I am one of those individuals. My husband is Hindu, from a conservative Tamil Iyengar family. I was raised attending the Catholic Church and said the Lord’s Prayer before bed every night. I still say my prayer at night; only now I wake up in the morning and light incense in front of my husband’s gods and play Vishnu Sahasranamam!

Our story

As a mixed family, we face a lot of questions from people who wonder how our marriage works, because we are from vastly different cultures and we are an interfaith couple. People are shocked when we tell them that we have actually never fought about religion. For us, religion has been one of the easier aspects of our relationship. I think this comes from the fact that both of us are very open-minded and not extreme when it comes to religion. We respect each other’s religions and attend both, the temple and the church. We celebrate both Christmas and Diwali, which fills our life with so much joy. My Tamil Iyengar in-laws celebrate Christmas with full-on Indian festival vigour. My mother-in-law once told me, “I never dreamed I’d be growing old celebrating Christmas, and that too, loving it!”

People are shocked when we tell them that we have actually never fought about religion

Choosing a religion for our daughter

People also want to know which religion we are raising our daughter in? To that I say: both. She is both Hindu and Catholic; just like she is equally Indian and Canadian. When she gets older, she may continue practising both, choose either one; or she may marry someone from a completely different religion and choose to practise theirs—it will be her choice and her path. We want to raise her with an exposure to many religions and cultures, not just our own, and with respect for all. Because of this, she mingles with everyone and fits in everywhere with ease. She is an open-minded global citizen, and we believe the world needs more of those.

Other interfaith families tend to agree with me. Cynthia [who is spiritual but not religious] married to a Hindu shares, “We never even felt the need to explain anything about religion to our daughter. She was a bit puzzled when one of her friends asked her if she was a Christian because she didn’t speak Hindi. She had no idea what that meant; yet, she is very clear about the fact that some people like praying differently than others. She just didn’t understand that she must be one thing or the other because we never thought of it ourselves.”

People also want to know which religion we are raising our daughter in? To that I say: both

There can’t be zero challenges

Not to say there aren’t challenges about being an interfaith couple. If you ignorantly belittle your spouse’s religion, or question their rituals condescendingly, you might hurt their sentiments, even if they are not staunch believers. Respecting your spouse’s religion is an act of love. Problems can also arise if one spouse is adamant that the other converts to their religion. The other spouse may feel cornered and like they have lost a part of their identity. Wendy, a Christian married to a Muslim says, “We put off our wedding date for three years because we were ‘stuck’ on if I should convert to Islam or not. His side said I had to, my side said I shouldn’t. This caused a rift that we kept ignoring but eventually had to face. It almost tore us apart because we were listening to others.”

Don’t wait till the child arrives

Other disagreements can arise if you want your child to be raised in only one religion. A Catholic friend of mine wanted to get her children baptised. This she had not shared with her Buddhist husband before they got married and had a child. He refused to baptise their child and she was upset about it because it was important for her to know that her children would go to heaven, in case anything bad were to ever happen to them.

Respecting your spouse’s religion is an act of love

Another Christian friend of mine did not want her child’s head shaved for the mundan ceremony that her Hindu husband wished to have. He had not prepared her from the beginning that this is something he would expect for their child. She fought with her husband over this, but had to give in as he was adamant about it. Finally she changed her mind a day before the ceremony and all hell broke loose.

You may not realise that these things can pop up after having kids. After having a child of your own, you may feel more strongly about participating in religious traditions.

If you are in an interfaith marriage and planning to have children, discuss with your spouse about the religious milestones that you would like your children to participate in. Speak about it up front, negotiate if needed and reach a common ground that you both are satisfied with. Belinda, who married a Sikh, had a mutual agreement with her husband that they wouldn’t make the other person celebrate something they weren’t comfortable with.

You may not realise that these things can pop up after having kids

Exploring your spouse’s religion

Learning about your spouse’s religion would give you more time to absorb the various traditions, and when the time comes, you may not feel so alien. Most of the religious traditions—like baptism or mundan—are harmless and are done out of love. Most traditions, in fact, turn out to be interesting and fun. Ashwin, who married a Jew, says “I find the Jewish stories fascinating and love attending the Passover seders. My Hindu mother reads a lot about Jewish culture and likes finding the similarities between Hindu culture and Jewish culture.”

Ashlee de, a Christian married to a Hindu, says, “We make it a point to put 100 per cent effort into both religions so that neither person feels slighted. Sometimes, the religions are just too foreign to us that we don’t understand why it is the way it is. Other times, it’s just funny. My husband’s first time at church, he took his shoes off under the pew because he felt so strange wearing shoes in a religious place. I often joke that my Hindu husband has become a better Christian than I am. We go to church every Sunday by his urging and he’s always getting us involved, whether it’s volunteering us for the welcome committee or signing us up to help the homeless. He’s even begun running a food donation programme at the church. Each week we even go to lunch with our church friends. They all know he is Hindu, and they love and accept him.”

Most of the religious traditions are harmless and are done out of love

Teaching your in-laws about your religion

When you are in an interfaith marriage, you also need to gently educate your respective families about your spouse’s religion. This can be difficult to do if a family is close-minded, devout, or disinterested in learning about a different religion. But chances are that if they agreed to your marriage, they will eventually come on board about religion too. Some families, however, can disown their children if they marry a spouse from a different religion. Says Catherine, who married a Sikh against her family’s wishes, “Most of my family disowned me for being with someone of a different religion… except my dad, who is a Southern Baptist preacher. I guess he practises what he preaches.”

It is important to always try to include your family in your religious traditions and explain everything carefully. Invite them for every religious festival and make sure they enjoy it. Take them to your place of worship, guiding them slowly and surely into this new and foreign world. Often, you may be the only connection that your in-laws have to that particular religion, so you should make it a positive experience. However, it is important not to be aggressive about it, and you have to learn about their religion too, equally.

I think there’s a lot to learn from interfaith couples who peacefully co-exist, respect each others religions and raise their children to understand, respect and celebrate all religions. If we can do it, then there is hope that others can too and that is one step closer to making this world a better place.

This was first published in the May 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Being in an intercultural marriage has been the biggest learning experience that I could have ever asked for… and I’m still learning. I’m a constant student, discovering bit by bit every day.

Is love enough to make an intercultural marriage work?

In the beginning, it was all about love [and it still is, in many ways]. But, as I got to know my spouse, I noticed that there was so much about his culture that I didn’t understand and that even he couldn’t explain to me. It was like that part of the moon which is hidden from the Earth. Naturally, I wanted to know all about it. It wasn’t just curiosity; it was respect. I think learning about your spouse’s culture is one of the highest forms of respect you can give them. I did this because I wanted to know what would make him feel more at home with me [since we were living abroad]. I wanted to bring the comforts of his homeland into our life together—whether it was the smell of sambar cooking, or the early morning incense. I wanted him to find his home in me. And I believe this changed me. And though I’m still that same Canadian girl, now I’m also a Tam-Bram wife…

The secret that made our mixed marriage work

Even while I was dating my husband-to-be, in the back of my mind I was always thinking about the future of our intercultural relationship. I wanted to know about my spouse’s culture, partly for the sake of our future children—what if they ask me questions and I can’t answer them? I needed to know things so I could explain it to them, and I knew it would take years to learn all the complicated intricacies of his culture and be able to understand it in my own way. I think it was our genuine interest to understand and learn about each others culture and traditions that paved the way for a successful relationship.

After I got married, my mother-in-law told me that in Indian culture, the wife is seen as ‘the keeper of the flame’, which means ‘the keeper of traditions’ and she told me she was proud of me and my interest in their culture.

In the beginning nobody thought we would end up together. They thought that because of our vastly different cultures, we wouldn’t be able to get along or sustain a lifelong relationship. But our love has kept us together.

Intercultural marriage and the extended families

Even though I started to learn about my spouse’s culture for my own reasons, there was a happy side-effect: I started gaining support in my spouse’s iron-clad, Indians-only family. Eventually, almost the entire Tam-Bram clan was won over. They liked how I respected their culture, how I asked questions. They liked how I wore a saree, how I cooked Indian food and how I respected the elders. Just like my husband, they too started feeling more comfortable around me. The fact that I was a foreigner became less obvious. By immersing myself in their culture, it served as a gateway for them to get to know me as a person. And what we all discovered was that beneath our perceived differences, we really weren’t so different after all!

Are intercultural marriages successful?

I’m often asked by other intercultural couples how I’ve successfully blended into my spouse’s culture. To the outside world, it may appear like we have blended effortlessly. But in reality, it has taken a lot of work on both sides. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and flexibility. You have to keep seeking and discovering because even when you think you’ve learned all there is, there is always more.

Tips to make your intercultural marriage a successful one

1. Immerse yourself in your spouse’s culture

You will learn most of the customs by observing and doing your own research. Many things will not be properly explained to you or they will be explained differently by different family members. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about anything and everything. Read books, watch movies, talk to both young and the old. Pay attention.

2. Make an effort to combine both cultures

Whether it is creating your daily menu, or celebrating holidays—do both with the same enthusiasm. I often plan a South Indian lunch and a Western cuisine dinner. We celebrate both Diwali and Christmas. Celebrate both cultures in little ways and big ways, until it feels natural in your daily life. Whoever said you can’t do both is wrong! It honours both of you equally and it’s more fun.

3. Bend traditions to fit your own life

Not all traditions are made equal. Some traditions are timeless, while others have no place in modern life. Be the engineer of your own life and choose which traditions not only speak to you, but also work for you. Don’t mindlessly practise a custom that doesn’t make sense to you.

4. Embrace the differences in your cultures

Instead of judging the cultural differences as right or wrong, view them as just a different way of life. Think of them as a learning experience. There will be specific cultural mannerisms that you don’t agree with—and that’s OK.

5. There will be misunderstandings

All couples have misunderstandings; but couples in an intercultural marriage tend to have more of them due to the differences in culture, language and ways of speaking. Use your misunderstandings as a way to communicate more—more communication is always a good thing.

6. Family is everything

Welcome each other’s families often into your home and visit relatives in your homeland regularly. It is important to spend time with family before they are gone, and learn all that you can from them. Knowing where your family comes from empowers you, and it’s something that future generations will cherish.

7. Don’t lose yourself

It is easy to get lost in your spouse’s culture. There will be times where it may seem to overwhelm you and make you feel claustrophobic. Always remember where you came from and stay centred. Find a happy medium between both cultures.

Final thoughts

Love changes us, it helps us grow. Being loved and loving deeply brings us on a higher plane. As we grow with love, it opens up our families too. Our intercultural love changed us for the better. Ditto for our respective families too!

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Not long after we fell in love, my husband had an accident and his body took nearly a year to heal. I had to take care of him while he recovered. That was the first of the many curveballs life threw at us. Then, we graduated college with no job prospects due to the economic recession. I worked three part-time jobs, while he fell into a terrible depression that lasted eight months. We moved cities and continents, four times within three years, with each move more stressful than the last. We fought with our families—often.

Then, I had a death on my side of the family, which uprooted us yet again to a different country—an impulsive decision that paid off in the long run. After the death of this family member, I suffered from depression for nearly a year, while my husband pulled it together and started his career. While everyone else around us was travelling, getting married and having children, we were just starting out. We worked and worked, we budgeted and stayed home and, five years later, we were finally able to pay for our wedding—so at last we said “I do”.

Then I got pregnant and fell so sick for the entire nine months that I had to completely stop working. We had our child and the upheavals continued! As I reflect on the past decade, there have been so many ups and downs already that I wonder what the next 10 years will bring or even the next 60 years… Keeping our marriage alive through all of these external struggles has definitely been a test of commitment for me and my husband.

Making your own happy ending

The truth is that there is no such thing as ‘happily ever after’. Things like job security, money, family, death, anxiety, moving and health can all affect your marriage. To add to those, you will be going through moments of different personal interests and common everyday disagreements. Certain stressors can affect their behaviour and moods, and you never know how long these periods will last. So yes, sometimes it may be hard to be with your spouse.

I tend to look at marital problems as a way of life, telling me that a certain area requires my attention. If I am having a hard time with my spouse, I take it as an indicator that I need to work harder at my marriage by introspecting, ever so gently. Sometimes life shoves couples on a whirlwind, away from each other. And being married for life—it is YOUR job to find your way back to each other and reconnect.

Here’s what you can do:

Remember why you got together in the first place

Even in the hardest times, you must get back to the source; that is, the way you used to be in the good old days. Remember what qualities attracted you to your spouse, even if they are now shrouded. Remember why you fell in love with her and the beautiful things she used to do. Reminisce—together if you can.

Spend quality time

I once read somewhere that an average couple only spends seven minutes of quality time together per day. Work and looking after the kids can distract you from your bonding time. Take the opportunity to look for moments of your togetherness where you can improve your reconnection. This could even be as simple as sharing a meal together and asking your partner how their day was. Or, when you are going to bed, turn off all devices and just be there with them. Spending quality time is all about giving your undivided attention to your partner.

Physical touch

There is nothing like physical touch to unite a couple because, in tough situations, sometimes there are just no words to say. A quick kiss as you go out of the door, a hug before bed, or even just an old-fashioned handholding does wonders.

Date nights

Never stop making the effort to date and woo your partner. Set up a weekly date night like going for dinner and a movie on a certain day of the week and stick to it—don’t cancel, even if you have been arguing. Spending quality time together will reconnect you faster, and more frequently.

No ‘problem’ talk

Everyone will say that you should communicate with your spouse, but you shouldn’t overdo it. If you are having issues, briefly speak of them and then give it a rest, do not nag them about it. You should not pollute your quality time with talking about all your problems, all the time.

Take time for yourself

Sometimes the best way to take the pressure off your marriage is to spend time with yourself so that you could work on ‘you’. In a marriage, it is so easy to give-give-give to the other person that you unconsciously start to resent them. You also need to ask yourself what you are bringing to the table for yourself and take an inventory of your needs.

No marriage is immune to life’s strains. In a long term partnership, you have to be able to ride the waves in the good times and the bad. Then you can weather any storm that comes upon you.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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