Over a slight matter there was a difference of opinion. It led to a hot discussion between me and one whom I hold in high esteem. The pitch of our voices kept on rising. I felt, I was right; he felt, he was right. Out of a conflict of right with right cometh tragedy. And after some minutes of wordy exchange, as we took leave of each other, my friend felt miserable and I felt unhappy.

Just then someone spoke to me with the simple frankness of a happy child. And though she spoke out of the tenderness of her heart, every word she uttered was a whip. “You write such beautiful things” she said to me, “and in your conversation with friends and others you give expression to such wondrous things of the Spirit. How often have you not urged that compassion is the secret of true life? And yet, as you spoke now to a brother, you became loveless! The tone of your voice was as the hissing of a snake and your words burnt as live coal!”

“How true.” I said to myself. And in sheer shame, I hung low my head.

In silence I asked myself, “Why did I use harsh words? Why?” And the answer came, “Because my life is not yet rooted in love. The roots of my life are elsewhere. Let me take care of my roots. Life is the root, words are as flowers and action is the fruit. If we are not rooted in love, our words go wild and our work more often than not becomes a curse.”

That night I kept awake. I sat in my quiet room, shedding unbidden tears of repentance. And then, methinks, I heard a voice say:

“My child, weep not, nor be disheartened. But pray for light and for strength to walk whither the light may lead!” And I said, “You know the burden that sits heavy on my heart. Tell me what I may do?”

And the Voice said, “My child, Let silence be the law of your life; for silence hurts no one. And when you feel like breaking your silence, ask yourself if what you have to say is something better than silence. If so, say it, else remain silent.”

I felt like asking a question. But before I opened my lips, I said to myself, “Surely, my question is not better than silence, so let me be silent!”

The Voice continued, “If only we could collect the words each one of us speaks, what a huge mountain they would make! Himalayas of words have passed through these tiny lips. And all these words, as it seems to me, come under five categories.

The five categories of words

1. Words inspired by love of God

These are the words we utter in adoration of the Eternal – the cry of the soul to the Over soul, the songs sung in praise of the Most High, prayer, kirtan and jap of the Sacred Name.

2. Words inspired by love of fellow-men

These are the words of comfort and consolation we pass on to those who suffer and struggle and are in sorrow-words which cheer them on life’s lonesome way.

3. Words which wound and hurt and kill

These are the words inspired by jealousy, envy, anger, malice or hatred. How often do we not speak ill of others, little knowing what havoc we cause! An archer shoots to kill. More dangerous is the man with a forked tongue. Every time he opens his lips, he sends forth shafts which strike and sting.

4. Words inspired by selfishness

These are the words prompted by egoism, by greed and sensuality. How often do we not ‘brag’ about our so called ‘achievements’ or speak in self-righteous pride! And see, how happy men feel when they indulge in obscene and sensual talk. And when it comes to making a little material gain, humans have no hesitation in speaking a lie. They gain a little and lose their all.

5. Idle words

These are the words men utter without a reason, merely to while away their time. The conversations of men are filled with silly questions and imbecile answers, which make our homes centers of idle gossip and our clubs and meeting-places so many towers of Babel. Against this type of talk did Jesus warn, when he said, “But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give an account thereof, on the day of judgement.”

I listened in rapt attention. And the Voice continued: “When you purchase an earthen-vessel, you strike it and from the sound make out if it is cracked or not. So, too, is the integrity of man proved by his speech. If the words a man utters belong to the first two classes, verily, is he blessed among mortals. Such a person spreads sunshine wherever he goes!”

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Even at a glance, teenagers are in a constant process of change. They are growing both emotionally and physically; they are learning to develop an individual identity; discovering their interests; have more rigorous classes to keep up with in school. To an adolescent, that’s quite a lot of things to go through at once. Recognising that a teenager is experiencing all of the above can be a significant reason for establishing trust in the parent-child relationship.

What is trust?

Simply put, trust is viewed as one’s belief or confidence in another person’s general reliability, dependence or ability to accomplish a task. Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street. When built, trust is a mutual agreement and when broken, it is a rupture in the relationship. However, no matter how it is established, it can take just one poor decision to undo it. Instead of reacting to the trust-breaking action, parents need to recognise the situation and open new lines of communication to rebuild trust with their teen. Just like trust building is a collaborative process, so is trust repairing.

Even though trust is often seen as one person trusting another, it is always a two-way street

ay and his parents had an agreement that Jay will study hard and get good grades in school. His parents trusted him to manage his time wisely, complete his assignments on time, and study. After one particularly difficult exam, Jay’s parents are notified from the school that he has been caught cheating in class and has been given a failing grade for not only the test, but also the class as a whole. Once his parents hear the news, they are shocked, confused and hurt that their son would ever do something so dishonest. They feel betrayed that Jay broke their trust and wonder whether they had been overly permissive as parents.

A [mindful] plan of action

First of all, remember that when trust is broken, a relationship is damaged but not destroyed. Like most things that are damaged, initiative can be taken to repair and rebuild.

Step 1: Get in touch with your emotions.

After realising that your teen broke your trust, you need to get in touch with your feelings. The best way to be mindful in the moment is to stop and ask yourself questions about your emotional experience. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Give yourself time to bring your emotions into your conscious awareness. You may be feeling angry, ashamed or worried. Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust. Reacting on your anger without awareness of the feeling can result in parental decisions that further hurt the relationship with your child.

Step 2: Notice your emotional action urge.

In order to continue your stream of mindfulness, bring into awareness what your emotion urges you to do. Ask yourself, “What does this feeling make me want to do?” Getting in touch with this urge is extremely important since the purpose of encouraging your teen to rebuild trust is to not engage in this emotionally-driven impulse.

Allowing for a mindful, non-judgmental noticing of your feelings is the first step to not reacting to whatever your teen did to break your trust

Step 3: Look at initial outcomes.

“What sort of outcome would this emotional urge lead to?” The purpose of this step is to realise that acting on your initial emotional reaction can possibly lead to harmful consequences for you and your teenager. By allowing time to explore these outcomes, you give yourself the ability to brainstorm new ways of approaching the situation.

Step 4: Brainstorm alternatives and collaborative conversations.

Now you can brainstorm new strategies and alternatives. Come up with a plan before you speak to your teen. Firstly, avoid using loaded statements such as, “I’ll never trust you again”. Instead, communicate by listening to your teen’s story. Listening to his/her story may give you a different perspective on why it happened. Find a balance between blaming your teen for his/her mistake and minimising his/her actions. Acknowledge together that your teenager is taking responsibility for his/her actions. Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help. Come up with specific goals that both you and your teen can do to reconcile this breach of trust. This way you collaboratively make amends and allow your teen to feel supported and motivated for the future.

Your role, as a parent is to encourage rebuilding by asking your teen what you can do to help

The role of positive reinforcement

After having your collaborative conversation, encourage and positively reinforce any future rule-following or trust-building behaviour in which your teen engages. Be sure to let him/her know that you are willing to support and reward responsible behaviour.

Jay’s parents are aware that they feel personally hurt and betrayed by Jay’s actions at school. They notice that this hurtful feeling is making them want to act from a perspective of anger since they feel violated from his breach of trust. They blame themselves for possibly being too permissive with him in the past, and they notice the urges to yell, scream and blame him for his dishonesty. By taking the time to recognise their emotions and urges, Jay’s parents realise the possible outcomes of following through with their urges. By yelling at and blaming Jay, they will lower his self-esteem and cause him to possibly distrust or even withdraw from them in return. After brainstorming, Jay’s parents decide to talk to Jay about what happened. Keeping in mind any urges to yell or shout at him, they instead decide to listen to his story. They ask him, “What can we do to help so that this does not have to happen again?” Together, Jay and his parents work collaboratively to set goals, study routines and leisure time so that he is better prepared and less stressed for future exams.

Finally, remember that your teenager will make mistakes. As long as your teen keeps growing, he/she will continue to push your boundaries. From a teenager’s perspective, some of the most transformative experiences in their life are after parental reactions to these violations of trust. Keep in mind that rebuilding trust is not a burden that needs to be placed only on you or only on your child.

This was first published in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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The truth about lies

A well-known truth about lying is that everyone, including children, knows it’s bad. But we still indulge in it because the trade-off for lying is some kind of short-term payoff. And frequently, this payoff is higher than the perceived loss that comes with speaking the truth. Whether in business or in daily life, we have been conditioned to choose profitable opportunities over defeating ones. This same short-sightedness, when transferred to  children compels them to focus on the immediate benefits of lying even at the cost of overlooking the long-term harm it does to their character.

Consider these:

• No I didn’t get any homework today [evading responsibility]
• I was not misbehaving at the party [avoiding punishment]
• I did not break that jar, it just fell [escaping consequences]
• I did not hit him. He hit me first [keeping own self-regard]

From the child’s past experiences, she has learnt that telling truth often results in bad/unwanted consequences while lying helps her avoid them.

The past makes way for the future

Your child’s bad behaviour in the past may have led you to punish her. That’s how parents’ discipline their children when their actions call for it. But though punishment is necessary, it is never sufficient. That’s because the child does not understand why she is being reprimanded. All she knows is that if her mother doesn’t know the truth, the negative outcome vanishes and so does the punishment. That is why every child getting punished needs to understand exactly why she is being punished. She has to be told that it’s not the ‘naughty act or event’ but the ‘outcome of the naughty act or event’ that is responsible for her punishment. Not doing so means that we are indirectly encouraging our kids to lie.

Watch for these signs

When kids get caught in a lie they often:

• Look away and make little eye contact with you
• Cross their arms or switch gestures if they get nervous
• Get fidgety because of guilt and fear about their punishment.
• Repeat themselves several times so you’ll believe that they didn’t do it

When you’ve identified the lie, be cautious as well as compassionate. Even the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court shows compassion and offers punishment that is corrective. As parents we can certainly to do better than that. After all, our objective is not to simply punish our children and make them feel bad, but to make sure that we’re raising them to be responsible and honest individuals.

Be considerate

If you suspect that your child is lying, don’t immediately accuse her. Remember that your child may actually be very afraid at that moment and just like adults, kids too are more comfortable speaking the truth when they are not afraid. So you first have to earn the trust of your child. To support your child in telling the truth, make him feel safe, loved and respected. Listen without judgment.

Magnify the truth

One would often assume that if you want your child not to do something, you have to make her feel bad about doing it. All children know that it is not good to lie, but they do it out of fear. By focussing on what you ‘don’t’ want them to do, you’re drawing more attention to that behaviour. Now they will not only be fearful but also guilty.

A better way to manage this situation is to praise your child each time she speaks the truth. That will motivate her to speak the truth more often—in fact she will enjoy it too. Use phrases such as:

• “It’s very good to know that you are speaking the truth”
• “You’re a brave child for having spoken the truth”
• “I like knowing the truth. Thank you.”

Take your own advice

If you don’t want your children to lie to you, you also must be completely honest with them in everything that you say to them, even when you’re refusing to give or do something they want. When they ask you why they can’t go play outside, instead of making up some arbitrary reason that isn’t true, share the real reason with them. Involve them in your process of wanting to be honest with them. And if the honest answer is that “you don’t know”, go ahead and tell them that you don’t know. Because it’s alright to not know! Your children need to learn that too—that it’s ok to not know. They need your honesty more than you realise it. By living what you want your children to do, you’ll set an example and show them what’s possible. They will learn to be brave, today as well as when they grow into adults.

The post Why Children Lie and What You Can Do About It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How is it different?

Children learn to lie as they learn any other behaviour —from what they observe and from trial and error. They understand what works best to help them stay out of trouble. Sometimes there may be a motive behind the lying and at other times it may just be a play with imagination. You have reason to be alarmed if your child begins to lie about everything and anything. She is just unable to tell the truth. This habit becomes a part of her personality and starts to interfere with her relationships at school/ college, home and in society. As a rule, lying becomes more like a reflex than a well thought over response.

Compulsive lying requires special attention as it may be an indicator of other emotional disturbances that your child may be going through. Generally, children who develop this pattern of lying may be more disturbed than others their age. There are chances that they will develop behavioural disorders or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. In the absence of timely intervention it may also extend to personality disorders like anti-social personality disorders.

Children learn to lie as they learn any other behaviour —from what they observe and from trial and error

How lying becomes a habit

Lying proves to be beneficial to the child in many instances and hence reinforces her behaviour. It brings a certain kind of comfort and the child is able to escape the immediate stress of situations, albeit momentarily, thereby becoming an escape mechanism like an addiction, and similarly, just as difficult to give up. Speaking the truth may invite some discomforting experiences, so the child feels it’s safer to lie. One lie leads to another and thereby starts a series of lies in order to cover up the previous one. If the child is not stopped in the primitive instances, she may find this a convenient option and stick to it. Lying soon extends to manipulating situations and communication. Some of the factors contributing to this are:

Fear

This is the most common cause for lying. Escaping scolding or punishment is the reason behind this. Unfortunately, this also widens the gap in communication between you and your child. Harsh/corporal punishments and ill-treatment may push your child to lying. A lot depends on how sensitive your child is; some children who are over sensitive may resort to lying, even on being mildly rebuked.

Doubt

There are times when your child may want to tell you some thing but is not sure if you will receive it well. It could be because s/he is low on confidence and is not able to voice her/his feelings or opinion. You may have to go that extra mile to show your child that you can be relied upon. Persistent lying causes loss of trust in parents as well as the child’s friends, and this could further reinforce a negative self image in your child.

Harsh/corporal punishments and ill-treatment may push your child to lying

Assumption

Children often assume and believe that parents may always react to things in a negative manner and hence give up on speaking the truth much before the situation actually happens. The child’s fixed ideas may not allow her to share her feelings openly with you.

Habit

Sometimes your child may lie out of the habit of doing so; she may not have an apparent reason to manipulate, yet she may lie. Such children may care less about consequences and even have means to overcome them by clever manipulation. They are more likely to continue lying as adults and even take up anti-social activities.

Here are some indicators that can help you identify whether your child’s lie is compulsive:

Denial

The child refuses to accept the truth when confronted , “I don’t know who did this. I didn’t do it”. He may even falsely name someone else for the mistake in order to escape the situation. In children who lie out of compulsion, denial is seen almost in all situations irrespective of whether it is necessary or not.

Hiding the facts

The child may not share any information regarding certain situations that he is expected to. For instance, he may not tell the dates of exams in the school, “the teacher did not say anything”, “we do not have any home work today”, “they didn’t give us the corrected papers”. Parents may only find it accidentally from another child’s parents or if they happen to inquire at school.

Twist the truth

Here the child may not be very clear in the answers when you ask her. She may speak parts of the story and tweak some aspects as per her convenience and comfort, “I had gone to the laundry to get the clothes but I don’t know why it closed early”. She may not always have a valid explanation but she may seem very confident about what she says.

In children who lie out of compulsion, denial is seen almost in all situations irrespective of whether it is necessary or not

Exaggerate

This may commonly happen when the child is faking some physical distress like—abdominal pain, headache, or some other non specific thing that cannot be easily seen or verified. They may even make vivid stories of small discords in the school or at home to gain attention and special treatment from friends or family members. On verification you may find some truth to the story but the child’s version is definitely exaggerated.

Watchfulness

Children, who lie as a rule, are very alert and vigilant about things and people around them. They can be very intelligent and that is what helps them to manage their way through situations that they perceive as threats. This also makes them stay rather aloof and not make very close friends. The friends they make also have similar habits and interests.

Your role to help

One thing that does not help is punishment. In fact what does help is:

Patience

One has to be able to contain the ‘knee-jerk’ reaction of scolding or punishing the child. The emotions of anger and disappointment that surge within have to be contained before acting. This may be difficult, but is the most important thing as everything that is done or needs to be done, will be nullified if patience is lost. Being patient cultivates the ground to build a trusting and secure relationship.

Know the reason

Once you find out that the child is lying, try to understand the cause behind the child’s behaviour. It immediately prevents the negative feedback that inhibits the child from speaking the truth. He may see that you are ready to understand his reasons and are not as threatening as he assumes.

Empathy

Acknowledge and accept the emotional state of your child. This makes the relationship secure and opens up communication channels. Putting across conditions to acceptance tells children that they will be loved only if they behaved in a certain manner, and pushes them to lie and pretend to be as you wish them to be.

Be a friend

Work on building a relationship that is non-judgmental. Play games that involve sharing secrets; write letters to each other to communicate things that you do not want to discuss openly. In case there are issues that require confrontation, be gentle. Speaking the truth requires courage. By being gentle, you allow courage to build over a period of time. Remember, one only shares secrets with friends—not parents.

Model the right behaviour

It’s unfair to expect our child to not do what we do. We have to act in line with what we teach. Demonstrate to the child that you speak the truth no matter what. Otherwise the child may feel that her elders are only being authoritative and eventually everyone lies.

If, after all your best efforts, your child still continues to lie habitually, seek the help of a competent counsellor.

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