Aamir Khan: More than inspired, I would say I have been influenced—by actors like Dilip Kumar, Raj Kapoor, Amitabh Bachchan and Waheeda Rehman.

After all the success you have achieved, what motivates you and where does your thirst, hunger, inspiration and energy come from?

Aamir Khan: Soon after Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak, I signed 8 – 10 films, which didn’t do well at the box office. I would go home and cry about it—I thought it was the end of my career. Then I started declining offers. Even Mahesh Bhatt offered me a role that I refused. He was surprised and he told me that I’m not doing the right thing. But I had made up my mind not to sign films for the sake of money, fame or big banners. I decided that I will work in a film only when I was confident of being a substantial part of it. Then I took up Dil, which became a hit. From then on, I began creating my own path instead of following what the other actors were doing.

I have never worked for money and I think that is one of my biggest strengths. It’s not that I don’t need money… all of us need it. But according to me, I earn the least among my peers. Yet I am very happy because I do what my heart says—I follow my gut feeling. For instance, Kiran had not liked the script of Rang De Basanti but I didn’t go with her instinct. I liked it and went ahead. At times I go wrong with my instincts but most of the times I get it right.

I never compromise on the quality of work. I strive to do better every time. I work in a medium where you connect to a large number of people and that’s why I try to do something different each time. This want and thirst to do better each time gives me the energy to do more and more.

What are your innermost insecurities and fears at this stage of life?

Aamit Khan: I have a lot of insecurity. I am constantly worried at so many levels. In fact I am called ‘Captain Caution’ by my family. They have also designed a cape for me and call it the ‘life jacket” and they have designed a logo for me. I am constantly worried about losing a person who is close to me and that’s my biggest fear. I am insecure about work too—I fear that I will wake up someday and all my work will go away and I will be the last one to know about it. Which is why I think I take things so seriously. People call me a perfectionist because I put in so much thought and hard work in my films and in everything I do in life. I don’t want to be the last one to know about my work. I give it a lot of value. I absorb, feel and grow. If I feel someone is sharper than me I value it even more. I keep thinking and analysing a lot. I think that if I could go back at this point, I could have done it differently—that’s when I started opening my mind.

Was doing films the default choice for you, considering your family’s film background?

Aamir Khan: When I started acting with Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak I never thought I would make it as a star or achieve so much in life. I don’t consider myself a star like Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan. I can’t be like them. I consider Salman a star because he can bulldoze his way into anything. About myself, I think it is strange when you think of doing something but land up elsewhere… somewhere you didn’t even expect yourself to be. One mustn’t forget that life can take all these unexpected twists and turns.

What do you think about your cousin Mansoor Khan’s decision of leaving the industry for good and settling down as a farmer?

Aamir Khan: We want Mansoor back to make films but he is happy where he is, in Ooty. We did manage to bring him back as a writer. Mansoor has approved of the concept and is currently working on the script and we are all chipping in with our ideas. But he doesn’t want to take up direction yet.

What motivated you to take up Satyamev Jayate?

Aamir Khan:The germ of the show was with me even 15 years ago. I used to read a lot of newspapers and met a lot of people.  I was disturbed by what was happening around me. I would be troubled by the injustice that was meted out to people. I used to wonder how things can change and what I can do to bring about that change for those who are less privileged than me. When I started discussing these things with my team, we all decided we could make a show about these current topics and it was very exciting. It was something I had never attempted. We travelled across the country to do extensive research before the show.

Has life changed for you in anyway after doing Satyamev Jayate? Are you planning another season of it?

Aamir Khan: Life has certainly changed. It has been a tremendous learning experience as well as an emotionally charged one. I cried a lot while I was watching some of the incidents. I feel what is happening in the country of late is very sad for girls—it’s traumatic. I am a very emotional person and I get hurt easily. But when I looked at the enormity of their situations, I felt I was in a very happy space. So yes, I got to learn a lot of things that I was not aware of earlier. And as a consequence, I have tried to incorporate a lot of changes in my personal life.

You’ve been supporting a lot of social issues. Have you ever considered contesting elections?

Aamir Khan: No, I think I am not meant for that, so I won’t be joining politics. One need not join politics to serve the society. I feel I am able to do a lot being in the stream that I am in. I can contribute much more through my show Satyamev Jayate and I am happy doing that.

There is a lot of great new talent in the industry now. Do you have your moments of insecurity?

Aamir Khan: No, in fact I love all these young stars. I like Ranbir Kapoor. When I watched Barfi, I asked Kiran what is it that he is doing that I cannot. He has qualities that I don’t have, and I think he is a fantastic actor.

I always strive to do better than other actors. I am genuinely fond of Salman and find him very charming. He’s one star who can run a film on his shoulders. I loved Sanjay Dutt in Munnabhai… Good work gives me great joy and it may not necessarily be mine. I like Shah Rukh in his romantic roles like Diwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I have yet to see Chak De— it’s on my list of films to watch.

Are you at a stage where you can take both criticism and praise with a smile? Does it hurt you when you are not appreciated?

Aamir Khan: I take criticism very seriously but I don’t read too many reviews of my films. There are a few critics I take seriously and few other I choose to ignore always. I often read ‘Rotten Tomatoes’ to gauge their ratings. I have always treated a film review as an opinion of one person and do not see it as a yardstick of how many people have liked the film. If a person has not liked the film, you have to accept that the film did not connect with that person. If 90 per cent of people have liked a film, I am happy with that. I don’t bother about people appreciating only my work. For me, it’s important that the film is appreciated in its entirety.

Would you call yourself a control freak?

Aamir Khan: No, and hope I never will be one. I make sure that I give much freedom to everyone around me. They are free to voice their opinions or give suggestions. If I like it I will imbibe it or else I will explain to them why I think that I am right and they are wrong.

What do you like reading? Any favourite books/authors?

Aamir Khan: I love reading all kinds of books, especially autobiographies and mysteries. I read all the latest books. I read the Harry Hole detective series by Jo Nesbo. Currently I am reading The Bat from that series. The last two books I read were The Lost Boy by Thomas Wolfe and A Child Called ‘It’ by Dave Pelzer.

You’re a parent again now, after almost two decades. How has the experience been so far?

Aamir Khan: I think there’s not much difference between then and now. Unfortunately I don’t get to spend much time with my children. But that doesn’t mean I am a bad father. I try to give as much time I can give Azad these days. I read bed time stories for him. Earlier I would take him to my sets everyday. He used to wake up and see me getting ready for work and he would cling to me. I would take him on the sets and when he was tired he would go off to sleep and by 11am I would send him back home.

Is there any advice you would like to give to the younger generation today?

Aamir Khan: I think the young generation today spends a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter, which may not be required. I also feel that they are sharing all their personal details online, and they need to be more cautious about that.

Finally, what is your recipe for a happy and healthy life?

Aamir Khan: Do what makes you happy; don’t worry about being successful. Be courageous and live life on your terms. Life is full of ups and downs and everyone goes through personal or professional losses. While it is important to mourn that loss, at the same time it’s equally important to take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise a lot—fitness is essential for everyone.

The post “I do what my heart says” — Aamir Khan (Throwback) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Maybe you’re gazing out the window, daydreaming about your future. Or you just got briefed on a new project at work. Or maybe it’s 3am and you are just staring at the ceiling, much too wide awake.

Pssst!

Your attention shifts inward, to a spot behind your eyeballs. A little voice starts up back there and it’s murmuring, just to you. It says: “You can’t do this. Don’t even try it. This is a mistake. You’ll lose your job. Your home. Your loved ones… Here are a hundred reasons you will fail…”

The voice makes you second-guess yourself before you even start. You can go from the verge of making a decision to backing away, to asking others’ opinions, to questioning your judgement, to trashing everything you have ever accomplished, doubting yourself to the core.

This voice squirts adrenaline into your blood stream, ties your guts in knots, releases butterflies to flop around your tummy, and gushes cold sweats down your pits and brow.

It knows you well. In fact, it sounds like a friend, concerned and just here to protect you from a horrible decision. It’s a familiar old voice, one that’s been whispering in your ear as far back as you can remember. It’s the voice of the inner critic, the worry wart, the voice of doom.

If you hear this voice, and I know you do, you’re not crazy. You’re not a loser. You’re not alone. You’re just human.

But despite how common this predicament is, it’s also very damaging. The voice has the ability to limit your potential, crush your happiness and derail your dreams.

It’s time to stop it.

The voice and the maker

More than anything, the voice messes with all forms of creativity. New ideas, new directions make it jabber loudest. Why? Because the voice hates change and risk, and whenever we rearrange the mental furniture of our lives, it protests.

This is an important thing to remember: when the voice starts up, it’s because you are trying to change something. And if you are going to be a functioning person on this ever-turning planet, you will have to eventually make change too. So to be happy [or even functional], you are going to have to learn to shut that voice down.

Listen to the voice

So what does it sound like? What’s the quality of its voice? Does it whisper? Does it have an accent? An echo? How old does it sound? Is it high-pitched or low? Does it sit right against your ear or is it deeper in your head?

Now, try to put a body and a face to that voice. Make it a creature. How big is it? What does it smell like? How does it move? Is it an animal? Is it a demon?

I imagine it looks a bit like Gollum, from The Lord of the Rings. It’s whiney and creepy and lives back in the dark cave of my skull. It never rests and has big, glowing eyes that constantly dart around in fear. It has a mouthful of sharp little teeth to nip at the edges of my mind and it smells musty, of cold sweat and old fish. So, like Gollum, but meatier and covered in grey-brown fur, fairly oily like an unwashed mutt.

I call this lovely thing, “the Monkey”. It jabbers and hoots like a monkey and it smells like one too. Only worse.

Maybe my description fits your creature too. If not, just substitute your species in for the rest of the descriptions I’ll give you. I’m pretty sure they’ll still fit whether you imagine you’re carrying around a snake or a gargoyle, a gremlin or a gopher with a chainsaw.

Meet your monkey

The monkey is a formidable foe. It is more devious than you and it has plenty of time on its hands. It can use everything you know against you, push every button, pull every lever, and is unrelenting. Don’t let that get you down. But don’t underestimate it either.

And the monkey has opinions about most things. It can think of a good reason to be afraid of most decisions, of any impending event, big or small. It can give you umpteen reasons to do something tomorrow instead of now, to ask more and more people’s opinions before you make a move, can tell you what that stranger at the cocktail party will reply if you say “Hi”.

That shirt makes you look like a fat dork.

You don’t floss enough.

What do you suppose the client meant by that look?

That pimple could be a tumour.

Do you smell smoke? And so on…

Behave like a monkey

The monkey mind can make you behave a bit like a monkey yourself. If you find you are quarrelling with others and venting emotion inappropriately, chances are that you are not creating, not thinking, not doing. Or alternatively, you may find yourself overworking, nights and weekends [on projects fuelled by drudgery and obligation, not passion] living out of balance, out of harmony, out of fast food containers, far from your true self.

In my career as a creative director, I’ve run into a lot of people who are driven to melodramatics by their monkey puppeteers. They act out.

Client questions your decision? Throw a fit.

Need to cover up a blunder? The best defence is self-righteous indignation.

They’re always drawing attention to themselves, making excuses, being prima donnas, making outrageous demands. A bigger office, a longer title, no brown M&Ms in the dressing room!

One more thing… the monkey will always find you one more reason to delay. Do more research. Ask others opinions. Find an agent, find a publisher, get a contract, get a new desk chair… It can be never-ending. All this activity makes it seem like you are doing something, but you’re not really. You’re just frittering away time and defeating your creative impulse with thoughts of fine art, chocolate, naps, sex… The illusion of productivity is the bone the monkey throws you.

Perfect is the enemy of done

At first glance, perfectionism doesn’t seem like one of the monkey’s tricks. After all, it’s not unreasonable to want to do things well, to have high standards, to do your best. The problem is that the monkey insists you do everything perfectly. Not just your job, but your laundry, your parallel parking, your push-ups.

But no matter how high your standards, the monkey will still make sure perfection is always just out of reach. As your ideas begin to bubble to the surface, the monkey insists on judging immediately, pointing out how far below perfection you have fallen. Even though you know most ideas don’t hatch without some room for improvement, the monkey can make you sling them on the trash pile before they catch their first breath.

Insisting on perfection is just another form of hubris. It assumes that you can meet standards that are way too high for the average person, that while others might accept something sub-par, you insist on it being done just so. And then you [and the monkey] beat yourself up when it is revealed that you too are human.

Here’s the dirty secret: perfectionists are not more productive than people who aren’t crazed, obsessive, workaholic nitpickers. When your priorities are askew and you get overly obsessed with incidental details, it’s a lot harder to do what needs to be done. Be a bit more realistic about your capabilities and your priorities. Accept that in most cases, good enough is just perfect.

You’ll put your eye out with that

The monkey speaks in a familiar voice—because it’s the voice you grew up with.

Don’t eat that, it’ll make you sick.

Don’t run with that!

That’s going to get infected.

Be careful! Stop it…

All parents tell their children these things for their own good. To protect them from harm. To protect them from eating insects, swallowing safety pins, and playing in traffic. They say things in an exaggerated, emphatic way so these lessons will get through their children’s thick heads. It makes sense. Parents want their children to avoid risk so that they will survive.

Eventually you internalise these voices. Or, you become a juvenile delinquent. Or you don’t listen, you fall off a roof and die [then you’re out of the gene pool].

The monkey moves from being an outside voice to inside your head, a full-time bodyguard hard-wired into your hardening skull.

Whose voice is that?

Whose voices is the monkey playing back for you? Mom? Dad? The first teacher who said something casual and cruel: “Remember, most people don’t have talent. I’m sure you’re good at something”? Was it the dean of the college who rejected your application? The first boss who killed all of your favourite ideas?

But these are all old voices, maybe even the voices of dead people, talking about old, vanished problems. Why must they still echo in your head?

It’s déjà vu all over again. Things that happened long ago were real. The pain was real. But the worst things seem to be the things that could be. The sound of approaching sirens that could be heading to your house; the boss who could be getting ready to fire you; the smell that could be smoke; the phone ringing in the night.

What does happen can be cleaned up or treated or paid for or even buried. But what could happen must only be dealt with one way: by refusing to fear what could be. Put your imagination to better use. And insist on living only in what is.

Whatever voice you’re hearing, it’s just a spectre. Whatever sword carved the scars into your psyche, you have the power to move past it. As grownups, we have the ability to see that the affronts and critiques of the past are just puffs of air that have long since dissipated. Only we carry them forward. You have the power to override, to rewrite, to define these ancient wounds as irrelevancies that do not bear on the wonderful creature you are today—a creative adult with great strength and potential.

Negativo

We are effected by bad news more than good. We believe negative rumours more than positive ones. We hold on to painful memories longer than warm ones. The monkey is only concerned with bracing us for bad situations and figures that good ones will take care of themselves. So when we allow the monkey to define our perspective on an issue, it becomes all problem. The danger spirals, everything seems bleak.

And misery loves company. When you ask most people their opinions about your idea, their feedback will likely be negative. Sure, a sunny few will say, “Great! Love it!” but when you seek input, people [and their monkeys] assume you want reasons not to proceed. No one ever paid a consultant to tell them they were doing everything right.

So wait before labelling something as a “problem” or a “dead end”. Instead, consider it just part of the process. In the positive light of tomorrow, it might look less like a problem and more like an opportunity.

Fighting back

Now that we know what the monkey looks like and how it can monkey with your life, let’s explore some strategies for shutting it down.

We’ll start with the most obvious strategy:

» Put up a fight

Listen to his charges and show him he’s wrong. Fight fire with fire. Unfortunately, when you take the monkey on directly, it will find ways to squirm past your counter arguments and keep raising the ante. You’ll walk away dirty and bruised. By embracing the monkey, you’ll get tarred with cynicism, pessimism, anxiety, and negativity. It’s infectious.

» A sit down

Instead of being self-critical, try being objective. Imagine your best friend asks you to have coffee with her. Then she tells you that she’s been told she’s worthless, inept, untalented and stupid. What would you say? Can you do the same for you?

Think about what the monkey’s voice is warning you against. What are you really afraid of? Write it down. Describe it in detail. What is the change, the risk, the newness that it is fighting? Dig beyond the monkey’s hysteria and see if you can flush out the legitimate problem. Are there professional skills you need to hone? Are your plans currently unrealistic? Do you need more resources? More time to think through your plan?

» Build a scoreboard

You have accomplished a huge amount on your life, accomplishments the monkey may deny, diminish or dismiss. Once and for all, paint a more accurate picture of yourself.

Create a list of everything you have ever accomplished. All the significant things, personal and public. What you overcame in your childhood, the academic successes, the titles, the assets, all of it. Include a copy of a congratulatory email from a boss, a client recommendation, a thank you note, your report card.

You’re pretty great. Keep score. Put your scoreboard in a file on your computer and reference it whenever you need perspective.

» Be the honeybee

Here’s a really powerful strategy, so easy, so simple, it took me ages to figure it out: out-dumb the monkey and get to work. Don’t think—do.

Become the buzzing honeybee, barrelling out of the hive with the dawn, then zooming from buttercup to daisy. Never stopping to think about whether she’s doing it right, whether there’s a purpose to his efforts, whether other bees are doing it better or bringing back more pollen. Just keep buzzing across the meadow, the sun on your back, your eyes on the prize, your wings churning the spring air. If the monkey speaks up, crank your buzzing louder, and keep gathering words, keep finding ideas, keep pushing that pen. Just make some honey, honey.

If you insist on wondering if what you’re doing is any good, just tell yourself—sure, it’s awesome. Suspend judgement until later. Some of your ideas suck? So what?! A lame idea beats no idea every time. Put it down, then move to the next flower.

Failure isn’t the end of the road, it’s just the next leg of the journey. So, back up the backup with a boatload of more ideas. Toss out a hundred lousy ideas and you’ll have at least one good one. Just don’t stop at 99. The answer could be the last one to show up.

And, as you work, buzzing away, the voice will give up and fall silent. The monkey is a bully and gives up when it’s ignored.

Bzzzzz.

» Get the work habit

The monkey loves same-old, same-old, a rut filled with frozen fear. You need to develop a similarly powerful pattern of your own. The habit of regular work. Focussed just on productivity. Day after day. Immune to failure, rejection, fear. Be rigid in your own regimen. Live by your own ritual and discipline. Tools always at the ready.

Set your alarm clock, rain or shine. The monkey is lazy. Get up before him. Buzz from morning till night. One dance, one mission, no time to stop and chat.

The monkey’s job is to fight change, so create a new reality, a permanent state of change.

» Doer. Not dour

Self-confidence has two main components: sunshine and sweat.

First, cultivate optimism however you can. Keep your eyes focussed sharply on the bright side. Grin and buzz. Surround yourself with the infectious energy of positive people. There’s nothing as powerful as a group of people who all believe they can. The monkey can tell you that pessimists are the only realists, but that’s defeatist hogwash.

Second, be a doer. Make things. Work. Explore. Stretch. Take risks. Go in new directions. Bees work hard and people call them “drones”. Or maybe they are just confident in their abilities, busy doing what they know needs to be done.

» Sweaty genius

When you start any brand-new undertaking, you are more likely to fail. You don’t know the rules, don’t know the tools, haven’t failed nearly often enough to learn the lessons. That’s why most amateurs give up so early on. They never make it to their second piano lesson, their third drawing lesson, their fourth level of the video game, because they can’t bear the learning curve. The monkey tells them that their first attempt is a sign that they will never be any good, doomed on the launch pad.

Lies, all lies.

One powerful monkey tool is to compare your amateur fumbling to the work of committed, professional creative people. It will tell you that you can’t play the violin like Itzhak Perlman or cook like Mario Batali or write like Stephen King—because they are natural-born geniuses.

It will fail to point out that professionals are as good as they are because they are professional. They have committed themselves to their work. They have practised and trained for years. They have failed and failed and brushed themselves off and kept on buzzing. The monkey makes a big deal about things like “talent” and “inspiration”. But what really counts is slogging miles after mile, head down, wings humming. Sweat and perseverance are what drives “genius” to success. It’s not a lottery ticket.

Don’t keep comparing yourself to the greats. Instead be inspired by their example and work ethic. Compare yourself to the bees, and keep on buzzing.

» Build yourself a better brain

Neuroscientists have established that when you work hard on something, the composition and structure of your brain changes. You lay down neurons and weave a denser cobweb of cerebral connections. You create new brain cells that are programmed to make you better at the new things you are doing. The more brain cells you build, the more paper you dirty, the more pixels you move around, the more you move ahead.

The trick is not to focus on the end game. Not to wish mightily for the Oscar, the applause, the paycheque. Focus instead on building your skills one microscopic brain cell at a time. And you do that by putting your head [and its brain] down and getting to work.

As you work on building your mountain of ideas, you are rewiring your brain. All those challenges and fresh thinking are stimulating and feeding your neurotransmitters, creating more and more connections between your neurons, blazing new pathways, turning on dormant genes. The more you think, the better you get at it.

It doesn’t matter if those ideas are “good” any more than it matters if you are chopping wood or hefting kettle bells. All that counts is that you keep working, keep pumping out more ideas. Even lame creativity creates the creative mind.

» Bees fly in all weather

Work hard now. Don’t waste time praying for inspiration. If you’re standing around, waiting for a thunderbolt to strike, that’s just the monkey doing weather forecasting.

And if you are tearing yourself up because you have something allegedly called “a writer’s block” or a “creative block” or “a unicorn standing on your laptop”, take a deep breath and go to a museum or a bookstore or the movies. “Blocks” are just the lulls between bursts of inspiration. Getting upset because pure genius isn’t constantly pouring out of your fingers is a sign of nothing but impatience and misunderstanding of the process. It will come, just keep working, feeding the well, and remain calm.

These pauses are part of the process. If you make a huge deal out of them, if you label them and use them as an excuse, they will last longer. If you accept that like any athlete or performer or genius, you need downtime and diversion, then they will be briefer and a lot more fun. Stretch your wings and get buzzing.

» Think small

You sit down to work and the monkey mutters, “How are you gonna write a book? Record an album? Start a business? It’s too big. You can’t do it.”

How do you eat a whale? With a knife and fork, one bite at a time. I wrote this article in sentences and paragraphs. Most of these pages started as brief notes on my phone. Ideas. Fragments. The beginnings of a mountain. Over several weeks, the scraps added up to what you are holding in your hand. And that’s how I’ve written my last dozen books. I now have a shelf of them with my name on the spine but I wrote them all in tiny bites.

So don’t write a book. Write a word. Then another. Write it like you read. In between buses, elevators, breakfast meetings. And if you want to develop a new skill, don’t be daunted by the long journey ahead. Just walk to the corner. Then turn and walk the next block. A thousand miles, ten thousand hours, one step at time.

The big picture

So far we have talked about what the monkey is, what it wants, and all the many ways it can limit your life. We have seen the power of focussing on being as productive as the honey bee and building up a big mountain of work before starting to evaluate the ideas. But now let’s talk about a much bigger issue—namely, why you are here and what you can do with your life and your talents. As we discuss that, you’ll see that when you shift your perspective to a much broader one, many of the niggling problems the monkey has caused you will become just faint and distant memories.

What’s your goal? The purpose behind everything you do? What makes you happy? How does your work make the world a better place?

Refocus on that. Write it down. If you have a larger sense of purpose, then you have an objective way to assess risk. To determine the correct path in any given situation. To decide whether something is dangerous — or simply new. We don’t need to live in black-and-white terms, and impulsively slam on the brakes at every crossroads. Instead, we can guide ourselves and we can move ahead, even through unfamiliar terrain. We know that we have to pass through this situation to achieve our goal. Risk becomes acceptable, even welcome. And that leads us forward.

Make a list of how what you want to do matters to the world. Who it helps. What changes it will cause. Use that list as a reason for doing the hard work. Life’s greatest reward isn’t money, mansions, boats and Botox. It’s sharing the resources and experience we’ve gained with others. Who does your work help?

Life’s greatest reward isn’t money, mansions, boats and Botox. It’s sharing the resources and experience we’ve gained with others

Are you finding a cure for cancer or ending world hunger? Maybe not. But everything you do means the world to someone. Think through why it matters, who it helps and why. Treat every project as if it really truly matters and soon you’ll see that it does. The more you value your contribution, the larger the opportunities that will come to you.

We can all have a purpose that’s bigger than we are, bigger than our petty concerns and fears. When we raise that mission like a banner, we connect with others who share that dream. We feel more empowered and fulfilled and happy. And the monkey’s voice fades slowly away.

Your work matters. Figure out why and to whom. And if that seems impossible, then why spend your time doing it?

Life is short and getting shorter. Get to work. Rock the boat. Take a risk. Do something worth carving on your headstone. And once you have identified your purpose, that will be the only answer you ever need to give that voice in your head. Just say, “The world needs me. So shut your monkey!”

Excerpted from Shut Your Monkey: How to control your inner critic and get more done by Danny Gregory, HOW Books, 2016

The post Stop your monkey mind from sabotaging your success appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Man is born with very weak instincts. That’s why he becomes intelligent—he has to become intelligent, he has to substitute his weaker instincts with a stronger intelligence. A dog need not do anything; a dog is perfect. He lives through his instincts; he never allows his intelligence to grow. What is the point? The instincts are doing far better, more perfectly, than intelligence will ever be able to do.

Intelligence is there because you are weak in your instincts. Man has developed all kinds of technologies, science, because man is very weak.

Out of his imperfections, man blooms

Just watch: he cannot run like a wolf or a dog, he is not strong like a lion or a tiger, he is not swift like a deer. Out of these imperfections he has done great things. He has developed weapons because he is weak physically; he could not have survived without weapons.

He is delicate, he is not strong. Because he is not speedy he has developed speedy vehicles. Because he is prone to illness and disease he has developed medicine.

Out of imperfection, man blooms. Because he does not know, he has developed philosophies and religions. No dog has developed a philosophy or a religion. There is no need; the dog knows already, knows instinctively. The dog is not ignorant, so there is no need to know. Man is ignorant, it hurts. He tries to know, he becomes curious, he explores, he becomes adventurous.

All animals are satisfied; only man is continuously in discontent. That’s his beauty. Out of his discontent he grows, he finds new ways of growth. Only man is anxious, anxiety-ridden. Hence he develops meditation techniques. Just watch: whatsoever you have—in culture, in art, in philosophy—is out of your imperfections.

Totality, not perfection

Don’t be bothered about perfection. Replace the word “perfection” with “totality”. Don’t think in terms of having to be perfect, think in terms of having to be total. Totality will give you a different dimension.

That’s my teaching: Be total, forget about being perfect. Whatsoever you are doing, do it totally—not perfectly, but totally. And what is the difference?

When you are angry the perfectionist will say, “This is not good, don’t be angry; a perfect man is never angry.” This is just nonsense—because we know that Jesus was angry. He was really angry against the traditional religion, against the priests, against the rabbis. He was so angry that single-handed he drove all the money-changers from the temple, a whip in his hand. And he was shouting at the top of his voice, and they became frightened—his anger was so intense, passionate. It is not just an accident that the people he was born to had to kill him. He was really angry, he was in rebellion.

Remember, the perfectionist will say, “Don’t be angry”. Then what will you do? You will repress your anger, you will swallow it; it will become a kind of slow poisoning in your being. You may be able to repress it but then you will become an angry person, and that is bad.

Anger as a flare-up once in a while has its own function, has its own beauty, has its own humanity. A man who cannot be angry will be spineless, will not have guts. A man who cannot be angry will not be able to love either—because both need passion, and it is the same passion.

A man who cannot hate will not be able to love; they go together. His love will be cold. And remember, a warm hate is far better than a cold love. At least it is human—it has intensity, it has life, it breathes.

And a man who has lost all passion will be dull, stale, dead, and his whole life will be angry. He will not express it, he will go on repressing. Layer upon layer, anger will accumulate; he will be simply angry.

It is the stretched soul that makes music

You can go and see your so-called mahatmas and saints, they are angry people. They think they have controlled their anger, but what can you do with a controlled anger? You can only swallow it. Where will it go? It belongs to you, it is part of you, it will remain there unexpressed.

Whenever anger is expressed, you are released from it. And after the anger you can again feel compassion; after the anger and the storm are gone you can again feel the silence of love. There is a rhythm between hate and love, anger and compassion. If you drop one thing, the other will disappear.

And the irony is that whatsoever you have dropped, you have only swallowed it. It will become part of your system. You will be simply angry for no reason at all; your anger will be irrational. It will show in your eyes, in your sadness, in your somberness, in your seriousness. You will become incapable of celebration.

When I say replace perfection with totality, I mean when you are angry be totally angry. Then just be anger, pure anger. And it has beauty. And the world will be far better when we accept anger as part of humanity, as part of the play of polarities.

You cannot have East without having West and you cannot have night without having day, and you cannot have summer without having winter. We have to accept life in its totality. There is a certain rhythm, there is a polarity.

It is the stretched soul that makes music. And souls are stretched by the pull of opposites—opposite bunts, tastes, yearnings, loyalties.

Where there is no polarity, where energies flow smoothly in one direction, there will be much doing but no music, much noise but no music. The music is created by the meeting of silence and sound; it is created by the polar opposites.

Just look at life. If there are only men on the earth there will be no more music, if there are only women on the earth there will be no more music. The music is between the polarities: man and woman, yin and yang, Shiva and Shakti.

Only the stretched souls can create music—stretched between polarities. A man who can be angry and totally angry will be able to be in love and totally in love.

We need feasting and fasting

And this too has to be understood, that it is a fact that you love a man and you hate the same man. You love and hate the same person—who else? When you have invested your love in somebody, naturally you have invested your hate too, because hate and love are two aspects of the same coin.

Lovers fight, they are intimate enemies. And whenever the fight disappears between two lovers, love also disappears. It cannot exist without the fight.

There is an inner mechanism. When you love a person you want to come close to him, you want a deep intimate relationship. But after a deep experience of intimacy you want to separate too, you want to go far away. You have feasted, now you would like to fast, otherwise there will be nausea.

You can love and you can be intimate only for a certain amount of time. You cannot eat for 24 hours, you cannot love either. When you eat, enjoy it totally. But then there is a need for 6  8 hours’ fast—only then does the hunger arise again.

The same is true about love. When you love a person you come close; you eat of him, he eats of you, you participate in each other’s being. You come closer and closer and closer, to a point where no more closeness is possible. Then the reverse process sets in: you have to go away to come back again—you have to fast to feast again.

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How we make decisions

Making decisions is one of the hallmarks of human behaviour. Our decision-making abilities distinguish us from the primates and help us to make choices towards making our lives and civilisation better. It is a complex human behaviour, and the lack of it is one of the most debilitating causes of unhappiness in life.

Decisions are required in all aspects of life, however simple it may be, like deciding what to wear for office or deciding to invest in stocks or even extreme situations governing life and death. Decisions are about options and choosing from among the options wisely, so as to optimise the results. It is a complex cognitive process [thinking process], which requires synchronisation of other cognitive functions such as memory, assessment of risk, knowledge of outcomes, motivation and reasoning.

The decision-making process

The process of decision making involves:

1. Understanding the problem
2. Listing the alternatives
3. Evaluating the gains and risks with each alternative
4. Evaluating the probabilities associated with outcomes
5. Choosing the alternative
6. Learning from outcome.

Research has shown that parts of the brain known as the dorsal and ventral streams guide decision making. Injury to these parts, through physical injury, as in head injury or due to neuro-chemical imbalance as seen in psychiatric disorders, can bring about deficits in decision making.

In general, it can be said that synchronisation between emotional and cognitive processes ensure effective decision making. When emotional or cognitive processing is disturbed, such as seen in psychiatric conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis or personality disorders, the ability of decision making is severely impaired.

Understanding indecisiveness

Indecision or indecisiveness is a generic term for the inability to make decisions, not specifically due to any neurological or psychiatric conditions. It is a common condition experienced in different phases of life, when we are faced with challenges. These may involve difficult situations in which an important decision needs to be made. For example, choice of career, business decisions, financial investments, choice of friends, choice of a partner and so on. It is said that the most difficult decisions in life are not about choosing right v/s wrong, but about right v/s right.

Decision makers can be classified in two extreme groups: one who decide on impulse, and therefore may later repent or suffer because of their decisions. The second who due to their chronic indecisiveness are paralysed in making decisions. They suffer from extreme anxiety and frequently avoid making decisions by themselves. They may depend on others to make decisions for them or may avoid such situations altogether.

Indecisiveness is not a psychiatric condition

Indecisiveness is a condition that comes under the purview of personality disorders. It is to be noted that personality disorders do not signify any kind of neuro-chemical imbalance or any psychiatric condition, but it is a term used to signify relatively permanent patterns of behaviours of some individuals.

In some people, these patterns reveal a chronic inability to make decisions, since they can not judge the significance of their decisions or understand the risks involved. They frequently gamble with choices that involve heavy risks or minimum gains. Hence, such decisions often result in undesirable outcomes, unpleasantness, and repentance. Such outcomes often underline the decision maker’s incapacities. This makes the decision maker less confident about himself or herself, and fosters self-doubt and leads to more difficulties in making decisions. This comprises the vicious cycle of indecisiveness.

The rationale behind indecisiveness

Indecisiveness may also stem from a tendency towards perfectionism, which makes some people go after making the ‘perfect decision’. No decision can be perfect, since every decision is a weighted average of the pros and cons, but such perfectionist people are unable to sit quiet with such incongruence. Hence, for them, decision making is a scrupulous process, in which, they must follow each step minutely and accurately. This often prolongs the decision making process and leads to burn out of resources. Ultimately, they suffer from chronic indecisiveness.

It is said that the essence of human life lies with the capacity to ‘choose’. This freedom to choose to do what we want, gives our life a meaning and it further helps us to define our purpose of living. This purpose gives clarity to our thoughts and feelings, and further refines our ability to make decisions in line with our designated purpose of life.

Aimlessness often fosters indecisiveness

Individuals, who are unable to figure out their meaning or purpose in life, often suffer from a kind of aimlessness, which fosters indecisiveness. For example, students who are not sure about their knack or ambition, often feel confused about which career path to choose beyond schooling. Students who lack this focus, or aim in life, are unable to remain happy with any career decision, because, in the very first place, they were not sure about their meaning of life.

Similarly, many such decisions in life demand an effective resolution to the question about one’s meaning of life. Often indecisiveness stems from a battle between choices which demand choosing between our core values and what may be convenient for us. For example, when we choose to follow the wrong means for getting our work done, we choose to go against our value system, which may emphasise honesty and sincerity. In such situations, it is our meaning in life, which guides us in making a decision between these two choices, both of which appear apparently right!

You can overcome indecisiveness

At the outset, let us first understand that all problems do not have solutions. Similarly, all situations may not necessitate decision making. Even choosing not to make a decision is a decision! Hence, it is important to understand the background of our decisions, so that we can justify the circumstances with the decision we make.

This is an important point, because the significance of a decision changes with time. What may seem like a perfect decision today, may be a flawed one tomorrow. Hence, it must be remembered that decision making is not about making the one perfect solution, but is about making the best of a deal—every decision has its pros and cons. It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis when making a decision, since this highlights the gains and risks involved.

For chronic indecisiveness, the problem may not have such a simple solution. It may involve several steps in helping oneself.

4 steps to help you overcome indecisiveness

1. Identify your pattern

If you think you fiddle way too much with making decisions, and even after making decisions, you are not sure and repent having made a particular decision. You must first identify your pattern. Make a habit of writing a diary, where you can list down your difficulties and discomfort while making the decision and aftermath. This will provide insight into your pattern and help you understand where you may be going wrong.

2. Identify chronic areas

Once you have identified your pattern, try and understand the chronic area of failure. Is it with understanding the problem or with gauging the different options? Is it with evaluation of risks or with evaluating feasibility of alternatives? Is it with choosing the best option or with perfectionism hampering your peace after you have made the decision? It may be one, many or a mixture of all.

3. Build on what you may be lacking

If you have successfully identified the lacunae, you can help yourself. Take the help of your friends or close ones, or even a professional counsellor or clinical psychologist, who might help you build on your weak areas.

4. Correct some basic beliefs

Some people are perfectionists by nature. For them, perfectionism in whatever they do is a prerequisite. This stems from a basic belief system which emphasises that they ‘must’ do things perfectly. Such beliefs, as already discussed, hamper the decision making process, because such people are never satisfied with their decisions, and thereby suffer from chronic indecisiveness. The remedy is to correct such beliefs to understand that too much perfectionism is not ideal at all. Perfectionism itself has its pros and cons, and when applied to the decision making process, can lead to severe impairments.

Refine the decision making process: Evaluate the alternatives well, and get a fair idea of the costs and benefits of a choice. Once you decide upon the option, remember not to brood over it. While you may learn from your mistakes, brooding will only demotivate you.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it may be said, that indecisiveness is a common problem. However, there are no perfect decisions and no perfect decision makers. It is an individual’s psychological reality that decides for him/her, which alternative s/he chooses. After all, the freedom to choose is a basic human right. Perhaps, the only guiding principle which may be adopted is that: make the best of the deal and then look forward to making more decisions.

Last updated on 26^th November 2020

The post Understanding indecisiveness + 4 steps to overcome it appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.