Have you ever been ghosted? No I’m not referring to entities from the other world but real human beings who just disappear from your life without a warning. They block you on social media, refuse to answer your calls and totally cut you off from their life without giving any reason. If you have, you know how distressing that feeling is. I’ve been ghosted so many times that I’ve lost count. Initially I didn’t even know there was a name for it, I just lived with this feeling of deep hurt and betrayal that I held on to in secret. I thought I was alone in this experience but as I grew older and the world of social media opened up, I realised there were thousands like me.

I have a few questions for the many men and one woman who have ghosted me

• Why do you do it? Talk to me for days, encourage me to make you a part of my life. And then, just disappear?
• Why do you do it? Tell me that no matter how I look, we will definitely still be friends—because our chats are so much fun, “almost electric”. And then, just disappear?
• Why do you do it? Tell me that I’m beautiful and funny and cute and you can’t wait to spend more time together. And then, just disappear?
• Why did you do it? I consider you my best friend, I share all my innermost thoughts with you and then, all of a sudden, you take my friendship and disappear?
• Is it really that hard to tell me that you’d rather not stay friends with me or continue to be in touch?
• Do you choose to disappear because you are scared of a confrontation? Or is it because you think I’ll make a scene?

Why it hurts so much

Everyone has dreams. Agreed, parts of them may come together in your head with the help of unrealistic TV shows and movies. These dreams are full of grand romances and blissful friendships, full of spontaneous travel and unquestioned loyalty. But then you get torn away from these dreams and brought down to cold realistic earth where your partner-in-crime is long gone. I wish I knew when someone was going to ghost me so I could tell them how much it hurts. It hurts that you think I’d beg you to stay if you didn’t want to. It hurts that you never really cared at all. It hurts that you never really knew me at all.

It’s a special kind of hurt that betrayal brings with it. And most of us react in one of two ways; we either shut down and handle every future interaction with a double dose of cynicism, or hold on tenuously to hope by living in denial. I have somehow found a Golden Mean between the two extremes—my terrible memory issues helps me block out the names of these people [though the memories of the feelings remain] and my rising cynicism ensures that I no longer trust anyone easily anymore. For example, I still remember how this chat friend drove past me when I was waiting to meet him for the first time and then switched off his phone. I also still remember the gentleman who blocked me on WhatsApp after a few meetings because I was “too much of a prude”.

Is it really so hard to be honest about something not working out and concluding it in a decent manner? Be honest and remove yourself in a dignified manner. If the other person is being problematic and you have to them block him/her, everybody would understand. But at least respect them enough to simply be honest with them.

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Over and over again I have noticed how I best solve problems by taking some time off and bringing some distance between me and the situation. Some people may call it running away, but how is it running away when I’m just trying to come back with a solution? The best example of a simple getaway was when I went to Alibaug for a short trip. Just getting out of the main city was such sweet relief—the real world disappearing behind me with every breath. The beaches and the fresh seafood helped too. All of it came together to a formula that was definitely worth the time away from the world.

Planning the trip can be therapeutic too

Now that I have to travel for work almost once a month, it is amazing how picking up the phone to do my hotel bookings can make me take a deep breath and let go of the day. Putting together plans for hotels and flights, coordinating cat pick ups and even scheduling meetings can get my adrenaline going. [Yes, even the meetings part!] Ever had a day where everything seemed to go wrong? When you push a door which has a pull sign or when you hit your head against a cupboard just as you’re getting out of bed in the morning. Of course you’ve had a day like that. All of us have. All you need to do is to go on a vacation. It doesn’t even have to be real if you can’t afford it. Go online; look up options of places you could go to. Choose one. Then look up the things you can do there. Go on, indulge. Make an itinerary. Prioritise things you want to do; choose experiences and sights and try to fit them on a schedule. I have been planning a trip to Barcelona for two years now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make it; but knowing that it’s an option that I can explore if I ever get the chance, is an amazing feeling. Planning my trip so I’m there during a street fair; or where I should stay so I can taste the best of what Barcelona has to offer.

I dreamt my way to Paris

My trip to Paris was a perfect example of this. I had spent the better part of four years planning out what I would do if I ever went to Paris; amazingly enough I was able to do most of those. The most prominent on my list was The Louvre, a magical world I had never imagined being able to go to. I’d planned out what time in the day I’d visit; what exhibits I’d have liked seeing and how I would best use my time in the enormous museum. When at the Louvre, I spent the whole day inside, just wandering around open-mouthed because I couldn’t believe I was where I was.

Just go with the flow

That is not to say there isn’t something as spontaneity. Sometimes, decisions have to be made on the go and they may be the best decisions ever. Walking around Paris, my friend and I reached Sainte Chappelle after closing time and were very disappointed. A cute French guy came up, saw our glum faces and recommended we try our luck at getting tickets for concerts that are performed at the venue. An impromptu decision later, we were watching Vivaldi being played in the most amazing surroundings and it wasn’t even expensive [no, seriously not expensive at all!] There are breathtaking memories to be made; memories like the one at Sainte Chappelle and the ones of the Louvre or the time I heard Big Ben chiming or when I had a fruit beer in freezing Frankfurt or when I ate home-cooked biryani at Jawhar’s only hotel. It is these memories that keep you sane on a day of roller coasters. I have often come back home from a crazy week on the ropes, got into bed with my book and mint lemonade and day dreamed my way back to reality. If you are a traveller or a reader, you will know exactly what I mean.

This was first published in the May 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Published by: Knopf

ISBN: 978-0385349949

Pages: 240

Price: INR 550

Remember the manifesto written by Tom Cruise’s character in Jerry Maguire that got him fired because it was too idealistic? Well, I wonder what effect the feminist manifesto by Sheryl Sandberg had in her workplace, cool as working at Facebook can be.

There are many detractors against Sandberg’s vision of a world where “half the countries would be ruled by women and half the households would be run by men”, who say that her view is too simplistic and hedonistic. But isn’t there something to be said for a woman who is trying to instill in a little girl the confidence that it’s OK to want to be successful?

Much like Allison Tate’s plea to moms to get ‘in the picture’ no matter their size, shape and form; Sheryl asks women to ‘sit on the table’ – to get involved in the conversations and not be afraid of taking risks in the workplace. One idea that really stands out for me is how we girls are brought up to see successful working women as hard, masculine and not good enough and how much this social conditioning needs to change. The Jungle Gym approach, where anybody can be successful through one of the many routes, makes for really interesting reading because it does seem to be much more realistic than a ladder to success that only allows for one way up or down.

As a middle management executive, I am also guilty of feeling like I’m in a job where I’m not good enough for the job and may get fired as soon as they realise my incompetence. It was, in fact, Sandberg’s TED Talk that made me realise that I had been chosen because I was good at what I did or I wouldn’t have been given the job in the first place. Now her book made me realise that while it is actually possible to do it all, you are not a failure if you don’t. It has been a struggle for me to accept the person I am, and this ‘simplistic’ view of female executives was the perfect little first step in the right direction.

Sandberg’s blueprint for a more gender-equal workplace is an effective read about the small things we can do to change the attitudes of women entering the workplace. It is also a great tool of conversation about how mindsets need changing, right from the kitchen counters going outwards. Hopefully, I will live to see the day my niece will feel on top of the world about being a CEO even though her workers might not be crazy about her.

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Published by: Particular Books

ISBN: 9781846146992

Pages: 96

Price: INR 450

Some self-help books purport to tell you how to live your life, while others teach you how to manage your money. But once in a while comes a book that tells you the importance of enjoying life, of really being in touch with your inner self on a level that brings you pure joy. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert was one such book. But after reading The Sweetness of Life by Françoise Héritier, I finally understood how this concept of real joy could be experienced through words.

Héritier is Emeritus Professor at the College de France and usually writes books on anthropology. She got an idea to write a book about the simple things that bring about the ‘sweetness in life’ when her psychologist apologised for taking a ‘stolen’ holiday for a week.

This inspired her to think about who was stealing what? If he felt so guilty about living his life, didn’t it mean that it was work that was actually stealing his life from him? That it was work that was keeping him from experiencing the smaller things that make up the essence of life? So she asked him—and herself—one simple question: “How much time is left for the average person to enjoy those activities that are the sweetness of life?”

In the book, she writes about all the small and big experiences that amaze and astound her every day. From things like ‘collecting mulberries’ or ‘phone calls made with no reason’ or ‘feeling your heart leap’ to bigger experiences like ‘seeing a pair of lions silently cross the trail in moonlight’ or ‘seeing Fujiyama or Kilimanjaro’ or the slightly hedonistic ‘sitting in the sun in the Piazza Navona in Rome in February while you eat a rocket salad and drink a glass of Orvieto’.

While it’s easy to feel guilty about all the things you’re missing out in life, this book highlights the urgent need to pay more attention to the things around us that we take for granted. This book struck a chord with me because I remember how my first job in retail was depriving me of life. When I missed the birth, and the first birthday, of my younger niece—two moments that will never come back—I finally quit that job.

This beautiful, imaginative, evocative book is a wonderful, up-close look into the collage of our life. Its visual imagery gently teaches us to slow down, smell the roses, and feel the mystery and majesty that is our life.

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