When your child is a victim

Six-year-old Raghav’s parents moved to a new society a year ago. The boy quickly made friends in the building and enjoyed playing there, until 10 days ago. Now none of the children talk to him saying that ten-year-old Manish [who is somewhat a ‘leader’ of all the younger kids] has told them not to. After four days of no one talking to him, Raghav’s mother approached their neighbour’s seven-year-old who also said that he can’t talk to her son unless Manish ‘gives permission’. Raghav is devastated and even though his mother has tried to take him swimming and do other stuff three evenings a week, he needs and wants his peers as company instead of his mom. He has begun to show signs of utter dejection, and asks his mom, ‘Why does everyone hate me?’

The best one can do is talk to the bullying kid or his parents directly

Tackling a bully: approach one

In the situation, the best one can do is talk to the bullying kid or his parents directly. If you have the nerves, and think you can swing it, you could first, in front of all the kids [without your son present], just in passing stop by the bully and ask him nicely but in a firm, adult-to-adult way, whether he has asked the other kids to shun your son. If he denies it, then he looks less like a leader in front of the other boys, and you can swiftly and smoothly say, ‘oh, okay, everyone seems to have misunderstood’, and soon get your son down to play. And then watch how it goes. Hopefully things will get back to normal.

Tackling a bully: approach two

If the bully openly says that he has indeed asked the other kids not to speak to your son then you’re up against a real problem child.

In such a case, go to the bullying child’s home, and try to speak to his parents, stating that your son is younger, and new in the block and needs a little sensitivity. Hopefully his parents will show some understanding and be able to get their son to behave.

Bullies are a bore, and not brave or bold, is the message you will have to subtly send out—not just to your son, but to the other kids too.

Bullies are a bore, and not brave or bold, is the message you will have to subtly send out

Dealing with your own child’s nastiness

When we catch our kids being nasty and insensitive, we need to put in place a multipronged approach to getting them to reflect, unlearn some of their attitudes, and learn empathy.

Mrs Kapur was shocked to discover that her daughter and two friends in school were teasing a boy who is visually impaired. He has a severe squint and poor vision, but manages well in school. She just could not understand how and why it happened but was told that her daughter and friends began to call him all sorts of names and when he retaliated with some name-calling of his own, they began to spread tales that he stared at their chests.

The school the kids go to believes in a disability-inclusive mix of students, and they were punished at school, but her daughter seemed quite unashamed and even broke out into giggles while telling her parents what it was that she called him.

Her parents’ embarrassment at their daughter’s behaviour is quite understandable. Right now their daughter seems in a mood to not be receptive at all to any chastisement or any appeal to her emotional intelligence in this matter.

What they, as well as the school, could do on an ongoing basis is to involve a counsellor or person working in the field of emotional and social intelligence to come up with a programme for young people to be empathetic and emotionally intelligent. It is important that her parents not position this as ‘being more charitable’ or ‘full of pity and sympathy’—this kind of an attitude only further alienates children from those with special needs.

What their daughter needs to learn is where to draw the line with teasing, that is, when it goes too far and becomes cruel

The idea of disability-inclusion in schools is not just for other kids to learn how to include and work with the disabled, but also for the disabled to be integrated in the hurly-burly of ordinary school life–bullying, teasing, and everything else included. So it is not that the Kapurs need to teach their daughter to treat the visually impaired child with ‘kid gloves’ —that would be artificial and unfair to him too. What their daughter needs to learn is where to draw the line with teasing, that is, when it goes too far and becomes cruel.

Cultivate empathy in your child

Parents whose children are showing traits of nastiness should talk to their children about what it is that he or she doesn’t like about the boy that they tease. Two things could emerge-firstly, the child being teased has some traits or attitudes that irritates the teaser, which has nothing to do with his or her disability; in that case her parents could tell her that it is okay to not like him, but not okay to use his disability as something to trouble him with.

Secondly, the child genuinely has not developed the ability to be respectful and empathetic of someone’s weaknesses. If the latter is the case then his or her parents and the school will have to work on building in this important personality component. It’s best done without lecturing and punishing [as described in this case, she seems to find even that amusing], and better to work with a professional who will find ways to develop the idea of empathy in the child.

Making kids empathetic and sensitive to others is an on-going process and you have to find the right medium through which to do it. Her parents can start with having her watch educational and inspirational videos on the Internet [for example, TED talks by or on people with disabilities who speak about their lives, their fantastic achievements, the supportive and loving people around them]. A professional who works with fostering emotional intelligence can come up with many age-appropriate techniques and material that can be used either in the school as a programme with a bunch of kids together or with individual children.

Adapted from More ABC’s of Parenting by Gouri Dange. Published by Random House India. Price INR 199.

This was first published in the June 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Genuineness

Being true to yourself – nothing less, and nothing more – is an essential life skill if we are to bring up emotionally anchored and socially well-adjusted kids. Fake emotions, promises that you know you can’t keep, shallow compliments, false assurances, superficial and merely “convenient” relationships… all these behaviours are a sign of inauthentic living. While many people try not to be this way with their own kids, they feel free to be phoney with the outer world. This is bound to rub off on kids. Most kids have well-tuned radars for fakeness – at first they catch their parents out… but later, and which is much worse, they catch this kind of behaviour themselves, and lose contact with their inner core. To become more genuine, we need to bring some of our actions out in the light. Check how many times a day you tell little lies that make you feel better about yourself or make the other person feel good; check how many things you do just to appear warm, friendly, helpful, pious, generous, successful… the list is endless.

Consistency

A consistent parent comes across as a reliable parent because, being consistent also means a steady and committed presence in your child’s life. Consistency from parents helps children learn and accept boundaries and limits. Though children may sometimes protest wildly, a parent’s consistent response actually helps children feel safe. Parents keep changing their attitudes, moods, and the rules, and end up confusing the child. Having parents who are consistent in their thinking also helps kids learn cause-and-effect thinking, accountability and consequences, and a sense of continuity. However, consistency should never mean being rigid and unbending. Flexibility, though it may sound like its opposite, is an equally important aspect of being consistent. It means that you do have a firm and clear view of things, but are willing to listen, re-consider and change your view if needed. Being consistent is sometimes hard work – as a parent and as a person. It is a skill we have to keep investing in.

Detached attachment

To be interested and involved with your children, but not be anxiously caught up in their lives, is a fine balance. For this, it is important that a parent has his or her own life, pursuits, commitments and relationships – in short, to have your own internal resources. Too many of us tend to over focus on our children to the exclusion of everything else, as if they are our life’s “projects”. Not only does this put an uncomfortable and unreal pressure on a child [it’s like living under a microscope for her or him], it ultimately prompts children to find ways to avoid your constant gaze. Moreover, parents – especially mothers – who give up not just careers, but outside interests, friends, relationships, to become full-time parents and nothing else, end up having unrealistic demands of their children. Sometimes, it is un-stated and sometimes they come right out and say it: “I sacrificed so much for you, and look how ungrateful you are.” One of the biggest benefits of being your own person first, and then a parent, is that you are then able to guide your children and not pressure them as they grow. You will then continue to be a non-intrusive, but supportive presence even when they are all grown up.

Wonderment

People who have a sense of enthusiasm and joy in whatever the world has to offer are quite naturally able to transfer this sense of wonderment to their children. This is the deepest source from which flows creativity as well as simple day-to-day happiness. An ability to marvel at all of creation – nature, human relationships, discoveries, simple man-made conveniences and pleasures… all of this is possibly the best insurance against boredom, cynicism, depression and the kind of overall dissatisfaction that we see around us. Children of people who are filled with wonderment and a sense of curiosity themselves develop a sense of joy and involvement that is quite unaffected by whether there is money or not, whether there is “entertainment” or not, and whether there is applause or not. They are able to draw pleasure and fulfilment from the smallest things, and are then able to make creative, imaginative, dynamic and positive choices at every level.

Compassion

Compassionate people are not just those who give to this or that charity regularly – they are people who live in a zone of awareness about the other. They are thoughtful and considerate and are able to put themselves in another’s shoes. While this is a vital life-skill for us, why is it an important parent value? For several reasons. A compassionate parent is an empathetic one. He or she is able to discipline a child and “wield authority” – something that is required of a parent often – in a wise and appropriate way. He is also able to transfer to his child the ability to respect and love the world beyond its own self – to grow in a way to be able to “be there” for oneself as well as for others. From compassion flows empathy and from empathy flows a well-developed EQ [emotional quotient]. And most important, it teaches children to become part of the larger interconnectedness of life.

All of, these parenting values may exist in us from before – we may have grown up around parents and other adults who were rich in these attributes, and took the time and energy to transfer them to us; while some of us may have not had such good fortune. However, all these values can most definitely be imbibed, learnt, developed and honed in the process of preparing for parenthood.

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