Spending our emotions

I’ve come to appreciate that having feelings about money is actually a good thing. What gets us in trouble is when we don’t know what those feelings are. All feelings need attention and recognition, including our feelings about money, or they operate covertly. Unexamined, they can control our money behavior under the radar and lead us into making poorer money choices. We overspend, under-earn, gamble, shop impulsively, give away money and indulge in a host of other self-destructive habits. Our emotions can act out like rebellious teenagers, demanding our attention yet refusing to engage in any constructive dialogue.

The spell of rationality

So why aren’t we more mindful about money? One reason is that we are under the spell of the financial model that sees money only as something concrete and quantifiable—to be dealt with rationally. This model also regards emotional considerations as dangerous when making any kind of financial decision; so if you have feelings about money, it’s deemed best to ignore them.

This may work as a short term coping strategy, but it is disastrous in the long run. Exploring our feelings around money helps us make better decisions. Those emotions that are counterproductive and threaten to derail you need to be understood, analyzed and healed.

What are your feelings when you spend

Here’s a simple example, one that can be applied to almost any money dilemma. I put myself on a budget, limiting my spending so that I can put ‘X’ amount of savings away each month. It seems reasonable and achievable, and in fact I do very well for the first three months—until I impulsively purchase a new cell-phone. [In your case, it could be a new car, piece of jewellery, article of clothing, vacation, gift, charitable donation or any of the endless opportunities to ‘blow’ the budget.]

It feels great at the moment of the impulsive act but the next day I’m surprised and upset by the purchase as I didn’t really require a new phone and had already decided to hold off buying it. I could even become angry with myself for splurging.

Why rationality doesn’t work

In the financial model, we set a budget or financial goal and stick to it and if we go off track, there must be something wrong with us. But that is a naïve and simplistic view of our complex relationship with money.

Whether I keep the new cell-phone or return it, I need to understand what I thought I was buying—beyond the actual phone. What was the purchase saying to me? What was I hungry for? Did some incident trigger the purchase? Was I compensating for something that I lost or a bad feeling about myself? I need to analyze and identify every aspect of the tapestry of emotions that led me to take the plunge.

I have often felt that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach because of—what was in hindsight—a poor purchase decision; or when I discover I have less money in the bank than I expected or when there’s an unforeseen and vital expense. That sinking feeling should be the entry point into working to understand why I feel the way I do. It is an opportunity to better understand myself and my relationship with money. It’s more complex of course when the impulsive action has bigger consequences, but it is just as important to understand my motivation behind the purchase decision.

Mindfully managing your money

One per cent of our behavior comes from our rational mind—99 per cent is influenced by our subconscious. So it is quite unrealistic for us to expect to be rational about money all the time. Below are some suggestions that could help bring about a more balanced relationship with money; ones that take into account and make room for both your feelings and your rational mind. I promise that if you work with money from the ‘inside’, your emotions won’t get the better of you.

9 Ideas to Help You Change Your Relationship With Money

1. Make a list of all the words you associate with money

Let the words flow; don’t give much thought to them, instead just write them down as they occur to you. Keep adding to your list as you go about the day or the week. This will give you some sense of the range of feelings, thoughts, social issues, spiritual concerns and personal relationships that are affected by money. It will also provide a more realistic and balanced perception of money and what it really means to your life and the quality of your life, not in terms of what it can buy you, but in terms of how it affects your inner life.

2. Be curious

Observe your actions and reactions, without judgment. We’re full of judgments about how we spend and manage our money—either we’ve blown it or we scored! Looking at money emotionally is about seeing what is, without critiquing it as good or bad.
A woman came to see me for help with her obsessive shopping at a certain boutique. She was heavily in debt as a result and felt she was a terrible person because she couldn’t stop shopping. We worked to get her off the moral high ground from where she castigated herself, moving her instead to a place of curiosity about what this behavior might be telling her. Through curiosity, we eventually came up with what lay beneath her obsession. Identifying the underlying trigger helped her to stop her overspending.

3. Examine your emotional responses to money matters

Emotional responses to money are natural—we all experience them. This isn’t something that you need to get beyond or get through; rather, they are to be explored and understood. Listening to your feelings will teach you much about who you are, what you value, what you long for, what is out of balance and what needs more attention. Even the simple act of handing money to a sales clerk can illuminate some aspect of your relationship with money.

4. Don’t let feelings of shame stop you

Shame is unavoidable when it comes to money, but feelings of guilt and shame, although hard to deal with, will not kill you. The main source of shame is feeling judged by others as unworthy. A friend asked me how much I made and when I told her, she laughed at how little I made and I felt a deep sense of shame. Generally the trigger is something not spoken of directly, but rather sensed and sometimes imagined. I can feel shame for having more money than a friend and ten minutes later feel shame for having less money than another friend… without any change in how much I actually have.

5. Unpack your feelings about money

Family is a good place to start. Explore how each of your parents or someone else who raised you, influenced you. What did they tell you about money? How did they behave with money? How did they feel about what they had? These kinds of questions help discover what you learned about money from your family.

6. Talk with trusted others about your money dilemmas and decisions

The taboo against talking about money keeps us isolated when we deal with our money dilemmas. Through conversation we come to identify and process our dilemmas and successes—to ‘talk through’ our conflicts, struggles and blessings. This taboo is most hurtful to women, because a primary way women learn in the world is through sharing with friends.

7. Heal what needs to be healed

Find the pains and disappointments and feel them, understand them, express what needs to be expressed and heal them. Work with it as you would any other emotional issue in your life. Find other ways to nourish and support yourself that don’t involve money.

8. Recognize that there’s no single ‘right way’ to deal with money matters

We each have our own unique and complex relationship with money, full of multiple layers of experiences and contradictions. You can’t follow a formula for dealing with money emotionally; you have to start with where you are and work with who you are.

9. Bring your whole self to your money life

Include your heart felt feelings, intuition, web of relationships, vulnerabilities and strengths when dealing with money.

 This was first published in the December 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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The great inventor Thomas Edison was known to be a workaholic who regarded social gatherings such as formal dinners and parties as a waste of time. On one such occasion, feeling bored in the company of dull people, he resolved to escape to his laboratory at the first opportunity. Just as he was about to walk through the door, the host of the dinner appeared. “It certainly is a delight to see you, Mr Edison. What are you working on now?” asked the oblivious man. “My exit,” replied Edison.

Edison clearly knew his priorities and abided in them. To him, his work made him happy. In fact he once said, “I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.” Not surprisingly, he spent a significant amount of his time working, accumulating in his lifetime more than 2000 patents for his inventions. But most people are not so sure about their priorities. They have been conditioned to embrace social ideals, which they often accept and embrace as their own values. Then, when happiness eludes them, they wonder why. The answer is simple—they are not living authentic lives.

An authentic life is one in which you are guided by an inner conviction. Your thoughts and actions are aligned to your natural inclinations. Such a life is characterised by lasting joy, a feeling of freedom, extraordinary vitality and, most of all, a sense of effortlessness. “Is such a life possible?” you ask. Absolutely, and best-selling author and human behaviour specialist Dr John Demartini tells you how in the lead story this month.

The key to living your best life lies in determining your highest values and letting them steer your decisions and actions. True values are like fingerprints—each individual has a unique set of them. “They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you, and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling,” says John adding, “Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pattern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you.”

Once you understand how alignment to your values determines the quality of your life, you must identify your highest values. John has created a six-step process to help you discover your personal values, which is presented after his article. I urge you to spare some time and complete this very meaningful exercise, at the end of which you will know which of your beliefs have been blocking your rightful happiness from you.

No matter what your values, once you know what they are, you will never again waste your time living by other people’s standards. Like Edison, you will simply exit any situation that doesn’t line up with your values.

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It’s never the right time

“My dreams are huge so they will take time”

“Maybe someday, when I have saved up more money”

“After this happens or that…”

“This is so huge, nothing I do will make a difference”

Do your thoughts sound similar? Well, they used to be mine till I decided to change them. I used to wait for a particular outcome; I would yearn and pray for my life to improve. If only I wasn’t sick… it’ll be just another month till I get a salary hike… it’s holiday season now… I would make excuses. I’d get lost in my distractions and hope for a miracle, only to return to my reality of despair, heartbreak, divorce, guilt, shame, debt, pain, obesity and low self worth. I hit below rock bottom, in every area of my life. Physically, financially and emotionally, until I finally had an insight and saw the light! I realised that I chose my time.

Finding your message

What do you keep searching for? Is it a better relationship with your spouse, or being a better parent? Do you want to lose weight or do you want to live a more conscious life?

The truth is the truth, the recipe remains the same with a few modifications. That is why everyone is saying the same thing but in different ways. Think of it like a radio playing the same song but in different languages at different tempos by different artists. You can hear the song only if you tune into the station where the reception is most clear. Then it is up to you if you want to just listen, or sway with the music, or stand up and sing and dance with all your energy.

I have found that consuming more literature or attending seminars about the topic will not help you change your life. The message is the same. But you need to use it, practise it and make it a habit.

Decision-making doesn’t come easy

I was an obese child and never participated in any sports while growing up. I used various ruses to escape physical training sessions in school and never learnt to swim. I was always embarrassed of my fat thighs and wobbling belly so I did not want to be seen in shorts. It was only about five years ago that I decided to shed that extra weight and started exercising properly for the first time in my life.

I had to be willing to unlearn my old eating habits and defend my weight loss regime to people who were against it. Through the decades I had tried to lose weight many times and failed. But then I kept trying and finally, at 38, I succeeded. Had I allowed my previous attempts to hold me back, I wouldn’t be in shape to do the 200-hour Yoga Teacher’s training course I’m currently enrolled in. And I had never done yoga until six months ago. It is not easy and I am still learning. It requires great discipline, but I know that exercise, wellbeing and healing has become a vital part of my life and who I am, so I am giving it all I have.

Self-transformation starts with a decision

Think about which part of your life you want to change. Out of all the many things that come back, decide on any one thing that you would want to change in the immediate future. Only one thing.

If there is nothing you want to change, then this is the time for you to accept with gratitude the joyful life you already live. But if that were so, you would not be reading this.

From my experience, lack of clarity is the  biggest de-motivating factor on the planet. On the flip side, when you have a clear vision of what you want, you wake up feeling excited and enthusiastic, knowing exactly what to do.

Focus also comes from clarity. Often it takes just one area of your life to shift for your entire life to transform. The joy and excitement you feel after pursuing one of your big dreams will spread into all areas of your life. When you have a clear vision of what you want, you remain courageous in spite of fears and obstacles.

What postpones the completion of your goals is not lack of time, resources, the economy, luck, karma or any of that stuff—it is your own unwillingness to make the decision.

Jump off the fence

It does not take attending dozens of workshops, or reading scores of self-help books to transform your reality—it takes an instant. The time will never be just right, things will never line up perfectly. Take ownership and responsibility for your life. Remember every no is a yes to something else.

Think of the various small and big ways in which your life will change now that you have made this decision and start feeling it. Embody it, breathe it in and exude it in your energy and aura. Be the you after that decision.

Next comes a public declaration

The reason we do not declare our decisions is that we doubt whether we can actually accomplish them and are afraid of failing in front of others.

These are a few suggestions to make in your decision statements.

1. Decide to eliminate the word ‘try’ from your life, Say “I will” or “I won’t” [this will exercise your deciding muscles].
2. Also eliminate ‘shoulds’ from your life. We do things because we want to do them, because the consequences of not doing them are unbearable, so why not just rephrase it with “I want to”.
3. Since you already know your message, the most important thing you need to do for it to start working is for you to commit to a habit of growth.

Once you have done this, the only other thing to do is to trust and to allow the event to unfold.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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How we make decisions

Making decisions is one of the hallmarks of human behaviour. Our decision-making abilities distinguish us from the primates and help us to make choices towards making our lives and civilisation better. It is a complex human behaviour, and the lack of it is one of the most debilitating causes of unhappiness in life.

Decisions are required in all aspects of life, however simple it may be, like deciding what to wear for office or deciding to invest in stocks or even extreme situations governing life and death. Decisions are about options and choosing from among the options wisely, so as to optimise the results. It is a complex cognitive process [thinking process], which requires synchronisation of other cognitive functions such as memory, assessment of risk, knowledge of outcomes, motivation and reasoning.

The decision-making process

The process of decision making involves:

1. Understanding the problem
2. Listing the alternatives
3. Evaluating the gains and risks with each alternative
4. Evaluating the probabilities associated with outcomes
5. Choosing the alternative
6. Learning from outcome.

Research has shown that parts of the brain known as the dorsal and ventral streams guide decision making. Injury to these parts, through physical injury, as in head injury or due to neuro-chemical imbalance as seen in psychiatric disorders, can bring about deficits in decision making.

In general, it can be said that synchronisation between emotional and cognitive processes ensure effective decision making. When emotional or cognitive processing is disturbed, such as seen in psychiatric conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis or personality disorders, the ability of decision making is severely impaired.

Understanding indecisiveness

Indecision or indecisiveness is a generic term for the inability to make decisions, not specifically due to any neurological or psychiatric conditions. It is a common condition experienced in different phases of life, when we are faced with challenges. These may involve difficult situations in which an important decision needs to be made. For example, choice of career, business decisions, financial investments, choice of friends, choice of a partner and so on. It is said that the most difficult decisions in life are not about choosing right v/s wrong, but about right v/s right.

Decision makers can be classified in two extreme groups: one who decide on impulse, and therefore may later repent or suffer because of their decisions. The second who due to their chronic indecisiveness are paralysed in making decisions. They suffer from extreme anxiety and frequently avoid making decisions by themselves. They may depend on others to make decisions for them or may avoid such situations altogether.

Indecisiveness is not a psychiatric condition

Indecisiveness is a condition that comes under the purview of personality disorders. It is to be noted that personality disorders do not signify any kind of neuro-chemical imbalance or any psychiatric condition, but it is a term used to signify relatively permanent patterns of behaviours of some individuals.

In some people, these patterns reveal a chronic inability to make decisions, since they can not judge the significance of their decisions or understand the risks involved. They frequently gamble with choices that involve heavy risks or minimum gains. Hence, such decisions often result in undesirable outcomes, unpleasantness, and repentance. Such outcomes often underline the decision maker’s incapacities. This makes the decision maker less confident about himself or herself, and fosters self-doubt and leads to more difficulties in making decisions. This comprises the vicious cycle of indecisiveness.

The rationale behind indecisiveness

Indecisiveness may also stem from a tendency towards perfectionism, which makes some people go after making the ‘perfect decision’. No decision can be perfect, since every decision is a weighted average of the pros and cons, but such perfectionist people are unable to sit quiet with such incongruence. Hence, for them, decision making is a scrupulous process, in which, they must follow each step minutely and accurately. This often prolongs the decision making process and leads to burn out of resources. Ultimately, they suffer from chronic indecisiveness.

It is said that the essence of human life lies with the capacity to ‘choose’. This freedom to choose to do what we want, gives our life a meaning and it further helps us to define our purpose of living. This purpose gives clarity to our thoughts and feelings, and further refines our ability to make decisions in line with our designated purpose of life.

Aimlessness often fosters indecisiveness

Individuals, who are unable to figure out their meaning or purpose in life, often suffer from a kind of aimlessness, which fosters indecisiveness. For example, students who are not sure about their knack or ambition, often feel confused about which career path to choose beyond schooling. Students who lack this focus, or aim in life, are unable to remain happy with any career decision, because, in the very first place, they were not sure about their meaning of life.

Similarly, many such decisions in life demand an effective resolution to the question about one’s meaning of life. Often indecisiveness stems from a battle between choices which demand choosing between our core values and what may be convenient for us. For example, when we choose to follow the wrong means for getting our work done, we choose to go against our value system, which may emphasise honesty and sincerity. In such situations, it is our meaning in life, which guides us in making a decision between these two choices, both of which appear apparently right!

You can overcome indecisiveness

At the outset, let us first understand that all problems do not have solutions. Similarly, all situations may not necessitate decision making. Even choosing not to make a decision is a decision! Hence, it is important to understand the background of our decisions, so that we can justify the circumstances with the decision we make.

This is an important point, because the significance of a decision changes with time. What may seem like a perfect decision today, may be a flawed one tomorrow. Hence, it must be remembered that decision making is not about making the one perfect solution, but is about making the best of a deal—every decision has its pros and cons. It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis when making a decision, since this highlights the gains and risks involved.

For chronic indecisiveness, the problem may not have such a simple solution. It may involve several steps in helping oneself.

4 steps to help you overcome indecisiveness

1. Identify your pattern

If you think you fiddle way too much with making decisions, and even after making decisions, you are not sure and repent having made a particular decision. You must first identify your pattern. Make a habit of writing a diary, where you can list down your difficulties and discomfort while making the decision and aftermath. This will provide insight into your pattern and help you understand where you may be going wrong.

2. Identify chronic areas

Once you have identified your pattern, try and understand the chronic area of failure. Is it with understanding the problem or with gauging the different options? Is it with evaluation of risks or with evaluating feasibility of alternatives? Is it with choosing the best option or with perfectionism hampering your peace after you have made the decision? It may be one, many or a mixture of all.

3. Build on what you may be lacking

If you have successfully identified the lacunae, you can help yourself. Take the help of your friends or close ones, or even a professional counsellor or clinical psychologist, who might help you build on your weak areas.

4. Correct some basic beliefs

Some people are perfectionists by nature. For them, perfectionism in whatever they do is a prerequisite. This stems from a basic belief system which emphasises that they ‘must’ do things perfectly. Such beliefs, as already discussed, hamper the decision making process, because such people are never satisfied with their decisions, and thereby suffer from chronic indecisiveness. The remedy is to correct such beliefs to understand that too much perfectionism is not ideal at all. Perfectionism itself has its pros and cons, and when applied to the decision making process, can lead to severe impairments.

Refine the decision making process: Evaluate the alternatives well, and get a fair idea of the costs and benefits of a choice. Once you decide upon the option, remember not to brood over it. While you may learn from your mistakes, brooding will only demotivate you.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it may be said, that indecisiveness is a common problem. However, there are no perfect decisions and no perfect decision makers. It is an individual’s psychological reality that decides for him/her, which alternative s/he chooses. After all, the freedom to choose is a basic human right. Perhaps, the only guiding principle which may be adopted is that: make the best of the deal and then look forward to making more decisions.

Last updated on 26^th November 2020

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