The psyche behind manipulation is complex and deep-rooted. But the crux of it is that individuals who cannot express their needs assertively take this indirect route to get their way. The manipulators could be family or friends, and they might even care for you, but their own limitations cause them to resort to manipulation. Whatever the reason, no one enjoys being manipulated. So how can you shield yourself from it?

Learning to spot a manipulator

“Can I have two minutes of your time?” This is one statement that most of us have fallen prey to at some time or another, because those two minutes are always stretched longer. But this is one of the more moderate tactics employed by manipulators. To avoid falling into a manipulation trap, you need to know how to spot manipulation from a mile away. Here are some commonly used tricks by habitual manipulators.

1. Making you feel guilty

This is the easiest one to succumb to and there are many ways by which a person can induce guilt in the victim. Some things that they may say are, “How can you do this to someone who loves you so dearly?” Or “This is what I get in return for all the love I have showered on you?” Or even “Do as you wish but consider the pain you are causing the other person.” Ironically, this is used commonly in close relationships like those between parents and children, spouses, siblings or relatives. Playing the victim, shedding crocodile tears, appearing sad and morose are also subtle ways of the same game.

2. Making assumptions for you

The manipulator may make statements where he or she assumes your intentions or choices to justify their emotions or actions—“I thought you would like my suggestion” or “I know you will never say no to me.” Here, the person can put you in a spot where if you are not assertive enough, you end up saying yes when you actually want to say no. Sometimes these statements also come in the garb of false flattery—“No one can bake a cake better than you, so please make one for my party,” or “I can trust only you to take care of my pup when I’m gone.” It’s easy to get drawn into the maze of compliments that the manipulator spins; but once the momentary high is over, you are left feeling exploited and taken for granted.

Manipulators depict a different side of themselves to different people, depending on the situation

3. Displaying passive aggressiveness

Here, the person doesn’t want to do what you want them to do or disagrees with what you are saying. However, instead of being vocal about it, they mislead you into doing the action. For instance, you ask your son to pick up the house-supplies but his response is, “But you just told me that I should study and not waste time doing other things.” After you go out and buy the provisions, you return only to find your son playing video games.

4. Faking concern or ignorance

Have you ever told someone to not do something or not bring up a certain topic publicly with you and they do just that? Well, occasionally this might be a genuine memory lapse, but if it happens often enough, it is high time you realise that you are being hoodwinked.

And if you confront these people at a later time, true to their nature they will be evasive in their dealings—“There is no point discussing this now because I hardly remember anything of what I said on that day.” They may also fake empathy for your problem but it is only to use it to manipulate you further. Watch out for statements like, “With everything you have to deal with, you are too confused to think straight. Let me decide for you.”

Another trait of manipulators you might notice is that they depict a different side of themselves to different people, depending on the situation.

people tolerate manipulators because they fear the outcome. But if you want to stop getting exploited, you have to stand up for yourself

Dealing with a manipulator

If the person manipulating you is a colleague or someone who is not close to you, the easiest way out is to avoid talking to them as much as possible, set boundaries or even cut ties.

But being aware of who is manipulating you and how is not enough. If you are not able to take productive action, you will end up feeling even more helpless than before. You have to work on yourself and not allow anyone to take you for granted. By now you know that manipulators thrive on the weaknesses of their victims—they have discovered your weak spots and enjoy pushing your buttons.

If the person manipulating you is a loved one, you may feel guilty for not satisfying their wish. If you doubt a person’s intentions, openly ask exploratory questions and see how genuine their answers appear to you. If you find evasive explanations, accusations or counter arguments, you have to prepare yourself to tackle them effectively without shame or guilt. Many people tolerate manipulators because they fear the outcome. But if you want to stop getting exploited, you have to be prepared to face the consequences of standing up for yourself. It may make you insecure initially, but in the long run it will greatly boost your self-respect.

Once you learn to spot who is manipulating you and how, prepare in advance what you will say to them the next time they try to corner you. You may even need to mentally rehearse arguments to counter their reactions, so do that!

Asserting yourself fearlessly takes work and only you can do that for yourself. You have to learn to say “No” assertively and tactfully. But at times you might have to say it brutally too.

Finally, listen to yourself. When you listen to your gut, spotting and dealing with manipulators will become easy.

The post Warning! You are being manipulated appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The Serenity Prayer is not just for recovering alcoholics. It contains empowering truths for all of us. We need to know the difference between what we can change and what we cannot change.  We need to have the courage to change the things we can, the strength to accept the things we cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

For a long time, I didn’t know the difference between what I could and could not change.

I thought my beliefs could change things that were unchangeable, such as my son’s physical disability, my husband’s struggling business, and my personality. Now I know that my beliefs cannot change biology, economics, or inherent character traits. But I was young then, and I thought, “If I believe I can, then I can,” just as the main character in the children’s book, The Little Engine That Could, believed he could huff and puff and pull himself and his cargo up a large mountain in spite of being a tiny train without much horsepower.

By the time I reached midlife, I realised there were some things I could not change no matter how much I believed I could. I was an introvert who would never gain energy from being surrounded by people no matter how many books I read, seminars I attended, or hypnotherapy sessions I underwent. The sun would rise in the east no matter how badly I wanted it to rise in the west so that it would beat down the warmth on a particular side of my house and fill my rooms with natural light. Furthermore, I could not change the basic needs of a romantic relationship, no matter how much I believed I could.

There was a deep security in being married

My boyfriend didn’t want to marry me

I thought I would be OK with my boyfriend not wanting to marry me.

I had spent my entire life as a married woman until I experienced a midlife crisis and left my family to pursue a romantic relationship with another man. Women who had survived similar crises told me that I should negotiate with my lover the terms of our romantic relationship. I did not. So, when my lover said he never wanted to get remarried, I didn’t think much about of it. After all, my first husband too had said he never wanted to marry and yet we ended up married for over 23 years. Why wouldn’t my lover be the same way? After all, he was a man, and aren’t all men the same in romantic relationships?

That was my belief.

After my divorce came through, I realised I did want to get married again. I had spent my entire adult life cradled and coddled in a stable family unit in which the members all cared for one another. There was a deep security in being married. What I didn’t know at the time was that the need for security was a woman’s greatest need in a romantic relationship. It was a biological need that could not be changed.

After three months of this push and pull in our romantic relationship, we hit a wall

But my boyfriend did not want to remarry. He had stated his intentions upfront and was dismayed by my sudden change of heart. What I didn’t know at the time was a man’s greatest fears in a romantic relationship were to feel inadequate and controlled. My sudden desire to remarry felt controlling. It appeared to him as wanting more than he was willing to give, which left him feeling as though he was not good enough for me.

After three months of this push and pull in our romantic relationship, we hit a wall. If nothing changed, we would have to break up. But we loved each other; why were we so miserable?

I didn’t give up

That’s when I realised there are things you can change through your beliefs just like there are things you cannot change. I just had to have the wisdom to know the difference.

Since I could not change how my boyfriend and I were biologically wired, I would have to change something else. If my boyfriend’s greatest relationship needs were to feel in control and adequate, then I would have to meet those needs. If my greatest relationship need was to feel secure, then my boyfriend would have to do things to ensure my security.

If my boyfriend outlived his life insurance policy, then I would be back to feeling insecure

I was, naturally, able to relinquish control in the relationship, having been trained by my father at a young age on how to let a man be the leader in a family. But I wanted a man who would open doors for me, pay for dinner, and make love to me all night. My boyfriend didn’t open doors for anyone and although he did pay for dinner, he no longer had the biological desire to have sex every day. He was older than me and wanted only companionship. He wanted a girlfriend whom he could create memories with.

Insecurities abound

I had to change my beliefs about what traits constituted a good boyfriend. Was it more important for him to open doors than it was for him to be kind? Was it more important for me to be taken care of than it was for each of us to take care of ourselves? Did I have to have sex in order to feel loved?

My boyfriend, on the other hand, struggled with the ability to make me feel secure. When I explained to him why I suddenly needed to be married because it provided the security I needed as a woman, he offered an alternative. He would change the beneficiary of life insurance policy from his ex-wife to me. That way, if he died, I would not become homeless. At first, it seemed like a viable compromise, but then the life insurance policy only extended for a handful of years and would not be renewed. If my boyfriend outlived his life insurance policy, then I would be back to feeling insecure. I could be kicked out of the house I shared with him at any time because I did not own the house jointly with him. I was just a girlfriend who had no legal rights to anything that was his because I was not married to him. And the tension between us grew.

If you change your beliefs, you can change your life

For a long time, I tried to bridge the gap for him. I bought a wedding ring and pretended we were married to create a false sense of security so I could continue peacefully within our romantic relationship.

Still, deep down, I continued to feel insecure.

My moment of epiphany

One night, after another fight, I blurted out, “None of this would be a problem if I felt loved enough.”  If I could feel loved, then I could feel secure. I would no longer need to be married. He nodded in acknowledgement.

My belief of “I need to be married” had changed to “I need to be loved.”

Over the next few weeks, I noticed several things had also changed. When we were shopping, my boyfriend asked me to setup a joint account for the rewards points at the grocery store. A month later, he added me to his video rental account.

Slowly, my boyfriend took steps to show me that I was loved and included in the long-term picture he had for his life. It never would have happened if I hadn’t changed my belief about what I needed in order to feel secure. If you change your beliefs, you can change your life; you can get your needs met; you can find happiness.

Now, I no longer wake up at 3am worrying about my boyfriend dying after his life insurance policy expires. I sleep soundly and trust the future because every day, in every way he discovers another way to show me that he loves me.

The post How I saved my love life by changing my beliefs appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.