Like many teens, Derek is undergoing an identity crisis. Think back on your own teen years and chances are you’ll recall a time filled with fresh anxieties; a time of great highs and lows when you regularly wrestled with emotions that you couldn’t comprehend.

During the teen years surges in hormones and changes in brain chemistry repeatedly produce psychic tension, conflicting impulses, and labile moods. For example, teens often grow angry, impulsive or sad without understanding why. They may hastily rebel against restrictions or abruptly distance themselves from their parents—all the while longing for their love and approval.

What can parents do to help their teenager through this volatile period? How can your strengthen and enhance your teen’s new emerging identity?

Here are five guidelines that I have found to be most helpful to teenagers navigating choppy waters.

1. Encourage cardio workouts

Teenagers have more feelings than words, which causes them to store a great deal of emotional tension in their body. As internal pressure builds, it erupts in psychosomatic symptoms such as body aches, obsessive behaviour, sleep difficulties, or worse, drug or alcohol abuse. Exercise does more than discharge physical tension; studies have shown that a cardio workout for 30 minutes three times a week, can lower anxious and depressive symptoms up to 70 per cent. It reduces stress hormones, boosts endorphins [the feel good hormones], and strengthens the immune system, so teenagers can think clearer and relate better.

2. Hone their talents

Help your teenager develop his or her unique talents such as playing an instrument, making art, or excelling at sport. As teenagers develop such creative habits and abilities, they experience a surge in self-esteem and confidence. They see themselves as capable and original. Most importantly, they learn that practice and tenacity lead to personal victories.

3. Tell them about their roots

Studies show that when teenagers have knowledge of their family history, it strengthens their developing identity and self-worth. Understanding family history serves as a gateway to understanding themselves and their community. Family narratives also empower teenagers with a foundation for introspection which is why research indicates that teenagers that have a detailed knowledge of their family history and roots display higher levels of emotional wellbeing.

4. Seek mentors for them

Teens crave positive relationships with adults outside of their immediate family, such as teachers, coaches or other community leaders. Such influential adults support a teenager’s drive for independence and hunger for a maturity. Too often, young people feel adrift. Unsure of their future, they combat internal feelings of emptiness and indifference. Mentorship inspires them by strengthening their personal value and providing an opportunity to be in the company of inspiring and approving adults. As they internalise their mentors’ confidence in them, they develop self-assurance.

5. Provide academic support

If your kid is struggling academically, he may have an undiagnosed nonverbal learning disability [NVLD]. NVLDs are under-the-radar learning difficulties that affect the way teenagers process information, such as problems with attention or concentration, auditory difficulties, number sequencing etc. Such learning difficulties result in low or failing grades that devastate a teenager’s self-image and morale. NVLDs often appears around the time of high school when work becomes more demanding. An educational evaluation can identify these struggles and provide teenagers with academic support so they can succeed in school.

Every teenager wrestles with identity issues. The more positive support they receive from their parents and community, the better equipped they are to win the battle with themselves.

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One day, a professor in biology class in school got a butterfly cocoon to class and kept it on his desk. It was in full view of every one and he instructed the class to observe the cocoon carefully and not to disturb it in any way. He left the class soon after. Before leaving, however, he repeated his instructions. During the time the professor was gone, the shell started vibrating and slowly a crack appeared in it. Excited, the class came in for a closer look. Slowly the crack spread and the wings of the butterfly appeared. The butterfly was struggling to break free and seemed to be having a tough time doing it. One child, taking pity on it, went forward and broke the shell, freeing the butterfly. The butterfly quivered around for a few seconds and then fell dead on the table.

The whole class was shocked and in despair they sped to call their teacher. The teacher was neither surprised nor angry. He calmly asked to be told what had happened. The child who had broken the shell stood up and explained his actions, that he could not bear to see the butterfly struggling and wanted to help. Once he was done, the teacher patiently explained how the struggle for release was part of the birthing process and essential to the survival of the butterfly. The child in his eagerness to help had only caused the insect to lose its life.

Your children are like this butterfly and the child helping it in the story can easily be replaced in real life by our parents. Some parents I have seen just can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily. If you are rich then you’ll probably think, “What the heck, I can afford it,” and of course no one can bear to see their child unhappy even for a nanosecond. This is natural. The moment the child’s face drops, it’s an invisible command to the parents, who feel obliged to dig into their pockets for some monetary compensation.

Some parents can’t resist the urge to go rushing in to help their child or to give in to their teen’s demands all too easily

They open their wallets and surrender their credit cards to the child’s whims and fancies. They end up making the store owners richer and spoiling their child’s life. If only some parents knew better.

Your teen is as responsible as you allow him/her to be

The results of my survey across several schools and colleges reveal that teenagers are neither as helpless nor as thoughtless as they are often made out to be. They are, on the contrary, quite mature, despite their constant demands and whimsical behaviours. The question asked in the survey was:

When you make demands on your parents, reasonable or unreasonable, what should your parents do?

1. Parents should comply and meet with every single demand that I make because I know what is best for me.
2. Parents should comply with only those demands that they feel are reasonable.
3. Parents should comply with demands in accordance with their budget.
4. Parents should not comply with any of my demands.

Parents would be relieved to know that 77 per cent of teens opted for option ‘b’. Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart. So next time you are plagued with, “Buy me this or buy me that,” tell your teen you will think about it and let her/him know later. If it appears to be a wasteful expenditure tell her/him that. Chances are that it is a fleeting fancy and s/he also will forget about it.

Be assured, your self-centred and demanding brat is actually a reasonable and mature individual at heart

Why we ‘actually’ want what we want

While on the one hand there are teens who love to shop, there are others, like me, who detest entering stores to buy things, especially when accompanied by parents. I am in odium of the very act of wasting so much time. However, one needs to buy things and thus the trip to the mall. But as a teen who knows how to get his way, I ensure the trips don’t last long and take minimum effort. What I do is employ a simple tactic of pestering my mother to buy me things. So at every shop she wants to visit, I find myself something worth buying, but not something I need or even want. The result is that by the time we reach shop number three my mom is quite tired of saying no and wary of when I might kick up a scene [which I almost never do]. In the end, she just says, “Okay let’s quickly get our things, it’s getting late.” So we buy what we wanted to buy in the first place and make a hasty exit. Mission accomplished. This tactic, although hard on my mother I admit, works better than nagging her to be quick about her window shopping and it also saves me from some scolding.

While my story does demonstrate the will of any average, intelligent teenager, it also tells parents that we don’t always want what we are asking for. Hence, it is usually quite easy to dissuade us, if only you would give it a shot. If you are a parent who has allowed yourself to be bullied by the selfish monster at home, the future looks rather bleak. Most likely you will find the apple of your eye incapable of working and unable to survive amidst the fierce competition that exists in the workplace. When this kid grows up, s/he is yet to realise that the world is not as obliging or ever ready to shower money, clothes and gizmos on him/her as his/her parents. S/he will learn eventually, but the hard way. Please do your teen a favour and save him/her all this trouble. Poor souls, if only the indulgent parents hadn’t given in to every fanciful wish, life would have been easier for them! Giving a kid those fancy toys that are soon lying in the trash will seem pretty pointless in retrospect.

What to do when your teen makes a demand

We teenagers can sometimes make your life miserable and that’s why I am sharing my thoughts with you. Many a times I am as difficult as I can be with everyone around me. This is especially when I spy an irresistible pair of Air Jordan’s or those sparkling Nikes on the shelf, which look so enticing that it’s unfair. I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf. Or a PlayStation 4 or an Xbox 360 or other stuff of which teenage fantasies are made.

I may still be wearing my last Nike purchase, but that will not deter me from wanting the pair on the shelf

So, what is the best way for a parent to handle it?

Assess whether your teen’s demand is practical and necessary. Evaluate the situation yourself. Understand the product and its usage. If the demand is based on a whim that your child would forget about in three days, then there is no point in spending thousands over it. Say a firm “No!” Do not get angry or shout at him/her. Tell him/her politely that it is out of your range and you won’t be able to buy it. If s/he really desires a product, you can set a goal for your teen to achieve and give the desired object as a reward for achieving the goal. However, a word of caution, never promise something that you don’t intend to give.

Always think of the butterfly, keep targets and encourage your teen to achieve them. That way everyone is happy—you, the teen, and probably the salesman. It’s always Christmas!

However, life is not a piece of cake or a bed of roses. When you develop your child’s ability to struggle, you are preparing them for success, and once your teen stops expecting things to just drop in his/her lap, s/he will learn to work.

Adapted with permission from Teenage Blues, Parenting Clues by Anjaneya Mishra. Published by Jaico Books

This article was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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1. Listen to your teenager

The best thing you can give your teenager is your time. Aim for a minimum of 30 minutes of quality time per day. If you cannot give her your attention when she wants it, set aside a time for her later in the day and keep your appointment. When you listen well, you will be more likely to identify illogical thoughts, generalisations and potentially dangerous decisions your teen may be contemplating. Stop your internal chatter and keep your mind completely on her words. By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship.

2. Praise your teenager often

You have the ability to ‘make or break’ your teenager, simply by how you treat him. When a teenager is praised often, he is more likely to experience high self-esteem, which is a foundation of self-confidence, increased motivation, better decision-making, improved relationships and self-respect. Poor self-esteem often leads to self-criticism, doubt and confusion about one’s abilities and life. By seeking opportunities to praise your teenager, you are actively improving his self-perception. The importance of praising your teenager cannot be overstated.

3. Accept your teenager

Encourage your teenager to be independent by allowing her to make decisions in areas such as sporting interests, hobbies and clothing styles. By allowing her personal freedom, you are increasing her confidence. [Decisions regarding schooling and general safety are best left to parents.] Avoid being the co-dependent parent, who lives ‘through their child’, obsessing about your teen’s obstacles and successes like they were your own. It is not realistic to expect your teenager to always conform to your expectations. She is more likely to succeed in life when she is being herself, following her own path—so encourage her to be autonomous.

By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship

4. Educate your teenager

Research tells us that the male human’s brain is not fully developed for processing danger until he is approximately 24 years old, so in many ways, you are the voice of reason. Keep talking to your teenager about key areas like drugs, alcohol and sex. Try not to overreact if he comes home from a party where alcohol or drugs were taken. If you ban him from parties forever, he may avoid discussing his concerns with you again. Be calm, and ask him about the drugs or if he consumed alcohol and then educate him on the dangers these substances. One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything.

5. Understand your teenager’s world

Teenagers often live with fears and challenges that may be different from your own. They feel great pressure to be accepted by their peers, making them highly susceptible to outside influences, which impacts their decisions and priorities. This focus on friends causes some parents to feel pushed aside. Teenagers are challenged physically and emotionally: their bodies are busy supporting dramatic growth spurts, while their minds are trying to cope with hormone-fuelled moods. To make matters worse, many teenagers are exposed to negativity and trolling on social media and other websites that make them feel helpless and overwhelmed. Add to this the pressure felt by many teenagers to meet their parents’ or teachers’ expectations. To escape, or experiment, some teenagers try drugs or alcohol, further complicating their lives. You can make your teenager’s life easier by getting to know, and understanding, his or her struggles.

One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything

6. Don’t alienate your teenager

Your relationship with your teen is the benchmark for all her future relationships, so ensure that this relationship is based on mutual respect. You need to trust her, but this trust must be developed. If your teenager tells you that she is going out, let her know that she needs to call or text you, if plans change. If she does not make contact, consequences need to be enforced. Avoid resorting to unconstructive criticism, name-calling, yelling, swearing, giving the silent treatment, trying to dominate or making irrational threats that you never carry out. Such tactics will only result in drama and unhappiness, and will fuel her rebellious streak. Create an environment for your teenager that includes love, respect, healthy boundaries, and consequences, for their safety, wellbeing and for the benefit of the household.

7. Watch over your teenager

Your teenager may no longer want to socialise with you, and instead may spend hours alone with his cell phone or on the computer in his bedroom. While teenagers need their space, watch out for any abnormal changes. If your teenager avoids any conversation with you, or her sleep patterns or eating habits change, or she seems socially withdrawn, then seek professional help with a counsellor or psychologist. Your child is at a vulnerable age where depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviour tend to develop. Educate yourself on the signs of distress and watch over your teenager closely.

If you are feeling left out and frustrated by your teenager, take a step back and consider how fragile teenage years are. Your teenager may feel uncertain about her future, as she tries to discover who she is and what she wants from life. She will benefit greatly from your time, friendship, acceptance, support and love. Your teenager is a soul given to you on loan. Your role is to educate, praise, love, and get to know your teenager’s world. The way you treat her today will impact her future for better or worse.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Having said that, it can be a challenging time for parents when they have to adapt to a child who suddenly seems to want their own space—it can leave them wondering why they are being pushed out. However, allowing your teenager privacy helps them to learn how to self-regulate, how to make more independent decisions and helps them along the path towards becoming an adult who can survive in the world without the constant need for their parent’s reassurance.

Top tips for dealing with your teenager’s need for privacy

Tip 1 Give them as much private space in your home as possible

If possible, allow them to have their own bedroom [with a door!]. If this isn’t possible, find a private corner in a part of your home for them where they have a lockable cupboard or drawers.

Tip 2 Hand over responsibility of this private space to your teenager

Don’t fear an untidy space. This teaches teens to regulate their space and take personal responsibility for managing it.

Tip 3 Never punish your teenager for wanting privacy

Parents can initially feel left out when your teenager starts to become more secretive. Don’t assume that this means your teen is hiding something from you. It is more about their wanting to be alone than the fact that they are hiding something specific. See this behaviour as normal and natural in their journey towards adulthood.

Tip 4 Provide a mobile phone or private area to speak on the phone

It is perfectly acceptable to place limits upon how often the phone can be used but having access to their own phone fosters healthy independence in your teenager. The more freedom you offer your teenager, the happier your relationship with them will be as they will appreciate your trust in them and there will be fewer opportunities for resentment to build.

Tip 5 If possible give them their own bathroom

Teenagers become extremely self-conscious and embarrassed about their bodies, and for this reason, it is a good idea to provide privacy. If possible, offering a teenager their own bathroom is ideal but a shared bathroom where there is guaranteed privacy is just as effective.

Tip 6 Offering privacy fosters a trusting relationship

Teenagers won’t always express appreciation but keep doing the right thing by allowing them some freedom and space. The more privacy and freedom you allow, the more your teenager will want to prove to you that they can be responsible.

Tip 7 Let some untruths go

This may seem counterproductive, but there will be some times when your teenager tells you a lie. I’m not talking about lies to do with their safety, staying out after their curfew or about the company they keep. I am referring to lies that are used to cover up embarrassment or inadequacies. Most teens lie but it is not meant in a malicious or evil way. Let them know that you want the truth and that lying isn’t condoned, but don’t make a huge deal over small untruths that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Learn to pick your battles.

Tip 8 Don’t take it personally if your teenager confides in someone outside the family

Watch your own interpretations and need to be constantly involved in your teenager’s life. It really is okay for them to have a confidante outside the core family circle. As long as this person seems mature and isn’t the local rebel who is always in trouble—leave your teen to get on with it. Even if this person isn’t the perfect role model, allowing your teen the freedom to choose his own friends helps him to learn to deal with different kinds of people. You can always be there, monitoring from a distance, but the more you let your teen make decisions for himself, the more their confidence will grow in their own abilities.

Tip 9 Be a good role model

It is extremely important not to be a hypocrite and to practice what you preach. If you ask your teenager not to lie, then do your best to live by this rule as well. Give yourself the same time-out and privacy that you let your teenager enjoy. Teenagers can be quite egocentric and may not respect your privacy whilst expecting you to keep your nose out of their affairs. Let them see that you too need time alone or that you need to keep some things private from them. Teenagers will constantly be watching your behaviour—how you treat others, how you deal with life’s challenges and how you deal with stress. Many of their behaviours will be learned from you.

Being a parent is a tough job and there is always this balance to be achieved between being protective and also encouraging independence. A parent’s job isn’t to shield their children from every possible challenge but to prepare them well for life as an adult where they will be able to take responsibility for themselves and learn to make decisions for themselves.

A teenager’s need for privacy is part and parcel of their growing independence. Show trust and respect your teenager’s need for their own space and privacy.

This was first published in the May 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Parents are confused about this issue because while they feel they will get closer to their teenage kids if they act like friends, they are also concerned they will lose their authority as parents.

Friends can’t be authority figures

I understand parents’ apprehensions. I am also aware that most parents simply want the best for their teens. I must tell you now where I stand on this matter. Parents should NOT be friends with their teens.

Teens tell me regularly that they want their parents to be parents and their friends to be friends. Teens are often embarrassed when parents dress and act like teenagers. They need their parents to be authority figures in their lives and to set limits and rules, which cannot be done by someone who behaves as a friend. It is understandable that parents want to be close to their teens and have their teens open up to them. But a parent does not need to be a friend for this to happen. I have heard of more than one parent who has got drunk with their teenage child in an attempt to create a friendship and grow close. This is unacceptable because the child will get all the wrong messages from the parent.

Teens want their parents to be parents and their friends to be friends

There are even instances of divorced mothers who ask their daughters for dating advice. This puts the teens in an awkward position and results in role reversal. Teens are not mature enough to advise their parents; nor should they be put in this role prematurely. Another thing I repeatedly hear about is parents confiding in their teens about their partner. This too puts the teens in a difficult and untenable position. Parents should discuss adult issues with their own friends; not their kids. Teens do best with parents who are both authority figures and nurturing. They need structure and love. Teens do not do well with excessively permissive or authoritarian parents. They thrive with loving parents who are not afraid to set boundaries and say no to ensure their teens’ safety. And parents must be comfortable tolerating their teens’ anger because this is a volatile age with raging emotions; but I can assure you that they will recover from it fairly quickly.

Getting teens to open up

So, if being friends with your teens is not the way to get close to them you are probably wondering how to get them to talk to you. For this, I am going to share the following secrets:

1. Teens respond best to non-direct requests for information. Instead of asking “How was the party?’ try asking “how was the drive?” This is more oblique and should eventually get them talking about what you really want to know. Teens like to control the rate and pace of information that they give you.
2. Try your best to remain calm while your teen is speaking to you. If you overreact, they will think that you can’t handle things, and I promise that they will stop talking to you.
3. Don’t interrupt teens when they are talking to you. Teens complain to me all the time that their parents cut them short. Your goal is to listen and get the information, right?
4. Be available to your teen. Teens grumble about their parents not being accessible; while parents tell me that they are always there for their kids. The problem is that parents are distracted by their cell phones and other technology, so the teens perceive that the parents are not really present in the moment. Provide opportunities when you can focus exclusively on your teens. Consider taking a walk or a drive with your teens, which will provide ample ways to unwind, both for you and them.
5. Try to not talk negatively about your teens’ friends. When you talk about their friends, they feel that you are talking about them.
6. And finally, do your best to be non-judgemental.

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