Well, he put his foot in his mouth all right; however, I am not too sure about a distant elderly uncle of mine whom I ran into at a wedding recently. I sought him out and greeted him in typical Coorg style by touching his feet three times. He gave me a levelled look as he smoked his pipe. He then exhaled a cloud of smoke from the corner of his mouth and said: “I remember the name, but forget the face!” I am still trying to figure out if it was a case of slip-of-the-tongue or a deliberate attempt at being downright nasty.

The chief who ‘delivered’ his speech

Talking of goof-ups, the oft-repeated is the one about an absent-minded professor hunting for his reading glasses while wearing them. That was until we heard another story of a hysterical mother who frantically went around asking the whereabouts of her youngest child while carrying the baby on her hip!

One of the classic faux pas of the action kind is the joke about a busy executive who, in typical ‘Dagwood’ style, while rushing to catch the morning carpool to office, kissed the door and slammed the wife.

But, one of the best mix-ups, which happened about five decades ago, involved a tribal chief of a remote island colony of the British. The chief was to make a speech on the occasion of the visit to the island by no less a person than the then-young Queen of England, accompanied by her royal consort, the Duke of Edinburgh.

All the dignitaries were seated on the dais, and the chief proudly wore his traditional costume, which was the bare minimum, consisting of a few beads and feathers. He had carefully written down his speech on a piece of paper, which he placed on the chair and sat on it since his attire had no possibilities for pockets. His favourite wife sat next to him, again wearing bare essentials.

When it was the chief’s turn to make the speech, he stood up and tried to pick up the piece of paper. But the paper had got stuck to his bare bottom! Unwittingly, the chief turned around and stooped over the chair searching for the slip of paper, unaware that it was wedged on to his rear. Photographers were quick to shoot the scene with the chief bending over the chair, and the audience getting a full view of the piece of paper stuck to his backside appropriately in level with the mike. A bemused queen and other dignitaries had to keep a straight face. One of the tabloids published the candid visuals the following day with an apt caption—“The Chief delivering his speech!”

Have you hissed all my mystery lectures?

Talking of foot-and-mouth disease, Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, describes himself as suffering from Dontopedalogy—the tendency of opening one’s mouth and putting a foot in it. His faux pas are often intentional and are meant as put-downs.

One of them aimed at women was: “When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” A deliberate diplomatic gaffe by the prince was directed at the visiting president of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes: “You look like you’re ready for bed!” During an official visit to Papua New Guinea in 1998, the prince had this to say to a British student who was trekking there: “You managed not to get eaten, then?”

Amongst the celebrated personalities afflicted by Dontopedalogy, it is hard to surpass Reverend William Archibald Spooner and Hollywood movie-mogul Samuel Goldwyn of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer fame.

Reverend Spooner’s howlers such as, “Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?”, “Kinquering Kongs their titles take”, “You have hissed all my mystery lectures and in fact you have tasted the whole worm and must leave by the first town drain” are all without a doubt inscrutable. The Reverend, who taught at Oxford, was so prolific with his unfathomable slips of the tongue that a word has been coined in his name—Spoonerism—which means the tendency to mix-up words beyond comprehension.

It is Samuel Goldwyn whose lapsus linguae are indubitably the most amusing. His famous “Include me out” is a classic, and the most profound. The more one ponders on “Include me out” the more philosophical it gets.

Goldwyn’s other timeless nuggets are: “Elevate those guns a little lower”, “I’ll tell you in two words: im-possible”, “We have all passed a lot of water since those days”, and: “A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on” are all-time greats. Once, Samuel Goldwyn raised a toast to Field Marshal Montgomery as ‘Marshal Field Montgomery’. His speech-errors are now famously known as Goldwynism, and the word has gone into the dictionary along with Spoonerism.

Lords or lumps?

Another hilarious case of the lapsus linguae occurred when a rather nervous novice nun, after pouring tea for a senior bishop, asked most reverentially, holding a bowl of sugar cubes: “How many lords, my lump?”

One enthusiastic letter-writer to the editor put his foot in his mouth when he wrote, “Since crime is the number one problem in our country, we should make the death sentence more severe.”

In the same vein, former Vice-president Dan Quayle had this profundity: “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

Years ago I heard a well-known newscaster on the All India Radio’s evening news bulletin announce: “A new breed of chicken has been developed which has very low morality.” He realised his slip, and quickly corrected himself by substituting ‘morality’ with ‘mortality’.

At home, we keep teasing my wife about her propensity for writing letters, and very often not mailing them. She outdid herself a few years ago when snail-mail was still in vogue by mailing a letter without writing it! The aerogramme addressed to our friends in Canada without a word written inside was promptly sent back by them with the comment, “Reading your letter was like listening to the sound of silence.”

A Rotarian husband wrote a speech for his nervous wife and told her, “Nothing to worry dear, all you need to do is simply shut your eyes and read it.”  That reminds me of my mother chiding us when we were young: “Just shut your mouth and eat what’s on your plate.”

Whenever I come across a case of malapropism, I remember a teacher from my school days who used to make light of a faux pas committed by him, by saying: “Sorry boys, for the tongue-of-the-slip!”

Excerpted with permission from Tongue of the Slip by C P Belliappa, published by Rupa Publications.

This was first published in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Of slipped tongues and other hilarious play of words appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

And then there are the people who lie to your face. Right there, in person at the grocery store. You haven’t seen each other in awhile and she’s [let’s call her Dabny] missed every one of your book club meetings for the last two months. She tells you she’s been so busy but she thinks about you every day and oh, have you lost weight? After she rushes off for a ‘work event’ you find out that she left your book club for a much cooler one than yours. So, why is she lying? I’ll tell you why.

An easy way out

Dabny believes you can’t handle the truth. Also, she’s a spineless weasel. Frankly, I don’t understand why you’re friends with her.

Why couldn’t Dabny tell you the truth, instead of letting you waste all kinds of energy and time worrying about your friendship and following her around town and bugging her apartment? And sending her emails and texting her in case she didn’t get those emails, and calling her in case she didn’t get those texts, and messaging her on Facebook in case she didn’t get those voice mails?

Recent surveys show that 95 per cent of people lie at least once a day… and the other five per cent lied on the questionnaires. If one lie was a dollar, we’d all be millionaires. Of course, inflation would skyrocket and you wouldn’t be able to afford housing, food and your cell phone bill but you’d have loads of money.

Lying is all about controlling the behaviour of others. But mostly, people lie because they’re afraid. Like your spineless weasel friend, Dabny, who screens her calls.

Most liars are insecure and starved for attention. The truth is boring, but if you have a ‘filthy-rich’ love interest, or a celebrity who is a ‘good friend’ or worse, a ‘very good friend’, then everyone at the party wants to gather around you and hear about it. Your lies have instantly made you everyone’s ‘best friend’.

Lies that irk me

Like the fictional Dr Gregory House says, “Everybody lies”. I mean cheating Jack isn’t about to tell the doctor how he really hit his head [because he and the babysitter were goofing around], especially with his wife sitting right there in the doctor’s office with him.

Or if you’re standing for elections, tell the people what they want to hear because they will vote for you based on your unrealistic promises. They will scream at you later for not fulfilling your promise. But hey, you got elected and that’s what matters, right?

And don’t get me started on the scam artists who sell pills that will either shrink your whole body or enlarge a specific part of it.

The downside to lying

Here’s the thing—I’m a literal person who expects honesty. If I take Joe blow-things-out-of-proportion literally, I ride his emotional roller coaster with him, reacting to his near-death experiences of wrestling alligators and almost plane crashes as if what he’s telling me happened exactly the way he says it did. After he’s delivered his steaming pile of hyperboles, I’m emotionally exhausted. Later, I will feel like a duped fool for believing any of it. Eventually, I don’t trust him anymore and simply nod along instead of boarding that tiresome train.

If you have a secret, you can tell me or not, I don’t care. I’m not that kind of nosy and I’m not insulted if you keep it from me. I’d rather you say nothing about your closet skeletons than claim you’ve never “had any work done” on your face. Besides, I can tell that you’ve had work done on your face. Nobody’s cheekbones look like that naturally.

As a famous, cherry tree-chopping young lad once said, “I cannot tell a lie”. Though I am fully capable of distorting the truth, it’s too energy consuming for me. I speak from experience when I say that when one lies, one has to store that lie for later reference and I simply can’t be bothered.

I lied to my mother once when I was a teenager. I came home late one day and gave her some lame excuse about breaking my watch and brought in two watch-less witnesses to back me up. But her words indicated that she knew I was lying. In one moment, I’d been caught and punished without being humiliated in front of my friends. I felt horrible. My mother was indeed a clever woman.

When lying makes sense

On the other hand, there are times when lying is a fabulous idea. For example, it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to rude or judgmental people. So what if you have a penchant for squirrel-themed salt and pepper shakers or a late-night doughnut problem? That’s none of their dang business. They don’t deserve the truth for being meddlesome. These so-called friends of yours are emotional terrorists and you can’t let the terrorists win.

Don’t enable their behaviour by answering invasive questions. If you’re a materialistic Judgy McJudgerstein and you ask me where I got this puffy, lime green prom dress and how much it was, I’m not about to tell you I bought it at an 80 per cent discount from a roadside vendor. I’ll say I paid full price for it and had it custom tailored. However, if you’re my trusted friend, not only will I tell you where I bought it from, I will also show you the other cool stuff I bought from him—like an awesome pink chessboard-topped table.

You know, it’s frustrating for those of us who believe in a meritocracy, which doesn’t exist. We watch liars pass us by on their way to the bank because of all this silly integrity with which we are burdened. If only we could tell ourselves, “Well, at least I can sleep at night because I’m not an emotional terrorist,” but then, we’d be the liars.

Nevertheless, we have to keep fighting the good fight because someday, we will win. Someday, technology will advance to the point of reading our brains and everyone will have an app called Polly Graff installed on their smartphones, which flashes holographic emotional terrorist icons above people’s heads when they lie.

Look, I can understand if you don’t want to tell me that you’ve murdered someone or just paid an outrageous sum of money for an awkwardly located tattoo, or you crashed on the couch and binged-watched Spongebob Squarepants all weekend instead of going out with me. Don’t be Dabny, the spineless weasel. You can tell me what you really did, even if it was without me. Or tell me nothing. I won’t take it personally or judge you. If you tell me the truth, I will love you and respect you no matter what everyone else says about you.

And that’s no lie.

The post Truth be told appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Yes!

Do you wish you could click on ‘Skip ad’ every time an ad starts?

How did I know?

Congratulations! You are completely normal. Studies suggest that 84 per cent of Indians switch the channel as soon as a commercial break starts on TV while the remaining 16 per cent don’t do it because they were watching Doordarshan and fell asleep.

My experience in an ad agency

I worked as a copywriter at an ad agency once. It’s the closest I’ve been to committing suicide, except that suicides are quick and you don’t have to wait for a client’s approval. What made it even more dreadful was the fact that they asked me to handle a sanitary napkin brand. Though, they learnt shortly that they never should have given a 21-year-old, idiotic, fresh out-of-college guy sanitary pads to work with, especially if he drops coffee on his desk… often.

While working there I realised that every client wants three things—a bigger logo, an ‘out-of-the-box’ idea and a ‘viral’ video. And while it’s practically impossible to nail all three every time, these days we do get to see some creative masterpieces from across the world on the internet. But turn on the idiot box just for a day and you will realise that so many of the Indian advertising brains are still stuck in the 90s.

Hair-raising ads

Take the anti-dandruff shampoo ads for example. All the guy does is slide his palm through his hair, and all of a sudden there’s what looks like a five-kilo talcum powder build up on his silk black shirt. It’s like someone tore a packet of salt right over his head. How can a person have so much dandruff? The only way that could have happened is if you’ve not washed your hair in all your life.

Talking about anti-dandruff shampoos, I saw this ad that asked its viewers, “Do you have the license to wear black?” Firstly, that’s racist. And secondly, what is the procedure to acquire this license? Do you first get a learner’s license where you can only wear grey for the first two months?

Every time I saw that ad, I imagined a long queue outside a pub caused by a nakabandi where traffic cops are checking your license to wear black. If you don’t have one, you’re stripped off your black shirt and are given a tailor’s contact details.

Glowing assurances

Shirts are also a prominent part of another clichéd concept for detergent powder ads. All detergent ads seem to have this constant character—Ziddi Daag. He’s been the permanent cast of every washing soap ad for over a decade now. He’s so stubborn he refuses to move. He’s like the Anna Hazare of daags, he just sits on a hunger strike on your shirt. But then, the powder enters like Kejriwal and wipes out Anna Hazare in a clean sweep. At the same time, your shirt starts glowing as if it is made of 100 per cent radium.

Instant everything

My favourite of the lot are the deodorant commercials. A nerdy dude sprays some on his body and suddenly all the rejected Victoria’s Secret Angels descend upon him. If this process worked in real life, it would save parents a lot of trouble of finding the right match for their son’s arranged marriage.

Since the ads show instant attraction, why can’t spraying deo give me an instant MBA degree? And ladies, it’s really shallow how you love a man for his fragrance and not his personality. We have a heart too. We’re beautiful inside.

Lighten up

Don’t even get me started on those fairness cream ads. The ads show that those creams are so intense, the girl transforms from Balika Vadhu to Bipasha Basu to Britney Spears, all in one week. And to prove it, these ads have a seven-day fairness measurement strip with the seven shades of the girl’s face.

What I’d like to know is that if the fairness cream is so strong, what happens if you apply it for two weeks instead of one? What’s the end result then?

If Day 7 is fair, then

Day 8 – fairer

Day 9 – fairest

Day 10 – Michael Jackson

Day 11 – Neil Nitin Mukesh

Day 12 – Voldemort

Day 13 – Saint-Gobain glass

Day 14 – Mr India winner

Also the girl who wants to become fair is shown to have aspirations of being either an actress or a model. Obviously, it is only by using this product that she is able to join the Forbes 100 Most Influential People list.

But for once, I’d like to see an ad featuring a girl with a normal job, like a nurse. I’d imagine an ad that shows a lonely depressed nurse who works in a government hospital. She makes such little money that she does her shopping from local stores and only during the sale season. One day out of frustration, she wants to kill herself, but just then someone hands her some fairness cream. After a week, she not only becomes fairer, but she also transforms from a government hospital nurse to an orthopaedic surgeon in a prestigious hospital.

In the end, I’d like to say just one thing: the next time you go shopping don’t buy your insecurities.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post The great Indian advertising clichés appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Yet if I were to change my profession, I’d willingly become a lawyer because there are so many bizarre laws across the world, it would make going to court seem like a comedy movie. For instance, did you know that in Alaska, it’s illegal to wake a sleeping bear to take its photograph? Or that in Washington, pretending to have wealthy parents is illegal? Or in India playing table tennis with a goldfish while it smokes is considered a criminal offence? [Okay, I made up the last one but there’s a very probable chance of it actually being a law somewhere else in the world.]

Since I wanted to practise my law skills, I did some research and it gives me great pleasure as I present to you five of the most bizarre laws across the world.

In New York the penalty for jumping off a building is—death

That’s the most ironic punishment anyone can ever think of. You’re basically punishing attempted suicide by death, which is as logical as punishing a thief by giving him money. Also, how would the authorities punish you?

I’ve got a suggestion for them; it’s a really simple procedure. Let’s say you jump and survive, they punish you by taking you to the top and throwing you off again!

If this was a law in India, I can imagine an entire police force being hired to catch these ‘criminals’. They will set up roadblocks on the side of the building so that if you fall faster than the speed limit, they can catch you.

Come to think of it, the only way to avoid this law is by setting a giant trampoline at the bottom of each building. It’s like a birthday party where life is the return gift!

In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to notify the police 24 hours prior to the event

If you thought New York had odd laws, then let me introduce you to the best law on the list. Notifying the police in advance? This sounds like the poor man’s version of Minority Report. Plus, in this modern age I’m sure if you’re a policeman in Texas you will get a Facebook invite for an event called ‘Robbery at 6’ and you can choose ‘Attending, Not Attending, Maybe Attending [based on the bribe]’.

I can only imagine the phone calls that must happen to comply with this law…

Police: Hello, police hotline. This call may be recorded for criminal catching purposes.

Robber: Hi guys! I’m just calling to inform you that I’m going to rob one house in Dallas tomorrow.

Police: All right, just call the Dallas branch and inform them. They will arrest you in about half an hour after the robbery; you are innocent until proven guilty. That’s our policy! 30 minutes or you are free!

Robber: Cool! See you tomorrow! Also it’s BYOW.

Police: BYOW?

Robber: Bring your own weapons!

Police: Oh! Good one. See you.

The only way you can avoid this law is by sending a letter of intimation to the police. Judging by the speed of the postal service, the police will capture you only once you have been reincarnated.

In Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies

Firstly, who takes a lion to a movie? Which man [or woman] is standing in a zoo and thinking, “Hmm… this lion should totally catch the latest Hunger Games movie. He’s been staring at me for quite a while now.”

Recently a man was mauled when he entered a tiger enclosure and people have been blaming the poor tiger for the attack. I believe we are getting our facts wrong. The conversation between the man and tiger must have been something like this:

Man: Hey, do you want to go for a movie?

Tiger: Sure, which one?

Man: Let’s go see Twilight.

Tiger: Why you little… *attacks man*

Also I find this law unfair to lions. What if they want to watch The Lion King or see their fellow creature’s Oscar-worthy role as the MGM logo? I know lions should not be allowed in theatres because their preferred movie snack is human. The only way someone can avoid this law is by sneaking in a lion and claiming it’s their wife who forgot to bleach in the morning.

In England it is illegal to die in the house of parliament

This is an unfair law because it’s impossible to not die of boredom in the Parliament. I want this law to be implemented in India because our politicians are so old that it should be illegal for them to be alive.

Some of our politicians are so ancient that their original voting constituencies are Mohenjodaro and Harappa. Unfortunately, no parliament allows death as an escape plan. I’m pretty sure as soon as your soul leaves your body, the House Speaker will start screaming, “Please sit down. Can all the souls please maintain decorum and sit down?!” Hence forcing the politician to stay and suffer! Rather than that he should just go to the top of the building and jump off. After all he’s a politician—no cops or road blocks can stop him!

Speaking of old people, here’s a law that was probably meant only for them…

In some states, including California, Florida, Nevada, Alaska and Hawaii, a motorist can be cited for driving too slowly

You will agree that only oldies would commit this crime. Old people should never be allowed to drive because their entire life is lived in first gear. I’m not saying old people drive slowly but their side view mirror has a sign that says: ‘Objects in the mirror may seem closer than they appear because they want you to stop blocking the road’.

It must be terrible for a policeman to catch someone driving slowly right?

Policeman: Sir, I have caught you because you were way below the speed limit.

Old man: Was I not fast enough?

Policeman: Sir, I walked and came to your car—that’s how slow you were. You need to at least drive at the minimum speed limit.

Old man: So you want me to speed?

Policeman: Sir, you’re driving so slowly that if you attempt to speed, you will drive at the normal speed!

Old man: Anything else officer?

Policeman: Yeah, please don’t drive slowly again. Don’t you know that you are not supposed to commit a crime unless you call us in advance?!

In conclusion, when I think about it, I’m really glad that India does not have some of these stupid laws. It’s true that some laws are meant to be broken but these laws… they are just out there to break you! I’m really proud of living in a country where you can do what you want without the fear of being persecuted. If you do want to learn more about strange laws, you know where to find me—I’ll be playing table tennis with a goldfish who smokes!

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post The wrong side of the law appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.