Within 15 minutes of your child falling asleep, he enters his deepest sleep of the night. This period of slow wave sleep, will typically last from 45 – 75 minutes. At this time, most children will transition to a lighter sleep stage or will wake briefly before returning to sleep. Some children, however, get stuck—unable to completely emerge from slow wave sleep. Caught between stages, these children experience a period of partial arousal.

Partial arousal states are classified in three categories: sleep walking, confusional arousal, and true sleep terrors.

These are closely related phenomena that are all part of the same spectrum of behaviour. Sleep terrors are more common in boys and less common after age seven.

How long do night terrors last?

Most often, a confusional arousal will last for about 10 minutes, although it may be as short as one minute, and it is not unusual for the episode to last for a seemingly eternal 40 minutes.

Are these similar to nightmares?

Nightmares are quite common, occurring in about 60 per cent of children in the preschool years. You won’t become aware of your child’s nightmares until after she awakens and tells you about them. They are scary dreams that usually occur during the second half of the night, when dreaming is most concentrated. A child may be fearful following a nightmare, but will recognise you and be reassured by your presence. She may have trouble falling back asleep, though, because of her vivid memory of the scary dream.

What does it mean if your child has confusional arousal?

When most people speak of sleep terrors, they are generally referring to what are called confusional arousals by most paediatric sleep experts.

Confusional arousals are quite common, taking place in as many as 15 per cent of toddlers and pre-school children. They typically occur in the first third of the night on nights when the child is over-tired, or when the sleep-wake schedule has been irregular for several days.

A confusional arousal begins with the child moaning and moving about. It progresses quickly to the child crying out and thrashing wildly. The eyes may be open or closed, and perspiration is common. The child will look confused, upset, or even “possessed” [a description volunteered by many parents]. Even if the child does call out her parents’ names, she will not recognise them. She will appear to look right through them, unable to see them. Parental attempts to comfort the child by holding or cuddling tend to prolong the situation.

True sleep terrors

True sleep terrors are a more intense form of partial arousal. They are considerably less common than confusional arousals, and are seldom described in popular parenting literature. True sleep terrors are primarily a phenomenon of adolescence. They occur in less than one per cent of the population. These bizarre episodes begin with the child suddenly sitting bolt upright with the eyes bulging wide open, and emitting a blood-curdling scream. The child is drenched in sweat with a look of abject terror on his or her face. The child will leap out of bed, heart pounding, and run blindly from an unseen threat, breaking windows and furniture that block the way. Thus true sleep terrors can be quite dangerous, in that injury during these episodes is not unusual. Thankfully they are much shorter in duration than the more common confusional arousals of the pre-school period.

The tendency toward sleepwalking, confusional arousals, and true sleep terrors often runs in families. The events are frequently triggered by sleep deprivation or by the sleep schedule’s shifting irregularly over the preceding few days. A coincidentally timed external stimulus, such as moving a blanket or making a loud noise, can also trigger a partial arousal.

Interestingly, a study published in The Journal of Pediatrics in January 2003, showed that children who have recurrent partial arousal states may also have other sleep disorders [including sleep disordered breathing and restless leg syndrome] that may benefit from a physician’s care.

How does one treat night terrors?

Treatment usually involves trying to avoid letting the child get over-tired, and keeping the wake/sleep schedule as regular as possible. When an event does occur, do not try to wake the child—not because it is dangerous, but because it will tend to prolong the event. It is generally best not to hold or restrain the child, since her subjective experience is one of being held or restrained; she would likely arch her back and struggle all the more. Instead, try to relax and verbally comfort the child if possible. Speak slowly, soothingly, and repetitively. Turning on the lights may also be calming. Protect your child from injury by moving furniture and standing between him or her and windows. In most cases the event will be over in a matter of minutes. True night terrors, or bothersome confusional arousals, can also be treated with medications, hypnotherapy, or with other types of relaxation training.

Recently, my youngest son was having a confusional arousal, and his mother observed that these events are most common at the same ages that children are becoming aware of the bladder feeling full during sleep. Perhaps some of these kids just need to go to the bathroom? We stood him in front of the toilet, and he urinated, still not awake. The episode faded abruptly, and he returned to sleep. The calm was dramatic.

Was this a coincidence? Or might this be a revolutionary new help for parents whose kids have these frightening episodes? I have sat with my children through confusional arousals, and know how powerfully these episodes tug at a parent’s heart. Just understanding what they are [normal childhood sleep phenomena that children outgrow—not a sign of maladjustment or the result of bad parenting] helps tremendously.

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It took every ounce of mental prowess that I could muster to stop myself from running towards him. As any parent would be, I too was torn; after all, he was my son. And I was a duty-bound father who had sworn to protect him at any cost. But I didn’t move. Part of it was instinct and the curiosity to see how far he would go. Another part of it was the fact that I wanted to prove my wife wrong. You see, she always believed that I was a helicopter parent and that unless I let our son do certain things on his own, he would never learn. And while I vehemently voiced my displeasure at being boxed with such a tag, I knew it was true to some extent.

But little did I know, that in my endeavour to show her that I could let go, my toddler would end up teaching me some important life lessons as he went about his playground adventures. Over the past two years, every time that I’ve accompanied my son to the playground, I’ve had the opportunity to see some of life’s greatest lessons being inadvertently demonstrated by these little ones.

Today, I’d like to share a few of them with you.

1. Friendships are simple, uncomplicated and come in all shapes and sizes

My son was all of 18 months when the above incident happened. Up until that point, he’d been to the playground a few times, but we were his only friends. This would have been the first time that we had let him venture into the sandbox without us for company. I was petrified. Most of the kids were elder and larger than him, and seemed to be oblivious to his presence. But he surprised me. He nonchalantly strode into the sandbox and, within seconds, had started a conversation [in toddler speak] with another toddler of the same age. All it took was a smile.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step. Why not just break the ice with a smile and a hello, like he did? Simple, isn’t it?

2. Failure is not defeat

Have you ever seen a kid give up? If I’m honest, I have lost count of the number of times my son has been unsuccessful in climbing the jungle gym or pulling himself up the monkey bar on the playground. In fact, I’ve often felt my heart beat like a set of percussion drums when watching him jump from one bar to another and land face first on the sand. But he dusts himself up and tries again. And again. And yet again. With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option. With us adults, all it takes it one failure to make us feel low.

As adults, we often get tongue tied and are unsure of how to take the first step

3. Fight, forgive, forget. Repeat

Ever think that arguments and fights are adult-only territories? In fact, I see kids fight a lot more with each other than adults probably would. But there’s a big difference. As adults, we tend to take a more “cold war” like approach to it. Kids on the other hand are brutally honest and tend to talk it out a lot more easily than we adults seem to do. I’ve found even my three year old embroiled in a “war of tantrums” with similar aged kids. But minutes later, once all the crying is done, they are back to being friends. The ease with which they forgive, forget and move on is nothing short of a miracle, and we adults could definitely take a leaf out of their book.

4. Dirt is good. Literally

I often spot my son and his merry band of other three-foot-tall toddlers, fervently digging in the strangest of places—from the sandbox to the bushes that surround the playground. While I’m not entirely sure what they’re searching for, they seem to enjoy getting their hands dirty. And often it leads to the most unexpected discoveries. The other day they found a limited edition Hot Wheels car; one that had not been manufactured for almost half a decade. Needless to say, they were very excited and there was some pushing and shoving, with each wanting to keep it. [But hey, that’s where point three comes handy.]

Of course, the lesson for us adults isn’t to literally go dig in the mud; the essence is not to be hesitant to get our hands dirty and to try something new. We are often so set in our ways and hate to move out of our comfort zones that we rarely risk trying something new. Who knows, you might find an alternate career, much like I did.

With children, no matter how many attempts it takes or how many times they fail, defeat is never an option

5. Of sharing, patience and turns

I’ll admit it. I’m a rather selfish person at times. In fact, there are even times when I refuse to share food with my wife. But, if you ever spend a few minutes observing some of these toddelrs at the playground, they can put you to shame. Yes, they have their moments of “This is mine!”, but largely they share their toys and play. All you need to do is ask nicely. Patience is another virtue that they all seem to pick up, while waiting for their turns to use the swings or climb up the ladder to the slides. Somehow, as adults, we seem to value these traits a lot less.

6. Anything can be useful; if you can imagine it to be

As an adult, you pick up that broken branch in your path and toss it away as waste. Kids pick it up and see possibilities. And an infinite number of them, at that.

A mound of dirt can be a castle and dew drops on the leaves can be jewels; the swings can be rockets that propel them to the skies while the broken branches of those trees could be swords.

What these toddlers, with their almost limitless creativity and imagination, teach us is that from time to time we must look outside the confines of the boundaries that we have boxed ourselves into. They teach us that there’s beauty in everything; you just need to clear your mind to see it.

But perhaps the most important life lesson that we could all learn from kids at the playground is that sometimes we just need to take things a little slow. In our bid to survive, save and secure a future for ourselves and our kids, we often forget to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of those little things.

And often, it is perfectly okay to fall flat on your face and ask for help when you get stuck.

But most of all, we need to realise that all of these little lessons will come handy when we’re tackling that large playground called life.

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