Jason doesn’t particularly feel enthused at large cocktail parties, yet drags himself to one almost every Friday at his wife’s behest. “I can’t keep doing this,” he bemoans to himself. Every now and then, he voices his disgruntlement to his wife, who either ignores him or gives him an earful for being socially inept. As she doesn’t like going alone, Jason typically acquiesces, but a malaise within him festers.

Like Minal and Jason, many of us suppress facets of ourselves due to externals pressures, be it a job or a spouse. Stephen Joseph, professor and psychologist, spells out the importance of cultivating authenticity in his book, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters. Being authentic, he says, involves living your life in accordance with your own values, beliefs, inclinations and aspirations. It’s a continual process rather than a destination, wherein you need to know, own and be yourself “from moment to moment,” says Joseph. If what you “do, think and feel” are in sync more often than not, then you are paving the path for an authentic life. How we choose to spend our everyday moments is what authenticity is all about.

Our Choices Reflect Our Authenticity

If our fundamental psychological needs are fulfilled, then people naturally aspire to be the best or idealised version of themselves. Life is full of choices and decisions, from the mundane to the momentous. It is these choices, both the trivial and the significant, that reflect our authenticity.

Joseph cites the work of Carl Rogers, one of the leading figures of a humanistic approach to psychology, who believed that authenticity entails being in control of one’s life as opposed to being controlled. So, by and large, do you make choices that are in line with the person you think you are or aspire to be? Are you able to express your views and feelings with the people you are closest to without feeling belittled or threatened?

Don’t get this wrong. Authenticity does not imply that you care only about yourself and disregard the opinions and feelings of others. But when you make compromises, you do so without feeling diminished. When you do give in to others, you are in control of your decision as opposed to feeling coerced by them.

Authentic people also take ownership of their mistakes. But instead of ruminating over their missteps, they move forward by learning from them, and may even reframe their goals if required.

Knowing the Self Is Key to Being Authentic

To lead an authentic life, we really have to know ourselves at a deep level. Instead of blindly obeying the nonstop mental commentary that plays out in our heads, Joseph exhorts us to connect with “our own inner voice of wisdom.” We are all imbued with our “own unique set of potentials” within us. The late American psychologist Abraham Maslow put forth a theory of human motivation based on a hierarchy of needs. People who attain self-actualisation —the topmost rung of his pyramid—use their talents and abilities for tasks they are “best fitted for.” Healthy development involves getting to know and using our unique constellation of strengths in constructive ways.

Further, as humans have an innate need for affiliation with others, our authenticity, or lack thereof, is also a function of the quality of our relationships, especially our closest connections. If we feel accepted and loved unconditionally for who we are, we are more likely to thrive. In contrast, if we feel hemmed in by family members or bosses or by social strictures, we are unlikely to fulfil our potential.

People who are “alienated from themselves” are often confused about who they are and what their emotions are signalling. As a result, they tend to do what pleases others or try to meet societal standards without necessarily cultivating their own internal compass. We need to be able to listen to and understand our contradictory thoughts, complex feelings and gut instincts.

Being Authentic Brings Greater Happiness

If you are being inauthentic most of the time, wherein your words and actions don’t reflect the person you feel you are or capable of being, then you are likely to experience “inner psychological tension,” which can be insidious in the long-run. Many psychological problems also stem from people living lives that don’t resonate with their true selves.

Research reveals that happier people score higher on authenticity than their more sullen peers. Joseph points out that being authentic doesn’t necessarily protect you from the vagaries of life, but by anchoring you with meaning and purpose, it helps you deal with setbacks and misfortune with greater equilibrium. He cites the research of an Australian nurse Bronnie Ware who found that patients on their deathbeds most often regretted not having lived “a life true to oneself.” Don’t let that be you.

The post Why Being Authentic Is the Key to Happiness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The great inventor Thomas Edison was known to be a workaholic who regarded social gatherings such as formal dinners and parties as a waste of time. On one such occasion, feeling bored in the company of dull people, he resolved to escape to his laboratory at the first opportunity. Just as he was about to walk through the door, the host of the dinner appeared. “It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison. What are you working on now?” asked the oblivious man. “My exit,” replied Edison.

Edison clearly knew his priorities and abided in them. To him, his work made him happy. In fact he once said, “I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.” Not surprisingly, he spent a significant amount of his time working, accumulating in his lifetime more than 2000 patents for his inventions. But most people are not so sure about their priorities. They have been conditioned to embrace social ideals, which they often accept and embrace as their own values. Then, when happiness eludes them, they wonder why. The answer is simple—they are not living authentic lives.

An authentic life is one in which you are guided by an inner conviction. Your thoughts and actions are aligned to your natural inclinations. Such a life is characterised by lasting joy, a feeling of freedom, extraordinary vitality and, most of all, a sense of effortlessness. “Is such a life possible?” you ask. Absolutely, and best-selling author and human behaviour specialist Dr John Demartini tells you how in the lead story this month.

The key to living your best life lies in determining your highest values and letting them steer your decisions and actions. True values are like fingerprints—each individual has a unique set of them. “They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you, and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling,” says John adding, “Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pattern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you.”

Once you understand how alignment to your values determines the quality of your life, you must identify your highest values. John has created a six-step process to help you discover your personal values, which is presented after his article. I urge you to spare some time and complete this very meaningful exercise, at the end of which you will know which of your beliefs have been blocking your rightful happiness from you.

No matter what your values, once you know what they are, you will never again waste your time living by other people’s standards. Like Edison, you will simply exit any situation that doesn’t line up with your values.

The post September 2015 issue: For lasting joy, align with your highest values appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.