Co-dependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that co-dependency is learned in families and is passed from one generation to the next. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are co-dependent, this behaviour gets passed on to their children, unless they consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways. But since co-dependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.

The problem is, like addiction, co-dependency is characterised by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re co-dependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of co-dependency are:

• Being overly focussed on someone or something
• Low self-esteem
• Non-assertive communication
• Denying or devaluing your needs, feelings and wants
• Poor boundaries
• A need for control

Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:

1. Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organisations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Keeping secrets and creating ‘no-talk’ rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, children are told not to mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking. This teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.

2. Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to them shows that you respect them and this in turn teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behaviour you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behaviour you dislike without name-calling or criticising, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour because we’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to hog the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.

3. Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed to express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. Parents, often with good intentions, say, “Don’t feel sad, [or jealous, etc.]” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. However, expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. For instance, Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.

4. Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting your children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting their boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back is definitely off-limits. This also includes tickling a child or hugging them beyond their comfort level.

5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence

Co-dependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence. Unfortunately, independence is confused with rebelliousness and so is discouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments

Co-dependents often grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown that physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

7. Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but that isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.

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Parents who get into the habit of using requests or giving instructions to children worded in a question format such as, ‘Can you say good night now?’ or ‘Can you pack up your toys now?’ are often frustrated and confused as to why their children don’t listen. This is essentially because such phrases are non-committal and the child interprets it as a choice, which can be accepted or rejected as he wishes. This means that the instruction is on the child’s terms and when they don’t do as required, we in turn get angry.

When we give clear instructions, children are more likely to comply. For example:

• James, tonight I will read you two stories and then we will say goodnight.’
• ‘It’s time to pack up your toys now.’

Children learn to respond better when there is an expectation that they will act in accordance with what has been stated. Let’s look at the correct way to instruct children.

How to stop the escalation trap

To eliminate the escalation trap, delete all requests statements from your vocabulary when speaking to your children. For example, ‘Would you like to sit at the table now?’ is better expressed as ‘It’s time to come to the table now.’ ‘Would you like to take a bath now?’ is better expressed as ‘It’s time to take a bath now.’ Alternatively you can offer a choice statement and thereby avoid direct confrontation, such as, ‘Will we get the blocks or all of the books first?’ In doing so, parents give the children control and power in an appropriate way which does not reduce their in-charge position.

Elevating your child’s position to Your level may make them like you for a moment, but it does both of you no favours in the long run

Parents need to help their child learn to respond immediately instead of only when there is screaming and yelling involved. Parents need to be in control and remain regulated. You have the right to expect certain instructions be followed and that your child does the tasks that need to be done in an appropriate and considerate manner. To do all this with conviction you need to maintain your role as the adult and your child’s role as the child. It should not be the other way around. You need to listen to what your child says and make decisions that are fair and reasonable, not decisions based on making the child happy. However, remember that children are more likely to accept a decision they do not like if they feel that you have listened and treated them fairly.

Elevating your child’s position to one that is at level with yours may make them like you for a moment, but it does both of you no favours in the long run.

Rewarding cooperative behaviour with something enjoyable is effective, for example, ‘When you are finished putting your toys away, then we’ll…’ Incorporating an incentive is usually beneficial in having children do what is asked of them, for example, ‘Put the toys away quickly, so we can go to the park.’

Building fun into the instruction also helps with cooperation, such as, ‘Put all the animals into the box and let’s count how many animals we can pick up from the floor.’ By building fun into the activity children are more likely to comply with the instruction and see it as a pleasurable connecting experience.

If they ignore you or begin to demonstrate other challenging behaviour, you must act immediately. Giving warnings before the change of activity is one way to potentially avoid challenging behaviour. Using simple time methods works well such as: counting, songs, a short piece of music, using an egg timer or marking the time on a wall clock for preschoolers.

Simple steps for effective instruction giving

Step one

Use your proximity. Move closer and get to your child’s level. An arm’s length away is usually a good distance. It is also useful to use their name and make a connection with them.

Step two

Make sure that the instruction is to the point, clear and brief so that it is understood. For some children it helps to ask them to repeat the instruction and to acknowledge that they have understood: ‘Yes, that’s right.’

Step three

If there is a list of instructions, break them down and give them one at a time.

Step four

Make sure your instruction is the last thing that the child hears. If you need to explain anything, do this at the beginning; for example, ‘It’s time to go now. Stop playing and put your toys on the shelf now, thank you.’

Step five

Always use positive language when giving instructions; for example, ‘Walk inside the house’ rather than ‘Don’t run inside’.

Step six

Give your child time to cooperate [five seconds] and respond before you repeat the instruction.

Step seven

Avoid giving an instruction, leaving the room and then returning a period of time later to check.

Step eight

After giving an instruction stay focussed on the task. Avoid distracting them from what you have asked them to do.

Step nine

Use labelled acknowledgement when your child follows an instruction. Describe exactly what they did well; for example, ‘I felt so pleased to see you listening and getting quickly into your car seat, thank you.’

Step ten

When instructions are not followed issue a choice statement and follow this by a logical consequence; for example, ‘You need to put your shoes on before you can go to the park.’

The post How to instruct children in a way that they will listen appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Consider this collection of odd behaviours: Tears books. Picks nose. Whines. Gets scared of the dark. Talks in babyish voice. Throws toys. Kicks. Waves arms about. Stamps feet. Runs off. Licks nose. Steals blatantly. Makes silly noises. Swears.  Spits food out. Complains of bad dreams. Wears clothes inside out. Paints hair green. Belches. Refuses to get washed. Holds breath. Walks in a silly way. Stands in front of the TV… What do all these have in common? The answer is, they attract massive amounts of attention. This attention is usually in the form of threats, punishments or reasoning—just what the attention seeking child thrives on.

What triggers such behaviour

Children who behave like this are impossible to ignore. But they don’t plan these shenanigans. A spiral escalates from some point in the past and gradually feeds on itself, as the attention seeking child is praised less and less and produces more and more irritating behaviours to attract attention. But these do not satisfy the child, so the craving continues.

If we approach this situation strictly as per the medical definition of misbehaviour, the idea is that the problem lies within the child [much like having the flu or ADHD]. Thus, it is difficult to understand a problem that arises from a parent and child reacting to each other. This is not to blame parents; they need to be dealt with compassionately.

Parents in such situations naturally feel very upset and confused. Unfortunately there is no magic pill solution that can help them, just careful strategies. These are the usual approaches: ignoring, praising, consequences. The trick is to get the balance right—a middle way—and make all techniques effective, at home [and at school].

It is difficult to understand a problem that arises from a parent and child reacting to each other

Knowing what to ignore

We try too hard to tackle all behaviours but some need to be ignored. Unfortunately, ignoring sounds simple but it definitely isn’t. Both parents need to work at this together; it requires a high degree of mindfulness. What typically happens is that we decide to ignore some minor but intensely irritating behaviours and maintain this for a few days and then we finally react. This ‘pay-out’, even if it only happens occasionally, keeps the child hooked—just like gamblers responding to a one-armed bandit.

We need patience and persistence since things can get worse before they get better, as the child may produce more annoying behaviours that used to gain attention. But this, paradoxically, shows the approach is working.

Don’t wait till it builds up

We sometimes want to punish misbehaviour. But this can backfire and we can end up inadvertently giving the child even more attention. Parents often try too hard to be ‘good parents’ and put off tackling their little prince/princess. Then, finally, a massive punishment is delivered, which is unfortunately undermined by all the attention that led up to it. If we address the situation early on (with something like time out) , when we are under control it is much more effective. But this requires the ability to go beyond the immediate demands of our angry, dominating “I”.

An enlightened approach is to use natural consequences rather than arbitrary punishment: “You didn’t eat your meal, which means you are not hungry. So you won’t get chocolates either”, “If you throw your toys, they will have to go back in the box”. It is compassionate—tough love—but it works.

We sometimes want to punish misbehaviour. But this can backfire and we can end up inadvertently giving the child even more attention

Be generous with praise

Positive attention and encouragement for trying regularly gets overlooked as we feel compelled to respond to a deluge of misbehaviours. We shower a few positive words—but these get lost amidst all the negative feedback we provide. We need to compliment and encourage children when they are behaving well, rather than wait to be dragged over when they misbehave.

So, neither pills nor smacks but a middle way is required. This involves a mixture of traditional techniques, deployed by both parents together, not trying too hard to be “good parents”. It needs compassion [for ourselves and the child] and must be maintained consistently over many weeks. It works, as the following case study shows.

Case study: How an eight-year-old responded to tough love

Eight-year-old Andy West was referred to me because he was making poor progress in school. He never got down to any solid work. Andy would misbehave when the teacher was engaged with other children. He would twist about in his seat, slip on the floor or climb about on his desk. He was constantly restless, tapping with his pencil, shuffling his feet, etc.

His parents said that Andy showed patience but lacked confidence. He had had several hospital treatments when he was younger. He showed a good sense of humour but was very noisy which irritated his parents. He was stubborn, argued with his brother and ate too much. All these brought bags of attention. Andy told me he would do jobs at home but could only get an odd word of praise. He could, however, recall much “telling off” (attention) for his irritating behaviours.

Mrs West said her approach to discipline was to “tell a few times” before resorting to threats which were rarely carried out. She agreed she had been lenient with him, trying too hard to be a good parent to make up for his periods in hospital, rather than dealing with the here and now. Both parents accepted the need to operate more as a team. They were surprised to find out their praise had not penetrated but that Andy could recall a lot of nagging. Mr and Mrs West agreed to increase their praise and to ignore his nail biting and other minor annoying behaviours. They said that it would be difficult to be firm with Andy, however.

Two months later school reported that Andy “just gets on with his work”. Mrs West had found it easier than she thought to be strict with him. Instead of trying too hard to be “a good parent”, she had accepted the need for a “tough love” approach. Andy was happier and their relationship had improved as she was nagging less. Her relationship with her husband had improved too as they were arguing less about discipline. Andy had readily helped in the house and was pleased with the extra attention this brought. Three years later Andy was still settled.

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Parents today are overwhelmed with demands on how to raise their kids. We want the very best for our kids. We want them to be smart, athletic, healthy, kind, happy, polite, disciplined, creative and more. We want to give them everything! And before everything, we focus on getting them into good schools so that they can have the best possible education.

Kids on the other hand, are growing up bombarded by technology, needing to compete in every way, comparing themselves with others, trying to be perfect and please their parents, wanting to fit in. As a result, they are often anxious, stressed at a very young age, display behavioural issues, have little self esteem and are simply not happy.

So, from the parents whose intention is so sincere, to the kids who are trying to keep up on all fronts, what needs to change? What is missing?

We need to look at the whole experience of raising our children as a spiritual one, where having conscious kids go out in the world is more important than anything we can teach them. Here’s why raising them as conscious individuals is the best gift you can give to your children.

Why you should raise conscious kids

• • Conscious kids grow up with the ability to find and choose the work they love. They are still connected to their heart’s desire, their soul path and will not get stuck in jobs that they will eventually hate. They will often want to serve their fellow beings or contribute to the world in some way.
  • Conscious kids grow up to be in good relationships. They stay true to who they are, they do not fear intimacy, conflict or commitment. They know how to give and receive love and they are not influenced by the pressures of society to get married, have a certain number of kids by a specific age, live a certain kind of lifestyle etc. They experience freedom in being able to make the best choices for themselves.
  • Conscious kids grow up to honour their health, they are free from addictions, negative habits and have learnt from the earliest of ages that their body is a temple, something they must nurture and care for. They are strong and full of life force.

Conscious kids will have a strong group of friends around them. They will feel connected to others; will not feel separate or alone. They would have learnt that life exists in relation to people. It is not a game of the ego to compete and come first, but to collaborate for the good of all.

9 principles to help you raise conscious kids

The benefits of making the effort to not only be mindful around your kids, but also to raise them in a conscious household, to share with them what is true and beautiful and to treat them like a soul that is temporarily inhabiting their little bodies, are immeasurable! But it takes diligence and patience. Here are nine principles that can help you in your efforts to raise conscious kids.

» Instil some positive beliefs

Parents tend to project onto their kids their own beliefs about everything. Religion, food, health, people, money…

If you want to raise conscious kids, try sharing the following beliefs with them:

“The world is a safe place.”
This is very important for them to know. Most kids do not feel safe in the world and will grow up looking for safety in all the wrong places—a relationship, a job, money, reputation, owning a home, i.e. thinking that safety is something external. Help them know that they are always safe, that life is on their side even though hard things can happen, that the Universe, Grace, God—whatever you want to call it—will always take care of them. Help them understand that they live in a friendly world and that safety is an attitude in their mind, it does not depend on anything else.

“People are essentially good, some are just sad or mad, or not loved, so sometimes they will do bad things.”
This is very different from telling them to be fearful of others and gives you a context when something difficult happens to them, or in the world around them. They will learn not to be scared of others, but to have compassion for what could make someone do something.

“We are all very similar underneath it all, despite different colours, races, religions and countries we live in.”
It’s important with kids that they don’t start associating with differences but with how similar they are to others. This prevents feelings of division, of loneliness, or feeling different than others. Highlight what is the same in everyone.

“Planet earth loves you, is always providing for you through food, sunshine, rain…”
Teach kids that the planet is their friend; it wants them to think about the consequences of their actions. That doing good things for it—like planting a tree or a vegetable garden, or being conscious of their surroundings and keeping them clean—is important and they must play their part in thanking Mother Earth.

“Everyone has the right to believe what they want. No one’s belief or religion is better than anyone else’s.”
It’s our responsibility to introduce our children to all religious stories—Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, Jewish and Arabic—so that they can relate and feel informed, not different.

The world needs kids to, at the minimum, know and understand the universal religions and not only be brought up in one chosen religion, which creates a strong feeling of separation with others.

Most importantly, you must believe this yourself. You cannot teach your children anything that you yourself have not embodied.

» Develop their inner technology

Teach them the difference between external technology [iPads, iPods, TV’s etc] and their own inner technology, which is even more powerful: their intuition, their psychic abilities, their emotional guidance system, their gratitude. Teach them that the answers are inside of them and their body is way more powerful than any external device.

Value their feelings. Kids need to be shown that their feelings are valued, not only their minds. Ask them, “How do you feel?” not “What do you think?”

Let them have their imagination. Place no limits on what they believe, whether it is angels, fairies, imaginary friends or aliens. Just because you don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean they can’t. Value it all equally. Do not shut down their connection to this.

Develop their gratitude muscle. Show them the power of being grateful: have one wall in their room where they can write something that they are thankful for, daily. Show them that they get what they focus on and whatever they are thinking about will expand [the good or the bad, so they can be conscious of that].

Have them use their intuition. Get them to rely on themselves, not only on adults, for answers. Always ask them their opinion instead of giving them answers to their questions.

Create a direct connection to their body. Have them get in touch with their bodies, if they are angry or upset. Where is that feeling in their body? This way they can start seeing the relationship between what they think and feel, and realise that their body is not separate. Show them that their posture affects how they feel and that they can stand up tall to feel better, that their physical side is their connection to feeling better. Teach them how to breathe—I mean, really breathe deeply—and how fast that can calm them down and make them feel better. Create ‘breathing breaks’ where all they do is take 10 deep breaths. Even better, do it with them!

Have them visualise what they want. Teach them to visualise, to use the power of their mind, to imagine how they want a situation to be, and that being positive is always the better option.

Show them the benefit of computers, phones, but at the same time, have them use those to be creative, to learn something new, to listen to music, to watch an amazing nature video, to see another aspect of the planet. Have technology become something they use to develop their inner world, not keep them away from connecting to the most incredible part of themselves.

» Build their self-esteem

Kids are naturally born with a lot of self-love. They have no concept of what they lack, how good they look, or what difficulties they have at school. It is only their environment that instils these beliefs. Kids will be looking to you for clues to evaluate how they are doing on all levels, very early on. Are Mom/Dad happy with me or not?

So, what’s a parent to do?

Never label your child. Yes, be very mindful of how you describe your son or daughter. Too often we will say things like, ‘she is the athletic one’ or ‘the smart one’ or ‘the musical one’. Kids are very aware of what you say about them, to friends, family or anyone for that matter. Be especially careful when there is more than one sibling at home as you may start off a comparison game. A child that hears you saying ‘he is the smart one’ may not grow up feeling beautiful, or a child that hears ‘she is the musical one’ may start doing poorly at school.

Repeat these 4 statements often.

“You are loved.”

“You are perfect.”

“You are good enough.”

“You have nothing to fear.”

Maybe even write them down and put them in their bedroom or bathroom.

Encourage them to try things, make mistakes and not be perfect. From an early age, kids learn what they are good at and want to stick to those. They know they get ‘points’ from their teachers and parents for doing something well. Your job is to help them do things they’ve never done before. It can be something as small as a dive in a pool, doing a cartwheel, speaking a few words of another language or making a video—anything that is new. This isn’t about doing anything right; it’s just about the experience of something new, with no need for results. This will help expand their awareness of themselves and what they are capable of.

» Teach them to deal with change

As parents, most of us want to protect our kids from change by creating stability, keeping them safe in the same home, the same school etc. And yet, the number one constant in life is change; it’s guaranteed to happen. When we have been insulated from change while growing up, we tend to think ‘no change=good, change=bad’. We then grow up to fear change.

Share with them the Change Guarantee. Tell them that, “From any change, something good will come.” Whether the change is small or big—if someone in the family passes away, if there is a change of plans, if you move homes or change schools—have them understand that no matter what, something positive is on its way.

Teach them that they have a Change Muscle. We all have a part of ourselves that is really good at change. Our bodies are growing and changing all the time, so we can too. Activate the superhero within them that welcomes life changing around them.

» Share with them conscious communication skills

Communication lays the foundation for how kids will turn out to be as adults.

The power of words. It’s important from the start that kids understand the power of their words, their tone of voice and how they speak. e.g. Explain to them how using words like ‘great’, ‘amazing’, ‘wonderful’, is better than ‘OK’, ‘fine’, and ‘not bad’.

Listening is part of communicating. If you are around kids, you’ll know that talking comes more naturally to them than listening. And yet, kids can be taught how to listen. You can get creative: create a game where they need to listen to something and then say what they heard.

As parents, your dialogue should go both ways. Ask most kids and they will feel their parents are always telling them what to do, what’s right and wrong and how they make all the decisions for them. Stop telling them what to do; instead, ask them for solutions, for options. You may be amazed at what comes out of their mouth!

Self-approval skills. Teach your kid the importance of how they are communicating with themselves on the inside—their inner dialogue. This thing called self-disapproval and the critical voice shows up at a very young age. Demonstrate what it’s like to say affirming things about themselves: “I love my hair, I love my eyes, I love my teacher, I love my ability to run…”

» As parents, commit to personal growth and doing your own inner work

To raise conscious kids, you ought to remove your own blocks to freedom. Any inner programmes that are still in you, such as a need to be perfect, or to be in control of everything, or a money scarcity mentality, will show up in your child. The more you are free of these, the more your child will be too. Get help, read books, do a course, learn to meditate… anything that will help you develop and grow personally.

Rid yourselves of your own dreams and desires for them. Your kids are not there to fulfil your dreams or what you want. Let them do what they want, play the instrument they want, do the sport they want. Give them that freedom. Often, parents decide that their kids will play the piano or football or study a certain thing at school or take over the family business! Having kids is not about them meeting your expectations or your unfulfilled goals and dreams. Conscious parenting is not about setting up controls of what is good/bad or acceptable/unacceptable.

See your child as a soul, possibly an advanced soul that is even more conscious than you are. Don’t talk down to them. See them as an equal, just in a smaller body. Even better, see them as your teacher. They will show you how to be an amazing parent and what still needs to be healed inside of you!

» Consciously discipline your child

Many parents think disciplining a child and doing it consciously, don’t really go together. But there are ways to combine both! Here are a few examples:

Create a meditation corner instead of punishing them. Teach them that when they behave badly, they will be asked to go to a special area of the house [or their room] and simply sit there being quiet, in order to contemplate what happened. Only once they are ready to accept responsibility for their mistake, apologise [if needed] and share their learning, can they come out. This is much more effective than punishment that usually lasts only until the next incident.

Encourage truth. Parents often do not realise that from the earliest of ages, when their child tells them the truth, they are nonetheless punished, thus wiring the child to associate pain with telling the truth. Part of conscious disciplining is to continue to allow the child to speak the truth and have them realise the consequences of their actions or words.

» Honour their body and their health

As parents, we can get a little lazy sometimes when thinking about foods for our child. We opt for what is available, fast, and convenient rather than healthy and nutritious. We too don’t have the greatest health habits. Your child’s body is their temple, it’s the foundation for their emotions, their moods and their relationship to themselves. So from the earliest of ages, they need to understand how important and magnificent their body is.

Choose fresh foods, without preservatives, chemicals, GMO ingredients… Be picky; spend time to understand what’s in your food. This has a massive effect on children’s immune system, how often they get sick and how agitated and anxious they feel.

Watch for trigger foods like sugar, gluten, dairy, wheat, soy and corn.

Help them see how wonderful exercise is. Especially with kids addicted to technology, getting back into their bodies, moving emotions through, boosting their feel-good hormones will all contribute greatly. Introduce things like yoga to them as well. Many kids respond very well to the postures and their benefits, from the earliest of ages. [Read Yoga for kids]

Create a good sleep routine. Sleep is imperative to make sure your children stay healthy and happy. Start with a winding down routine… it could be listening to some soothing music, or doing their gratitude journal. Teach them how to meditate, to sit still, focus on their breathing and do nothing for a few minutes. Make it something you do together. If you believe in prayer, pray with them. Let them do the speaking, as they get older.

» Be an example of what living consciously looks like

As you know, your child is a sponge, absorbing everything that you do! This means the number one person to be conscious about is yourself. In some ways, it would nearly be easier to follow a ‘how to parent’ manual, than it would be to have to do the work yourself.

If you want conscious kids, be mindful of all your behaviours in front of your children. How you talk, fight, eat, work, love their mother/father, touch, stay healthy, treat others, pray, speak the truth or lies—all of it matters. Tune your inner antenna to let you know when you need to change.

Have time for them. Kids need to know that things other than work, cooking and shopping are also important to you! Show them that you have time to listen to them, to talk, to play, to explore, to be outdoors. Conscious kids need to see that life is not only about working hard, being stressed and meeting deadlines, or you will be raising a replica of your own stressed out life!

Raising a conscious child is less about what you need to do and more about what you need to become as a parent. Parents don’t want to hear this but in the end, what is going on in you, in your mind, your relationship, your fears, is often what will be mirrored by your child. The next time you have a challenge with your kid, ask yourself this courageous question: “What in me is having this show up in them?”

The more you focus on changing and improving yourself, the more your child will be free of limiting behaviours. Raise your own consciousness and your child will receive the gift of a lifetime!

Above all, conscious children grow up with the knowledge of what is true, what is important, what is worth doing with their lives. They will not be under the veil of an illusion like so many others who suffer. They will be able to see and understand how this world works, the importance of love, of service, of silence and their inner world and of seeing the temporary nature of this life; that we are only here for a short time, to learn, to love, to laugh and to get the lessons our souls came here to experience.

The post A Short Manual for Raising Conscious Kids appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

1. Extraordinary is an action

You might disagree with me on grammar and say that extraordinary is an adjective [quality] and not a verb. Well, you are right, and that is where the secret lies. How do you think a human quality comes to life? Extraordinary people don’t materialise out of thin air, do they? They appear in reality by ‘doing’ things that help them acquire the quality of being extraordinary.

A while back, I heard from someone who was in an extremely stressful situation, and didn’t know the way out. I tried to help by giving suggestions, but she kept dismissing my ideas for some reason or the other. I then realised that the person did not want to be helped, she wanted to complain and act victim. Helplessness is a habit. And extraordinary people don’t have it. In fact, they do the exact opposite—they complain rarely and focus on solving problems. They make sure that happiness is their prime goal. Extraordinary people ‘do things’ to make their life more valuable and different than the rest. It is about acting in ways that are uncommon or unexpected, and going out there and doing something way beyond your perceived limitations. Action definitely leads to being extraordinary.

Helplessness is a habit that extraordinary people don’t have

2. Extraordinary is an attitude

Being extraordinary is not genetic or in-born. It is a collection of powerful thoughts. When you tell yourself over and over that you are a capable individual who is on her way to achieving great things in life—a spark ignites in your mind. It lights up a fire that drives your attitude. Fortunately, our attitude is entirely in our control, irrespective of the good and bad that happens to us.

Everyone on this planet has his/her share of ups and downs, misfortunes and bursts of good luck, and yet, we all respond differently to similar events. Have you wondered why? Because some people call upon their inner strength to rise above the daily clutter and focus on their best qualities and biggest goals. Every time a door or an opportunity closes on you, take it up as a challenge and march right ahead. It is an indication that what is best for you has not yet presented itself or that you have not focused on what you really want. Isn’t it common that just when we think all doors have shut on us, suddenly a perfect one opens, out of nowhere? Extraordinary achievements begin in the mind—attitude—more than in the reality of our current situation. As we allow for a proactive and empowered attitude to take roots in our mind, extraordinary results flow from there.

3. Being extraordinary is a choice

By now, you must’ve realised that being extraordinary is neither an accident nor a special privilege that some have and others don’t. It is a self-created state of being your best. And we become our best self when we choose the best. For example, when someone is being mean or rude to you, what is your first reaction? If you feel like getting back or paying the person in the same coin, you’ve taken the ordinary way out, and that takes no special effort.

On the other hand, it takes solid strength of character and a well-considered choice to be different than the person who disrespects you. You can choose to not be insulted and speak and act with balance in the face of disrespect. This really puts the brakes on the other person. She doesn’t know how to respond to your extraordinary response. The next time, such people will think twice before crossing the line. Extraordinary people hold themselves to high standards and choose wisely, especially, under pressure and stress.

Extraordinary people call upon their inner strength to rise above the daily clutter and focus on their best qualities and biggest goals

4. Extraordinary requires daily effort

If we continue to make the same mistakes we made before, and don’t learn from them, our chances of becoming an extraordinary individual diminish greatly. Learning from everyday experiences and closing the loop with feedback and improvement is a secret weapon of extraordinary people. At times, it is the most obvious thing to do, yet many of us just don’t catch on. It is simple, continuous and incremental improvements that make massive results possible. Extraordinary people don’t become so, one fine day. They practise being extraordinary every single day by making seemingly small, but important improvements; so can you.

5. Extraordinary demands discipline

Discipline doesn’t come easy to anyone. I’ll give you my own example. Before I began brisk-walking more than three kilometres every day, it was nearly impossible for me to do so. Yet, my body told me that I needed to exercise more, and I began to push myself every single day to put on my walking shoes, go out there and walk. The first week was no fun at all. My body ached and I was out of breath. Then, something began to change, imperceptibly, but surely. At the exact same time, every day, an alarm bell would go off in my head that said—time to walk. Before I knew, I was already walking out of the door. To my surprise, I really started looking forward to tying my shoelaces and stepping out. Just three weeks of discipline had turned into a habit.

You can do the same with anything you choose, to make it a good habit. Extraordinary people have the ‘stickiness’ that makes discipline a part of their lives.

It is simple, continuous and incremental improvements that make massive results possible

6. Extraordinary is about learning

For most of us, learning becomes an occasional event once our formal education ends. I’ll let you on to a secret: real life learning begins only after getting a degree. That’s when we need to step up on learning, big time. Extraordinary people learn from little things in life by keenly observing themselves and others. There are innumerable avenues to learn. You can read books, listen to audio talks, attend seminars, watch inspiring videos, talk to those who are wiser than you… the list goes on.

Extraordinary people remain eager to learn every waking hour. No exaggeration. Every experience tells us something valuable, even the bad ones. We just need to choose to extract the learning and implement it at the right time. Extraordinary people are always ready to learn.

7. Extraordinary is a belief

What we believe is what we get. What we don’t believe, but continue to want, might elude us forever. In essence, if you want to become an extraordinary person, you must believe with all your heart that you are capable of standing out in a crowd—of achieving the impossible. Belief creates miracles. When I was in an extremely tough life situation, I set aside the superficial busy-ness of my life and focused on the ‘why’ of the situation. I realised quickly that the problem lay in my own head, not in the world outside me. It was a rude shock, but I decided to act on my discovery. From that day, I resolutely believed that I was deserving of being supremely happy and earning all good things in life. And that’s exactly what happened—almost effortlessly and in an amazingly short span of time. This is my truth. So, I can confidently say to you that believing in your chosen goals and dreams really elevates you to the level of an extraordinary person.

If you put these seven secrets into practise with all your heart, success will be yours to take.

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Sauch: Cleanliness

Health begins with hygiene. This applies not just to physical health, but also to mental and emotional wellbeing.

Just as you bathe to rid your body of impurities and exfoliate your skin to remove the dead cells, likewise it’s important to exfoliate unwanted thoughts and emotions from your mind and consciousness.

Thoughts of the past that cause pain and unrest serve no purpose and should be swept out.

We indulge in a beauty or spa treatment to relieve stress and pamper our body. To rejuvenate the mind we must invest in good books, seek inspiration from spiritual masters and keep company of good people.

To begin with: Organise your desk/wardrobe. Declutter your environment to declutter your mind.

Santosh: Contentment

Sage Patanjali says that the key to happiness is contentment. It means being happy where you are and with what you have. Being content begins with being in the moment, cherishing the present and not worrying about the future.

To explain this in the context of your yogic practice, if you aren’t able to do an asana as well as others, don’t fret.

Accept that each of us is unique and enjoy your body the way it is instead of getting frustrated. Frustration only brings resistance in your practice and make your body and mind rigid. Feel happy and appreciate what you have.

To begin with: Think of all things that you have and are grateful for; you’ll surprise yourself with how many good things there are in your life.

Tapa: Perseverance

Tapa is like a fire that purifies. Tapa is when you set a goal and decide to achieve it with focused hard work and discipline.

Achieving an objective requires dedication and sometimes even sacrifices. Let’s say, you aim to lose weight.

That will happen only if you stay committed to your exercise regime and curb your calorie consumption. It’s easier said than done, but if you persevere, it will happen. Tapa implies that every action must be done to the best of our abilities.

To begin with: Think of a small goal [like waking up 15 minutes early] that you have been meaning to achieve but have been putting off and set to work on it. Don’t give up till you’ve achieved it!

Swadhyaya: Self-study

Swadhyaya is a beautiful tool that teaches us self-discovery. It calls for being observant of your body and mind. Training your mind to focus on the self begins on the mat itself.

While doing any asana, pay complete attention to your body. Observe the signs it gives you—is there pain or discomfort? Notice if both sides of the body are symmetrical and equally flexible.

To practise this niyama in personal life, be mindful of what you say. Are the words you use wise, comforting and gentle? Are they necessary, do they serve a purpose or is it better to be silent? Be observant of your reactions to people and situations.

To begin with: At the end of the day make a note of one positive thing and one negative thing you noticed about yourself.

Ishwar Pranidhan: Surrender to God

Ishwar signifies a supreme force—the creator, the universe, the force that is within you. Sage Patanjali suggests surrendering all aspects of your life as an offering to God. When you give it all to God, your actions cannot be anything but pure and good.

To begin with: Each time you begin your yoga practice, spend a few moments in silence and think of someone you may want to dedicate your yoga session to. You could alternately do this at the start of your day as well.

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Isn’t it amazing that yoga, which has been explained in a manner that is simple and doable, thousands of years ago, remains a universal remedy for the difficult, stressful times we now live in?

This also means that yoga has more to do with mere fitness of the body. It relates itself to the harmonious functioning of our mind, body, and soul.

Yama [Moral principle]

Yama refers to the moral codes, or principles, that stipulate the limits within which man must stay in order to lead an organised life, and in interaction with those around him/ her. Yama has much to do with the way in which we interrelate and behave with others in our immediate surroundings.

The basic tenets of yama, or moral code, can be summarised through five qualities:

• Non-violence or ahimsa
• Truth, or satya
• Non-stealing, or asteya
• Non-lust, or brahmacharya
• Non-possessiveness, or aparigraha

This basically encapsulates the moral code of conduct in society. Truth and non-violence adhere to maintaining harmony in society as well as in the individual conscience. The idea behind non-violence is not just to eliminate pain and hurt, but also to completely eradicate the concept of enmity and antagonistic relationships over time. While yama does not necessarily advocate celibacy through brahmacharya, it does indicate leading a life with more meaningful relationships. It must also be remembered that non-stealing does not merely refer to materialistic robbery, but also of robbing another of his/her time, value or needs. Yama also advocates against hankering after too much wealth, or possessions, or coveting another’s property.

Yama throws new light on the entire concept of yoga. It goes against the popular norm of yoga being an individualistic exercise in controlling one’s thoughts. Yoga, it says, takes into account that the spiritual seeker is also a member of society and must, therefore, adhere to certain tenets in order to maintain harmony.

Niyama [Discipline]

Niyama evokes in the individual the need to pursue observances such as curbing negative vibrations, setting time aside for contemplation, inherent contentment, and firm belief and complete surrender to God, or the Supreme Power. It broadly includes:

• Contentment, or santosha
• Austerity, or tapas
• Purity, or soucha
• Awareness of a higher power, or ishwar pranidhan
• Self-study of sacred test, or svadhyaya

Asana [Posture]

In stark contrast to the viewpoint promulgated in the West, yogic positions and exercises, in the East, have been considered not as an alternative work-out to maintain fitness, but rather as a preparation for the important step of meditation. The primary aim of practicing these asanas, or postures, or yogic positions, is to attain the most comfortable position that aids the individual to attain a sense of mental equilibrium.

Yogasanas in the preparation for yogic meditation include positions in the sitting as well as standing position, as also those in the supine [face upwards, in lying down position] and prone [face down] positions as is commonly taught to enhance the object of exercise and expand the mind.

This is the step most people begin yoga with and attempt to attain the goal of pranayama. But, they often give up and wonder why it is that they fail to see benefits accrue from their recent endeavours. It is this narrow thinking and restricted knowledge that often brings this predicament upon the individual.

Pranayama [Breathing]

Breathing is an indispensable activity of life that begins at birth and continues until one’s death. Therefore, breathing represents the vital life force of the body. As the student of yoga follows the principles laid down by yama and the niyama and practices yogasanas, s/he makes a natural progression towards pranayama.

Pranayama basically refers to the control of breath. In the course of attaining salvation or samadhi, pranayama is considered a vital step. The idea behind consciously controlling the breath is attuned to the purpose of attaining mental equilibrium and greater awareness by mastering the process of inhalation and exhalation

Like many yogasanas, pranayama is witness to the dwindling of “pushy” followers, because it represents the vital force of life – if practiced incorrectly it can have an equally adverse effect on the body. Pranayama involves aspects such as quiet breathing [smooth breathing without effort], deep breathing [deliberate, protracted slow breathing], fast breathing [deliberately enhanced speed of breath], alternative nostril breathing, right nostril breathing, and so on.

Pratyahara [Sense withdrawal]

Pratyahara encourages the individual to look inwards. It also calls for introspection to weed out any undesirable tendencies. It is basically a shift of paradigm from the outer world to inner sanctity.

Dharana [Concentration on object]

Dharana, dhyana and samadhi blend into one as one proceeds towards the highest states of concentration. Dharana basically refers to the engagement of mind, focused on one subject. This would involve concentrating on something such as the syllable Om, while meditating. Further, once the stage of dharana is attained with a certain degree of achievement, the stage of dhyana follows almost automatically, with little or no effort, depending on the progress achieved at this stage.

Dhyana [Meditation]

This is the stage where meditation and concentration merge into one and the result is a tranquil mind that knows no distractions, or deviations. The endurance involved in attaining this stage is tremendous, but the pursuit is well worth the effort.

Samadhi [Salvation]

This is the state of bliss attained when the mind simply calms to a condition of complete harmony and is aware of the Universe. There is also an inherent awareness of oneness with all beings, a transcending of the self and the integration with the higher power. When looked at as a whole, and made up of a series of logical steps, the layman’s concept of yoga now undergoes a radical change. Suddenly, the rather narrow, erroneous notion of yoga as merely a base form of exercise appears considerably deficient. Instead, there are wells deep inside, the spirit to yearn for and seek out of the wholesome, unadulterated pure joy, or the essence of peace that result through the truly integrating wealth of the Cosmos.

This is yoga in action and effect. It is also wisdom in our ever-changing world.

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