‘Commitmentphobia’, a term coined by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol in the popular book Men Who Can’t Love, refers to a fear of committing to long-term relationships or marriage. Not only men, but also women may be affected by this condition. Commitment phobics have a history of short-lived relationships, often with unlikely partners and are unable to let go of their fear of getting hurt, infidelity and the loss of freedom. They are unable to envision a healthy, committed long-term relationship.

Are you dating a commitment phobe?

The reasons underlying commitment phobia may be numerous but can usually be traced back to unhappy/unfulfilling close relationships, either directly or vicariously. Commitment phobes usually would have been subjected to traumatic experiences of having parents who had been unfaithful partners, or may have been witness to multiple rejection experiences of others. All such trauma leads to the belief that long-term relationships don’t work or that ‘If I commit, I will be hurt some day’. Consciously or otherwise, they recoil at the very thought of commitment. Behaviourally, they may avoid it by postponing decisions and discussions or they may choose partners who can be easily blamed for the separation or incompatibility. Unable to resolve their conflicting thoughts, they seek fulfilment in short-term affairs, especially in ones that may not require them to be in for the long haul. Severe commitment phobes may have difficulty not just in relationships but their tendency to avoid any kind of commitment may also result in other severe personality disorders.

The reasons underlying commitment phobia can usually be traced back to unhappy/unfulfilling close relationships

If your partner shudders at the thought of spending life with only one person, if he or she feels trapped by the thought of marriage, or feels an intense fear of rejection or getting hurt by you, once he or she gives in, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself—is your partner doing this out of a fear of not being able to trust the opposite sex or from the past experiences? Or are you noticing a pattern of a runaway bride/groom? Do watch out for overdiagnosing this condition—get a reality check on the relationship with the help of a professional.

What if, as you read this article, it slowly dawns on you that your partner may have been showing similar signs? Is there a step-by-step approach to solve this puzzle? Possibly yes!

Ask your partner how s/he feels about commitment and especially if that has resulted in postponing discussions on marriage or other long-term commitments. Be understanding to make it easy for him/her to discuss their fears. Sometimes, commitment phobics need a ‘safe’ relationship to be able to let go of their fears. So if you are able to provide that, your partner may come clean. However, do not think that this is the solution. Most commitment phobics would not feel safe to discuss this with their partners and consequently may never admit to their fear of commitment. If you feel your partner is not coming forth to discuss his/her fears in spite of you broaching the topic several times, just give them [and yourself] an ultimatum. Set a date by which s/he needs to respond to your repeated requests for more clarity in the relationship. Be firm and don’t fall for their emotional antics. Explain to them that commitment is an inherent part of love and without it no relationship can be stable or happy.

I’d like to mention here that you will have to, as best as you can, prepare yourself for any unfavourable outcome. Look at the cons of the relationship instead of just clinging on to the pros. Try to visualise the disaster that you could turn your life into, if you went ahead with this relationship. Also, try to envision the life you really want to live—this will help you see the difference between what you want and what you are getting/or will get. When nothing works in this relationship and your partner turns out to be another Raj, just move on. Love and a healthy relationship is not about being your partner’s shrink for the rest of his life.

Sometimes, commitment phobics need a ‘safe’ relationship to be able to let go of their fears

Are you a commitment phobe?

For all the commitment phobics—you are missing out on the warmth and joys of a committed relationship. Here are a few thoughts on how you can helf yourself:

Face it

Try to zero-in upon the thoughts and feelings which come to your mind when you hear the word ‘commitment’—what thoughts get evoked? You may also get disturbing images in your mind—relax your mind and at the same time, bring up the images and thoughts. Note them down. You don’t hold yourself back, but your thoughts do!

Think back

Try and track back to the time in your life from where these thoughts/assumptions came? Perhaps you have vague memories of married adults fighting with their partner? Or violent scenes from the past get raked up in your mind? Perhaps your own hurtful experience of getting rejected by a loved one? It may take you one evening to revisit these painful memories, but it will result in cleaning up your life. It’s really worth all the tears and pain of revisiting.

Talk

If possible, talk to the people involved in those memories/experiences you just revisited—it may help clear some misconceptions. Relationships are not always happy, but the bad/unhappy ones eventually die out and should be forgotten. Why should you let those bad relationships prevent you from being in happier ones?

Forgive

Calm your mind and ask—“Can I forgive myself for not being able to protect myself from this pain?” Your feelings towards the doer is of anger, but help yourself realise that you may be projecting the anger at yourself and consequently punishing yourself by shunning closeness and commitment in all future relationships. Your anger at the person who hurt you is justified, but had you been able to express it to him/her? If yes, then you have expressed yourself. If not, then you can’t keep burning yourself repeatedly. Instead, let go of the anger—write it down in a piece of paper and set it on fire.

Choose and reframe

Now that the slate is clean, reframe your thoughts. Choose what you want to believe about relationships. Do you want to continue believing that long-term relationships are not for you or that marriages don’t work? Or do you want to look around and see thousands of couples living happily ever after? The choice is yours—you can choose what you want in your life—to live happily with a committed partner whom you adore and respect, or indulge in faithless unions where you don’t feel happy or fulfilled.

Love and intimate relationships form a beautiful world of togetherness and help you lead a fulfilling life. You will be rewarded if you choose love; but if you choose past hurt and pain, you are choosing to punish yourself forever by holding back.

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Punching a few keys, he secured a list of “best” doctors on Google for stomach ache. In 0.14 seconds, he got 218,000 results! That’s when it got confusing. Is the first listed name really the best? Or are the names at the top, listed based on the payments made to the search engine? Now how does Raymond sift through those names and make sure that his wife reaches a genuine doctor?

The explosive growth of information technology has been a blessing in many ways. With the easy availability of personal computers, affordable mobile phones and ready internet access, the world is at one’s fingertips [well, literally]. It’s now possible to get a plumber, order a bouquet, buy a gizmo or learn the intricacies of an ugly skin disease instantly, without stepping out of the house .

A person suffering from an incurable illness can easily get information of the latest treatment. You can even get details of a hospital or a clinic, including directions to the place, equipped with nothing more than its name. “So, what’s the problem?” you may ask. The difficulty is that the information available on the worldwide web is not complete. Moreover, since there is no system to monitor whether the facts stated on websites are accurate, not everything that is listed is 100 per cent authentic. Even if it is, it becomes difficult to zero down on the right choice for you when you are faced with an explosion of options. Allow me to help you make an informed choice…

A word about websites

There are different kinds of websites on the internet. Private or ‘promotional’ websites put up by individuals and organisations primarily to serve two purposes: provide details of the services and serve as a medium to advertise their business. In addition, there are independent ‘service’ websites, which simply list various categories of products and services available globally. Search engines too display list of websites based on their own tracking and rating system. They provide prominent slots to paid advertisers, which are placed higher in the list for easy access by the user.

Unlike browsing health-related information, finding the specific doctor through the internet is not without its dangers. Therefore, one should have a clear idea of how the listing system works on the internet.

The logic behind listings

All search engines produce lists of items searched in a particular order, which is decided by their software protocol. The number of visits [or ‘hits’] a website receives in a specific period of time determines the popularity of that site. The search engine scans the contents of the site as well as the amount of time the user lingers on the page. As the number of hits increases, the search engine pushes the site upward in the list. Therefore, the first name in the list is the most searched site and is probably the most accurate one for the user.

Making the decision

Remember that not all doctors are listed on the web. Many senior and sought-after doctors don’t have websites. On the contrary, novices who have recently set up plush clinics may have sophisticated websites. Looking at the layout of the site does not always give a clue to the abilities of the physician. For that, you need to do a little more—make telephonic enquiries after you have short-listed your options from the internet. It would be foolish to make a quick search and rush to the first virtual doctor available. The following points should help:

1. Check the physician’s qualifications: Is he a general physician or a specialist? Is the doctor an allopath/MBBS, homoeopath [BHMS], ayurvedic [BAMS] doctor or simply a beautician practising under the guise of a ‘cosmetologist’? Is he a diplomate for example Dip. Child Health [DCH], a postgraduate [MD, MS, PhD] or a super specialist [DM, M.Ch]? Is he also stating from where he has procured the degrees? For instance, medical college or university name.
2. Check for affiliations: Is the doctor practising solo or is he also attached with some government bodies? Government hospitals employ only qualified personnel. Hence, someone who is a consultant at a hospital run by the local body would be one with some degree of experience and authenticity. Is he a professor too, teaching at a medical college? A teacher at a medical college is usually one with vast experience in his field. Besides, teaching doctors have better skills of communication than those who are only into private practice. Is he a member of a recognised medical speciality association? Is the association a broad-based national or international body? Is the physician listed in the members’ directory? Does he consult at any private hospital or a well-known industrial group? Large corporations appoint senior and highly skilled consultants on their panel to take care of their employees. Therefore, a physician who is attached to a large organisation is someone whose bio-data is vetted by a team of eminent people.
3. Check for internet presence: Does the physician have his website or a blog? Are his articles constantly updated? Are the articles simple to understand or are they full of confusing jargon? Does he participate in online forums and provide credible solutions or simply promotes his practice? Does his personal website state his experience in practice? Are his qualifications and institutional attachments mentioned clearly? Perhaps you could call up one of the organisations and verify the attachment. Does the physician contribute to reputed online journals published globally? Is he mentioned in, say the British Medical Journal or Archives of Dermatology? Is he quoted by other authors in medical journals or websites or newspapers/magazines? Are the physician’s works elicited in an internet search? Some of these articles will quote his qualification or his hospital attachment. This data helps ratify the claim made by the physician on his personal website. If the physician is easy to find on the internet and his name appears in prominent journals and sites, run an internet search and check if you can get more information about him.
4. Read reviews: Are there reviews about him? Read them. Where are the reviews, in forums or on his website? There is a difference between testimonials and reviews. Testimonials are provided by doctors on their own website and they may not be authentic. Rely more on reviews rather than testimonials. If the testimonial provides a contact, call up and talk to the person who’s provided the testimonial.
5. Call the clinic: Call the clinic/hospital and talk to the receptionist. Verify the qualifications mentioned. Ask questions about the type of work done by the doctor and whether he is attached to major institutions. A simple talk with the person will clarify if there is something erratic.Speak to the physician and get a feel of how she sounds over the phone. Does she appear warm and friendly or was she in a hurry to end the call? Remember, though, that doctors obviously do not provide consultation over the telephone to strangers. Therefore, avoid asking queries. It might even put off a well-meaning physician.

Armed with this knowledge you can be fairly certain whether the physician being located is qualified, reputed and responsive. However, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Therefore, the final step before surrendering oneself to an unknown doctor is to actually visit the clinic and look at its upkeep. Check whether the clinic is reasonably well-maintained and whether there is a crowd of patients waiting for their turn. You can even talk to the receptionist or other patients in the waiting room for a first-hand feel of the place. Most clinics have notice boards displayed in the waiting rooms. Give it a good look to see if the physician provides up-to-date information about current illnesses or it has an old collection of newspaper clippings. This may give a clue to the doctor’s interest and attitude towards the waiting patients.

In the final analysis, if one gets the feeling that the physician is not the one you had in mind, flee from the waiting room itself…. And start another online search!

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