

My baby was [still is] the sunshine of my life. I thanked the Lord everyday for this blessing; but still somewhere I was increasingly unhappy and restless. Despite it, I didn’t want to take up any high-involvement work either. Ironical? Of course! It’s something like ‘I’m hungry but I will not eat.

Yet, I can’t tolerate this hunger any more’. How illogical is that? And how does one resolve such a situation? Well, like any other problem, you go deeper into the situation, analyse it and look for possible solutions.

Points to be noted

First, I had to figure what this restlessness was all about. So one afternoon, after putting my baby to bed, I jotted down things, which made me unhappy.

Financial independence

This was by far the most important factor. I was missing making money and paying my own bills. I was fine buying grocery, household stuff, and paying telephone/electricity bills. But when it came to spending on myself, I felt extremely uncomfortable. Even a visit to the beauty parlour would pack me off on a guilt trip. And this despite having the most supportive husband who never questioned me on the expenses.

Freedom

After money [or rather no money!], this was the biggest compromise I had to make. How I missed the travel, the independence of moving around without a care, the fun of meeting different people, visiting places, making sudden plans for movies or treks, going all the way to Worli sea face on a rainy day just for a spicy corn and tea! The list was endless.

Now my wings were clipped. I couldn’t even flap around without meticulous planning and finally, the biggest challenge.not feeling guilty about catching some fresh air.

Achievement orientation

I have always been a goal-oriented person with this enormous need to explore my potential. Every morning, I wake up with a strong belief that I am cut out to achieve far more and need to focus on making this thought a reality. As a full-time mommy, I often restlessly paced around thinking, “How is this possible if I limit myself to just one role?”

No tangible challenge

Anyone who has painstakingly raised a child knows that it is the most challenging job in the world. Yet, I was missing the challenges of a professional environment—the fun of working on targets, the thrill of meeting deadlines, the satisfaction of proving yourself and finally, the reward of recognition and appreciation.

Peer pressure

I often wonder how other women manage their homes and kids as well as jobs. Is it humanly possible to give your 100 per cent to a demanding job, an even more demanding baby, manage a household and take care of the family? Other women seem to be able to manage everything so efficiently. “Am I not stretching enough? Why can’t I also be a superwoman?! Oh God! I am not even giving myself a chance.”

Material comforts

Even though I’d given my child priority over money, I never failed to notice that my peers were racing far ahead of me in money matters. Someone had booked ‘yet another’ flat [nothing short of a sprawling 3BHK of course], someone had bought one more car, while others were rejuvenating their tired bodies with massages at exotic spas in Thailand. However hard I played the ‘it doesn’t affect me’ card, it did affect me. And it left me a tad unsure about my decision to ‘not earn’.

I am not interesting enough

Whenever I socialised with my friends or my husband’s working friends/colleagues, everyone talked effortlessly about their work, promotions, new jobs [obviously with fatter packages] and achievements.

My life was different from theirs

Apart from the weekend socialising with corporate executives, I also actively interacted with people from different walks of life and varied professions—carpenters, plumbers, electricians, painters, hardware guys, LPG/fridge/washing machine/AC technicians. But it wasn’t quite be wise to talk about my busy social life, was it?

Appearance

Oh what a beating I had taken in the looks department after the delivery. The excess weight was stubbornly sticking; the hormones were working overtime on my hair—systematically ruining my crop. If this wasn’t bad enough, I had even developed adult acne on my sagging skin. No wonder my self-esteem was in dumps.

Talk of the other parent of my child and the contrast was killing. Every morning, my husband would appear from his room immaculately dressed—wet look hairstyle, designer specs, a delightful aftershave, well-tailored attire, a classy tie for contrast effect, smart Italian shoes polished to perfection and a lean, mean, fit body. The busy bod would step out of the house every morning with a sense of purpose.

I am being wasted

When you are a stay-at-home mum, the entire household starts taking you for granted. It shows in small little things like:

• Using the loo [“You could have gone later, you have all day to yourself”. As if stay-at-home moms have better bowel control than people stepping out to make a living].
• Looking for things [“I am getting late…please help me find my mobile charge/that broad black belt/pen drive/my green spiral pad”].
• Home management [“Don’t forget to refill the cornflakes, order the protein supplement on time, my white shirts are yellowing, did you stitch the button?”].

Insecure about my professional future

Last but certainly not the least, the one dreadful thought that would make me break in cold sweat. What after this sabbatical? Have I committed a professional suicide? Will I be able to get back to a satisfying career after this break?

The analysis mode

After having made my list, the next job was to get into the ‘understand–analyse–resolve’ mode. I started with the most basic question: “Why have I chosen to be a stay-at-home mom?”

The question took me back to my babyhood. When I was two months old, financial compulsions made my mother take up a job. All my childhood, I saw my mother finishing chores, rushing through tasks, hurrying us into finishing whatever we were doing.forever on the run. There is hardly any memory of chilled-out time with her and my mother perhaps regrets this more than I do.

I am thankful that I at least had the option of staying home with my child and I was determined to make the most of it. Early childhood experiences go a long way in shaping your personality. In fact, the first five years in a child’s life are the most crucial because more than 50 per cent of her brain develops during these formative years.

This knowledge triggered several questions. If the idea is to constantly stimulate my child’s brain through reading, talking, exposing her to different environments, giving her varied experiences, who can do it better than me? I have brought one innocent being in this fiercely competitive world. Wasn’t it my responsibility to equip her for this challenge?

Final report

As I forced myself to evaluate all my doubts with a calm, uncluttered mind, the answer to each one brought more and more clarity. And I reached a conclusion sooner than I thought—my baby needs me more than I need a job.

But then, what about the restlessness? Will this clarity help me cleanse my system of it? Perhaps not. I will have to live with it and learn to conquer it.

The post For the love of my child appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

So let us acknowledge this write-up as a humble attempt to share the joys and struggles from this amazing journey called parenthood!

Blessing in disguise

Parenthood is an absolute blessing. It’s a delightful experience to bring a tiny human to this world and then watch it blossom and grow. But the magnitude of responsibility that comes with this experience can only be felt after becoming a parent. And since little babies don’t come with user manuals, first-time parents often find themselves inept for this responsibility, no matter how many websites/books they have devoured.

In my case, this feeling came just a few hours after my daughter’s birth when I could do nothing to stop her wails. All the reading in the world had not equipped me to handle this simple [in retrospect of course] phenomenon. ‘All babies cry after birth, it’s their way of adjusting to the new environment’ and so on.

The theory was perfectly etched in my mind. So, how do you expect a woman [who has just been stitched back] to handle the inability to stop the heartrending cries of her little one? Well, I simply joined in with my own tears of helplessness. Who cares if people around were amused or entertained?

Discovering the secret

The initial months were spent meticulously following instructions from elders. Then, slowly and steadily, I eased into the role of a mother who relied more on instincts and her own judgment. Just when I had started feeling confident about my parenting abilities, my little angel, who was now a two-year-old toddler, put me in place by creating challenging situations, which left me clueless again.

Incidents like stubbornly refusing to come home from the and attacking me like a venomous snake if I would attempt getting anywhere near her; screaming and crying for a candy and of course, shutting her mouth tight as soon as she saw her toothbrush in my hand would leave me stumped. I wouldn’t know whether to physically overpower the pint-sized rebel or talk it out; with no amount of ‘discussion’ helping sometimes.

Heavens, I simply didn’t know how to handle a two-year-old! Once again I went scuba diving in the vast parenting wisdom available online, borrowed ideas from websites, sought advice from family and friends, discussed issues with my husband [who surprisingly always had an insightful answer to the problem despite spending far less time with the child] and came out much enlightened!

Revealing pearls of wisdom

Here is some of the knowledge I gathered:

• It is never too early to start disciplining kids. In fact how you handle situations during the toddler years not only defines your relationship with your child, but also shapes her personality.
• If the child becomes demanding and assertive, it’s crucial to establish your leadership in this ‘power struggle’ and let the child know who is in charge.
• ‘Discipline without disgrace’ is the new parenting mantra. It simply says that parents should not shame or humiliate their children in an attempt to correct them. This impacts the child’s self-esteem adversely.
• ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ is an outdated thought because it encourages violence and aggression in kids and seldom reforms them. Even though spanking looks like the simplest and most effective way of silencing the child, it fails as a corrective tool.
• What works? Firm and unwavering parents who refuse to accept misbehaviour and are willing to explain the do’s and don’ts. Children look up to parents who are assertive, unyielding and consistent. I couldn’t agree more. My daughter throws far less tantrums in front of daddy because she knows that she will achieve little—he will remain unmoved by her theatrics and will handle the situation sternly. With mamma, she knows there’s room to get her way with a mere sad face.
• It’s very important to stay calm when the child is upset. Easier said than done? Not really. One has to train oneself to handle such situations. If you want to be accepted as the boss, you better command that respect.

Applying new strategies

Armed with this new ammunition, I was ready for some high-level strategic warfare. I specifically remember one visit to the market when my daughter went mad crying for an ice-cream. Normally I would have tried to talk [futile attempt obviously] and then would’ve resorted to yelling, spanking, picking up the child and marching back home; in that order. All that was passe! The ‘evolved’ mother employed a totally different strategy. I completely ignored her and coolly stood a few feet away chewing my gum with absolute indifference.

The onlookers gave me strange and quizzical looks since my child was rolling on the mucky floor, face covered with tears and mud. Ignoring it all, I continued my Oscar-winning performance and just told her in a calm voice that I was waiting for her to get over her bad mood so that we could go back home.

Sure enough, after some time, the little monster picked herself, walked up to me and even mumbled a sorry. Was this for real? When I gathered my princess [who at that point looked more like a beggar child] in my arms and soothingly said, “It’s ok”, I was probably more relieved than her.

Back home, after cleaning up, we did have a ‘talk’ over dinner and that was the beginning of new dynamics between the mother and daughter.

The post My parenting secret appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.