If Only I Had the Courage…

How many times have you thought to yourself “If I only had the courage!”?

The courage to make that change, take that chance, speak my mind, say No to something that doesn’t inspire me, or say Yes to something that does.

“Arrghh, if only…” we tell ourselves as we weigh up the risks, and focus on all that might go wrong. Desperate to avoid nagging feelings of regret, we do our best to rationalize why sticking with the status quo isn’t so bad. While we clutch onto whatever evidence we can find to ease regret and keep doubts at bay. All the while somewhere, deep inside, we wish we’d been braver.

Talk to anyone in the twilight years of their life and they are likely to tell you that when they look back on key decisions in their life, they wish they’d acted with less timidity and greater boldness. Many people—old and not so old alike—have shared with me how looking back on even just the last 10 years they can see how they underestimated themselves too much, played safe too often and, if given the chance to do it over, would have leaned more toward risk and less toward caution.

Which is why I am passionate about challenging people to rethink risk, to expand the vision that they have for their life and to be more courageous—in work, in love and in life. Having witnessed the possibilities that can open up when people decide to stop playing safe, I know that even the most timid souls and risk-averse worriers can act with courage. That is, to take action in the presence of their fears and doubts, not in their absence.

Living With Courage Means Living Wholeheartedly

The word courage comes from the French cor, meaning heart. So at the core of courage is choosing to live wholeheartedly—to bare your heart wide open to the full spectrum of experiences and emotions; to stop letting fear run your life, and to start owning your power to create, achieve, become and contribute all that inspires you.

But how do you move beyond the platitudes and T-shirt slogans about being bold and living fearlessly? How do you actually take that brave audacious leap of faith over a chasm of fear?

You start by asking yourself “For the sake of what?” You see, nothing worthwhile is accomplished with a guarantee of success; risk is a toll, which life exacts en route to any meaningful endeavor. So finding the courage to risk demands being super clear about ‘why’ you are doing it in the first place.

We are wired to focus more on what we have to lose than what we might gain. Therefore, before you can find the courage to risk losing something—whether it be material security, social status, professional pride or admiration—you have to be crystal clear about what it is you want to gain in the process. “For the sake of what?” are you going to lay your reputation, your pride, your status and vulnerability on the line? Only when your desire for something transcends your desire for safety [and comfort] can you rise above the fears hard-wired into you to protect you from such dangers.

Your ‘Why’ is what gives your life a sense of purpose and lies at the intersection of your talents, passions, values and skills. It’s what fuels you and what fills you. It’s the ‘why’ that propelled Anthony Crowley to give up the security, status and trimmings of a job in the advertising industry to pursue his passion in the performing arts. A gifted musician, playwright and artist in his mid-twenties, Anthony decided he didn’t want to look back on life wondering ‘What if?’ While Anthony’s name is not up in lights beside Lloyd-Webber’s [yet], his plays and musicals have been presented and awarded around the world. Not only does Anthony draw enormous satisfaction from his work, but he provides a powerful role model for his children and many others on what it means to live your passion.

Confront Your Fears, Rethink Your Risks

Fear often gets a bad rap, but it serves the vital role of alerting us to potential threats to our safety, protecting us from harm and pain. However, in today’s culture of fear, we can unwittingly find ourselves living in its shadow, unable to distinguish those fears that are genuinely serving us from those that are stifling our actions and limiting our experience of life.

Every day, we are bombarded with reasons why we should feel afraid. Fear of economic recession. Fear of job loss. Fear of losing our savings. Fear of radicalism, fundamentalism, government, racialism, terrorism, isolation, mutant viruses, violence, identity theft, global warming… the list is long.

Marketers prey on our fears, the media prey on our fears while politicians play on our fears. Fear sells products. Fear sells papers. Fear wins votes. Fear makes profit. Fear grows power. And fear fuels fear. That’s why, in a world that is so filled with fear, refusing to be a pawn to fear, to play safe and to think small, becomes an ever more courageous act.

As I shared in my latest book Stop Playing Safe, research psychologists have identified four key mechanisms that undermine our ability to accurately assess risk, and take those ‘smart risks’ needed to create the opportunities, influence, prosperity and success that we want.

Why Do We Play It Safe?

While there are many different psychological processes at play, there are four core ways we are ‘wired’ to play it safe:

1. We overestimate the size of risk

We misjudge the likelihood of losing something we value over gaining something we would like even more. In short, potential losses loom larger than potential gains.

2. We ‘catastrophise’

We exaggerate the potential consequences of what might happen if things don’t work out. Our imagination runs riot and we come up with all these dramatic and drastic worst case nightmare scenarios which, in reality, are extremely unlikely to occur. What would actually happen is that we’d quickly intervene if things started derailing to shore up potential losses.

3. We underestimate our ability to handle risk

This is a core factor for many people who second guess and doubt their ability to handle bigger challenges. My experience working with women is that women are particularly susceptible to this and often doubt themselves and their capabilities far more than they should. It drives them to veer away from opportunities and challenges rather than lean toward them because they doubt their ability to handle them well. As Mark Twain once said, “I have known a great many troubles in my life, most of them never happened.” Such is the power of our imagination!

4. We discount, downplay or deny the cost of inaction

How often have you heard someone justifying why they didn’t take a chance or make a change with something like “Things aren’t that bad” when you know that they are actually pretty miserable with the status quo? My guess is, likely a lot. Too often we tell ourselves lies about the cost of not taking action because we are too afraid to take it. The truth is that when things aren’t going well, they usually only get worse if we do nothing. While there is always a risk to taking action, there is also a risk to inaction. Getting real about the cost of inaction is essential to find the courage to it.

The result of these combined psychological mechanisms is that people often end up being overly cautious; unwilling to take the very risks needed to create more meaningful lives. However, when we shine a light on our fears and become truly present to the cost of inaction [and believe me, there is always a cost!], we loosen the grip that fear has on our psyche, improving our ability to accurately assess risk and discern the smartest path forward, even if not the easiest or most comfortable.

What Would You Do if You Were Being Truly Courageous?

It was six weeks before her wedding day when Anne, a doctor, called me to say she was having major second thoughts about whether to proceed with her wedding. While she admired the man she was going to marry, she’d become increasingly uninspired by the idea of spending her life with him. When I asked her how she felt about ending the relationship and calling off the wedding she insisted, “I can’t break it off—it would kill him. It would kill me too!” Anne’s fear of the fallout from breaking off her engagement was understandable, but—as I pointed out to her—just because it was an incredibly hard thing to do didn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do.

After much soul searching Anne made the very brave decision to break off her engagement. She didn’t die. Nor did he. While she said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do at the time, what it taught her was that she was more courageous than she thought. That knowledge emboldened her to pursue her dream to join Doctors Without Borders. Nine months after calling off her wedding, she was managing a remote hospital in Darfur that served internally displaced Sudanese refugees. Since then Anne has not only married a man she is inspired to live her life with [and is soon to have their first baby], but has done extraordinary work in supporting the world’s most needy.

So before you read any further, ask yourself this: “What would I do if I were being truly courageous?” Go on, take a minute to close your eyes, breath deeply and sit with the question. As you do, give your imagination permission to soar and then open your heart to wherever it takes you. However large or small, daunting or seemingly insignificant it is, just know that within you lies all the resources you ever need to live your answer. One day, one hour, one act of courage at a time [however small it may seem.]

How to Find Courage in Life

When it comes to fulfilling your potential at work—to making the full contribution you are capable of and being rewarded for it accordingly—there are two core fundamental mindsets that separate those who experience deep career fulfillment and success from those who don’t. The first mindset is based on the premise that the risk is to be avoided; the other that risk is to be embraced as a crucial element of success. I call these mindsets the risk-averse Fear mindset and the risk-ready Courage mindset. One is driven by fear of what could be lost, the other by desire for what can be gained.

While there is no doubt that some people are naturally more comfortable taking risks than others, science has proven that courage is a skill and, like all skills, it can be learned and developed to a level of mastery with consistent effort and commitment. When you choose to develop a courage mindset, your psychological courage muscles are strengthened every time you use them. You sharpen and shape your courage skills every time you intentionally choose to step beyond what is comfortable, put yourself at risk and bravely render yourself vulnerable to something you fear. Courage is ultimately a mindset. So is fear. Read Let’s deal with fear.

The table below lists 10 core attitudes of a courage mindset along with the corresponding attitudes of a fear mindset. Think of a current challenge or opportunity you are facing. As you read through the list of risk-averse mindsets, ask yourself what conversations and actions you could initiate to approach each one with a risk-ready courage mindset. I encourage you to write down your answers as they come into your head… before they leave again!

When you focus on what you don’t want to happen, you psychologically enlarge the holes in your safety net, amplifying timidity into full-blown terror. As I stood on that trapeze platform looking down, the holes in the safety net beneath me seemed to grow larger by the second until my imagination had me falling right through them.

Somehow I convinced myself to focus. I took a few very long, deep and deliberate breaths, then I leaned out from that platform to grasp the trapeze bar. Off I flew letting out one mighty scream along the way.

Having dared to fail countless times in my life, and having succumbed to self-doubt and fear nearly as often, I know all too well that courage is not a one-off decision. You don’t just choose to be courageous and then never have another moment of cowardice or even hesitation. No, becoming more courageous is more about moving in the direction from which courage calls.

Some days you’ll feel like you’ve just hit the ball out of the park—you’ve been bold and assertive, spoken up to your boss about the new role you’d like to take on, volunteered to lead the next sales meeting, signed up for a marathon … you’re on a [courage] roll. Moving in the direction of courage! Then on other days… you’re not. You keep your mouth closed during meetings even though you really don’t agree with what’s being said. You shy away from ruffling anyone’s feathers. You’re operating from fear, moving away from courage. Such is life. It’s about having more courageous days, than fearful ones.

Trust Yourself: You’re Capable of More Than You Think

When I started my second career in coaching [which later evolved into speaking and writing], I had four children under the age of six. I remember being a little overwhelmed at the idea of starting a business with such young children, particularly since I was living in another country at that time with no family support network around me. But I was passionate about pursuing a calling, and I knew that if I did nothing, I would look back with regret. I also believe that we can hardly tell our children to pursue their dreams if we don’t first have the courage to pursue our own.

What I learnt over the ensuing years is that too often we let our fear of “not having what it takes” keep us from taking the actions that would enable us to realize we have everything it takes. That doesn’t mean that we can conquer our own personal Everest in a day, a month or a year. But if we take one step forward toward whatever it is that inspires us, over time, those baby steps lead us to new places, new experiences, new opportunities and a greater realization of just how much we can accomplish if we set our mind to it.

New research has lent credence to the words Lao Tzu wrote 3000 years ago: “People are capable of more than they think.” Whether backpacking around the world on my own at 21 for a year, having a fourth child [a definite leap of faith!], or starting to write my first book Find Your Courage with four children under seven at that time, I’ve learnt that when we doubt ourselves, we limit ourselves. Only when we dare more boldly can we ever harness the potential that resides with us and fully share our unique talents with the world.

Courage Means You Embrace Uncertainty

My dad, a humble farmer with a generous heart, always cautioned me: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” He meant well, his words were guided by his desire to protect me from disappointment, but his advice was not for living a wholehearted life. All change, even change for the better, is uncomfortable because it demands giving up what we know for an uncertain future. That’s why so many people choose to stay in jobs they loathe, in relationships that leave them lonely, and to quote Thoreau, “Living lives of quiet desperation.”

Afraid of uncertainty, people choose the inevitability of things never getting better because they are afraid of the possibility that they may end up worse than they were before. However, as you journey through life, unless you are willing to trade the familiarity of the status quo for the possibility of a better one, you run the greater risk of short changing yourself. When you let your fears drive you to settle for less than what you really want, you sell out on what you could be. All the while dreams retreat, passion wanes, doors close, talent sleeps and life passes passively by. It is the ultimate tragedy.

Exit Your Comfort Zone

When I first left my parents’ small farm at 18 to move to the city for university, I was part terrified, part excited, and completely outside my comfort zone. As I found out then, no worthwhile aspiration can be accomplished from within our comfort zone. Only in giving up the security of the known can we create new opportunity, build capability, and grow influence. As we do, we expand the perimeter of our ‘Courage Zone’, our tolerance for risks and confidence to take on bigger challenges in the future.

There is no doubt that there are real dangers we need to be cautious about. But in our overcautious, competitive and accelerated world, there are also countless opportunities. None of them lie in our comfort zone [none of the really great ones!]. Only those who refuse to cower to fear and are willing to take risk will see and seize those opportunities and reap the rewards they bring. When you dare to do the very thing you are afraid of, you’ll find the universe conspiring for you and presenting opportunities that always [and only] lie on the other side of your comfort zone. So live by design, not default, taking one action every day that moves you outside your comfort zone, however small or insignificant it may seem.

Think Big; Start Small

Of course, it usually takes less than a minute after connecting with an inspiring vision to feel overwhelmed by the size of the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Which is why, however audaciously big your dream, you need to start by breaking it down into smaller shorter-term goals, with doable ‘bite sized’ actions, that you can achieve.

“You don’t have to see the whole stair case. Just the first step.”

— Martin Luther King

Identifying the first few steps is a strategy that has worked for many clients of mine, including Julie Webber, an IT professional, who shared with me that she wanted to advance in her company and take on larger leadership roles, but wasn’t confident in how to go about it. “So what’s the first thing you could do?” I asked her. “I could volunteer for a leadership role in my professional association… They’re always asking but I’ve held back because I was afraid of not being good enough,” she offered up. “And I could say more on conference calls,” she added, “since I usually stay quiet.” Today Julie is blazing all sorts of new trails for herself because she thought big, but started small.

Closer to home I can share with you how I’m also managing overwhelm in pursuing my goal of launching my own online TV show Raw Courage TV. I can assure you that the size of the gap between where I am, sitting in my office, and the vision I have for it five years from now [Oprah, watch out!] is vast. So I’ve begun with small steps:

• Chose the name
• Bought the URL
• Engaged a website designer
• Scripted the first 10 episodes
• Sourced videographers
• Reached out to my hit list of people I’d love to interview
• Set up the social media pages.

It’s a huge undertaking, but as I know that unless I start doing something, even if I’m not quite sure of every step ahead, one year from now I will be better off than if I wait to figure out exactly what’s needed before taking the first one. Likewise, if you find yourself moving into overwhelm, focus on what you want to do the next day, or week. Then next week, do the same thing. Repeat as necessary!

Summary

Action is the most potent antidote to fear. The only way to rise above it is right through the heart of it. Accordingly, living courageously is not the absence of knots in your stomach, a lump in your throat, chattering teeth or sweaty palms. It is feeling your fears to the core, and then standing tall, breathing deep, and stepping forward in their very presence. Only then can you come to know that you never needed to feel afraid to begin with. As Anais Nin once wrote, “Life shrinks or expands in proportions to one’s courage.”

Be brave, you can do more than you think!

A version of this article was first published in the May 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing. Updated on 6^th June 2023

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Wikipedia defines a safety net as a device that “protects people from injury after falling from heights by limiting the distance they fall, and deflecting to dissipate the impact energy”. The net was first installed as a safety device during the Golden Gate Bridge construction during 1933 –1937 to prevent construction employees from falling to their death.

Humans design all kinds of safety nets in life to protect themselves in case they have a metaphorical “fall”. It would seem that safety nets make people working above it more courageous and inspire them to work harder and be more successful in the knowledge that there is something to protect them if they make a mistake. That’s true in theory but in practice, a safety net encourages failure. It becomes a hammock that makes people lax and lulls people into complacency. Knowing that there’s something to fall back upon, they tend to become less alert, practise less and are more likely to make mistakes and fail. Why? Because failure is now a “safe” option.

Success usually comes to those who don’t think about failure. They don’t give themselves an option to hesitate. Hence they are not focussed on preventing failure but on attaining their goals. Because of this courageous mindset, they usually succeed in a big way. But if you think courage is synonymous with recklessness, this adrenaline-pumping issue will make you change your mind. It will make you see that courage is the only thing that makes life worth living. On the other hand, the stakes of timidity and comfort zones are way too high—though we may continue to breathe and exist, we end up losing out on life itself.

In the New Year’s first cover story, Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval share true accounts of grit and greatness. The stories will arouse your latent valour and make you re-think about the safety nets that might be preventing you from living to your highest potential. “Too often, our typical default setting is to fear disaster, rather than actually plan for it,” they write adding, “We live life avoiding what we fear, a hundred times a day. And what we fear often comes down to failure or rejection.”

Best-selling author of Bangkok 8 and its sequels, British writer John Burdett experienced firsthand how comfort makes you lackadaisical and sets you up for failure. He urges aspiring novelists to shun security and treat comfort as their enemy, an advice I relate to, not just as a writer but as someone who values life. He says, “It is quite amazing how hard the subconscious works when it is made to understand that this life is not a rehearsal, there is no safety net and no assurance of any final closure. It is also quite appalling to realise how catatonic the imagination can become when we hedge our bets, opt for the safer direction at every fork in the path.”

As you read this issue, I hope that you will regain your nerve to step out of your comfort zones and live life the way you were meant to—boldly.

Wish you a joyous 2016!

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1. Extraordinary is an action

You might disagree with me on grammar and say that extraordinary is an adjective [quality] and not a verb. Well, you are right, and that is where the secret lies. How do you think a human quality comes to life? Extraordinary people don’t materialise out of thin air, do they? They appear in reality by ‘doing’ things that help them acquire the quality of being extraordinary.

A while back, I heard from someone who was in an extremely stressful situation, and didn’t know the way out. I tried to help by giving suggestions, but she kept dismissing my ideas for some reason or the other. I then realised that the person did not want to be helped, she wanted to complain and act victim. Helplessness is a habit. And extraordinary people don’t have it. In fact, they do the exact opposite—they complain rarely and focus on solving problems. They make sure that happiness is their prime goal. Extraordinary people ‘do things’ to make their life more valuable and different than the rest. It is about acting in ways that are uncommon or unexpected, and going out there and doing something way beyond your perceived limitations. Action definitely leads to being extraordinary.

Helplessness is a habit that extraordinary people don’t have

2. Extraordinary is an attitude

Being extraordinary is not genetic or in-born. It is a collection of powerful thoughts. When you tell yourself over and over that you are a capable individual who is on her way to achieving great things in life—a spark ignites in your mind. It lights up a fire that drives your attitude. Fortunately, our attitude is entirely in our control, irrespective of the good and bad that happens to us.

Everyone on this planet has his/her share of ups and downs, misfortunes and bursts of good luck, and yet, we all respond differently to similar events. Have you wondered why? Because some people call upon their inner strength to rise above the daily clutter and focus on their best qualities and biggest goals. Every time a door or an opportunity closes on you, take it up as a challenge and march right ahead. It is an indication that what is best for you has not yet presented itself or that you have not focused on what you really want. Isn’t it common that just when we think all doors have shut on us, suddenly a perfect one opens, out of nowhere? Extraordinary achievements begin in the mind—attitude—more than in the reality of our current situation. As we allow for a proactive and empowered attitude to take roots in our mind, extraordinary results flow from there.

3. Being extraordinary is a choice

By now, you must’ve realised that being extraordinary is neither an accident nor a special privilege that some have and others don’t. It is a self-created state of being your best. And we become our best self when we choose the best. For example, when someone is being mean or rude to you, what is your first reaction? If you feel like getting back or paying the person in the same coin, you’ve taken the ordinary way out, and that takes no special effort.

On the other hand, it takes solid strength of character and a well-considered choice to be different than the person who disrespects you. You can choose to not be insulted and speak and act with balance in the face of disrespect. This really puts the brakes on the other person. She doesn’t know how to respond to your extraordinary response. The next time, such people will think twice before crossing the line. Extraordinary people hold themselves to high standards and choose wisely, especially, under pressure and stress.

Extraordinary people call upon their inner strength to rise above the daily clutter and focus on their best qualities and biggest goals

4. Extraordinary requires daily effort

If we continue to make the same mistakes we made before, and don’t learn from them, our chances of becoming an extraordinary individual diminish greatly. Learning from everyday experiences and closing the loop with feedback and improvement is a secret weapon of extraordinary people. At times, it is the most obvious thing to do, yet many of us just don’t catch on. It is simple, continuous and incremental improvements that make massive results possible. Extraordinary people don’t become so, one fine day. They practise being extraordinary every single day by making seemingly small, but important improvements; so can you.

5. Extraordinary demands discipline

Discipline doesn’t come easy to anyone. I’ll give you my own example. Before I began brisk-walking more than three kilometres every day, it was nearly impossible for me to do so. Yet, my body told me that I needed to exercise more, and I began to push myself every single day to put on my walking shoes, go out there and walk. The first week was no fun at all. My body ached and I was out of breath. Then, something began to change, imperceptibly, but surely. At the exact same time, every day, an alarm bell would go off in my head that said—time to walk. Before I knew, I was already walking out of the door. To my surprise, I really started looking forward to tying my shoelaces and stepping out. Just three weeks of discipline had turned into a habit.

You can do the same with anything you choose, to make it a good habit. Extraordinary people have the ‘stickiness’ that makes discipline a part of their lives.

It is simple, continuous and incremental improvements that make massive results possible

6. Extraordinary is about learning

For most of us, learning becomes an occasional event once our formal education ends. I’ll let you on to a secret: real life learning begins only after getting a degree. That’s when we need to step up on learning, big time. Extraordinary people learn from little things in life by keenly observing themselves and others. There are innumerable avenues to learn. You can read books, listen to audio talks, attend seminars, watch inspiring videos, talk to those who are wiser than you… the list goes on.

Extraordinary people remain eager to learn every waking hour. No exaggeration. Every experience tells us something valuable, even the bad ones. We just need to choose to extract the learning and implement it at the right time. Extraordinary people are always ready to learn.

7. Extraordinary is a belief

What we believe is what we get. What we don’t believe, but continue to want, might elude us forever. In essence, if you want to become an extraordinary person, you must believe with all your heart that you are capable of standing out in a crowd—of achieving the impossible. Belief creates miracles. When I was in an extremely tough life situation, I set aside the superficial busy-ness of my life and focused on the ‘why’ of the situation. I realised quickly that the problem lay in my own head, not in the world outside me. It was a rude shock, but I decided to act on my discovery. From that day, I resolutely believed that I was deserving of being supremely happy and earning all good things in life. And that’s exactly what happened—almost effortlessly and in an amazingly short span of time. This is my truth. So, I can confidently say to you that believing in your chosen goals and dreams really elevates you to the level of an extraordinary person.

If you put these seven secrets into practise with all your heart, success will be yours to take.

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