Why do children feel jealous?

Immediately after birth, an infant is dependent on the mother for all its needs—food, shelter and protection by means of cuddling, carrying and patting. This close bonding between the mother and child serves an important role for the child. It helps the child develop the capacity to trust. It’s the basis of the child’s attachment to the parents. If this bonding does not happen well, feelings of insecurity creep in. This may lead the child to becoming more clingy, attention-seeking or demanding. Behaviours like obstinacy, tantrums or fussiness while eating evolve. The insecurity may also lead to a low sense of self. Such children may feel that they do not have enough. Or, they are possessive of what they have and cannot share it. Both these situations create a fertile ground for the development of feelings of rivalry and jealousy as time goes by.

Do parents unknowingly contribute in generating jealousy in children?

The arrival of another baby in the house is often the beginning for a child to get distressed. When another baby is expected, most children are told that the new baby is for them to play with and care for. Once the newborn is home, there’s a sudden change with the parents becoming protective of the new born, often preventing the elder one from going near, touching, hugging or kissing. They do so because they want to be careful. This care, though important, often gets conveyed in the form of a scolding and setting limits, which confuses the child. It also makes her feel vulnerable as hitherto she has enjoyed undivided attention and pampering. The arrival of the new child may not prove to be the best of news for this little friend of ours.

Thus, unknowingly, parents do contribute to the development of jealousy among siblings. As children grow up, sooner or later some kind of comparison sets in. If the older one is mischievous, then she is asked to behave while the younger one gets concessions. To the older one, this is unfair and discriminative; it raises the question in her mind—“do they love me anymore?” or “because they have a new baby to play with, I am not loved anymore, I am not needed any more”; “all this is because of the young one—s/he has taken my parents away from me”. Jealousy takes root when parents are unable to involve the older child in managing the younger one and making the older feel important while caring for the younger.

Younger siblings too, don’t always get it easy. They are constantly required to measure up to the older sibling. If they don’t, parents constantly compare saying, “why don’t you learn something from your brother/sister”; “look at her, she is such a good girl, she listens to me. You are a bad boy/girl”. Here, the judgment of being a good child is based on the comparison with the sibling and hence the child is labelled as bad. It’s natural then for younger ones to think: “It’s because of her that I get scolded. Why should I become like her? Do you not love me the way I am?” Thoughts like these start gaining a foothold in the child’s mind and create negativity that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it gets noticed and reprimanded, which only worsens it. Unknowingly parents, under the idea of motivating the child, create a rivalry between the two. The one who is so-called ‘good’ gets a chance to tease the one that is so-called ‘not good’.

How to identify feelings of jealousy between siblings?

Some peculiar behaviours are indicative of the jealously children feel towards their sibling or other children.

1. They are unable to tolerate that parents are praising other children, including their sibling. They may throw a tantrum in such a case or may sulk saying that parents do not love them.
2. The child goes out of the way to point out the mistakes or negative points of those who s/he feels jealous of. At times, they could be fabricated stories.
3. Child is unable to tolerate losing at games. S/he may either leave the game midway or disrupt the game by throwing away things.
4. Such children leave no chance to show that they are better than others. For it, they may go beyond their usual capacity to please parents and display their superiority.
5. They may either behave extra-good or excessively mischievous—the sole aim is to get attention.
6. They may secretly or, at times, even openly display hostile/destructive behaviour towards the other child by pinching, hitting, hiding some important thing, tearing books or pages of the books or playing foul to cause some kind of harm to the other child. This may be discovered after some time and is a strong indicator of a deep-seated disturbance in the child’s emotional state.
7. At times, they withdraw and may minimise interaction with others. Feelings of sadness and jealousy may lead to depression. They may also become indifferent to the other child and stop caring for her.
8. Sometimes older children start behaving in a childish manner by sucking their thumbs, clinging to mothers and talking in a babble. This is done to attract special attention.
9. At times, children come down with physical symptoms like—bed wetting, recurrent fever or vague pains, which may not be easy to explain or diagnose. They do not do this intentionally. It is a psychosomatic reaction to the stress they are experiencing inside but are unable to voice.

How do parents deal with jealousy?

One cannot deal with jealousy; we have to deal with the child. Another important thing to remember is—punishments do not work, they only worsen the disturbance of the child and increase aggressiveness. Approach the situation thinking of it as a fresh opportunity to re-bond with the child. Here’s how you can help her cope with her feelings and teach adaptive methods.

1. Avoid comparison. Each individual is unique. Understand the child’s individuality, his/her strengths and weaknesses. Relate to the child as an individual rather than someone better or worse than others. Comparison between siblings or peers creates more negativity than motivation.
2. Show your love. Express your love for the first child even after the arrival of the younger one. It is important to continue hugging, kissing and praising the child even though it may need a little extra effort. This will pay great dividends later.
3. Take the child in. Involve the child in taking care of the younger sibling. Let her feel important and a part of the ‘elders’ that are responsible for the wellbeing of the little one. This automatically makes older children feel good and generates care and affection within.
4. Teach ways to care. Show the child how to be gentle with the baby rather than keeping her away. Supervise and monitor her while she handles the younger one. Trusting older children with the younger one early, teaches them to be responsible. If you find them doing something to the younger ones that you don’t like, make it a point to understand what they were trying to do rather than shouting in panic. Often children have a good reason for their actions, only they may not know how to go about them the right way. It pays to teach them correct ways of expressing care and concern.
5. Appreciate. It helps to praise their responsible behaviour. This boosts their sense of self and reduces the competition that they perceive from the other child.
6. Attend equally. Children in the house should be as far as possible given equal time and attention. If a child is too young or sick, you might tend to attend to her needs more and expect the other child to understand. If it is communicated well instead of taking it for granted, the other sibling feels responsible and helps in management rather than creating a problem.

This was first published in the June 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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How is it different?

Children learn to lie as they learn any other behaviour —from what they observe and from trial and error. They understand what works best to help them stay out of trouble. Sometimes there may be a motive behind the lying and at other times it may just be a play with imagination. You have reason to be alarmed if your child begins to lie about everything and anything. She is just unable to tell the truth. This habit becomes a part of her personality and starts to interfere with her relationships at school/ college, home and in society. As a rule, lying becomes more like a reflex than a well thought over response.

Compulsive lying requires special attention as it may be an indicator of other emotional disturbances that your child may be going through. Generally, children who develop this pattern of lying may be more disturbed than others their age. There are chances that they will develop behavioural disorders or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. In the absence of timely intervention it may also extend to personality disorders like anti-social personality disorders.

Children learn to lie as they learn any other behaviour —from what they observe and from trial and error

How lying becomes a habit

Lying proves to be beneficial to the child in many instances and hence reinforces her behaviour. It brings a certain kind of comfort and the child is able to escape the immediate stress of situations, albeit momentarily, thereby becoming an escape mechanism like an addiction, and similarly, just as difficult to give up. Speaking the truth may invite some discomforting experiences, so the child feels it’s safer to lie. One lie leads to another and thereby starts a series of lies in order to cover up the previous one. If the child is not stopped in the primitive instances, she may find this a convenient option and stick to it. Lying soon extends to manipulating situations and communication. Some of the factors contributing to this are:

Fear

This is the most common cause for lying. Escaping scolding or punishment is the reason behind this. Unfortunately, this also widens the gap in communication between you and your child. Harsh/corporal punishments and ill-treatment may push your child to lying. A lot depends on how sensitive your child is; some children who are over sensitive may resort to lying, even on being mildly rebuked.

Doubt

There are times when your child may want to tell you some thing but is not sure if you will receive it well. It could be because s/he is low on confidence and is not able to voice her/his feelings or opinion. You may have to go that extra mile to show your child that you can be relied upon. Persistent lying causes loss of trust in parents as well as the child’s friends, and this could further reinforce a negative self image in your child.

Harsh/corporal punishments and ill-treatment may push your child to lying

Assumption

Children often assume and believe that parents may always react to things in a negative manner and hence give up on speaking the truth much before the situation actually happens. The child’s fixed ideas may not allow her to share her feelings openly with you.

Habit

Sometimes your child may lie out of the habit of doing so; she may not have an apparent reason to manipulate, yet she may lie. Such children may care less about consequences and even have means to overcome them by clever manipulation. They are more likely to continue lying as adults and even take up anti-social activities.

Here are some indicators that can help you identify whether your child’s lie is compulsive:

Denial

The child refuses to accept the truth when confronted , “I don’t know who did this. I didn’t do it”. He may even falsely name someone else for the mistake in order to escape the situation. In children who lie out of compulsion, denial is seen almost in all situations irrespective of whether it is necessary or not.

Hiding the facts

The child may not share any information regarding certain situations that he is expected to. For instance, he may not tell the dates of exams in the school, “the teacher did not say anything”, “we do not have any home work today”, “they didn’t give us the corrected papers”. Parents may only find it accidentally from another child’s parents or if they happen to inquire at school.

Twist the truth

Here the child may not be very clear in the answers when you ask her. She may speak parts of the story and tweak some aspects as per her convenience and comfort, “I had gone to the laundry to get the clothes but I don’t know why it closed early”. She may not always have a valid explanation but she may seem very confident about what she says.

In children who lie out of compulsion, denial is seen almost in all situations irrespective of whether it is necessary or not

Exaggerate

This may commonly happen when the child is faking some physical distress like—abdominal pain, headache, or some other non specific thing that cannot be easily seen or verified. They may even make vivid stories of small discords in the school or at home to gain attention and special treatment from friends or family members. On verification you may find some truth to the story but the child’s version is definitely exaggerated.

Watchfulness

Children, who lie as a rule, are very alert and vigilant about things and people around them. They can be very intelligent and that is what helps them to manage their way through situations that they perceive as threats. This also makes them stay rather aloof and not make very close friends. The friends they make also have similar habits and interests.

Your role to help

One thing that does not help is punishment. In fact what does help is:

Patience

One has to be able to contain the ‘knee-jerk’ reaction of scolding or punishing the child. The emotions of anger and disappointment that surge within have to be contained before acting. This may be difficult, but is the most important thing as everything that is done or needs to be done, will be nullified if patience is lost. Being patient cultivates the ground to build a trusting and secure relationship.

Know the reason

Once you find out that the child is lying, try to understand the cause behind the child’s behaviour. It immediately prevents the negative feedback that inhibits the child from speaking the truth. He may see that you are ready to understand his reasons and are not as threatening as he assumes.

Empathy

Acknowledge and accept the emotional state of your child. This makes the relationship secure and opens up communication channels. Putting across conditions to acceptance tells children that they will be loved only if they behaved in a certain manner, and pushes them to lie and pretend to be as you wish them to be.

Be a friend

Work on building a relationship that is non-judgmental. Play games that involve sharing secrets; write letters to each other to communicate things that you do not want to discuss openly. In case there are issues that require confrontation, be gentle. Speaking the truth requires courage. By being gentle, you allow courage to build over a period of time. Remember, one only shares secrets with friends—not parents.

Model the right behaviour

It’s unfair to expect our child to not do what we do. We have to act in line with what we teach. Demonstrate to the child that you speak the truth no matter what. Otherwise the child may feel that her elders are only being authoritative and eventually everyone lies.

If, after all your best efforts, your child still continues to lie habitually, seek the help of a competent counsellor.

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