Consider the trend of making New Year resolutions, which are broken within a few days of making them. Now, metaphysics tells you that just thinking in the right direction and opening yourself up to possibilities will allow the universe to provide you with what you need to realise your dream. What it doesn’t tell you is that while the universe is ready to provide, each of us is sitting in our cage of inertia, which makes us resist any change, however positive. You make a diet plan, an exercise plan, a plan to stop smoking, or a plan to learn a new skill. But, as soon as the initial enthusiasm wears out, you find yourself slipping back to the old, established ways. One extra helping today after being good for a month, one morning of sleeping in instead of going for a run, just one cigarette to take the edge off… the first excuse is always justified. And before you know it, you are back to your old ways, with a little more guilt and a promise to try better next year.

We are, in fact, addicted to inertia. Resistance to change is not a new concept. All teachers tell you that it’s the first step that is the most difficult. But guess what! The second, third and fourth steps are equally difficult. Once the novelty of a new plan wears out, inertia takes over and your plans grind to a halt. This is the moment of truth where you either decide to re-motivate yourself or let it slide away.

Give your inertia a form; picture it as an opposing entity that is stopping you from doing what you want

Breaking the addiction

Just like any other unwanted habit, addiction to inertia can also be broken. Here are some tips to help you win the fight.

1. Acknowledge the addiction

“I’m too stressed”, “There isn’t enough time”, “My head hurts”—the first time and every subsequent time that you make excuses, ask yourself, “Is it inertia?” Sometimes the reasons may be genuine. But most times, all you need to do is name the problem. Keep asking the question why? If your answer ultimately comes down to inertia, you know where the problem lies. Give your inertia a form; picture it as an opposing entity that is stopping you from doing what you want. Have you noticed how in sports, especially body contact sports, the opponents always acknowledge each other first? This is no different.

2. Absorb denial and blame

Denial and blame are frontline weapons of resistance. I like to picture them as boxing gloves on my opponent. “Just one more won’t hurt”, “He offered me a smoke”, “My run buddy didn’t wake me up on time”—these thoughts can pummel you relentlessly. The mental workout can wear you down till you feel the need for the comfort and turn to the very habit you are trying to break. Knowing how to take a punch can mean the difference between winning and losing. So “roll with the punches”, absorb the thoughts and let them flow into you. And then, let them go.

You might have lost a battle, but you will not lose the war—not until you give up on yourself

3. Go back to your why

This is the moment when you can either decide to go on fighting or give up; it is the peak of the climb. If you can crest this, you will win the fight. Remind yourself why you are doing this. Ask yourself what you would gain from this change. Face the alternative of what you would lose if you don’t change. Return to square one and repeat everything that motivated you to take up this change in the first place. Visualise the future, ask your supporters for help, stand tall on your convictions. Take that first step, again and again.

4. Celebrate your successes, accept your losses

If you succeeded, you beat inertia! This is a big deal. There is no bigger opponent to change. Each win provides the energy for more wins and tide you over your losses. If you lost, try again. So what if you lost this time? You gained more information about yourself and your opponent. Knowledge is power and persistence is the foundation of sustained change. You might have lost a battle, but you will not lose the war—not until you give up on yourself.

Persistence is the key

Inertia is a tough opponent, and a very patient one. It will look for opportunities to strike again and again. It will not be one big fight which will decide everything. It will be a series of small skirmishes that will keep hitting you when you are at your lowest. But just as resistance can wear you down, you too can wear it down by persisting. Over time, as its hold weakens, you will find yourself less and less in need of external motivation, because you would be now habituated to your new lifestyle. And one day, what was once a change will become a new and positive way of life.

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I had such an experience recently, where my 20-year-old niece Priya [not her real name] confided in me about her current romantic relationship. While I was happy to be the recipient of her trust, the situation was full of moral dilemmas: Should I listen or tell her what to do? Should I tell her parents or respect her request for privacy? Should I treat her as an equal adult or a child to be protected? What would I tell her parents when they find out that I knew about the relationship but didn’t tell them? In the end, it all came down to one question—what is my role here?

The answer, I realised, lay in conversation. A conversation that would keep communication channels open. Clear and candid communication helps avoid emotionally charged actions—actions which could, by their nature, break up relationships and families. One difficult conversation goes a long way in preventing heartburn and misunderstandings.

Here are some of the things I learnt about dealing with this awkward and morally fraught situation.

Creating space: Listen without judgment

Nothing shuts down a soul-baring conversation faster than the realisation of being judged. This is especially true when you are talking across generations and across value systems. I find many from the younger generation remarkably astute and mature about their ambitions, both in their career and personal life. They know what they want and when they want it. They want to experiment, to try things out, to see if things ‘fit’, before making any decision. What they don’t want is someone telling them why they ‘can’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do something. This is true between parent-child, but becomes even more sensitive if it’s between a child and an adult who was approached. Whether you are the agony aunt or the wise uncle or any other sympathetic adult—what they want is a sounding board, not an authority reiterating the rules. So shrug off your boundaries and give them space. Be the rock for their insecurities and uncertainties. It may not be what you want to be, but it is what they need. Without this, there is no scope for a meaningful conversation.

Building the foundation: Trust, trust, trust

Respect the trust that has been reposed in you. It is a huge leap of faith for a youngster to open up to you. Respect that faith and the courage it took for them to communicate. At the same time, you have a responsibility to everyone who is affected by this conversation. Trust is critical, but it can’t be one-sided. They may ask you to keep the situation a secret, but it might not always be possible. As far as you can, keep their trust. If you feel that their parents need to be involved, tell them that you believe that is the best course of action. But be up front about whatever your decision is, and why you feel so. Give the youngster the space to debate it. If you break their trust, you may end up doing more harm than good.

The biggest pearl of wisdom: teaching responsibility

Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions. If there is one ‘tell’ in this conversation, it is this. Explain to the young boy/girl the importance of action and consequence, and the fact that the responsibility of both lies with them. If they want to be treated as adults, they must act like adults. Help them make decisions by showing them options and explaining consequences. But be utterly steadfast in letting them make their own decision and taking responsibility for it. Set the example by explaining how you are taking your responsibility by accepting the consequences of your role in this conversation. Let them take ownership of their decisions. Decide together on whether the situation needs intervention, or if the youngster can manage on his or her own with some guidance.

Defining boundaries: Step back or step in?

While respecting the young adult’s need to test the waters, do not forget your responsibility as the mature adult. Giving them space to grow does not mean condoning activities that are harmful, illegal or otherwise undesirable. Make the decision based on your reading of the situation. Is it within moral and ethical boundaries to let them find their way, or do you or some other authority need to step in? If their role is to take responsibility for their behaviour, your role is to ensure that everyone involved, be it their parents, families or significant others, are not harmed. There is a time to step back and a time to step in. This is your action-consequence of commission or omission. Share your decision with the youngster and let them learn from your example.

In my case, my conversation with Priya started out awkwardly, and rather than an agony aunt, I just felt like a very nosy aunt! As we talked, I realised that treating her as an adult and adhering to these cardinal points kept the conversation flowing. As she opened up, I could see her visibly relax in my company. Priya admitted her relief in having an adult she could confide in. She had already thought about her future and all she had really wanted was someone who would listen to her. And all I wanted was for Priya to know that she was not alone. It was a difficult conversation to begin with, but in the end, it was well worth the time.

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