Anxiety

There are many emotional factors particular to perimenopause that can contribute to anxiety. When perimenopause hits, a woman is likely to suffer from anxiety as well as depression. Anxiety is a mental state where you worry too much—sometimes persistently—are nervous and tense. You can’t seem to shake off your concerns and worries about everyday events even though you know that your anxiety is unjustified. You can have difficulty concentrating and feel restless and irritable, which can sometimes lead to panic attacks. Changes in oestrogen levels have a direct effect on the neurochemicals that regulate mood. Hence, fluctuations in them can lead to anxiety. Other social factors, like worrying about your child’s exam results, may worsen this condition. Managing this condition requires a lot of family support and understanding, lifestyle changes and sometimes also medication.

Even for those women who are essentially happy and upbeat, things may change quickly and drastically when perimenopause appears. It’s a time of emotional distress. Because of this, they have more conflicts than usual with the people around them and that creates tension. At this stage, some women even go through a difficult time with their husbands sexually, which further aggravates anxiety. The problem may also be aggravated by caffeine, stress, thyroid problems, or heart disease.

Anxiety leads to palpitations or rapid heartbeats. It is a good idea to visit a physician and have a thorough check-up done if the heartbeat is faster than 100 beats per minute. If all your tests are normal, try yoga and relaxation techniques and avoid caffeine, colas, smoking and alcohol—these steps will help reduce episodes of palpitations.

Depression

Women over the age of 40 go through a lot of changes that can give rise to depression in them. This doesn’t mean that every woman over 40 will get depressed. But if your life was already stressful, the physical and emotional changes that typically accompany menopause may send you into a full-blown state of depression.

Depressive illness can make you feel exhausted, worthless, helpless and hopeless, and sometimes you may just want to give up. Women often suppress their need of autonomy, neglect their health, and fail to equip with skills, competence and self-confidence.

They may experience sadness, crying spells, sleeplessness or excessive fatigue, lack of interest in surroundings, neglect of self and display other signs of depression which may be as serious as suicide attempts. Treatment consists of lifestyle changes, exercise, yoga, support from family and friends and often anti-depressant drugs.

Mood fluctuations

Frequent mood change is the most common symptom of perimenopause. As a teenager, some of you may have cried at the drop of a hat. As a woman in your 30s PMS made you bite your best friend’s head off when she asked you how your day went. Or remember-that feeling of wanting to punch someone because they just wouldn’t shut up when you told them to? Well, that feeling is going to come back to you when you least expect it, in circumstances that may at times be classified as volatile. We’d all like to keep these episodes to a minimum, but perimenopause can sometimes make that seem like an impossible challenge. Perimenopause shares many of these symptoms with PMS. The difference is that PMS lasts only for one week, once a month, but perimenopause can last anywhere from 1 to 10 years. It’s no wonder that the overriding emotion women in their 40s feel is that of being overwhelmed.

And because you have to train yourself to cope with these feelings, perimenopause also results in a pretty drastic change in a woman’s personality. There are days when you don’t really know what is happening with you. You’ll find yourself annoyed by things that you never even noticed. I have had patients who are very disturbed by the changes that are taking place because they’re shocked by the fierceness of their irritability and the sharpness of their mood swings. Wild mood swings and increased irritability are linked to the sudden shifts in hormonal balance. These fluctuations in the levels of oestrogen, testosterone, and progesterone can occur when your body doesn’t get the right kind of support to maintain a natural balance. Sometimes, mood swings can take you high and you feel intense joy in everything around you. At other times, however, they can take you on a downhill ride with emotions such as sadness, anger, despair, anxiety, or fear.

A mental shift

40s are a time when many women find themselves at the peak of their career. While the 20s were spent trying to climb the ladder of success, the 30s were about consolidating your presence in the workplace. But it’s in your 40s, that it all comes together for you. This also means added pressure and stress.

For homemakers too, this is the time when they begin to assert their independence. By this age, a woman realises that time has passed her by and that she now has to make some changes in her life. Many women show a lot more independence now than they ever did. When they were younger, they were dependant on their husband or parents. There’s the feeling that they couldn’t do much to change their situation because the kids were too young. So if they are not happy in their relationships, this is the time that they assert themselves.

But that assertiveness can have a dark side too. I’ve noticed that for certain women, this phase brings out a side of their personality that was dormant for several years.

Let me give you an example. My husband and I have been friends with a couple for many years now. Theirs was a love marriage and they have two children who are in their teens. Ever since we’ve known them, this couple has been very happy. But about three to four years ago, I noticed a change in the attitude of the wife. A woman who for so long was happy to just be known as someone’s wife, suddenly was coming into her own. She seemed more confident and was very focused on her appearance. Whenever the two of us would meet for lunch, she’d only talk about how it was important to be your own person and that now she was keen to do things her own way. She had always been slightly plump, but now she was an active member at her gym and exercised regularly. She had become a completely different person from the one I had known for so many years. I was glad that she was happy with the changes she had made in her life, but was also taken aback by the aggression behind those changes. Soon after, her husband told me that she had been having an affair with a man she met at the gym, and that they were on the verge of separation.

After years and years of making adjustments to live according to how their husbands and in-laws want them to, during their 40s women realise that there’s more to life. The realisation that the person they have moulded themselves to be is not what they started out as can be very crushing. And then they feel a need to rebel.

One of the reasons for this is that women in their 40s often have a lot of free time at hand and don’t know what to do with it. If you aren’t a working woman, you may have a  ‘vacuum’ in your life at this stage. That’s why I always encourage women to work. At 25, if you aren’t a working woman, you may feel empty when you are older. Starting work at 40, when you have no skills or experience, is not easy! 40s is also the time when women try to reclaim old friends. Indian women tend to lose touch with their school friends after they get married. But suddenly, in their mid-40s, they reconnect with old friends because they have time on their hands. So now, a woman has a social circle of her own that’s not dependant on her husband.

That’s probably why, as I have observed, a lot of couples experience trouble in their marriage in their 40s. Whether they divorce or not depends on their individual mindsets as well as what their social environment allows them to do.

Anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “There is no greater power in the world than the zest of a menopausal woman.” The symptoms you feel through perimenopause ultimately influence your actions and reactions. Don’t let these symptoms define you during this stage of your life. The power to help yourself during this time lies with the best person—you.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing

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Women weep, men can’t

Women generally find that crying comes more easily, if often unexpectedly, particularly in the workplace. Societal norms and socialisation play a role in that women are generally given more breadth of emotion than men.

This freedom to express one’s feelings provides a release and therefore women also express more empathy and understanding.

Crying = vulnerable

Whether you are male or female, the workplace is not generally kind to those who cry. This expression of emotion is viewed as inappropriate. Crying can have a deleterious effect on performance evaluations, promotions, and your professionalism. For women, tears often make us look inept and result in feelings of incompetence. For men, tears often suggest an inability to ‘buck up’ and be strong.

Regardless of whether your organisation is viewed as cutting edge or traditional, we often mistake a humanistic corporate culture as tolerant of tearful displays. Women and men in leadership positions generally equate crying with vulnerability, and vulnerability is a negative attribution suggesting difficulty handling tough situations. These attitudes, values and beliefs are often reinforced in management training classes and MBA programmes.

Tears can be controlled

It is therefore necessary to un-learn and re-learn emotional and behavioural responses to events and interactions that trigger tears. Just as anger management workshops help individuals learn different and more appropriate responses to feelings of criticism, unfairness, disappointment and frustration, learning other approaches to feelings that often result in tears is also possible.

Developing alternatives to crying, even when tears are associated with positive outcomes, such as closing a big sale, or winning over a difficult client, requires necessary skills that broaden and strengthen our emotional and behavioural workplace repertoires.

Tips for controlling those tears

We must distinguish between our organisational behaviour that governs work, and our personal behaviour. Even with a significant personal event, the workplace always expects its staff to contain their emotions and soldier on. Let me give you a few guidelines on this regard:

Improve your self-awareness

To find an alternate response, you must first find out the cause of your tears. Sometimes it is anger; sometimes it is joy or relief. Time and energy is well spent on identifying your feelings as accurately as possible.

By distinguishing one feeling from another, you will start to express those feelings without tears. You will be less overwhelmed and more likely to develop alternative responses.

If, for example, you are avoiding anger, work on developing better assertiveness skills. If the feelings involve hurt, and you feel the sensation to start crying, take a few deep breaths. Try asking yourself, “What exactly is causing this hurt?” or “Will crying solve the problem?” Ask yourself, “What do I need to do to resolve this situation?” This thinking activity can help calm the emotions.

Anticipate situations

Emotionally-charged encounters can often be anticipated. It is extremely useful to spend time rehearsing various responses with someone else. Preparation can lessen the emotional intensity to various situations. Knowledge about a person or of a situation can be used to create likely scenarios.

Practise! Hearing yourself respond to what you think is likely to come your way will lessen your anxiety and defuse the fear, while increasing your confidence in responding effectively.

Have an optimistic outlook

We often cry when feeling overwhelmed with work, feel unrecognised, or anxious and fearful about our performance. If this is the case for you, remember crying will not resolve or improve any of these situations. First, recall something positive that has recently occurred in which you had a part.

Second, create a list of actual and perceived issues and problems contributing to your feelings. Third, contact a mentor, trusted friend, or business coach. Use them to assist in gaining a broader perspective. Optimism comes from having alternatives.

Few things in the workplace are life and death issues. Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen?” “Can I survive if this happens?” Most often things do work out.

Compartmentalise

If you find that your private life is causing overwhelming feelings and tears at work, consider your workplace a ‘safe space’; a diversion from issues causing the tears.

Compartmentalising your personal life from your business life, although artificial, can help provide a needed respite and a place to regain mastery and efficacy. We all need a break from sad, difficult and worrisome feelings that often result in uncontrolled emotions, so learning to create a space by focusing on other people or tasks at work helps restrain feelings that can lead to crying.

This is a skill men have perfected more readily than women. Remember, however, that being able to compartmentalise doesn’t mean you are unfeeling or uncaring. Rather, it means that you can have more control over your feelings leading to a sense of increased confidence.

Managing criticism

No one likes to be criticised. Both men and women are sensitive to what often feels like personal attacks from others at work. Although criticism is painful, crying doesn’t alleviate the sting. You can re-train your responses to criticism by learning ways to create a sense of calm. A good strategy is mindfulness. Practice basic breathing and relaxation techniques. This can slow down reactions to criticism, and help gain control over hurt feelings, and allow more clear thinking.

Redirecting your thoughts to the content instead of the criticism also helps manage hurt feelings. When your manager says, “This test should have been completed yesterday.” One possible response that focuses on the test and not the implied criticism might be, “I have already made sure that it will be completed by this morning.”

Recognise you’re human

Sometimes we just can’t help the tears. If it is unavoidable, say, “It is obvious I have strong feelings about this. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take this up later.” Or “As you can see, this is not a good time for me to address this issue. Give me a few minutes and we can continue our discussion.”

Go to a quiet place, collect yourself and employ one of the techniques recommended here. Do not judge yourself, as it only increases your sense of vulnerability.

Any one or a combination of these techniques will assist in effectively managing your tears in the workplace. Practising these suggestions will refine your ability to implement them when you feel like crying. Re-establishing your reputation as a composed, competent individual, occurs through accepting that we are all human.

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Whereas, a man’s angry reaction to the same event is attributed to circumstances outside of himself or beyond his control. In several studies, the relationship between anger, gender and status, both male and female evaluators conferred a lower status to angry women than to angry men. Men demonstrating expressions of anger over expressions of sadness are often perceived as more competent, but women demonstrating the same emotions encounter a negative reaction.

Dealing with prejudice

Anger is an emotional reaction to a real or perceived threat of some sort. It is a feeling accompanied by physiological changes in the body such as an increase in heart rate, flushing, headaches, or clenching our fists. It is our brain’s response to the threat of harm. Anger is ubiquitous in the workplace and gender-based perceptions due to socially prescribed norms, put working women in a difficult bind—they are often labelled as unreasonable, overly aggressive or out of control.

Workplace anger or disagreement does not include rage, but degrees of anger that develop out of ordinary interactions in the workplace. We can become mildly irritated over a fleeting annoyance or infuriated by a missed deadline. Even though anger is a common human emotion, we need to learn to manage it. Here’s what we can do.

Express, don’t suppress: Use assertive non-aggressive sentences to express disapproval. For example, “Joanne, I want you to stop making personal phone calls during work hours,” or “Kevin, I asked you to make arrangements for the meeting tomorrow, but I see that you have forgotten to reserve a room. This is the third time this month.”

Modulate your tone: Your tone of voice will have a lot to do with how someone hears your message. Being aware of how you sound—frustrated, distant, hostile, or mean—is important for a woman’s success at communicating anger.

Don’t under-react: Carefully balance tendencies to under react, which can result in coming across as completely unemotional or cold. To avoid the “angry woman phenomenon,” women have to offer a credible explanation for their anger. One very powerful tactic is to offer a couple of straightforward sentences about why you are angry. This mitigates the tendency on the part of others to fall prey to the stereotypical “character flaw” explanation for your anger.

Divert the energy: It is also helpful to use the energy generated by anger in a proactive way. When you are the recipient of a hostile customer, for instance, remain calm but do not condescend. Focus on solving the problem, not on giving in. Walk away or call for assistance when you feel the frustration rising. With others who annoy you, communicating by making eye contact, feeling as relaxed as possible, paying attention and keeping an open mind helps to channel your tension from anger productively.

Don’t be taken for granted: Businesswomen sometimes encounter situations where colleagues, particularly men, think they know what a woman is going to say. This can be upsetting and irritating. It can be quite effective in this type of situations to ask, “Would you like to have this conversation by yourself?” “Because I’m not feeling like you are interested in what I have to say.”

While rage is never acceptable at work, openly expressing anger or discontent in some situations is now viewed as preferable to repressing it.

Increasing your awareness of angry feelings helps you cope with them appropriately. Ask yourself what type of events trigger my anger? Is it a verbal attack, unfair treatment, impediments to reaching goals, or excessive demands?

Finally, redirect the energy produced by the angry feelings into some other activity. Dealing with anger productively also means having the ability to forgive and forget once you have dealt with your feelings and the situation that produced them.

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