I have counseled a number of people who have come to me with feelings of guilt because their close friend has died by suicide. They feel as if they have failed their departed friend by not doing enough to save them. They mull over whether they could have done something.

If you have a severely depressed or suicidal friend, you may find yourself in a very precarious position where you want to urgently do something but see yourself as helpless in the face of severe clinical depression.

So is there any kind of intervention that you can offer to a suicidal friend, to stop their downward spiral? And what are the limitations you must accept in such a scenario?

There are several factors that contribute to the tendency of an individual feeling suicidal. Let’s look at each of them.

Factors That Contribute to Suicidal Feelings

Psychological factors

Flexibility

This is the first principle of emotional health. It is a ‘demanding’ philosophy which is at the core of all emotional disturbances. If we did not hold on to rigid demands that things must only be a certain way, life would not be hard. It is perfectly okay to have desires and preferences of how you would like your life to be. It is only when these desires are escalated to ‘absolute must haves’ that they become a problem.

Perspective

If a person thinks that every moment of their life is a catastrophe instead of keeping things in perspective, they come down a lot harder on themselves. For instance, if I view every unpleasant situation as ‘awful’, or every disappointment as a ‘disaster’, I would find it untenable to continue to live. So taking the disappointments, inconveniences and discomforts of life into context is the next requirement for emotional health.

You need to accept your shortcomings and realize that neither you nor anyone else is perfect.

Objectivity

Most youth today have very low frustration tolerance and quickly label any discomfort or something that they don’t like as intolerable or unbearable. But we all survive so many discomforts and disappointments and live to tell the story. It’s when we do not realize our capabilities of handling difficulties and frustrations that we tend to engage in self-defeating self-talk. We begin to feel hopeless and resigned and start to behave in ways that are anti-life.

As a mental health professional I feel it is imperative that everyone understands that human beings can both construct and destroy. We have the ability to resolve problems as well as to self-sabotage, and therefore you must know that it is one’s conscious choice as to the kind of self-talk one chooses to engage in, because that is what determines how you face the many challenges life throws your way.

External factors and internal factors

There is often a debate about whether people become suicidal because of their circumstances, or because of internal factors [their psychological state or their genetic makeup]. The truth is that both factors play a role. Environmental factors like social isolation, poor family support, sudden loss or abusive relationships increase the risk of suicide. However, not everyone exposed to such situations wishes to die. Therefore internal factors clearly play a part. If one is genetically predisposed to depression, is clinically depressed, has high expectations from oneself, or has a tendency to suppress emotions, the risk of suicide definitely increases.

Bio-Psycho-Socio factors

When a person is identified as being at risk of self-harm, an intervention is needed to tackle both the internal and external factors, i.e. at a biological, psychological, and sociological.

Biological

A psychiatric assessment is required to give a person suffering from depression anti-depressant medication. This should be done by a psychiatrist in a hospital along with the support of a parent/partner/friend/volunteer at home. Resources like a suicide helpline, psychiatric emergency team and family doctor should be available on call to prevent a suicide attempt. Never leave the suicidal or depressed person alone and keep weapons and dangerous substances away.

Psychological

Teach the depressed individual the principles of flexibility, keeping things in perspective and objectivity to change their self-defeating self-talk, and help them to consciously choose pro-life beliefs irrespective of their circumstances.

Sociological

Help to negotiate changes in the environment e.g. relationship counseling in the case of poor family relationships or empowering them to get out of abusive relationships, cajoling the individual to create a support system by associating with a group of friends, a religious group, or any forum, and engaging in activities on a regular basis to reduce the social isolation.

In case of some kind of loss [whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, loss of reputation or finances, or a loss of a dream/life envisioned for oneself], facilitate the grieving process and then discuss the fact that there is life beyond that event, and encourage the individual to act against his/her withdrawal impulses.

How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal

Coping with depression and suicidal thoughts is about remaining in the driver’s seat at all times, and not being a slave to your genes, your thoughts, or even your circumstances. Here are suggestions to follow if you have a depressed and/or suicidal friend:

• Communicate your concern about their emotional wellbeing
• Suggest professional help in the form of a psychiatrist [who would medicate if necessary] and a psychotherapist [who would help to reverse depressive thought patterns]
  • Fix an appointment for your friend and accompany them for the first few appointments
  • Talk to the family of the friend, expressing your concern and ask them to be involved in the process by monitoring the medication and therapy sessions
• Keep in touch with your suicidal friend; encourage and invite them to socialize with a few close friends so that isolation is prevented
• Encourage your friend to be involved in a creative pursuit, some fulfilling work or a social/religious group to keep them constructively occupied
• Help create a support system with a combination of family, friends, volunteers, and helpline numbers that the suicidal friend can turn to whenever they are feeling particularly down
• Listen to your suicidal friend patiently whenever they call and motivate them to remain engaged in therapy and to take the prescribed medication sincerely
• Help with accessing a psychiatric team or with hospitalization procedures if ever necessary in an emergency.

If you have dared to care for your depressed or suicidal friend, extended your help and support in all the ways mentioned above, then know that you have done your best.

And if, in spite of your best efforts, your friend decides to end it all, simply pray for them and make peace with the fact that we are ultimately responsible for all our own choices, and that no one can or should assume responsibility for others.

Real Case: How Rohan helped her suicidal friend

Seema was an ad-film director in a production house. She had a breakdown on the sets on more than one occasion. Her producer Rohan expressed his concern about her emotional wellbeing and told Seema to use him as a sounding board if she ever needed someone to talk to. Seema started sharing some of her troubles regularly while he listened with empathy. One night she called to say she thought she was having a heart attack. He rushed over and took her to a nearby hospital, but all medical investigations were normal, it was diagnosed as a panic attack.

These attacks started happening frequently and he would help to calm her over the phone, but kept insisting that she should urgently see a professional counselor to resolve the deeper issues that were troubling her. She refused and said she preferred to talk only to him. One day she called hysterically crying and said that she didn’t want to live any more and planned to end her life. He rushed to her home where she lived alone and found her in a very distraught state. She had overdosed on anti-histamine medication. He called an ambulance and took her to a hospital. Her stomach was pumped and he stayed with her overnight.

The hospital psychiatrist paid her a visit and asked her to take some anti-depressant medication; through all this drama Rohan stuck around. When she was discharged, Rohan insisted that she see a psychotherapist along with continuing to take the medication. So he made an appointment for her to see me and even accompanied her for the session. He came in first to brief me about her reluctance to visit me. We then had several sessions and he would continue to accompany her, sitting in the waiting room during the session. He called her mother in Pune and informed her about the gravity of the situation and suggested that she live with Seema for a while to ensure that she took the medication and also to ensure that she did not make another suicide attempt.

Soon the medication and therapy empowered Seema with better coping skills. Rohan now no longer accompanied her to the sessions with me but kept in touch via email to check whether she was keeping her appointments.

Rohan had correctly recognized the need for professional intervention and had stretched himself to ensure that she got the right kind of help and family support. He also recognized his own limitations, which could not go beyond being an empathic listener. His timely intervention averted a possible successful suicide attempt.

— Names have been changed to protect identities

Last updated on 17^th June 2020

The post How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Should a Real Friendship Feel Like?

When I think of what defines a great friendship, I recall what George Eliot said: “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

When a friendship feels that way, it seems that we can do and be anything we want to be with the support of our friend. But what happens when a friendship starts to create stress within you?

The Hidden Cost of Fake Friendships

Are you, like I was for a long time, under the notion that friendship is forever and no matter what a friend might say or do to you, you’ve got no choice but to grin and bear it? Holding on to friendships that sap the life out of you—because you think you have to or because you don’t want to be the one who breaks off—is unhealthy.

Research shows that toxic friendships can impact your mental health as much as romantic relationships gone wrong. When a friend isn’t really being a friend and is only pretending to like you, perhaps you need to take a step back and think if it’s over.

How Do You Know When a Friendship Has Run Its Course?

When it was time to let go of any friendship, I always resisted the move. I would rationalize the behavior of my friend or tell myself that I’m being oversensitive. But eventually I had to do it. I have learned now to trust my instincts about this and you will too, if you allow yourself to listen to your feelings.

The key question to ask yourself: Does this friendship leave you feeling energized or drained? Does it add value to your life or constantly take from it?

7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Only Pretending to Like You

1. You Feel Like You’re Not Being Heard (The One-Sided Conversation Test)

Recently I was at lunch with a friend and we spent hours together. When I got back home, I realized that all the while, she had done all the talking and I only listened. Except for a casual enquiry about my wellbeing, she was not interested in my life at all. I thought about our previous meetings, and I was saddened to realize that they had all been the same.

Red flag: Your friend consistently dominates conversations, shows no genuine curiosity about your life, or changes the subject when you try to share something important.

There are other ways in which friends don’t listen to us. For example, when you are in the process of making an important decision and are looking for some guidance, instead of listening to what you feel, your friend may overload you with advice based on his biases.

What genuine friends do differently: They ask follow-up questions, remember details from previous conversations, and create space for your thoughts and feelings.

2. They Make You Feel Guilty for Having Boundaries

Some people have a knack of treating others badly and when you call them out, they will turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty for pointing it out.

My friend Priya recently shared with me why she called it quits with her friend of many years, Karishma. Priya, a working single mom, was finding it difficult to attend all the social events that she would, in the past, never miss. Her mounting personal responsibilities did not leave her with any time for socializing. Sadly, Karishma could not understand this and kept pressuring her to come, sometimes even using emotional blackmail.

Warning signs of guilt-tripping:

• “If you were a real friend, you would…”
• Making you feel selfish for prioritizing your needs
• Using phrases like “You’ve changed” when you set boundaries
• Bringing up past favors to manipulate current situations

If you have a friend who behaves the same way, then know that this is just a tactic some people use to get what they want. Real friends respect your boundaries and support your life choices.

3. You Feel Used (The Transactional Friendship Problem)

A woman I know had a friend who borrowed a large sum of money from her, promising to return it. But when this woman asked for the money when she needed it, her friend made her feel horrible about asking for it back. She had no intentions of returning the money in the first place and this had been her plan right from the day she asked for the money.

Signs you’re being used:

• They only contact you when they need something
• They’re always “too busy” when you need help
• They borrow things and conveniently “forget” to return them
• They expect you to always be available but are rarely available for you

When I realized that a friend of many years showed a pattern of making friends with people who she found useful to her, it was a wake-up call. The faster we get out of these relationships, the better it is for our self-esteem.

4. Your Gut Tells You Something’s Off (Trust Issues)

Trust is a huge factor in any relationship. If you feel a lack of trust in your friendship then you must examine the reasons, check if your feelings are valid and then take a call about whether you want to continue or not.

Trust is not always broken with big betrayals. Sometimes it is the little things that erode trust. I recall when a friend of mine had started sharing with me intimate details that another friend had confided in her. I had not asked for any of this information to be shared with me; in fact, it was even making me uncomfortable.

Beware of these trust breakers:

• Gossiping about other friends to you (and likely about you to others)
• Breaking small promises consistently
• Sharing your personal information without permission
• Being unreliable with plans and commitments.

Remember, if you can’t share details of your life with this person, then that pretty much means the death of your relationship.

5. They Put You Down (Emotional Invalidation)

It is just not okay when a friend is constantly being sarcastic, making snide remarks about you, your appearance or your choices, or being verbally abusive. It’s important that you move away from such a person for your own emotional health.

Subtle put-downs include:

• Disguising criticism as “just being honest”
• Making jokes at your expense in front of others
• Minimizing your achievements or struggles
• Using sarcasm as a weapon rather than humor.

6. They’re Only Available When It’s Convenient for Them

One pattern I’ve noticed in fake friendships is the “convenience factor.” These friends will enthusiastically make plans when they’re bored or need company, but suddenly become unavailable when you need them.

Signs of convenience-based friendship:

• They cancel plans last minute without rescheduling
• They only want to hang out on their terms
• They’re “too busy” during your difficult times
• They resurface after long periods of silence when they need something

7. They Show Signs of Jealousy Rather Than Celebration

Another red flag: Instead of celebrating your successes, fake friends might downplay your achievements, compete with you unnecessarily, or find ways to make your good news about them.

Your friend is jealous of you if they are always:

• Changing the subject when you share good news
• One-upping your accomplishments
• Making backhanded compliments
• Being absent during your important moments

How to Handle a Fake Friend: Your Action Plan

Step 1: Use the Paper Test

When you’re not sure what to do, you could use a method suggested by Dr. Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends, True Friends:

“Draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side, list the good things that you get out of the friendship; on the other, the bad. If the bad outnumber the good, and you’re not getting something substantive enough from the relationship, it’s time to act.”

Step 2: Decide Your Exit Strategy

Once you’ve made your decision about moving on, you can either choose to:

1. Have a direct conversation – Best for long-term friendships where you want closure
2. Gradually distance yourself – Effective when direct communication might cause more drama
3. Set clear boundaries – If you must maintain contact (work, family connections)

Here’s a personal recommendation – I’ve found that in some friendships, it’s best to move away quietly, by distancing ourselves and slowly reducing all contact, because any direct communication about the friendship would result in more ill feeling.

Related » Signs of Toxic Friendship (and How To Withdraw Gracefully)

Frequently Asked Questions About Fake Friends

How do you know if someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore?

Look for consistent patterns: lack of reciprocity in communication, avoidance behaviors, consistently canceling plans without alternatives, and general disinterest in your life. The key is consistency over time, not isolated incidents.

What’s the difference between a friend going through a tough time and a fake friend?

Genuine friends going through difficulties: Still show care and concern for you, apologize when they’re not available, and make effort to maintain the relationship when they can.

Fake friends: Show self-centered behavior consistently, make excuses without taking responsibility, and only reach out when they need something.

Should you confront a fake friend?

This depends on the situation.

Confrontation works best when:

• You have a long history together
• They might be unaware of their behavior
• You genuinely want to save the friendship

Avoid confrontation when:

• They have a pattern of turning situations around on you
• Previous attempts at communication have failed
• You’ve already made the decision to end the friendship

The Psychology Behind Fake Friendships

Understanding why people engage in fake friendships can help you spot them earlier:

Common motivations for fake friends:

• Social status and connections
• Access to resources or opportunities
• Avoiding loneliness without emotional investment
• Keeping up appearances
• Using you as a “backup” friend

Protecting Yourself: Building Better Friendships

Green Flags of Genuine Friends:

• They celebrate your successes without jealousy
• They’re present during difficult times
• They respect your boundaries
• They apologize when they make mistakes
• They invest in the relationship consistently
• They make you feel comfortable being yourself

Red Flags to Watch For Early:

• Excessive focus on what you can do for them
• Discomfort with your other friendships
• Inconsistent behavior depending on who’s around
• Reluctance to share personal information while expecting yours
• Making you feel like you’re “lucky” to be their friend

The Healing Process: Moving Forward

Breaking off from a friendship, especially if you’ve known each other for a long time, is always difficult. It takes honesty, courage and determination to do this. Feelings of sadness, anger and regret might stay for a long time.

Yet, when you do let go of an unhealthy friendship, as hard as it might be, you create room in your life for more healthy and loving friendships.

Steps for emotional healing:

1. Acknowledge your feelings – It’s normal to grieve the loss of a friendship
2. Don’t blame yourself – Recognizing a fake friend is a skill, not a failure
3. Learn from the experience – What warning signs will you watch for next time?
4. Focus on your genuine relationships – Invest more time in friends who truly care
5. Stay open to new connections – Don’t let one bad experience close you off to new friendships

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to fake friends or struggling to identify genuine relationships, consider talking to a therapist. Professional support can be especially helpful if:

• You have a pattern of choosing fake friends
• You struggle with setting boundaries
• The experience has significantly impacted your self-esteem
• You’re afraid to trust new people

Related » Friends [always] in need?

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Real Friendship

Everyone deserves friends who genuinely care about them, support their growth, and add joy their life. Don’t settle for fake friendships out of fear of being alone.

As I’ve learned through my own experiences, it’s better to have a few genuine friends than many fake ones. Trust your instincts, value yourself enough to walk away from relationships that drain you, and stay open to the beautiful, authentic friendships that are waiting for you.

Remember what a wonderful reader once told me: “A true friend will never hurt your feelings intentionally.” Hold onto that truth as you navigate your relationships, and don’t be afraid to expect the genuine love and respect you deserve.

Have you experienced a fake friendship? Do you have a friend who only pretends to like you but does things that a friend would never do? What signs helped you recognize the situation? Share your story in the comments below – your experience might help someone else recognize their own fake friend situation.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the March 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 28^th June 2025

The post 7 Clear Signs Your Friend is Just Pretending to Like You (And How to Handle It) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandy stated she loved Dan because he was a good man, but she wasn’t in love with him. She asked him to go to marriage counselling many times over the years, but Dan refused. Dan, on the other hand, felt the relationship was going okay until Sandy told him she wanted a divorce. He admitted he knew she wasn’t happy, but he didn’t think she was this unhappy.

He was emotional as he stated Sandy was his best friend. He couldn’t imagine life without her and he was willing to do anything to save the marriage. Dan was scared he was losing Sandy and now he was desperate enough to agree to therapy. Both were worried it was too late.

I see couples like Dan and Sandy all too frequently. There is a huge disconnect between them on the state of their relationship. How can Sandy feel so alone while Dan feels she is his best friend?

One thing 75 per cent of couples are missing in marriage

Divorce rates are an obvious focus when it comes to marital happiness, but not all unhappy marriages end in divorce. In fact, there is research that says only 25 per cent of all marriages are good ones. What do 25 per cent of married couples have that the rest are missing?

According to Dr John Gottman, a pioneer in the field of marriage research and therapy, the missing ingredient is simply friendship. Gottman also explains that friendship between couples means they “know each other intimately” and “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.”

Dr Gottman studied thousands of couples over 25 years and determined that the friendship between a couple was the core of a strong marriage. He found that having a healthy marriage wasn’t that difficult or complicated, but it did require a level of intimacy most couples do not maintain.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman states that couples in good marriages “have an abiding regard for each other,” express this esteem in many ways large and small, respect each other, and enjoy one another’s company. Gottman has also found that the quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion.

What friendship looks like for women vs men

Most couples come to therapy because the woman is unhappy and lonely in the relationship but the men feel everything is going just fine. If friendship is the core of a healthy relationship, how do both individuals have such a different experience of the same relationship?

The quality of a married couple’s friendship is the most important predictor of satisfaction with sex, romance and passion

In my experience, this happens because of the way men and women experience and bond through friendship. Women know how to do friendship really well… with other women. They are very relational and conversational. Intimacy flows between women rather easily and naturally. But men do not relate to other men at this level of intimacy.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts. They need to feel as if someone understands them and accepts them. For women, intimacy means “into me you see.” It is a much deeper layer of relationship than most men ever experience, in part because of the way they were raised.

Men have had role models for generations who showed them that in order to be a good husband and father, they needed to provide financial support and stability. Women needed men to gain property, security and respect in most cultures, often sacrificing emotional intimacy for other physical needs. But as times have changed and women have become more educated and employed, they no longer need men in the same way.

As a result, women are now demanding more from the men in their lives. They require emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, men have not caught up with these changes as quickly. They are still showing up in relationships with the idea that companionship is intimacy. This is why women are much more likely to file for divorce than men.

Men create bonding relationships by doing things together like watching a sport, hunting together or playing a sport. There isn’t a lot of talking and sharing. Two men can “know” each other for years. They consider themselves great friends because they spend time together participating in that shared interest. And yet, they may not know many things about each other outside of that interest, but they will feel as if they are close.

Women need more than companionship to feel close to someone. They need the exchange of feelings and thoughts

Five actionable ways to work towards intimacy

• Set aside intentional time with one another each day to create a habit of carving out time for conversation.
• Husbands can ask specific questions like, “What do you need to feel loved today?” and “How can I help you today?”
• Wives can work towards giving honest, open feedback to these questions. Opening up to these questions and asking for what they really need will help bring intimacy back in to marriage.
• Husbands can stop listening with the intent to problem-solve. Instead, listen to what your partner is feeling and put your focus there. I promise it is almost always the right move.
• Both can phrase wants and needs as a request instead of a complaint. Inside every complaint is a wish. Drop the complaint and focus on the wish.  Complaining leaves no room for your partner to show up.

Dan and Sandy — Revisited

As they sat in my office, Sandy was skeptical that any real change could happen. Could she really love him passionately and romantically? I advise couples in this situation to give it at least six months to allow intimacy to grow. Dan took that time to learn how to relate to Sandy and communicate what he was feeling. Sandy worked towards finding her voice and letting Dan know what she needed and wanted. This work is not for the faint of heart, and it did not come with a simple flip of a switch. However, making time to work towards moving closer to one another emotionally led Dan and Sandy to have a close, vibrant friendship and a thriving marriage.

Going the distance

Marriage is often the constant re-balancing between closeness and distance. That’s part of the journey of intimacy. It is the responsibility of both partners to speak up when needs are not being met. Complaining is a great first step, but if it isn’t enough to spark change, go further. Seek out counselling even if your spouse won’t agree to come with you. If necessary, put the marriage on hold until your partner knows how serious you are. Staying quiet or withdrawing does not solve the problem. Both of you deserve better.

This was first published in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Hell is created because you expect heaven. I am telling you to accept this: the other person is going to be different. You are not the master, neither is the other the master; both are simply partners who have decided, in spite of all differences, to be together. And in fact, differences add spice to your love. If you can find a person who is just like you, you will not find much attraction. The other person has to be different, distant, a mystery that invites you to explore.

Don’t Insist on Agreement

With two mysteries meeting together, once they drop the idea that they have to agree on everything, there is no question of any fight. The fight arises because you want agreement.

If you are living just like two friends, she has her own ideas, you have your own ideas, she respects your ideas, you respect her ideas; she has her way, you have your own way and nobody is trying to impose on and indoctrinate the other. Then there is no question of a fight. And then there is no question that things are not fitting. Why should they be fitting? Why should there be any feeling that something is missing?

Nothing Is Missing

Nothing is missing; it is just that your idea of harmony is not there. Harmony is not something very great, it is boring. Once in a while, even if you fight, once in a while even if you get really angry, that does not mean that love disappears; that simply means love is capable of absorbing disagreements, fights and overcoming all these hindrances. But the old ideology gets in the way of your understanding.

There is no need for more than friendship. Love has to be a friendly affair in which nobody is superior, in which nobody is going to decide about things, in which both are fully aware that they are different, that their approach towards life is different, that they think differently, and still, with all these differences, they love each other. Then you will not find any problems. Problems are created by us.

Don’t Be Superhuman

Don’t try to create something superhuman. Be human, accept the other person’s humanity with all the frailty humanity is prone to. Your partner will commit mistakes just as you commit mistakes, and you have to learn. To be together is a great learning: of forgiving, forgetting, understanding that the other is as human as you are.

There is an old proverb: “To err is human and to forgive is divine.” I don’t agree. To err is human and to forgive is also human. To forgive is divine?—then you are raising it too high, beyond human reach. Bring it within human reach and learn to forgive. Learn to enjoy forgiveness, learn to offer an apology; you don’t lose anything when you can say to your partner, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

Give Up Your Righteousness

But nobody wants to say, “I was wrong.” You want to be always right. The man tries to prove through arguments that he is right, and the woman tries through emotions to prove that she is right—screaming, crying, weeping, tears. And most often she wins! The man becomes afraid of neighbors, and just to cool her down—because the children may wake up—he says, “Calm down, perhaps you are right.” But deep down he still believes he is right.

To be understanding means that you can be wrong, the woman may be right. It is not a guarantee that just by being a man you have the power and authority to be right; neither has the woman. If we were just a little more human and a little more friendly, and we could say to each other, “I am sorry.” And what are the things you are fighting for? So small, so trivial that if somebody asks you to tell them about it, you will feel embarrassed.

Explore Each Other’s Differences

Just drop the idea that everything has to fit, drop the idea that there is going to be total harmony because those are not good ideas. If everything fits you will get bored with each other; if everything is harmonious you will lose the whole juice of the relationship. It is good that things don’t fit. It is good that there is a gap so there is always something to explore, something to cross over, some bridge to be made. The whole life can be a tremendous exploration of each other if we accept the differences, a basic uniqueness of each individual, and we make love not a kind of slavery but a friendship. Try friendship, try friendliness; and remember always, there is nothing that is going to disturb you.

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